4 Year Old Not Sleeping in Own Room or Bed

D.,

Have you thought about changing her room around or repainting and decorating with her helping chose the decor. Make the soace personal to her as if it is her very own sanctuary.

Hello D.:)
First of all I would not blame yourself for the way your daughter acts. In my country kids cosleep with parents and grandparents till we're teenagers(due to lack of space)and we're not messed up for life.Both of our kids slept with us till they were 6 months and then we moved them to the cribs because everyone (including babies)slept better that way. When our oldest was almost 2 he climbed out of the crib and he was back with us.Now at 3 1/2 he starts in his own bed and comes to us in the middle of the night.I think it all depends on the kids, our youngest(18 months) "hates" cosleeping, he likes his room and his bed. Maybe your daughter is just a little "needy"(not in the bad way).It is a bit strange that she almost has a pannic attack about sleeping in her room.Did something happen there???Did older siblings scare her about something in her room???(we have God children who are older and they would tell our kids some spooky stuff not meaning harm, thinking it was funny).I know "supper nanny" approach has worked for many. Some of my friends have aero beds in their room by the bed, so kids are next to perents, but not in the bed with them(maybe you can start with that and just slowly move her out).I know many moms will have great suggestions since it's a hot topic:) Hope something works.

Hi D. -

We are a co-sleeping family as well. My son is 2 1/2 and I am not sure when we he will sleep on his own. You are doing a good thing, your daughter will have many more advantages because she co-sleeps. Co-slseeping children have been shown to be much more confident as oder children and adults. A suggestion for you. we have a queen bed and up against our queen we have put a twin mattress that pushes against our bed and the wall. This is my sons bed, it is essentially the same as our bed at the moment except I put Elmo sheets on it for him. This gives all of us the room that we need and the idea is to slowly move the twin away from out bed until they are not touching and then to move it in his room. Maybe you could try something like that? Let your daughter pick special sheets out for "her bed" and the over time seperate the two and the eventually move her bed back to her room. Like the other poster said she really will move in her own time. I know it can be hard sometimes and you really do want your space and not to get kicked in the middle of the night. But just think before you know it she won't want to even come out of her room and you will always have these memories to treasure. good luck with everything.

Hi D.,
My 5 (almost 6) year-old still comes in with us every once in a while because we brought him in when he was a baby too. But for the most part, he's very good now about going to sleep by himself and staying in his room all night.

Don't get me wrong...I loved snuggling with him and still do, but sometimes we just don't get enough sleep. (I actually hadn't heard of "co-sleeping" until he was 2...so I was glad to hear that our unintentional co-sleeping had benefits.)

He also threw fits when he was younger. I too would wait by his bed until he fell asleep, but that wasn't enough.

The thing that worked me, was that after I would finally get him to sleep in his room, I had to make up my mind that no matter how tired I was that night, I would carry him back to his bed the second he crawled into bed with us. Sometimes he would come in after only 45 minutes, and sometimes a few hours in...but I would scoop him up and not let him lie down, carry him back to his room, and lull him back to sleep in his own bed. It was exhausting, but after a couple of nights, he would stay longer and longer in his own bed. If after a 3 or 4 days, I would give in, it seemed like I would have to redo it all over again, so the routine seemed to be the thing that worked best for him.

Best wishes on some sleep-filled nights soon!

We let our daughter sleep with us till a little over a month ago. She turned 3 in March and did not want to sleep anywhere without me holding her. To get to the point, I was like you and was really stress because I knew I started the whole thing since she was born.

Well, I enrolled her in daycare to get more socialization and to see other kids trying new foods, sleeping by themselves, and not fighting going potty. That was just two months ago, and I am proud to say it worked for me! For the sleep thing, she know will go sleep in her own bed (and if she wants with a stuffy friend to hold, not me).

For the first week she would wake up during the night and cry to come in to my bed. I would just take her hand and walk her back to her room and tuck her in not saying hardly a thing. The key was just get her back in bed ASAP with a quick goodnight, do not turn on lights or talk much (will become more alert)or hold (can grab on to you).

I did the same thing! By kid #3 I learned that they stay in their room. I had kids sleeping in my room until my oldest was 7. He and his brother (4 years old) would do the same thing you are experiencing. I started out by telling them that if they wanted to sleep in my room them they were getting the floor because they were too big (I did this hoping that it would be uncomfortable and discourage the behavior). It didn't work but at least I got my bed back - you just had to be careful getting out of bed in the morning.

I finally had a talk with my hubby and we decided we needed to get serious. With my boys I told them that we would do a story to fall asleep and I would be there with them while they fell asleep. Once they were asleep I went into my room and went to bed. I told them that if they needed something in the middle of the night or got scared they could crawl into bed with each other or come and get me and I would tuck them back in.

The key for us was consistency. If we ever had a night of exhaustion and just gave in we went back to square one. It was a very long road but I know that it is better for them to be able to sleep on their own.

Another thing that worked with my older son was the "priviledges" talk. For doing things that were considered "big boy behavior" he got a perk. His was staying up another 1/2 hour at night if he walks himself up to bed and goes to sleep on his own (no book or mommy laying with him). Since he feels like he is getting something out of it he sticks to it.

My middle son has recently gotten in the habit of falling asleep on the couch and we carry him up to bed. Although he stays there with no problem we do want to eventually start back on the reading ritual. We are getting ready to move in a few weeks so once we get through that we will start again.

Hang in there - you will get the bed back eventually!!!

Hi D.! You are being WAY too hard on yourself - anyone who BLAMES you is out of their minds. Co-sleeping is a loving response to an important issue - SLEEP.

We have co-slept with all 3 of ours. The first one out of desperation. We didn't know what we were doing but we were tired and everyone got to sleep if we just held him. Today, my 9 and 7 year olds like to snuggle every now and then for a few minutes at night. On Friday nights they sleep on our floor and we watch a few favorite shows/movies. They love that time with us right now and it keeps us together but not in the same bed!!

Our 21 month old sleeps with us at night but takes his nap during the day in his toddler bed. The older two haven't slept with us in years. They both stopped at around 5. Both of them slept with us at the same time...it was a headache but when my husband was deployed to Iraq we were happy to have had all that snuggle time and we all bonded so tightly.

Don't rush it. Since you have older children, you know how quickly it goes and they don't want to have quite as much to do with you. Just take it easy. I agree with the other mom who wrote that she started out in her bed and then moved her child after he/she fell asleep. Every time your daughter comes in, move her to her bed again. You have to be committed and it shouldn't take too long. The idea, as with all things with children, is consistency.

I used to be terribly afraid of the dark. I don't know what caused that fear but it was there all my life even now a little bit. I have 5 sisters and there was no house we could afford that would give us each our own room. We always shared beds. That is why we didn't sleep with our parents. As my older sisters went to college and moved out, the last three of us got our own rooms and I hated it. I remember being in high school and getting in the bed with my sister when I felt afraid. Imagine a 15 and 20 year old having to share a twin bed:). It is a little embarrassing when I think about it now. LOL. I am sure your daughter won't have to do that. Well, this is long but good luck and don't think about blame. There is nothing wrong with what you have done. I don't condemn others for anything they do when raising children (as long as they are not abusive in any way). Most of us are doing what we think is best because we love our children. How can you argue with that? So just keep on loving your child (children) and everything will turn out alright.

Good luck and enjoy.

Hi D.. I'm a co-sleeping mom so I applaud you for co-sleeping with your youngest even if out of necessity.

Dr. Jack McKenna has well documented research regarding co-sleeping that you might be interested in (and later you may find yourself, patting yourself on the back rather than "blaming" yourself)
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/longterm.html

Also, a number of wonderful articles in Mothering Magazine
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/mothering.html

Perhaps your daughter is simply not ready to make the transition to solo sleeping. Societal pressures often force parents to push their children to the next milestone or benchmark before the child is ready. And as you know, children grow and develop in their own way, in their own time and their own terms.

A very wise woman (Karen Maezen Miller - author of Momma Zen) once told me "The grass grows by itself" and this has become my mothering mantra.

Trust your motherly instincts, and if you feel in your heart that she's truly ready, you may wish to bring her mattress into your room and make a slower transition. She won't want to sleep with your forever...eventually there won't be enough room.

When my son shows interest in a bed of his own, we plan to make a big deal of it...take him to a store and let him pick out a "big boy bed"...then give him the choice of putting it in our room first or his own. When the bed makes its way to his room, we will carry it together and have a celebration.

It will be bittersweet as we will miss him snuggling with us each night, yet we'll be proud of his independent leap.

Wishing you all a good night's sleep and peace of mind!
W.
http://motherrising.blogspot.com

co-sleeping is wonderful IF everyone is on board with it. if not, then it turns chaotic. it definitely sounds to me as if the problem isn't so much that you've been co-sleeping as that you're not committed to a family plan, so to speak, and a method of implementing it.
consistency consistency consistency.
kids get a lot of security and comfort from having a routine (even if it's not exactly the routine they'd have picked!)
no matter what method you decide suits you and your family best, there is no way to make it quick and easy at this point. pick your plan and stick with it.
khairete
S.

Hi there,

Sorry to hear you are struggling with this! Maybe you have tried this already, so forgive me if you have. But, you said she's very, very smart. Somehow she's getting 'something' out of this behavior, if you can figure out what that is and make it not happen for her that might help. Another idea, I know its maybe not the 'best parenting' but you sound near desparate is to talk to her about it and offer her rewards for staying in her bed. Not grandiose things, like if she stays in bed she pick a video to watch the next day, or maybe you'll bake cookies together, or go to library, something fun. My hunch is she's after the attention the whole ordeal gets her. Setting up positive attention rewards for the desired behavior may work. Good luck!
S.

Talk to her during the day when you are both relaxed about why she does not like to stay in her room. Does she play in her room? Ask her if anything has happened in her room that scares her. She may be spirited and have a need for pressure near her body to sleep. My son has to build himself into a pillow caccoon (pillow all around him and huging on one) to fall asleep. We also decorated his room, got him a full size bed with rails, and made sure the lighting was good for him to sleep.

See if a body pillow helps also make sure her sheets aren't scratchy, etc. Then let her know that she is a big girl and big girls sleep in their own beds. She is getting to big to sleep in your bed. If she wants to be in your room she has to sleep on the floor. My son is 7 and he still comes into my room sometimes but he now knows that he is to sleep on the floor or in our chair. He can come into our bed after 6:30am for snuggles. It will take sometime but be persistent. Also a tip, when you go on vacations do not let her sleep with you..it will start all over. Good luck!

Will she sleep in the same room as her siblings? AF

Hi D.. I too went through this for a while and refuse to go through it again. I breastfed my now 8 and 6 year olds. With my 8 year old daughter we were in Germany and it was my first time breastfeeding so I was lazy, and it was in the winter when she was born and I let her sleep in our bed too to avoid getting up in the middle of the night. When she woke up, I would just roll over and feed her. I eventually paid for it, but not to the extent that you're going through. She continued to sleep in our bed after she started sleeping through the night and that was my husband's fault. He didn't want his lil NOO NOO to sleep by herself if she didn't want to so for almost 2 years she slept with us which I didn't mind because her crib was in our room. But when we moved to the states and she got her own room with her own real bed, that was it....I put my foot down and weaned her out of our room and out of our bed. When our second child came along, once again his crib was in our room but there was no sleeping in our bed. I had a recliner/rocker in our room next to his crib and I got my lazy behind up and fed him in the chair so there wouldn't be any getting used to our bed. I think my daughter would have slept in her crib if I had known that she was probably just cold when I did put her in the crib - the mattress plastic was still on there and the crib was next to the window; dumb old me. Now everyone has their OWN rooms and my son sleeps with his older brother and my daughter sleeps either with them or in her room. I refuse to give up my bed to those bad sleepers but when my husband comes home on vacation, he's in Iraq, I sometimes have to share my bed with all 3 of them. It's his bonding time with the kids and I don't mind for one or two nights, but eventually it's get out of my bed and back into yours. It was hard at first to convince her to sleep in her own room. She would get up in the middle of the night and come down stairs and get in the bed with us. There was no fight or struggle to get her to stay in her bed the next night. I just tucked her in, kissed her good night and left the room. I too watch Nanny 911 and that is an issue that they go through on the show and she started the dad out my setting a 5 min timer for goodnights with each child and after that timer went off, dad had to leave the room and stand/sit outside the door. The kids, 5 total I think, put up a fight for the longest with screaming, hollaring, getting out of bed and she would have him/them put the kids back to bed without any eye contact or a single word spoken and eventually this worked. She said being persistent and sticking with the rules was the key. There were some after midnight door sittings, but she refused to let mom and dad give in to the kids demands. Everyone has their way of weaning kids from their room/bed, but whichever method you choose, just be persistent and don't give in even if it means loosing sleep during the school year. Good luck

First of all, co-sleeping is not to "blame" for her sleeping in your room. As you can see, plenty of parents have co-slept, and our kids sleep on their own.

That being said, I think you would do better if you picked one method and stuck to it. Talk to your daughter, see if you can come up with something that would help her. My kids use an actual light (a small lamp with a very low watt bulb in it) instead of a nightlight because they don't like the dark. We've used "monster spray" (an empty spray bottle), snuggly stuffed animals, and whatever else is needed. Maybe she needs to transition by sleeping on a mattress or sleeping bag in the floor of your bedroom and go gradually into her own room. Just look at all the issues, and decide what you are willing to do and what you think will be best for her and you, and make your own plan, and STICK TO IT!!!! :)

Just an oppinion, not a pro. Sounds like she has you wrapped around her finger. It sounds like she only does it with you because she knows she can control you. If you are not the parent, and dont set the rules now...things will likely be hell later on. It is your house, your bed (lock your door), and you are the parent who knows what is best for her. She is just four...she does not know what is best for her.
We went through every test, and once we put ourselves in charge as the parents with all our sons issues he did MUCH better. He respects us, and feels more secure with strong people who can take care of him. He had been royaly screwed up by his birth mom in many ways. She slept with him. We just made the transitions small, like put the kids together or offer a night light or something comforting in the room. Eventually, he didnt even need that. And...he was 12!

D. -

We are going through similiar problems with my soon to be 5 year old (in September). We have tried numerous things also and nothing seemed to work until now. We just back from vacation and she came to our room after being asleep in her own bed for a few hours. This is normally how it would work. This time we put a sleeping bag on the floor with a pillow and blanket and let her know that she would not be allowed back in our bed. She can either lay on the sleeping bag or go back to her room.

For the first two nights she slept on the bag, and now for the last two nights she has slept in her own bed. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will work.

I have also given her some incentives. She loves clothes and to shop for them. Well all summer long, I have not bought her any new clothes. I told her once she slept in her bed for a week straight we would go shopping. So hopefully this will work out.

I don't know if this will work, but it is worth a shot. Good Luck to you.

I had the same problem with my son when he was little. His dad and I seperated and I use to let him sleep in bed with me. Down the road I met someone then when we decided to move in together I had the hardest time getting my son to sleep in his bed. I tried lying in bed beside him, but then I would fall asleep in there with him all night. So that didn't work. Then one night I told my son that he was a big boy and he had to sleep in his own room by himself. I told him that I would keep checking on him to make sure he was ok. I had to keep sticking my head in his doorway every so many minutes and if he was awake I would ask him if he was ok or say "I'm just checking on you." I had to do this every night until eventually he was fine in his room. He did cry and throw fits, but I reassured him that I would check on him. Good luck!

My only suggestion is to pick a method that feels right to you and stick with that for a good long while. She's a little older so you can explain some things to her. Add charts and rewards and make big deals of small steps in the right direction. Then know this...this too shall pass. Then there will be another thing that you'll have to work on and this difficulty will be a memory.

I'm sure you'll do great!

A.

I believe at her age she is competely capable of sleeping the whole night in her bed. She is feeding off you. When she does the sweating and stuff she gets her way because you get scared... NOT HER. She's fine she has just realized that for whatever reason you have done this and it must have been done for a good reason. Not only has she realized that this stops you from making her sleep alone in her room but you get scared as well. So there must be some reason to be scared.. If there wasn't you wouldn't get scared You are the strongest person in the world to her. You need to stick to your plan. Put her to bed and don't allow her to leave her bed. Put her back EVERY time she gets up and if you choose to give stickers or what not for staying don't settle for anything less than a full night. Other wise you will be redoing it later for a full night. As i say don't allow them do things while they are young what your not willing to accept forever.

I think it's poor parenting when we use words like "controlling" when referring to small children. It's that kind of reflection off our own insecurities that damages the self-esteem of a child.

Children have no ulterior motive. They cry when they truly need something, even it's not something you're willing to give. Our jobs is to give them what they want or find alternatives, but not reject them because we don't want to be bothered.

Co-sleeping is a wonderful idea, and has been for us and our 19month old. It makes the evenings pleasant, safe, and sound for us all. If that doesn't work for you, work around it, but don't continue the fight because until your daughter feels that sense of security she needs at night, you and her will constantly be stressed not just in the evenings, but all the time.

As an adoptee myself, I can tell you she needs even more of your support than you can imagine. That's just the way it is. You're doing well seeking help, and she's lucky to have you.

Try the links and articles here www.mothering.com They've been enlightening to me.

Be well,

~L.
www.notaboutfood.com

I feel your pain, but I would not blame yourself for co-sleeping. I am also struggling with keeping my children in their beds at night. I co-slept with both girls. The rule in our house is that they go to sleep in their own beds. If they have a bad dream, they can come into our room. They have different personalities and treat the situation differently. My oldest is 5, and she always wants to sleep in our bed. She will have a "bad dream" evey night some weeks. My youngest is 2 1/2, and she does a much better job staying in her bed for the whole night. They both co-slept, and because of their personal differences, behave differently with sleeping. Co-sleeping is not for everyone, but is is not a negative thing. You did a very loving thing for your child while allowing yourself sleep! Unfortunately, I do not have a good answer for you. I know some people who allow their children to come into their room during the night, but have to keep a sleeping bag in there for the floor. I have not done that yet, but am thinking about it. I don't stay in the room until they are asleep anymore, but I used to. Then I would leave the room to do something like brush my teeth or let the dog out, and then come right back. I would gradually extend the time I was gone. Now they will fall asleep without me in there. Currently I am working with my oldest who want to up her bedroom for herself. She has to stay in her room at night until she starts kindergarten in August so we see that she is ready for that. As a treat, they are allowed to sleep in our room or slumber party in the living room on the weekends. I hope you get some good advice! I'll be watching it for myself too.

I have had the same problem with my now 6 year old since she was 3 1/2. Her's started with a frightening movie she saw on TV. I stayed in her room way too long and have been waking up with her most nights for the last 2 1/2 years. I went to a sleep anxiety specialist at Children's hospital who told me what to do. I think it will work but I have not been consistant. She said that by being in the room with her for so long it reinforced for her that there was a reason to be afraid of being alone in her room. We first had her start playing in her room with all of the lights on by herself so she would be comfortable in there. After she got comfortable being alone in her room I had to start out (as you probably have done already)sitting on a bed next to her chair until she fell asleep. I did that for 3 days and then gradually moved my chair closer to the door (foot of her bed, half way to door, by the door, outside the door with it open) each night for 3 nights before moving on to the next step. Her response did not affect the position of my chair. She could have a fit for all 3 nights but I still had to move closer to the door on the 4th night.

After that I am supposed to quietly walk her back to her bed each time she comes out of her room. I can briefly reassure her that she is safe each time but not engage in an extended discussion.

In conjunction with this the specialist recommended a sticker chart. I started with giving her a sticker for staying in her room and not calling me more than once and then more stickers for waking up only once and more still for sleeping all night. After a set number of stickers she got some sort of reward (an extra book at night, "Mommy" time, etc.)

If your husband can help by taking your place on the weekends that is a good idea. It gets much worse before it gets better and it takes several months to break, depending on how long you have been doing it. I, like you, could kick myself for letting it get to where it is. If your husband helps you he has to do it exactly the same way you do or it won't work.

And DON'T LAY ON HER BED WITH HER once you start. Good luck. I finally have lost my patience and am being very strict with it. We'll see how long that lasts.