Death of Grandmother

My daughter avoids things which she knows/thinks will upset me - I'd guess they are being sensitive to you. Sounds like it would make sense for someone else who they are close to but who is not going to get upset, to talk to them.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I don't think that they are able to express their feelings and that's why they don't say anything. I'm sure that inside they try to make sense of it all. I wouldn't push the "trying to talk about it" too much, especially since it is very upsetting for you.

I would like to tell you a story about my son that touched me very much:

His great-grandfather passed away in July of 2006. My son was 51/2 years old at the time. He never talked about it, but I just assumed the reason was that he hadn't known him very well.
About 8 months later we moved from Europe to the United States. Since my son's first language was not English, he always asked me "what does this word mean, what does that word mean, etc." So one day we drove in the car and listened to music. Once again he asked me about every song what it means. Then the song Fidelity by Regina Spektor's comes on and the refrain of the song goes : And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
So my son asks me: "what does that mean". I try to explain to him as well as I could. He is quiet for a while then says: So, it's like when great-granddad passed away". Needless to say, I just started tearing up (just like now writing this down).

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Grandmother 3 weeks ago...

Everyone grieves differently. While your girls may be upset, they are taking their cues from you. Since talking about her makes you upset, they may be keeping quiet for your benefit. Perhaps have them write a letter? Take them to the gravesite? It could just be that as you find yourself healing, they will then in turn be more open about it.

Hugs.
M.

Dear J.,

So sorry to hear of your loss. It is difficult to try and figure out how to best help your children, while you are grieving so deeply yourself. The two suggestions I have for you are 1) when you are as calm as you can be, ask if they have any questions about her illness, or what has happened, and if there are, answer them as factually as you can, given their age. 2) get yourself a copy of the book: Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie . It is a wonderful way to explain and talk about death to kids. Be sure to read it yourself a few times first, so you aren't too weepy when you read it with them! :-)

Also, as much as you can, talk about your mom casually, the way that I'm sure you normally do. You know: When I was your age, Grandma did this, or made me this, or helped me with such and so. Grandma would be really proud to see you achieve X. When you were born, she did/said XYZ. Look at photo albums with your kids.

It probably is difficult for them to talk to you right now, since your grief is so raw. It might scare them to see you crying. If you are able to say something like "I'm very sad that grandma died, and when we're sad we cry, but I'm OK and I can talk with you" That might help.

You also might want to look into a grief group for yourself for a little bit, so you have a place that's just for you to deal with the depth of your loss.

Take care of yourself!
C.

If they were that close to her maybe you should look into a youth support group nearby...

Sounds to me like they are mourning the loss of a parent moreso then a grandparent. Maybe they need to talk to some people around their age who have been going through the same thing. Some times even the schools have groups like this, but more often you can find them at YMCA's, Churches, etc.

Also consider that they are very young and do not fully understand death yet, so their mourning may be a lot different then yours. I am soo sorry to hear about your mother... my blessings and prayers to you and yours.

I am sure that as time passes it will get easier, until then just keep your chin up and hang in their for the little ones.

I'm a big believer in talking things through and not suppressing emotions. If I were in that situation, I'd want my daughters to see how profoundly my Mom had impacted me, that I miss her, that I want them to carry memories of her, and that you want to honor her life even if it's through tears.

My parents tried to shield us from death when we were growing-up and were afraid of expressing the emotions that go along with it.

2 years ago, when I was diagnosed with cancer, we were just honest. My son was 2, my daughter was a few weeks old. We still talk about it and try to help them understand, but the experience changed my opinion on life and death. As much as we celebrate life, we also need to recognize that death is inevitable, and those who live on need to keep the mourn in the way that best allows them to heal and carry on.

Sorry for your family's loss, I hope time heals the open wound.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom:( Children so young do not really understand death. What they are doing is normal. It sounds like they are not sure what death is and someday they may be thinking that she will return. I lost a neighbor that I was close to when I was eight years old. I never mourned over her, somewhere in my mind, I felt I'd see her again one day. I just didn't understand death like I do now. It is totally okay for you to mention your mom and to grieve in front of them. They will learn sympathy and understanding, not to mention the pain of losing a loved one and how valuable loved ones are. What I suggest you do is to plant a tree or another type of memorial like a garden in your backyard to honor their beloved grandmother. You could also do something like a shrine in your home with her picture and a sentimental item that she valued. Just give them something they can go to so they can remember her.

Sending you support,

M.

J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to go listen to a country song called "Holes in the Floor of Heaven" by Steve Wariner, it is all about a mother passing away and how she is watching over you because their are holes in the floor of heaven, the rain is her tears and the sun is her smile together letting you know she is with you and watching over you always. After you have a good cry I want you to play it for your daughters and then tell them whenever they want or need Grandma all they have to do is look up to the sky and see the sun, rain, snow and know she is right there with them. I did this with my own kids and it helps. My daughter lost a dear friend her junior year in high school due to a car accident in which she hit a cluster of trees. When the class graduated and the kids were leaving the auditorium it started to sprinkle, all the kids in her class were walking out and looked up and said "It's raining, Crystal is here with us, her tears are falling down" and then they went over to the tree which they planted in her memory. Let's just say all of us parents began crying with them. That happened in 2001 and to this day every time something happens in one of their lives the kids look up and talk to Crystal. When my daughter graduated from college she had Crystal's picture in her hand and when she gets married, etc. Crystal will be right their with her in spirit. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped my daughter and her former classmates.
Hugs,
T.

Kids mourn in their own way. You may not see anything until a year after her death. Kids usually show it in school, grades slipping, acting out. Let the teacher know so he/she can be on the look out for anything unusual in your girls behavior. You may want to seek out some kind of group for them to attend that deals with the death of loved one.
Hang in there. This is a tough time for all of you. All the firsts of everything are going to happen and this is the toughest time. (First Holidays without her.)

I am so sorry for your loss! This must be so difficult for all of you.
Everyone processes grief differently. Keep in mind that since your daughters are twins, they may have their own way of grieving together that doesn't include mom. Not everyone mourns by speaking about the person who they have lost. I would suggest letting their teachers and school counselor know about the loss of grandma, who they were very close to, and these professionals may have some resources for you. Good luck, and my condolences to your family.

I'm sorry for your loss. Today is 2 yrs since my father lost his battle with cancer. Continue to talk about your mother and yes you will cry because you are sad. That's ok. They will talk when they are ready but your talking will show them it's ok to talk even if you are sad.

Make sure you take some time for yourself. The process of grieving takes a long time. Feel however you feel and remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no time limit. You'll always feel sad at times but hopefully down the road you'll be able to remember things and laugh about memories.

There is a children's book about grief called Tear Soup you could read with them, and prob others on Amazon I'm going to check out Acorn Full of Memories. these might be conversation starters

They will talk when they are ready. Give them some time. If you must
mention her, always remember the fun and laughs. They too will come
to talk about her with a smile on their face. It will just take time. I am so
sorry for your loss.

It is really good to attend 'grief counseling' or a 'grief support group.'
Children, cannot possibly cope on their own or even know about grieving.
its hard for an adult.... doubly hard for a child.

My Mom, attended a 'grief support group' when my Dad died. It helped her tremendously.....
grieving can take a LONG time....

It is good that they are crying. That is an important part of the grief process. Keep the positive memories of your mother alive by talking about her. Eventually they will look back on the joy she gave them with less pain and anger. Don't give up, they need to hear from you that though it is painful, you want to talk about her.