How to Stop the Fighting? 12 Year Old and 7 Year Old

I tie mine together, literally! Lol! I tie their ankles together, and give them a task to complete. And once they have completed the task, and are talking nice to each other, I untie them. I don't have to do this nearly as often as I used to.

Well, you could do what my mom used to do with me & my sister: When things got to where she couldn't take it any longer, she'd make us sit and hug each other, cheek to cheek, for an hr. We weren't allowed to move, to talk, to do anything until that hour was up. Let me tell ya--that put an end to the fighting real fast. Good luck!

I'm reading a really good book right now called Assertive Disipline for parents By Lee Caner. One example in the book was regarding the same issue that you are having right now. The author gave an example of children who fight constantly and disrupt the whole family. What was suggested after a few warnings was to take action. It was suggested when ever any type of disagreement or argument took place the children would go straight to bed after dinner. No TV, no games, or whatever they liked to do afterhomework. They would go striaght to their rooms and go to bed. This would take place every night.
The authur also described how this method worked for this family for a while things got alot better. The kids stopped the bickering. Then it started again this time the parents thought well it's not as bad as it was before so we won't make them go to bed. To make a long story short, they were not consistant so it started again and with greater intensity. Meaning no matter how small the argument the consequence is the same. And this would be their choice to go to bed because they were told what would happen. " Sorry you decided to fight so you have choosen to go to bed right after dinner."

I just read the first post, reminded me of my aunt and uncle and my cousins whenever they got into it: their parents would just make them sit on couch and make them hold hands and not otherwise moving or speaking. Worked like a charm! :) I am sure you will get many other wonderful suggestions but here are some thoughts right now:

1. Anything physical is totally unacceptable - the minute that begins to happen, they need to be separated, and there needs to be immediate consequences. You can work with them and have a discussion as to what those consequences should be (taking things away, losing TV time, being grounded, etc. - see more below).

2. Each kid gets a marble jar - good behavior (getting along, talking nice) earns you a marble - bad behavior (yelling, calling names, being rude) results in losing a marble. Decide what sort of reward should be given after X number of marbles have accumulated.

3. Do not take sides - many times siblings fight and expect the parent to back each one of them up and declare a winner and a loser. The reality is it is a lose-lose situation, they would be better off learning to resolve their own problems without resorting to fighting.

4. I recommend a book called "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." It is great for learning how to communicate with your kids and getting them to start seeking solutions for their own problems, rather than always expecting you to take charge.

5. Take a hard look at where they may be learning this behavior. Could it be what they are watching on TV? Do they see you and the other adults in their lives resolve conflicts in a mature fashion or is there a lot of screaming and arguing and other drama going on? I noticed that you did not mention their dad, if he is in the picture or what role he might be playing in this? Do you have rules and expectations of their behavior and are you consistent in enforcing them? You might want to look into classes or other sources of professional help that can coach them in conflict resolution - skills that they will need all their lives because they are going to have to learn to get along with roommates, co-workers, spouses, etc.

Good luck to you...

They don't have to like each other, but they have to be civil. Keep them apart as much as possible. Give each one some one on one time with you. Remind them they won't be living with each other their whole lives. They'll grow up and move away, but in the mean time they can stay away from each other and be as kind as they would be to anyone else.

I read years ago about a mom that assigned chores to thier children when they fought. The more they fought, the cleaner the house! After a while, they decided it was more fun to get a long!

lol i feel you on the fight it out comment. and hey you never know the 7 year old might win!!! but you may just have to come to realizie they might not get along until they get older or they may never get along. so you may have to try and keep them seperated as much as you can. good luck s/n sometimes the ones that fight the most, love each other the most! let one of them go off to camp or send one off for a few days and see what happens!

It is unfortunate that big brother isn't "feeling" the role of protector/nurturer to his younger sis. Maybe you have some friends with kids of similar age that might be good role models by demonstrating how they get along with each other?
Some siblings never get along, but there should be consequences when they treat each other bad.... it would be the same lesson on how to treat EVERYONE with respect and that does start at home.
Your son should have his own space (his own room if that's possible) and he is at the age where little sisters are probably pretty much a bother and he doesnt want them ruining his "stuff". Sisters should not be allowed in his room without his permission and vice versa.
You need to talk to both of them separately and mirror what they say about how they feel about each other, for example: If you son states that his sister is a pain and always bugging him you could say "Yeah, little sisters can be that way sometimes, she loves you tho and you are her hero and she wants to be as big as you are and likes hangin out with you because she thinks you are an awesome big brother.." Do what you can to make each of them understand how important brothers and sisters are to each other.
Of course, in time, if you survive it, they will all get along when they are older, but I bet it's a madhouse right now.
Good luck ;)

someone else posted earlier today about sibling rivalry. Check out the answers there...

.... well that is how me and one of my siblings were.
CONSTANT fighting.
The thing was though... she was a BIG Antagonist. And her whole point everyday was just to irk or boss me around. I was the younger one.

But the other thing was, I really couldn't stand her. As a person. Even when that young. Now as an adult... I don't really like her. Still. She's selfish, egocentric, rigid, pompous etc. So, although I am older now and CAN "tolerate" her and we 'get along' and are civil... I actually do not 'like' her as a person.
And... that for me is the issue.
I could not stand her as a child. And she was jealous of me, and actually admitted that to me one day. Thus she constantly picked on me, when we were younger. A real Bully, in other words.

So... kids do not have to 'like' each other. But can maybe attain the ability .... to be civil.
The other thing is... no one, could have FORCED me to 'like' my sister... when we were kids. Because, she picked on me for no reason.

all the best,
Susan