I have been with my husband since my now 6 year old daughter was 1 years old. Together we have raised my daughter and have two sons. Her biological father has always been a part of her life. She calls both of them Daddy (by her own choice, we have never told her to call my husband Daddy). When she speaks about her biological Dad, she calls him "my other dad"
Recently my husband over heard her talking to our 3.5 year old son and asked if he knew what it means when she says her "other dad" She went on to tell our son that Daddy (my husband) is her real Dad and "Joe" (her biological dad) is her step dad. Then yesterday her and her friend were playing outside, I went out to tell my daughter something and she mentioned something she did at her other dad's house and her friend said, Who's her real dad? My daughter immediately said, Daddy is my real Dad! Meaning my husband. I just froze and didn't know what to say. In her heart that is how she feels, my husband is her real Daddy. My daughter and husband love each other as if they were blood. I knew this day would come. I just don't know how to explain it to a 6 year old for her to understand. Although her biological dad loves her to death, My husband is more of a Dad to her than he is. Any suggestions on how to explain this?
I have a 6-year old daughter as well and it never ceases to amaze me how much she is actually is able to understand. I think that if you were to tell her the simple truth and let her know that family takes many forms -- blood relatives and the family we choose -- and it is okay for her to love both of her dads and visa-versa, then she'd probably get it.
I think you should take the approach families who do open adoptions already do. I don't know the exact terminology so you will have to look it up but it's something along the lines of bio-mom is whose tummy the child came from while "mom" is the one whose heart the child came from. She's lucky in her case that BOTH fathers are loving so I would reinforce that as well. Remind her she is doubly loved. :)
Your husband is her dad, as he has raised her and loves her. Your ex is her "bio"-dad because he is biologically her father and he loves her. If you need to explain it, that would make the most sense. They are both "real" in the sense that they both love her :)
My bio-dad was never in the picture - the man who raised me is my "real" dad.
Dear Angela,
What a wonderful dilemma.....not all step-children are loved so dearly by both "real dad" and "other dad". I say "LET IT BE", don't try to explain, she'll grow into the knowledge over the years and who knows your little girl may be walked down the isle by TWO FATHERS.
Blessings......
I've got friends that were from blended families that are similar to your situation. They consider their step-dad to be their "real" dad, as he's the one that filled that role.
You might just explain to her the difference between biological father and her step father. Then when someone asks her who her real dad is, she can say my bio dad is X and my dad is Y, or something like that. Or I don't see a problem with a response like "I have two dads."
My stepson (now 14) knows the proper labels for each of his 4 parents, but doesn't often bother with them. He'll say he has two houses, for example, and whichever one he's not at is "the other house" vs "this house".
I would wait until she's a little older to have this conversation. She's too young to understand why your husband isn't her "real dad". I would just keep reminding her of how lucky she is to have two men who love her very much!
At her age, the "real daddy" is the one who reads stories, tucks her in, cuddles, laughs and is at the dining table each night. It doesn't mean that her biological father is less important, it's just how kids categorize the relationships at this age.
It took me a really long time to understand why I had three sets of grandparents and my parents didn't elaborate on the fact that my dad's parents had divorced and remarried until I was 8 or 9 and old enough to have a real conversation about divorce.
I have a half sister, from my father's first marriage. Our mother has been the only real mother she's known, but my sister knew growing up the difference between the woman who gave her life and the woman who was giving her love. She referred to our mother as "mom/mommy" and her birth mother as "mother". That's how she kept them separate.
I suggest you and your husband sit down with her and just explain that before you and your husband married, you and her Bio-father were together. I'm not sure how much she knows about where babies come from, but you can tell her that your first husband is the one who gave her to you, explain that that's what most people mean when they say "real" dad. Tell her that your husband now loves her so much, that he chose you and her to love and take care of, that she sees and feel that love everyday and that's what makes him just as much her dad as anything. That as long as she knows in her heart who she feels is her "real" dad it doesn't matter what other people say. Tell her that if someone asks again she's to tell them that your first is her "bio" or "birth" dad and that your husband now is her "daddy". Maybe you can suggest she call her birth father "dad" and your husband "daddy". I've even known a child who referred to one parent "#1mom" and the other "#2mom".
Good luck!
Angela, I like what Toni said and I really don't see why you need to explain more to her now, I think it would confuse her. She's only six there is nothing wrong with the way she thinks, she has two dads that she loves very much and love her back. When she gets older she'll come to you, her bio dad or your husband. The important thing is she knows she's love...
Unless there is something going on, a reason that she has drawn this line, as a child raised by the multi-parent system, I wouldn't worry. Kids have favorites, and then, grow and change, as I'm sure you are aware. Be glad that the relationship is that good between all parties involved. If you are going to do anything, that would be to state the honest truth: your father is Joe. She'll eventually be a teenager and then, she will most likely pull the "your not my real dad" card. They're just words and like Shakespeare said:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
I would noot hit it head on you can creat unneeded stress there. I had my two moms growing up. You can correct her about the use of Biological but do it privatly when she is in a good mood. Don't emarass her infront of anyone. To this day I have two moms and am much closer to my step mom than my real. I introduce them both as mom. Real is what she percieves at this age. She sounds really well adjusted and to her real is waht she sees every day. Real does not have to mean blood. They are realated in the heart.
As far as your daughter is concerned, her step dad is her "real" dad. Let it rest and let her say that. Blood doesn't make someone a "real" dad - everyday interaction and love does. Her "other" dad is her biological one. Explain that her "other" dad is her biological dad, the one that helped make her.
So she has her 'real' dad and her 'biological' dad. And since both love her and are involved with her life, she's a very lucky girl.
Whatever you decide to do, you need to chat with the bio dad and make sure he isn't feeling threatened all of a sudden and is going to start telling her to NOT call her step dad "dad". That will cause even more problems and confusion for her. My ex husband was very threatened by my now husband who loves and cares for my 2 kids. He told the kids they better NOT call him dad, he is NOT their "real" dad, etc. Put a huge amount of undue stress and anxiety on the kids. After 3 years they are still dealing with it. So its a tricky one. Good luck, I hope you find a solution.
Since your husband takes care of most of her needs, he is her "real"dad. At her tender age, it is not necessary for you to explain anything about the biological aspects of her birth. as for any discussions with her friends, it is none of anyone's business....she has two dads, that's all.
Updated
Since your husband takes care of most of her needs, he is her "real"dad. At her tender age, it is not necessary for you to explain anything about the biological aspects of her birth. as for any discussions with her friends, it is none of anyone's business....she has two dads, that's all.
This question is close to my heart, since one of my children is a step-child.
DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR DAUGHTER! She knows in her heart who her "real" dad is, and it is your husband.
Who's to say what the definition of "real" is? I say it's the person you give your whole heart to.
Your daughter knows what's real, let her be. She sounds like a very together girl.
EDITED TO ADD-
What I read after I posted an answer, proved my point... Most parents don't give their children credit for understanding! I know that at 6, I understood it. I know that at 6 my daughter understood it... Even at 4 she understood it.
GIVE HER CREDIT. She may surprise you and tell you that she still thinks of your husband as her dad. And that he's more special to her. She might even tell you she already understands the basic difference between a dad and a stepdad, but that it doesn't matter to her.
My daughter just turned 7. Similarly, her stepdad is more of a dad than her real dad. However, I didn't get together with my current husband until she was 4.
I would ask her why she thinks that your husband is her "real dad". Talk to her about what the differences are... But do so with tact. Let her know that it's still ok to call them both dad if that's what she wants to do. Talk to her about the difference between a "dad" and a "father". She's old enough to understand and if there's something that she doesn't quite understand, she'll tell you.
Good luck.
i haven't read the other answers you've got but what about just explaining that when other people ask who her 'real dad' is they are meaning your ex because he is the one that helped you have her? IDK, just what I was thinking.
Your hubby IS her real dad. Just not her biological father.
My kids both call my husband their real dad and say that their bio-dad is their stepdad also. They're 7 & 8 so I think they're old enough to understand a bit, but I just tell them that my husband is their real dad cause he does the day to day things with them, and that their other dad (they call him Daddy John) is their real dad cause he helped bring them to my husband.
How about calling your ex her "first Daddy"?
Your husband is her real dad as he is the one who raises her etc.
Her other dad is her biological.
It is the difference of the heart- not the blood
Sounds like she is a lucky little girl
If it were my daughter, (who is a year older than yours) I would just say, "Sweetie, they are BOTH your real dad. You're a very lucky girl who got to have two daddys that love you very much. But some people don't understand that, and they will want to know which daddy helped me make you. They think THAT means real. And the daddy that helped make you is Joe. BUT, you and I and your daddys know that being a REAL dad means loving you and being there for you when you need them. And both your dads do that; that's why they're both real."
In your daughter's eyes her real dad it the one that is there all the time. I'm glad that your daughters "true" dad is in her life. She is very lucky to have 2 men that love her & are proud to have her in their lives calling them "daddy".
I don't know how I learned the difference between my dads - I don't really remember. But I was 18 mo. old when my mom married my "step-dad". I called him daddy or daddy Junior & my real dad was just dad. I repect both men for different resons now & even growing up. And the love I have for them is deep for both, it is different as well.
The only thing that I can suggest is maybe telling her that her biological or "other daddy" was her first dad and that your hubby became her dad when she was 1. At 6 they are able to understand more then we sometime give them credit for. As time goes by, she will get it more. But I am glad that you found a great man to help you raise your kids & that loves all the kids as his!
