Can My Marriage Survive?????

Hi M.,
I married a man with a child, his ex paid NOTHING!!! And we had to pay her, she was supposed to pay 50% of the medical, this never happend, never. So completely and utterly let this go, Please. You married a man with three kids, kids are expensive. I mean seriously, think of those kids, put them first, they will appreciate it later. Once again you made the decision to marry a man with three kids, and the medical bills are nothing, we paid 1k a month in child support for one kid, plus travel and his clothing and everything else. But I love this child, I love my husband and the child is part of him. Try to come from a place of generosity, not fear. Let it go, please, it is not worth it.

It is true that once you are married you both share each other's debts. However, he shouldn't be expecting you to pay for his ex-wife's bills. That should be his responsibility. Is he out working all day too? Why is he paying her bills by the way? That is her obligation. Sorry I am not understanding, I'll keep quiet now!

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but it really wasn't a good idea to marry a man with minor children. It takes away from his relationship with his kids, and you will always have these types of frustrations....at least for the next 8 yrs. when the youngest is 18...but wait, then you will probably have arguments over who pays how much for college. Those are his kids and it is his job to take care of them in every way possible. He doesn't want to argue with their mother over her 50% so that they have medical care. He's taking care of them. Since you do not have any children with him, I think you should tell him that he needs to focus on raising his children, and not focus on trying to keep you happy. When you marry a man with kids, you can't assume everything will go as smoothly as you think it should. It won't. By the way, a marriage is about 2 people coming together and joining their lives. I think it's silly to have separate bank accounts when you are married. I think it would be honorable of you to bow out gracefully so that he can spend his time and energy on his children. They are really the ones suffering. You are still young enough to find a man without children who you can join your life with, without having to share him with kids and an ex-wife. Since you are a teacher, I'm sure you have seen the problems kids have when parents divorce and remarry. Of course, this is just my opinion.

Try 2 separate accounts and one joint account. It solves a lot of these problems. You don't want to lose part of who you are in this situation because if you do, you make yourself vulnerable and then your husband might not appreciate you as much. Stay strong and firm. Good Luck.

Dear M. - Money is one of the biggest issues you will deal with in a marriage - too many times women give away all their power in a relationship and I encourage you to keep listening deeply to what is right for you. You will not be able to "change" your husband but you can absolutely decide what is ok for you. He may have a hard time negotiating with his ex - but that doesn't mean that you have to bail him out. This of course does not mean that you don't love his kids - I'm sure you do - nor does it make you a "bad" wife or mom to take care of your finances in a responsible way. Decide what works for you - draw a clear boundary and let your husband sort out his problems with his ex - if they have a legal agreement they should both honor it - this is their problem - not yours to fix. Good luck.

As soon as you married him, HIS children became YOUR children. You knew he had these kids before you married, and so you need to realize that you should help. If you love your husband, then it shouldn't matter. Also, you shouldn't be keeping track of whose money goes to what. Your married become equals, and start sharing.

The marriage can only survive if you are willing to fork out money for the kids. I have been dealing with this type of issue for ten years now. It will not change. Men can't deal with confronting the ex about money issues and so they just pay whatever the ex wants. At least the kids are older so you won't have to pay for them as long as I have been paying for my stepkids. I keep going back and forth on emotions of weather to stay or leave. I have come to the conclusion that I kind of knew what I was getting into when I got married, so I deal with it. We only have 4 more years of paying child support. Have you tried talking to him about it? You could try putting your foot down. Also, you have every right to get your own account, he cannot stop you from that. I have my own account that I put a little money away every paycheck. Good luck, you have a long hard road ahead. Stephanie L

You need to decide what is important for you. Your marriage to your husband or your money. Sometimes you have to give a lot to make things work. Gently talk to your husband about how you feel without making him feel like he's being attacked. Knowing that you are a teacher you can use the "I-messages" they taught you :) (I was a teacher).

If your starting to wonder and your only 10 months in then I think you have your answer. Others may say that it's not that simple but actually it is. Your not in that deep. Get out while your still young.

Money can be one of the big catalysts for marital problems. But the cause of divorce generally boils down to one or both partners being unwilling to devote themselves to the relationship. You cannot determine what he does, only what you do.
My hubby has always had poor financial judgement. After several years of it, I finally just got my own account. You don't need his permission to do that, but you should explain to him that you're not trying to undermine him, you just feel like right now it's a better decision. Tell him you also want to sit down together and develop a budget for your spending. Then you can track (together) where all the money goes.
Just remember to treat him with respect in all that you do (and don't say "I would if he would just ..." - you are only able to decide what you do, not what anyone else does). Remember that he still loves his kids and feels a repsonsibility toward them, to make sure that they get everything they need, even if their mom won't. I think that he deserves a great deal of respect for that alone!!
As for your question of if your marriage can survive -- that's entirely up to you. How much work are you willing to put into it? Even if it doesn't guarantee that things will be how you want them. Love isn't a feeling - its an action or behavior. It's a choice.

When you marry someone, you marry everything about them too, including any baggage. I do not believe in seperate accounts. When you marry you become as one along with everything about you. My husband and I have 3 accounts. we pay forour bills, groceries, and other needs from our "joint" one, then we each have on of our own for "play" money. Both of our names are on all 3 accounts. The "play" money is there for us to do what ever we want with it, but it is with the understanding that if we need to we can use it for bills, emergencies, etc. When we first married I had alot of debt from a previous marriage. My hausband "adopted" that debt as also being his. And even though he didn't agree with it, (he does not believe in going into debt for anything but a house), he still did everything he could to help pay it as quickly as possible. You married him, therefore you married his kids and all the problems that come with it. Did the courst order her to pay 50%? Maybe he doesn't like having contention between him and hisex fo r fear of the effect it might have on the kids. Maybe you could try to get the money from her. Do you love these kids? I think you love you husband or you wouldn't have marrie dhim, but do you love the kids? If you love the kids, it shouldn't matter as long as thier needs are met. I know this may sound harsh, but if you can't love a persons kids, then you shouldn't be with them. It is a natural tendency, desire, need, etc., for a parent to put thier kids first. We all do it. I often even put the kids needs before my husband and myself. It is what we do. This is something you will need to get used to if you are to make this work. Talk to him. Find out why he doesn't push the issue with his ex. See if you can find some common ground. Let him know how you feel. Do this without arguing/yelling. It is amazing what that can do for a compromise. Could the oldest get a part time job to help out? I know people have issues with that, but there is othing wrong with teaching a teen how to work for something. I started working at 13 so I could help my parents. This could be the ex's way of still having some control. Don't let her interfere with what put you in this spot in the first place. The love you two share.

When you got married to your husband, you also married his kids too. I wouldn't get involved in asking the ex for money for the medical bills, I would let your husband deal with his ex for all issues. Keep the relationship amicable. You will be apart of the children's lives so try to build good relationships with them. You would have some say in how they are raised in your home though. I think that you have to have a different mindset about money. It's no longer your money alone, it is now considered an "our" money situation. As a parent figure, you may be involved in paying for the kids' expenses too. But you should have some say in what the money is getting spent on. However, you still have control of the money. I wouldn't put all the money on one account. If I were you, I would have two accounts. One for myself to spend on what ever I want and one that is a joint account to help for household expenses. You don't have to have his permission to have the separate account. Is he dependent on all the money that you bring in? When you add the joint account, you can sit down with your husband to talk about what kinds of things you will be helping to pay for and plan out how much to put in it. Money does strange things to people and relationships so you should be very clear what you are helping out with. If he isn't okay with you having another account and this becomes a big issue then I would rethink about this marriage.

Yes it can survive. You just have to find a common meeting place on this.
He cannot refuse you a second acct. He isn't in control.
However you can explain you will contribute to the household you live in and those living expenses, deposit your portion in that. However you will and should not support his ex wife. That is his choice. If he doesn't want to collect it from her that is again his choice. You take on the whole situation when you marry someone with kids, you also will still have something to do with their mom, but you should never have to make up for her bad choices financially. That isn't what you signed up for.

Ask him to sit with you and figure out a budget and a plan.
Explain it nicely however don't back down from where you are here. Explain it isn't your debt to have to pay. If the situation were reversed how would he feel?

Your marriage will survive and should, it is a minor bump that comes with the territory of marrying someone that is divorced. There will be bumps, just weather them and work as a team. Keep talking to him and always let him know how you are feeling. He cannot read your mind.
You can open your own acct at any given time, he doesn't control that.

M.,

This situation is a powder keg waiting to happen.You need to make decisions about how much you want this relationship and how much of your resources you are willing to allocate to his past. Make marriage counseling a mandatory for the continuation of this relationship. Spending your life pouring your life's blood into a black hole is no way to go. You have no children with this man, so you can make a clean break if you need to. the passive aggressive controlling of you and your resources must not be ignored. These issues DO NOT improve with time.
Been there, still living it...
E.

M.:

Starting putting money away in a saving account.(Even if it is just a little a week.) You must not let him have total control over the finances when you contribute as much as you do. You can take and have your money transfered into a seperate account and do not need his okay to do it.

From the ages of his kids, I can tell that he his much older than you. You will have this as an issue in your marriage alot. Firstly, because of the age gap, he will always feel the need to control the finances. This is how the older generations have done it. Only you can make the decision on whether or not you want to continue being married to him.

My husband is 56 and soon to be 57. I am just turned 39. You have to be true to yourself first. You cannot have a successful marriage if you do not do that.

Good luck.

T.

Remember, those kids didn't ask for you to be there so make sure you don't let them know what you are irritated with. Make sure you don't get pregnant until you know for sure what is going to happen. Also, find out why your husband lied before? Maybe she really did and she is upset that you guys are married so she feels you have more money now then she does so you can help pay. I think you are right about getting your own checking account. They are not your kids and you shouldn't have to pay for them. You two should call dr. Luara on am 570. Make sure it is both of you. Becareful she might get on your case about marrying with children.

M.,

Wow, I feel for you. There is no way you should be footing the bill for your husband's kids. Utilities, food, maybe even a gift of clothing or $5.00 occasionally isn't really a big deal, those are expenses you might have or might choose to have anyway. I'm not trying to sew more discord, but the situation seems a little bizarre to me. Maybe a second job for your husband is in order, those bills are his responsibility. It sounds as if this was discussed before marriage. If what was true then isn't true now, some tweaking of responsibilities needs to be undertaken. Be straight forward, if you feel you can't say everything that's on your mind, there is something wrong. Good luck.

Dear M.,

I add my voice for you having a separate account.
Deb put it wonderfully:
in the most friendly manner, to sit down and look through all the payments, deciding, who can and will contribute what.

I am a teacher too, it's A LOT OF WORK, and A LOT OF TIME: this work does not end when you close thedoor to the classroom, you think of our class in the evening, see the troublemakers in your dream, thinking ho to help them to become better people, check their homework, and prepare tests for them... this is one work of dedication.

Now,you put your heart in your work, AND in your family. This is GIVING. In order for you to be able to contribute as much as you do, you need a part of RECEIVING to be in balance, also. You cannot just EXhale all the time, you know, it's a pattern: you need to INhale at times also, otherwise, you will be out of breath!

I would suggest: there are three adults who now care for your husband's kids. He loves them, you love them, I'd wish to say, their mom loves them. All every one of yo adults also have LIFE TO DO in this world where $ is an inevitable part of it.
HE NEEDS TO BE HONEST and tel you exactly what their mom's situation is, and what his situation is financially. You need to make a chart, or a graph, to put out who can contribute how much, and stick to it. I mean, you could say: "i help 1/3 of the kids' expenses" but as you are FRIENDS in the first place, then it's good to HONESTLY converse about what the heck is going on, and how to set it right. He already knows you don't mind helping, but he needs to also know you're not a pack horse, to ride you all along. You definitely need your own share; a teacher needs to be happy, in order to be able to make kids happy, and help them to become happy people!!! A crying miserable teacher cannot contribute so much to kids in class: talk to him about it, he does not realize at all what it is to be a teacher, btw! Those not teachers go to work, do their ork, come home, and they leave all their job-thoughts there (most jobs are like this), but not yours, (and some other jobs). Then, you need
some decent clothes, you cannot run around in one skirt for a year, and then, you need some extra money to even go and get some Christmas presents to your very own husband and his=your three kids - sit down and talk to him in a very friendly way of real two freinds, not accusing him, but putting it out in reality: ti show him that in your request, you are not selfish at all, but you need common sense, and MUTUAL care in this relationship!!!
Good luck to you, M., and stick to your friendly guns!

first things first!! you knew about all of this baggage before you were married..................................
it's not fair you say. well being fair is soley and unconditionally loving and supporting your husband through good and bad right??? you had to know that sometime and somehow there would be stressfull times??

SO WILL YOUR MARRIAGE SURVIVE??
THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION IS UP TO YOU.

you have to know he is doing it more for the children and not at all for his ex!! it is not about helping her. so maybe you should let himknow that if he wont talk to you about things that you will just seperate the $$ anyway.
here is another option. if the ex is considered low income than she being the sole caregiver of the children can get medicaid or CHP+ (colorado health plan plus) this makes it alot more affordable to care for his children and can make you less threatened. go to you county social services and ask .. it wouldn't hurt and if he is not comfortable with it than it sounds like he need a 2nd job. remember that communication is the key . make it as posotive as possible. think of why you love him and remind him that you are there for him but this is giong to take some supportive communication.

YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP UP THE GREAT SUPPORT AND KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE . GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!!

My father-in-law married a single parent of a 14yr old boy. Right now, he is struggling to get along with him. I don't think my F.I.L puts forth much effort, but he loves his wife. His kids (from a previous marriage) are all grown and gone, so it was difficult for him to have to raise another one. He does not pay for any of his step son's expenses, that is his mother and bio-father's responsibility. He and his wife share expenses for the household and have seprate bank accounts. If I were you, I would too, and in addition, try and form friendships with his children but don't try and replace their mom or get between them and their dad. Do you want to have kids? I think it would be great! You are married and are starting a new family, congragulations! Appretiate the potential for love and close relationships, but don't force them. You are part of those kids lives, so try to enjoy it! Life is hard for them too. Laugh often, at yourself and at good and bad times. Good luck!

Hi M.,
When I got married 15 years ago (both first marriages with no kids involved), I insisted on a pre-nup agreement. I always wanted to have some funds of my own in case it ever turned into a bad situation and I did not want to feel trapped. Once we were married, we chipped future money together. Basically, we have hers and our accounts. His only other accounts are retirement accounts.

What does the ex-wife do? Does she have $? You can't get blood from a stone, so you need to know what your likelihood of getting any money is. Have you actually seen the divorce decree and what each is responsible for? You also need to understand more of the dynamics of the relationship between them. Is a couple of hundred dollars here and there worth it to disrupt the peace? You need to choose your battles wisely. Also, why is he so resistant to two accounts? How would it work in reality (be sure to think it through first so you can communicate it to him)?

One thing I would do is make sure you are max funding your retirement account at work. That way, your money is going towards savings and it comes out before you even get your check. Wise thing to do any way.

If you need help wondering what your legal rights are here, watch www.greatlegalhelp.com and then contact me with questions. If you don't know your rights or how things work, then you have none.

Definitely figure things out before you start having kids on your own. My brother married a woman with younger kids and it was a nightmare that took him almost to bankruptcy. Don't give up hope, because anything is possible.

Good luck.
S.

This situation is not going to change. Dwell on that for a while, and decide whether you're willing to put up with it. You're also in for tremendous childcare issues. I suggest that if you choose to stay (even for a while), listen to Dr. Laura, who covers this whole second marriage with children thing extensively. It ain't pretty, but she's not making it up. You can tell from the callers that this situation can be an unsolvable minefield.

By the way, don't get pregnant!

M.,
My marriage does not involved kids that aren't mine or ex-spouses, but I can't stress enough the importance of voicing your concerns and creating open and clear communication in your relationship. Nothing will stand up if you don't say anything, so if you haven't already talked about it and talked about it and talked about it, then do and if it bothers you or your husband, that's ok, just make sure it gets said. Nobody should be in a relationship where they don't felt heard or that their voice is not accepted. If your husband doesn't want to listen, there's no reason why you shouldn't get involved and talk to his ex-wife. There are no rules that say only he gets to talk to her about issues, especially if it's your money that's paying the bills.

Good luck!

M.,

Been there!!! I married my husband when he had an 11 yr old and a 12 yr old. His ex has been a pain in our butts the entire time, sometimes more than others.

The absolutely, hands down, hardest job in the world is being a step-parent and I feel your pain.

To give you hope, we are now 8 yrs further down the road in our marriage and it's stronger than ever! :)

Okay, my 2 cents: Since I married my husband, I obviously knew I was marrying into a family, not just a man, and I loved them as my own from the first day. I treat them as I would had I given birth to them. I stay out of all things betweem their father and his ex. However, I do give my opinion and hope he takes that into consideration.

I've been very lucky, that my husband is considerate of my feelings and takes my thoughts into consideration when dealing with her - however, the ultimate decision still falls to him. Whether I agree with what's happening or not is not always relevenent, it's not under my control.

Ultimately, my advice to you would be to pick your battles to win the war. The children will be gone in a few years. Then it will be you and your dh (and any other children you bring into it!). Be there for the kids. They may not appreciate it now, but it will pay off in the long run. Be there for your husband -it will pay off 10-fold.

No one ever said relationships were easy. They are hard and complicated and full of disagreements - but full of fun, laughter and love too. It makes me sad to hear you are already looking to throw in the towel... love, true love, is unconditional and works through the difficulties to grow stronger. It doesn't give up when things get difficult.

Good luck and God Bless.

why do you need his permission to open your own checking account?

So here is the thing M..

If the children were yours and they lived with you and your new husband, he would be paying for most of their bills and upbringing.

So why do you have a problem with helping to pay to raise his children?

So what if his ex doesn't pay her share.

Did you or did you not know the basic situation before you married?

I will tell you as I told my daughter-in-law, she married my son with her eyes wide shut.

Think about it!

Her marriage lasted 4 month, she know lives with us and is our full time care giver, as I can't drive anymore and my husband is terminal.

My son is a jerk and really treated her badly.

So like I said if the shoe was on the other foot, how would things be??

Good luck
M.

I'm going to say this with all the best intentions. Sorry if it sounds abrupt.

With all due respect: grow a spine! You didn't dissect his finances and your potential joint finances before you got married? Not to mention the other sticky issues: religion, political views, housecleaning standards, expectations on how the children will be raised, how to raise his kids and adding in your own, how the ex would play in your relationship?? And NOW you're upset? The time to find all this out is in pre marital counseling. And with 3 beautiful, young children at risk from a new relationship in their lives lots of counseling prior to agreeing to parent his children for a lifetime should have been the priority.

Now is the time to suck it up and deal with it. There is no "letting" you get your own checking account. You get one and tell him about it and then you talk together about how you will spend money together. Then you get yourselves into counseling to figure out how to negotiate all the sticky issues while maintaining the spark that drew you together in the first place.

AS far as your DH putting a priority on maintaining an amicable relationship with his ex by not harassing her about money for the kids, its to be expected. They are now YOUR kids too. Would you deny YOUR children healthcare? Would you deny them clothes? Neither will he, and has shown you he won't. Again, deal with it, realize this is how it will be now and in the future. Decide NOW before you make kids of your own whether this is tenable for you.

After being married for 18+ years now I know the struggles a marriage takes to survive. Kids make it much more of a dance. It ain't easy, but cane be done. GL.

I think this can work, but you need to make sure he's not using you as a money cow. Get your own account and make him ask you.

Ya know, one of the GREATEST pleasures in life is being that mom that was handed to you. If you can care for these children just as if they are your own (No matter what), then you are an extra special woman. I married into a family and after 15 years now, we are done paying for medicals, child support, etc. Yes, you can get frustrated with that EXXXXXX, but when those children are cared for and you have been their provider, they do see that and you feel like their mom. My boys' mother used to get us to pay as much extra as she could get out of us, my girls' father didn't pay for anything except child support and there wasn't much of that. These are things that just come with blending the family, we don't have to like it, but I know that my boys love me because I loved them unconditionally no matter what. You will in the end be proud of yourself. No, your money is not hers, but I believe that my money is my husbands and his money is mine. When you can come to that place you will be able to work through most anything. I know that todays families don't think of things like that, but I like not having added stress with separate bank accounts, bills, etc. things that divide the family. It is sad that your love for your husband might not be strong enough to withstand your money vs his money and your bills vs his bills. Please know that there is an extreme satisfaction at the end of the tunnel.

I have read a lot of the comments and agree with some of the things being said. Parents will put their children in the forefront and your husband will not allow his children to go without medical coverage. That's as it should be. Do you know what financial situation the Ex is in? Could it be possible that she is bringing in even less money than your husband and may depend on him to pay a greater portion? Granted, she could be doing this to be spiteful, but who are really the victims in this? You? I don't think so, it's the children.

When I became a parent, everything stopped being about me and my focus became my children. This is where your husband is. I am sure he loves you, but you must realize that his children are his main priority. I don't think you have to be a parent to understand this, especially since you are a teacher and I assume work with children.

I don't see any problems with having a separate account, but it would put a strain on your relationship to have all of your funds separate from the joint account. I agree with some of the comments that you could take a portion of your pay and put it away. This way, you know there is money available when you need it.

Marriage is very important and children are very important. Your marriage in still in a young stage and you need to evaluate what is truly important to you. If you are willing to end a marriage based on healthcare payments for your husband's children, maybe you got married too soon or to the wrong man. These children are not yours, but once you married their father, you - like it or not - became an important part of their family. Think really hard about what you want out of this new family of yours and what you are willing to contribute.