7 Almost 8 Yrold with Stress

Hi S.,
I am a school psychologist and it is NOT normal for your child (or any child) to bite themselves when they are stressed (or otherwise). You daughter is trying to deal with stress and she's not sure how to do that. Having her talk to the school counselor will help her deal with her stress in a more efficient manner and help her learn to recognize signs of stress or situations that will cause stress for her so she can deal with it before it gets worse. If she doesn't learn to deal with it now, it will likely continue into adulthood and she'll still be struggling to learn to deal with it and may find other outlets (i.e., cutting). That is a lot of changes for an adult to handle let alone a child.

I'm also concerned about your husband's reaction to the situation. If I were you, I would sit down with him to find out why he's so against this. Maybe he had a bad experience in school, maybe he has similar stress or anxiety issues, or maybe it's his perception of the school counselor and what that means for his child. If possible go to the school counselor together so that she/he can talk to you about what is considered "normal" what she can do to help, and what you can do at home. This may help your husband if he's able to ask questions of the counselor and/or see her office so it's not considered that there is something "wrong" with him as a parent or with his child and that the counselor isn't there to judge you. If he's not open to this I would consider getting information from the counselor about cases such as your daughters and handouts on how to help her. This may also help to explain to your husband that this is NOT normal and that she needs help before it gets worse. Is her behavior/stress affecting her academically? You may want to meet with the school counselor and teacher to discuss what can be done to help her in the classroom as well (i.e., breaks to calm herself when stressed, chances to ask questions when she's feeling stress about an assignment etc). Hope this helps and if you have any other questions just send me a message.

Hi Stephanie,
That is a lot of new, for everyone. Since the hubby is against the worry rock and the counselor, there are a few other things that you could try. They are all completely normal, and hubby shouldn't have a problem with them.

1. Introduce her to using a diary or drawing book. When she is stressed she can write things down, draw pics, etc.

2. Introduce her to running or exercise. Since the weather is nice, take the family to the local school track in the evening for a family walk. Whatever is bothering her, take it out on the track. Not herself.

3. Start an exercise time at home. For 30 mins or so a day, the family all worksout together, situps, jumping jack, jogging in place, lunges.... dancing to videos, etc.

4. Meditation, yoga, etc...

The key is to find an inexpensive, can move with you anywhere, outlet, that she can do solo if needed, and can do in the future as needed.

Good luck.
M.

If you, instinctively, are feeling that your daughter is stressed, then you are on the right path. Stress and anxiety are so elevated in childhood recently, that psychologists and counselors are studying this as a whole seperate issue. Tell your husband that for centuries, grown men have had worry beads. This is not unusual, or weird. I have a pendant of Virgin Mary that I wear and rub whenever I feel a little stressed, and it is very soothing, not just for it's spiritual assurance, but for the soothing effects. It is much better that your daughter talk to somebody now. She will learn coping skills. She's been through a lot. She's just a little kid, and this will help her stay out of trouble, as a result of lack of coping skills, when she is older. This is proven. There are plenty of outside counselors, who aren't as bogged down with paperwork as school counselors, which your insurance would cover...and it's ok. If you get a good counselor, they will speak with all of you. Please, by all means, stand firm. Your husband's response shows perhaps he is in the dark ages, and maybe stressed himself. Who wouldn't be?With a great mom, who is attentive, she'll be fine.

Tell your husband its not about him...and if he has a better solution than you're all ears...Maybe he should do some reflecting as to why it bothers him so much....
With every thing going on...i'm sure she just might need a little extra attention...don't sweat the small stuff...just wait till she's a tennager..that's when he'll need to practice putting his foot down...there is absolutely nothing wrong with her going to see a counselor...women like to talk about their needs just to be heard and share something to get it off their chest and connect or commiserate if you will...men may see that as a sign of weakness and think you should find an immediate solution...AND the solution here might just be to let her talk about her feelings with someone...And girlfriend i feel your pain...i understand...my 18 mo is feeling a bit slighted and jealous of his 6 mo brother and is starting to act out for more attention..

I think the worry rock is a good way to re-direct the self-aggressive behavior in the short term. In the long term, however, being dependent on a "worry rock" to calm herself may not be effective - what happens if she loses it?

Your daughter needs on-going counseling to cope with the changes she has experienced - changes that are tough for an adult to handle! The school counselor sounds like she is a good resource. Your husband should be involved as well, so that you all can be on the same page.

What is he scared of? Obviously it was helping her. Counselors are there for a reason. Is he living with you guys? I couldn't tell if you were still married or not. If he is living there, then just ask him why he has an issue with the counselor and ask him if he would like to find a better one. The school counselor is free, so he should realize you are actually saving him money....approach it from a man's perspective and he can't argue too much. Hopefully he will just get over - he spoke his mind and you listened and informed him of what was happening, but it takes two to parent and I think you are doing what is best for her. If he absolutely won't support this, then just do the best you can by keeping your daughter in the loop and including her on everything that us happening. Talking and explaining things can go a long way. I grew up moving around a lot and as long as I had my family, I was fine. I'm sure she knows you love her and that goes a long way. When I took over as step mom and we moved to a different state, the kids took it hard, but we told them what to expect and really talked up the new place - instead of focusing on negative aspects, we told them it is an opportunity to meet new friends and experience new things. They were leery, but still excited, and then they actually loved it more and we ended up moving again, but this time they adjusted more quickly. They had a trust in us that we would be there for them no matter what and we would help them cope and adjust and get through it together. They believed what we said and we followed through and now they are making new friends again and are happy and healthy. It may take a few months to settle everyone down with all the new changes, but she will get through - and hopefully things will settle down for you too! Also - my mother told me when my brother was born she bought me a 'baby' too so I could have one like she does to take care of. There are so many options for baby dolls out there, she could really have fun mimicking you taking care of baby. Also - enlist her help - having some trust and responsibility actually helps children feel more confident and self-sufficient - plus she will feel proud of herself for helping and not have time to focus on bad things....so have her go get you the baby wipes when you need them and then praise her for doing a great job....have her help you feed the younger ones and be the big helper.....she will hopefully be able to find her new role as a big sister and help you in the process. Big families can be wonderful things - I wish you luck with your husband's job!!

Sounds to me that you already know that having your daughter talk to someone is not only a good idea but also helping. Also sounds like Dad has problems with doing anything like therapy. That's the issue you need to address, since her dad not approving of therapy could make her not want to go. Maybe have the school counseler talk to him about it to reassure him about it. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!

Hi,

If your little girl is exhibiting signs of handling stress negatively then it is definitely a good idea to have her talk to a counselor she respects and listens to. There may be other issues that she is dealing with that you are completely unaware of (teasing at school or etc). Follow your gut, moms know when something is wrong and giving her the tools to help her deal constructively with any problem that may come up in her life now and in the future can only be a good thing. Stand your ground with Dad and let him know that it may only be biting herself now but could turn into something more terrible down the road, cutting, drinking or worse. If she was falling behind in her schoolwork he would want her to see a tutor wouldn't he, why should this be any different. And try to make sure that you are spending quality alone time with her when you can, that will make her feel special! Good luck to you and God bless your little girl!

The advice here has been so great, I'm just going to add that my own daughter, who just turned 8, also underwent stress last year (mostly worries about getting schoolwork done, and her reactions weren't as severe as your daughter's) and she did find talking to the school counseler terrifically helpful. The counselor and my daughter's teacher, together, let my girl have a "worry journal" that she kept in her desk at school and she had another one at home; she would write down her worries and "when you shut the cover, you've put them away for now and can do other things." They also helped her set priorities and calm down. Seeing a trained, compassionate counselor who is experienced with kids is vital! Also, like others here on Mamasource, I am very concerned that your husband was so angry at the idea of someone helping your child - possibly he's feeling guilty about his own job situation causing this stress, or he was raised to believe that talking to "outsiders" is wrong or weak or betrays family secrets. Please, please keep up counseling for your daughter. If your husband insists your child is just "going through a phase" and he thinks self-injury is normal, perhaps he should hear directly and in person from the school counselor that neither is true. If needed, S., please consider seeing the school counselor yourself and discussing your husband's resistance to counseling for your child. The counselor can see parents too, you know!

hi S., i think you're right to be concerned about your daughter. i'm so glad the counselor was there and had some useful help to offer.
i'm just as concerned about the dad's reaction. not only denying the existence of the problem but then actively getting in the way of this girl getting help is very troubling to me. i sincerely hope you are able to convince him to (at the very least) get out of the way of those who are trying to help his little girl.
khairete
S.

Holli H's sounds like really sound advice. Can't say it better than that.

I think your husband is out of order on this one. I just asked MY husband about it, and he says he would want our girl to have whatever she needed to learn to cope, biting yourself is not normal. Some people deal better with change than others. Your husband is either one of those (I'm one of those, it's nice!) and he may feel she need so "man up". Or he's having issues of his own and doesn't even realize it. Either way, she's 8. C'mon! Some people, no matter what the age, need a little leg up from time to time, and with coping skills given by a counselor, she will be better able to "man up" in the future: she'll have some tools. You may have to remind her she has them occasionally! But she'll have them.

I also liked the other lady's suggestion of exercise helping with stress. Absolutely true.

Good luck nipping this in the bud!

-S

I had a husband who thought any counseling was a sign of weakness, that my then 12 yr old son should just "buck up" and deal with life because life wasn't fair and he had to learn to handle problems himself. I took my son anyway, he's been on Zoloft since then, and is a well composed 23 year old. You do what you think is best for your daughter, she's been through a lot of changes in such a short period it's normal that she feels so stressed, she's a kid with no control over what happens to her or where she lives. A worry rock is great, someone along here mentioned a worry journal, if possible you and she should set aside a little time every week just to check in and see if there are problems she's turning over in her head( I did this with each of my kids, saved a lot of misunderstandings and heartache, they still come for advice or just to vent). And sometimes kids don't want to worry their parents because they know Mom and Dad are worried enough, so another adult to talk to is vital--I had my grandmother. Your husband is going through a rough time himself, men like to be the almighty provider and get angry and depressed when they can't, but he can't let his own feelings get in the way of what's best for your daughter. Good luck to you and the little ones...

You do what YOU think is BEST for your daughter. It is your job. She has gone through a lot and sometimes it is hard for kids to express themselves. Let her go to the counselor she was obviously happy about it. If you do not continue to address theses issues now they will become much worse as she gets older.