I am not sure when it actually happened, but I have almost no sex drive. I think it has been so gradual that trying to pinpoint the onset is impossible. Currently, we only have sex about 1 - 2 times a month. Even then I am not that enthusiastic. The funny thing is that within 5 - 10 minutes of foreplay I am completely into it, and am glad that we have this intimate time. We know each other's bodies and how to please each other. Orgasms happen for me about half of the time - though not for a lack of trying between my husband and I. I feel great about my body, and find my husband very appealing. Is it just that I am out of habit out of the routine I wonder? Even before we had children I could sense some resistance to sex. Then for four years I was either pregnant or nursing. Sex was still an issue for me when that phase was over. Seven years later I was pregnant again. It does seem I have plenty of interest in sex when I had a goal in mind - like making a baby. Then our baby passed away just before his first birthday (10 months ago). This has been very challenging, but we really are doing quite well given the circumstance. We have grown and moved through this as a family. I do contribute some of my lack of sexual desire to thoughts of my womb, babies, and our loss (usually after sex these thoughts come to me). But this has been something that has been going on for me for far too long to point that out as a cause. And YES, just like many of you, many days I am just too tired at the end of the day. I have heard some talk about low testosterone levels in women having this effect also.
I earnestly want to have a good sexual relationship with my husband. I know he is feeling very neglected and unfulfilled. He has mostly stopped asking my why I don't initiate (it has been so far ago that I have), though the regular remarks about how we really need more intimate time wear on me. It is like I don't have it to give, and I don't understand why.
I so appreciate all the responses I was sent. Posting my inquiry with mamasource felt like bonding with my feminine community. Of course I have been looking at this issue from many different angles on my own before now (counseling, abdominal massage, games, some herbs (damiana, ginko, ginseng), dialoging with my husband and with friends. There is no easy answer I know. I received a lot of new directions to explore through your responses. Most of all I didn't feel alone in my struggles anymore, and isn't that what we are truly trying to accomplish with this forum. Thank you for being my community/network.
I guess I have come to realize that for many of us women, our sex drive differs greatly from men's. Even though it is a natural part of life (like breast feeding) it doesn't always come naturally and does take some nurturing and development. Just as most things in life I must grow through this, refrain from passing judgment upon myself, and find a path that feels right.
In gratitude,
S. R.
two words ..... MACA ROOT... you can find it at Walmart it is all natural. it's like 14 bucks for a month supply but worth it...atleast until u get back to you! You may also find it being called Super Goat weed (weird I know) Can not take if pregnant or breastfeeding!
S., I am so sorry for your and your husband's loss. As women approach their 40's, we do biologically change. Hormone levels change and we are approaching new phases of life. I would first suggest an appointment with your doctor to make sure that physically and biologically all is well. Then, I suggest this because you did not say if you had already done it, I would make an appointment with a counselor to talk about your loss. It might help to talk to someone about your grieving process.
Then perhaps look at you and your husband's schedule and do some rearranging. If you have more energy in the morning, try some sunrise fun. Or perhaps change the setting, instead of the bedroom, try another room or another location outside of the house so that you are not thinking of anything but the two of you and that moment of being together. There are the usual suggestions of going out and getting in the mood, but I sometimes found that I was too tired after an evening out, so we would make love before going out (in the shower or while getting dressed) and then go out and believe it or not it was more intimate and close, because he did not roll over and go to sleep and I felt more cherished having his undivided attention. We would enjoy being together and talk. It might also help if the remarks of the lack of intimacy stop. It probably feels like a great deal of guilt and pressure and you are already aware of the situation and obviously want to change it or you would not be asking for advice. Ask him to be supportive and get his input on how to turn up the heat and turn on the desire and put out the guilt.
Just some food for thought.
I am very upset with the lack of sexual drive that I have. Well to be honest I am not upset at all left to my own self but my husband understandably is upset and therefore I am having to evaluate where I am at. Like you I don't know when it trully went away but I am struggling to get it back. Talking about sex with your friends to where you are having fun talking about sex and thinking about sex in a fun way and not a chore helps. Also my husband made a sex night that once a week we would commit to each other so that you got to look forward to that night each week once you put the kids to bed. That was fun because he put in his best effort to make it romantic and I put in my best effort to fulfill some of his fantasies and dust off the lingerie and the high heels. Really go all out and make it something you both look forward to.
I am just so happy to hear that so many other women are having the same problem. I was feeling like a failure because I would honestly just love to read a book or go to sleep rather than make love to my husband but I am trying to change that. I might also try that goat weed that someone was talking about and I love the sex toy consulting idea. I helped a friend that was a consultant and went to the parties with her and that was the most fun....just make sure whatever you do have fun doing it.
Ps. I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you are healing with gods speed.
I think you are just lazy (when it comes to sex) like a lot of women but if you want to keep your marriage strong you need to make it a priority in your life and just wait till you reep the benefits...and you will!
Hi S. and All;
Let's call it common but not normal - it doesn't feel normal to not be in harmony with our husband even if reading a good book instead is more charming sometimes! SEriously, no one is talking a bout the depletions of having babies. Everyone thinks that "normal" is that story somehow we all heard about the Vietnamese women squating in the fields to give birth and going back to work. That isn't the norm in Vietnam either; their tradition includes a similar several weeks special processes to help mom and baby not only acclimate and establish good nursing, but rest, herbals, heat treatments, special foods and soups, massage, like the many cultures around the world which don't have postpartum problems when the ancient traditions are observed. Ayurvedic medicine says "42 Days for 42 Years" - choices during those first 42 days influence like that. We know so little inour culture how to care for ourselves in the early weeks, and get very depleted - lots of below the belt issues literally get ignorde, as the deeper tissues (like hormonal, glandular, reproductive!) are the last to be rejuvenated in a natural sequence after birth. THe impact is also on our libido. Commonly low first 3 months, but after that should come up, albeit in different experience as we are now intimately bonded to another human being, not just our partner. Yes, there are good herbs, safe for nursing moms and pregnant moms too which are also lactation supportive, rejuvenative as well as aphrodesiac, like maca. Best taken in a personalized combination for best absorption, though there are combos that are helpful available from various Ayurvedic herbal suppliers.
Warm Regards;
Y.
Postpartum AyurDoula 15 years
breastfed as mother of 3 (20, 30, and almost 35!)
www.sacredwindow.com
I would recommend speaking to your OB/GYN. I have had the same problem with libido too. After I turned 35 a lot of things gradually seemed to change as well that seemed related to my menstrual cycle. When the estrogen is high at the beginning (between the end of my period to ovulation) my libido is like it used to be only all the time. But the minute I feel myself ovulate, I feel like I am preparing for a roller coaster ride of emotions including loss of libido. My OB/GYN recommended I start taking Omega-3 fatty acid supplements to help which it did but only a little. I am currently pregnant and have been enjoying the steady stream of hormones only it comes with all the other pregnancy woes (fatigue, heartburn, etc.) and I am worried what I will be dealing with emotionally when this pregnancy is over. I do think this is pre-menopausal. I know you said you were athletic and that should help your testosterone level but it sounds like it isn't enough--sorry.
Hope this helps give you some ideas. And I hope you find "IT", because I have been looking for mine too. :0)
Our situation sounds very much alike. I think many moms/women go through this. I'm betting some men do too. I have our 4th on the way and I used to be (pre-marriage and first year of marriage or so) very sexual. Now, its a struggle. We're coming up on being married for 7 years, with me being pregnant/nursing practically our whole marriage. We have a wonderful life full of activity - athletic, and a huge family/friends network. I wouldn't trade in any of it, but I, too, want to be more physically intimate with my husband. Right now, I'm just hoping that when the kids are older, that we regain our sex life with renewed vigor. Otherwise, I'll be watching your posts for answers, minus the ones about swinging or becoming bi, a cop out in my opinion.
I highly recommend reading a good romance novel like a Nora Roberts book. You will be very steamy in a short time.
S.,
This may not be something that you and your huband would do or it may be something that is against your religion. I am not sure because I don't know you. But me and my husband decided at one point in our life that we needed change, we have been married 20 yrs this March. We wanted change at about 10-15 yrs and we decided to try another way of life I guess you could say. We found another couple that was interested in the same thing and now I am bi-sexual and we swing ocasionally. Not sure if this is something you have thought of or not. Message me back and let me know if it is or is not what you might want to try.
L.
Hi S.,
I went through this very same thing and it lasted a few years. (however, I did not lose a child. My heart is with you) My relationship with my husband is amazing and he never took it personally. My husband and I actually had 3 kinds of sex that I would offer verbally first... Courtesy sex: I know its been a while and i'm not into it but I love you and we can have sex. Necessity sex: I know you have needs and I will be here for you, okay, but I probably wont be much fun... and Hey, lets have sex! sex: I'm actually semi-into it today! That said...
Nothing is constant but change. This sounds like a normal cycle of life that has no reflection on how you feel for your husband. My favorite saying is "And this, too, shall pass" You don't have to be "on" in all areas of your life at one time. Hang in there, It'll be back, you'll see...!
I have a friend who has had the same problem. Even on her honeymoon she didn't have the sex drive and now they've been married 8 years. Last year she went to a homeopathic doctor who gave her a "pellet" in the back side filled with testosterone. It's good for 6 months and it has made a HUGE difference in her sex drive. Maybe it's something you can look into.
R.
