Would You Tolerate the Babysitter Snapping & Raising Her Voice at You?

if she is a good babysitter, there is no need to find someone else.
she is not payed to be a quiet slave, in the USA everyone has the right to voice their opinions!
granted she was out of line to raise her voice, she should have told you in a calm voice, but she did the right thing and apologized. id say give her a chance. especially if shes a good sitter.

also, you never said how old she was or how much experience or training she has.
maybe you are making her work day harder by prolonging the good byes, ive had daycare centers tell me that and they only allow one good bye.
you should talk to her and ask her these sort of things before brushing it off and attempting to move on, because you know you will still be bitter if you leave it under the rocks!

that would be a red flag to me. Most people have self control whether they're in a bad mood or tired or whatever. I never snap at people like that no matter how angry I am. I might be tempted but that doesn't even sound like something worth snapping at. Who cares how many good-byes you give, even if she does disagree. I'd keep an eye on things and if there are more than one red flag, I'd say adios. Also, if you're not too keen on her work or her in general, then find someone else. If you absolutely adore her and would hate to lose her, then I'd give her another chance but be mindful of any other red flags. Good luck!!

no way!....imagine how bad her restraint is if shes going to yell at her boss.

I wouldn't even talk that way to someone who i was watching their kid for them , for free.

no ones gonna tell me how to parent.

We have ALL been guilty of snapping at someone at one time or another, and she DID apologize.
The tone of your question sounds a bit class-ist (is that a word?) to me. You sound a little superior, like she is the servant and you won't "tolerate" her speaking to you in a certain way.
She is an employee, and as such, should be treated as one, with mutual respect. I would not start looking for someone else over a single incident that she is clearly sorry about.
p.s. I personally find long, drawn out goodbyes with kids really annoying, maybe she does too and just forgot to bite her tongue!

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I have been caring for children for over 19 years as a babysitter, respite care provider, nanny, and now a home daycare provider. I would never snap at a parent. I have been frustrated by things the parents do that negatively impact the children (including extended goodbyes), but I don't feel it is my right to say anything. The only time I speak up (in a calm, polite way) is if a parent is disregarding one of the rules of my home that I clearly spell out in my contract. She was definitely wrong for snapping at you. I would not like to be spoken to that way, and I wouldn't want my child to witness a role model to speak that way. I also wouldn't want to be questioned about my parenting in front of my children. Would I change child care because of it? I don't know. I think it depends on how she typically behaves. Is her usual demeaner kind, patient, and loving and she was having a really bad day? Or have you noticed other times when she doesn't seem to be as patient as she should? Has she challenged your parenting before? Does she do what you ask of her? Does you daughter enjoy her? Listen to your intuition. There are a lot of bad caregivers out there as well as many excellent providers. Have you asked your child about how she behaves in a way that she wouldn't feel like you are looking for any particular answer? If you really can't get past this situation I suggest you look for another caregiver. You need to be able to trust the person caring for your child. You will be worried and your daughter will probably pick up on your anxiety, too.

I would suggest you have a face to face conversation when you are not rushing to leave and when you are not distracted by your child. Tell her that while you accept her apology (hey, we all lose our patience once in a while) you have concerns about her reaction to your goodbye ritual. Explain that while you respect her position and right, wrong, or indifferent if she is going to express her opinion on a parenting choice, you expect it to be done respectfully and to realize that ultimately the decision is yours. I urge you to discuss with her why she seemed so upset about this ritual...is it simply because a quick departure is often better? or is it because she has problems with your daughter when there has been longer goodbyes? If it is the latter, I also urge you to keep that in mind and maybe try to do the extra hugs prior to departure.

I don't see in your post how old your daughter is but if she was to snap at her (and she's not a baby) you will probably hear about it. If this is the only issue you have had, I would let it go for now. I will tell you though, in my experience with both my own kids and observing others at drop-off, the kids that are most upset at drop-off are those that prolong the parents' departures.

Why even risk the possibility? You're the best advocate for your child and her only voice. Your instinct is your best guide so, if it feels wrong TO you then it's most likely wrong FOR you (and your daughter). Feeling confident about your daughter's care is huge.
Find a place for her that honors and respects you both.

Well, I've snapped at my bosses in the past but that doesn't mean I'm an unhinged individual and I yell at children. Maybe she was frustrated because after the long good-byes she has a tough time settling your daughter down. Now that I think about it, I've been "yelled at" for the same thing! I didn't take it wrong because she was right. Not everyone is astute in people skills and have the tact to be able to speak their mind without coming off as being angry. If it were me I would pull her aside and let her know that while she is entitled to speak her mind I would appreciated it if she spoke to me in a respectful manner. For me, it would have nothing to do with her being my employee but it would have everything to do with respecting me as an adult and as a parent. How does your daughter act around her? How old is your daughter?

So no, I wouldn't let my bruised ego get in the way of what is quite probably a good arrangement. I wouldn't look for another person but I would let the sitter know that you have no intentions of dealing with behavior like that. Also, when it comes to matters that people are adamant about (parenting is definitely one) they get a little hot under the collar especially if you say "your wrong". You tell her what is what when it comes to your child since you are her boss. There should be no talking back, but I seriously don't think she is being mean to your daughter. Cool off, then revisit the situation.

Well - her delivery was all wrong.
No question about that.
But - she's not wrong about long good byes.
I had a few day care people through the years gently tell me the longer I prolong the transition from 'being with Mommy' to 'being with friends' it causes longer crying and more distress for the child (not to mention the care giver who has to listen to it).
Truly - a rip the band aid off quickly approach is best here.
At the preschool my son went to there was a window where parents could look in where the kids could not see them.
Most of the time the 'performance' was over in about 10 min and the child was happily playing with other kids.
The kids who had the longest goodbyes were the ones who cried the longest.
This is one of these cases where you'd LOVE to go on hugging for hours if you could - but it's not what's best for your child - so you have to be the parent and do the right thing.
A quick goodbye makes for happy hellos later on!
(Well, actually my son use to cry when I left in the morning, then cry when I came to pick him up because he wanted to stay longer and play - transitions on both ends were tough for awhile.)
Don't shoot the messenger but try to listen to the message.
Any other sitter you go to will tell you the same thing (although probably not the same way).

Not a good sign, in my opinion. I've had our kids in various daycares over the years and never has a provider snapped at me. I would definitely be worried how often that happens during the day.

Before you jump to any conclusions, it would be a good idea to sit down and have a calm conversation with your sitter. She could have been anticipating your daughter acting out in stressful ways after you leave, which can happen after long, drawn out separation rituals.

She may simply have been having a bad day – I think almost all of us have had at least occasional moments when we've spoken sharply to people and then regretted it later. She may be very considerate toward your daughter, and I think if your daughter is happy and engaged when you pick her up, not sitting in a corner or acting distressed, the sitter probably treats her quite well.

But do talk to the sitter. Try to set some groundrules for the discussion – No accusing or telling each other what you do wrong, just honest reporting about perceived outcomes of different parenting approaches and habits. Talk about YOUR feelings when you see or hear certain things; for example, it's perfectly reasonable to say "I felt surprised and defensive when you told me how to tell my child goodbye. For me, that was like a slap across the face. And I felt real anger when you raised your voice at me. I'm curious about why you felt the need to do that?" That could be the start of a productive conversation, and you might both be able to stay open to learning something new and useful.

All people engaged in childrens' care develop opinions about the best way to handle/train them. Sometimes those beliefs are defaults to the way the adult was raised, sometimes they are rooted in a particular belief system in which that person in invested, sometimes they are open to changing and flexing based on actual evidence and results.

I'd really want to know which of these were the basis of my sitter's choices where my child in concerned. I would be reluctant to impose an abrupt change in my child's daily activity unless and until I was convinced it would be the best thing for her. If you are left with the sense that you can't communicate with your sitter, or can't trust her behavior toward your child, then a change may be in order. But it may really unsettle your daughter if she's genuinely happy with current arrangements, so forgiving may be the best option.

I would not tolerate that at all. Bigger issue ... If she is snapping and raising her voice at you, she is also doing this to your child. Long goodbyes may not be a good idea. But she should be able to express her opinion in a more appropriate manner. And it is just an opinion. It's not something she can regulate. You can smooch your baby for an hour if you feel the need! The nerve of some people!

You are the boss, you decide how many hugs your kid gets.

If it was affecting your child once you left - she should have a talk with you about it. NOt yell at you.

Nanny jobs are hard to come by - there are many qualified nannies out there. Fire her and find a new one.

Q: Would you tolerate the babysitter snapping & raising her voice at you?
A: Hell no!

I don't think she should have snapped at you, but she has a very valid point. Long good-byes are frustrating. I watch kids and each time a parent starts this it only gets longer and longer and more drawn out. I suggest you set a limit to how many hugs and kisses and follow through with it. I find it frustrating because I can't get anything done until the parent has finished. If they draw out good-byes then often there is a long transition into our day as well. Choose another daycare provider if you choose. I wouldn't want to care for someones child if the parent doesn't have confidence in me. It just makes things to uncomfortable.

Trust is important in a childcare relationship most definitely, but must this one incident, in which your sitter probably was anticipating the stress caused by the long goodbye, (sorry but shorter is better in my professional experience), clot your judgment too harshly. I run a home daycare and I have two clients; my sister and a friend from high school. They both have different drop off methods but both try to keep it to under five minutes. This doesn't preclude stress or anxiety.on the part of the child because there are days my niece screams for an hour for her mommy, but it does help. I think you need to assess her behavior with your daughter and go from there.

Well, she shouldn't snap at you. I can understand why she was frustrated, but she should have talked with you calmly about her thoughts. I was told clearly by my daughter's daycare providers that quick good-byes are so much better for children at all ages, and I agree.

Talk to her face to face, and if you get peace from the interaction, and you really have felt that she has done very well otherwise, you might still have a good sitter.

I would think after 6 months you either have good feelings or uneasy feelings about her already. I think what she did was WRONG for several reasaons. And I don;t think the issue is one to be resolved by e-mail.

If you are unwilling to talk to her face to face about this, then you have your answer.

Short answer. No.
Long answer: I had a full time sitter for more than 2 years and I don't think you are over-reacting at all. I would be livid if my sitter snapped at me and thought she had any right to tell me how to treat my own child.... She may have been trying to get to the point that there are findings that say long goodbyes are actually harder on the child than short goodbyes. However, she was in no right to tell you to "stop immediately." If this is what works for your child and you, it works and is none of her business. She is most likely an experienced care giver that could give a few good tips here and there..but she would have to do that in a much friendlier/non-aggressive manner. I loved my sitters (I had two students that swapped days so they each had 5 full days every two weeks for pay). They were great girls and I was lucky enough to work from home and overhear what was going on and peek in on occasion. However, I was very clear on a few things .. no TV while he was awake, for example. Both girls came from large families that did not share my views but they knew I was the mother and this was my child and they just nodded their heads and left the TV off and read to my son and played with him etc. If she had the gull to snap at you, then yes, I would think she was also not as loving/gentle to my child as I want her to be. I would find someone else too. I think she just gave you an insight to a side of herself she normally hides and you should view it as a red flag. Good luck.

My oldest has been and daycare, both have one through preschool, and I've watched a lot of little kids and from experience long good byes do nothing but drag out that mommy or daddy is going. In the door, a hug, and good bye mommy loves you is all that's needed. I have to side with your sitter there is no need to drag out leaving.

I think its time to move on. If she yelled at you is she yelling at your child?
If I snapped at my boss you can bet I would be finding myself unemployed.

I'd be finding someone new.

I would give her another chance. It wasn't right, but she acknowledged she was wrong and apoligized. I would talk to her and tell her it was inappropriate and will not be tolorated in the future. People have very different parenting techniques and sometimes the delivery can be unwelcomed and inappropriate (we see it on this sight all the time), and when they do differ they can get heated. She also could of snapped because the long good bye could cause her difficulties with your child after you finally do leave. Again not right to snap, but she could be frustrated with what the long goodbye causes. Most of the providers and my daughter's MDO teachers say that a shorter goodbye is easier for the kids and the adjust to the parent being gone faster.

We all have bad days. She wrote to you and apologized. If she apologizes in person - even better.

I wouldn't be looking for new daycare just yet.

I think you both are at fault. I is unfortunate that she snapped at you, but you can't say that everyone who snaps at an adult will go and snap at your child. EVERYONE is capable of saying the wrong things or having the wrong tone of voice. We are human. I would calm yourself down and write a list of all the things you like about her and how your child likes her etc. Then write the cons. Whichever one is higher, go with that----I wouldn't let her go just because she snapped at you. That seems so small in comparison of what she could have done or said. Best wishes and hope you two can talk about it and work through it---

M

no it happens. People get upset and move foward.

I would suggest sending your daughter to me if I lived closer. I may not agree with some parenting styles, but I respect them.

But as for what you need to know. It's not her job to parent you. She can give suggestions on what should change in order to make it easier for her to care for your daughter. She can even tell you that if the child's behavior doesn't change by such and such, she can't care for her anymore. But being dis-respectful isn't on the list of what she can do.

If this was a one time thing, I would let it slide. Everyone has a bad day now and again. If it becomes a continual thing or I got a bad vibe about other things then I would look for another sitter.

**In response to your "So What Happened" I TOTALLY agree with you!!!!

1st question, how old is your daughter, can she verbally let you know how things are going with the sitter? Has her behavior changed at all from when you first started leaving her with this lady to now?

2nd question what did the apology say? Did she give you a reason for being so snarky?

If she feels that the long good-byes are making your daughter more upset then she should have found a tactful way to say that (not sure why it is just NOW an issue when you have been doing it for 6 months).

However, and I really don't care what the "popular" parenting belief is on long good-byes, it really depends on the child. Some children are fine with longer goodbyes and some children do best with shorter goodbyes. When my daughter was little and in daycare (she was probably about 1) we tried the short goodbye and trust me she is NOT a short goodbye kind of kid. She actually did much better with the longer goodbyes.

If your daughter is really upset after you leave with the long goodbyes then maybe try a shorter goodbye. However, if she is handling the long goodbye fine without being stressed and overly upset then by all means do what makes you and her happiest. If the sitter doesn't like it then maybe the sitter needs to find someone else to sit for.

If you daughter really enjoys this sitter I would probably give it another chance. However, if your daughter is not happy with this sitter I would probably look for someone else. Once again, depending on the age of your daughter, but I would really think that after 6 months, especially if she is a fulltime sitter for your child, your child would be pretty much okay with the transition of being with mommy to being with sitter....if she is truly happy with the sitter.

Good luck and I am sure that you will make the best decision for you and your daughter. :o)

Well, she's right. But still.....

A comfort level between mom and whoever's taking care of mom's kid is the most important thing.

A good babysitter is priceless, it is not a boss/employee relationship as some have suggested. So yeah, she should have been more tender about making her point, but she is in the Alternative Mother Mode, not an employee mode. Perhaps your styles just do not hash, and she tried to button up about it too long and out it spilled on a hormonal day.

(Incidently, many daycares and preschool have very strict policies regarding drop-off drama, so if you are shopping for one, be sure your style is something they will tolerate.)

:)

Nope - that's a warning sign that she's getting frustrated with you, your daughter, or the job. And if she's snapping at you, who knows what she's doing to your daughter. I don't mean to suggest that she's hurting your daughter - but I do mean that she may be enforcing different rules than the ones you care about.

We had a wonderful nanny for two years. Several times we had to sit down and discuss parenting and caregiving techniques. My nanny did think I was too lenient at times (and she was probably right!) but we discussed it like adults and I made the decision in the end. I could usually tell when she didn't like a decision I had made -- she had a horrible poker face -- but even if she didn't like the decisions, she would stick with them. I think snapping shows that your nanny doesn't respect you and will continue to question your rules.

I'd start looking for an new caregiver... but not in a rush. If she's done a good job up until now, she'll continue to do a good job until you can find someone who's better able to follow your rules.

Wow, I feel like I'm a pretty good mom and I'm a teacher, but every now and then I snap at people. That's pretty human. We all get tired or stressed. Now, if someone is regularly snapping everyday or through out the day, that's a bit different. I understand it bothering you, but it's the first time in 6 months. I wouldn't worry about your child in this situation. She obviously felt bad after it happened and even sent you an apology. If she hadn't done that, I would have said that you two need to have a little talk. You might want to still do that. It isn't professional to talk to you in that manner. If something has been bothering her, she should have addressed you calmly at a different time. She obviously has been bothered by this issue for awhile, so kuddos to her for speaking up. It sounds like she was actually frustrated for the sake of the child, that's a good thing. She just didn't go about it in the best manner. Give her a break this 1 time, she probably had an off moment. Nobody's perfect.

Hell to the no. I'd look elsewhere. These could be signs that she is way too strict with your child. I hope if you have certain reservations, whether it be time-out or spanking, that you have told her. She seems like (from your post) that it's her way or your doing it wrong. I give my daughter long goodbyes sometimes if she needs it, my babysitter doesn't mind at all. Most of the time she ditches me at the door and me and the sitter talk for a minute and she'll run around us showing us some cool toys lol. If she snapped and raised her voice at me, she'd get a look from hell right then and I would get the impression that she snaps with the kids and yells at them. Your instincts are the best guide and mine would be saying, you can't handle a long goodbye, what else can you not handle?
I HATE looking for other daycares (part of being very protective I think), but I will if I'm given a reason (for the same protective reason).

Hmmm, you know after the other post in regards to this one (it's not offensive to you if you haven't read it) it made me think. How characteristic is it for her? I think of my sitter has never snapped at me and if she did I would be shocked and asked what is wrong? I am exactly like you. It is so hard for me to trust babysitters/daycare or anyone with my child. I don't trust people like that, which is why my original response was look somewhere else. But in truth, I don't know your babysitter, she could be a sweetheart who has to deal with huge tantrums after long goodbyes. Her reaction was not right which is what worried me because like you I don't trust people easily with my child. Had my own personal sitter did that, I would not have my child stay there that day and we would probably have a talk and I would tell her I was ultimately worried that she could snap at my child if my child pushed her buttons (in a non-accusatory way)

ALSO, how does your child react to the sitter in general? If your little one isn't clicking with the babysitter it is time to move on. When kids do NOT like going to the sitter's for no real reason (like going to the park instead or something) then there could be legitimate reasons she doesn't want to go.

I have never, and I mean NEVER, raised my voice and snapped ay my employer. I have never snapped at an EMPLOYEE that way either.

Do I get irritated with them? Sure. Do I WANT to snap? Sure. But I have self control. And I value my job.

The way some people act really is beyond me. We all can agree how she SHOULD have handled what I agree is probably an annoying situation (the long goodbye).

She did apologize.

So now, moving on......

Just because she had a bad day and made a POOR choice in approach doesn't mean you should move on just yet.

Look at the big picture - Does she seem to be a person who would snap at your child easily as well? Has your child ever acted as if she doesn't want to go to her house? Does your child absolutely adore her?
So many things should be evaluated before making your decision.

But I do agree that if she snaps at you and has a lack of self control, chances are, she is MORE likely to do it to your daughter. Your daughter doesn't sign her checks.

*ETA: And I completely disagree that you sound *superior* in your post. You are stating the facts. You ARE the employer. And you are employing her to do the most important job on this earth. So long as YOU are respectful to her, she should be more than willing to do the same. If you were mad at her for something she did with your child, would you snap at her? I doubt it.....

Also, others can come with all the *she might have to pee really bad* scenarios and excuses that they want to - bottom line, you don't snap on people. Employer or not. If you want to communicate something to someone, do it like a normal person.

You're always going to be wondering when she will next snap at you.... especially when you are giving goodbye hugs.

I would find someone new. I know that's not always easy, but I would be bothered by this every time I dropped off and picked up. It's stressful enough as it is without having to worry whether she is going to do it again, or if she is snapping at your child who is defenseless.

Hi all! I've been an inhome quality provider for over 20 years. I am self-employed, an independent contractor. My client parents are not my boss. They are NOT my employer. That would only be if I worked in their home and they were paying my social security, etc. (not an agency).

After reading the post and responses I just want to say that daycare provider's occasionally do 'snap.' I've always thought I get to listen to my clients complain about their jobs all the time, yet as a provider I cannot do this because it may be interpreted as that I don't like the children in my care. I get frustrated just like any other working parent. Daycare is a super hard job with super long hours and super low pay, yet it's one of the most important jobs one can have. I'm human and can and do 'snap' occasionally. I actually think it's great that your provider was 'brave' enough to speak up to you. And I also think the LONNNNG goodbye's have everything to do with being the point here. I would sit down and talk to the provider about the long goodbye's. This provider knows what she is talking about. I, in fact, even have it in my contract that 5 min at drop-off and pickup is it. Long goodbye's make it much harder on the child. I would consider that just as much if not more than being worried about a provider 'snapping' at your child occasionally. Day in and day out emotionally drug-out goodbye's are way harder for the child. You should worry about the overall quality care your child is receiving and it sounds like your provider is concerned about your child's welfare. A parent being too lenient just makes a day harder for the child and the provider who is left to deal with it. It's just not all about you. It also sounds like your provider may be ready to replace you.

Also the money thing about you paying her well, ugh. You are paying her to do a good job. JMO

Would I tolerate it? In a word, no. But I might let the dust settle first. Perhaps the woman had a really, really bad day - nothing to do with your good-byes, actually, but that just set her off. I'd ask her next time how she was doing, and say that I was startled when she chewed me out. Her response would help me decide what to do next.

She apologized, what more do you want? Instead of getting defensive, you might want to take what she had to say into consideration. It's common daycare practice to discourage long goodbyes, as they tend to make it harder, not easier for the child.

Sorry, I would fire her. Immediately. An email apology does not cut it.

She's undermining your authority. I'd pass on her again & choose someone else if it were me. I'd never put up w/someone, especially an employee, talking back to me that way...especially since it's not her place to say anything unless it's something that needs addressed like kids not minding her or going to bed when they're supposed to or getting into the sweets when not allowed but she definitly should not have snapped at you or raised her tone, certainly not for something like that. Choose someone else, definitly.

I don't think you are being over dramatic at all. She is your employee. Would you snap at your boss? However, if you are happy with her and this is the first time this happened, I wouldn't make any drastic steps yet. Maybe she was having a bad day and she took it out on you. I would give her another chance. I think its nice that she apologized but I think it would have been more appropriate for her to do it either in person or through a phone call, not a text. I would talk to her and let her know that you appreciate her apology but it is still bothering you. Let her know you will not tolerate her raising her voice to your daughter or you. If she does it again, I would probably start looking for someone else. Also, is your daughter happy with her? Does she seem happy to see her and have fun. If your daughter doesn't seem happy then that might make your decision even easier.

you have to look at it as you are the employer and she's the employee. regardless of who is right or wrong (on the hug issue) is not the issue. Would I ever dare snap at my boss? oh heck no! I might give them my opinion, and its okay if my opinion differs from theirs. But its a respect issue. You don't speak that way to your boss. And the flip side of that, I would think they should never speak to me that way and snap at me either.

I agree with the others that the snapping was not good - no matter what the situation - she could talk to you in a calm voice at the end of the day.
That being said, again, like others I think maybe the long goodbyes are making it harder for her......The reason I agree with this is I see it happen with my kids. My husband seems to either want to see the kids get upset when he leaves so he feels secure he's loved, or just can't seem to 'get it' that a quick goodbye equals less agitation........I see him do this and it drives me nuts - and I only see it once in awhile (we both work and I actually leave before everyone is even up - this is only on the weekends if he's quickly heading to the store or something) - so, maybe once a week. And that once a week thing drives me INSANE......I'm sure she's wanted to say something for a long time and unfortunately it came out as it did rather than a calm discussion.

Honestly I would immediately question whether she is doing that to my child during the day...and that would be enough for me to start looking for someone else. Yes it probably makes it a bit harder on her when you first leave, but so what? You're the mom...she needs to get over it and just deal with it as something she didn't like. This is a red flag for me and I wouldn't put up with it, no.

She is with your daughter while you work, so she is your partner in childcare. If you work 40 hrs a week, she is with your daughter 40 plus hours a week and you should have a comfortable feeling with the person who is supposed to be loving and teaching your child. I am sorry if this offends in home childcare workers. You are there to care for and teach young life skills (please, thank you, ect) to help mold this young little lifes. That is what we pay for as working mothers.
If you are upset with this person who tends to your child, ya really need to talk with her (when you have calmed down for sure) and see how you feel after that. If you still feel uncomfortable might consider something else.

Trust your gut. I personally would be very put off by this situation if I was in your shoes.
I will say in regards to the goodbyes it makes a difference if you're talking nanny vs. daycare. In a daycare setting with other kids it can be disruptive to the group. However with a nanny it shouldn't matter unless the long good byes cause your daughter to not want you to go. I know you are probably sick of people commenting on the good-byes (I haven't read the other responses) but I did want to point this out to add a little prospective.
Back on topic I personally would start looking for a new sitter. While I've never dealt with this situation I do feel you have to have full trust in your sitter and be on the same page. I'd worry about how she acts with your daughter. It's possible she just had a bad day but I know I would question things....
Good luck

I would not tolerate that! You can be polite and say you heard her opinion and you'll take it into consideration, but you have the right to make the decisions in your house. I think its a bit bold to say something like that to you! I would lay down ground rules with her, if she goes along with it, give her another try,but if not - start making the phone calls!

Good luck!
A. V.

I didn't read all the responses, but ANYONE is capable of snapping at anyone at any given time. Maybe there's other stuff going on in her life. Who knows what kinds of stress she's under in her personal life.

I think you should graciously accept her apology and let it go. If it happens again, then maybe you need to rethink her as your sitter, but have a little forgiveness - she's only human.

Quite honestly I think you may be making more of this than there is.

If this is the only problem you have had with her then I would just talk to her. I would tell her that my concern is that she talks to your child the same way she talked to you. If she is a good babysitter I wouldn't give up on her for a 1st offense. Some people get along better with children than they do adults. She did apologize so she knows she was wrong for snapping at you. I had to learn that long good-byes with my daughter made things worse. One time i was so upset from her crying when leaving her daycare that I was in tears. I got to my car and decided I should go back and check on her. I peeked in the window to see if she was still crying and she was coloring and talking to her teacher and the kids so sometimes we parents make the situation worse than it is. Now i give a kiss good-bye and a hug and I leave. Just talk to her and maybe try to trust her more than you do.

In a word, NO. I would not tolerate it. I would also (If I chose to keep her as a sitter) in no uncertain terms, tell her I can say goodbye as long as I want.

There is a right way to speak to someone about a concern and there is a wrong way. Appently she chose the latter here. However, grace seems to go a long way with people, especially if your child seems to like the sitter. (If he/she didn't, that would be a different story.) I would take your sitter aside and tell her how much you appreciate her concern for your child and her health. Thank her for taking good care of your child and then proceed to share (very kindly) your concerns about her raising her voice and just tell her next time that if she has any problems/concern that she should address them the same way that you are right now. :) In a nice calm rational discussion. :) ....Just a though.

I would ask her why she thinks it is too much. Maybe the child is very hard to control/crying once you leave and she thinks a fast goodbye would be easier for the child? Just because you are her boss does not mean she does not have the right to voice concerns, and it seems she already realizes she did so in the wrong manner.

Does your child like her? How old is your child? I would say if your child loves your sitter, it's worth giving her another chance. Did you reply to her email apology? I would bring it up with her face to face and tell her you didn't appreciate being yelled at and in future you expect a civil tone from her. You will agree to disagree, etc.
I work. I yell at my bosses before. In fact, one of my bosses told me you can yell at your superior but you should never yell at your subordinates. Just because she yell at an adult doesn't mean she yells at a child. MIL thought I'd be a tough mom because I'm a tough supervisor at work (I don't suffer fools gladly). MIL likes to say to my daughter, "Mamma is mush where you're concerned." Everyone can have a bad day. Talk to her, in a stern voice. Make it clear you will not tolerate a repeat performance. As you say, good childcare is hard to find. Your child's reaction to her arrival in the morning is all you need to gauge if she's good to your baby. My kids get excited when their nanny arrives. That's how I know she's good with them.

My first response is NO WAY. But upon consideration, it is worth asking her about, especially if you are happy with other aspects of her care. We all have bad moments -- altho, it seems SHE should bring this up in the form of an apology. But I guess I would confront her and let her know that whether or not you see eye to eye on the goodbyes, you do not appreciate how she handled it and it makes you question how she might handle things with your child. I would acknowledge that if long goodbyes somehow make her job tougher or (and more importantly) if she has some insight as to how they are problematic in the long run for your child, you are happy to hear her input. After all, you are in a partnership. But raising her voice and judging your actions and being rude enough to impose her own position as if it is the final word on YOUR child is not acceptable. Personally, if a sitter approached me and said, "from my perspective, the long goodbyes are making goodbye more difficult for your child, and this is why I think so (then offers explanation)," I would be open to the suggestion. But the way your sitter handled it was not right, and you have every reason to question whether or not this is the right person to be alone with your child each day. As an aside, how is your child about being left in her care? Does the child have any anxiety or stress? Might be worth noting as your daughter is too young to verbalize how she feels and what is going on.

No I would by no means tolerate that. Your child is Top Priority and your babysitter is your employee. You are by no means being over dramatic and I agree that if she speaks to you like that, then how is she speaking to your daughter while you are working. It is extremely hard to find trusting and loving individuals to care for your children (both in house & facilities) and I personally would love to have a babysitter come to my home, but then again a good daycare that is monitored by supervisors with the state and local officials may be a good option. I had to bring my child to someone's home who kept a few children and that was very hard because at the time my daughter was one and she couldn't tell me what went on. I began hearing rumors of how she yelled at the children to take naps and things to that nature and I felt horrible and could not find another place fast enough. I would acknowledge your babysitters apologize but tell her she overstepped her boundaries and that it raises questions of her character and qualifications. Good Luck and shame on her. They are only that age for one time and Mommies can never get enough hugs and kisses!!!

I would not tolorate this at all....do you snap at your boss??? You are paying her for watching your child...and yes I would be concerned if she is snapping at your child! And it's not like it's been a long relationship of her watching your child, it's only been 6 months. If you want to say goodbye 100 times before you leave, that is your right, she is your child. Look for another sitter and I would express to her that this is why you are looking and that it is wrong, she has no business telling you what to do!

I would sandwich my thoughts like this-

Sitter,

I appreciate that you take care of my child. I think she enjoys being with you, and I like that. However, the level of attachment between my child and I is an issue exclusively between my child and I. I would thank you to keep your opinions to yourself in the future with regards to such things. We seem to have an otherwise amicable situation and I would prefer to keep it that way. You have done a wonderful job thus far and I look forward to continuing to have you care for my daughter.

Best wishes-

Bottom line - if I'm paying you to do a job, you do it MY way, or our working relationship is terminated.

If I'm paying you to watch my kid, you disciplnie him the way I say he should be disciplined, you don't tell me how I ought to be parenting him.

You have every right to be upset. She could've voiced her opinion in a professional manner. Maybe something is going on with her that has her on edge and you just happened to get the boil over, not an excuse, just a theory.
If you've had no other problems with her, I'd keep her. However depending on how old your daughter is, maybe you can question with her without suggesting that you want to hear the babysitter is mean. Such as, "Honey, is anyone ever mean to you or yells at you?" and if she says yes, ask who and why the person is "mean" or "yelled".
Then I'd just keep a real close eye. And if she does it again, then maybe it's time for someone else.

My son goes to a childcare center instead of an in home daycare center because I worry about no other adults being around to help out when emotions get strained. This is just a personal decision our family chose because I too worry about what goes on when I am not around. I like you would be upset not knowing if the sitter gets that upset about silly things your child may do throughout the day. Especially when she would snap at you for the way you say good bye to YOUR daughter that would worry me that she may not do things with your daughter the way you would like them to be once you leave her house. She may have just been having a bad morning but it sounds more like your long good byes had been bothering her for some time and she finally snapped about them. I hope it all works out!

So not okay for her to do that. You pay her, you are her boss. And I understand what you mean about the hugs thing. That is YOUR right to do if you please or not. Its NOT a bad thing that your child wants a lot of hugs. You are the Mom and if you want to do that then by all means.

I dont see how giving many hugs to your child could be a bad thing. Loving them too much does not exist. You can never do that. I love my son more and more minute.

But thats besides the point, if it were me, I would have a talk with your babysitter, and tell her that its not acceptable for her to talk to you that way, and while you appreciate the email with an apology she needs to understand that it can happen again, and you should not be lectured on your parenting style. You are the parent not she. She is just the babysitter. So, if that is understood then keep her as your babysitter. If you have anymore problems then I would let her go and find someone else.

Just have a talk, be honest and firm about your expectations from now on.

Trusting someone with your child is a big issue. That being said, nobody goes through life never having a moment they wish they could take back by putting their foot in their mouth.

There are many things that make a person snap or say something we feel comes out more hurtful then it had right to, or meant to bad days or trigger issues are some main causes. We all have times we put our foot in our mouths. How we handle it, is what makes the difference, in my opinion.

If this is out of the norm for her, I would explore further what happened in a respectful way to both parties. Also there are things that can make a comment sting to hear more then it was meant to.
What her apology said is important to me too. Did she address what she will do in the future when she has a concern?
I'd also come to some understand of the expectations in parenting ideas and concerns, and in the same regard, how she will talk to your daughter. But yes, there will be bumps in the road, that is to be expected. In my opinion there should be some things you have no tolerance for, it's up to you if this should be one of them.

If my sitter ever snapped at me I would worry she did not have what it takes to watch my three children. She runs and in home daycare and other kids are there. She has always been fabulous when there have been issues and she has the patience of a saint. I can come and go as I please and nothing bothers her. I know people have off days, but that wouldn't fly with me.

Get rid of her.

She should have:
#1) Never snapped at you
#2) Apologized in person (not an email - show some respect!)
#3) Never told you what to do or how to say goodbye!!

Personally, I would love to hear HER side of this story.

I think you need to get over yourself. EVERYONE snaps sometimes. Typically when they have reached the end of their patience with something. So I wonder if she has given you clues or even said something straight out before, about prolonging your leaving. Maybe she's just at the end of her rope with the whole goodbye thing. And actually, the fact that you prolong it DOES have very much to do with this, because if you didn't do it, she wouldn't have snapped at you.

And really, how loudly did she raise her voice at you? To a third party it may not have seemed THAT big of a deal, but since you felt "disrespected" you may have blown it out of proportion.

In your past posts, you have stated that she is wonderful with your daughter and your daughter loves her. At three years old, your daughter knows what is going to happen each morning, and she knows you will be back in the afternoon. If she is still having trouble letting you go, it is because you have allowed it. You have set up this whole situation by prolonging your leaving. So no wonder the sitter snapped.

It is ridiculous and over dramatic to assume that because she snapped at you, she snaps at your daughter all day.

She has already apologized. Accept her apology, tell her it hurt your feelings and ask her to express her opinions nicely next time, and move on!

I would email her back saying you accept her apology and thanks for it. BUT, also add that as your child's mother you have every right to say goodbye however you see fit.
Everybody loses their temper and snaps sometimes. Everyone. So i wouldn't make too much of it. i understand your concern for your child's safety but - it's not like she raised her hand to hit you or anything!

Sounds like part of the problem is that you DID tolerate her behavior when it happened. It probably came as such a surprise, but did you eventually tell her the things you said here? Yes, you are her employer, and not only that, but you are the mother of your child. You are the one who gets to decide how to raise your child, not her (though she is parenting the child all day). It is your responsibility to tell her what your needs are, and for her to meet those needs. If her style is too different from yours then you should look for a different sitter. I doubt you will find better care in a daycare situation though. And if she apologized for her behavior I would give her another chance. Just make it clear to her that you are concerned that she may behave this way with your child as well, and that is not acceptable to you. Ask your child - does he/she feel happy and comfortable with this caregiver? Maybe your child is not old enough to tell you - in that case, trust your intuition.

I don't know what I would do in your situation... but what I do want to say is that everyone has snapped at some time in their life. Whether it be to an adult or a child, loved one or not... We are all human, we make mistakes. We shouldn't be so quick to judge and say she must be a terrible person because of this one incident. We are all more than our mistakes!

I have to say let it go this time and I do agree with Jana F's first paragraph. I also used to daycare in my home for one child so I'm glad she understands how I felt and still feel about it. You may pay her to watch your child but you are not her employer.

She has no right to speak to you using any tone:
You are the employer.
You can bring your child up how you like.
What is she doing to the child when you are not there?
Why does the child want a long good bye? Is the child not happy being with this person.
I would think very carefully about your childs wellbeing this person is getting to comfortable with her surroundings and more importantly you. What will be next, warning bells. It is better to be over the top than to relaxed this is YOUR CHILD!!!