For the Sahm's - Do Your Husbands Give You an Allowance or a Grocery Budget?

Ah! Money & power, power & money....

A budget is a budget.
How would a SAHM 'get' any cash if her husband didn't give it to her?
Would she feel squirrelly because she had to ask him for it, or does she PERCIEVE it as awkward to be "handed" $X for the week ( grocery & walking around money)?
What's the difference it a SAHM is debiting from an account funded only her husband?
If there's not a weird power play going on, then what's the big deal? Don't we all, to some extent, live on a budget?

One of my jobs as a SAHM is to handle the family finances. I spend the family money as I see fit and give my husband a spending allowance. I can see a husband and a wife making a budget together. In my family I am good at handling the finances, my husband is not.

I work outside the home and I have a grocery budget. Not seeing why that is a bad thing under either circumstance. Budgets help keep the whole house on the same financial page, they're not a punitive restriction if you don't view them as one.

Whether you have a lot of money or are just barely getting by, having a budget is just common sense. We try to live within a monthly budget for all kinds of things, including groceries. Of course my husband doesn't TELL me how much to spend, we decide it together, and as the homemaker it's my job to do my best to stay within it. It's basic financial planning.
Now, allowance? Well, when we were younger and poorer we each had a fixed amount of "fun" money per month, because we didn't have a lot of cash and didn't want to run up debt. But again, that was something we planned and agreed on together.
These days we are lucky enough to have more disposable income, and we've been married long enough not to have to run every single purchase by each other. BUT, we are still, and always will be, very aware of what we are spending and how it affects our bottom line.

It would not be OK for a financially comfortable family to have a high earner dole a restrictive allowance to his/her stay-at-home partner as if their spouse deserved no financial freedom. Assuming as with most stay-at-home spouses, the spouse is doing just as much for the family and working every bit as hard, and assuming a restriction was unnecessary due to wealth.

My ex and I had a joint account. He travelled and earned, I took care of all bills, shopping, taxes and financial matters, as well as all house and kid duties, and neither one of us hassled the other about spending. BUT, neither of us had any frivolous spending issues, and we always agreed to our budget depending on how much or how little money we had at any given time. Technically, I sort of put him on a budget at times by explaining the bank balance was really low, we had X number of bills, and he could only spend X that month out on the road doing whatever. I was much better at budgeting and saving than him, and he didn't want to be involved.

But, what if there is ONLY a very limited amount of money, and what if the stay-at-home spouse WOULD go out and blow it on frivolous things and drive the family into debt? I have several friends who probably SHOULD be on allowances. They literally spend money faster than their spouses can earn it.

Some people giving allowances could be psychotic control freaks with selfish natures, but some could be doing what it takes to keep the family afloat.

Depends on the motives and situation.

i think this is semantics. and perception.
no grown woman (or man) would enjoy being given a parsimonious 'allowance' and being admonished by a paternal partner to stick to it.
but reasonable adults will sit down together and establish a budget.
i work fitfully these days, and have for a few years now, so the bulk of the income by far is from my husband. he also does the bills and bookkeeping because i'm hopelessly bad at it. it would certainly be nice if i took it from him, but we've learned over the years to play to our strengths.
i broke the budget a few times, so yes, we did come to an agreement that if either of us need to spend more than the usual couple hundred at the grocery or feed store, we'd let the other know so that we don't both do it during one pay period. it wasn't him scolding me or me meekly accepting a 'restriction.' it was both of us having a conversation. the only one who's ever overdrawn the account is me, but i don't get outraged if he says 'babe! don't be that amazon queen!'
i don't know many couples who DON'T have some sort of financial restriction. without an unlimited source of income, how does it NOT happen?
khairete
S.

I have heard of this happening and I think it is horrible. The ONLY way I could possibly justify a SAHM getting an allowance would be if she had some serious issues such as gambling, over spending, etc.

How demoralizing for the SAHM. Good grief, a husband does not "own" his wife.

We are a team at my house, I am not my husband's child, he does not own me and that behavior would not fly around here.

I manage the financials for home and business but hubby is fully aware and onboard. We do not question each other's expenses. We buy things as we need them. On large purchases, such as household repairs, etc, we f course make joint decisions on those.

When my mom was a SAHM, SHE put HIM on an allowance LOL. I remember that forever and ever, she would take his check to the bank, deposit it, take out cash for the week, put it in envelopes, hand him his for lunch, gas and milk and she kept the rest. She had some cash for groceries, gas and incidentals, paid the bills with checks and occasionally brought the check book or credit card along to pay for something. My dad had no credit cards and I don't think he ever carried or wrote checks. If one of them needed extra money for a haircut or something, she took a little extra out of the bank. She also bought all of his clothes and toiletries.

Sometimes I marvel at how passive he was, but she has a mind for numbers and the time to do this, so she did. Managing the household finances was part of her job, his job was to bring home a paycheck and keep the health insurance. They trusted each other and played to each others' strengths. It's been working for 42 years and counting!

The plus of this is that you have an exact amount of money that you are in charge of. You don't have to worry about asking for the check book or card when you need to run to the store for milk.

If you save money on groceries then the rest of that money is spending cash that you don't have to be accountable for.

I like that freedom from having to try to get everyone together to go over the budget and manage how the money will be spent. I like having the freedom. It's by my choice when we've done this in the past. I really was feeling stressed and wanted to have less responsibility.

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I don't want credit cards, I really really really hate having to sit down and do the checkbook, I really really like having cash to buy stuff with. When it's gone it's gone. No overdraft protection fees, no short term loans, and no thousands of dollars per year paying a company to put off my purchases until I can afford them. Paying from something on credit means, to me, that I can't afford it in reality or I'd pay cash.

If my husband was suddenly gone I'd have to manage it myself. Not a huge deal but I'd probably only use the checking account for automatic deposits from what ever funds I'd still have.

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The other way of looking at this is this.

If "YOU" manage the money and give hubby an allowance it's okay.

If you don't think so look at the answers. Several said their husbands allowed their wives to do this to them.

If "we" think less of a woman who allows a man to do this to her then what do "we" think of a man who'd allow his wife to do this to him.

Is this simply a matter of word choice? We have a budget in our house, and every spending category has a monthly goal or limit. Even though I do the household finances, this is a group effort with 100% transparency. Our monthly grocery budget is $500. If at the 4th weekend when my wife takes her Sunday trip to the grocery store, and there is only $75 left in the budget, she tries her best but it is not absolute. Same for clothes: $200/month for the family. Some months we spend way less, so when she wants to splurge, the money is usually there because it's been carried over from previous months. Our budget discipline allows each of us to splurge occasionally; for me, a new tool; for her, whatever! So I think the words "budget" and "allowance" mean the same thing, but it's the communication between spouses that needs work.

No. My husband doesn't "give" me anything. Everything we own belongs 100% to both of us. We are a team, not opposing parties.

Now we do budget but we do it together.

Ha! If my husband did that, I'd give him a bill for all the things I do for my family that he'd have to HIRE someone to do. Then I'd tell him to prove to me that I spend that much on ANYTHING...

I wouldn't be married to a man who would do that, quite frankly. I wouldn't call myself "frugal", but I'm a good steward of money. My husband knows he didn't marry a spendthrift. He also knows that I appreciate him for the work he does to make a living. I am part of his success, by the way. And he knows that too.

Hmmm….I guess I am wondering why as stay-at-home moms, their husbands are handling the finances instead of them. I handled all the finances in my house, and I did indeed give myself a grocery budget and my husband and I each had an allowance. It just made balancing our budget so much easier.

I did know a stay-at-home mom who actually asked her husband to give her an allowance because handling the finances was too overwhelming for her. I felt like she put herself in a parent-child relationship with her husband when she did that. And for some reason, she didn't get herself her own credit cards and only used his. I sure hope he doesn't ever dump her. She'll be in a real bind if that ever happens.

Well, we are fortunate enough to not have to worry about a grocery budget for the time being.That said, I'm also by nature very frugal and don't drop money on extras without checking in with my husband first. Less to ask permission and more because some purchases can be put off if things are tight. I'd rather wait a few weeks for some purchases than put it on the credit card and pay interest on it.

That said, years ago with my ex-husband, when I was the only one employed, yes, we did have a food budget, out of sheer necessity. I knew how much we had to spend each week, had a minimal menu I stuck with, and when I went shopping, I was keeping track of the tab adding up the prices as I went along. So, I understand that for many families, a grocery budget isn't a sexist control tool but a necessity to make ends meet. Even 'well off' families with a higher mortgage and bigger expenses, this isn't outrageous, just realistic. You are fortunate not to have needed this sort of structure, but I think it's too easy to say 'that's nuts' if you haven't had to choose between buying a spaghetti sauce and pasta dinner or a three pack of underwear. These are the kinds of choices many families do have to prioritize.

I should add- my husband prefers to handle the money and "spending money" is pretty 50/50 between us. (When his boss gave him a gift card to a store for doing some emergency work, my husband said to me "half of this is yours". ) I'm not kept in the dark on expenses... he just likes doing it. I could argue, but why? I feel blessed to stay home, not cheated.

Your husband gets a paycheck from his work, so why not have a paycheck from your husband. His work pays him x amount to do his job and he pays me x amount for mine.

Why is a budget insane? You have a static amount of money coming in, there has to be a limit on what can be spent and where.

I am pretty sure if grocery costs had skyrocketed your husband would have sat down and said you are spending too much. Just because that discussion never took place doesn't mean there weren't constraints on your spending.

I have an allowance. It just keeps the spending in check. My allowance goes towards everything but gas and bills (so gymnastics isn't in it because it's a monthly bill). But it does include things like food, clothes, eating out, etc. I get $380 a week, so it's not very restrictive. Plus, if I need more, I still have an ATM card and/or credit card. It's really just to help me be more aware of money being spent. My spending was drastically reduced when it was actual cash coming out of my wallet than just throwing around a credit card.

I remember one time I was going outlet shopping with a friend while the guys stayed home with the kids. On the way out the door my DH said "try not to spend over $500." My friends hubby says " you never give a woman a budget because it then becomes her goal to spend every cent of that money!" LOL

But seriously, any budget hubby and I make is always made as a couple. We are self employed so if there are times that business is slow we will be stricter on the budget but it is always done as a team effort not one controlling the budget while the other is treated like a child.

My husband has no interest in finances at all. I make the budget, pay the bills, file the taxes, choose the investments, etc. I even fill out his insurance info and other related stuff for his job. His pay is direct deposited where I designated it to go.

I give him cash at the beginning of each month for his incidentals. He calls it his allowance, but he's just being cute. it isn't about controlling him, but to save me from having to record a bunch of tiny debit charges. The amount was determined by tracking and adding up his tiny debits for a couple of months.

Our accounts are joint, all the records are neatly filed and accessible if he wanted to see them. He doesn't take an interest at all. He's lucky I know what I'm doing and not a psycho out to destroy him. :-p

Added: All households should have a budget. It is a sign of financial health, no matter the size of income. It should be mutually agreeable though. Unless you're dealing with a gambling problem or other issue where money must be protected, no wife or husband should have to ask for money to buy groceries every week, or be denied access to household accounts.

Well we have a household budget that we try to stick to ($200 per week for groceries/household supplies, mortgage, insurance, electric, etc). When either of us wants to purchase something that isn't a small money item we discuss it with each other to determine if it fits in the budget and if we agree on the purchase. If I bought myself a $1500 ring without discussing it my husband would be upset. Likewise, if he built a new computer for $900 without discussing it with me I would be peeved.

I'm a bit surprised this is even an issue. It's called a budget. It has nothing to do with someone being "given" or "allowed" a certain amount of money. It's not financial restriction, it's being smart with finances. The only problem I could see with this situation would be if the spouses are using terminology such as "this is MY money and I will GIVE YOU this certain amount of MY money". That would be a problem because of the general attitude. But sticking to a budget and agreeing to try to spend only a certain amount of money on food or for outings? It makes sense to me and I don't know how you would live otherwise. Most budgets are made with both partners working together to agree on how much money can/should/is needed to be spent in each area. Yes, I absolutely have a grocery allowance (if you want to use that term) but it is something my husband and I go over together and agree on together. I have input and help to determine how much money I need to spend. The only reason your above scenario would bother me would be if the wives had no input because they were made to feel as if it was not "their" money. I doesn't sound outrageous at all to me, it sounds quite smart actually.

Well we talked about our budget and we did set a grocery budget and we both have an agreed upon amount that is free money, it is the same for both of us though. In my marriage I am the spender and my hubby is the saver by nature, so I really need a budget bc I can let the money fly easily! It might all be on good things, but it adds up quick! We just talk to each other if we need to spend outside the budget, but neither of us can just spend freely.

I've almost always worked - fulltime except for a few years when my youngest was a toddler and I worked less. My husband and I ALWAYS have had separate finances (I've been married 23 years, half my life). What we are each responsible for has depended upon how much money each person made at any given point. So, I have never been completely dependent upon someone else for money, I have always had some income.

When my mother was a housewife after she started having children, in the 1950's, she wrote the bills, did the budget and banking, and was very clear with my father that her "job" in the home was of value, and that if she ran out of stockings, lipstick, perfume, etc., she was just going to buy them. She considered these things necessities, and was not going to have to ask to get a haircut or buy makeup.

Well, I'm not a SAHM, but my husband is a SAHD. I do not give him an allowance.

Well I don't have an allowance or grocery limit. I don't think it's insane either. Families have to do what works or what is comfortable for them.

Now if one if one of the people you know who do this have a problem with it then I think it's insane for them either not speaking up or their partners shutting them down.

No, I don't get an allowance. When we were a young couple and the money came in once a month, we had a budget for everything. All the bills were paid first. The food budget was a certain amount and I made up menus for the month so that I did not go overboard. Whatever I could cook from scratch was what we had and leftovers were eaten a lunch the next day.

Now that we have gotten older and wiser, hubby runs many of his "pet project ideas" by me before we decide what he wants to spend his money on. He feels that he needs an allowance so that he does not run the family finances into the red. We do do things as a couple or unit so that we can get to the next step or goal. Sometimes one or the other has to wait a bit but we do get it done. Our house is our next priority to get ready for retirement with new appliances and such and they will be done in the next year.

I work outside the home and put money into the joint checking account to pay for bills the same as he does. We have our fun accounts so that we don't blow the family budget. This is something we set up a long time ago when he was in the military so that we are in the black and not the red.

He says he trust my judgment and does not feel like he has to stand over me and dictate what I can and cannot do with the finances. We have a lot more money now than when the kids were home but that is life.

The last allowance I had was when my dad was alive and I lived at home before he died while I was in my teens.

the other S.

I think that in some cases it probably is more about control. For some, maybe just a case of budgeting and strength versus weakness. I think that if that machine is running fine in THAT HOUSEHOLD, it's none of my business. In my mind, a major key to a successful marriage is to create a system and dynamic that works for the couple, not for outsiders.

Yea for you that your husband met your need for financial freedom and empowerment. That must have helped you to feel really confident in your role during a time when you could have felt small.

I accepted that in my last marriage. Never again.

I handle all the finances for our family as my husband puts it... he is CEO, and I am CFO.

Do we have a grocery budget? Yes, we do. Is it locked in steel, no. If I find a great deal on something I stock up and realize it will lower costs later. And then make sure that is does.

As far as allowances go...both my husband, and I have allowances. We both get the same amount of cash running around money each payday. We can use it any way we want to save for something we want that isn't in the regular budget or go out to eat with friends or buy whatever we want with it no questions asked.

So really the same budget "rules" apply to both of us. We have made the budget together, and I make it run and keep us in line and on target.

But really I am not a child, and he is not my father, so to be given an amount of money, patted on the head and told this is what you can spend on groceries/allowance is really not what should be happening in a marriage.

I know of a marriage like that, and they ended up in counseling because she was having the urge to hurt her husband for being so controlling.

But each marriage is different...ours works for us...and the books are totally open, my hubby can check them anytime...don't know if he has but if he does its okay we are on the same page.

Well, he doesn't GIVE me an allowance or grocery money. I am the money manager in the family so I'm the one who does that. We each get an "allowance" which is a certain amount of money we each have to spend without having to be accountable for that to each other. Kind of a 'mad money' thing. And I take all our grocery money (and allowances) out in cash at the beginning of the month. When it's gone, it's gone.

Most people I know live within certain "financial restrictions". You should consider yourself quite privileged to not have to live within a budget. Even stranger to me is that you think everyone else lives like this, as I can't say I know anyone who doesn't have to live within a budget of some kind.

And on top of that, you are thankful that he didn't put these restrictions on you, hinting at the fact that he could have if he had wanted to. My husband would never have the chance to do so, as I control the money even though he makes most of it. So, I'm thinking I'm in an even more secure position that you are.

No, I'm the household executive, I.e. The financial planner.

I buy things as I see fit.

My husband and I both work , but we still have a grocery budget and stick to an "allownace" for ourselves. We came up with it together, but that way we know where the money is going. Now, if I need more one week for something, it is not like I CAN'T get more money or that he can't, buy it makes me aware of what I am spending.

I had a minister once speak on this and he was open about the fact that he never wanted his wife to feel like she had to "ask" him for money since he was the one that "worked". He said she also worked very hard running their household. But what they did is they had basically "their" money, his money and her money. I don't know how they divided it up, but he said he did not want her to feel like she had to explain what she was spending money on or ask for it.

Um, no. I handle the household money. My husband and I are partners, and he values what I do as a SAHM way too much to denigrate me that way. I am not his employee, his child, or his chattel.

Added: What you describe is quite different from spouses setting budget limits together. Then it is not one person dictating to another. It is a couple being smart about money.

We have a joint account...I do work part time, but very little...it all goes in one pot of money. I spend what we need (and no more) - we are both very frugal. Money has never been a problem because we are savers. I'm thankful that we both have the same ideas about spending and saving. Sometimes I wish we spent more, but neither of us are comfortable with that.
I keep thinking about how "you can't take it with you", but there's so much peace of mind knowing you have a big cushion for a rainy day.

I have never been a SAHM, but even if I had, being out on an allowance would have pissed me off to no end. I haven't gotten an allowance since I was a child.
I have no more desire to have someone else handle all my financial decisions than I do to have the responsibility for anyone else's. When I was married, we BOTH had paying jobs, we EACH had our own bank account, and we BOTH paid a share of the monthly bills commensurate with our income. Whatever money either of us had left after all the necessities were taken care of, we were not accountable to the other for.

we have always had a budget. How can you live with out one? There has to be a limit somewhere. You have to know where all your money is going. It's just being smart with your money.
My husband never gave me an allowance. Our money is OUR money. It's up to both of us to follow the budget that we made together. We were not always smart with our money and that did not end well, but we are working on building up his credit score and getting out of debt. Even though we weren't always good with the budget, we still tried to make it work.
Now we are actually saving money every month and are getting ready to buy a home. We are very strict with our budget and do our best to not go over it.

My husband and I have joint accounts. All money goes into to both from our paychecks. He handles the finances as that is his strength. I don't like doing it. I'm the CEO and he is the CFO. I trust him completely with our money and he has done a wonderful job the last 28 years.

We had a food budget and I would stay within that budget when I was a SAHM. Even when I was working, I planned my menu. It helped with shopping and I knew what we were having for dinner each night.

My husband has not tried to control me like that. I look at that as control. Money and power. Our marriage is a partnership.

That wouldn't fly in my house, but we'd have a budget, same as we do now with both of us working. I dp the budgeting in our house, pay the bills, make sure everything is taken care of. I am a math person (by profession and education) and enjoy it, whereas it drives him crazy.

If he wants something extra than what we have talked about, we discuss it more, because sometimes the extra $ is there and sometimes not. It's all a matter of respect though. We have common goals, and to get there, we have to respect our budget and each other.

uuhhh... noooo...
If anybody is "given" a budget, it is him. (For his whims of books, music and golf).
We discuss or general household budget as a whole a few times a year (well, we are supposed to, actually we discuss it when we need a change of some sort which isn't often). As a rule, I am the one who manages the purse strings. He would need some acclimating to take over the family/household budget and probably couldn't even tell you what our monthly mortgage payment is. I could tell you within 35 cents.
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But it isn't that he isn't allowed to spend $. He can and does. But he is aware of a "general" amount that is ok to spend on things that are frivolous entertainment for himself alone. We also have similar amounts that are general knowledge (a loose budget) for family entertainment/movies/eating out, etc. None of it is set in stone. He isn't someone who blows a lot of money recklessly (and neither am I). He does tend to spend it in small dollar amounts quite easily without realizing, though ($5 here, a CD for 99 cents plus $4.99 shipping there, etc).
We even went all cash for a period of time. These days, we do all credit, and earn cash back (pay in full at least once per month).

No. I manage the money in our house, and we both spend money as we see fit. We use credit cards for pretty much everything, both to keep track of where our money is going, and to earn cash back, but I pay the amount in full a couple of times a month. We never carry a balance or pay fees or interest. We don't live on a budget, but we're both very responsible about money, and I don't worry about either of us overspending.

I have been a SAHM for about 12 years. My husband and I have joint accounts, and we do our budget together. We organize our finances together (groceries, clothing for us and the kids, etc.). Both of us set a specific amount of money for our stuff, such as entertainment or miscellaneous, and try to stick with it. We keep an open communication if any of us need more money or plan to do something different. It works very well, and both of us know how much money we have at the moment, how much we have left, and where the money goes all the time.

I actually control all our finances and if he wants to spend a larger amount he asked me first. He has always insisted that I do just as much to contribute as he does and any money we have is ours, even if he is technically the one earning it.

every family should have a budget.

IMHO, a couple develops a budget together regardless of who is working and the division of income. I'm divorced now, but if I ever married again and one of us didn't work, I'd expect that we decide together what to spend on the household. If we couldn't do that, it speaks to a troubling incompatibility of values not to mention a lack of trust.

Wow! Grateful much? I'm just blessed to be a sahm for 13 years & on a BUDGET & ALLOWANCE! Not rich but content.

Hubby and I are on all accounts. I have been a SAHM for over 13 years, not once have I been given an allowance or budget for groceries. I will tell him if I plan on making a purchase that is much bigger then normal tho. not for permission, but he knows to look for it when he is looking at our accounts.