41/2 Daugther Asking About Father, Never Had a Relationship with Him

Hi D.G.

Man bond with their children the same way we do, by spending time with them and sharing their lives; being their provider and their protector. That is difficult to do from overseas. Considering how young your daughter was when you moved away it is not surprising the relationship hasn't flourished.

As mom's who love our children, we have to take a proactive role in keeping our children's father's involved. I think this is even true of mom's who are married and living with their children's fathers! Many service men have feelings of being outsiders and not connected to their children when they return from active duty overseas and they have to work hard to maintain that relationship. Like any relationship, you have to put the time in.

I'm not sure what you and your ex's issues were, and I am not suggesting, if he were abusive, that you should have stayed involved with him. I am simply saying that the physical act of being so far away makes it difficult to even form a relationship with a child that young. You really have to work at it.

Even if it is not your responsibility, you should for the sake of your daughter, try to encourage and support her relationship with her dad. This means putting away any anger you might have with him over lack of support, abandonment etc.

I would answer your daughter's question simply and matter of factly. i.e. "You have a dad, he lives ___________. One time mommy and daddy loved each other very much and we made you. Grown up lives are sometimes very complicated and mommy and daddy couldn't live together anymore. It is difficult for daddy to see you when we live so far away, but we can try and write him a letter." Finish this converstion on a positive note by saying how lucky you are to have each other and to have met this new man who likes her very much.

Children want to feel safe and secure, they don't care or understand about the issues that you and your ex have experienced. By being positive and matter of fact, you will provide that feeling of safety and security. If your daughter really doesn't even have much memory of your ex, she is not experiencing serious grief she is simply trying to figure out where she fits in in this world and your honest and nonjudgemental answer will be her best chance at processing this information and giving it the proper place in her emotional life. God bless and best wishes.

J. L.

This is so hard. I feel for you.
The only advice I have to give is that children, though smart, and have a great sense of intuition at a young age, are very vulnerable and NEED to feel loved.
I would in NO way make your daughter think that her father does not love her, care about her, or want to see her. You could certainly say that he loves her in his own way, but has problems of his own that prevents him from being in her life the way he should be. Keep it simple.

Rejection is hard on all us - regardless of age, but even more so as a young child. I would tell her only what she needs to know in a way that would not make her feel rejected.
You could also get advice from a counselor.
My prayers go out to you and your little one!
Good luck.

I have been seperated from my husband since my son was 3 yrs old. He is active in his life now but in the begining he would not call or come see him for holidays or birthdays. My son would make he same comment that his Dad didn't love him. I had a long talk with his dad and explained to him that just because we are no together sodesn't mean that he shouldn't have a relationship with his son. I left things very open allowing him to see him when he wants and allowing my son to call his dad when he wants. I think my willingness to allow him to see his son and not force him to be active or not to be active in his child's life brought him around. Now they have a strong relationship. He calls him every day and My son spends all this school vactions and holidays with his dad since we are not close enough for him to have a regular visitation schedule. Try talking to her dad and leave the door open for him to be active in her life and see what happens. Above all reassure her that she is loved and that she is not the cause of her dad being absent but that her dad has somethings that he needs to work out.

my youngest daughter is 17 now, but her father was never a part of her life. She asked about him for years, and wanted to know why she didn't have a father. I gave her pictures of him, and told her he just wasn't ready to be a Dad, that maybe when she was older she could see him. I got married when she was 8 and managed to contact him, he signed away his parental rights, and my husband adopted her. She was ecstatic, but even now she occasionally mentions bio father.

Always keep in mind that no matter how you feel about her father ..he is in fact her father. Tell her what ever she wants to know. Never tell her any thing negative, the one mistake I did. Always let her form her own judgements of him. Its not up to you to slam him. It sounds like he is doing that all by him self.

But she has the right to know where he is and who he is..the rest of it is up to the both of them, as she gets older she will make her own decissions. He sounds very imature ..but you being out of the country does not help the cause at all. Its difficult for most People to travel. You should have a serious talk with the father and tell him what is going on, and get a feel of how he will handle it. The worst mistake two parents can make is using their child as a ping pong ball, or a pawn between them. It only messes up the childs mind and feelings. So be careful with that ..

And good luck. Things always have a way of working themselves out if we only let them.

I think Janine laid it out as well as could be said. I am the product of such a situation, where my mother moved and moved and my father eventually fell out of the picture. I am now struggling to keep my daughter's father in her life and put in more effort than most think I should (see my recent post, Are Father's Dispensable), but I refuse to be the one to make that final decision to remove him from her life. I am also in a strong, long-term relationship with a man who had his son taken from him, simply because it was easier for the mom when they split. He has had to struggle to get back in his life, because the mom made it so difficult. I lay all this out to say, in our culture, more and more, women get to determine the terms of a father's relationship with their kids. And I think we need to work harder to help keep fathers involved. I don't know many men who would persist across great distances and over great barriers to try to salvage a relationship with a child that the mother is not supporting. My boyfriend has laid out the psychology of this situation and while men have the means to stay involved, they often feel pushed away and so give up. Distance and new boyfriends are the number one deterrents.

My mother claimed that I could call my father any time. She did not send him pictures, or updates or try to bridge our gap. She left the initiative to me. And by the time she offered that I could call him, I had a live-in step-dad and received very clear vibes that he was my dad and I felt strongly that to reach out to my bio dad would cause great rifts in the family. At 8, 10, 13 years old, I was scared to take that chance. I did not get to meet my dad until I was 17 and still we struggle to find comfort with each other. We still act like strangers some times and it is incredibly sad. He was never a threat to me, just an inconvenience to my mom. We both feel the burden of such a great distance between us.

So with all this, my advice is, if your daughter's father is a man who poses her no harm, reach out to him, send him some photos, have your daughter draw him a picture, and reconnect. Even if they can only talk on the phone, it will help build her faith in him. Hopefully, he will respond positively. My greatest fear was that my father did not love me. It did not have a good effect on me. The effort you could put in now for your daughter could be a great gift for her.

We all need to remember, that the pains we suffer with our exes are not the experience of our children, nor should they ever be. We must separate those feelings and recognize that our children's fathers are their fathers, and we cannot change that no matter how inconvenient. And in the end, our children will hold us (mothers and fathers) responsible for the relationships they were allowed to build. I don't think I have yet forgiven my mother for making it so difficult for my father. She sat back and waiting for him to come to her, while she moved to town after town.

Best of luck to you and I hope your daughter and her father are able to build a relationship back. It will be a gift to you as well to watch her grow up knowing who she is and where she comes from.

Blessings,
~Liza
30 yo, full-time working mom to 4.5 year old girl.

Hi D G,
I would explain the situation to your daughter. She seems like a very bright/intuitive 4 1/2 year old, much like my 5 1/2 year old who does have a relationship with her father, however he is not the man she hopes/wishes he would be. We are no longer together and I have since married and had another child. It's so tough because you must feel pain however you can never portray that to your daughter. I would tell her about her dad, where he lives, his name, what he looks like and also give her the option if she would like to contact her dad. If he doesn't want anything to do with her, that is very sad, however it may be for the best but giving her that option is essential to her growth. Also as hard as it may be, never speak negatively about her father to her or around her. Just let her know that he doesn't live very close but that she can call him if she would like. He may not answer, speak to her, or call back but at least she will know that she tried and reached out. I wish you the best of luck, it's tough, believe me, I know, however if he is the man you are saying he is, she'll surely figure that out on her own, but give her options so there isn't any resentment towards you in the future.
Good luck,
J.

My son's dad has not seen him in 7 years. He used to ask why he didn't like him. I would tell him that sometime people make choices that we don't agree with or understand. I would assure him that he did nothing wrong to keep his father away. And I would tell him the truth, I have no idea why he is not in your life...he doesn't know what he's missing. Above all, I would get him to focus on the positive. Every time he would be upset about what he didn't have, I would make him tell me what he does have...this worked starting at age 4! It was a daily occurrence for a very long time. He's now 11 and still gets angry and doesn't understand, but doesn't give his "father" the time of day, instead he focuses on the people who give him the time and love he needs and deserves. He knows his dad is the one missing out. He also knows that he will never understand why...

Good luck!

I see that you have gotten alot of responces here and some of them got me quite upset. I have a 8 year old (step)son who's mother has not been in his life since he was 5 years old. She saw him very little under the age of 5. Here is my story:
My sons BOI mom left him with my husband when he was 6 weeks old because she couldn't handle it. They had split up before she even knew she was preg. Any way I have been in his life since he was 9 months old. When he was about 4 he started asking ?'s about her and we did not know how to answer them.I spoke to a counsler and she told me to NEVER tell him that she loved him but that she does care about him. She said if you tell him that she loves him he will think that that leaving someone is what love is and he will be scared for the day when we leave! She also told me to NEVER tell him what their (my husband and Bio) problems were because he will try to figure out of he could fix something. My son is a very deep thinker and sometimes it scares me with the ?'s that he asks.
He is now 8 and has not seen her for 3 years. She has NEVER sent a card, given child support or gifts on holidays his whole life and he remembers. We see a counsler every month so he can just air things out and I cannot believe that he remembers things back from 3 years old!!
You need to be very careful how you word things to her. she sounds like she is also a deep thinker for her age like my son.I know that my situtation is a little different because it is a mother not a father but it still is a parent. I could go on and on, but if you need anything please ask. I have been going to a counsler for about 3 years to try to make sure I word things correctly for him and pay close attention to his behavior and he has been going to one for 1 1/2 years.
N.
____@____.com

I have to say that I am looking forward to the responses you will get. I am a single mother of an 18 mo little girl who has never had a relationship with her father and its very unfortunate. I wish they did. But this was his choice. I plan to explain to her that families are different. Some have moms and dads, some only have 1 parent and so forth. I also plan to tell her I love her and one day (like your daughter) she will be fortunate enough to have someone in our lives that will love her more than her real dad ever could. I would explain that some dads arent ready to have babies yet and that doesnt mean they dont love them but that they have to learn to be adults before they can be dads.

I know that no matter what I say she will compare us to families that "have" dads but nevertheless - she will understand how fortunate she really is and will never suffer anything because she doesnt have a real "dad".

Good luck and choose your words wisely because in the event he should decide to be around again - I personally would never want to say negative things about him to her. I have a mother who always put my father down, embarassed him in front of me and it did nothing but make me closer to him. Dont get me wrong - she isnt a bad parent .... just a bitter divorce.... and I would neevr want to have my daughter react the way I did. When she grows - she will understand the reality of the situation and will learn to accept it for what it is.... until then its your job to be honest with her without being mean about him (not that I am saying you would... but you know.... some ppl will).