Letting My Kids Know Their Grandfather Is Their Step Grandfather

Why does it matter? Why do they have to know? Why can't dad just say that that "dad" is his step dad if it ever comes up?

So many kids today have 4-8 or more sets of grandparents through this marriage, that marriage, divorce, death, and more. It's not a big deal.

Stop the cycle now and tell them the whole truth.
And I was wondering about the twenty years junior thing? My husband is almost fifteen years younger than me and we have been married twenty one years. It's really not a big deal. What is abnormal about it?

hard to say because i don't understand why this was ever a secret. i doubt that your kids have been panting to know the backstory, but having it be so taboo to discuss that a) they've never heard it before and b) you're now worried about how to tell them just seems so odd to me.
i wouldn't sit down and have some Big Serious Discussion about it. i'd just wait until the right conversational opportunity arose, toss it out there casually, and answer questions if any came up.
why do your kids require an 'explanation'?
khairete
S.

Your psychoanalysis of your husband is interesting but why do your kids need your unprofessional opinion of their dad's psyche? How do you believe your thoughts of their dad's mental state will impact them?

We all have family history. Some good and some bad. It's not where you come from by how you handle what you have endured that matters. Your husband was a child a long time ago. It is time for him to choose to be different or to choose to be just like the only dad he knew or like no dad at all but it's his choice.

I also agree with others that said, "this is not your story to tell".

I come from a family on my dad's side with in-laws, out-laws (the divorced spouses of aunts and uncles) and others (long term non married relationships). It was all good and each relationship with each person could stand on it's own in my child's world and even now as an adult. The back story is just story not particularly critical to me as a child.

Simple answer, no. It doesn't matter.

Families have changing relationships, period. They don't need all the drama and details.

Your husband's step dad is not responsible for your husband's behavior. YES parents have an impact on who we are - BUT - WE are responsible for who we chose to BE. If your husband didn't like how he was parented, then it is HIS responsibility to do the work to be a better parent than what he had. Stop making excuses for it and tell him if he wants better relationships with his kids, he needs to make it happen.

Your kids really don't need any details about MIL's dating life. My dad is 20 years older than my mom. They divorced. She married a guy that was 20 years younger. It is what it is - NORMAL is not an applicable word here. If he's nice, respectable and they care about each other, then stop judging just because there's an age difference.

I don't see how it will make a difference and it is a bit concerning how important you think it is. Telling them won't make it suddenly understandable, sorry but all steps don't act this way so it isn't like saying, well yes, your milk fell on the floor because of gravity. That clears things up, saying he isn't your real grandfather is only going to add to confusion.

After all you aren't just making excuses why step dad isn't interested in step son, you are also introducing the fact that bio dad doesn't give a rip either.

Concentrate your efforts on making sure your kids understand this isn't their fault.

I feel like perhaps I should explain better, my mom is bi polar and I am adopted. The reason she treated me as she did was the bi polar not the adoption. If they were confused about why she treats them poorly sometimes and I said I was adopted it would have just confused them more because they were smart enough to know that didn't make sense.

I think you have to be very careful putting something on 12 and 14 year olds who are entering adolescence and already struggling - or are about to - to find their own identify. Asking them to understand their father's mental issues is not appropriate for kids.

That said, I don't know why this whole thing has been hidden from them all along. Kids understand divorce, remarriage, adoption, stepfamilies, same-gender parents, and a whole bunch more. Perhaps drawing out a family tree "just for fun" would be one way to do it.

As far as "where they come from" - they come from the family they know. I think it's a shame that they don't have any more relationship with their grandfather. He has always been their grandfather even if he is your husband's stepfather. He's been in their lives for a long time, right? Therefore he is their grandfather in every way. Your husband's biological father should be referred to as that - not as his "real dad". He's not a dad. He's a biological connection only. If your husband has issues about it, those are his to deal with - but don't put that on your kids, that the grandfather they have known is somehow less than a real person. All you will do is teach kids that their father is a mess because of not having a "real dad" and then your kids will figure there's something lacking in themselves. Don't do that to anyone, certainly not a couple of teens striving to find themselves.

Two thoughts - one is, if your husband decides to share this with the kids, I think it's for him to do - after all, you're saying he has deep issues about this and it's impacted how he is with your family. It would be healthiest that way. If he is not engaged with your family, that's another issue.

The other is - I would wait until your kids ask. That's how I found out about family when I grew up - we asked when our minds were wondering about family dynamics. That way, we could handle the information my parents gave us.

Good luck :)

That's a lot to put on a 14 and 12 year old.

If dad wants to tell them fine if not, stay out of it. You and your husband have other issues that need to be addressed. Perhaps some family counseling might be in order. After the counseling then if dad chooses to do so, he can tell them the dynamics of the family tree. Remember this is his side of the family not yours.

As for the MIL dating a younger guy, that's her business not yours. You do not know why the step-dad and she split up.

For now let sleeping dogs lie and be careful when you do wake them up as you may not like the results.

Families are families and they come in all kinds of ways. My husband's side is a hot mess and I tread carefully. He feels bad that he does not know more about them but that is what his mother has given him. As far as family trees go, he has a very small one. My side is a whole other story many branches everywhere.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS If need be, start a few new traditions for your family.

I'm not sure why this hasn't come up in normal conversation. My kids, much younger than yours, already understand stepfamilies, adoptive families, etc. This week my K student came home with a family tree project (which, frankly, surprised me that teachers still do). And we talked about how many families don't look like the tree paper she gave us to fill out. And I used specific examples from our friends and family to explain how family trees can have all kinds of shapes.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't One Big Serious Conversation about how they will never know their "real" grandfather. But it can come up in small ways, like when a TV show features step families. Or if they ask why stepdad never comes around, you can say, well, we love Grandpa Joe because he was part of our family for so long, but really he was your dad's stepdad. Then answer the questions that stem from there. But there is definitely no need to get into the drama of how close your father is to his stepdad, any perception of favoritism, etc.

Stepdad's orphanage could also come up in a separate conversation about adoption, etc. But no need to tie it in with grandma's divorce, because it's a separate issue.

And what does grandma dating have to do with any of this?

It almost sounds like you are looking for drama. Don't do it.

I don't know why this wasn't explained when your children were wee ones. There's no difference between a father and a step father because they are just adults in a child's life. They wouldn't have thought less of him being a step grandfather. My brother is a step grandfather and he would do anything for his granddaughter.

The real issue here is that since the parents divorced step dad has stepped out of the picture and mom is dating someone closer to your hubby's age. Who she dates is really non of your business. I don't see where telling your children that their grandfather isn't a real grandfather is to anyone's benefit.

And you might want to stop playing armchair therapist in figuring out your hubby's issues. He might have been anti social and not really family oriented even if his father figure had been more involved.

Would you want someone to explain the elephant in the room?

Whose behavior are you trying to explain? I think that if anyone should say, "Well, actually he's my stepfather so we have a different relationship than he does with my brothers" it should be your husband. Is this desire to tell them prompted by a particular event? Have they asked? You might also simply say, when opportunity permits, that the family is more of a venn diagram. My DD is still little and understands that she's their sister through their father, but that my SD and SS are not my biological children. We are related by marriage, same as DH's brother's wife is related by marriage. I think the elephant in the room is really his treatment of your husband vs the relationship. If the husband has issues with his own children, I suggest family counseling. Not all families are close-knit. If yours is and his isn't, then accept that they aren't going to be the same. We are closer to my family in many ways than my DH's and that has nothing to do with steps.

I think your children deserve to know just because they deserve to know. Not for any of the reasons you listed, but just because this is their family and it seems dishonest that they haven't known since they were 2 years old. Why, exactly, is that? Why has this been kept from them all these years? They will probably see it that way, so you might want to think about it.

The thing is, this is really your husband's decision. This is his stepfather, and it's his story to tell. Even though your children have every right to know this, I'm not sure it's your place to tell them.

This is such a loaded question with a lot of missing information.

It's hard to decide who really has the issue here.

As other posters have said, this I your husbands' story to tell.

Should you explain it to your kids?...... Have they asked about it?

If you decide to, please keep it simple such as, "Grandpa loves you, but sometimes adults have to do adult stuff and that must be what he is doing".

Your post is very drama filled, and I get it, but don't hand that baggage on to your kids. When they are older and can fully understand the impact of one's upbringing, it can be explained more.

But right now they just need to know that people are who they are and are doing the best they can.

ETA: sorry, but I just feel the need to add that this question is just too loaded to determine if this is really about grandpa being step grandpa, your concerns about your husband, your childrens' relationship with their dad, your MIL relationship with her ex, your MIL's relationship with her new boyfriend, your kid's relationship with the step grandfather or your wanting to talk about all these mixed and unspoken messages amongst family members.

I guess my first thought is how often do the kids see the step grandpa? If they see him all the time, I think I would feel more inclined to tell the kids. If they only see him once a year then I wouldn't until maybe they were older.

When I was in my early 20's my mom and I were driving home from my grandparents house. I said something about skeletons in the closet and my mom said, yeah, like grandma being married before. I was like, what are you talking about? She married grandpa the day after she graduated high school. She was all, no, before grandpa she ran off with some guy and married him in another state...you know all this. I was like NO I DON'T! And to this day, I'm 48, I still feel a little freaked about hearing about it like that. The next time I saw my grandma, she pulled me aside and said she heard that I heard her "secret" and talked to me about it. But still, it was something major and I felt like I had been lied to my whole life until then. I was extremely close to my grandparents.

So I guess what I'm saying is if they are close to him, I would be more likely to tell them right away since frankly, too much time has gone by as it is. But if they don't see him often and are not close to him, then I don't see the point in upsetting them over someone they don't really see much or have a deep relationship with. It's tricky regardless. Good luck.

You could explain it to them the same way you explained to us. I think it's important to know the dynamics in a family. I guess that's important to me being an adoptive parent. I'd rather they hear it from me where I can explain things then to hear from someone else. The next time step grandpa is mentioned you could say did you know he is your dad's stepdad? and then you can go from there. Who knows they may have heard this information from other family members. Kids sometimes know more than we think.

My biological grandfather died when my dad was a kid. My grandmother eventually married his brother. I don't know how or when I knew that my grandpa was actually my step-grandpa/great uncle or that some of my aunts were really step-aunts/cousins, but it did not and does not matter one bit. My own kids have/had 4 biological grandparents and 3 step-grandparents. They don't distinguish relationships with biology so it doesn't matter. They were just as close with my stepdad as they were with my bio dad, and my husband's bio dad has always been distant. My husband's mom and his stepdad divorced last year, but the kids are still close with their step-grandpa. You can still see him, you know, even though MIL has moved on.

Relationships are people-specific. Things just are how they are, and it isn't because of the family tree connection. You get to choose who to call Family, you're not restricted by biology or marriage. There IS a connection and always will be. He is a permanent part of their history, and is family for as long as they choose to deem him such.

I honestly don't understand why you're treating this like it's a big, important deal.

I don't think it would hurt to tell them. But I don't think you should go into great detail about what you see as their father's personality, or talk about MIL's dating life. I think you should tell it more as an interesting story about grandpa's life, because it is a pretty interesting story, and at your kids' ages, they should start to learn about people so that they can develop empathy.

It sounds like you're wanting your children to understand why their father and step-grandfather are distant. You want them to be sympathetic
They really don't need to understand why he acts this way, especially at this age. I suggest you're wanting the children to be the adults. Dad is distant. If they know why, they will cut him some slack sort of thinking.

Are you wanting to do this because the children are disrespectful? Or perhaps because you want their relationship with Dad to be closer or in some way different? If the children are disrespectful, teach them to show respect no matter how they feel. They will need to be respectful to people they dislike all their lives. He is their father. He is an authority figure even if he abuses his authority. Teach how to relate to him as well as ways to interact so that they can have a calm, tho still distant relationship.

You accept that he's unable to be close. If the children are wanting more closeness, tell them Dad is the way he is and is unable to change. Then help them find other ways to have good relationships with men. Really, your husband is the way he is. Knowing why doesn't make him any closer to them. In fact, knowing why puts a burden on them. You're asking them to understand their Dad whIle Dad isn't able to understand them. This is a reversal of roles. I speak from experience.

I don't understand why the children do not know about step situations. They are old enough to have been asking questions about family relationships. Do a family tree in grade school is universal. Why has it been a secret? Without knowing the history, I can't suggest how to handle that.

I do suggest that the children need to know their biological history because of potential medical issues. They need to be told at least when they're adults. I would gradually work that information into everyday conversation over the years. I would not make telling a big deal.

I'm also surprised this never came up. I have a stepfather since 18 and I call him by his first name. So my child understand that he is not my father but he is 100% her grandfather.

It's who they are. Just explain it matter of factually and go from there.

If you every do a genealogy chart for the family, it'll be clear.
Otherwise I wouldn't try to explain anything.

My husband's father was never around, my kids have known that since they were little. No secrets with that. My mom's mom was married to her third husband when she passed. My kids are VERY close with my mom's dad, but were not at all with her mom or her 3rd husband. I was very close also with her 2nd husband, but he passed away when I was in middle school.

I don't get the need to be secretive about it - or ever have been secretive about it. Honesty is best, and this is something they should have already known about.

Also, my husband is 17 years older than I am, we have been married 11 years now...who cares how old her new boyfriend is. If she is happy, what is weird about it?