Death of Husband Thirty Days Ago

J., I can't speak to the loss of a husband, but I cried every day for a year after my mother died. I stopped crying a year later to the day (she died on my birthday, it was easy to notice). Now I rarely cry. On the other hand, my father, who is 85, is still counting the days since she died (over 10 years ago). I think everyone is different, and I hope you eventually feel better.

There is an organization in Menlo Park (or Palo Alto?)
called KARA that does grief support groups for those who have lost loved ones. Give them a call.

It takes time. My mom died in 2005 and I am still crying at the memories. My daughter text me today and said that she wish she could go for her grandmas meat pies. My daughter is 23 and she misses my mom so much. We all do.

It gets easier, but you have the memories, and if you don't have the memories then you will forget and you never forget the ones you love.\

Hang in there, it has only been a month. You need the time to grieve.

My Dear J., I hate to say this but you have just started the path of pain. My husband passed away Dec.6, 2006. After a long and bravely fought battle to live. It feels just like yesterday. I didn't even breath or eat without someone telling me to for the 1st 6 months, and I have been just starting to go through D.'s things in the past year. Just yesterday, I met 2 different people that knew my husbnd but 1 hadn't known he had passed away, the other wanted to ask me questions about why D. had not feared his death. You may never be ready for when this happens-- Believe me I sure don't always handle it well!
You have a million 1st's to live through. Without my friends that have been through this I am not sure that I could have endured the many changes. Recently, I have been "nesting" tossing things out and giving things away, stopped sleeping in our room and have flipped rooms around at home. My sweet friend, sent me an e-mail & I will share what wisdom she gave me. Glenda, your body is starting to feel the pain of D.'s, birthday, and the holidays, coming up & you are going to live and be crazy for a few weeks -- I know that you don't understand why you are doing these things but those of us that have been there do.
J., You are still in the stages of dealing with paperwork, the deer in the headlights look, and all the rest. You are numb, and might not have accepted what has happended on many levals. For me I had to drive nearly 2 hours to the National Cemetary and I went several times a week. After all this time it is still hard to see his name in stone. My dear, please give yourself lots of time. There is no set amount of time that it takes to grieve--I couldn't even get out of bed for months and one of our foster daughters showed up one day with her little one & said she needed a sitter-- it was 2 weeks before I understood that she had come everyday and left our little Chey, . She didn't care that I cried, or just laid down she had me to herself-- eventually I decided to live again and then I had her nearly a year!
I want you to know that I will be there for you as well as others that have been through this on Mama Source. You did something that I couldn't and that was to reach out and ask this question of strangers that you felt that you could trust. That is a mighty big step. Take only one step at a time. If you have children like I do, and foster children that loved him as well, you will find that you don't have the strength to hold them up at times-- thatls alright just be honest about it with them. My children were real heros.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to contact me if you need to. I am truly sorry for your loss. Nana Glenda I need to add a ps to this from my son. He says that talking about his father, made the pain easier to bear. To talk and think about the humor he had and felt. For me I think of dad, as being in charge of cloud formations because he had to have quick projects and plenty of them. Jon.

I lost my husband a year ago and the pain is still there. You need to talk about your feelings which is part of the grieving process. We heal when we talk. Seek counseling or a friend who is a good listener and doesn't change the subject on you. You will run across people who say "call me" and you just can't muster the strength to pick up the phone to dial their number. A bible study group is good fellowship if you can find the right people. I haven't. Cry, let yourself cry. This is also healing and very okay to do. If you hold your grief in or try to "get over it" so soon, you will only damage yourself and grief will only rear its ugly head down the road. I empathize with you as I am going through it too. Hang in there. Time does make it better but only if you go through all the grieving now in the early stages.

I'm so sorry for your loss, J.. I know your pain as I too lost my husband. It was three days after the Sept. 11th tragedy. He was only 32 years old and our boys were 1, 3, and 6 at the time. You are in the beginning stages of your loss. As with me, I am sure the pain feels like nothing else you have ever experienced (or hope to ever again). It was a TREMENDOUS pain fir me, both physical and emotional. And I too could not stop crying. Everything I did too effort, from getting out of bed to brushing my teeth. There was no joy in my life for those first few initial months as I was truly in shock over the loss (and so was the whole world over the terrorist attack on the twin towers). My boys provided much comfort to me and having to take care of their daily needs helped dull the pain some. We were a little team, now having to redefine our existence and continue to move forward without our husband/dad.

I read a ton of books and sought local grief counseling and also onlyne groups. (my husband died of skin cancer so a lot of my support groups were cenerered around that type of loss.). Two of the best books I read were 'The Five Stages of Grief' by Kubler-Ross and 'I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can' by Feinburg. (this book was a tremendous help as it centers around the loss of losing a partner when you are young.). So many of my relationships with people/friends changed. Some grew stronger and others grew apart as a lot of people don't know what to do or say or how to help. Through my experience I also met some amazing women that have also suffered loss and we cherish our connections and friendships.

It will not feel like it now, but I am living proof that it WILL get better. Continue to cry and grieve and hold his memories close to you for as long as you need. Be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself or your current actions much as you will be going through some crazy times over the next months/years, etc. And if the pain gets to be too much, talk to someone immediately. There is a ton of support out there. You don't have to do this alone.

Good luck to you and god bless.
R.

I know that the words "I'm sorry" will do little to make you feel better, but it's the only appropriate response for such a difficult time. With that being said, no one can truly say they understand what you're feeling or going through. Since it's been such a short period of time, you need to let yourself experience the process in whatever way feels natural to you. Cry, scream, sob....let it all out.

If you have children, don't think you should shield them from your feelings. They need to see you cry so that they know it's okay to grieve and not keep their feelings locked away. I would definitely talk to a close friend or family member about how you're feeling.

I lost my first husband 15 years ago. I was 4 months pregnant and also had a toddler and preschooler to care for. At the time, I focused on the children and their needs. I never took the time to truly grieve for my husband. I thought that if I distracted myself with other activities and work, that I could just get on with the process of living. That seemed to work for a while, but almost every night I would scream into my pillow and sob for hours while the children slept. I wish I could go back in time and confront what I was feeling at the moment. Having someone to confide in and share with would have been a big help to me. You have made an awesome first step by reaching out to our community of moms.

I can tell you that it WILL get better. Your memories of him will never fade and he will forever be in your heart. When you're ready, you can put together a memory box or scrapbook to preserve those memories for you and your family. This doesn't have to happen overnight. I just created my first scrapbook of my husband and gave it to one of my boys only 4 months ago. Give yourself time and take one day at a time. I wish you all the best.

The memories are the best part, embrace them. Life is for the living though and don't grieve him by stepping away from life.
How much you grieve is not the barometer for how much you loved him. If the tables were turned, what would you have him do after you passed? Surely you wouldnt have wanted him to live another 50 years just sitting, crying and mourning... that is just selfish.
He's doing something right now that none of us that are alive know about yet, he's on a new adventure, and you must begin your new adventure here as well.
If you are a praying woman, pray for the peace that passes all understanding that God gives those who love him. And reassure yourself that one day you will see him again.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

I lost my daughter 4 years ago yesterday to non-smokers lung cancer. She was diagnosed 2 days after the birth of her son and passed away when he was 4 1/2 months. We are now raising him.

Yes...it is okay to cry still. Slowly but surely you will start crying less. Then one day you will go without crying.
The next day might be a different story again. It is going to take time. You just have to take each day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
What can you do to get past it? I think it is an individual process. If you believe you need help to get past this you may want to look for counseling. Some the our family members did that and it helped for them. There are books that you may find comfort in. Do you have family or friends that is there for you? That you can cry with? You WILL get passed the crying with time.

Memories are a good thing. Keep them alive. I am not sure what you mean exactly by "going through all the memories of husband". If that refers to belongings that hold memories....no need to do anything with that right away. You need to give it time. At first I was not able to look at anything that belonged to her without crying. Now I am at a point that I ask myself what benefit it has to keep some of her items. Slowly but surely I am letting things go. Sometimes I make sure it is on a picture. I keep lots of pictures on my screen saver from her.

Grieve is a long individual process....a different experience for everyone. My husband looked at a lot of websites about grieve. It helped for him. I could not do that....it made it worse for me.
Thirty days is not a long time to have lost someone so very dear to you. Allow yourself time. Most of all, take care of yourself.

Hugs
J.

First of all, my deepest sympathy to you J.. My work for the past 20+ years has been as a hospice nurse caring for dying patients and their families. What you are going through now is very painful, but also very normal. There is a website that I like alot that says it really well and I am quoting it below.

"Grieving is how we process a loss of just about any sort. It is painful, but necessary. Every person is different and there is not one way that things get better. Grief is the most intense and enduring emotion we can experience. No quick fix. No short-cut. An ancient African saying is 'There is no way out of the desert except through it.' Knowledge of the grief process gives us a very generalized map of the terrain we have to cover. Each of us will take a different route."

Bottom line is that we must experience the pain to ultimately feel better. People who avoid it with drugs, alcohol, keeping very busy, traveling, etc. are only putting off what they must do eventually to process their grief. In general, family and friends usually expect us to "get over it" very soon. This is not the kind of thing that you can just "get over". But you can, over time, come to a place where you can go on with life having adjusted to life without your husband.

One thing that can definitely be helpful to you is to learn more about the grieving process and to consider becoming part of a grief support group. Contact your local hospices to find out what is available in your area. Lots of hospices have support groups especially for widows. Sharing with others who have experienced a similar loss can be very helpful and very healing. The best thing a true friend or an understanding family member can do for is to just be there and allow you to express your feelings (no matter what they may be) without judgement and without the need to "fix" you.

My wish for you is that as the pain of your loss lessens you may be comforted by the memories of your life shared together.

Let yourself grieve, there is no time limit. BUT you need to start finding more joy in the life you are living. You don't say whether you have children or not. If you do, it is very important that you remember the BEST about your husband, write your memories down, make a box of mementos both for them and for yourself.

I cannot speak to your loss other than by watching my mother and seeing how she dealt/deals with the loss of her love.

On the 17th of December 1962 my mother was baking for the holidays, surrounded by my 5 brothers and sisters (2 to 15) and feeling a bit stressed because she hadn't gotten out to the store to pick up the Christmas gifts that were waiting. She expressed this in a phone call to her husband and he diverted to the store on his way home from work, loaded the car and headed for home. As he was coming around a corner a drunk driver T-boned him, he flew out of the car (no seat belts in that era) and he hit his head on a mailbox. He lived until Christmas day.
The hospital called my mom to tell her and she decided not to tell the children until the next day. She lost the love of her life that day.
Now, obviously he was not my father, she married again. And she will tell you that my brother and I are two of the joys that came out of sorrow. I still see the shadow in her eyes around Christmas and 47 years later she still mourns him. But she also talks about how wonderful their lives were together and I know that she would not want to ever lose those memories.
It's ok to miss him, to love him still. Take a deep breath and try to find joy in every day....and you will.
Good bless and I am so sorry for your loss.

O, J., I am so sorry for your loss.

Please understand it has only been 30 days... this is something that is going to take awhile to get through. All you can do is take care of yourself and cry your tears and there will be many more tears to cry.

I lost my husband in 2004 (he had a heart attack while mowing the lawn the day between our birthdays) and my current husband lost his 2nd wife to cancer then also. I had no brain... I couldn't remember anything... I couldn't remember where I put anything or what to do or anything. I cried a lot and slept very little. It seemed to me that after the services, life goes on for everyone but you. I found that I tried to appear normal but I was screaming on the inside. I would cry at the grocery store when I would see couples shopping because that's what we used to do. I would look into cars like his to see if he was there.

I don't know where you live... I'm in the Sacramento area (North Highlands) and if you need to talk to someone who has been through it, email me and I will give you my phone number. Also a website that helped me is www.GROWW.com.

This is not something that you are going to get through in a month... but you need to cry your tears and eventually you will move on, although the void in your heart will always be there. Something my current husband says is 'life is for the living.' At this point it is difficult for you to see that... but you will again.

C.

my dear J.

A death of a husband or Child is one of the hardest to have to go through. The crying and memories is all part of the grieving process. I believe that you have to get out your feelings. Prayer is always a great way to recieve comfort and peace. Write your feelings down in a journal. Be sure to make time for family and friends, and dont cut them out of your life while your going through this process.
It will take a long time for the pain to subside, but eventually it will. Of course you will always hurt on certain days, and things, but they will not hurt near as much as it does right now.
But you must recognize that you will be very emotional for the next 6 months, so dont make any decisions about finances
or belongings or property untill 6 months has passed.

REalize that you have to let go but its a process.
Don't tuck all the feelings inside, get them out now
but know that life moves on.
You still have your life to live.
Write a list of all the things your thankfull for and the blessing and be sure to put it on the fridge. add to it as you think of more or more happen.

dont give things away untill 6 months has passed.
But by then, you will need put things away, pack things up,
and send them away. Be sure to keep some sentimentals.
but its not healthy to keep everything the same as if they are still living. that only keeps the wounds fresh and alive. keep some things but not every little thing.

You dont want to erase every memory of them but you cant make your life shrine to them.
people pass on, thats part of life. its hard but you can get pass this.

and you need to make goals. think about stuff that you always wanted to do, but didnt. is it a new hair style,
new clothes, a trip? a class? search your heart, and think of things that you want to do but didnt.
You will need to find you, get a sense of identity now
because now your different. Take this time to work on you.
weather is gain or loose weight, or get healthy,
join a gym, go to church, join a club, whichever.

don't be afraid to ask help from family and friends
If you need someoen to clean the house, ask family or friends.

dont be afraid to ask for help.

If you are having trouble, it doesnt hurt to seek couseling
pick up some self help books,
look for a group to attend to meet others going through this
sometimes funeral homes hold special grief counseling
or activities to help you through the grieving process.

but make time to do fun things
seek out your family and friends
dont be afraid to talk about him
but dont let it consume you

and by all means, be sure to pick up a small promis book
those scriptures will helpyou get through (even if you dont believe in them)

I pray for blessings to come your way.
L.

Dear J.,

To start, it might help to tell us all about your beloved husband (if you feel O.K. with that). I don't believe there is any specific time line when we stop crying about the loss of a loved one...but as we all have heard time is the healer. For me prayer and faith is my comfort.

There is another mama on this site that lost her dear husband after a long happy marriage, She can and will probably offer you more help.

In the meantime, may God bless and comfort you during this very difficult and sad time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers right now at 4:07 AM.

Blessings.....

I don't think there are any words I can say that will even begin to understand the feelings of losing a loved one that close. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's not the same but I can tell you that I too have suffered a great loss in my family. About 2 years ago my nephew who at the time was just 15 months old died from severe head trauma (my sisters boyfriend did it). I did not know what to say let alone even remotely begin to try to understand the feeling of it. I was just there for her as much as I could be. I let her come to me as needed and didn't pry. I can't imagine the feeling at all. If you need to just "talk" I'm here for sure. I know it's hard to deal with but you WILL be okay. She (my sister) has done really well with it. You def. need the family and friends support. I hope you have it. Don't forget, I'm here, I'm praying for you and your family. I really do care.

Hi J. -
I am sorry to hear about your husband. 30 days is not a long time. My dad died suddenly when he was 42 (I was 13). My mom found some bay area groups for widows that were great support groups. Some of them had family days so all of the kids could get together too. I'm sure they are still around. I remember that everyone told my mom not to do anything drastic for a year. It is a hard time to do anything so you can't possibly think clear to make big decisions. Also you shouldn't gid rid of any of his stuff yet and have to deal with those memories while you go through it. My mom did start dating eventually. I think it was 2 years or so later. But I know she spent a lot of nights crying. She didn't really grieve that much in front of me and my sister. She should have though because that helped to bottle up my and my younger sister's feelings. I am dealing with that among other issues in therapy now at age 35. If you have kids, help them with the grieving process too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

J.

Allow your self time, getting over something like a loss of a spouse takes time. There are grief groups in the community that can help. I have never been through a loss of a spouse but I am sure you will find others who have gone through or are going through the same emotions.

I'd be surprised if you have even gotten past the shock, let alone begun to grieve.

Be very kind and patient with yourself. Time doesn't make it go away, but it does make it less sharp. Give yourself at least a year, but take as much time as you need!

You have all the wonderful advice you need from the other moms, I just want to add a hug from me.

. My heart goes out to you, as I type this with tears of sadness drip down my cheeks.. cry as often as you can! It does help and it doesn't ever go away. I'm 32 and when I was 12 my nonnie passed away and I still to this day miss her terribly, as well as my nonno. I can't bear the thought of ever loosing my mom or son, but I can't control gods plan as to when they or I will leave this world. All you can do is keep the memories alive and celebrate his life, the life or lives you created together.

Don't ever be ashamed of your sadness, its real and its true. Life does go on and life always has a plan. Do something in honor of his memory. Share your happiest moments with others. Do what you must for yourself and child(ren). I don't know u personally but I will pray for you and sending many hugs n kisses your way. Hug ur kids hourly!

J.,
I am so sorry,even when I don't know you personally.
I would be devastated!!! 0 days would never be enough time,I don't know if 30 weeks would even put a dent in my feelings!
Try to locate a grief counselor or group to go to.
There are people who can relate better having been thru the same things as you.
God Bless,
Will say a prayer for you

I'm very sorry for your loss. Is there a berevement class you can attend? My grandma just lost her husband of 61 years and started going to one. She did say it made her more depressed the first few times because everyone crys, everyone has a sad story, and some are still mad at the doctors. I understand time will heal. My Gma has the 8x10 from the service in her Living room and talks to it all day. It seems to get her though the day. There are usually services/a phone number to call for help getting though the down days, our funeral home gave us a brochure. We have personally found it's also a little difficult to grieve with family members, because everyone handles grieving differently and may be in different phases of the process. Try to get some outside help, the hospitals and hospice have programs. I can't imagine your pain in all this, may peace be with you.

Dear J.,

My heart goes out to you. I know that this is a most difficult time for you. I am deeply sorry. I am glad that you reached out to others for help. I know their responses will be a source of comfort to you.

I haven't lost a husband, but in the last ten years I have lost many loved ones in our family. We have lost both sets of parents, brother, sisters. I lost my mother and sister within four months of each other. That was a very difficult year for me. I have learned that you need to give yourself time to mourn. It's ok. I would allow myself some time each day to get my feelings out. I learned to "allow" myself that time. I also went to a grieving support group. I found it was very beneficial to be with others that were going through the same feelings that I was going through.

Reach out. Let others be there for you in your time of mourning. Remember there is: "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn".

Your sister,
M.

J.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve. It may come in waves and in various forms of emotions---be patient with yourself. Join a support group for bereavement. Do something special to honor your husband. Draw, paint, cry,talk with others who have lost their spouse. Most of all love yourself through this time and don't be afraid to ask for help and support.

My thoughts are with you~

Molly

J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 5 years ago and it still stings. I have been going to Corstone (formally the Center for Attitudinal Healing)and that has helped alot. It's at 33 Buchanan Drive, Sausalito, CA ###-###-####. Call and speak with Melissa Mullin. They have a family support group that meets on Wed. nights that would be helpful if you have children. Please feel free to email; I would be more than happy to escort you to a meeting.
My thoughts are with you,
J.

I am so sorry for your loss and sorrow. Unfortunately, it is probably just time that you need. Take care of yourself and don't forget to ask for help if you need it. Perhaps a support group where you can share feelings and memories would help you? Best wishes, J..

Hi J.,
I am a counselor who helps people with grief...and I, also, have experienced overwhelming loss. Here are some things that have helped me...and my clients:
1. The best way to prolong a feeling is to resist it. Give yourself permission to howl at the moon when you need to. Really let it all out. You are in the very beginning stages of grief. You're supposed to cry. Alot. This horrible feeling will not last forever. I promise.

2. It's completely normal to have cyclical, obsessive thoughts that you can't turn off when you're grieving. Your doctor can probably help with medication to temporarily help you to sleep. During waking hours...well, I tried many strategies myself, but the best was gratitude. When you catch yourself in the same awful cycle, give yourself the challenge of thinking of 5 things you're grateful for. It seems that sadness and gratitude occupy the same space...and you can't do both at the same time.

Another strategy, which uses the way the brain works, is to center yourself and identify which part of your body feels your emotion the most strongly (for me, this was my heart). Then, just take your attention to another part of your body, say your big toe. Just attend for a few seconds, to the sensations in your big toe. It's amazing how this works...like your unconscious brain forgets what it was grieving about...

Anyway, I hope this helps. And I hope you're getting support in person from your friends and family and helping professionals in your community. My prayers are with you.
B.

Oh hunny, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it might not compare to a husband but when I was a teenager the love of my life passed away as well and I can definately relate to the pain. You are always going to miss him and have those memories and the best advice I can give you is to just let yourself feel everything you are feeling. Let yourself break down and cry when you need to and make sure to surround yourself with the people who love you most. Time will help heal you and give you the tools to cope better, but in the meantime you just need to grieve and mourn the loss. It may not seem like it, but it will get better, I promise. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. Take good care of yourself.

J.: You will need to give yourselve time. I lost my husband 22 years ago, on my birthday is when God call him home. I leaned on my family and most of all I leaned on God. I will not tell you I know how you feel, as I do not, we all go through this in different ways. But God and you family can help. I cannot say that it will go away soon. We all go though this in different ways. I still have times when I cry and miss my husband, but I know that some day I will be with him again. You did not say if you had children if you did. They need you as much as you need them. May God guide you throug this. I will keep you in my prayers. L.

Accept invitations to do things and go out, even if you don't really feel like it.

For me, the grief never completely went away, it just got easier to deal with. I lost my dad at eleven, and my mom still talks about him with us kids, and we still cry about him. Not everyday, but I do think about him everyday, and wish he was here. I think it's good to experience all those feelings even though they hurt, because you need to process it so you can move forward in your life. I don't think I'll ever "get over" my loss, but I can lead a full life and he's still a part of it. I am so sorry that you are going through this now. It may not feel like it will ever get better right now, but you will smile and laugh again, and you will still cry and be sad about him too. Try to surround yourself with people that love you: family, friends, people that you trust and feel comfortable with, that you can talk and cry with. Those are the people that truly helped my family get through that time in our lives. Big hugs to you.

J.-

Give yourself time. It take a while for your emotions to settle. I don't know if you ever get 'over' it, but you do learn how to live again as the survivor. Pick out the best memories, write them down, post them with pictures in a book or have them made to a DVD.

We did this when my brother died suddenly, unexpected. It did not take the pain from losing him away, but it highlighted the good memories and thankfulness that we had him for that time. I hope this makes sense, but the pastor at my brother's funeral said "We have the blessing of grief, for it means we have loved much."

Take care J..

D.

J.,
There are churches that offer classes to help you get thru your grief. You have to deal with it to be able to get thru it. Also, get busy with some projects. You don't have to be a member of the church to be able to go to the class.
My aunt is taking one now because her husband just died last April of cancer, then she lost her father 6 weeks later.
W. M.

J. -

It is ok. Slow down, have your tears. You must have had a wonderful relationship with your husband. I have had many losses in my life, and some that took longer to get over, particularly that of my mother when I was a child. I don't know if you believe in God, but trust that there is a plan for you. You are not alone. If you do not have a circle of support, you call me. I will be your new friend and whatever you are going through, you will get through this. Let the emotions happen, ground yourself in the now, and when your ready to look at the possibilities of the future, there will be one.

If you are feeling more than just emotion and you want to go be with him or you thinking of harming yourself, than you need more help. But what I know is that we are never as alone as we think. Pray, meditate, sing, whatever it takes, but let it all out and get ready to live again. Because you will.

Please email me back or call me if you need someone to talk to.

Much love -

M.
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I'm so sorry.
Maybe it would help to change your routine, and do things you have never done before---to find some small simple satisfaction in new experiences. I am thinking that this loss will bring about a new future version of yourself, and it will be a gradual process...maybe the transition can be smoothed a little bit by opening yourself to the future in small ways, instead of fighting it. My instinct tells me you may be inclined to cling tightly to the past because the present is too painful, and the future is not going to be the same future you imagined...I think it is not just the loss of the man that creates the grief but also the loss of the life you had expected...

Hi J.,
I am so sorry to hear about your husbands passing. I have a friend that lost her husband of about 12 years in March. She has her faith. You should consider finding spiritual help. Find good friends-maybe a grieving group in your area or even online. God be with you.
A.

I lost my sister in July, so I know how hard it is. You do have to let yourself cry it out. It really does help. I was holding it in so as not to cry in front of my family, but one night I was home by myself and just cried my heart out. It helped tremendously.

Also, you may want to see a bereavement counselor, or join a bereavement group. They also have bereavement art groups for kids that really help them. My step son went to one after his mother passed away.

A final option is to talk to your doctor about possibly taking something to numb the symptoms for a little while, so you can function.

All three have helped me a lot, and now I am able to get through the day.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and hope you can find a way to work through the pain.

Oh J., I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My first husband died almost 11 years ago when I was just 24. There's really nothing you can do except allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Grief has its own timetable, its own rules. It ebbs and flows like the tide...one minute you think you're doing okay, and the next you're crying again.

Please feel free to contact me anytime. Even though it's been more than a decade for me, I still feel his loss like an actual physical pain sometimes still.

J.- I am so sorry you are going through this. Using EFT would be very helpful to move past the sadness that is holding you back. EFT stands for Emotion Freedom Technique. It is just tapping on pressure points on your body. I know it sounds like it wouldn't work but I do it and it really helped me to get past the grief and loss with a miscarriage I recently had.
http://www.emofree.com/

You can do it yourself or you can see a EFT instructor. My EFT instructor is also a therapist so I got both together. God bless you and remember to be kind to yourself.

When mine passed of cancer we had a 13 month old daughter together, and it was definitely very hard! I was only 21, completely unequipped to deal with any of these things and our daughter looked like his mirror image. Some of the things that I did I am not proud of, but none the less, 3 years later I can say that I am doing ok.

At first it was impossible for me to be near my daughter. She looked just like him, had his personality, and every time I looked at her all that I could see was him. This is what I am least proud of, but I found myself pushing my daughter away. I needed to cope, and recover, and gain strength, and somehow every time that I saw her all I could think about was him and found myself backsliding, and falling deeper and deeper into my depression. After 6 or so months of this I embraced her, and found my strength for her.

I think that this next part was crucial to my recovery. I made new friends. I kept the friends from before he passed, but I couldn't take the looks, the apologies, people telling people so they would know, when he died part of me died, and I needed to create a whole me. So, I made new friends, people who I told, but these people saw the me that was recovering, and strong, and someone who could move on. These were the people I surrounded myself with because just faking feeling ok helped me feel ok.

Some people go to graves and some people don't. I don't. A plot of grass and a headstone isn't him, and being there isn't something that I enjoy. In the last three years I have been twice, once for the funeral and once to see the headstone. My in laws take my daughter, but I just don't belong there.

Oh, and something else that I did was take a 7 day vacation on the beach in Hawaii. I got through the funeral and got on a plane and left with my daughter, parents and sisters. It was relaxing, refreshing, and gave me a break to get away from all of it.

Good luck, and trust me, you will get through it.

Dear J.,
Sorry about your husband. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Do you have kids? If you do that might help. They are part of him. I lost my father 18 years ago and my brother 8 years ago. Very different circumstances and different grieving (sp?) process. My father was 81 and weak and sick; my brother was 56 and was gone in two weeks (leukemea). Their passing away was terrible and I cry and cry and missed them immensely, I was VERY close to both of them. Only time helped me. I still miss them and cry from time to time but I am able to talked about them and remember things we did together without bursting into tears immediately. I don't know how long you were married to him, but 30 days is not a long time to stop missing him. You are still going through the mourning period. Give yourself some time to mourn his death. Time will help. Hope this helps.

Oh J., I am SOOOOO sorry that you have to go through this. I lost my mother to brain cancer three years ago this December (11 days after my 37th birthday) and it took me until a few months ago to get past the mourning. You have to go through the stages. Unfortunately, there is no way around them. There are five stages (you can look them up online). Everyone goes through them differently and takes thier own time to do it. Be kind to yourself and allow enough time to do it. Also, stay away from drugs and alcohol. I have found from personal experience, it just numbs the pain and puts off the grieving process making it last longer. T.

J.

You don't need to "get past" anything--grieving in normal, necessary and natural--and there is no time line for it. If you don't allow yourself grief, it will come back into your life when you least expect it. Having said that, remember that you are grieving YOUR loss--and that your husband is no longer in pain, is happy and fufilled--and still very much a part of the life of your family, just in a different sense. And remember that he would not want you to hurt or beat yourself up. Remember happy times, not regrets. And allow those around you to hug at will!

S.

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you. I had a family friend go through the same thing. I remember she would stay close to my brother in-law and sister in-law, her daughter. She would openly talk about her feelings to close friends and family members. She also sought grief counseling from a therapist to help her deal with her pain. I believe talking about your feelings with a professional will help you cope with the grief.

I hope and pray for the best for you. Take care.

Hi J.,
Allow yourself the time you need to grieve - like anything else, when you are ready, you will move into a new phase in the grieiving process but you just lost your husband thirty days ago - not much time. Expect that this process can takes years, Nurture yourself, give yourself what you need - take time to make a cup of tea and sit and enjoy it, read a book, take a walk - little ways to tend to the soul. You'll begin to heal when you are ready. I am so sorry for your loss.

My husband died a little over two years ago. I still miss him, but the love does still shine for me to remember him with happiness. You are beginning a new life and it is hard to accept. I tried Grief Share it is an organization through churches. To find out your close Grief share go to www.griefshare.org or com. Your husband is part of your life still because he meant so much to you. It is so much better to have someone than not. However, you will eventually go forward and develop new friends that may have widowhood in common.
Best wishes, D.

Oh my! J. - first off my condolescences to you. 2nd - don't rush yourself. You have a right to grieve for your husband and cry all you want. Even when you least expect it, you will and it will be alright to do so. You have to allow your body and mind to realize what it no longer has. If you rush yourself from allowing to feel, you will not get over your pain as your body is trying to do. There is nothing wrong with crying, feeling, and remembering.
If you need to talk any time, you can call or email me. My private email is ____@____.com me about your husband, tell me about your lives together. Sometimes that will help make it go quicker in your mind. But you have a right to grieve.
Good luck and you are in my thoughts.
T.

Sweetie, the crying will be here for some time. It's better to let it out than keep it in. Try to find time each day to walk or do something for yourself. It will get easier, it will take time. I'm so very sorry for your loss. The Contra Costa Crisis Center has wonderful grief counselors that can help you understand the different phases of grief and help you through them. Please contact them so you have someone to talk to. http://www.crisis-center.org/.

Take care of yourself, it will get easier eventually.

C.

J. - I am so sorry for your loss. In my experience (being in and around cancer support groups for many years), you will probably cry a lot for the first couple of months, gradually easing by 6 months - that will be another hard time but short. You will need to be establishing a new support system by then either reorganizing the prior ones and/or meeting some new ones. Coming in to the first anniversary, you may feel like you can't make it, but I promise you - at 1 year and 1 day it will be MUCH better. The love you feel for your husband will never go away, but slowly your memories will make you happy instead of making you cry. It is important to cry as much as you need to.

As to the children - they will grieve differently. It is important to let them play and have good times - even in the midst of your hardest times.

Grief is normal, but if you are not sure, check in with a support group for you or your kids. Many hospices have them or call United Way or American Cancer Society.

Feel free to email privately if I can be of any more help.

-T. (____@____.com)

Grieving is necessary.Check with your insurance and get into grief counseling ASAP. It will help you understand the grieving process and help you through it. It really helps to talk to someone other than family sometimes. Also check with your dr and discuss whether you may need an antidepressant for short term duration to help get you through the hardest part of grieving. I wish you all the best and that with time you will find an acceptance of your loss and come to a comfortable adjustment to it. It will always be there, but you will adjust and move on with life after proper grieving and time.

I'm so soryy about your husband. I think you need to allow yourself time to grieve. it's only been 30 days, you have every right to cry and think about the memories you have of him. Time heals all wounds mama. It will get easier but it will never ever go away completely. I lost my dad at 12 yaers old and I miss him everyday.

Lotsa hugs,
M.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I agree with the great advice here. Support groups are so helpful at a time like this. Any kind of counseling you can get will be a benefit to you as you go through the stages of grieving.

My only other advice is to take people up on their offers for help. When people ask if there is anything they can do, tell them YES! Their offers are sincere so make sure to let them know what you need. Ask them to bring over a little something to eat. Ask them to stop at the grocery store for you since you are probably very tired. Do you need a little help with your yard or watching your children while you take care of business? Most of all, let them know that you would love for them to keep calling or stopping by to check on you. Sometimes,if you seem to be acting a little withdrawn, people think you need more time alone and they want to respect your privacy. Too much time alone can be hard so make sure to spend some time with people you feel comfortable with.

There are no rules for how long it should take you to get through each stage. Be easy on yourself. :)

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time. Please take care!

Dear J.,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's only been a month. It takes time to heal.
I strongly suggest you get some grief counselling. It's widely accepted that there are 7 stages of grief and having someone to help you recognize these stages and work through them will help you to realize that what you are feeling is normal. Although you will always miss your husband, you can find a way to be at peace and carry on. Thirty days is way too soon to hope that will happen right away.
I hope you have a good support system around you and if not, speak to your doctor or the funeral home about resources. Another wonderful source would be to contact your local Hospice because they should have a wealth of wonderful information for you. Sharing your experiences and reaching out to those who've been through the same thing can really help you through this difficult time.

Don't be afraid to reach out.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear J.,

Since you are on a website named "Mamasource" I will assume that you have at least one child. I cannot know what you are going through or how you feel but, I do know that if you have a child you need to be strong. Seek counseling to help with your grief and shower you child/ren with lots of love, for if you do have children they are suffering in ways you cannot imagine and have only you to turn to. Maybe together in love you will be able to heal. It sounds like you love your departed husband still with all your heart. I am sure he would want you to be brave and take care of yourself so you can be there for your children.

God bless you. I am so very sorry for your loss,
D. Jones

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother 5 months ago suddenly in a car accident and it hurts all the time. I am in grief counseling right now.

Dearest J. I am very sorry for your loss. You don't ever want to forget the memories as those are for remembering and can give you comfort. It would be far worse if you had no memories. I am sure your husband would want you to live and be happy. You can get great comfort from God if you find a church and surround yourself with Godly people. Many have grief programs and it helps to know you are not the only person experiecing loss. Reflect on the good memories andkeep living cause you are still here.

Hello J.- I am so sorry for what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. Be sure to surround yourself with friends and loved ones during this time and let them help you with things. Allow yourself this time to grieve and you may even want to go see a counselor to give you some useful tools. You could even join a support group. I know it's an extremely difficult time for you so please spend time with friends and family. I wish you peace very soon!

I am so sorry for your loss. To read your simple sentence gave me goosebumps and made my heart hurt for you. J. I am sending you all the prayers and positive energy one human being can muster. Someday you'll find that you went a whole day without crying. Whether that is three weeks from now or a year from now, either is fine. I pray for you that your healing will come in being able to remember, with love and smiles, all the memories of what you shared.

Please give yourself time. You will have good days and bad days and there will be days you feel like you can't go on, but you can and you will. I became a young widow 4yrs ago. My children were 6 and 4 at the time. I lost my twin brother 7wks prior to my husband and they were my childrens only male role models. I have no other immediate family as I lost my parents when I was young. I found a website shortly after my husband passed away, you might want to check it out. www.widowswearstilletos.com I am very sorry for your loss and ask that you seek support anywhere that you can. Don't shut that support out like I did. Give yourself time and its ok to cry and its ok to remember.