Would You Be Mad If Hubby Did This?

I understand your anger and I would be upset. I am a mother of a 5 year old with my husband of 7 years with a 11 year old step-son. Child support is paid but other additional expenses as his obligation do come up such as, medical bills, etc. I do feel he should have dicussed the issue with you. As you are the primary unit of his family, whether or not there were children previous to the marriage. We currently have that issue with my step-sons mother. She feels my husband should choose her son over our families plans or financial status. My husband feels different. He has to live me everyday. Anything that affects us, he discusses with me, even if it may be putting off a bill so we can eat or my son needs something. There may be legal orders to pay, but we feel that if the court can't see that there other obligations to attend to other than children from a previous marriage, they will understand. I don't care what the courts say. My child he lives with everyday, he will take care of the immediate needs of that child first. Advice may not help, but thats how I feel.

You are right to be concerned about your son. My husband and I consult each other on all money decisions. So, I can understand how you would be upset. I would just talk to your husband and ask him to consult you next time he decides to "catch up on bills," or spend a lot of money. Since you are used to paying for everything anyways you need to know what money is being spent.

I have a very similar situation, my husband and I have a 2 year old son, and he has 2 -15 year olds, boy & girl, different mothers. We pay support each month to them. It is a given, no way around it, and I knew it when I moved in with him, almost ten years ago. It never gets any easier, you just learn to deal with it. For the first several years of our relationship, he made twice as much money as I did, but in the last 3 years, the tables have turned. He left his high paying job to take over his dad's shop where he now makes less money than I do. The bills are still "ours", not his or mine, and we make ends meet. I hold the checkbook and pay all of the bills, so if he were to pay things I was not aware of, I would be pissed. The fact is, you married him and had a child with him, knowing that these children required support and he had debt. If you can't deal with it, you should not have gone this far. I don't want to sound rude, but you should not have expected anything to change once you got married. I hate to say this, because I love my step kids dearly, but my husband will be closer to my son because he lives with us, unlike the other kids who he basically only sees every other weekend and at any school or sports event (We attend all of them). I think you overreacted, but you do have every right to be upset with him for not consulting with you. If you feel like this might happen again, you could always open a savings account in you and your son's name, just keep a small amount in there for emergencies, and it will give you the security of knowing you've got a little put back for your son!! I do feel for you because I have many sleepless nights over issues we have with the kids, and where the heck our money is going. I am also curious what you do from home that makes such good money, because I have been looking for opportunites to work from home. Good luck.

Hello... I guess my 1st guestion is, who pays the bills? I pay the bills in our household and if my husband went and paid all the bills without telling me then I would be upset cuz we are on a budget and I have everything all planned out. If your husband is the one that pays the bills then he obviously knows what's going on then I wouldn't be too upset cuz surely he left out enough money for yall to get bottles and clothes for that week. Know what I'm saying? Cuz if it was me budgeting, then I would have paid my bills due that week and left out enough money to buy what I need that week til the next paycheck came in.

It must be hard to have to deal with step-children and ex-wives. I honestly don't know if I could do it. I grew up with step-parents and hope to never have to put my kids through that. There's nothing you cna do about child support. He has to support his kids, right? I don't your son will get left out. My best friend went through what you did years ago and now her husband and son are best friend. The little boy is 5 years old now. I don't know what to tell you here, but to hang in there. When my husband lost his job last year, my mom was so upset that she wanted me to leave my husband but there was no way I coudl do that. WE got through it. Now he has a great job but now we are in debt cuz of him loosing his job, but we'll get through it one day at a time.

Good luck and hang in there. But def. wouldn't tell you family of your situation cuz you don't want your family hating your husband. AFterall you're the one living with him.

Well I can tell you that you are not by yourself. I married a man who I thought was going to have my back in all situations. He brought his 21 year old son, whom we had to make get a job to live with us. We both use to work at Ford in Atlanta, I had to transfer, he couldn't. He took the buy out and even though he has a trade, has had an extremely had time finding a job. Well a job paying anywhere near what we made at Ford. His child support is taking most of his money and I have had to do all the extra. It sucks, but what I have realized is that if you love your man and you feel like he is really doing the best he can do, what can you really ask of him. Communication is the key. I know I am not going to get a divorce, so I have had to just suck it up and deal with it the best way I can. His daughter is 11. My kids are 10 and 6. All I can say is just make sure your man knows what you want and expect from him.

A.,
I'd be frustrated! It is tough when you aren't involved in a big decision. I hope you've been able to discuss what you are feeling with your hubby. He might not even realize that you feel left out. And you have the right to feel that way. If you need clothes, we have lots of clothes from our twins (we had gotten lots of hand me downs but they are still in good condition. Don't know where you live, we're in Elkhart by JimTown North Elementary. If you are interested in any clothes just let us know. Know it doesn't solve the underlying problem but I hate to think of any little one needing clothes when ours are just sitting in the attic. God bless. J.

Well you're not crazy!! Just a little insecure it sounds through no fault of your own. I agree that he should have consulted you. Anything to do with the family...needs to be discussed by both parties. It's called consideration. As far as your child goes...there's nothing you can do about his child support payments. You have to get that part out of your mind cause you'll end up driving yourself insane. Unless your other half totally ignores your child or something of that nature...try with all you have not to dream up something that isn't there. You'll end up pushing your other half away, and you don't want that. He's probably having some bad feelings as well knowing that he's not contributing financially. You can use this situation to draw you two closer together. You don't want the money you earn to become yours or his..you want it to be "ours." Therefore, the decisions have to be "ours." Good luck!

Hi, A.! My hubby dosent have kids from a previous marriage, but I have a daughter from a previous marriage and my hubby and I have a son together. We are also a younger couple and we also live paycheck to paycheck...and believe me, I know how you are prolly feeling. The thing with men is that sometimes they really dont think. Your hubby prolly has no idea that what he did upset you so much. Mine used to spend money more loosely when there were other things that we needed, and the reality is that unless you tell your hubby what you need and want, he will be clueless. Just talk, that always works for us. Let him know how it made you feel and from now on, the day before he gets his check, say "ya know hun, our son needs some new jammies and bottles out of tomarrows check" 9 times outta 10 he'll do it happily. As for the child support issue, theres nothing you can do about that. He has an obligation (and he should want) to take care of the kids he brought into this world. His kids are blessed that their dad is doing his part. Don't resent him or them over that. Remember that they were there 1st...and you entered into a relationship w/ your hubby knowing he had kids (and with that comes child support) I'm not at all trying to sound rude, but on this one I'm on the other side of the fence (my ex pays me child support) and he does it happily. Everything will work out. Good luck!

Please don't take this the wrong way. When you first got together with Scott, you knew he had obligations to other children. With that being said, compromise is a wonderful thing! I have been where you are and I am past that. My step-daughter received child support for years, well into her college years. I don't like that she got the money "off the top" of our take home pay, and I did resent that they did not need to account for the spending of the money.
Anyway, your son is too young to realize he is getting short changed right now and by the time he does realize, you will be out of this hole. Keep that in mind.
Yes, I would be angry for the way the situation came about, but commend your man on being responsible and communicate your feelings now before they become something unmanageable.

I am in a similar situation with the previous marriage and kids. My hubby has one older child, two that live with us, I have two that live with us, and we have two together.(7 kids total) I hate to say this, but you knew when you got married that he had other children and prior obligations. I knew the same thing. One thing you have to understand is that those children from a previous marriage came first and long, hard thought should have been given before you and he had a child together. I am not judging you at all. My hubby and I had to do the same. You have to understand that the child(ren) he had prior should come first because they were here first (in regards to finacial obligations). I would be mad if my hubby did what yours did, but what can be done once the money is gone? Not a darn thing. One question though. If you are bringing in extra cash, why not use what you make to pay for your's and your son's neccessities? One thing that I use around my house is a dry erase board. I break down the bills each month, by what needs to be paid each pay day. I write what bill it is, how much it is and the total of all the bills. That way my hubby and I know what is going out when and how much we have leftover to spend on ourselves and our children.

I don't understand what he did? Paid up on the bills? If your not starving and the baby has milk, etc then I wouldn't be mad.

A.,
You need to let go of the resentment you feel to your step children and towards your husband for having to pay support for them. You knew when you married him that he had these other children and you should be honored that he takes on the responsibility of them financially, alot of men don't. Your husband shoul have consulted with you first but better yet you all need to discuss your financial situation weekly anyway just so that everyone is on the same page. The good news is he paid bills and didn't waste the money on unnecessities , If that truley were the case. My husband and I began sitting down together on Saturday morning and writing the bills together they gave us an oppurtunity to discuss expenses that were coming up and anything else that would would like to do. Don't feel as if your son is getting the shaft. He gets his father all the time. Time is worth so much more then anything that money can buy. You need to sit down with your husband and simply tell him that you hoped he would have talked to you about it first because you needed to buy a few extra things for the baby now that he is getting bigger. I hear alot of I make more then he does. I don't mean to be judgemental but a marriage is about becoming 1. Your income is both of yours now , you are a family. With that said, I do believe in setting a little aside for yourself cause I am a little confused if he is your husband or your fiance. If he is your fiance and not married yet Finances is definately something you all need to discuss PRIOR to marriage. Good luck.

I would feel the same way....My ex hubby puts his step children before his own...I have custody of our children and he wanted child support lowered because he had to pay for the other twos schooling....Yah he sent them to private school...I was so angry with him when I got those court papers....I know just how you feel because it's sad when the children that are also or actully are theirs get the short end of the stick....

A.,

First I want to say I understand your hurt feelings. I know what that's like to not be considered, when you go to him with this, sit back and think about what the money went for. You said his kids are middle school and high school age and 3 of them starting school can be really expensive. I would like to think that this was where that money went. If he paid off things that you were paying on monthly then look at the bright side you won't have to pay them in September and pants and pj's can be bought then, and winter isn't upon us yet. I would be so angry if you had said he went drinking and gambling with the guys and lost the mortgage or rent money. I've been married 32yrs and raised 4 children and 2 grandsons. I could tell you stories about how truly bad it could be. Just explain to him that the next time he wants to help with the budget to let you know and you will be glad to sit down with him and show him where the money goes.

Huggs M.

P. S. Do tell about the home business. I’m interested. :) ____@____.com

Hey A., I would be mad as well. I am a stay at home mom of two small kids right now and not making any money. I handle the money anyway even though my husband makes it. My husband is not good at handling the money, like most men. They often do not think before they spend. What you are going through is tuff, just hang in there, those older children won't get child support forever. My husband and I live on $300.00 a week with two babies, so I understand living pay check to pay check. I have looked for a legitimate home business that I could do, but have not found anything right yet. So, be glad that you hve been able to do as well as you have from home. I hope things get better for both of us. M.

P.S.
Also, I would like to know about the home business that you are doing. Please email me with some info. My email address is ____@____.com Thanks!!

A.,
Short answer- I would be mad because marriage (or living together) is a 50/50 deal. There is no room for secrets or sneaking. Longer answer- I have always been someone who felt--
don't date someone who is divorced or divorced with kids unless you are a very forgiving person who is not jealous of the past. I knew this, so I avoided dating anyone who had been married even though I was attracted or interested in them. I knew FOR ME, it would not work. It takes someone very tolerant to deal with ex-wives & step-children. This may be you, but if not, you will have a long road ahead of you. My advice would be to talk to your fiance & let him know that there must be open communication, or feelings will be hurt & anger will brew. I would expect him to treat your child just AS WELL as his, but you can't expect BETTER treatment, because his children are all a part of him. Plus, that is not fair to his other children who have been through enough, I am sure, with divorced parents. That's all- good luck to you! I think you can fix this with a little more open communication. Just remember, He loves you & your child, but he has responsibilites to his other children (child support, ect)also :)

I can understand that you would be upset. My family also lives paycheck to paycheck and it's a hard situation. It sounds like his money goes toward his bills and your money goes to the household bill....am I right? That's great that he wants to catch up on things, but he shouldn't do so at the expense of your child. As far as the jealousy over the child support..I think you kind of just have to get over that. Sorry if that's mean. It's not something that you can change and dwelling on it will only make things worse. Be happy that you have a man that is willing to take care of his children. There are so many of them our there that aren't.

Hi A.,
I can understand how you feel. My husband does not have children from another marriage but I do sometimes feel frustrated that he acts like some of ihs expenses are imperative when my car may need new breaks etc. Why did we HAVE to have a 300dlls air compressor that he's used twice in 6 months? ;)
On the other hand, I come from a divorced family and it was always so painful for my sisters and I bc my dad remarried and we had to "beg" for things we needed. He gave us the bare minimum and well, my step-dad wasn't going to get a second job for his step-kids so we had to eat a lot of pre-cooked Sams food full of preservatives, high in starch and fat contents etc. I had ONE bra and wore more toilet paper than femenine pads cos he's complain of the cost while my mom worked her butt off.
On the other hand, I know it was also hard for my step-mom. She also had kids and she wantes them to have everything we had, at least. If we got a watch for xmas, they'd have to get the exact same... My dad eventually stopped paying for their trips and said their dad had to fork out the money.
Anyway.... since you are the one who makes the money.... I can understand you'd feel that he was disrespectful.
However, when I pay bills (I am a SAHM and I do all administrative duties of the family) I do not check with my husband, I ONLY let him know so he doesn't overdraw the acct thinking there's more in there.
He trusts me completely and just hands me the money over.
I do spend responsibly most of the time, when I chose to buy a 400dlls diaper bag, I did ask him if it was ok and he said yes. I also pushed him to get the PS3, 500 or so!! but we all need our playtime too.
I would just tell him to let you know beforehand next time in case there are other needs.
My ex (hence, ex) always had luggage and I paid for tickets, DWI's you name it, attorneys... wrecked car, he nevermade enough and my money always had to compensate for his stupidity. I always made more money and I really resented him.
I do think however, that you need to separate your money from his child support and any expense that is not a living expense. I would never expect my new husband to pay for my children if I had children w/another person! I think that's terrible, I'd tell him to work 3 jobs if necessary and I would NOT put my money into something that is not your responsability
Sorry, hope I didn't ramble too much, I have a lot I was thinking when reading your post.. Hope I helped some :)

Amy

Wow...money can certainly be an issue. Since it seems to be a major budget struggle, I would suggest looking into some budget help to work together to see what you can do. I listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio all the time (I know, I know) But...he does the total money makeover and has a website..I think it is daveramsey.com..but not sure of the spelling and he talks about a basic budget and how to get out of debt...with any income level. Obviously you have no control over the money going out to the ex and kids...unless it is overwhelming then you can revisit it with court. Certainly another issue is just the teamwork or your perception of lack thereof. Blended families are tough, but maybe between some budget counseling and maybe re-visiting with the church person who married you two would put it in perspective and give another unbiased opinion. Good luck! :)

A., I think you have a right to be mad at your husband. I have the same problem with mine because he thinks he can make all the decisions without talking to me first, or seeing how I feel about it. Which really pisses me off.

Feelings are never wrong. You have a right to feel discouraged. Having said that though, here's my advice. You and your fiance are in a partnership. You have to, have to, HAVE TO keep communication open between you. He may have no clue that you needed things for you and the baby. In fact, knowing how men are in their way of thinking, he may think that because he told you what he was going to do, that you would've said something if you had needed anything. I think that women have to remember just how different our way of thinking is than men's. You may be sitting there getting angrier and angrier for nothing. You'll never know until you communicate with him. I have learned over time that when I'm upset about something, the best thing to do is go straight to my husband. First of all, I'm not sitting there stewing about it, and second of all, in the end, talking it out solves the issue and keeps the same thing from happening again. Try to always remember that things are not always obvious to other people like they are to each of us. Talk to him about it and then let it go. Choose your battles with him or else you'll be getting mad about every little thing.