My 8 Yeard Old Daughter Thinks She Needs Counseling/therapy?!

What a smart little girl you have. Feelings at her age are very confusing, and as much as you tell her its normal, she won't believe you. Take her and let her sort out her feelings with an independent party.

Will therapy hurt her? No, and there may be more going on with and in her head than you think.

It's irritating, and somewhat inappropriate, that an adult(ex MIL) would tell a child that she needs therapy, but if you take that factor out of it, your daughter is asking you for help because she thinks she needs it.

Be proud that you have such a great relationship with your 8 year old daughter that she will apologize for acting innapropriately and feels comfortable enough with you to ask for counseling/therapy. If you don't seek therapy for her, she may take it as a sign that you don't take her or her opinions/feelings seriously. The seed may have been planted by you ex-MIL, but your daughter thinks it's her idea, and her thoughts and feelings needs to be validated.

Let her try it and if the therapist/counselor says she doesn't need it, then go with that. but at least you will let her know that when she comes to you with something that is scaring her, you will pay attention to her and take her seriously. Even if what she is going through is 'normal' it may be difficult for her to handle, and she may want some help with it.

This one struck a chord with me. I started asking for help at age 8 and my parents told me all I needed to do was ask Jesus into my heart and everything would be okay.
Fast forward to age 14...started skipping school, lost my virginity, and was drinking. THEN my parents finally sent me to a counselor.

I just read that you made an appointment with someone. That is GREAT. She was definatley asking you for help, and you, in return, responded with empathy and concern. The fact that you validated her will go very far. GOOD MOMMY!!! :)

It is hard seeing our little ones in any kind of pain, isn't it? May I recommend a book? It's called "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber. You can get it on Amazon.com pretty cheap. It is an easy read and will improve your relationship and communication with your dd immensely. Good luck!

Hi N.,
Perhaps your daughter is sharing a lot more with your ex-MIL than she is with you.
I don't see the harm in taking her to a psychiatrist to be evaluated. At least you would have a diagnosis on paper in front of you. Even if she is exhibiting typical 8 year old behavior....no harm done.
I think it is well worth-it. I would schedule an appt. with her.
Also, she is specifically asking to go see a counsellor. It would show a great respect for her on your part to follow thru with her wishes.
All the best,
L.

I have two girls that are 16 & 18 yrs now. And I got divorced when they were 3 & 5yrs. And I really wish I had been able to have them get therapy, because now they are dealing with things that are from the past, and it's harder for them now that they are older. It's harder for them to be open about how they feel. You should feel happy that your daughter feels the need to talk to someone about things that are happening in her life.Therapy won't hurt anyone. You really need to make sure that you listen to what she is telling you and ask why she feels she needs a therapy, let her know your here for her.Hope things work out for the best.

If the child is asking to see a counselor to deal with feelings she's having, she is saying she feels she needs help with her feelings. Even if your relative has been suggesting it, I'm not sure I would discount it. They are probably "normal" feelings in the sense that all children go through things sometimes, but some children feel them more intensely than others, or worry more about them, or can't shrug them off the way others do. My older daughter was like that. She felt things more strongly than others and worried more. A few months with a counselor (while she was in elementary school) and she gained coping mechanisms and a way to deal with her feelings and now she is in college and well-adjusted (by the way, she was gifted and a great student and talented too, but that really has little to do with feelings). Another plus side of counseling is they learn early to be self-aware and to take care of issues before they become huge. I sense that you are really resisting getting a counselor because you feel that it means something is "wrong" with your child. Nothing could be further from the truth. What could be the harm? If there truly is nothing serious here, she'll figure that out quickly in counseling.

HI N.,

I feel that you and your ex mother in law need to sit down and talk about each other's concerns. There is family mediation if you two can not be civil to each other.

Once you two can come to terms with your differences, I feel that your daughter's emotional roller coaster will end.

Good luck. all the best. D.

I have to agree with you that this is hormonal. One of my older daughters started about 8. She is now 12 and moodier than ever...lol! If you have an open relationship with your daughter everything will be fine. My daughter comes to me daily with her "problems" and we just work them out together. Welcome to the tween years :-)

talk to the teacher and guidance counselors and see if they see any problems first.

Anything new the past few months? you or your ex?

Instead of assuming it is just your ex-law speaking through your child, why don't you ask your daughter what kind of feelings? If she has a "monster" lurking inside that she's keeping under wraps, she may feel emotionally overwhelmed and she may need some help. Most kids don't just ask to go to counseling.

Why don't you start by talking to the counselor at school? Perhaps he/she could run some intervention, spend some time with your daughter, and let you know if s/he thinks she needs professional help unloading and dealing with some of it. Also, there are sometimes support group type things going on after school that might target the stuff she's dealing with --- and that would be a whole lot cheaper and probably more fun for her than jumping into therapy right away.

But I do think it's key that when she suggests that she needs help with the stuff inside her, you ASK her what kind of stuff. Really listen to her, and probe by trying to re-stating what you think you are hearing, to be sure you're getting it, then ask more questions . . . give her the opportunity to share what's inside.

Sometimes life is overwhelming. she's a smart kid, and she's obviously able to cover up anything that's bothering her, but the cover up is only good for so long. And I'm not saying she needs counseling -- I'm saying she may think she does, but there may be other alternatives more appropriate to what's going on. But you do need to know what's going on and respond appropriately.

If you are involved in a church, your pastor may also be a good resource person, depending on his or her skillsets. Pastors get some counseling training, but not generally a ton, so what they know is often honed in experience dealing with people, but in dealing with people, they also tend to know what counselors they would recommend and whom they would not recommend.

An on a cautionary note, if your child thinks she really needs help, then please do something, don't just pass on it. At the very least, she needs to feel her needs are being heard. At the very worst end of things, if there's something big going on inside that she's covering up to protect her mom, then you want that "BIG" thing unpacked and defused so she can get past it and move into her teen years with the skills to cope with life. You don't want to wait until she truly can't handle living any more.

Good luck. I highly recommend the active listening thing. More than any other, because I think that sometimes the best help lies in sharing our struggles with the ones we love. If you can dig in there yourself, by listening, and encouraging her to share, then maybe that will help to solve the problem right then and there, and if not, at least you'll have a better idea of what you're dealing with.

It's hard when you have what I would call "an outsider" (gramma or not) telling your child things they shouldn't. I would suggest getting your daughter some books about what her body is going through, even some videos, so she understands that she's normal. At the end of the day, if you have to take her to a counselor to prove to her that she's a normal child, you may have to do that. I would certainly tell Gramma not to talk to her about such things, and to have your daughter ignore Gramma's comments since she's no expert. Some gifted children will tend to be more emotional as well since their minds work different than others her age. But from what you wrote, she sounds better than some kids I've known! LOL She actually apologized for an out burst, which doesn't happen very often unless we beat them over the head with a broom and force them too! LOL

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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I would have to say my biggest problem would be your ex-husband's mother-in-law making these suggestions right to your daughter instead of talking to you or your ex-husband. Parents should make those decisions. With that being said, I definitely agree with the school counselor route. That's what they are trained for. This way your daughter feels her requests are being taken seriously and the counselor can help decide if help needs to go beyond that. Otherwise, your daughter might just like that unbiased party to talk to. Growing pains are tough! Just keep communicating with her.
Good luck!

I would ask your pediatrician to recommend a psychologist that specializes in children. I would think I competent, licensed psychologist would be able to assess your daughter and, if her emotions/behavior are normal, will tell you and her that. It will make her feel better to know that she's normal and it will be a good life lesson that there's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Too many people suffer with mental illness because they will not seek help, often with tragic results. I'm not saying your daughter has a mental illness, but this is a good opportunity to teach her that seeking help when you need it is OK. Best of luck

As a former teacher of 8-year-olds, I think it would be a good idea to talk to the teacher to see how your daughter acts at school. Your daughter's teacher can direct you to the guidance counselor at school if you want, and he/she can sit down with your daughter and just talk it out. Often guidance counselors have books they can share about kids with similar issues going on. Gives the child something to relate to. Like someone else said, it may make her feel like she's getting the "therapy" without going to a psychiatrist. Ideally, I would talk to my daughter first and ask her to explain to me what is going on inside her, and just listen. Maybe you can tell her about what it was like for you when you were a girl. I think sometimes kids think their parents were never kids! Best wishes in whatever you decide.

My thoughts after talking to my Master's Degreed counselor husband:

His thoughts were that she is asking you for help. If you don't help her she will have to turn elsewhere. Eventually that could be drugs, promiscuity, bad grades, cutting classes, whatever she needs to do to find someone who will "understand her" "love her" and "help her" when she needs it. He's seen children in similar situations turn into cutters. Become anorexic. Do anything they can to get some control in their own lives.

My initial responce:
I guess I'm a little surprised by how upset and adamant you seem that your daughter should not see a counselor! WE all need someone safe to share with. She can't share with you because maybe you'll take it out of proportion or yell at Dad. She can't tell Dad because he could do the same. She doesn't have mature friends to help her work through the situation.

Who does she have? Where is her safety? Who can she turn to just to talk and know that they'll listen? And accept her without being upset by what she says.

Don't think of it as therapy, think of it as giving her one more tool to get through life that is already hard. She is doing well in school and fairly well at home but it doesn't mean she isn't a mess inside.

If you decide to take her don't sound critical about it. Counseling and therapy isn't just for people who are sick. IT is for widows. It is for women who have lost children. Men who have been shot in war. Children who have lost their parents and their entire way of life. And that is what divorce does.

Divorce may have been best for everyone involved but she is just a child and needs someone to help her deal with it.

Good Luck,
N.

I understand you feel she's fine. It does sound like normal girl behaviour at that age. However, I'm all for the counseling. It will help her understand how she's feeling in a non judgemental arena. NOt that you are doing anything wrong but it takes a village to raise a child. My 9 year old boy is in counseling, he struggled with adjusting to school. Though some days I might feel it's a waste, we only go 1X/month, I do see it rollover into our life here at home. He's learning coping skills and I have seen a huge level of maturity in how he deals with things that are way beyond his years. We all have our quirks, but I have seen it a valuable asset in raising him. He started late in his 8th year, and he is a 40 year old trapped in a 9 year old body. He just doesn't have the lifes experience to understand how he is feeling. Like your daughter he naturally exhibits a level of maturity beyond his years. This is helping merge the two. I say go for it.

I agree with what another Mom said. Maybe try a school counselor? That way you are giving into her request of seeking someone "professional" to talk to, but maybe not to the extreme of a full-blown psychiatrist/therapist. If the school counselor suggests or finds out there are more pressing issues that need to be dealt with, then go the psychiatrist/therapist route. I am a little hesitant that an 8 year old is that "aware" of seeking help, and have a feeling that your ex-MIL put these notions in her head. But on the off chance that she really does understand something is wrong and needs to talk, you certainly don't want to blow it off as nothing...for the sake of saving the AWESOME relationship you currently have with her. (May I just say, that I am in awe of your relationship with your daughter. I can only hope that I can have the same with my daughters!)

Good luck to you and your daughter. You will figure things out together. =)

N.,

My daughter is 8 and will not be 9 until November. I learned quite a bit from our Well Care appt. in November. Puberty begins at age 8. The American Girl has a handbook called The Caring and Keeping of You. This book is very informative and can be found at most book stores. Your daughter is probably beginning puberty and she will be on emotional overload because everything as she knew it is changing.

Be patient, be understanding, be open to listen to her fears. Maybe it is time to have the birds and bees talk. Maybe you should tell her what a woman goes through every month and how everything is normal.

There are many days where my daughter is very emotional and wears her heart on her sleeve. She gets so angry at the stupidest things and then there are days that she is just my sweet little girl.

Hang in there and if you really want help from an outside source contact your pediatrician. The Doctor will evaluate your daughter and tell you if she is in Tanner Stage 1-5. These are the stages of puberty and are explained in the book that I mentioned.

Wish you the best of luck.

A. C. - Hanover, PA

I’m probably going to get jumped for this, but…

What does an 8-year-old need ‘counseling’ about?

Has she ever been abused in any way, shape or form?

Is she neglected, unwanted, or does she feel unimportant?

Is she unloved?

If you answered no to these, then why ‘counseling’?

Counseling is for problems.

I can’t even imagine THINKING that I, or anyone else I grew up with, needed COUNSELING at the age of EIGHT.

Perhaps it’s a footnote in the chronicles of the times we live in where pre-teens are so brainwashed as to think they need psychological help with being a KID.

By all means TALK to your child, but this should be the FIRST step, before paid counseling.

If you have an eight year old who can’t talk to you about what’s wrong, then what is it going to be like when they are sixteen?

If your child doesn’t feel confident enough to talk to you, then you need to nurture that within her and win her trust that she can talk to you about anything.

If your gut instinct is that she does not need outside help, then you are most likely correct.

Parenting is a parent’s job. It most definitely does NOT take a village. Keep the paid counselor on the sidelines, and be a mommy first. Talk to her. Reassure her how much she is loved, and tell her that she can tell you anything, at any time. Be her confidant and mentor. She’ll love you and thank you for it later.

Sometimes we all need a little help in our daily lives. Have a best friend, a mom, a somebody to chat with? Well, when you're eight you aren't old enough to have those best friends to vent your feelings to. Also, you're trying to figure it all out too. If she's been around people (like your ex-husband's MIL) that have mentioned counseling, she obviously has it in her head already that this may be someone to talk to. It wouldn't hurt to have her go to see a counselor to get some of her emotions out to someone who isn't mom, a teacher or a friend. We had some behavior problems with my son at this age, and mind me he's a *great* kid. We went to a counselor two or three times and it worked itself out. If it's a stage, no big deal, but you'd rather deal with little issues now to head off some of that really emotional teenage behavior. It also may help you get some tools to help head off or deal with it.

sometimes kids just need someone out side the family to talk to. There is nothing wrong with it and if she is asking for it and you can aford it or if your insurence will cover it let her do it what can it hurt...

My son saw a counselor for about a year (when he was 10) and it was the best thing we ever did...for him...for our family...for our marriage. The counselor was able to help him worth through some issues, give him some strategies for difficult areas. Also, it seemed I could say something until I was blue in the face, but if the counselor suggested it, he would try it. Check with your insurance. Ours paid for all but a minimal co-pay. I could give you the name of our most excellent counselor in Hershey if you're interested.

Good luck.

My son will be 8 in April, and he just started the Gifted Program at his school. He is a very smart child, but difficult to raise sometimes. He cries over things as simple as telling him he can't go to his friend's house that day, or that he can't have anymore candy. When he started the Gifted program a few weeks ago I got a book about gifted children, and it's very enlightening. You may want to look into a book about gifted children too, because from what I've read, it's harder to be a girl and gifted. They feel like they have to try harder to suppress their mental gifts so they can fit in better with their age peers. My son likes to be different, so he doesn't care that he's the only one in his class (and only the 3rd 2nd grader to be in the gifted program). But gifted kids can be very sensitive and emotional, it's part of their personalities. Their brains are constantly going and thinking, so they get burnt out sometimes and have melt downs. The book really helped to explain some behavior, such as talking in class, etc. If your daughter thinks she needs counseling, I like the idea of the school counselor for now. I believe everyone can benefit from having someone "safe" to talk to.

If i were you, i would check with the school and see if the counselor there is able to work with her. I don't see any problem with letting them know ahead of time that you do really feel her feeling are in the normal range but that you care about your daughter and want her to have as many resources as possible to help her navigate the teen years. LIke someone else said, is it going to hurt her, no. If she doesn't need it, then the counselors will tell you that and it takes the pressure off of you, you'll be right and have professional proof.

In my own experience my parents divorce was devestating, they did everything right and never faught in front of us or bad mouthed each other,there was no manipulation. i was a good kid and never caused trouble and i'm a successful intelligent functioning adult now with out having had counseling, But looking back I can see so many ways that just talking with someone about my feelings would have made my life so much easier. I say give your daughter what she is asking for. Just because it was your xmil's idea doesn't mean it's a bad one or that it implies that you are a bad mother.
I wish you and your daughter the best.

How unusual that your daughter asks for a therapist! I really don't see anything wrong with it, especially if you can afford it. Kids used to have older cousins, cool aunts and grandmas to talk to. Now they are completely isolated from the warmth and support and a trusted "shoulder to cry on" that an extended family used to provide. At eight years old, things will only get a lot more complicated. As she gets into the really crazy years of 13, 14, 15, you'll be glad to have another adult to shed some light on all that she will be struggling to understand.
Good luck,
N

Hi N.. Wow, you have been divorced all most all your daughters life and your exMIL thinks she need counseling? Gee...UCK!! I am the mother of three girls, 17, 15, & 12 yrs old and 8 was the magic number for them to become "homone-ridden heathens". In 2009 it is normal (you can confirm this with your doctor) that girls start on the merry-go-round of emotions & emotional outbursts around the age of 8 or 9 even if they don't get their first peroid until they are 12 to 14. Quite simply kids are growing up and hitting puberty with a vengence earlier than ever before. Having said that, I would say your daughter is normal...but the seed has been planted that she may have "issues" so it may be in your best intrest to find a good counseler and schedule a session or two (with you) just to re-assure your daughter that she is NORMAL, and going through what every other girl goes through...even the ones (like mine) that have parents that are/have been together "forever". You may even re-assure her with a talk with her Doctor! Hang in there, the fun is just beginning, the most important thing is to keep talking to her...and tell your ex-MIL to keep her opinions confined to private conversations between ADULTS. Best wishes.