7 Year Old Daughter Is Extremely Jeolous of 3 Year Old Daughter - What Do I Do?

I only have one child, so my suggestion is more "academic" than experiential. However--I've heard great things about "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish.

Sibling rivalry is a tricky one. Lets look at the scenario that you gave. If your 7 year old says something is not as nice you can respond with "I thought your would like it. If you do not like what I pick would you like to come with me next time?" This is NOT said sarcastically. It is just a calm response to what she said. If you take what you gave away from her as punishment you will be reinforcing the feeling that you do not love her as much. Some quick thoughts:
1.Focus on what your child is saying at the moment.
2. Enlist your 7 year olds help in problem solving. "You think that I spend more time with your sister. How can we remedy this? What are some things that we could do together? Lets make a list."
3. Listen to your 7 year old and acknowledge her feelings. "You sound upset." "I am hearing some disappointment." She what she says about that.

It is an ongoing process. On thought to keep in mind; You cannot punish away sibling rivalry.

I would love to hear how it all works out.

B.

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This can be simplified into situations that are not about the items themselves. You should NOT cater to this or show too much "understanding" in these particular moments. Use you attetnion and positivity in showing them how to be happy when the other gets something nice, and make it very clear that being bratty or ungrateful is not allowed.

With my kids, they always get special treats all day every day, and lots of attention and love-not so much stuff from stores-but gifts from friends and relatives and special things I do for them. We have no problem with rivalry issues, because from the get go, such statements would not be allowed and would have consequences. If two kids are fighting over a toy, they get one waring that if they need my help resolving it, they will both get a consequence in addition to the toy being taken away. When I ask if they still need my help, they say "no" and go back to playing nicely.
If my daughter would complain about something she has gotten, she would be told that is not nice behavior and if she continued she would be disciplined. Which is why she never does that. Meanwhile, she gets lots of nice things and I make sure each child has their own stuff and doesn't always have to share and I also encourage them to think of nice things for each other, so they don't dwell on the times their "getting" isn't equal. Just be firm, it's natural, don't allow it.

Hi B., The first thing you have to do is quit trying to win. You won't...ever. Espically with the age gap you are dealing with. Try taking time out with your oldest alone. Spend time with her doing things like shopping, baking, reading or even taking a walk without the little one along. I know that is tough, but it will pay off in the long run. As the mother of three girls with a 5 yr gap between the first and last I can tell you that there is/will be always something going on...girls really are all about the drama and with more than a 2 yr gap they really won't be "friends" until your youngest is much older (late teens if your lucky). You have to remember that she had you all to herself for 4 long years, and it's hard to share a Mom and once the baby is walking, talking and getting into her stuff it is harder. Being a big sister isn't all it's cracked up to be and as Mom's we have to watch how much we expect from our oldest...they are just kids. Don't react to the jeolousy and don't reward it. Remind her that she is who she is and try to keep their activities somewhat different. If one takes dance the other can take gymnastics, if one plays softball the other can play soccer or basketball, if one plays the violin the other can play the cello or piano. Don't dress them up alike (except for those important Christmas PJ's) and encourage them to be independant and different. It has always been important to my girls that they each have their "own" thing. This will help as well. Good luck and best wishes.

She know how to get her way...don't let her, i agree with Kelly

Sounds like sibling rivalry and she has learned that you let her get away with it. If she complains that hers is not as nice, say ok than that means you don't want it and take it away. Don't let her guilt you into trying to over compensate her. Set a schedule to show that each girl is getting their own alone time with Mommy. Set up chores for each girl, the 3 yo get 3 dollar allowance, the 7 yo gets 7 dollars unless she starts complaining about her chores or allowance, then you can make everything even by giving her only 3 dollars. Remember you are the Mom, you make the rules, she is playing the guilt card very well with you right now. Stop the rivalry now with just a bit of tough love and you will have a happy home. Make sure she knows why the toy is being taken away or why the allowance is lowered or why you are now treating her like the baby. Let her know she is the big girl that needs to be the example for her little sister and that is what you expect from her. Set her up to win as an older and wiser child, notice the good things she does. She is screaming for attention but not in a good way. You are the boss. Chores like sweeping the floor or taking out the trash or other things that are age appropriate will help them have a responsibility and a way to succeed. You need to notice the job, call it well done. Show them anything that needs to be done better kindly, make sure they get their allowance and give them a way to make extra money in order to to get something they want that is more expensive. Teach them how to save in the bank, how to give to church, etc. Now is the best time for them to learn about money, teaching younger children how to do something, and people skills. Good luck!

I second "Siblings Without Rivalry"!

Also, you could say something like, "Hmmmm...sounds like you are unhappy with the selection when I buy you things. How about you earn your own money and then you can buy what you want with it?" Have her do extra chores around the house for money, for instance, vacuuming would earn her $1, dusting 50 cents, picking up sticks in the yard 50 cents, etc. I am absolutely serious about this; it isn't a punishment, but allowing her to learn the value of a dollar. Maybe if she has to earn the money herself for things she will actually value them more.
Hope this helps! :)

I absolutely LOVE Brandi's advice, and think its important to validate the feelings while showing that its a fact of life and trying to look at the benefits of having a sibling... I don't at all agree with punishment.

I wonder what order you were with your siblings? Were you 1st, middle, last? The feelings you had about your own upbringing will come into play here and be quite important. You can talk about your experiences with your own siblings with your daughter too - she'll benefit from hearing your stories.

Basically, making sure you can occasionally spend some alone time with your eldest will probably help a lot - each time she worries about attention being spent on the youngest or what the youngest is getting etc., you can remind her that you've got a 'date' scheduled together soon, and that you can't wait for your time together. You can ask her if she's thought about what she'd most like to do, or if she wants some ideas from you - but, mainly you reminding her how much you are looking forward to spending time with her should go a long way!!

Finally, this is completely normal, and you are doing a lot more than others would by even thinking about it - so no need to blame yourself or expect that it will ever go away entirely - its just something that you will all need to adjust to and manage with time. Best of luck! x

We are constantly dealing with this at our house. My 7 yo is the same way.

I have taken her out alone (we got ice cream and sat and ate it on a bench in a park) and explained that things were never going to be exactly equal. That is a part of life. I am going to do things for one and not the other forever. They are not the same child, they are not twins, they are 4 years apart. I have 4 siblings, and this was hard to deal with growing up, but it is a part of life. There is no difference in the love that overfills my heart for any of my children. My daughter is the smartest, most generous child on the face of the earth. She has been my co-conspiritor in service projects (she helps decide what charities to give to, she makes card for elderly and sick relatives and friends, she gathers toys and books for the underpriviliged) and she and I have a bond over crafts and projects. Her younger sib and I have a different bond. We enjoy doing different things together. There is no way to make that equal, they are different kids.

There are times when the older gets material things - clothes, book fair books, lunch money, special snacks - and time to do the things we enjoy together, and there are times when those resources go to her sibling. But the love and joy for them that is in my heart is exactly the same.

This is an issue that I watch adults CONSTANTLY struggle with. My own sibs and I don't compare gifts, or kids, and when my brother bought a house, or my sister had a baby, we never begrudged any extra expense or time that my parents used for that need. My husband's family is the opposite, and they feel an overwhelming need to make everything "50/50".

We have reached the point that if I hear "That's not fair" or "why did that happen to them and not me...." I just shrug and say "oh, well".

Good luck@

I'd gone through the same thing here with my older daughter and my twins. While my older one never showed any signs of jealousy w/ her sisters before, the older she gets, the worse everything gets. First there was the constant fighting over which toys belong to which girl, who's wearing whose socks, etc., but then we started w/ the whole "you don't love me as much" bit. So what I did was I took all 3 girls to the Dollar Tree (awesome store!) at separate times--the twins one and my older another--and allowed them each to pick out a few items of their own. That way, no one could blame me for them not having the "nicer" item. You might want to try something like that with your older daughter. Best of luck!

Hi, B.:

Stop buying things for the children except neccesities and
special occasions: ex. for birthdays etc.

If this is the only time your older daugher is upset, that will take care of the problem.

It seems to me that this jealousy is a symptom of something deeper.

Stop the buying and then see what comes up next. Write back then for advice.
Hope this helps. D.

This is happening with my boys right now. My 6 year old get really mad at my 3 year old. What we try and do is to make sure that we are spending some time with him alone. He is so well behaved when he is away from his brother. So try that. Maybe make a mommy and her afternoon and so something fun together. I hope it helps. People tell me that they will grow out of that stage. Some days I have my doubts, but I know they will. Good Luck.