Son Calls New Husband DAD

When my husband and I were first married, my son called him Dusty-Dad which eventually shortened to just dad, and now that his biological father (sometimes) wants a relationship with him my son calls HIM Jason-Dad. don't know exactly when the switch happened, but there it is :)
Good luck
~J.

Not all bio fathers are dads and not all dads are bio fathers. Likewise, "real dads" aren't always bio fathers.

A "real dad" is one who helps take care of the kiddos, who stays up with them when they're sick, who loves them and treats them with kindness and respect. Just because a guy is a bio father, it does not mean he's a "real dad."

Hello.
My husband is Tom. His 4 kids from his first marriage call me D.. The 3 grandkids (from his kids) call me "Grandma D.."
My older son calls his father "Dad" and calls Tom "Pop." This is extra nice because "Pop" is what Tom called his Dad, and not anything that David EVER calls his dad. Before we were married, David called Tom by his first name. (FYI, we were married when David was in first grade, he's now a senior in college). We found that using a different patronym for dad & step-dad worked very well. I think it creates something new and special for kids & step-dad, but doesn't interfere with bio-dad being "Dad."
My younger son calls Tom "Dad" because he is, but never calls him "Pop" because that's the special name his brother uses.
Good luck!

I've been here. My now 7 y/o daughter began calling dh daddy about a year after we moved in together. I think she did it because that is what her little sister called him, so she didn't want to be different than her. She was about 4 1/2 at the time. When we talk about her bio dad, I refer to him as "your dad" and when it is stepdad that we are talking about, I simply say "daddy." We never really discussed the distinction between the two. In fact, she was in the habbit of calling them both daddy and I didn't know who she was talking about, so I would ask "your dad or daddy?" So now she just automatically says either "my dad or daddy."

My oldest sons were 6 and 8 when I remarried. They have a relationship with there biological father, but I wanted them to feel comfortable calling my dh anything they chose (like you, as long as it was polite). For clarity's sake I called my husband Mark, but on their own they began calling him "dad". They have called him both dad and Mark throughout the years and when they started calling him dad I started referring to their two fathers as Dad-Mark and Dad-Roger. That way I could honor their wishes and save myself the confusion. I will say that after we had three more children of our own, it was nice that they all called him my husband dad - especially for the little ones.

You will find, especially as time goes on, that most of the fathering duties will fall to your husband. He will help with homework, discipline, interview potential dates, take care of them when they are sick. He will be dad in all but one sense of the word. It is great that they want to honor him with the title. And they can do that without taking anything away from their biological father. Just because one of them is dad doesn't mean the other one isn't. It just means your kids are doubly blessed.

Hope this helps.

L.

dad or daddy is just a term of respect. any man can be a father, but, it takes a special man to be a dad. call your new hubby dad to your kids. if for no other reason than respect. the man raising your kids will be more apt to be a good parent with your support rather than your worrying about the ex. your kids have the right idea.

Ask your children what they're comfortable with. Take your cues from them. There is a big difference between a dad and a daddy. My dad was never there for me. Though he wasn't my blood relative, my daddy was and still is there for me. T. M.

I think it would be fine for you to refer to DH as dad. I'm sure you also have pet names suc h as hon, honey etc. that you use when speaking to him, so you could always do that when talking in front of your kids. If the 2 of you have children together, then I'm sure they will be calling him dad. It would be confusing for them if you call their father dad some of the time and by his name at other times. It sounds like your children feel affection for your new husband and want to call him dad. I think they nshould be allowed to do so if they want. I've also heard people refer to their fathers and stepfathers by saying daddy so and so using the first name after daddy. That's another possibility.

Hi, Kari -

Well, I think this is a good problem to have :)! I appreciate the fact that you're so sensitive to this issue and that you're obviously giving your children's bio Dad a lot of respect in the way that you're handling this.

I think it is absolutely beautiful that your children call your new husband "Dad." Obviously, he's earned it, because, from what I hear, children are more pre-set to RESENT the new partner than to accept them, and especially to bestow such an important title on them.

Growing up, I dated a guy whose father had left his mom and 4 children when they were quite young. She'd eventually remarried a man who had 2 troublesome children of his own, yet he selflessly took care of his own 2 plus the new 4, plus their spouses and children when those kids could not manage themselves properly. He did it all on a very low salary and basically worked himself into the ground to be a good Dad and provider. Eventually, the bio Dad came back into the picture. I was always sorry to hear that guy referred to as Dad because he had not really been the Dad in any sense. The step-dad was called by his name.

Anyway, my feeling is, kids should use the name "Dad" for the person who really does the job! And I don't think there's anything wrong with having two Dads. Maybe you can insert the Dad's name into the reference when you make it, to make things clear - like "Daddy John" and "Daddy Mike" or whatever. My Dad has always had a personal pet peeve about my Mom referring to him to me by his name, and he'll always correct her by saying "Dad."

Considering the respect you express for your children's bio father, I would talk to him directly, in advance, and just let him know that the kids have taken to calling your new husband "Dad" of their own accord. You can tell him you've neither encouraged this nor discouraged this but you're just letting the kids do what they feel. I think that it's very healthy for them to have the freedom to develop these relationships in their own way and that there shouldn't be walls of propriety set up to say that they should hold themselves back from loving their Step-Dad to the degree that he invests in and loves them.

I hope your ex will understand and be supportive of the happiness of his kids in this way. It doesn't diminish him - it just underscores that his children are in a place where they feel a lot of love and comfort, and he should feel very thankful for that.

I hope this helps in some way!

H.

If your kids are comfortable calling him dad and he is o.k. with it then let them do so. You can address him as their father if you want to. Their biological dad wont like it, but it there is nothing wrong with it. Just let them know that when they are talking about their step dad to their dad they should probably address him as step dad or by his name. My parents divorced when I was nine and my mom remarried when I was 10. It took me a couple of years, but I eventually started calling my stepdad dad. If I talk to my biological father though I refer to my stepdad by his name. Just be sure that you stress the fact that the stepdad is not going to try to replace their father. Even my mom refers to my step dad as my dad to me. For a long time she would refer to him by name when talking to me about him, but now it's dad. He was the one who was always there for me and supported me.

D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

As long as your dh doesn't mind, I think it's fine that he is called 'Dad' by your kids. If you're concerned about what to call him in front of your kids, ask them. Find out what makes them most comfortable. Work out something so that it is clear who is being referred to (their biological dad or your husband). I would also consider talking to their father about it. He deserves to be informed and included in decisions like this. It would be different if he had no involvement at all. Each family is different, so do what's best for your family. Just find out how your kids feel about it and go from there.

God bless,
A.

This is a bit late but wanted to share. My son was almost 2 when I got together with my current husband (currently divorcing....but that is another story)and he has always called him dad. His biological father always takes him for his every other weekend but his stepfather was at most of his games and such. When speaking to my son (who is now almost 16) I always refered to his dad as daddy Steve and his stepdad as daddy Bill. This worked out great for us. I never pushed my son to call him anything other than what he wanted to and made it clear to all involved that it was his choice and no one elses. It would be helpful if their biological father and you could sit down with them and tell them it is their choice and both of you will respect their choice regardless of hurt feelings. Just be careful because kids have a way of drivng a wedge between families. I pray that their father can respect your husbands part in his kids' lives. It sounds like your kids may feel guilty about calling your husband dad....it would be worth investigating why they switch back and forth. God Bless!

I come from a "blended" family and my sister always called our mother "mom" or "mommy" and her birth mother was her "mother". In our family the difference was in what each woman meant to my sister. She hardly knew her mother and our mom was the one who was always there for her, lover her, held her, played with her.

Anyone can be a father or mother, but it's what you do that makes you a daddy or a mommy.

It might help to clarify this with your older children. Talk to them and make sure they understand the difference. Once they understand you can call your husband "dad" or "daddy" in front of them and their birth father "father". Also in this talk you can talk to them about being respectful of their father and being careful about what they call your husband. I think once the older children understand and start to settle into a pattern the younger ones will follow naturally.

Also you might want to have a talk with your husband, maybe you can get him to understand the difference as well. If it goes smoothly that would be great.

Good luck!

I almost was in that situation, but it didn't work out. I do have friends in that situation and they handle it this way: She calls her husband by his first name even in front of the kids. They have had no problems thus far with it. A couple times she has slipped and said," Your Dad". this presented a confused look from the kids. For the most part it has worked out that way. That way she distinguishes between their stepdad and their real dad. My Mother always said that most men can be Fathers, but it takes someone special to be a Dad. Sounds like your new husband is a better "DAD" than their real one. Good luck. Hope this helps.

I wouldn't force them to call your DH by either name. Let them call the shots. If it's dad one day and first name the next, go with it. For the time being, maybe you could just say your DH's first name when talking to them... and as time goes by, if they continue to call him dad and it is more frequent, then you could change over to calling him dad.

Being a dad is not just about biological factors. It seems like your new DH is being a father figure to them, which is great! I'm happy for you and your family :)

Kari,

Relax! Although he may be their biological father, your X has no actual control over what your kids say in the comfort of your own home. What is really the problem with your kids addressing both the man who sired them and the man who is raising them as DAD? They have 2 fathers, so why not call them as their role? Really not a problem. And, when you refer to him to the children, calling him Dad is much more loving than referring to him by his only first name.

Best wishes,
K.

In our house we had the same problem with my stepdaughter. We came up with a special name that only she calls me. It has worked out well.

I have not read any of the other responses but, I can tell you what my experience has been.

My son was 1 when I started dating my DH. We married when my son was 3. Between those years, my son could not pronounce DJ (My DH name) and said "DD". I did not correct him. A few months later, he was telling me a story and said something about "Daddy". I did not hear him at that point and so I asked, "Who?" He said "Daddy Mike", his biological father's name. He then began referring to them each as "Daddy Mike" and "Daddy DD". His biological father was NOT happy, to say the least and instructed my son that he had ONLY ONE Daddy and that that was him!!!! My son did not say anything to me about it but, I found out what happened from his biological father. My son did not bring up the subject until several days later and asked what he was to call each of them. I told him that he could call each of them whatever he felt comfortable calling them. I explained that he was lucky enough to have two "daddies" that really loved him and no matter what he called either of them, they would not love him any less and that both would ALWAYS love him. Well, when my son was 3, his biological father passed away. My DH adopted him a couple of months later, and the references to "Daddy Mike" have decreased as time as gone on. My son still has pictures of he and his biological father together and I will always keep it that way. I know that this is not the same situation that you are in but, I found that I just followed my son's lead. What he called his biological father, that is the name that I used as well. What he called my DH, I used that name as well.

In my opinion, you and your children are lucky to have (I am guessing) a good influence from two "Dads" in their lives. What they decide to call each of them, is really up to the child. Their love for each is not dependent upon what "title" they give each of them. Hopefully, both fathers can understand and accept that. If not, it's really the adult's fault, not the child's.

I don't know if this helped or not but, thought that I would share my experience and thoughts on the subject!

Good luck!

Hi Kari,
I can some what relate. I have 3 girls. 2 from a previous relationship and one from the relationship now. We've been together for 5 1/2yrs. And only one of my girls started calling their step dad, dad since she was 5yrs. old. But my oldest never started calling him dad, until our little one was born. (they're 12yrs., 10yrs. and 2yrs.) And not that he's ever minded what they called him, just as long as they respect him. My 2 older girls' don't see or hear from their real dad, so I think it makes it much easier. And when I heard my middle child call him dad for the first time, I too wanted to correct her. I didn't feel that it was right. But when she explained to me that she loves him like a dad and that's her dad to her. The two older ones dad left when they were 3yrs. and 1yrs. of age. And hardly ever seen them when we lived near him. He made sure that our first born was his baby...but when our second one was born, he never grew attached to her. Plus the girl, yes girl (she was only 15yrs. old when they met and he cheated on me with her, he was 23yrs.)was very jealous over my girls' so she'd play games on him. Anyhow...the man I'm with now, has always respected the girls and have always treated them like a father figure and a dad would. It's not our choice for our children calling someone else mom or dad...its theirs...its in their heart on how the person or people make them feel. I know that my girls have called their dad's girlfriend mom at some point and at first it kind of hurt, until I found out that she loves them like she would love her own kids. They don't call their real dad, dad..they call him step dad...lol...or ex dad or by his name. I know it hurts him, but he respects that. So Good Luck!

I am a step-mom of 6 plus one of my own. I had a hard time with the kids calling me mom when they were younger because I thought it was disrespectfull to their mother. But as time has gone on I have gotten use to it and so has their mother. Kids just call you what they feel. If they feel that is their dad then let them call him dad. As far as what you call your husband- call him whatever you want. My husband has always just called me by name except when we were dealing with our son. The kids don't care. They know I am not their biological mother but I am their mom- because of the relationship I have with them- quite similar to your huband and children. As long as they know who their biological father is I don't see a problem with them calling your husband dad. Kids know the difference- we as adults need to give them more credit than we do. There is a difference between a Dad and a Father- your kids have both. They have their Father (biological) and they have their Dad. Anyone can be a Father but only the special ones can be a Dad.

In my situation i didnt care what my ex thought about it. It just shows that the kids know WHO is there for them for EVERYTHING!!!! Sounds lik you EX is a dad when convient or made to be and let me just say any one can be a dad . But it takes someone special to be a Father. I have 2 step kids and only one calls me mom.. which is fine. I have three kids from prior marriage and ALL of them call my husband dad and my DD calls him DADDY she is 16yrs.. this just proved to me that my kids know who has been and will be there for them no matter what!

i call my DH dad, hon,babe but mostly dad or daddy because we have 2 LO's together and no way will i have them calling him by his name!!! so he is dad and daddy

I think that it might hurt your kids' father's feelings if the children were to call your new husband dad. So maybe they could call him by a different name. Like papa, pops, poppy, pa. If your ex does not have a problem with it, then maybe you shouldn't. It doesn't devalue your kids father. You should be very lucky that you have a good father for your children already, and now they have an extra person in their life that cares about them that much.

You can choose something other than "Dad" for your husband. When my sister got re-married her kids started calling her new husband "Papa." That way each man has their personalized "Dad" name.

I was in a similar situation only my daughter was much younger than your kids so she didn't understand any of it. My situation is different in that my ex left when she was only 3 months old and we finalized our divorce when she was 8months old. He didn't even have overnights with her because I was nursing and initially he only stopped by the daycare for short visits and stopped by my place for even shorter visits to see her. I began dating again and then when she was 14 months old I met the man who is my husband today. She was around him more than her own Dad, reading bedtime stories to her, giving her baths, etc. She began calling him Daddy but she called every male Daddy including the pediatrician (how embarrassing for me! but you have to laugh!) The only difference was it got reinforced because he was the constant male figure in her life.

My ex resented that big time and in fact filed a custody suit over it. He even had it written into our papers that ANY father term could ONLY be used to refer to him. We came up with the term 'Pop' for him to shut my ex up but my DH was upset too because we knew we wanted to have kids together and he didn't want his children calling him by first name (what my ex kept modeling and pushing for) or Pop. We got a puppy first and just like when I grew up I would say when my husband came home 'Daddy's home' to the dog, etc and she began calling my husband 'Daddy' again. I got a 'nice' (Ha!) little phone call from the ex about that. I told him he was being insecure and ridiculous. He should be GLAD that I remarried to someone she felt that attached to (she was then about 4)and not focus on what she called him and think of it as an insult to him. I told him it was about his ego and he should let it go. I reinforced with her from the beginning of our serious relationship that she had two 'Daddies' that loved her and she was a very lucky girl.

Fast forward and now I do have two more children and of course my daughter calls my husband 'Daddy' and calls him 'Pop' sometimes too. Both my ex and my husband have gotten over their initial hurt over this issue. It just takes time.

My advice is to print this page out with everyone's comments and show it to your ex. He needs a reality check. Like my ex who refused marital counseling to save our relationship and then wanted to complain about me remarrying and his daughter having a second 'Dad' in her life, he too should be thanking his lucky stars you found someone so wonderful that treats his children like his own. He should stop thinking about himself and realize that although divorce is not ideal, this is the best outcome for his kids. That should be his focus.

Hello Kari. My opinion is this, if 'real dad' has problem with 'step dad' being called 'dad' then the real dad just has problems. If the 'real dad' was around more maybe your little ones wouldn't be calling new hubby dad!?!? Their father might spend time with them, but WHY wasn't he in the Er? Children don't forget those things. As for how you should refer to your DH, call him what the children call him. That would not be encouraging them to call your DH anything, you would be taking thier lead. Also, if your ex has a huge problem with it, in all reality what can he do about it besides spend more time with his children (and that couldn't be a bad thing)? When my hubby got divorsed him and his ex agreed that the children wouldn't call anyone else by 'mom' or 'dad', but in reality, there isn't any way to prevent it, especially when the children are living with the 'step' and they respect them and obviously enjoy their company. Best of Luck and congrats on the new marriage.

I think that if your children love your new husband so much that they feel he is a 'dad', LET THEM CALL HIM DAD! Encourage them to do so! If your ex has a problem, maybe it is because he knows he has not been a good father figure to his own children. It sounds as if they are wanting to call him Dad, and I bet he is thrilled!

That is cool that you "re-kindled" your high school flame! About the kids...My mom remarried when I was 5. My dad stayed "daddy" and my step-dad became "daddy-mark" and stayed that way til he left my mom 8 years ago. And I am in my 30s. Come up with a nick name that fits for your family. That makes it personal for your new husband and shoulnd't offend your ex - his title hasn't been taken from him. Good luck.

I have known of families with situations like yours where the kids and parents (meaning mom and step dad) got together and decided on a name for step dad that would be just his. Not "dad", so as not to hurt real dad's feelings, but something with a similar meaning, like "Pop" , "Pa" you can even get creative, "Big Daddy", "Daddy-O", whatever. Just something you all decide on and like. Then the ex doesn't get mad they've given away his title, you all have a "bonding experience" coming up with the name and it belongs to your new family, and step dad isn't the bad guy. Good luck.

I don't stick with one name when I talk to or about DH in front of the kids. I call him Mike, Michael, Mr. H. Dad, Daddy, your father. Just say what ever feels right at the time.