You are not alone- obviously with a new business and everything else that goes into a family BOTH of you probably have your own reasons to feel underappreciated and neglected. However, in my opinion based on your plea - your husband is acting like a spoiled, selfish child. I find men can be self-absorbed and it appears your husband may have forgotten he has a whole family and not just himself to be concerned about. Have you been able to communicate in the past? Maybe what you two need is a night away from the business, kids whatever, just a time where you can talk, without getting angry, and maybe even have a laugh or too and then see what happens passionately. I know, it is hard to want to have sex when you are not in the mood, but it takes two and your husband needs to wake up and appreciate you for not only helping out in the new business but being a full-time mom too! (men have no idea) You can't make yourself responsible for the way your husband is feeling, but you can take control of the way you are feeling. Good luck and remember LIFE is short, so Live While you can!
I think all men have this idea in there head..."If my wife is to tired to have sex with me she is either not in love with me or she is having an affair". We as woman are not allowed to be tired from work/chores/kids,etc. They don't understand that sex for us is not always a tension releiver but rather sometimes another chore. For men it dosn't have to be sensual, all it has to be is the act (or lack there of). For most men it could be the 5 or 10 minute act that does the job. Sometimes, for me, I find it easier just to write those minutes off my day when I see my husband is starting to get sexually frusterated. He knows that I am not doing it for myself but rather for him. Which makes it work out for both of us because ( let's be honest) I would much rather him get it done quickly. So my theory is.. get done what you need to do so I can go about my business. It sounds a little cold but let me tell you when I do that for him he really appreciates it. Then when I am in the mood....whaaahhooo ...his job is 10X's harder. So you see my fellow lady friends, we all have reasons for doing certain things to get what we want. Let me tell you it is a great trade off...5 or 10 minutes compared to 2 hours....WELL WORTH IT!!!
Don't worry you are not alone. I know you have had a ton of responses, but I too have an easily frustrated husband, especially when he is sexually frustrated. Actually for the guys I think that the lack of sex even makes it worse for them as does adding the "chore" at the end of our day for us! I agree with others, that just take the time to give them the five minutes that they need, it really makes the situation a ton better. For as tired as you are, just think, a few minutes dedicated to his need will remove all that extra stress of going to bed angry at each other! Believe it turns into a really easy solution! Its really no different than us wanting a romantic gesture or a comforting hug/kiss when we're stressed out! Just gotta put yourself in the guys shoes! I have found that it is difficult b/c by the time the kids are in bed and you can be alone, I'm am so tired I just want to fall asleep. But if at anytime there is a moment in the day when you are home alone or the kids are napping or at a friends house, give him a quickie! I once read that a man loves nothing more when they are stressed out to come home and have their wife "take control" if you know what I mean. Believe me i know that it isn't easy with the kids, I have a 4 and 2 yr old. But if you can even make the time to have them go to a relative or friends house for the night and surprise him before he comes home from work! It will change your entire household! Put it this way, sex is great for health and your marriage and stress is realy bad for both. Just like you may put in a little extra effort to eat healthy or exercise you need to look at sex the same way! Its really true! and more important find what it is that you like out of sex and focus on it ti could not only relieve some of your stress but also make it not so much a "chore" for you! Hope i helped! I totally know where you are coming from, have been there completely! good Luck Jennifer
Honestly, it sounds like more than just a sex problem. It sounds like the two of you are having a hard time connecting and actually communicating on a meaningful level. My guess from what you have said is that you are both feeling a lot of stress. It, also, sounds like in the past you have been the one to listen to his gripes and help him through his stress. When you fell asleep, he may have resented not being able to share what was going on with him emotionally either in an active or passive way. He had spent a lot of time in the office all week and was under a lot of stress.
I'm not trying to make light of your stress or all you have been through this past week. I'm a stay-at-home Mom who works part-time from home and does most of the work in raising our three beautiful children (8 year old daughter, 3 year old son and 6 month old son). Ours is the hardest job there is out there. There is no job more stressful.
However, I've also learned that in general, most men have a harder time multi-tasking than women and they tend to make things into competitions. In other words, you think your week was stressful, listen to this.
Why don't you try talking to him again? Tell him that you know he was upset the other night and that you feel you aren't truly communicating. Ask him if he would be willing to try something new with you so that maybe the two of you can both have a better understanding of what is going on in your lives and what is bothering the other one.
My suggestion is that you both get a piece of paper and write down what in your lives is bothering you. Write what you think is the bothering the other person. Also, write down the things in your lives that you are happy with. Also, what it is about the other one that made you fall in love. Try to bring up your problems while also pointing out the positives in your lives.
I don't know if it will work for you but I think it would be worth trying. Perhaps he is listening to you but just not in an effective way that you can sense.
Good luck. I hope my suggestion helps. BTW, sex is the key issue with my husband and I. I have a very small sex drive and we have a hard time finding a time when neither of us is exhausted and the kids are asleep or out in order to connect in that way. It is something I am currently working on and hope to make better. Even if the two of you only manage to bring up what needs to be worked on and reach an understanding that you are going to try, it may relieve a little of the stress on both of you.
You have to read this article. It is awesome and helps you understand sex. Men and women have different emotional needs. This is written by a marriage counselor who haas written for newspapers and has several marriage books published. There is also an awesome book called the 5 love languages that is awesome to. Here is the link for it. (See if you can get your husband to read it to).
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=5a63ef960417b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
you are not the only one
Hi Stephanie!
You are not alone. Most any married woman goes through it. But I will pass on this to you. Marriage is work, sex and all. I understand your tired but maybe if you set aside time for just your husband and you after the kids are in bed things wont be so bad. He needs you too. I know how you feel. I also know that all the advice you'll get you may foofoo. But remember this.... your husband is your BIGGEST child. You cant forget him. I do know from personal experience that if you take care of him (like you promised to) then he will take care of you. Marriage is a give and take. I also know that it can be very hard especially if one or both are tired and/or angry. But love and let go. Search your heart and try to remember what you love about him. What first attracted you to him. I know thats hard too but it helps. I hope things start to go well for you before too long. Good Luck!!!!
Dear Stephanie,
This is a struggle I've been having throughout most of my 13 1/2 year marriage. My husband also feels angry and hurt and rejected when I deny sex. He seems to always approach me in the kitchen when I'm busy, and it's next to impossible to conjure up feelings of intimacy. I've learned over the years that he needs sex just as I need to talk out my hopes and dreams with him, but talking about why I don't want to have sex at the times he is ready to, is next to impossible. So, for the past few months, I've made a point to either approach him on a Saturday or Sunday, when the kids(ages 5, 9, and 11) are occupied, or I'll hint to him ahead of time that I'm planning for a time to be intimate with him after the kids are occupied, and he likes the fact that I'm thinking about him.
Like you, I tried to explain myself and defend myself to my husband, after he'd suggest sex, and it only turned into an extremely frustrating and heated conversation or all-out fight. From that, I learned not to talk about it at that particular time, but to find a better time when we're both relaxed and getting along. However, even finding a time like that has become impossible, because I just hate talking about it with him, because of his reactions. His reactions are always very defensive, and he responds in a way that makes me feel there's something wrong with me that I don't always want sex like him. So, I've pretty much avoided talking about it with him, because he doesn't try very hard to understand me, as a woman. And that's his problem. I've stopped letting him make me think there's something wrong with me. I've had to train my mind not to believe there's something wrong with me, and talking to other moms who feel the same way, plus praying without stopping, has helped me a lot. It has also helped me to realize I can't own my husband's anger. If he's going to be mad at me about something I've really thought through and am trying my best, then he's just going to have to be mad. I can take it now, and I know for a fact the anger won't last too long - usually he's not angry an hour later.
I realize I sound a little crazy here, not being able to talk freely about this with my husband, but it's the best way for me. It may not be the best way for you - you'll have to be the judge of that. No two couples are the same, and rarely do a husband and wife think the same way on every situation in marriage. It's important for us, women, to sort of research and understand for ourselves, how men think, in order to protect ourselves, even though the thought may not even cross our husbands' minds to research how women think. Some men are willing to attend marriage conferences or retreats that include the subject of sex. Is this a possibility for you? I know that childcare would be needed, not to mention a husband who is willing to attend, and face the dreaded "unknown!"
I have realized how selfish and impatient my husband's father was when my husband was young. This contributes to my husband's behavior, and helps me be more patient. However, I also realize it can't be a constant excuse for him, and he should have faced this issue and dealt with it. Again, though, I can't force him to face his past issues, but I CAN pray! There are a lot of things to think about here, and it hasn't seemed fair that I seem to be the one doing all the thinking. But look at this as an experience that you'll be able to help someone else through. Even if you continue to struggle with it, you can still share your understanding and empathize with other younger moms, and help them feel NORMAL when their spouses are making them feel CRAZY!
Sincerely,
Cindy Phillips
It is so nice to hear someone else with the same issues.My husband and I have been together for fifteen years. (married 10) We have two children ages 3 and 7. There are some days I am so tired, not physically but emotionally drained. He doesn't get it. Sometimes I will have sex even if I don't want to just to keep the peace.Don't get me wrong I like sex,just not as much as he does. As women we are expected to cater to everyones needs and I think we are forgotten sometimes. As far as advice sometimes we take a little alone time when he gets home.My husband gets home at 4:30.We put in a movie in for the kids. Or on the weekends we have what we call nooners. Again put in a movie for the kids, give them some popcorn, it keeps our kids occupied. I hope I have helped. Write back if you need more help.
Dannielle
Wow, been there, still doing that! Men and women view sex differently. Men look at it as comforting, reaffirming, a wind down from the day, a necessity. Women think "Oh great, one more thing to do after a totally exhausting day!" I just read two books that can help you. My husband and I counseled through our Pastor. Regardless of your religious preference, I think this can help you and your husband both.
For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn
If you'd like an immediate way to check it out, here are websites to use.
www.4-womenonly.com
www.formenonlybook.com
If and when you do read them, then switch books so you can get an idea of what things your husand has discovered. Of course every marriage is a constant work in progress. But these have helped us immensely. Praying for you as well! Chris
It's normal to get upset or mildly agitated when a person is denied sex(both men and women alike) but to get angry and sleep on the couch and things of those nature is absolutely absurd. You need to have a sit down with him whether he likes it or not, Just tell him that after you say your piece he is more than welcome to say his and try to come to some agreement. As we are only getting your side of this, how often do you actually have sex?? Are you always too tired, if you are this is probably the reason he is frustrated. I am not saying how he goes about it is right but fact of the matter is this, a healthy relationship is not solely based on sex but it is a healthy part of it. It can often be a big reason many relationships, marriages etc. have problems. I am not saying give in to his every whim but try and come to some type of balance where both of your needs, whether physical, housework etc. are being met. good luck!!!
From personal experience, sometimes if you suck it up and 'help him out' he tends to turn things around and listen more.
When guys get full of sexual tension, they can't handle it well. Since our son was born, I forget when we last had sex, I may think it was a few days, low and hold, it was almost two weeks! I figure this out when I notice how pissy he is.
I know it sucks and you probably put up with crap all day long. You cook, clean, work, and bend to everyone's whim to keep the family rolling, but give in and it will help. Talk to him when he's not so full about how he gets and hopefully he will understand better. I can't see you having married an arrogant bastard and sticking through it, so hopefully he will understand and things will change. Just don't try and change his mind when he's pissy!
GL, if you need to talk, feel free to msg me.
~me
when our girls were younger my hubby was the opposite he didnt want it. and for you both it gets better when they get older! but try to set time out for him, after kids go to sleep,or napping . thats the best you can do even if its just one or 2 nights a week
Men are wired differently than us women when it comes to sex. For a man, sexual release is a major stress reliever, it is for us women too but on a different level. Let him know that if he wants to relieve his sexual tension by masturbating, thats ok with you. Men just plain need it more and when they get it more there is a physiological change in their stress and they are more likely to respond to us better.
Try to find an hour where you and hubby are rested and alone and then talking about it will help. Tell him you understand his side too but you are feeling the same way. Come up with ideas on how to have more time together away from the business (I know this is hard, my hubby is self employed too)
See if there are any family members or friends who can help you a little with house cleaning or babysitting in barter for some favor or something you can give them.
Just remember, you are not alone!
He sounds like he's acting like a chick! LOL There's no reason why you need to feel bullied into having sex. No means no, simple as that. Women have hormones. Women approach sex differently. We have different needs than men. If all he wants is an orgasm then buy him some Playboys. I would have a talk to him about what you need and what you don't need. He may balk at you and tell you you're nuts and all that, but at least you'll know you've done your part and you can roll over and go back to sleep!
Honestly, I would say that a counselor could be very helpful in facilitating conversation. The issue of intimacy in your marriage is an important one, and its health is indicative of other important issues. It sounds like you guys are under a lot of stress. If your marriage is worth fighting for, you'll want to keep tabs on these issues early on so that they don't grow and overwhelm you later. My husband and I have benefited so much from Crossroads Counseling Center (717-285-4843). They have a sliding fee scale if you feel like you can't afford the full rate. I think I have a pretty good marriage to begin with, but it is getting so much better with the help of a professional!
Take care,
Lindsey
Omg…I deal with the same issues with my hubby. We could have the most incredible day, and BAMM! It is like some but wipe took over. Its like its beginning to make me feel uncomfortable and insecure. He will be so immature… for example if I’m tired or not in the mood one night, its a big deal. So, perhaps the next night I will try to initiate sex, he will like try to pay me back and act like a drama queen, and say he’s tired and don’t feel good. To me there is just no winning this battle. I thought I was alone in this dilemma, I feel much relief reading my husband is not the only asshole out there. I really wish he’d grow up. What they don’t understand is that they make sex an issue. Instead of just being rational and understanding, if they were they more than likely get more sex.
Ok, let me start by saying I’m not a mom, I’m a dad. I’m in
the same situation you described, but I came to this website hoping to figure
out what my wife is going through emotionally and mentally so that I can find a
solution that is acceptable to both of us. (Before you ask yes I’ve talked to
her about this several times and she struggles communicating to me how she’s
feeling on most things I can see where she’s coming from even when I don’t
agree with her, but on this issue even after listening to her talk about it on
multiple occasions I just haven’t caught the vision yet so I came hoping that
if I read what a bunch of other women said about the same topic maybe I can
start understanding what she’s going through.) As I read through your questions
and all (yes I read them all) these answers I just feel like I need to respond
even though I really don’t belong in this forum.
My response is 2 fold
1st I’d like someone to help me understand what
it feels like to you, both mentally and emotionally, when you’re not in the
mood, for whatever reason, and he really wants it.
Is it like another chore similar to doing the dishes and you
just don’t have anything left to give (this is the feeling I get when I listen
to her or read things, but when I watch how she acts she doesn’t act the same
way as she does with dishes or laundry)? Is it something completely different?
If so is there any way to describe it such that someone that hasn’t experienced
it (me) can at least partially understand?
2nd while reading this I got the strong urge to
explain to all you women how things are from our perspective (hoping that if
you understand where we’re coming from maybe it’ll help you figure out a
solution that works for you and your husbands.
We’ve been married 6 years and we have 3 kids. The youngest
is almost 1, but the problem isn’t new it started between the 2nd and 3rd and has gotten worse after the 3rd.
I’m the kind of guy that would like things to happen almost
every day. However, I understand that my wife is not that way so I don’t even
try for almost every day. I shoot for 3-4 and would be willing to compromise a
1-2 per week as long as it was at least sometimes twice and never less than
once (at once per week it gets really difficult for me)
As it stands it’s been almost 2 full weeks as of today. I’m
not a psychiatrist so I can’t tell you why things are this way for me, but I
can tell you how I’m feeling and thinking and what I’m doing about it.
When this started I was shocked because for the first 4
years it was almost as much and as often as I wanted and she seemed to enjoy
things almost as much as I did. Then we had a couple of stretches where for 1 reason
or another it just wasn’t possible more than 2x. It was really difficult for me
and by that I mean I was very difficult for me to concentrate on anything
besides when I thought it might possibly happen next or what I needed to do to
instigate things again.
After these instances we went back to normal, but it slowly
slid into her rejecting me more and more frequently and things happening less
frequently. As things happen less frequently it’s harder for me to focus on
anything else. Then if it’s been a long time and she rejects me it’s the most frustrating
thing in the world. I don’t know why it is cause in my head I think “it’s not a
big deal I’ll just go to bed and sleep it off” and I go to bed and the frustration
just escalates and gets more and more unbearable especially when she’s laying
right next to me. At first I started doing research online and found many
sources talk about choreplay. In other words as many of you have said in the
responses above when women and tired and overworked it’s hard to want to do
things. So I took it upon myself to make her life easier on multiple fronts. 1st I’ve taken dishes fully upon myself (I do them over 90% of the time) I also
sometimes help with the laundry. I also get up with the kids at night 90% of
the time and since I don’t have to leave for work till 8:30am and my son
usually gets up at 6:30am I just started getting up with him and doing
breakfast with the kids and letting her sleep 2 hours more than I do (she
naturally tends to need more sleep). She’s a stay at home mom so she doesn’t
have a career to worry about, but I know that dealing with 3 kids by yourself
for 9-10 hours straight (minus naptime) isn’t easy which is why I was willing
to try doing all of the above to help ease her burden.
Not only did this NOT improve things, it didn’t even
stabilize them and things continued to slowly occur less and less frequently.
This is where things really started to get incredibly hard
on me. I’d go to bed and the fact that she had just rejected me and was then
laying there next to me (usually wanting to cuddle) made it so much more frustrating.
You have no idea how crazy this made me. It got so bad that I literally couldn’t
fall asleep right next to her and I would lay there with her getting more and
more frustrated and even angry and there were many nights where I knew I would
never be able to get to sleep and I’d lay there until she fell asleep and then
I would go sleep somewhere else and just make sure to set my alarm early enough
that she wouldn’t know I left.
Every time she rejected me it got worse and over time it got
to the point where I felt like she didn’t love me and I felt like she was just
using me to make her life easier (she always wanted kids and she never wanted a
career she told me while we were dating that the only thing she wanted to be
was a mom). My head would tell me that wasn’t true because she wouldn’t want to
cuddle with me and watch movies and play games with me after the kids went to
bed if she didn’t love me, but I can’t control how it makes me feel I can only
control how I think so I’ll tell myself over and over that there’s just
something going on that makes her not want to do such things most of the time.
When we do things she really seems to enjoy it too.
I wondered if maybe I wasn’t doing enough to make things
less stressful for her so I started finding entire days where I don’t work and
making things easy on her for an entire day. The latest one was 2 days ago, it
was a Saturday and I arranged for a babysitter to come at 10am. I helped her
clean the house Friday night so that she wouldn’t be embarrassed when the
babysitter showed up. I then took her to the mall so that she could buy some
new clothes. We then went bowling (her favorite activity) and then we had lunch
and ice cream. When we got home, we put the kids down for a nap and I watched one
of her favorite shows with her. At about that time my daughter got up (she
doesn’t always fall asleep sometimes just lays there and listens till the music
ends) so I told my wife to enjoy some time by herself and I took my daughter
and we did things together. When I son got up I played with the 2 of them. My
wife heard the baby before I did, but when I heard her in there doing diaper
changing I went and relieved her. With all 3 kids up I took them to Walmart and
did the shopping. I then came back home and cooked dinner. If you haven’t
picked up on this yet when I do these days I sometimes go all out. Then I
decided I didn’t want her thinking that I did it all just for sex so Saturday night
I kissed her and cuddled her till I fell asleep. Sunday (yesterday) I had a
couple of meetings I had to go to, but I was only away for about 4 hours and while
I was with the family I’d say I took about 70% of the load. BOTH Saturday and
Sunday after the kids were in bed I popped in a chick flick because I know she
likes them and I was trying to make a concerted effort to get something to
happen Sunday (in other words 2 day effort to try and have fun once) After the
movie we started getting ready for bed earlier than normal and I started.
Within a few seconds she was telling me to stop and back off. I tried to have
fun with it and made another attempt, but she wasn’t having any of it. Finally
I gave up and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth. She told me not to
get mad, I told her I wasn’t which was true as I was feeling some very strong
feelings, but then were frustration not anger and I was trying very hard to hide
them.
It’s getting too much for me to imagine dealing with long
term. If I could find a solution even if it was one that is difficult short
term, but then makes it better I’d go with it. Yes my wife says the same things
as all the other wives from what I’ve read online “I’m tired” “I have a
headache” “I don’t feel like it”
I have spent many nights wondering if I’d be more happy
divorced.
Yes I’ve talked with her very openly about this several
times and it’s always the same result the next day she initiates and then the
day after that we go right back to how it was before so that doesn’t solve
anything.
If any of you have any thoughts as to what I could do to
improve the situation I’d love to hear about them. Also, if you read things
like
“It was really difficult for me and by that I mean I was
very difficult for me to concentrate on anything besides when I thought it
might possibly happen next or what I needed to do to instigate things again.”
and your thought was something like “he’s the one with the
issues” then my response is, I recognize that and it’s one of the reasons I
haven’t packed up my stuff and left for a day or 2.
If you can help me get the vision from her perspective (even
if there’s not a great solution available I know marriage is sometimes hard)
maybe that will help me deal with it a little better and not get quite as
frustrated.
I hate responding to questions like this (even though I’m a woman & it would seem women would appreciate advice from other women whom understand.) Not to mention it is so much more I’d like to say. I highly recommend this person you both research & maybe view toghther in regards to marriage. His name is: Mark Gungor
But what I want to say personally I will (and you will not like it). Give your husband sex regardless if you feel tired. Then bring up after not denying him sex your needs. It’s a 2 way street. One of the most basic neglected (on male part) needs in a marriage that can easily dealt with. The day he does not ‘bother’ you for sex anymore is when you should be concerned. I hope you will receive this truth well (although i wont hold my breath but I still hope). It might save you much regret in the future (assuming you are heterosexually inclined lol in that all men functioning normally & healthy want sex & need it to feel close to the woman they have committed to).
Updated
I hate responding to questions like this (even though I’m a woman & it would seem women would appreciate advice from other women whom understand.) Not to mention it is so much more I’d like to say. I highly recommend this person you both research & maybe view together in regards to marriage. His name is: Mark Gungor
But what I want to say personally I will (and you will not like it). Give your husband sex regardless if you feel tired. Then bring up after not denying him sex your needs. It’s a 2 way street. One of the most basic neglected (on male part) needs in a marriage that can easily dealt with. The day he does not ‘bother’ you for sex anymore is when you should be concerned. I hope you will receive this truth well (although i wont hold my breath but I still hope). It might save you much regret in the future (assuming you are heterosexually inclined lol in that all men functioning normally & healthy want sex & need it to feel close to the woman they have committed to).
Updated
I hate responding to questions like this (even though I’m a woman & it would seem women would appreciate advice from other women whom understand.) Not to mention it is so much more I’d like to say. I highly recommend this person you both research & maybe view toghther in regards to marriage. His name is: Mark Gungor
But what I want to say personally I will (and you will not like it). Give your husband sex regardless if you feel tired. Then bring up after not denying him sex your needs. It’s a 2 way street. One of the most basic neglected (on male part) needs in a marriage that can easily dealt with. The day he does not ‘bother’ you for sex anymore is when you should be concerned. I hope you will receive this truth well (although i wont hold my breath but I still hope). It might save you much regret in the future (assuming you are heterosexually inclined lol in that all men functioning normally & healthy want sex & need it to feel close to the woman they have committed to).
Hi fellow Mama…
I’ve pondered over your question for sometime – not because I didn’t feel I could answer, but rather I wanted to be sure that I could address the question in the most comprehensive manner. I am a relationship counselor on the east coast of Australia, and I have practices in three major cities. Many of my patients come to me during their final quest to save their marriage. You would not believe how much of a factor intimacy and the denial of intimacy by one spouse is in marriage breakdowns – it is without a doubt the single most common cause of marriage breakdowns.
Firstly, to narrow down this narrative I’m going to make some sweeping generalizations; yes they are not the case in all circumstances, but they are patterns. Firstly, I will write this as if it is the wife who denies her spouse sexual intimacy (be it occasionally or often) and it is the husband who is failing on the communication side of things. This is not always the case, but all too often is.
Now, in my professional opinion – the atmosphere has become too politically correct to discuss this issue candidly. I take great exception to the claim that communication breakdown is the root cause of flailing intimacy in a relationship, rather than it being the other way around. The two are completely intertwined – to try and identify which causes which is as ridiculous a question as “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”. The reality is one irritates / stifles the other, which in turn further irritates / stifles the other, which in turn infuriates the other. If you wish to end up divorced, you should keep asking yourself this question and not do what you know in your heart you need to do - and I can guarantee that sometime soon after your divorce is finalized, you will realize that on this particular issue, the ball was completely in your court. You had the ability to single-handedly save your marriage – but you didn’t.
People have been crucified in modern times for far less blatant opinions – that’s the problem. We’re all expected to close our eyes to a glaring reality that has its roots in biology.
Now, I am not suggesting at all that wives (generally) do not have every right to push their husbands to communicate better and to challenge their husband’s inadequacies as such pertains to communication (and non sexual intimacy for that matter - some husbands fall short in this department without doubt). They should and they must. But doing this while you are denying him the sexual intimacy that he needs is like pouring gasoline on a fire with your left hand, while trying to extinguish it with your right hand. Eventually your extinguisher will be consumed in the raging fire and you’ll end up with two burnt hands. I’m not sure that married couples - or any partners for that matter, should become overly concerned or overly focused on “who is right?”. Surely what is important is the overall health of the relationship.
I would like you to do a test – the next time you are physically intimate with your husband, for the following 24 hours pay close attention to his behavior. I can and confidently assure you that in the vast majority of cases, you will find him to be far more amicable and caring within that window of time, than he usually is outside of that window. Now imagine if, you were to initiate intimacy with your husband tonight - that’s right, you initiate it. You make love to him like you used to, before the burdens of “real day-to-day life” hit home - and then, imagine if you initiated a conversation with your husband about the concerns you have about the breakdown of communication in your relationship IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU MAKE LOVE TO HIM. I can confidently assert that your husband’s willingness to discuss this and attend to your concerns will be far greater than if you were to try and do it at any other point in time. That is the first reality. The second absolute reality is that there is no worse time to try and initiate this conversation than when your husband comes to you trying to advance sexual intimacy. I.e. Your husband comes to you wanting to make love, and instead you deny him such and tell him that you want to discuss his lack of communication / lack of non-sexual intimacy and the effect it has had on your desires. These two realities tell you exactly what you probably already know – yet have not done because of the general human attributes that are stubbornness, selfishness and self destructive tendencies.
Now - after you’ve done this on day one, repeat it daily (WHETHER YOU’RE IN THE MOOD OR NOT) and I guarantee you that you will soon see an engaged, caring husband making real changes. And with your newly invigorated, caring and intimate husband - what may initially seem like a daily grind will become something BOTH OF YOU look forward to.
So again I want to reiterate, this isn’t about saying who’s right and who’s wrong – this is about me telling you that you as a wife have the ability to save your marriage – not only save it but improve it greatly. If you can get past those barriers – the stubbornness, the selfishness, the pride - you can take control of your relationship and get it back on track. Anything worthwhile takes effort - instead of keeping scores and boiling over what you see as an imbalanced scorecard, realize that he inevitably does the same - then think about your husband’s positive attributes - do you love him? Do you want to share a healthy, happy and strong marriage with him? If yes, realize that women are far more emotionally mature than men, and because of that - you need to control the situation. You can’t rely on your husband to find a way to bring about productive change on this issue - you need to put it at his feet and I guarantee you the vast majority of the time, a husband will respond positively. Otherwise, you’re simply leaving the fate of your marriage to the instinctive and rather primal tendencies of your husband – and that never ends well.
All the best and I hope this advice can help you.
Mel B.