Seeking Advice on Sibling Rivalry

Love the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" that's been recommended a couple of times -- I just wanted to second the recommendation!

Coming from a family of 5 myself (4 girls 1 boy) I had to laugh when I read your request.
My mom tried EVERYTHING to get us to stop the bickering... Yes, even telling us to take it into the back yard and get it over with. Not to come in until someone was unconsious...
I don't think there is a "magic" cure for the bickering. I remember mom was pretty stressed out by the constant back and forth. And now that I am a mom of a 7yr old, 4 yr old and 22 month old I see my older 2 starting to go at it verbally. I honestly think that it is a stage we all go thru. Like the "terrible twos" but more annoying because you know they CAN stop... but won't...
I always tell my kids that " we don't need the arguing". But that doesn't stop them from trying to get the last word with each other. My trick is that if they are arguing I make them sit on the sofa and NOT SAY ANYTHING... Not move... NOTHING... Just sit. My kids HATE that. But it only momentarily slows the sparing...

I have a scar from a can that my sister threw at me and it hit me in the eye... She has a scar from a fork that I threw at the sink she was standing in front of and it bounced out and stuck in her arm... But now that we are older and more mature we are best friends and talk to each other at least 5 times a week... All of us sisters do. (brother is only 13 right now...) We would start fighting (sometimes physically. Never punching and slapping, but hair pulling and wrestling) and with in 3 minutes we would be all laughing. Can't fight when your laughing together...

I know that we used to drive mom up the wall, and I know that I am going to be climbing that same wall with my kids. Try to keep it at least semi civilized and keep trying. Also know that if ANYONE outside of your family tries to mess with their sibling they will stand up for eachother.
Perhaps try putting them in the same class at a judo class... (Judo is defenseive throws and blocks while karate is attacking.) Then they can at least burn off that agression in the guise of "practice". And know how to defend themselves...

No matter what you try, your kids will think you have "lost" it because they don't see themselves fighting ALL the time...

R.,

I have 5 boys ages 13 yrs, 10 yrs (almost 11), 7 yrs (almost 8), 5 yrs and 2 yrs.What I do when the older ones start bickering and fighting is tell them if they have that much energy I am going to put it to good use. I then start handing out extra chores. Sweeping floors, moping floors, I have had them wash my van inside and out, just any thing that needs to be done. After a few times of this all I need to do is ask "do I hear you boys fighing? I have some work that needs to be done." It gets quiet pretty quickly and if it doesn't then I get some extra help around the house.

I also recommend Siblings Without Rivalry. You can't change how people feel so sometimes its best to acknowledge the feelings and try to move from there. I have 2 boys that seem to hate each other sometimes. It makes me crazy! I really should read it again.

Hello R., Wow, this brings back memories. My 3 were 1 1/2 years apart, so the rivalry was intence. Don't play referee!! Hold both accountable for their behavior. Until the consequences effect them directly, this will not stop. I used to tell my children that if they couldn't get along with each other, then there would be no friends for either of them. For every fight, they had to spend one day together doing chores as a team. If they couldn't complete one chore without a fight, then another was added until they could work together. It took a few times, but they both got the point. It was easier to work at getting along then spending so much time together cleaning the house!! Hope this helps you.

Your 10 year old daughter needs to be her little brothers helper not his fighting enemy. My daughter is 5 years older than my twin sons and she has never been anything but a help to us. With the age difference they don't play together alot. They more or less watch shows or movies together, make cookies and do projects together. She has always been very sweet to her brothers. I think that they do respect her space and don't bother her when she has friends over. Let her know that she is your big helper and that you need her to be patient and loving to her brother. Let your son know that his sister is older and needs some time to herself. Good luck. I know easier said than done.

I have an 11 yr old boy 8 yr old girl and a three yr old boy. The older two fought constantly and now the baby is sort of joining in. There was one thing that brought the older two together though and we have alot less fights now, they actually play together!!! They were brought together by Webkinz, funny as that sounds.... they love them and they take turns on the computer also. Wow I never thought this would be like this. When they are not playing with them on the computer they are playing with them in real life, they make up stories with them and do all kinds of stuff with them. I guess if you could find something for your kids that they enjoy and have a common interest in maybe they would get along better too. I'm not saying that they never fight anymore but it has helped for them to have a common interest. When they do fight I just threaten them that I'm taking the Webkinz away and they will get no more. I also made them sign a "contract" last year and posted it on the fridge so they remember. The contract stated the house rules and consequences for breaking the rules, no T.V. time, no computer time, no allowance etc. We also developed a behavior chart like they have at school green good all day yellow warned once blue second warning and red you loose something important to you. Green all day gets a penny in a jar and they get to get a prize at the end of the month for green everyday. Just some suggestions good luck.

Its probably a faze. I don't know much about this but when mine fight i either take something to them thats important away, Or not allow them to do something they want because they can't get along. If it gets too bad. I have them sit witht he other hugging for about 10 mins. There not allowed to disconnect. They also have soemthing taken away. But I don't know what else to do. You could try to ground them I guess. But that seems kinda harsh for them just to pick on each other. I hope I helped. Good luck. Let meknow what works I have 8,6,4, and 17 months I am sure I will be asking this sooner or later.

There's an excellent book (or so I'm told, I just bought it and intend to read it soon !) called "How to Talk so your child will listen, and how to listen so your child will talk". I don't have the author's name at hand, but this book comes HIGHLY recommended. I believe they also have a book on sibling rivelry. There's also an excellent website- google "Raising Small Souls" and go to her website. Excellent stuff !!

Ironically, I just wrote an article about this concerning a technique a friend of mine uses called, "Child of the Day." You can check it out at FamilyMaker Magazine, here:

http://www.familymakermagazine.com/Child_of_the_day.html

Good luck!

I read a book called Siblings Without Rivalry. It had some helpful points on how to handle things. You may want to order a copy. The author suggests things such as allowing them to experience and express their feelings but trying to guide them. For example, when they are bickering have them sit down and take turns expressing how they feel. So your 10 year old would start by saying, "Brother, I don't like when you ----" and your son would say "I don't like when you -----. It makes me feel like ----." Of course you will have to mediate by letting them know the rules (i.e. no name calling, no physical violence, etc.). Of course, the author explains it better than me but the basic idea is to express their feelings and work through them.

Hello R., I have 2 boys 11 and 7. We were having the same problem with them arguing and not listening. Time outs and apologies would help for a moment. Then I printed out a behavior chart with the days of the week on it. During the week if they did something really good (sharing,listening,playing well together,etc...)they would earn a star. If they exhibited unwanted behavior they would lose a star. By the end of the week if earned 10 stars they would pick something out of the reward box (computer time,trip to dollar store,pick a video from the video store,etc...) If they did not get ten stars they would have to pick out of the extra chore box(dust furniture, clean storage room, fold clothes, etc....). It took a little work on my part keeping up with the stars but I really saw a difference in their behavior because they were really working towards the ten stars. They even began to give me ideas for the rewards and chores boxes.

Do they seem to fight over the same things over and over again. Is it about one touching the other's possessions. You can send them to their rooms for an hour of alone play. Make sure that they keep their things in their own room.

There's a good chance that they are jsut bored. Not surprising with the weather the way it has been. If you make them do everything together, maybe they shouldn't. 5 yrs is a big difference and maybe they need their play time/areas seperated.

Just some thoughts. I remember fighting with my big sister, and have rivalry, but not too bad, but we were always kept busy. Either playing with the neighbors or working at home, we didn't have much free time to get in bad fights.

Raising kids is hard work! I don't have any advice for you, my 10 year old is also on the nutty path right now. But, I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

S.

Keep handling this in as positive a way as possible. Also, can you postpone returning to work until your baby is older? I know it's hard. I did it both ways and deeply regret not trying to find a way to stay home with all 4!