Hi Stephanie,
My husband and I went through something very similar. We started going to therapy and it really helped. We are not good communicators and the therapy sessions helped to draw us out of ourselves. I don't know if your husband would be willing to go with you, but you could also start by going by yourself to work some things out. My therapist is Terry from Arbor Counseling in Narberth. Good luck.
-Maria
Hey Stephanie!
I do understand! I'm a mom of a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I've been so fatigued and tired that I went to the doctor to have my thyroid checked 'cause I was sure there was something wrong, but nope, it's just from being a mommy of two, a wife, a homekeeper, etc, etc,. I can surely tell you that I am rarely in the mood anymore and I struggle with the same issues. But the one thing I have learned from previous marriage counseling and conversations with my husband is this...I feel loved by my husband when my needs are met by being nutured, hugged, appreciated for the amount I do with the kids or a comment on how nice the house looks and especially when he comes in and HELPS with something in the house like the dishes or bathtime etc. When he does those little things for me I feel so loved that even when I'm exhausted I want to meet his need. Trust me I am not always in the mood and occasionally once we get started the stress of my day does melt away and sometimes I say let's just do a quickie!
What my husband has told me is that the way he feels loved and appreciated and is motivated enough to meet my nuturing needs is to have sex. He needs his sexual release in order to feel close and loving. So it can turn in to this viscious cycle of not meeting each others needs because we are too tired and they are too angry.
Ok, I said all that to say, although it frustrates me sometimes, I have to understand that men and women are wired differently and they tend to access their nuturing side if they have sexual release, so it requires a bigger act of selflessness on our part to try and turn the cycle around. But, I think if you can muster enough energy to initiate a few times, and make him feel really special for all the hard work he is doing with the new business and acknowledge all those things, then hopefully he will be able to give back to you in the ways you need and be more in tuned with your daily stresses. Love for your spouse isn't a magical feeling you just always wake up with, sometimes it's a choice we deliberately make every morning when we turn over and see them lying there. Sometimes we have to choose to love that person we married and sometimes we have our hearts full of the warm fuzzies and marital bliss! But I really believe love is an action and not a feeling.
I know some would say it's just you giving in to his demands, but If you can look at it as a action step for getting what you want and desire I think things might get better, or I pray that they do. Sometimes we have to be the peacemaker in the relationship. I hope this helps a little. Blessings from one frazzled mommy to another!
Oh Boy this is something I deal with all the time. I know exactly how you feel. I have been married 21 years with my husband for 26 I am 43 years old. Sex is really the only reason we fight. Which I can't understand why because honestly this is a little embrassing for me, but we have sex every night. The problem is if I don't want to he gets really upset with me. So whether I want to or not I do it just to avoid confrontation with him. Believe me I tell him how I feel about it, but I always end up giving in. The problem is if he goes to be early, I have to go to bed early. Early is like 8 - 9pm and I have two teenagers 12 & 13. Who do not go to bed until 10pm. So here I am at 43 years old being told to go to bed, My parents never told me when to go to bed and that is no lie. Iknow how you feel about wanting to tell your husband your needs. They don't get it! As long as their need is fed everything should be fine. I would love to just one night be able to lay in bed and just snuggle without the sex. You know what I mean? Or just talk. We have a basement that is under construction now for 8 years I wanted to talk about that but he gets angry. He does that for a living so he does not want to do it on weekends so I guess I need to hire someone, since he wont talk about it.
My point is this, you are not alone. I sympathize with you seriously!
A little about me:
Married with 1 son 13 and a daughter 12.
Hey there, Stephanie -- I hear ya...
* There is a GREAT book out there "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I strongly suggest, becuase the issue is never just about sex, it's how you both feel loved and appreciated between each other! This easy-read book is great about dissecting how we each feel and show our love language differently. I know many marriages that have turned around because this book changed the way they approached each other with their needs. Once these needs are met, sex lives are jumpstared again, but with a deeper sense of connection, intimacy, understanding.
* And something that works for my hubby and me - we have a 'meeting' once a week to go over our calendar ahead, review the past week and deal with anything else going on. I also take this time to be honest and tell him things like: I really felt alone when he hung out with all his guy friends at this party or next time both kids are this sick, I would like him to take a personal day off from work...etc. Asking out of the emotional moment and staying just factual at your 'meeting' keeps my husband less defensive and more receptive to my needs. And he does the same with me! That's worked for us... and we're 9 years and counting!
I hope things turn around for you both -
:)renee
Hi Stephanie,
After 15 years of marriage I finally got my husband to realize that the best forplay is when he cleans up the kitchen after dinner. It pays off because at 10:00 I'm a little less tired and willing (happy) to have sex.
I think women are more willing to have sex if they feel their partner is not taking them for granted and is willing to chip in with the household/family duties.
Good luck!!
Heather
I understand your feelings. It seems as if you are both stressed. Marriage is not a competition, but it may be in your husband's background that he has to "one up" you whenever you try to explain your feelings. I don't understand why men don't realize "foreplay" starts at the beginning of the day. If a man makes his wife feel appreciated, loved and cared for all day long, she will much more often "be in the mood" at night. In a quiet, calm, loving way you might try to convey this to him.
Hi Stephanie,
I understand what you are going through. Many women go through the same type of situation with their husbands and vice versa. And it is difficult to try to understand and trouble shoot what is going on when you yourself are stuck in the middle of it. My strongest advice to you is to dig a little deeper to find out what might be the REAL reason you both are feeling the way you are. What I am saying is that with most marriages, there is a lack of communication between husband and wife and what is really causing the problems at hand. When I say lack of communication, I am simply saying that you BOTH have the need to feel loved by the other and neither of you are getting what you need. There are different types of Love. I know that may sound crazy, but it's true. What makes you feel loved is not necessarily what will make him feel loved. It is important to find out what makes your partner feel loved. Now, you may say, "all my husband wants is sex", but what it sounds like to me is that your husband feels loved by physical touch. There is nothing wrong with that, but that's not what makes YOU feel loved. I can't tell based off of what you wrote how you need to feel loved, but I know for a fact it's probably NOT physical touch. It might be him telling you how beautiful you are or how much he loves you. Or, it might be him bringing home a little something for you every now and then. Or, it might be him helping you with the houshold chores. If I had to guess, it sounds like you are the first that I mentioned which is words of affirmation; him telling you all of the things that you need to hear to make you feel loved.
I don't want to write a book here, but if you want to try to resolve this and do it with hopes of success, I suggest that you purchase a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It has brought many marriages back together and I suggest that you both read it or at least read the sections that are related to each of you. It has helped my husband and I immensely. It takes a lot of dedication and selflessness to continually think how the other person needs to be loved. But, if you both are concious of eachother, then you will find a very gratifying and wonderful marriage as a result.
May you both find happiness... and Love,
Janelle S
Your definetly not the only one to feel that way! Unless your hubby's a real hands on dad they don't really ever truely appreciate what it takes to run a household and raise (especially if they're little)kids. It's also normal to less of a sex drive after having a baby, more so if your nursing.
Stephanie,
You are telling my story and I have to tell you this runs so much deeper than sex. I cannot stress to you enough that you two must seek some counseling - now - as this situation is just starting to develop. You are both feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and resentful of each other. This can only fester with time. I wish I would have been give this advice - but I wasn't and we continued on until I woke up one day and realized that all of the love, respect and affection we had for each other was now replaced with apathy and anger and no desire to fix it. Life is very stressful - you need to get the skills and coping mechanisms to help you find a way to understand each others positions and support each other.
Best of Luck to you,
Henry
I will start out by saying that you are totally normal (and so is he) for feeling the way you do. I do not think men really will EVER grasp the enormous task that being a mother is. They just aren't made to. However, hopefully y'all can learn to work as a team, instead of working against each other.
This will probably sound unorthodox, but if you begin to meet his needs more, he will do the same for you. One of you has to start and consistently CHOOSE to love, no matter if your own needs are being met. It is sometimes a difficult choice to act out, when you feel so angry. But, it works. I know, I have done it.
My husband and I have read a great book called the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In it, he discusses (through 12 years of marital counseling notes), what he found to be the 5 main needs that people complained about that were not being met. They are: Words of Affirmation (praise and thank-you's), Quality Time (spending uninterupted time with them), Gifts (little goodies), Acts of Service (taking out the trash, vacuuming, etc.), and Physical Touch (holding hands, not just having sex). Dr. Chapman explains that when our main love language is not being spoken to us, our "love tank" gets emptied and how we need to learn to speak the OTHER person's language, not speak our own to them. Often, couples have different languages and this causes a breakdown of communication, anger and unforgiveness.
This book has been a great help to us even now that we have been married 6 years. Our first child arrived last August. I work out of our home, tend the baby and my husband does construction and side jobs as well. We have an extremely full and busy life. I was basically starting to feel like I wanted to leave. I wasn't getting any help with the chores since he was busy working for everyone else, but I was left out. Since I was angry, I certainly wasn't going to tell him he was doing a good job!! My love language is Acts of Service and his is Words of Affirmation. Once we revisited our languages, we have both been making an effort to speak the others' language and things have been a great deal better.
One other thing, since I have gone on and on!! Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes. He is probably nervous and fearful about the new business going well and how he will provide for you and the girls. He also may be feeling a bit of a failure because he knows he hasn't been helping, or spending time with you and the kids. Men are often more sensitive and fragile than we think, or they EVER let on. Most of the time they don't know what they are feeling, let alone how to express it! I know it is like pulling teeth to get my husband to talk most of the time.
I am sure you know the REAL issues have little to do with whether or not you are having enough sex. That is just the way it is coming out. Y'all need to talk, forgive and CHOOSE to love each other. Maybe you can get a housekeeper to help you with all the chores? :)
Hang in there!
Hi Stephanie,
When reading your post, it was almost as if I wrote it myself. I know exactly what you are feeling. I was married to a man that would do exactly what your husband is doing. I had two children ages 4 and 3 and I worked full time. I was blessed enough to have help from my mother watching the kids during the day while I was at work. However "work" was a break for me. My day really started when I got home. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids and my husband, preparing everything for the next day - I was EXHAUSTED by the time the kids were asleep. All I could think about was crashing! My husband would come home from work, eat dinner, relax, watch TV and drop hints that he needed me to "take care of him". When I would tell him how tired I was and that I could use his help around the house, he would just throw a fit saying he would help more if I would have sex more. He would get angry, start arguments - sometimes so loud that he woke the kids up. He slept on the couch many nights, and when he didn't I would pray that he'd fall asleep before me so that he wouldn't bother me "take care of him". This went on for a long time before he became aggressive and started to demand that I do it because I was his "wife". I'm telling you all of this because although your situation may not be as bad as mine was, it certainly sounds exactly how mine started. This is a form of emotional abuse and NO ONE should have to deal with it. The emotional and mental abuse can quickly turn into sexual or physical abuse. I would highly suggest talking to your husband about going to counseling. I know how you are feeling right now - the more he pressures you the more you don't feel like being intimate with him. Counseling may or may not help, but it's definitely worth a try. As for me, it became so stressful that I separated from him and eventually got divorced. I'm married to a wonderful man now and NEVER feel obligated to "take care of him". It's something that comes naturally when you don't feel neglected or unappreciated. Another suggestion, make sure you take time for yourself. It's so important to feel good about yourself and when we are so busy taking care of everyone else it slips away from us. If you would like to talk privately, feel free to contact me. I've been there and it's a horrible feeling I know what you are going through.
Gina W
Stephanie,
Your husband is being very selfish, not to mention childish. Yes, you both are very busy and you both have needs, the first of which should be to listen to one another, not just you listening to him. If he wants to take his pillow and blanket and go and sleep on the couch, so be it. I know it is probably upsetting but honestly, do you want to have sex with your husband just so he wont be mad? That would be a terrible life. My advice is this: Talk with him about the situation and explain that you are tired, that doesnt mean you still dont find him attractive and whatnot, it just means your tired. Does he have to have sex every night? If so then he needs to find someone else if that is not how you work. Men can have sex if they are mad, sad, happy, whatever. We women on the other hand need motivated and need to be in the mood, we arent like men. So take all of that and add EXTREME TIREDNESS on top of it....NO WAY! So talk with him about it and if he still doesnt get it, have him buy a pull out sofa bed. And as far as you are concerned, close your eyes at night and sleep soundly, you did NOTHING wrong.
Sincerely,
Cortney S.
You are not the only woman with this issue. I too am a SAHM with 3 little girls (5,3,22 mo), it does take a toll on me to run the house and care for the children everyday. My hubby works later hours so I am totally dead by the time he gets home. Is your hubby willing to put the children to bed so you can take a relaxing bath and try to muster up some energy...sometimes a little alone time can help! This is something many couples struggle with, we all just need to keep the communication open with our spouses. Maybe set a day that you know will be "open" for you and your hubby...do less that day and rest up :o)
This is a very common experience between couples. There are several things going on here. Typically, part of this is a struggle for each person wanting to be right in the situation, which then can only mean the other person is wrong. And the battle of right/wrong will never end in positive resolution - it will simply go on and on. When I partner with couples/families as their coach, there is a fundamental tool that we spend a great deal of time on - accountability - the ability to account for the choices I have made or am making. Looking at choices from a neutral place - like rewinding a video film looking only at the "concrete" facts, not the emotions, assumptions, etc.
So, I ask, with all that you both have on your plates, where is your accountability for each of the items/tasks? Everything on your plates, you chose to have there. This may sound harsh - but think about it. There was a choice to have children, there was a choice to start a business, there is a choice around the home chores (excellently maintained home versus a perfect one, done by you or bring in help), etc. In looking at all of the things on each of your plates, are there things you can choose to remove to free up time and energy? With the things you choose to keep, can they be handled differently?
Another thing to consider when looking at your filled plates is whether those things align and support your family values or go against your family values. This first assumes that you and your husband have discussed exactly what your family values are, what they look like for your family, etc. This is another way to lessen the right/wrong arguments - as arguments become very different when the disagreement includes how the conflict aligns or not with your family values. So, if you both agree that you value family, and yet you have no time to be with each other as a family, outside of daily neccessity time (meals, dressing, baths, etc.), then what must change to get in alignment with your value of family?
My best to you!
Ginny
I think that is the smallest description of oneself that I have seen yet. It really doesn't tell a lot about you, it defines your responsibilities. Your husband and children. Sometimes I think that's best and I'm sure your husband isn't reading Mamma source, so you're safe. You really put a very personal and private issue out there and I hesitate to give an opinion. It sounds like your relationship is in trouble and I felt I would give a little heart to your situation. It's difficult to know when to give in and when to hold your ground. I pose you this question, do you love him? Does he love you? Do you feel bonded, partnered in a relationship not the business not the children; each other. Do you want this relationship or is it so one sided that he actually makes you not want the love making; and sex, well that's what it is when two people just want to get off. It happens more often than we know. Only you know the real solution look in your heart for what is best for you. Sincerely Pep
you have every right to feel fustrated. he needs to understand that you have been dealing with two sick kids this past week. may be he feels like the kids are getting attention from you and he is not. make a date night and see if you can send the kids off for the night with a relative or a friend. Make sure when you do send them off to take a nap so you are not tired and wear something extra nice for him. May be this way you would both feel excited and be able to focus on each other and not the kids. i hope this helps and if you need to talk any more email me at [email protected]. Denise
Wow! I feel your pain except my situation is a little different. We have 2 small kids, 2 and 1 and he will make references to how little we have sex but yet he falls asleep on the couch around 8:30 after the first child falls asleep and I'm up with the other child until she goes to sleep. I end up going to bed and he comes to bed much later after getting up off the couch and then he's up again before I wake up. I'm never in the mood for it anymore, I don't know if it's a hormone imbalance or the fact that we work together and are around each other too much or what so the lack of sex doesn't really bother me but even if it did, with our night schedule, I don't know how in the world we would work it in anyway. I've always heard that if a man wants to have sex with his wife at night, he better start romancing her in the morning. Sounds like your husband (okay, mine too!) isn't exactly doing that. I don't think men understand (or ever will) what a mother/wife goes through in any given day. I have had strep since last weekend and my husband pretty much spent the entire weekend watching the kids because I was worthless. I could sense the nerves wearing thin and he's used to taking a nap on the couch watching TV on the weekends and that definitely didn't happen so maybe he got a taste of what my weekends are like. He did laundry too, or started it, so I do have to give him credit for that. I guess I don't have a solution for your problem, but I do sympathize. I know the more they push the issue, the more we tend to buck it. Good luck with everything!
Communication is important and yall really need to listen to each other. Try to go somewhere away from home and talk. Inside the house may not be a good place to talk or when you each are frustrated and tired. Men basically unfortunately don't have a clue to what women need and what they want. And some will never get it. There are so many marriages that are ending in divorce and that is very sad. I believe marriage is compromise and couples working together. And most of the time woman end up doing and giving more in the relationship than what they bargained for. I remember my husband working two jobs, spending most of his time working. It was mostly the children and I doing things together without him. And now he is disabled not able to do the type of work he use to could. We are growing apart. I've been married 21 years. And I no longer really want to be married to my husband. He's a nice guy but just not the man that I need in my life. I want to be married to a man that can love me and who I enjoy loving just as much. I want to be married but to a man that I don't believe exists. I have felt like I am more of a nurse and caregiver than a wife. Nor do I feel that I have a husband that is capable of loving me. My husband has quite a few health issues, plus he is deaf and has loss his hearing from meningitis and tumor. Because of his health issues he has been impotent for several years. It is a miracle that we produced three children. I remember those days of being too tired to make love. And sometimes what I did was take a nap during the day or before my husband got home. Is it possible to have a family member or someone that will help pitch in sometimes with the children. And some things you may have to let go of doing until your children are older. You're human and can't do it all. Not to mention you need an outlet to do somethings by yourself and for yourself that you enjoy. Do you have a life outside of your children and outside of your husband. Men are basically selfish creatures. For me to get through all of this I have to read the Bible and pray often. It is my relationship with God that has kept me from losing my mind. And even if your husband does not pray for you. Pray for him that God will help him be the man that God has created him to be. Have you guys thought of counseling. My husband wouldn't go. But I went alone for me to have someone to talk to and help me put things in to perspective.
I pray things work. I love hearing about couples in love. I write and read about relationships, romance and love.
blessings,
Lynda
Oh honey you are so not alone in this. I am one of many, many women out here. Mother of 4, SAHM, financial rut, emotional, mental and physical rut as well. Mine does the same exact crap. How I deal---silence. It's not the best thing or answer. I have no idea where my life will take me since I have been torn for so long as to what to do and ultimately what's best for the children.
Balled and chained....with children, 9, 6, 2 &2! ;-p!!!
Stephanie,
Don't feel like you are the only one who has ever gone through something like this! I have a feeling that a lot of women do. My husband and I went through something like this in December. After arguing I don't know how many times and going to bed with him upset about not having sex and me feeling like I've let him down, I got some wisdom from my mother-in-law. She told me to put my husband first and make him feel special and in return he would treat me like I was the most important thing in his life. So, I tried it for a week and I have to tell you, our marriage has never been as good and our sex life is fantastic! I have made it a point, that no matter how tired I am or how unattractive I may feel at that particular time, I initiate sex every other day. My husband is very happy and when he's happy, so am I. It has also brought us a lot closer emotionally.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that things get better!