Help with Bickering Tweenies!!!!

I don't think I have the answer... I too have the same aged children, the difference is one is a girl and one a boy and they bicker at each other ALL THE TIME it is frustrating, I seem to be yelling all the time. And then is in seperate rooms. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN..one day they are playing together,or they are helping each other, and then...a day later they are mortal enemies.

NOW the real point... I have a sister 2 years younger than me we fought ALL the TIME, constantly until I moved out to go to college.(I know, that's a long time)But now...I am 41 and she is MY BEST FRIEND.

Hello A.,
When my girls started arguing this is what I did. Works in many situations... if they said a nasty thing about theier sister (or whoever) they would have to say 5 nice things about them. That can get them to quiet down some, and if it continued, up it to 7, 8, and so on. Does each girls have her own space in the bedroom? I know about those imaginary lines. Speaking really QUIET works great too.

Hi A....
I know this sounds silly...but my mom used it on my sister and I and I've used this on my boys that are the same ages as your girls. I tried the grounding, punishing, etc too. When they start in. I make them have a seat on the couch, they have to put their arms around each other and sit there for awhile. They soon get tickled and get passed the fighting--I'm not saying forever! But it has helped me in the past. Most recently they were pulling their fighting maneuver in public and I proceeded to find a bench for them to sit on and put their arms around each other and sit there in front of everyone. They of course got tickled and got over it. Also, before they get up they must apologize to each other and tell each other that they love their brother.
Hang in there--I so understand how my mom felt now....
Les

I have 3 kids, ages 15, 13, and 8 and they rarely fight and bicker. I just don't allow it. When they start I tell them to talk to each other like they want to be talked to and they usually stop. I have 2 brothers and we didn't fight much either and to this day we are still great friends but My Mom was the same way, she didn't allow it to get started. If the kids can't get along, they get separated to different areas of the house but usually reminding them that they need to talk to each other with respect usually helps and they rarely have to be separated. I don't think it's good to allow arguing and fighting as they will get more angered and say things they don't mean and can hurt each others feelings really bad and cause deep bitter feelings at a young age. It's just like allowing an argument to go too long between husband and wife. If it doesn't get dealt with then 20 years from now you still won't get along and will be miserable.

i am an older sister who was an only child until i was six, so there was a lot of resentment there, and i really think it only started to subside when we both became adults! we get along fine now, although we are SO different it's hard for us to be really close friends. i was going to suggest a "girls day" or something that you guys can bond over, and i LOVE the sitting and holding hands/hugging idea. especially the hugging - that sounds guaranteed to end in a tickle fight! good luck, and to answer your question, it's totally normal, in fact i'd say inevitable. especially sharing a room - i was in the same boat as a kid! and sometimes you just need your space. obviously space is an issue if they have to share a room to begin with, but maybe separating them sometimes for just some quiet time would help? as long as you keep at it, and reinforce that love that is already there, they'll be fine. good luck!

A.,
Well I have the same problem my 2 boys 10 & 12 used to fight every minute. I feel your fustration. It hurts watching them be ugly to each other. I do think that this is natural and they will grow out of it. My youngest is very bossy and the 12 yr old is a push over. They used to bunk together but I have split them up, one upstairs the other downstairs. This has really helped.(Even if you could find a space big enough for a small bed or try letting one sleep on the couch in the living room once in a while). I have notice they get along better when they have their own space. On weekends they used to get upset when having friends spend the night. The other brother would play with their friends and they would fight over the friend. Now, when one wants someone to spend the night, I try and see if the other can spend the night with a friend. That way they have their friends all to themselves. Or I send one outside to play with friends and the other stays inside with friends. I really try hard to seperate them on weekends because they have enough one on one time during the week. When they fight I make them do pushups, they hate them so its really perfect. Plus they are getting exercise. They can't fight while doing them so its nice and quite. Sometimes, I make them sit on their beds (mostly to get control of their emotions) then when they have calmed down I dicuss with them what they should have done to prevent a fight. I learned to stop taking sides because both had very good excuses for fighting. I just come up with a chore for both to work on together. (Raking leaves, picking up dog poo..) They are not aloud to discuss the arguement or they get another chore. They now know better to let me hear them fight. Now I'm seeing and hearing more and more, how they are trying to work out the conflicts.(They sure don't want to pick up after 4 dogs lol) I have several other children who where fed up with the fighting too. When we go out I mix them up and make sure they don't sit together or on each others team. So space, having different friends, extra chores for argueing, an outlet to express fustration, and continue to let them know that friends come and go but family is all you got! I am hoping that when they get older they will be best friends but until they do get them some boxing gloves! lol
Ear plugs are a blessing
K.

My sister and I are one day less than a year apart. As teenagers, we fought over everything--the car we shared, clothes, everything. I can tell you that we are now best friends! It was when we left to go to college that we became much closer. We had our own space and really had nothing left to fight over. We live pretty far apart now, but talk on the phone all the time and have a really close friendship.

I know it drove my mother crazy too. Is there any way they could get more time and space to themselves? Like taking turns with one on one time with you? Also, maybe a relative or family friend could take them on outings together every once in a while. I know I felt less comfortable arguing with my sis when I was with someone other than my parents. Are there games you could play as a family where it would require them to work as a team?

They are also probably old enough that you could sit them down and have a serious talk. You may have already done this, but let them know how tired and sad it makes you feel. My mom once told me that sometimes she also wished she didn't have to come home to hear the fighting. It really had an impact on me and made me realize how much it hurt her. Tell them you need help--you don't know what to do any more, and that it's not right that everyone else in the household has to be around the arguing. All of you together can come up with a specific plan for whenever there starts to be a fight. Maybe it's going in separate rooms (neither of them in the shared bedroom) for an amount of time and cool off, then come together and talk about the problem/solution. Or, something else that everyone agrees is a good plan.

Best wishes!

Have you read the book Siblings Without Rivalry? It's a great book, and an easy read. You might want to check it out (it's by the people who wrote how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk). Basics are... let them know how you feel "it makes me so angry when you guys fight and I don't even want to be around the house" and give them the power to fix it "I know you two can work out a solution you both will find acceptable"...

I guess I feel like books help give me a place to start..

K.

Make them hold hands for so much time out of the day until they can get it under control. Maybe for 10 min the first time in the day you have to ask them to stop. Then 15, then 30. They will get the point, and eventually either poke each other's eyes out, or start getting along. My friend had the same thing with her girls. We are also starting to go through that. WWJD would also be something to think about if you are a christian to ask them.

JOB JAR!! "If you have the energy to bicker like that, you have the energy to do chores. Each of you go pull a chore from the jar and use your energy on that. Check in with me when it's done so I can inspect your work." (Consequences for blatantly poor chore execution.)

C.

Some friends in our Sunday School class have an 8 year old son and 10 year old daughter. They have had the bickering going on at their house for a long time. They finally instituted an incentive, a marble jar. When one or both does anything super good (said something especially kind, helped each other out with some work, etc.), Mom or Dad puts in marbles. When one or both does something wrong (unkind to each other, trouble at school, etc.), Mom or Dad takes marbles out. When they get a full jar, they get to split $15 evenly to put with their own money. The point is, they have to work together to fill the marble jar in order to get the reward.

Hi and I am sorry to say but I understand your pain. My daughter is twelve and my son is 7. They do not share rooms but argue constantly. We finally had our last straw when over the weekend we found out that our son is telling his sister that he hates her. I am not a fan of hate and have taught my kids (what I thought were different measures) to get their feelings out but nothing we have tried before has worked either. SO READ THIS CLOSELY... We enlisted a no talk rule for the week. I know this seems drastic, but wait hear me out. They talk to others just not each other. The goal is at the end of the week they will have missed speaking with each other, and understand that if they can't say anything nice they shouldn't say anything at all. If nothing else you will gain a week worth of peace, no arguing, no breaking them up, no none of that stuff that is starting to drive you mad. We are half way through the week now and am unsure which effect we will get but the house has been much more peaceful, so I think at the end even if they don't get the primary idea, my husband and I got a break. You know like a little vacation. Just enough for you to be able to get back in the fight with them. And just so you know we tried all that other stuff too, and we will go back to the drawing board if this doesn't bring real change. Hey, we might even extend the week to, two. Some kids need longer for stuff to stick, like my twelve year old. I keep trying to instill in them that they are all each other has in life. If we weren't here tomorrow would they take care of each other...

Sibling rivalry happens! Being roomates stirs the pot more. Been a sib & have a girl set & boy set of my own. Arguments over TV or music are sovled by compromise or taking turns. A skill they need to learn anyway.
SMALL bribes are not out of the question. For each day you get along, you get a point. Really bad stuff gets points taken away. The key word to this is TEAMWORK (theirs). So many points gets you a CD, a poster, DVD, T-shirt, computer time, playdates, outings, etc. Ultimately, as Mom, "I can give you more time and things, if you don't consume all my time & sanity with your fights."
Try to engage them in activities they have do do as a team.
Last, but not least, a little life lesson: "How does fighting make you feel?" (answer hopefully will be "not good") "Who is responsible for your anger?" Make them OWN their behavior.
Nothing will make this totally go away. But having a catch phrase or word you can call them out with (Teamwork, Who Owns Your Anger, etc. -pick one & keep it, consistancy counts), can sometimes slow it down.

My girls are younger, but it sounds totally normal to me. I'd just try to stay out of it if I were you, and tell them to work it out on their own. They'll be better friends in the long run if you're not interviening. Good luck. Its hard to distance yourself, I know, and I've still got this to look forward to.

My sons 16 & 17 go from being the best of friends out in public to trying to knock each others heads off at home. I'm not sure it stops until they are out of high school. I'm hoping anyway. :)Hang in there.

I have a 10 year old, twin 8 year olds, and a 4 year old. All girls. Fights happen at our house too. I love the idea about not letting them talk to each other for a week. I may try that one. When the fighting gets too bad at our house, I take each one aside and ask them secretly to look for one thing each day that they can do to help out each sister. Then as they are getting ready for bed I secretly ask for a report. They ususally get excited to tell me what they have done. It ranges from making a sister's bed for her, playing a game with one of them, sharing a treat, or simply resisting the urge to yell about something. It doesn't stop the bickering completely, but I hope it is helping them to think outside of themselves at least for a little while.

A. -

I have two kiddos and I THOUGHT having them five years apart would distance them some from the fighting. WRONG! I have seen kids that are like 8-10 years apart that fight. It is a SIBLING thing I have come to realize not an age thing. The very best advice I can give you is these two pieces that have worked for us VERY well:

ONE: DO NOT BE AN AUDIENCE OR MEDIATOR! Tell them you will not listen to it PERIOD. And mean it!!! If they begin bickering leave the room or instruct them to take it to their bedroom until they can be in the rest of the house without the tension. Tell them they are old enough to work out their differences amongst themselves overall and you will not allow yourself to be drug into their fights. If there is a serious issue, tell them that they may come to you when they are BOTH calm AND willing to listen to one another and that then at that point you will help them work through the issue. Our kids rarely go at each other in front of us because the fact is generally kids won't argue long without an audience. Our kids are never allowed to resort to hitting/putting their hands on one another.

TWO: When our kids were a little younger (they are 9 and almost 15 now) and the spats got too bad we had them go into the living room, sit down on the couch, hold hands, and say nothing for about 5-10 min or however long it took them to calm down. It is pretty hard to continue fighting when you have to remain silent AND hold hands! It sounds quirky but it WORKED EVERY SINGLE TIME! :) We would use it now but since we have the ZERO TOLERANCE policy on being an audience we haven't needed it.

I hope you will find something that works for you and your girls. They ARE friends but at this age and throughout the teen years they may be "frienemies" more often than not. My sister and I fought a lot through the years and we also shared a room. I was a total pain in the butt to her and she still loves me! We are very close. They will learn to work it out - but only if you give them to the communication tools to do so. It shall pass! Could be a long phase but they will make it through it! Good luck! :)

A. I agree with the advise Roxanna gave, my little sister and I are 6 years apart and I can remember the days of battle with her. Try what Roxanna said and maybe think positive at getting them into a good counsellor that can work with each one on one and then a day together to see if they can work on working the issues out in a more positive way. Good luck. It all will work out in the end.
A.