When to Step In-sibling Fighting

put the instigator in time out and if you dont know who the instigator is both. the instigator will always say the other one started it. if it is just bickering make them hash it out but no putting the other one down. or calling names the first one to call names or belittle the other gets punished. so what if sissy looked at her mean if she is tattling and crying I say nap time I would put her to bed

what my mom made me and my sister do was sit indian style facing each other and hold hands for 15 minutes every time we fought after a while we stopped fighting

I grew up with 2 sisters, close in age, which is a recipe for disaster. Luckily, we had a smart mom. Here's what she did when we got into fights.

First, she made it clear that when she hears a fight that sounds mean or violent, EVERYONE involved with the fight has to go sit in the corner. Separate corners. No eye contact. No speaking. Facing the wall. If you left time out with out permission, you start over. If one person is obviously the instigator, that person got a longer time-out.

This way, we learned that just STARTING fights gets us into trouble.

Only takes a few times being "tough" and consistent. We did keep fighting, but not as bad as some of our friends and their siblings! Kids fight.

I ignore fights unless they get out of hand. Otherwise we just drive ourselves nuts! If my boys get violent or start cursing then I will immediately step in, otherwise I just listen but let them work it out.

i think it's a very bad idea for parents to referee sibling fights. for one thing, parents can rarely sort out who is *really* the instigator. but even more important, kids HAVE to learn how to hash out differences. if they are taught to always bring their conflicts to adults (which is what happens in schools now, children are rarely encouraged to work things out themselves) they will not develop the skills necessary to work out conflicts when they ARE adults. dole out equal consequences for both participants if the fighting is loud or intrusive or getting on your nerves (after a warning of course.) it's perfectly okay to put kids in time-out for YOUR sanity.
khairete
S.

For my two, I say, "it sounds like things are getting ugly....do I need to help out?" they both will scream, "Noooooooooo! we are good." this is because when my two need me to "help out" (or help them to figure out the problem) then i solve it by each one clean a toilet! We no longer have any fighting in my house and the little I do, I get a semi clean toilet, so not much of an issue anymore. Main thing is that they have learned to be more compromising with each other and have learned to share. So I basically kinda forced them to figure it out on their own since that was better than cleaning a toilet. I got the idea btw cuz I had had it one day & I thought you know if you want to start $hit, then you should know how to clean it up! LOL my mind is weird, but ironically very effective. Best of luck.

I always had the rule that there is no hitting allowed in my house and if they hit each other they would get a spanking.. yep, being spanked for hitting... and it worked. My kids never got physical in their fights. What your girls need is communication help so put them both on the couch together, time out starting when they are both quiet and need to be quiet, no talking for 5 minutes. Then give them a talking stick, a popsicle stick would work and the only one allowed to talk is the one with the stick. They state their side using "I feel" statements. Then after the first one has the stick and says their side then the other is given the stick and says her side with the "I feel" statements. This will give them communication skills that will last them a life time.

That said, now I would say why you shouldn't jump in and get after just one. I have two boys who were 5 and half years apart. The youngest was very vocal screaming "Shut up" everytime he didn't like something. I would punish him because "shut up" is not nice to say and there is better ways to express yourself. One morning my youngest was eating breakfast at the table, he was about 6 at the time. My oldest came out of his bedroom and I needed to tell him something so I followed him into the kitchen but he didn't see me. I heard he quietly say to his brother "You're a GIRL" and the youngest yelled "Shut up". It opened my eyes that while the youngest is making the most noise, there is reason behind it and that needs to be addressed. By putting them both in time out together it lets them cool down, keeps you from taking sides and puts them on even ground even with the age difference. By teaching them communication skills and respect for one another, you are giving them a chance for a friendship that will carry them through out their lives.

My husband tells ours that they are NOT ALLOWED to talk to each other. lol
That reverse psychology stuff actually works 90% of the time. Usually within less than 10 minutes.

We never bothered with time outs, and we only need one warning for anything and they'll choose to avoid a consequence. Therefore, I let them fight a certain amount, but they know once I've warned them to quit, they have to. Usually I tell them they're both going to get a consequence if I have to come in and help them resolve the dispute. I usually give that warning when words get too mean (which isn't very mean, because that got nipped, but I can tell when they sound more "hostile" in tone, or they get too rough). If it starts to escalate again, or the bickering continues at ALL, I'm like, "Oh, are you guys sure you don't need my help in there??!!" and their like "NOOO!!!" Now little sis is in the mix, and at 18 months,she gets a little more slack, and she's been a natural buffer since the other two naturally ease up when she's around. Or ELSE. It's only under control because I was always careful to follow through on my warnings EVERY time in the early days. Be calm, swift and consistent once they reach the level you decide is unacceptable.

My kids are about those ages too.
My kids being 4 and 8.
My kids ADORE each other and are very close. But they fight.

From about 4 years old, a child gets more aware of things, inequities, feelings, right/wrong, fairness/unfairness etc.
It is their changing cognition....
So, from about a certain age juncture, kids fight. Even if they are the best buddies. Childhood.

My kids started 'fighting' when my son was about 3 becoming 4 years old. It was changing development. I could see it and tell.
Then the Eldest kid, gets more crafty... about 'manipulating' the youngest. Even if on purpose. So, fights happens. The 4 year old also per their age, gets MORE cognizant and will speak up more (not like when they were clueless babies or toddlers), and they WILL fight back/stand up for themselves.
So, also though, a 4 year old CANNOT 'rationalize' like the older sibling. So they cry or get frustrated.

KEEP things, and your "expectations', age appropriate. And in line with their development.

There is a BIG difference, between a 4 year old and a 7 year old or 8 year old. I TELL my Eldest child... that she CANNOT 'expect' her little brother to be like her, to act like her, to know things like her etc. Because he is 4. She is 8. So, my 'explaining' child development to her... HELPS "her".... manage better, in relation to her little brother. I TELL her, what is funny to her... is NOT to him. He understands things differently, per his age.

So, when fights occur... I step in... when it is clearly.... unfair. And when they get 'stuck' in a bad cycle and not stopping.
IF one of my kids asks for help and referring, I do it.
They need to learn... and that is what I am there for... to GUIDE... it and the fight. And doing any discipline as needed.

I ALSO, 'teach' them that they are siblings. And WE are "Family." AND that means... we ALL have each other's back. We take care... of each other and help. That they are a "TEAM".... not enemies.

all the best,
Susan

Stepping in before the fur flies is a good idea.
When my sister and I were growing up, my Mom let us fight it out and it never stopped till we grew up and moved away from home.
The advice of the day was - they need to learn to resolve their own problems.
The only problem with that is not much gets resolved when the fists are flying and the hair is getting pulled out.
Divide and conquer. If they can't play nice together, they need to get away from each other and stay in separate rooms.
If the 4 yr old is out of control at the moment, she needs to vent in her room till the storm blows over.
They don't have to like each other all the time, but they should be at least as civil as they would be to strangers.

I don't put up with fighting. When I was a kid, my mom would say "take it outside" when we were fighting. We were mean to each other. I don't allow that. I step in and encourage kindness and handling disagreements in a nice way. If they are both fighting, I put them both in time out. If it's just one, then I put that one in time-out. I'm pretty consistent and keep things under control somewhat but my kids do treat each other better than my sisters and I did.

It sounds like they are bored. You should probably give them lots of work to do when they don't get along. Have them work together to complete a project. Then, give them things to keep them occupied. We do not allow this type of behavior between our children. They are brothers and sisters, and therefore, should love each other and consider each other higher than themselves (all of them towards each other). They must love each other with their words and their actions. Yes, sometimes we have bickering, but we nip it in the bud immediately, requiring repentance and forgiveness. I find that it gets to this when I have been busy with other things and not directing their activities. Joyfulness is a must in a family (at least in ours). We need to remember to be more thankful for each other.

Can you stand one more response?? :) My boys fought. I tried everything. But at that age--I wish I had tried putting them BOTH in their rooms and NOT asking or trying to figure out "who started it". It doesn't matter. They will get bored at this age. Hopefully, they don't share a room. But I wouldn't let it go on. I tried that and then they just got too big and too physical. I know what you mean when you say it wears you out. It is hard on the moms! Every time they start---immediately send them to their rooms. After a while, they will get sick of it. And if they don't ---they can't get to each other---so you will enjoy it too! I ALSO would "discipline" my kids with having to clean. Sometimes I had a very clean house. My first choice was always the bathrooms, also. Ha ha!! Everybody must hate cleaning bathrooms!!

Read the Book "Siblings Without Rivalry," by Faber & Mazlish. It's FANTASTIC at helping you to understand how to deal with sibling quarrels and such. When 1 hits the other, tell the one who gets hit to tell the hitter that "hitting hurts! no hitting!" It takes the 'tatle' part out of it & empowers that child to stand up for himself.

Also, when 1 child won't share with the other, don't force the sharing or take the object away; just say "if you don't share now, he's going to remember that the next time you want something that he has."

So, you're allowing them to essentially figure it out on their own, but you're giving them the tools that they need to do that.

This is all covered in the book. Good luck.

Updated

Read the Book "Siblings Without Rivalry," by Faber & Mazlish. It's FANTASTIC at helping you to understand how to deal with sibling quarrels and such. When 1 hits the other, tell the one who gets hit to tell the hitter that "hitting hurts! no hitting!" It takes the 'tatle' part out of it & empowers that child to stand up for himself.

Also, when 1 child won't share with the other, don't force the sharing or take the object away; just say "if you don't share now, he's going to remember that the next time you want something that he has."

So, you're allowing them to essentially figure it out on their own, but you're giving them the tools that they need to do that.

This is all covered in the book. Good luck.

I'd step in if they begin to hit or belittle each other. Otherwise learning to work out problems through conflict is good for them.

If 4 year old cries because sissy looked at her mean I'd ignore it or say, "Oh, I bet that hurt your feelings."

You don't say what they are fighting about. But I have a couple of sugestions. If they are fighting about TV, assign times they each get to watch what they want, if their favorite programs are on at the same time, record one to be watched at a later time. The TV stays off or it's parent's favorite programs during the time it's not their time. If it's a messy room, survey the room the child that has the biggest mess picks up. If you take away the source of the conflict then they have no conflict. They will find other things to fight about. When they do ask them do you like being restricted to 1 hour of TV a day? No? Then would you like me to take away... Either get along or I take it away.
I would never make my kids clean as a punishment. Then cleaning is always a punishment, when they grow up and have homes of their own they will still see cleaning as punishment.
No name calling or hitting is ever allowed--no matter what.