Say Bye Bye or Sneak Out

Never sneak out. What you want to teach her is that even when you leave you'll come back. You'll teach her to be scared when you take her there because she won't know if you're going to leave her or when you'll come back. Take her the first time, play with her for a bit, then leave just for 10 minutes. Come back and make a big deal of seeing her. If she doesn't cry or only cries for a bit and then they can distract her, then next time leave her for a little longer. She will learn that when you leave her there with those people and those toys, you'll always come back.

I would say bye to her. It will help teach her that Mommy can leave and will come back. My SIL has snuck out when I was watching her kids before and it was heartbreaking to see their faces when they realized Mommy was gone and didn't say bye. Please say bye to her.

AT THIS AGE, I advise you to do what any self-respecting mother worth her weight in salt would do: sneak out then go back & spy on her! lol

When she's older, say goodbye, keep it upbeat and tell her you'll be back at XYZ.

Never never sneak out. That breaks your child's trust.
It might be more stressful for you right at first, but when she understands that you will come back like you say, and that she is safe while you are away, it will get better. If you sneak off, she will feel abandoned, not safe. She will become more clingy than before, because she will wonder when you will disappear next.

ALWAYS make it a point to say bye. Get her involved in something, having fun, then let her know quickly and without fanfare, that you are going but will be back soon. The less dramatic YOU make it, the less traumatic it will be for her.

Always say good bye before you leave. If you don't, you'll get use to sneaking out because it's easier for you, rather than dealing with the crying. Years will go by and if you're still sneaking out, your daughter will grow up very insecure. I'm talking from experience.
Growing up, I was attached to my mom too. She would have to drop me off at my grandma's house, while she went to work. She would sneak out, and I would cry and feel such anxiety, it would take a long time for me to calm down.
My kids are 7 and 8, and I always made sure that my husband and myself always said bye to them, even now. Believe me, once you say good bye and leave, her crying will stop and she'll be content until you pick her up. You're only gone a 1/2 hour, it's not all day! And working out will benefit both of you anyway. I hope this helps.

Take care,
A. E.

It's never best to sneak out. I know it may seem easier for us, but it's not in the best interest of your little one. Getting her full attention for goodbye hugs and kisses and the most important, "I will see you when I come to pick you up this afternoon, have a great time!".......will teach her that you always, always come back just like you say each day. If you sneak out, she'll be happy for a minute, but when she looks up and realizes you disappeared..........it kinda makes them panic. Then they may wonder if you will suddenly disappear other times too... It won't take her too long to realize that yes...mommy leaves me here, but she always comes back! =0) Truth is always best!!

Honestly, you HAVE to say Bye to her. I know it can be really hard to do but when you don't, it creates further anxiety on her part. When my daughter was a baby I used to always tell her bye, but ALWAYS included "mommy be back soon." I actually researched it once for my sister and had found that it is far better to say bye than to sneak; to be upfront. I found that by saying bye and that I'd be back later, my daughter has grown to know that no matter what, mommy is always here. Please, tell her bye when you go. IF she cries, it'll be short lived. At her age she's still easy to get to distracted into some play once you're gone. Which brings me to a related point, don't linger. I always called it the "drop and run." When you do drop her off, drop her off. Hold her while giving care instructions, hand her over while kissing her, saying 'Bye, I'll be back," and then GO! Even if there are tears. She will be in good hands and they know how to find you if she NEEDS you.

I have had experience in this w/ 3 kids and Me and My husband are completely opposite. I always get the kids attention once and tell them I am going and for how long and tell them to a small degree where (Doctors, store, friends, girl party, ect.) and that I WILL BE BACK< AND I LOVE THEM. my kids are fine with it. (7,4, 13 months). My husband on the other hand just leaves and my kids flip out everytime.

I feel that kids find security when you are upfront and honest with them, if you sneak out youare not being honest. They need to know you will be back. Yes at 7 months she is not going to understand that, but what she will get over time is that you do not up and disapear. Kids at this age think if an item is removed it is no long there, that is devistating to a child to think Mommy is gone, gone for good.

Play peek a boo, and when you leave the room tell her you will be back, she will see you always do, and she will know you do what you say so when she is old enough to understand this, she will trust you that much more.

Non of my kids have had separation issues from me.

I hope this helps.

Hi Jamie, only you can decide that for your daughter, and I say this, because i have had daycare parents sneak out the first couple days, and the child would scream themselves to sleep (SAD) I have had kids where mom snuck out and didn't phase the child at all, same with saying by. So you have to decide for your daughter, or get a couple videos and work out at home, that's what i did. Children need to feel secure, I believe in all honesty with our children, what happens one day, heaven for bid you sneak out and something happens to you or to her, and the sneaking was your last time with her? I say work out at home. J.

If your child does cry when you leave, then my advice is to sneak out, OR do a real quick kiss and bye-bye then hand her off. I have done this to all four of my children and we do not have any trust issues... in fact they are very independent.
I really look down upon mother's who make a big deal out of leaving (their child crying for them) so that it makes them feel better. That is not healthy.
Or else if you're not ready to do this, then maybe just stay home until you're ready. Good luck.

It is important to me for my kids to understand that I would never leave them anywhere without telling them and that I would never leave them somewhere where they arn't safe. I always make it a point to say good-bye to my kids and remind them that they are safe, will be taken care of, and show them who they need to go to if they need/want anything. I also always remind them that I'm going away for a little while and I'll be back soon to get them. If there are tears or fits, then I do and say what I have to, then leave asap, always with a hug and a kiss good-bye, so my children understand that throwing fits will not get them what they want. This method isn't the easiest, but it shows my children that I won't abandon them, they are always safe, and to trust me. It's payed off!! Best of luck in your decision making, may God bless you~ Chell

Walk out like nothing's wrong. It will be hard on you both initially, but the day care people are trained to deal with it.

A child who's well-adjusted and feels comfortable with other people will be a huge blessing the older she gets.

It sounds like you're admitting to a little codependence, and a lot of us do things we probably shouldn't because it makes us feel good (I'm not as much of a stickler as I should be on bedtime). But, we're already beginning to regret it.

At 7 mos, I don't know that it matters. She's too young to really understand much.
As she gets older, without question, say Bye Bye. Reason being is that while she may not want you to go, she'll know that you're coming back. Part of the hysterics of you leaving is that you might not come back. She doesn't understand that conceptually. Telling her that you'll be back gives her some reassurance. And while you might still have tears, they'll be short lived.

Again, right now, I don't know that it makes a difference.
But as she becomes a toddler, you'll have less grief if you say goodbye. That's been our experience.

I always had a hard time leaving my little ones. But I found that even if they threw a fit once they could not see me anymore they would calm down. But I would usually would give them kisses and tell them I loved them. Then give them something that would distract them and leave. You may have to play it by ear as every kid is different.

Good luck and God Bless.

I have worked in daycare for almost two years, and the BEST way to help with seperation anxiety is to get her distracted then to quietly leave, she most likelly will cry when she finally realizes you are gone, but the day care teachers are well trained to work with children and will comfort her. And she will only cry for a few minutes and probably want to be held the whole time you are gone

The worst thing that you can do is have her watch you leave that is way too hard on her and as well as you. It will take her way to long to settle with the teachers at the day care.

Good luck!!

If you are unsure, remember - whether you sneak out or say goodbye, she's going to cry if she isn't used to you leaving. Just be consistent with whatever you do and she'll get used to it!
I recommend warning the gym daycare staff that she is likely to freak out the first few times and ask for their help in building a routine. My BF in college worked at an LA Fitness in the daycare and the one thing she griped about most was when parents would switch things up in their drop off routine without warning, the poor kiddos could sometimes cry until their parents returned.
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Edit in Response to Julie L. -

Jamie,
If you are comfortable working out in a gym, GO TO THE GYM. Don't let anyone guilt you into a stay at home routine if you don't feel you can keep it up. I had to get out to a gym to stick to my goals because there was too much to do at home that distracted me - dishes, laundry, yard work, etc...

My neighbor had her MIL living with her. Often she left her toddler twins with grandma when she ran errands. It was no big deal. One day, she and hubbie were leaving for Las Vegas for the weekend. She "snuck out" without telling them good-bye. The kids were ruined!!! From then on - - for several years - - they were terrified if she ever got out of their sight. If they were visiting my house and she got up to go into my kitchen or bathroom, if they looked up from their play and didn't see her, they'd start screaming and get up to run and find her. My personal opinion is that babies are too young to be left in "drop-off" care centers at gyms. Babies can pick up nasty MRSA bacteria (methycillin-resistant staph) on unwashed "naked Barbie" nursery toys. They can be dropped on their heads by a hefty 3-year-old. If it were me, I'd ask hubby or grandma to care for baby at home on some evenings or Saturday mornings.

I can never bring myself to leave my daughter without saying goodbye. The only time I ever do that is if she's playing happily with my husband and I'll run outside to water plants or get the mail, etc. It's only when I'm somewhere that doesn't seem like I've gone "bye bye" and I can easily come right back to her. It's tempting to sneak away, but I just really fear that it could cause anxiety. They don't get the opportunity to learn that you'll come back. Imagine the idea that your mommy could just disappear at any given moment. I know, that sounds completely overly dramatic, but to little ones it could very possible feel that way. My hubby thinks I give our daughter too much credit in some of her thought processes, but I don't! I just don't ever want her to feel scared - why risk it? I would always say goodbye.

I think distracting her could come back to bite you later because she never knows when you are going to leave. One thing that worked for us was giving a "Mama kiss." I would put on a bright lipstick and kiss my son and daughter's hands and leave an outline of my lips. I told them that I was thinking of them and and if they miss me to look at the mama kiss and put it up to their face. (Got the idea from a kid's book called "The Kissing Hand.") And I always reminded them that I'd be back--when I returned I would ask them if they had fun and remind them that I came back.

Say bye that way she knows you won't be there. If you sneak out she won't ever know when you're going to leave.

I always said good bye to my son when he was little. Looking at it from his point of view I wanted him to know that I was not going to just abandon him. Not knowing when your mom is just going to disappear could make for a very insecure kid. I also wanted him to learn that when Mom goes away, she always comes back. He was/is very attached to me. We had a saying that I would start and he would finish and then we would hug: I said, "Mom always...." and he said "comes back!" To this day (he is almost 8) he still remembers how to answer when I say to him "Mom always........."

Also, we practiced at the Y kids corner for a couple weeks before I left him. The sitters there were more than happy to do this. I would leave him for just a minute and come back and then keep adding on time until it was no big deal for him.

I volunteer in the church nursery. We have a family who's 13 month old had always been at home with mom and never left with anyone ever. The mom decided it was time to try the nursery. Dad would bring him after the praise and worship music. So we had him aprox. 1 hour. The first time he cried almost the whole time. We walked him and walked him. The next time it was less. By the 5th Sunday he hardley cries and plays with the other kids. I recommend you to say goodbye everytime. Then make a quick exit. "Mama's going to work out. I'll be back soon. I love you" She will learn in time that you are coming back. 30 minutes is a good start. It's the best thing for you and for her. I've never just snuck out with my daughter. You want her to trust you. I wish the couple at church would put him in a mother's day out. We've talked about it. Mom needs a break!

After reading these answers I sort of feel like a jerk, but I always used to sneak out method and it worked for me. My daughter (2yo) isn't terribly clingy, but if she sees that I'm leaving she'll throw a tantrum. Only family ever babysits her and she has fun with her grammy or uncle so I just get her settled in and distract her with toys then sneak out while she's happily playing. Sometimes she'll ask for me and they just say mommy will be back soon. If I say bye and she sees me leave then she stands at the door screaming for a while. She also went to daycare last year and usually ran straight to the toys and then I would sneak out, but every now and then would wrap herself around my neck knowing that I was gonna leave. Then I would have to hand her off to someone, but they were great and she would stop crying 5 minutes after I left. After a while she realized that I was leaving her there, but she also learned that daddy would be coming to get her later and she adjusted fine.

I really think that even at this young age, you should tell her that you need to go to the gym, and that you'll see her soon. Then give her a hug and kiss, either put her down or in someone's arms, then walk out of the room. She'll be fine, and it will be easier on the child care provider to not have to explain that you're not hiding somewhere in the room. It's tough (trust me!) but worth it.

Definitely say bye, but make it short and sweet. Mommy is going to work out and will be back in 30 minutes, kiss, and leave. I have tried em' both and find this is best. Good Luck!

Updated

Definitely say bye, but make it short and sweet. Mommy is going to work out and will be back in 30 minutes, kiss, and leave. I have tried em' both and find this is best. Good Luck!

Sorry to ask this but what is a sahm? Anyway your daughter needs to get used to not having you around all the time!!! Just tell her bye bye. Practice for a bit, so she'll get use to it!!! If that doesnt work then try the sneaking out thing!!! Good luck!!!!

You've received varying responses to your question.
I've got kids of my own, taken care of lots of others in daycare and have best friends who are teachers.
At 7 months, your daughter won't really understand, but tell her that you are going to the gym and she gets to play! How fun! Yay!
Take her, sign her in, let the daycare person have her or tell you where to take her and kiss her on the forehead and go.
You might want to do a trial run before you actually start your scheduled workouts just to make sure she's acclimated with the new surroundings and the new daycare people. But long, drawn out goodbye's are not good for either of you.
Give a kiss, say bye-bye and go.
If your baby cries, it doesn't mean she's being tortured. It doesn't mean she'll be scarred for life. You're talking about 30 minutes in the same facility that you are in, right?
I've dealt with kids who were just fine with mom or dad saying good-bye and leaving, and some kids actually did better being dropped off and engaged in something and the parents "sneaking out". I don't think it broke trust at all, what it did was make the transition less traumatizing for the child because if the child cried and clung on then the parent felt guilty and felt as though they couldn't leave because their kid was crying. Some parents hated having to leave their kids and the kids could pick up on that and were crying before they even got there.
Some parents believe that never leaving their kids builds more security and trust and it's just my personal opinion, but I believe the opposite.
Little kids who are fine with being left and know that their parents will come back to get them are actually more secure.
The kids whose parents kept things short and sweet as far as good-byes or just snuck out were actually far happier and more well adjusted because the trauma of the good bye wasn't there and it didn't get dragged out.
As kids get older, you can explain....Mommy is going to work (or an appt. whatever) and you are going to play with so and so (or go to school) and then I am going to come get you.
You just have to be positive about it.
I've read tons of posts from moms who are upset about their kids crying when they come to pick them up, like their kid enjoyed being away TOO much.
It's a hard balance. But I think at 7 months, you should let your daughter get used to you being away for 30 minutes a couple of times a week and she will come to understand that Mommy can be away and come back and everything is fine.
My friends who are teachers are very accommodating, of course, but little kids whose parents have a hard time leaving their kids tend to have more difficulty with the separation.
If saying bye-bye, waving and going doesn't work well, let your baby get engaged in something else and just leave without a formal good-bye. In this case, it's 30 minutes and she might not even have time to notice you're not right there.
This is the perfect way for her to build trust that you WILL be back so that when she's a little older, she understands that and it will be easier for you both.

Best wishes.

I have never been a fan of sneaking out. I was mostly home with all my children and always told them good bye. The key is to keep it short, sweet, and YOU have to be confident. If you say "it's ok, mommy will only be gone a bit and then I'll be back, don't cry, this will be fun" you are basically telling them to worry while you are gone! Just a quick talk in the car..."we are going to the gym, you are going to play with friends while mommy works out and then I'll come get you again" with a happy tone in your voice, then, when you drop her off, a quick "have fun sweetie! See you in a bit" with a kiss and a hug and then leave, no drawn out goodbyes, she should be fine. 7 months is a good time to start, I think the high separation anxiety kicks in around 9 months, so if you start now, she should do great.

I think that consistent, upbeat honesty is almost always the best policy. You don't want to do anything to shake your daughter's faith in you or in consistency.

Something that worked well with my daughter when she was going through a clingy stage was to hold her, introduce her to her new caretaker, strike up a friendly, low-impact conversation to show I trusted them, sit with my daughter for a few minutes while she got involved in a toy, and then tell her calmly but positively "Bye, I'll come back soon."

Since your daughter doesn't yet understand "come back soon," you might do well to prep her for a week or so by practicing ever-increasing periods of you "leaving." Start with peek-a-boo games at home: hide behind a book or blanket and tell her you'll come back soon. Then allow longer and longer times before you pop up again. Extend that to leaving the room for longer and longer periods. And do this in different rooms in your house, or in your yard, or other people's homes, so she learns this is true everywhere.

She will almost certainly become blase, or even bored with the game, and get involved in something else. But she'll learn the phrase and get a sense of what it means. And she'll develop faith in the fact that you will, indeed, come back soon. When you take her to the gym, you can start by repeating the game that has by now become familiar. Plan to give it at least 15 minutes before you head out for your workout. You'll probably notice that she relaxes into her new environment fairly quickly. If her first few visits are too stressful for you both, make your first few workouts very short, and try again in a day or two.

But even if she does cry, remember that this is more the norm than the exception. I like the term "Be as inevitable as the tides." Bazillions of anxious mommies have to leave bazillions of anxious babies crying in the arms of a bazillion caretakers when they go to work. In almost every case, the trauma of separation is temporary – I used to babysit a neighbor boy who would scream as though tortured when his parents left. Two minutes later, he'd be happily playing. His mom always had to sneak back and look in a window to assure herself that her son was okay.

Tell her bye, but don't linger. Love you, have fun and kiss and leave. If you sneak out she will be anxious to try to 'catch you' next time. They will have a few tricks to try and settle her, rocking, toys, etc. Remember they don't want her to cry anymore than you do.

Dear J.,
You are a great momma for asking. 2 additional thoughts in addition to the good advice below:

1. I was told to always say "momma and daddy always come back"

2. A good resource "No Cry Separation Anxiety" by Elizabeth Pantley.

Have fun at the gym.

Jilly

I can't tell you how many times I tried to tell parents that their child would settle down just as soon as they left. I have over 13 years in child care and can tell you the parents who hang around and stay and stay make it much harder on their kids then the ones who say "I love you and I'll be back in a little while to get you" then leave. the kids get the idea and the teachers deal with this every day, they know how to get the children interested in an activity or toy.

One thing though, your child is at the age where separation anxiety can start, if she has excessive issues it might be better to wait a while and try exercising at home.

Once she can understand, "You get special playtime with these fun toys/teachers/kids right now, then Mommy will come back!!" by all means, say goodbye. But she doesn't even know what 'bye bye' means at 7 months. And I have a feeling that watching you walk away will be more upsetting to her then perhaps noticing you are not in the room a bit later. Especially since it won't be that long before you're back. I have a super clingy 10-month-old, and you better believe I sneak out!...and plan to continue until my little one can understand, "I'll come back."

The short and sweet works well for us and also prep talk before you get there about what is going to happen and that I will be back.

Please don't sneak out. I think that is so horrible for a child. One minute you are there and then they turn around and you are gone. I always said goodbye to my kids and gave them a kiss. I would smile, smile, smile to let them know it is okay and I would always say "I'll be back, have fun" and then I left no matter how hard they were crying. I didn't linger around or take them back and hold them and cuddle them. I wanted them to see me being happy and confident, no nonsense so they would get over it quicker. At least you know she is at the gym so close to you so if something is wrong the childcare provider can get to you quickly. I also wanted to add, that if she has never been to the gyms child care center, I would hang out with her for a L. bit at first since it will be people and a place that she has never seen before.

Make sure she has a lot of fun toys around her and say good-bye. She may surprise you and not even notice you're gone.

Say good-bye, I'll be back, but don't make a huge deal out of it. If you do, she's more likely to get freaked out.

And make sure the toys are REALLY fun, lol.

(And then, when she's 2, she'll cry when you come back because she was having so much fun).

Definitely say bye bye and let her get used to the idea that you are leaving and mommy will soon be back. Sneaking out is never a good idea, she will lose her sense of security. For a daycare setting, the idea of 'leaving quietly" is just to get the child adjusted to a new caregiver, but I honestly think the M. should introduce the child to the teacher, talk them thru the fact you will be leaving to come back and THEN you can leave, but I didn't like the idea dropping my son off at daycare, him thinking I abadoned him just to have the teachers console him. That's just to make it easier on them. I feel my child also needed to know I wasn't leaving forever. In your case going to the gym, I would encourage letting her see you go and reassuring her you will come back.

I say my bye-bye's ahead of time. I give hugs and love and say I will be leaving after they are settled in. Once we get there, I do just that - see that they're settled in and leave, without another bye-bye because the goodbyes are already said.

You know, having been a working mom all this time, and now my kid is 2, I have found that neither method makes a difference. A 7 month old needs to know that when you leave, you will come back for her, but there is no way to really communicate this with her. She will be unhappy for the first few minutes that you are gone, and then she'll get over it, and when she turns 2 you'll look back and laugh and cry at at the same time over your drama. It's life. My opinion is neither "method" really makes a difference in the end.

Sneaking out is always easier for the parent because you don't have to deal with hearing your child cry. However, it is always better to say goodbye. When you sneak out, your kids will eventually realize that you're gone and then the person caring for your child has to deal with it. It causes so much anxiety for them because they never know where mommy went or when or if she will be back. This is the part that parents rarely see or are aware of when they sneak away. When you say goodbye, yes, they may cry but it will be short-lived. Most kids will recover within minutes of your departure.