1 Year Post Loss

Can you spend the day with your son? I don't know if you can take the day off, or just get off a little early, but I think that would be a good way to remind yourself of what you still have, a little boy who needs you and loves you very much.
I suggest this in part because I notice that you post a lot about about house stuff, relationship stuff, hobbies, etc. but you hardly ever mention your son, which is a bit worrisome to me. I think it would be nice to spend some special time with him during this difficult time for you. It would probably be nice for him too.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is almost 12 years since my son passed away at 17 days old. You are only one year passed the death of your child. Your grief is still so fresh. Be kind and patient to yourself.

How I have managed.... I looked at it that my son was not given the opportunity to live and that I owed it to him to be OK and live my life to the fullest. I have to believe that he some how knows that had I been given the choice between my life and his I would have chosen his. Since it was never my choice however I just can't imagine facing him some day and saying that I wasted my life mourning his. That would not be fair to my other children, my husband, my parents or even me.
I can also say that with time I have learned to remember him without feeling all the emotions that come when I really think of him. Does that make sense? PM me if you want to chat. <HUGS>

EDIT. My son's birthday is still so hard as is the anniversary of his death. Anticipating the actual days of those events is probably even harder. Do what ever you need to do to get through the day. My husband and I take my girls out of school on my son's birthday to do something special as a family. Not really sure it helps but that is what we do:)

Im sorry. My nephew died at 21 days old.....he left the hospital for 1 1/2 days before going back and never leaving. It was a year last August. My SIL had a really crappy day....she allowed herself that....but than it was over....it had to be because she still had to live. Christmas was hard for her because my daughter is 6 weeks younger than hers that died. I know she struggles with my daughter. But that's not my daughters fault. I feel horrible that i had a healthy baby and she didnt....but there's nothing i can do. There is no handbook or manual on how to handle a child death. So, you need to do what you need to do. BUT you have you allow yourself to live really live for you and your son. You mourn, you grieve, you have a crappy day....then the next day you get up and go about living.

I would also suggest if you are shutting down with your therapist, find a new one. Someone you can open up better with. I could be off base but i know some you click better with.

I am so sorry. I will be thinking about you and sending peaceful vibes your way.

One thing that has helped me through grief is allowing myself to be angry and expressing those feelings in a safe way. Get some old plates and mugs (breakable but not glass) at Salvation Army and chuck them at a wall in your garage (put a tarp down first if you want). Yell and scream and let all that balled up sadness and anger come out, let it have an audible voice. Even if nobody hears you.

It is impossible to imagine "letting go" of that beautiful baby, and perhaps you are afraid of forgetting or feel guilty about moving forward. Perhaps the sadness inside you makes you feel like you are closer to your child. Think about ways to memorialize your child -- a garden or tree, a collection of poems you create, a written memory or blog, a community cause. Don't use the words "let go" -- instead "hold on" in a special way that can bring positive energy to the world.

Hugs to you today and tomorrow and every day.

Take your time to mourn. I know its been a year and from what you said your managing your life well. But the year mark is a hard one for you. Go ahead and have a hard day. Take your time for this moment. Dont allow yourself to dig deep onto a depression. I am sure no child would want that for there parent.

When a special occasion happens we remember it. When a graduation happens we celebrate. We attend weddings and bless the marriage then celebrate. When a loved one passes we mourn. There is a time for everything. This year mark is a time for you to step back and greive for your loss.

(((hugs)))) to you! I have not personally experienced this. I have had a miscarriage, but it is not anything like a stillbirth or death of an infant. I think Cheryl had some great, heartfelt thoughts for you.

My younger brother died 23 years ago, and my parents still struggle every day, but especially on his birthdays and anniversaries of his death. They sometimes take the day and go on a day trip to try and take their minds off of it. They sometimes prefer to keep things business as usual and go about their regular schedules.

Take it hour by hour, minute by minute. If you feel like crying, go ahead and cry. If you feel like screaming and no one else is around, scream. Feel whatever you're feeling. It's OK to feel emotional.

Have you considered joining a support group? I know that Babycenter.com has an online support group for stillbirth/miscarriage, or infant loss. I found out about it when I had my miscarriage in November.

More ((hugs)). Hang in there!

Call your therapist today, and ask for an emergency appointment. Even if you don't think it will help, do it anyway.

Perhaps this is also the time to have the hard conversation about approaching your doctor or a prescribing psychotherapist regarding medication. But do give yourself a week; anniversaries of a death can be very, very hard, especially the first few years. If you are still dragging next week, please consider that this may be grief complicated with depression, and then you need to seriously consider your options of how to go forward in a healthy way which will strengthen both you and your family.

Having had multiple miscarriages myself, for tomorrow: do something meaningful to help you release some of those feelings of anger, disappointment-- at one point, I wrote one of the babies I lost a letter, and then let it go on the current of the river. It was a freeing moment. Miscarriages and stillbirths are horrible things to live through, and it's not surprising that a lot of pain is coming up for you, which suggests to me that your 'shutting down' is about self-protection. You don't want to hurt any more, and feeling hurts. I was fortunate to have a lot of support during my last miscarriage and really needed it; it was also good for my husband that we had a counselor who could see his pain and his perspectives too.

A counselor can help. Medication can take the edge off- temporarily or for a while, while you work through finding some resolution and peace. I will also say this as lovingly as I can: you do have a lot of goodness in your life, too. Try to keep things as balanced as you can (I know it's hard) and please reach out for help.

In addition to a therapist, have you ever considered joining a parent support group of families who have lost children?

I understand that they are wonderful emotional outlet and place to heal. I had a girlfriend that ran one for many years and her story is exactly that of yours. Her son was born and died in her arms a day after delivery. That pain is still very fresh for you. It's only been one year.

Take you son into your arms and talk about something beautiful and exciting with him. Plan on celebrating your lives together, here and now. Come up together with a sweet plan to commemorate. Maybe it's just going out for ice cream and wondering what your little one's favorite flavor might have been. You both can guess.

Ditto Wild One....she's been there.

I'm sorry for your loss.

There is a time when you'll see him again in heaven, but in the meantime enjoy your current child with lots of loves and cuddles. You have the rest of your life in earth to make it the best, positive time you can. With time, of course.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you lots of positive thoughts right now.

I don't think it matters that it's been a year. In your heart it's like it happened yesterday. There's no time limit on grief so if anyone is making you feel like you don't have a right to feel how you feel then they are being unfair to you.

Spend the day however you want. If you want to sit around eating ice cream and watching trash tv go ahead and do it. Be kind to yourself and give everyone in your family an extra cuddle and kiss.

You are a grieving mother. So am I. My son was 3 days short of being 23 years old when he died in a vehicle accident. We don't just get over it and go on with our lives as before. We are only as strong as we can hide our grief and we can't do that all the time. It is ok that you cry for your baby, it is ok for you to be angry, to let your house work go. It is ok to grieve. Some people think that a baby born sleeping or who died shortly afterwards isn't as hard as those who have young children or adult children who died. I think it would be harder in some ways. When I get to feeling overwhelmed or angry over my son's death, I can draw on the memories and his daughter to keep me going forward along this horrible path. My daughter's step grandson died 1 day before he was 3 months from SIDS. The difference between the young mothers grief and my grief was very evident. Not having those memories makes it so much harder. I also found that the second year was harder then the first because the numbness and disbelief has subsided and reality set in. Give yourself a break and know that what you are going through is normal and ok. Don't listen to those who tell you to get over it or say you should handle your grief a certain way. They don't understand unless they too, lost a child. My advice is find a good support group, either online or in your town. Having others who have gone through it will help so much. Grieving Mothers on Facebook has over 19,000 members and has losses from miscarry to adult children. I have found it is very comforting to know others who have gone through it, just as we have. Bless you and may God help you along this path that is now our lives.

First of all, your feelings & reactions are all very normal! Don't feel guilty taking the time that you need to grieve....this could mean taking the day off work and crying in your room all day. Our society tells us to ignore & power through times like this, but that is not very healthy. If you have a support system, or people you feel comfortable sharing with, reach out to them now. We are here for you, but it is not the same as someone who can be there to cry with you and offer a hug. Www.stillbirthday.com also has lots of good resources. Thinking of you!

I'm so sorry. It's very hard to be stoic when you just want to unravel. I hope you get a few hours to yourself after work tomorrow and can let it out. Let it ALL out. And when you're done, be gentle with yourself tomorrow and mark the day. We can all tell how important it is to you. And I think it's important for you to let yourself feel the anger and pain. I hope you come through it alright for your son's sake.

Keep us posted on how you're doing tomorrow. Take care.