Husband angry when I deny sex...HELP!!!

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
1

Lately I have been feeling very neglected and unappreciated by my husband. Granted, the past few days he has been putting in an EXTRAORDINARY amount of time with the business he just started (which by the way, I have a hand in running too). But just this week alone, I have been stuck at home with 1 sick kid, another kid who is miserable because she is teething, not to mention all of the household chores/duties that need to be tended to. So just last night, I tried talking to him about how I am feeling, and all he wanted to do was turn it around on how he feels...how tired he is...how neglected he is...how unappreciated he is. I feel like his every response to a "sexual suggestion" is always what I NEED to do for HIM. And whenever I mention that I have "needs" too, it always get pushed to the side or he changes the subject. I usually just end up walking away, because I have learned that arguing about it just isn't worth the time or energy.

For example, last night, I was so exhausted/tired/run down that I was falling asleep on the couch by 9:30. And of course the response I get from my husband (in an almost "hateful" tone) is "You are going to fall asleep! Why don't you just go up to bed!" So I knew right there, that the rest of this night would be turbulent. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, and by the time I went up to bed, he was laying there all pissed off. We layed in bed for a few minutes (I guess he was waiting to see if I initiated something), and when I didn't he got in a huff and went and slept on the couch the rest of the night. This isn't the first time...in fact, I have lost count on how many times he has gotten pissed at me because I am too tired, or just not in the mood to fool around or have sex.

I guess I just want to know that I am not the only woman who goes through this. And certainly any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance for your help ladies, and sorry for rambling on. I just needed to vent!

2

Sometimes I feel like I could have sex once a year and be o.k. yet once we get started, I really enjoy myself. Your absolutely right that when you are exhausted both mentally and physically sex is the last thing that enters your mind. My husband, like yours, feels neglected and dejected from this as well. I spoke to a person at our church who is a friend as well as a marriage counseler just to vent and what she told me surprised me. She said that in a happy marriage, women want to be loved and men want to be respected. In men's minds, respect is thanking them for providing income for their family and having sex frequently. Men require more sex than we do. She essentially told me that by having sex more often (I hate to say "force" yourself but it is what it is) you'll have a very happy man who in turn becomes much more loving towards you. I thought I was giving up my "self" by doing this but I gave it a go. WOW!! My husband responded like I couldn't believe! I write him little notes in his lunch to thank him for being a good provider and I initiate sex much more often. When he is in the mood I try to always give in. It is difficult sometimes but honestly if your marriage is not happy...your kids suffer the most so do it for the kids! I have also found that I have more sexual energy in the morning so I try and get him to do it then...before anyone wakes up. Good luck!

3

Stephanie,
I am not expert on this by far but have been through exactly what you are going through. This is an opinion take it or leave it.
Men feel rejected when we decline sex with them. That is how they think-point blank. They feel through sex what we feel through romance and feelings. Until you both except that, you will keep hitting a wall. I know all about doing household chores and paying bills and dealing with a sick child but your spouse is just as important too. Things do not have to be perfect and done all in one day. Sometimes the last thing we need or want is sex but they have needs as well and too many times we think well if I don't get what I need then he shouldn't get what he needs. That thinking is all wrong and causes havoc on marriages. I read a book called "Is that all he thinks about?" By Marla Taviano. It really opened up my though process and I realized how much I was doing and thinking the wrong way. Yes, your needs have to be met too and they will be.
Again, this comes from a woman who was in your shoes but not anymore.
Good luck!

4

Another thought too... my husband and I both feel less stressed and much more emotionally linked after having sex. So even if you don't feel like it, it just might help out with a lot of your issues that you both are currently dealing with (new business). On the flip side, some of what you write does concern me. If he is using sex to manipulate you then that is probably something that should be addressed between you two or professionally. Try opening the lines of communication about what you've noticed, maybe even after sex (he may be more willing to talk after sex). Good luck.

5

1st yes men sadly think of themselves first and usually need sex more often then us gals.

Once in while you both have to compromise, but no way should you just give in to each time.

You should have gone straight to bed and fell asleep.

Have u 2 not had it in weeks? months? or is it like he wants it each night and only gets it a once or twice

sounds like the 2 of you need some time alone, get baby sitter go out to eat and relax, or therapy.

Your needs just as important and should be acknowledged.

6

I would talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel....It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

7

Dear Stephanie,
Having grown up in a family where my parents were always fighting and sleeping in separate rooms at times, I know that this is something your kids will pick up on. Even if you are not arguing in front of them, they will feel the tension between you. I strongly suggest you get some counseling for both of you. If your husband is unwilling, it may help to have some for yourself. I've learned over the years that men are not good listeners, and only want to fix things when you tell them how you feel. Sometimes their way of fixing things is by having sex. On the other hand, they need you to listen to them without trying to fix things sometimes too. It sounds like you both are feeling underappreciated. Whenever I feel like my husband is not being empathetic towards how hard it is to be a SAHM, I leave him with the baby for a few hours and go out to do something nice for myself (ie. nails done, haircut, something to make you feel pretty). He usually appreciates how hard my job is very quickly, and I get a much needed break. When you have a break for yourself, you might have an easier time listening to him complain and may even be more interested in sex. You can also show him how much you appreciate him by doing something nice/unexpected for him. I think the most important gift we can give our children is a healthy relationship with our spouse. Maybe a weekend away (or even a date night once a week) without the kids would help you reconnect in a positive way. Enough of my rambling. I hope this was helpful. Good luck.

Julie W

8

Hi Stephanie, I was in the same place you are now just a few years ago. I felt neglected and exhausted at the end of everyday and my husband would be furious that I would fall asleep or not feel like it. I know that it's the hardest thing at that point in your life to make yourself get in the mood but I think at least sometimes you should. And when he acts the way he does it probably makes you want to scream but it won't help. My son is 8 yrs old and just the other night I told my husband that I was feeling like I was getting sick and I wanted to go right to bed (after work at 11pm) so I could get a good night's sleep and he threw a fit. It won't change but it will get better.

I agree with some of the other mom's comments. First, you should definitely get some alone time with your husband. This will definitely help. Try to schedule one date night per month if you can or more. Second, unfortunately, I think they are right about needing to take care of his needs first for him to take care of yours. It stinks...I know, but I have been fighting a no-win battle for 8 yrs. When I give in or I initiate, he is so much happier and more affectionate toward me. Try it for awhile and see for yourself. I think all moms go through what you are going through at some point but that doesn't make it any easier. I hope you can make it work.

9

Hi Stephanie,

I have been married 9 years + lived with/dated husband for 3 prior for a total of 12. I have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy.

The simple answer to your question, via my husband, is the only thing that matters to him is a clean house and sex. He has been telling me this since day one and it's only the last two years that I have listened. Before that I used to feel offended, but now I finally get it. And now that he gets regular sex, even the clean house has been less important. It took me forever to realize he has differnet needs than me. And they are just as important as my need for understanding and love.

Now I will say that we never have sex at night now. I am always too tired or I feel the time after the kids go to sleep is mine. So we have been more creative about finding time to spend together. If the kids are home and awake I set them up with thier favorite tv show and popcorn. Now that my son is in preschool we try to find a time in the afternoon. We have date... Lunch and a nooner my husband says.

What makes it more special is that I am not stressed, I get to relax and even enjoy the attention as well as giving my husband attention.

The best part of this, is that the rest of the day my husband is happy and more engaged in the family, more helpful etc.
He is more open with attention and affection towards me and ultimatately gives me what I am seeking without even asking.

The last two weeks he has even wanted to spend more time together talking without sex. He is no longer the frustrated, defensive or shooting off little digs. Our relationship is much improved and we are more of a team.

I will also say, I always thought I would be a working mom, and since I have stayed home I have become more and more thankful for this opportunity. I waited before having kids and am now in my mid 40's. I treasure the time I have taking the kids to events and spending time making memories with them. I used to feel unappreciated, but now I am focusing
more on what I have, and how lucky I am to stay home.

I tend to forget, living in an 4 bedroom house in a fairly affluent neighborhood, that most people do not live like me and that I am extremely fortunate to have a husband that can make and income to let me do so.

And that said it really took me 10 years to get to this conclusion. So hang in there. There really is a reason you married this guy. And you will find your way back there.

My best to you.
Carol

10

When I was at my National Training with Slumber Parties our guest speaker was Dr. Laura Berman. And what stuck out in my mind was 2 things. First, is that women need intimacy for sex and men need sex for intimacy and by not getting our needs met we will hit a stalemate situation. Secondly, that you should be having sex about every 2 weeks or so to keep your relationship healthly. Even it means you have to give it when you are not in the mood. So have a date night. Also have a Girls Night Out!!! Sometimes us just being able to be ourselves for a few hours can change things. It has been mention that a few hours with our girlfriends can change your libido. Why you ask? Because when we spend time with our friends, we are not Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, Chef and all the other hats we wear. We become just Stephanie because that is who we are to our friends. By the way, I help you have a wonderful girls night out.

Also has your sexual activity become routine? When ours did, I stopped wanting to have sex. I knew how it was going to begin and end. It wasn't fun from me anymore. It just seemed just like another chore for me to do. I let my husband know that is how I felt. So we started to try new things, places and so on. Change the routine.

Is his timing always when you go to bed? Let him know that he can't wait until you are going to bed for sex. Try having sex at lunch time or when the kids are taking a nap. Or one more wake you up to have some fun before the day get started.

You are not the only one out there have this type of problem. There are thousands of women going through the same thing. I know I was one of them. I hope all this advice helps you with husband. If you want to learn more about Slumber Parties you can visit my website at www.SlumberPartiesbyAdrienne.com

Good Luck with Everything

Adrienne

11

Wow! My sister-in-law and I have these exact same discussions. It sounds like a page out of my life. I understand what you are going through.

I think counseling would be a big help. If he won't go then consider going for yourself. You might seriously consider the advice about finding it in you to meet his needs. I've been given the same advice from others, including my SIL who is now separated from her husband. She didn't follow that advice and her husband became frustrated and had an affair. Anyway, I know it is difficult to do, especially if you allow yourself to think about how unfair it is that your needs aren't being met. Try not to think about that. More important than who makes the first step is putting your relationship back on a healthy track. You make the first step and see if your husband's attitude/behavior changes. It may not change overnight so give yourself a few chances. I have limited success with this because sometimes I am so pissed off at my husband's attitude that I can't see past it. On days that I am really tired, as soon as I put the kids to bed I tell him that if he needs some attention we need to take care of him now because I will be asleep in an hour. I notice a little bit of a difference in his behavior but like I said, this is still a work in progress for us. Good luck to you.

12

I think EVERY woman, or at least mom goes through this. Its a very difficult situation. Woman are comforted and feel satisfying intimacy through emotional fulfillment, but men NEED physical fulfillment. I think your husband's repsonse was unnecessary and hurtful. He should express to you his feelings rather than huff and separate....but we are talking about men here who don't easily express their feelings. I would suggest talking it through with him. Be ready to sacrifice and fulfill his needs. I know motherhood is tiring (I have three with one on the way:), but we cannot let our marriages go during these years. They must grow. You can think of a different nightly routine. Get the kids down and play a game or have some good old conversation vs. TV watching when you just fall asleep. I'm not saying never watch TV, but be more choosy about it. Ask him to be more concerned about fulfilling emotional needs and then you must be willing to fulfill physical needs more often. It doesn't have to be a set schedule, but an intentional one. Once men feel physically satisfied, then they seem to be more intuitive to their woman's needs. If you are feeling too tired, then I highly suggest to have a sitter every once in awhile so you can have a break. AND to have a date night!! Its worth it and you will be a rejuvenated wondeful mother to your children. One of the best things you can do for your children is exemplify a healthy marriage to them. Good Luck!!

13

I don't really have any advice...except try talking to him, or maybe try initiating something before you get so tired you can't stay awake...or set your alarm for half an hour earlier in the morning (nothing like morning sex to start your day off right). I can tell you, though...you are definitely not alone. I think most of us go through this at some point. Talking is what gets my husband and I through it...that and postponing sex until morning on the nights when one or the other of us is too tired.

14

I would definitely suggest to make sure that you have sex once a week, try to never go beyond having more than 2wks without intimacy. Once you start going beyond 2wks most women will learn to live without and men will only get more frustrated. It's amazing how much of a stress reduction there is for both sides if you do give in to your husband. Once he knows he's going to get some you may see a real change in your husbands attitude towards you during.
hth

15

i think men just dont get how much we do in a day...i have gone thru this off and on for 10 years ..the more my husband pushed me the less i had any feelings for anything intimate with him...for us i try to fit time in in the am before my kids get up b/c i am less tired but most of the time i felt it was because of other issues in our marriage..i threatened my husband to leave if he didnt improve his attitude..then i tried to be nicer to him and in turn he was nicer to me..then it wasnt so much of a chore..communication is the key..some times men are close minded and just dont get it..tell him your needs and hopefully he will eventually listen..

16

Well for one you are not the only woman who feels this way, and surely won't be the last. But we as women have to understand that men are totally different creatures. They think different than us, they understand differently than we do and they will always treat situations differently than we do. Just think, if you were married to a woman it would be far worse!! LOL that's why we choose men. It's the difference that makes it so great. It's just that men like to hear what a great job they are doing too. They need a confidence boost. They need to know that all the hard work they do is being recognized to. That's part of a good foundation to a good marriage. If you tell each other every day 10 positive things it will start to pay off. And remember it takes 100 positive comments to make up for just one negative one.
I suggest the candle conversation for you two. You light a candle and vow to talk civally until the candle burns out or until you resolve your issues. One or the other. You obviously love each other and you obviously want to make things well. It sounds like you are both just really stressed out and need to find a way to find some time for each other. It's very hard to do that when your kids are young. It's hard to even go to the bathroom by yourself!! Don't we all know that all too well. But there is hope. Just make yourself a vow to keep yourself in a calm manner even with your kids and try to validate your love with your kids and your husband every day in a positive way, soon you will see that they will start to do the same with you in time. But someone has to start the cycle and set the example. Usually it is the woman of the house. We are the ones who hold family together in the emotional way. The men usually do in the physical and financial way. I may be wrong, but that is just the way I see it.
I wish you so much luck and hope that you find a way to see things through in a loving and positive way for all of your family. Keep your chin up!
Mary Pat

17

Hi Stephanie-
Let me start by saying that I think every mom at one time or another goes through some form of sexual tention w/ their mates, though there is different extremes. I am a mom of 5 (soon to be 6) ages ranging from 1 to 13 and let me tell you that it is a 2nd job to stay connected to one another because it is very easy to get disconnected in our everyday life. What has worked for us is going unconventional, being intimate when the opportunity arises, like early morning when you first get up, or having a sitter and instead of going to dinner get a room for a couple hours, not only has it kept us happy but it rekindled the excitment as well.
I think in your situation, maybe surprise him and if still doesnt change I would seek couples conseling, believe me, everyone hits hi's and lo's in a marriage/ relationship its how you come out of them that counts. Hope this helps. Take care-Tara

18

I have to tell you that I understand where he is coming from. I am 33 and would love to have sex with my husband. He isn't often interested. I get mad about it too. I don't storm off to the couch...but I do get mad when I need loving and he doesn't want to give it up.

For you though, this isn't about sex. You aren't communicating. And that is your problem (and lots of times mine, too). When you start to talk and you both shut down- you won't resolve anything. I'd suggest counseling, but I know how hard it is to get up the nerve to go. It's not the time, money, or any of the other excuses- it's fear that keeps couples from going to counseling. But that is one thing that you do need.

Another thing you might need is to try to be passionate about your husband. Happy Marriages are ones in which the passion is alive, they make each other laugh, and they truly like one another. And that takes work. Someone has to make the first move here and it might as well be you. Next time you get into bed- attack him like you've never attacked him before! He'll be shocked! But someone has to make a concession- one of you has to make the first move to satisfying the others needs. I wouldn't say you need to have sex every night- but how about 2 or 3 times a week. It needn't be a marathon everytime. 1-2x a week could just be a quickee. Easy for you and satisfying for him.

I know it's hard to feel like sex when you are exhausted, but that is the best time to do it. You probably feel like you are unsexy, and used up- typical for Mom's. Time to feel like the goddess you are again (or for the first time) dress sexy, wear makeup that flatters, and FEEL that you are HOT!!! Even if you are vacuuming the floor and doing laundry...why should you feel like a ragdoll all day? Who wants to have sex when they feel like crap inside. Why not feel like a goddess? Look at yourself- LOVE YOURSELF- know that you are SMOKIN! Think about sex while doing the chores..fantasize all day. Think about what you'll be doing to him tonite(insert Johnny Depp if you need to- he'll never know, it's your fantasy!) Nothing gets a woman reved up like fantasizing all day!

And finally for him- he needs to make you feel like you want sex at the end of the day. And soon after you begin giving it to him, he'll start coming around and doing this. He'll flirt with you when you are working together on your business, He'll touch you when you walk by- he might even feel like helping with the kids and housework- if he knows that you want him and are passionate for him. Men do have needs, too. I know it's hard to feel like doing this when he isn't responsive to yours- but SOMEONE is going to have to step up to the plate and take a swing.

Sex feels good (when done right!heehee) and is a GREAT release of tension, stress, etc. It also releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel GOOD. Not just during, but all day!

Good luck- and don't stop trying! Feel like the goddess you are!!!

19

Girlfriend you are not alone!!!!
My soon to be ex-husband was the same way. I don't know if it is a "man" thing, but they seem to be able to have sex without feeling any emotional closeness. I too was feeling neglected and therefore didn't want to make love to him.

We tried marriage counsellng, but it didn't work. Eventually we got divorced because he went else where to get what I wasn't giving him.

I was suppossed to be helping! Not all men are alike and I'm not saying that your hubby will do the same...but I would suggest marriage counselling. It seems that he needs to learn to listen to you and empathize with what your day is like.

20

So, I'm now divorced & never had the issues you speak of...my ex never pushed for sex, maybe that's why I'm divorced :-)

What I learned was that we need to state, simply, what we need from our spouses (or anyone, actually). These fellas are tuned into a different radio frequency & it is what it is. The snipes I'm hearing you say your hubby is giving you is akin to him being further down the road in his feeling of neglect, or whatever. For those kinds of comments to be said, he's moved into the childish stage of "whatever is, is already a given & I'm pissed off" mode....given up, if you will. Make a date, set aside a time/day & let him know how very much you're looking forward to it. I always gave in to having sex (on those rare occasions that he wanted it) only to please him. The longer a woman, generally, goes without sex I think the less she wants it but men are the opposite, right..?

I agree with the other woman's comments about what men & women require....intimacy for sex & visa versa. Like I said, a different animal..! IF we really understand this, we can work it to our benefit! Also, & I don't say this because I'm a Massage Therapist, if you open up many of the relationship books, most will talk of giving massages to each other. Touch is a form of communication.....it's a way of breaking the ice & "talking" to the other. Remember, the HARDEST part of communication is LISTENING. Try & let go of what's going on in YOUR head when you hear his words......hear, not what's resounding in your head, but what he's trying to impart.

I remember sitting in a counselor's office when my marriage was at a really bad place. I'm talking about all the feeling stuff & the ex was sitting there like he wasn't hearing anything. The counselor asked what he was thinking. Lots of silence then, "I want to have sex with my wife". Like, HUH..?? I don't claim to have answers but I DO know that if the physical part of a relationship is misfiring, it comes from many things & it's precisely those many things that need to be addressed....sex lives are indicative of all else that is happening in our lives, both good & bad. Good luck with this!!