Okay, If I Did Tell Her...

I have the same situation with my son. He started asking questions when I had my daughter. That was around age 4. He has never met his real father and knew that my hubby wasn't around when he was a baby, but has been the only father he knows. I think that it is best to answer their questions as they arise. They are smart, but they can only comprehend so much at their age. Let her come to you. My son wanted to know his fathers name and where he was. I explained to him that we were young and his father wasn't ready to be a father. I told him that I made a choice to love him twice as much. He was okay with that. He still thinks of new questions, and we take them one day at a time.
Hope that helps.

you should tell the truth and not let her find out and resent you for not being honest later. My daughter now 15 grew up knowing her biological Dad was not able to care for a family and did the right thing by stepping away. I never put him down to her and she accepts the situation. about a month ago we had a conversation about her Dad she wanted to know all about him I told her the good and bad. And she is ok with it she also said she is glad to have always known the truth.

Hi K., I am in the same position you are. My daughter will be 4 in a couple of weeks. Her "birthdad" hasn't ever been a part of her life and my husband has been her "dad" since she was 4 months old. Some advice I was given was to explain that there is the dad that "made you" and the dad that loves you and is your true dad. She also suggested that 4 is a really good age to do it. My husband and I will be having that conversation with her soon I think and even though I am kind of dreading it, I don't feel like it will change the way that she feels about the only dad she has ever known. Good luck with it and I think the important thing is to let her know that she is loved and that it doesn't change the way your fiancee feels about her.

She is far too young to be told at this age. You need to wait until she is older. I don't see why she even has to see her "biodad". That is only going to confuse her. Does he have rights to see her. If he does, they should be terminated. Was not seeing her his choice? Did he pay child support?
Telling her now would only confuse and hurt. She is 4 years old and would not understand. Don't tell her. Hope this helps. I disagree with what everyone else says. She is 4. Why shatter the world she has known? What if her biodad leaves again? Then what? Tell her when she is older. Not now.

A little about me: I am 33 y/o and a SAHM of 2 girls, 4 and 16 months. we are expecting our 3rd this spring. I also have a bachelors degree in nursing, where I worked with the pediatric population. I love staying at home with my girls!

Tell her that her Bio dad is the dad who helped her get in your belly and that he wants to spend time w/ her. Nothing less, or more. Her daddy will alwys be the daddy and have her call her bio dad by his 1st name. He was absent for 4 years, he lost the right to be called daddy, really. Tell the bio dad this and that he needs to respect the fact that in your daughters opinion, she has a daddy and not to confuse her. If he cant respect this, he may not need to be in her life.

Hi my name is M.,
I have a 3 year old daughter and got together with the man she now calls dad when she was 14 months old. She has never known anyone else as her father and does not know any thing else. With my daughter I do not want her to have anything to do with her bio-dad. His family is not responsible and he will not be a good influence in her life. For this reason I have told my fiancé (who she knows as her dad) that if he wants to get married he will need to adopt my daughter because we come as a package. He gladly agreed and her bio-dad said fine because than he does not have to pay child support.

I will not hide the fact that she is adopted however I feel no reason to tell her constantly at this age. To hide something like this is an injustice to your daughter, she may someday want to know the man and family who is her "biological" family, but just like any other adopted child if you let her know she is loved and she has always been cared for than the man who has been her father will always be her dad.

My daughters biological father has nothing to do with her. He does pay a very minimal child support but does not see her. I do not want him to see her. Coming from a divorced family I can only say that if you are not 100% sure your daughters bio-father will be the best dad possible than keep him out of her life.

However if he is a good man and will be good to your child than having a circle of love increase with another dad and more grandparents and aunts and uncles will not hurt her. However as a mother you must use your instincts and common-sense here to protect your baby.

I know its such a hard decision. Being a parent is to be filled with constant guilt about every decision you make. The only thing you need to remember is as her mother your job is to protect her. That means sometimes making choices she or others may not always like, but you know is in her best interest. You have been a mom for 4 years of life and a year of pregnancy now, you have been there through colds and long nights and missing out on your own childhood to love her through hers. This is one more hard decision you can make!!

I just wanted to share my story with you. You can take it anyway you would like. But here it is.....
I have a bio-dad and my "real" dad. I am now into my 30's, but back when I was a kid, I didn't know any of this until I was 7 years old. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. My parents sat me down and told me that they had to tell me something. I was sitting on my "real" dad's lap. my mother told me that he was not my "real" dad. That my real dad was so and so and he lived in Colorado. He had a family, etc. She tried to tell me about him, but I didn't want to listen. I strated crying and said that is so mean to tell me a joke like that. I ran out crying, beacause to me, I didn't want another father. I loved my dad, he raised me since I was 2 years old. And to find out at 7, that he wasn't my real dad, broke my heart. I had to find out who this guy was, that was my so called bio-dad. It hurt my "real" dad for me to go there, visit and talk with him, to send letters and pictures. But I never forgot my "real" dad, he was there for me, always. and he always will be. My bio-dad is no onger in my life (hasn'r been for many years). My "real" dad is my DAD, my FATHER, and he always will be.
So tell her now, let her find out who he is, let her explore and learn the truth about him, no matter how much it hurts all of you. It will soon pass, and she will never forget who her "real" dad is.
Good Luck
Just tell your fiance to remeber who was there for her and he always will be. Don't have him take a backseat to this bio-dad. he is still her dad, no matter what. He has to still be there for her durring this hard time.
M.

K.,
Thanks for asking this tough question, I my self am in the same boat as you and was reading the responses.
The birth father to my now 5yr old daughter is a total loser. He has denied her since birth, and made up some really bad stories to make him look like a hero and good father. He has not showed up to 2 paterinty tests. (I did) He just started paying child support this year (10.00 a month) I am hoping that he will never show up at my door, so far it sounds like he has no intrest and I have never said anything to my daughter about him. I also have a finacee that she belives is her real father. He wants to adopt her and my older son as well.
BUT- my older son understands everything, and i am scared he will deliver the news to my daughter. I was just thinking about this last night, if and when I should tell her!
Good luck, keep up updated on your choice, it may help alot of people!

Trust me trust me trust me you HAVE to tell her and soon. First of all my mother kicked my father out of my life. He tried so hard for many years and she kept turning him away. My father dieded before I ever got to know him. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for that.
Secondly the same thing happened to me as a mother. I was 18 when I had my son and my ex was 17 years old. He left me alone to raise my son. I met my husband and we started dating. My son thought that my husband was his father because that was all he had ever known. A month before my son's 4th birthday my ex decided he wanted to be a part of my son's life again. It killed me and it still does because he is a jerk. But my son goes to his dad's house every other weekend. Just because I don't like the guy does not give me the right to keep my son from him. You DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT unless there is a chance of SERIOUS harm. And then there are still lots and lots of ways for him to see his child.
I sat my son down one day with his baby book. We went through the pictures and I explained to him who his bio-dad is. I explained that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby. E is the daddy that helps mommy raise you but J is the daddy that helped make you. We started out slowely with visitation. Just a few hours at first and eventually worked up to every other weekend. My ex sometimes takes him for a full week during vacations in school or if they have a vacation set up.
I know it is hard. I know you don't want to upset your child. But trust me. I have been from both sides. I have been the child and the mother. It is best for all if your daughter is given the oppertunity to know her father. If he is a jerk she will see that at some point. She has the right as a humanbeing to know her father and make or break a relationship with him.

This is a tough situation to be in. No one can really tell you what you should do, that is ultimately up to you, but they can share their experiences.
I have personal experience with this. My daddy is not my biological daddy, but he did adopt us. I do not know my father, but that I think is a mutual thing, and there are circumstances surrounding that I do not want to go into right now. However, my mom never hid the fact that he wasn't my biological father. She also did not keep us (my sister and myself) from our paternal grandparents. I think it is important that if your daughter's grandparents want to see her, you should let them (if they aren't already). She will eventually get curious as to why she has three sets of grandparents. That is a good time to explain it to her. But be honest. Tell her what you know, but don't portray her father to be a monster. She may want to meet him, she may not, that should be her decision. It will all work out. If you do not tell her now, she won't resent you. I don't resent my mom. I am glad she waited until I wanted to know. I think I could have been really confused back then.
I wish you the best of luck. If you want to talk more, or have questions, email me at ____@____.com
I may have been a little confusing. It is hard to write all that you want to in these little blocks.

Well K., this is something that has happened in my family a few times. My mother divorced my bio-father before I was a year and by the time I was 2 had found a great guy that I call Dad and always will. My mother didn't tell me until my bio-father was granted visitation by the court when I was 8. I happen to know that if it weren't for the fact that they were trying to get him to pay child support he wouldn't have wanted to see me and to this day (I am 35)I have probably only seen him a dozen times. My sister has 2 children whos bio-fathers have decided not to be in their lives much while they were young. My sister told each of her kids around the age of 4-5 a little about their bio-fathers and she had insecurity issues with both of them. They would ask questions about why their bio-father didn't come to see them and ask why their bio-father didn't Love them. My one niece would sit for hours staring out the front window insisting that her bio-father was coming to visit. My other niece met her bio-father on a day that it was not planned and she and my sister were a bit surprized by it. He introduced himself to her with his name and saying he was her "Dad" and she was very shy for several weeks after that. My other sister had a child in a similar situation too. Her daughter's bio-father wasn't around and she got married when her daughter was 4. The bio-father allowed her husband to adopt her daughter. My niece is now 21 and just met her bio-father and she is able to have a friendship with him now and understand his reasoning a little bit but she always had the security of a Dad without a fear of the bio-father showing up.
So getting to my advice--- if I were you I would first let him fight in court for visitation. It seems harsh but it is my experience that with a parent who has spent that much time absent from their childs life you have to make sure it means something to them or after a visit they will just disappear again which is traumatic for the child. If you don't think he will fight for visitation then don't tell her until she is older when she will understand it better (or maybe not at all) and don't talk to him if you have her around because you don't want her to find out by overhearing it - just avoid him. If later you want to tell her or if he does fight for visitation get some help from a professional (some courts require it). Some counseling for yourself so that you can learn how to tell her with the right words and know what signs to look for that she is dealing with it ok. Some counseling for her too and if the bio-father is reasonable try to get him to go to counseling with you or at least talk with him to make sure he understands the impact the wrong actions or words could have on her. Beware that once you tell her it will change her relationship with your fiance forever no matter how you try not to let it. I Love my Dad with all my heart and we have a great relationship and he has always been there for me but the first year after I found out was difficult as well as my early teen years and my bio-father disappeared for years at a time even after fighting for visitation. I wish I had never known about my bio-father or hadn't been told until my late teen years. I hope some of this helps - Good luck!

My son is 7 and his real father wasent involved untill he was around 4 we just told him he was lucky enough to have to daddys but we never forced him to call anyone daddy we told him it was up to him. At 4 trying to explane the biological part is going to be hard. with my son I just told him I meet my husband after he was born, And left it open for any questions and try to answer honstley at their level

I would have to say tell her the truth very very soon, you do not want her to feel betrayed. Let her ask as many questions as she wants to, when she wants to. I would tell her with your fiancee, not with the bio-dad...this way her confusion will at least be in safe quarters.

Be very, very open.

I never knew my birthfather, and barely knew my birthmother. From the hospital, I went straight to my aunt and uncle. I grew up with them, and was adopted when I was 2 1/2. I knew from Day 1 who my birthmother was, but never really cared, because I'd called my aunt and uncle "mom" and "dad" my whole life.

Your situation is a bit different, though. :/ Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Just sit her down and say that Daddy is still Daddy, but he's not the man that fathered her. Don't use the term "real dad" because she sees your fiance as her real dad, and that will just lead to confusion. Make sure the biological father knows this, too.

Pick a time when you have no commitments so you can all sit down and talk together to answer her questions. The sooner you tell her, the better. She may not understand all the details right now, but it lays the foundation for her to understand as she grows up.

Good luck with this. It's a tough subject, no matter what age your child is. Let us know how it goes. :)

I've been in a similar situation. My daughter was 2 months old when I met my husband and 3 years old when he adopted her. Her bio-dad was only in the picture long enough to sign over his parental rights so the adoption could happen.

All I can tell you is just to be honest with her and make sure that she knows that no matter what, your fiance will always be her daddy and he's not going to go anywhere.

Remember as well, there is no rule that says that a bio-dad that shows up out of the blue after four years gets to be called "Dad" either. You can introduce him by his name, as a friend of the family until you know if she is comfortable with him and whether or not it will last.

God Bless and Good Luck

K.,

When I was 9 years old my Mom told me one day that the man sitting in the living room was not my Dad. I kinda knew it, and I kinda felt that there was something different about me and my Dad. My Mom told me who my Bio-Dad was, and told me that she did not want me to see him until I was 18 because I would not be able to handle who he was. So, anyways.. I finally got to meet my Bio Father, and I only see him if I am lucky once a year, there has been time that I have not see him for 2 to 4 years, and he only lives about an hour from me. Anyways, I remember the day that my told me, even though I had a feeling that something was differnet I was still shocked, as I thought that I was strange for thinking things like that. I think that it would of been better if my Mom would of told me when I was younger. So, I think that since her Bio Dad is in her life now it would be a good idea to let her know the truth now, and let her know that her Real Dad will always be there for you, as the Bio Dad has a good chance that he may not be there for long.

Good Luck and I hope that it works out which ever way you choose to tell her. :)

Well I don't know from experience on your end; but I have a cousin that was adopted and my aunt and uncle told her right away when they knew she'd understand. They answered every question, and there was never a problem. Keep nothing from her and be honest. She will respect and trust you.
My brother and I are from a divorced home and while our biological father kept himself from us my mom told us no matter where he was she was sure that he loved us both very much. He never was a part of our lives, but maybe it helped us from feeling abandoned at least for a while. She went on to marry my step dad and the only dad we've ever known. But in my situation too, honesty and openness was, and still is the key to our relationship.

I would be completely honest with her. I would also be extremely careful that if you introduce her to her bio-dad he actually stays in the picture atleast somewhat.