Is it considered right or wrong to put a step-dad on the same level as a real dad on Father's Day? The step-dad doesn't have any children of his own, and has been in the family since my husband was 19, but he is the most 'involved' of all the other grampa's. My husband and I have 4 sets of parents and we have two boys aged 1 and 3. When we had our first child we made 7 people grandparents. There hasn't been any jealousy or drama in our family that I can recall. Until now.
While trying to make Father's Day dinner plans at my husband's dad's house, my husband's dad was very offended when he found out that we were going to my husband's mom's house for lunch beforehand (my husband's parents had an abusive relationship and a messy divorce BUT have put it aside in recent years). This celebration is a new thing, started last year by my husband's mom. FYI, she and her husband tried to have children 12-14 years ago but suffered miscarriages due to her age. I suspect she desperately wants him to feel like a 'real' grandfather even though the grandchildren aren't his blood relatives. What do you guys think? Should he have a Father's Day? Should he be celebrated on Grandparent's Day instead? Or maybe I should ask that we do it on the Saturday before Father's Day?
Thank you so much for the responses. It's complicated. My husband doesn't view his step-dad as a father figure, but his brother thinks of him as a role model and advisor and yesterday called him 'a dad that his dad never was'. The thing is, we didn't celebrate him on Father's Day for the first 12 years that he was married to my husband's mother, we just started to last year when it was very apparent how great a grampa he was being to our two sons. I agree my husband's Dad was jealous and emotional, but, through no fault of our own, he has been made to feel like second fiddle to all the things my husband's mom and step-dad are doing with/for our sons. I think it just got to him. Especially since his his other son doesn't have a good realationship with him, but has a great one with the step-dad. I have no idea what wll happen next year. My husband stood up for his dad and made his mom mad and now they aren't talking. We ended up staying home on Father's Day and just celebrating my husband being a daddy...
My stepfather was more of a father to me than my real father was. He was also my son's beloved "PapPap" not Step PapPap. What's in a name? Make nice with ALL the dads/paps. They all deserve to be celebrated!
My parents are divorced and my own father (who I am VERY close to) lives in another state. The most active grandfather in my 2 yr old son's life is my mother's new husband who just came into my life when I was 24. Although he was always nice to me, we didn't have much of a relationship because I was already out of the home and living my life. That all changed when my son was born. My mom couldn't wait to have grandkids and when my son was born she was thrilled beyond belief! Her joy and involvement affected everyone around her and my new step-dad took on the role as primary PAPA! He is wonderful with my son and loves him like he was his own. I just can't sing his praises enough and my son adores him beyond any other (besides my mom). Of course, this made me see my step-dad in a whole new light as we all find greater love for those who love our children. We just had Fathers Day at our home and I get Father's Day gifts and cards for my Dad and step-dad just the same. Of course, I wish my real Dad was here and feel sad when I see how much he's missing out on but I am happy that my step-dad is here to fill in. The more people on this planet who love my children the better! Good Luck!
Sounds like your husband sees his step dad like a father........so of course you should celebrate Fathers Day with him. Sorry your other father-in-law is jealous, but it sounds like you are honoring him too. It's great that you want to consider everyones feelings, but don't let them make you feel guilty. Don't forget Father's Day is for your husband too. It's unfair of his Dad to put a damper on it for him. AND every year does not have to be like the year before. 3 years ago your husband wasn't a DAD.
My husband also has "two" sets of parents. We loved them ALL. 1/2 are gone. Love them while you can.
It all depends on how close you are to the step-parent. My mother and I moved in with my step father when I was 14, so for the last half of my teens he was a full time dad, even though my own father was in the picture as well. Each fathers day I find a special card for each of them, because they are both my dads. My father married his wife after I was already an adult with child of my own. I do refer to her as Grandma to my boys, but feel no need to send her a mothers day card since she was never in that role in my life.
He should be given the same status as any other.
Most definitely! Your "real" family doesn't have to be blood relatives. If your step dad loves and cares for you like a real dad, then that is just what he is......your real dad, and should be celebrated for it. Sometimes when a parent is abusive, it's better to separate from that dad and find another dad who can play that role, be it step dad or a mentor dad. It should be safe and healthy for the child, no matter what that child's age is.
Even more special for a dad who fulfills that job in a healthy way, and does it because it's his choice and not a "blood" thing.
If your husband views his relationship with his mom's husband and 'father and son' like, then yes, he should be remembered on Father's Day. If he is just a nice guy that made mom happy and married her, and they are all buds but he does not have a fatherly type relationship with your husband, then the proper time to recognize him would be on Grandparent's Day.
If it soothes his DAD to not mention plans.. then try not to mention them. But I wouldn't necessarily move the celebration. If it happened to interfere with specific plans with "real" dad, to have plans with step-dad, then I would consider moving the celebration with step dad. But not just b/c "real" Dad doesn't like it.
i just wanted to give some thoughts. My parents divorced a year after my husband and I were married. Both of my parents are remarried now. And while I will never see my step-mother as a mother figure. She is the BEST grandmother i could ever ask for! I am so grateful to her for all that she does for our kids. I never had grandparents involved in my life and I see how important it is to my kids! I hope you will do what you can to keep the relationship between your kids and their grandparents strong! I think it's great that you spent the day with just your family. have a special day just for your husband. Maybe that's a great tradition to start to avoid all the drama.
I did not send a father's day card to my other half's step dad. I didn't because he doesn't have anything really to do with my son and well our family and well, what's the point really. That was, however, MY CHOICE. And the issue hasn't and won't be a problem with the other half because we are on the same page.
I DID however take my daughter while she was here to get her dad a father's day card for her dad even tho I think that he is a worthless human with absolutely no value otherwise. WHY? Because it's her father and it WAS the right thing to do and she loves him...and...you get the idea.
I vote you do what ever makes you AND YOUR HUSBAND feel comfortable and leave the bickering to the other parties. This isn't your fight. Don't make it yours.
Let them be petty and childish on their own time. Get a card for whom you like. Have lunch with whom you feel comfortable with.
I also want to point out that blood relation has NOTHING to do with how well you parent or granparent or love a child. Are they present? Do they participate in their upbringing. Are they involved. THAT is the measure of a father, grandfather AND mom and dad.
Good luck to you and yours. Sending good thoughts your way.
My step father is a better father than my real father ever will be so yes honor the man on Father's Day he has earned it and it takes a great man to be a good "father" and "grandfather" when they are not even your real flesh and blood. I hear so many step parents complain about their "new" family and how hard it is to get along and your husbands step dad has gone above and beyond all that so he deserves and has earned the right to be honored : )
I am a little confused by this post, step father/grandfather???? but I get the first line that says should a step father be treated as a real father on Father's Day. The relationships are as they are....based on the history between him and these two men. We understand the multiple families; our children have 9 grandparents so I get it. We actually do more with one of our step parents than all the others together; that is just due to the priority that the relationship has on both sides. It cracks me up that our parents think they can create so much craziness and expect us to do things so nice and cleanly on these type of situations. I have the philosophy that we did not create or ask for this mess, so we do what we feel and what works for us, while also trying to consider all that are actively engaged in our lives.
I know Fathers Day is past, the day dosen't really matter when you celebrate it - it dosen't have to be on Fathers Day - if this man is a Father figure to your husband and children and you love him like a Grandfather -and Father - he is involved - then celebrate his love and show him you appreciate him. God blesses us with the people he places in our lives - and life is so short sometimes. We celebrate holidays at different times as most of our familiy is growing and for all to be present we have to jiggle the dates to be together - and that is fine as long as we are together.
I think you should celebrate him also. My husbands parents got divorced when he was 25ish and his dad remarried 5 years ago. We had our first child not long after that and (even though I don't really care for her) I send her grandma cards on mothersday.
Was the stepDad a good father to your husband? If so it is wrong to make a distinction. The only grandchildren I have are my stepdaughters and I would be highly insulted if anyone said they weren't mine.I consider heer my daughter as I helped raise her and treated her better than her birth mom.
T.,
My personal opinion is, if your husband feels that he is a father figure to him, and he he IS the grandfather of his children, then YES...he should be treated as a father would be treated on Father's Day. There is nothing wrong with showing appreciation to him for being such a strong active part of your lives or your childrens lives.
It isn't blood that makes a man a Dad, I know from experience, a Dad is the one who is there for you when it counts, who does everything in his power to help you, to guide you down the right paths and who loves you unconditionally even if you aren't his own. Any man can help create a child, which makes him a father, but it takes a good man to be both a father and a Dad.
If he has been there for your husband and he is there for your family now, Celebrate him, he deserves it!
DNA is not what makes a father or grandfather. We don't have quite that issue. In our family my husband and I have both lost our dads. And my husbands step dad that married his mother after his dad passed and after he and I got married. His step dad is the only grandfather that my kids have. They love him just like he's blood. If your husband's dad is offended let it be his problem.
Good luck and God Bless!!
As a product of divorce and a mother I will tell you that blood isn't that important. I have a step father that is involved in my son's life, but he wasn't a part of mine growing up. My step Mother was the one that raised me and I consider her my Mom.
Bottom line is: Our hearts are so big and there is room enough for us to love many people abundantly. The scheduling is just that, scheduling. I have explained to all of the Grandparents (my son has 4 sets) We Love them all and I will make sure they get as much time with Jaxson as they want, but I won't deal with the drama.
Honestly, the only grandparents that have ever given me issues are my real mother and step dad. [the two that didn't make an effort to spend time with me growing up]
I will say that days like Father's Day get celebrated a few times. Just like Christmas, Thanksgiving etc...
I know you are getting this after father's day and I hope everything worked out. Just remember you are the Mommy, which means you make the rules, schedules and if anyone has a problem with your schedule that is really THEIR PROBLEM. Make them act like adults, not children that don't want to share a toy. Have a wonderful Day!
I think your idea of having lunch at your husband's mom's house and celebrating Grandpa is great. Your husband's dad still gets his dinner celebration without the "other one" there. We have had to deal with exes for a long time and have found out first hand that blood really has nothing to do with anything. We have mine, his, and ours. My kids real dad is the one that is not "blood" related. Your husband's dad is being ridiculous. Celebrating other people who are involved in your lives does not take anything away from him. Don't sweat your husband's dad reaction. Celebrate both of your husband's dads on Father's Day!!! The "step" father and Grandpa is as real as they come. Best wishes and God bless!
