What Would You Do? - Bellevue,NE

Oh my she sounds a lot like my mom! My sister has Asperger's, and ever since I had kids my mom has been constantly observing them for symptoms. It gets on my nerves so bad! I would also be upset if I were you.

I think that if my mom were to email me like that, rather than talking to me in person or on the phone, I would be upset too. It's none of her supervisors business! I would send her a nice long email back telling her everything I wanted to say. Be honest and tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't respond well (and if she's anything like my mom, she won't!) tell her she needs to get over it if she wants to have a good relationship with her grandbabies.

My mom and your mom should form a club.

My mom also believes it is my responsibility to travel for hours (5-7) so she can see her "princes." After a few years of playing this game, I finally told her that I couldn't do this any longer, particularly with young children and a full time job. Leaving Friday night and returning Sunday afternoon was more than I could manage. She BMW'd (b***hed, moaned, whined) and I stood firm. If she wanted to see the boys, she could pack her SINGLE SELF into a plane or car and come visit. Then, the truth came out. She didn't like where I lived because there wasn't enough to do, she didn't like how I kept house, she didn't like my dogs, how I cooked, how I didn't plan every last minute, my shower, the neighborhood, the heat, the cold, the dust, the list was pretty endless. (I live in rural Nevada and she lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, so culture shock is huge for her.) I told her that was fine, I would get the boys out to see her when I could. This turned into 2-3 different weeks during summer and one week during Christmas vacation, weather permitting.

My mom also has a cow because we live close to my husband's parents, even though we only see them 3-5 times per year. She also is very disgruntled because my mom-in-law is not the type of grandma my mom THINKS she should be. Whatever. I told my mom that we all grandparent differently and if she wants to be the whizz-bang, plan-every-minute-of-the-day granny, bully for her. My boys have just as great a time playing in my MILs barn and acreage with the critters.

As for her comments about your daughter having Asberger's, that's between you and your pediatrician and you can tell her so. If your pedi says your daughter is fine, end of discussion. All your mom is trying to do is undermine your confidence as a mother in some misguided attempt to make you need her more. My mom has spent the last 10 years trying to figure out why my oldest is so popular when she takes him to the beach because he's pudgy and "has a spare tire around his belly" (her words to him, not mine). She cannot believe that being smart, funny and charming is just as attractive.

Let your mom be who she is, for better or for worse. Say nothing derogatory about her to your children. See her when you can (what you're doing is fine). As your children grow up, they will see your mom for who and what she is and your mom will have to deal with the consequences. I did this with my sons (and it was REALLY HARD to do). They are now 13 and 17 and they see the truth. My mom actually trash talked me and my husband to my oldest one day and he gave her an earful in return. That ended the trash talking right quick. While my sons love their grandmother, they also can see her for what she is.

And, if you're really lucky, she'll get so mad at you, she'll cut you from her life and that will be one less toxic person you have to deal with. When my mom and I had our big blow out (this was about 12 years ago), she hissed at me that the ONLY reason she was in my life was because of my sons. (Wasn't THAT nice to learn?!?!) I tartly responded that the door swings both ways...if she wasn't polite and pleasant to me (especially in my own home..she had just called me an "ungrateful b**ch"), she would not have the pleasure of knowing her grandsons. That was a serious wakeup call for her. It NEVER occurred to her that *I* might end our relationship which would end her relationship with her grandsons. We got along much better after that.

Do not doubt yourself and DO NOT allow her to undermine your self-confidence. You know what's best for you and your family. Stand firm in what you believe in.

Hang tough, sister!

PS: I share some of my MIL's wisdom...maybe it will help..."your opinion of me is none of my business. Please keep it to yourself." Maybe you could email that in response to your mom's next nastygram. I heard my MIL say this to my mom and my mom looked like a shocked guppie fish (opening and closing her mouth) for the next 10 minutes. Priceless...

The world does not revolve around your mother, although that seems to distress her... AND your children have 2, TWO, extended families. Yours and your husband's. She doesn't get to just pretend they don't exist, just because she isn't related to them.

In our family "house" rules are that people WITHOUT children come to see those WITH children. Two families with children split the schlepping & disruption in whatever way makes the most sense to the two families. This isn't usually an "equal" arrangement in my own life, but it's the "easy" arrangement. ((EX: One set of cousins always comes over here, because we have a small house, but they have a tiny apt. Another set we head over there because they've got toddlers and their apt is set up for them. Another we head over because they have an infant, and it's a HECKuva lot easier to schlep a 9yo than an infant and 5 trips to the car worth of "stuff". Another we head over there mostly -big house, big family vs our small house... fits in their house easier than ours. Etc.))

The idea that it is disrespectful not to drag a toddler and an infant in a 4 hour car trip to go visit a childless person who is quite capable of getting in the car HERSELF to come see you, is patently ridiculous, manipulative, and selfish imho.

I've never understood people who think that distance is unequal. It is JUST as far for you to drive to them, as it is for them to drive to you. Yet you should schlep a toddler and an infant with naps and diapers and food and potty breaks all that distance to make it "fair" for them, so that they don't have to drive the same distance you do? Ummm.... no.

Oh geez, your Mom is really narcistic.

Your daughter has nothing wrong with her.
My daughter, is smart too and shy.
Nothing is wrong with my daughter. As she's gotten older (she is 8 now), she has naturally blossomed.
My daughter is really great.
MANY great and successful people in this world, is smart AND shy at the same time.
So what.
Being 'shy' does not mean, something is 'wrong' with a person.
And maybe, your daughter is shy around your Mom, because your daughter does not feel comfortable around your Mom.
My daughter, although shy, has a KEEN 'radar' about people. She KNOWS... when a person is not nice or has mental problems.
Good for my daughter.

Your Mom is a busy body with rigid views... of which her views is making you 'wrong' and ANYTHING you do, wrong.
And putting a guilt trip on you, using your daughter as a pawn.
Thus, your MOM is TOXIC.
Thus, your Mom, has mental issues.
Thus, ignore her and do what YOU feel is best, for yourself and your child and your family.

Do not play into her emotional blackmail.
Bottom line.

Just don't respond to her.
Your Mom, is toxic.
She will not stop.
She will continue to belittle anyone she cannot control.
She makes HERSELF feel 'good', by belittling you and using your daughter as an emotional weapon, against you.
Don't put your daughter around her... because your Mom will taint your daughter and bad mouth you/anyone, to your daughter. Thus teaching your daughter, Toxic, ways of being.

I have a relative like your Mom.
And, we just STOPPED interacting with that person.
It was just TOO toxic, for everyone AND my kids.

I"m sorry, but your Mom, is the wrong one.
She is really, off her rocker.

Sometimes we have to cut toxic family members out of our lives. Blood does not make a good parent. I see my mother once every couple years cause we live far away, and I visit her on my way back to the airport because I just don't want to deal with it. It took me years to get to the point of choosing to have such little contact, and years more to not feel guilty about it. But it's healthier all around. I have my MIL and older sis as surrogate moms, thank goodness.

.

I would wait a week or so, then email your mother back, tell her you took your daughter to the pediatrician and the ped said there is nothing wrong with her and that your mother is crazy for thinking there is something wrong with this perfect child.

But that's just me.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I would just let it go and tell your mother next time she says to bring the kids that you brought the kids last time and it's her time to come to you. If she balks at the idea, then ask her why she can't respect you as an adult and instead treats you like this. Tell her you would never treat your children like this.

*hugs*

You are gracious to continue to drive all the way to your hometown to see your family considering how your mom treats you. Her blame, belittling, accusing you of not caring about her feelings, and demands to do things her way are totally unreasonable. It's crazy making and you need to hold on to your sanity for the sake of your husband and children!

How are you with setting boundaries? I found the books by Anne Katherine to be helpful in learning to set firm boundaries with crazy-making people. You can't change your mom but you can change what you are willing to take from her. Then she gets to decide if she will start treating you better, or lose her relationship with you.

I'm not condoning your mother's actions, but I can see why your mother was upset about your daughter not coming to the party. After all, if you live in the same town as your husband's family, couldn't you have scheduled your daughter to spend the day and the night a different time? Also, why would you not bring baby food for your daughter if you are going to be out for 4+ hours? I would think if you are going to be out all day, you would have enough supplies for that. So, on those points, I side with your mom.

On the other points, such as her thinking you should always be the ones to come visit and sending you a nasty email, completely inappropriate. Why don't you pick a specific date and ask her to come visit at that time? Maybe she doesn't feel like just dropping by. As far as the Aspergers Syndrome, ask her why she thinks that and then tell her you'll discuss it with your pediatrician. End of story. If she keeps up with it, ignore her.

I swear we must have the same mother! My mom & I didn't talk for 3 years, and they were so peaceful! Only you can make the choice that is right for you. It's not easy. I still call my mother once a week (uh, or two). She will never call me because I'm the daughter and that's my job. When we do talk, she never asks about my son, but starts fights because she never gets to see him but my in-laws do because they watch him during the day.

Hang in there, good luck. You are not alone!

Well, your mom sounds like a W. in dire need of some help. I'm sorry for the trouble.

1. Calling family names is NOT acceptable.
2. It is NOT your responsibility to take you or your children to see her.
3. She is NOT to discuss your children's health issues with ANYONE.
4. It's her problem if she can't handle your husband's family - that's HER loss...they sound like great people!!!

I would take some time off from my mom (thank God my mom is NOT like this! Nor anyone in my family or my husband's family)...my mom didn't handle my divorce well, but then she didn't understand everything that was going on. But she didn't yell at me.

I would be nice to her tomorrow at the party...if she can't be nice, then you have two choices - leave or pull her into a room and talk with her (to be honest, I don't think that will work with her).

I don't blame your sister for not getting involved.
I don't blame your husband for not talking to her.....

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Well I understand you sil already had existing plans but I would of said sorry I really need to reschedule your time with her. She needs to visit her cousins for his birthday. Your mom was hurt. Your hurt her feelings that is why she reacted like that. She could of been calmer but the situation.
She can visit sometime. Then you can visit sometime. To me it doesn't seem fair to keep them from your daughter.
Completely off topic but I am close in relationship to my siblings BUT my sister lives on the other side of the US and my brother is thinking of moving near Colorado and we live in Pa. They might not do exactly how you would handle certain situation but they are your family and they love. I wish my kids saw their cousins frequently.

People leave their brains behind when they write stuff in e-mails and send them. Unlike a phone conversation, where you can hear what their voice sounds like, you don't get that in an e-mail--you just get the words. In my book, there is no excuse for sending an e-mail with hateful things written in it. Unlike a phone conversation, an e-mail can be kept forever.

If your three-year-old is where she should be for her age group and all she is is shy, then I wouldn't worry about what your mother says. I'm assuming she does talk with you and your family and maybe close friends, right? And she doesn't fixate on things or fixate on only a couple of interests? Unless you see signs that make you uneasy, I would forget about it.

Are you the one who moved away from home/the home town? It is amazing how many families think that if you moved away, you can be the one to come home. For everything. All the time. And they won't lift one finger to come and see you, either. We live 6 hrs away from my parents and about 4.5 hrs from my husband's mom. They both come to see us at our place 2x/year. In April for my daughter's birthday and in May for her dance recital. We make it home approximately once a year, at Thanksgiving time for my husband's side and at Christmas on my side. We both have a lot of hobbies and things we are involved in, making it difficult to be the ones who "have to run home." And with my daughter getting older, she is involved in stuff, and that keeps us busy/our weekends packed as well.

My husband's brother and family have never been to our house; his brother came for my daughter's baptism when he was single. The same on my side; my brother and sister and their families came when my daughter was baptized. That was over 11 years ago. Like I tell my husband; if they come when our daughter graduates high school and gets married, I'll be happy but I'm not holding my breath.

I do have to say that if we ask, my husband's mother will come up for another visit in the summer/early fall. But lately my daughter has been going to her house for a week during her summer vacation, so because she gets to spend quality time with Grammy, we haven't had Grammy come up for extra visits. And with my parents, we usually meet them halfway between us sometime in Sept or Oct and have lunch and visit for the day. It isn't ideal, but it works for both of us.

We've moved onward and we live our life how we want to live our life. If they don't want to be a part of it, then that is their business. But we don't rearrange our life just to make them happy. It is a two-way street. We are just as busy as everyone else. If you want us to come home more often, then make the effort to come see us. We shouldn't be the only ones who have to do the drivingor commit the time. End of story.

Doesn't mean we don't love our family, but we aren't interested in being doormats or being dictated to either.

Your mom sounds like my MIL!!! We moved from St. Louis to Omaha in 2002 and my MIL/FIL have visited us once, yes ONCE(!!!), in 8.5 years. In Nov. 2004, we drove in for my cousin's (also the godmother for BOTH of my sons) wedding. We were only in town from Friday (early evening) until Sunday (morning). Prior to the trip, we'd arranged to meet up at my SIL's (husband's sister) house because it was late and she had 6 month old twins (one twin was hospitalized for 3 months after birth) and a 3 year old. We thought it would be easier on SIL/BIL not to have to disrupt the kids' bedtimes so it was agreed that MIL/FIL would meet us all there for dinner (ordered pizzas). Well...we got there and the time came and went. Finally a call--they would NOT be coming because it was OUR responsibility to come to THEIR house. We had ZERO time to do it so we did not see them on that trip. Really sad because we visit about once per year!!! WORST PART: My then 7yo son did not understand why Grandma & Grandpa didn't come see him and his 2yo brother. We drove 6.5 hours and they couldn't drive 30 minutes to their daughter's house to see their grandsons! Still unbelievable to me... My husband and I believed (like you) that this was a TWO-WAY street, but have tried (unsuccessfully) to convince his parents of that. Apparently they had to take their kids to their parents to expect us to do the same. I wonder if the difference in generations? The result is that they only see their grandsons for a few hours a YEAR...and worst part, they're now retired and travel (elsewhere) for pleasure. In the 3 years since retiring, they have NOT been here once. We have also been on the receiving end of harsh phone calls and e-mails. I can sympathize!

Sounds like you mom has some jealousy and control issues and is nocool with you being totally independant and with you seeming to favor ( from her perspective) your in-laws.

I think you need to set osme clear boundries, which it sounds like you are trying to do, and just stick to your guns, and don't let her insinuations and guilt trips affect you or your kids.

I agree that the visiting should be a 2 way street, everything else equal - your mom is stil in good health and able to drive, I assume, so it is easier for her to pack up herself and come to you than for you to pack 2 little ones and come to her. BUT you should still make an effort ( it sounds like you do) to go to family functions and take the kids with when you can. BUT you should also plan ahead to either stay overnight with someone, and take all the food and stuff you need for the day or 2, so you don't have to rush out. 70 miles is almost exactly how far I live from my mom and dad and their extended family, and a couple times a month we see them, either we go up, or they come down, BUT we try to make it an all day thing so they feel like they ( grandparents and the kids too) get quality time, not just a few minutes of a day....leave early right after breakfast, do everything there, including naps, eat lunch and supper and then head home, or stay overnight.

She is feeling slighted becasue she doesn't get the time with your kids that that the ILs do, and they don't have to travel to do it. SO,when you do go to her, make it worth your drive and stay a while.

One time missing a cousin's b-day party is no biggie though for your daughter, esp when you are going too, and she was invited to her other aunt's first ( I assume). Tell your mom you will be happy to bring her to visit when she iwll actually get ot spend time with grandma and set a weekend date and stay and spend some quality time together. Plan activities, so you and your mom don't have to be battling or aruging with each other - go to a zoo, or a children's museum or parks, etc. Let your mom do all the big kid "work" while you deal with the baby - maybe it will make her feel important, and maybe it iwll remind her how much WORK there is to travellin away from home with 2 little kiddos, too - she may not realize what it is like, my mom doesn't really get it, since my brother and i were 6 and a half years apart, and we lived in the same town with all our grandparents and extended family, we only traveled once every couple years for a vacation, and I was pretty independant and well behaved before she had another baby to deal with ! I hae a 2 and a 4 year old, and the grandparents are scattered, 45 miles, 70 miles, and 500 miles - IL to TN. We also got o WV at least once a year for a week long stay, to see DH's extended family, too. My parents don't get it - why do you need a mini van, you only have 2 kids? why do you need a double stroller? Why do they need travel beds? etc. - I get all this from my mom....it is different than her situation, and it is harder for her to wrap her head around it - so we have taken her with us a couple times, and we have left the kids at her house with out all the extra stuff a couple times, and she gets it a little more, now.

Keep plugging along, try to include her, specifically invite her to your house for a weekend, specifically plan a weekend at her house just to visit her with the kids for no other reason. Tell her all the social things your daughter preogresses on - maybe she just hears the intellectual/mental milestones and thinks she is socially backward.

Good Luck, these things are hard navigate.

Jessie

Hi Mommy of 2. i truly can relate to what you are going through. In a similar situation I decided with the following framework in mind. What is best for my 3 year old son? I decided that our visiting his grandparents every week is in his interest, so we go out there. For me, it is about him now and his receiving the love and attention of the grandparents.

I know this way can be a challenge for a variety of reasons, but I think you will feel better after that you made a decision for your child in his interest. I think you should set the ground rules for visits, that your mom should not raise any issues about your daughter in front of her. She is just there for the love and attention and playtime. Nothing else. You would be justified in leaving if your mom says or does anything that is emotionally harmful or otherwise to your daughter. I would not make a big deal, just go without more than a few words of thanks and good bye. Do come back, but only for short visits.

HTH Jilly

Find a way to let go of wanting your mother to be reasonable. You are an adult now. It is not your responsibility to make your mother happy! I urge you to get counseling so that you will have more confidence in yourself and depend much less on your mom's approval.

wow... How stressful for you, this all has to be. I guess I can see both you and your mother's side, being a grandma myself. First of all, if your daughter see's her aunt all the time then I would probably put the cousins birthday party first and ask to reschedule the sleep over unless it was a special occasion. I take it that you didn't have a birthday party for your daughter in which they all came for so maybe they were going to combine them, or maybe you could see about combining them next year.

As for grandma coming to see the grandkids, I am afraid I am the same way. My daughter in law brings my granddaughter to me and my older son and his wife will bring them to me now that I pointed out that we hate to just drop in on their busy lives. If I go to the town they live in I do stop and see the kids though or have them go to my in laws which are in the same town. There is something about just showing up to your kids house that makes you think you are inconvencing them but know that your house is your childrens home also, they grew up there and know they are always welcome there. At the same time while my kids were growing up my parents didn't come over often, I always took my kids to their house.

Now, not bringing food for a 8 month old when you are 70 miles from home would certainly seem like a way to excuse yourself and a reason you can leave when you had enough but I don't believe you did it for that reason intentionally. Sometimes when we go into situations where we don't really want to be we will do a protective thing where we set up an out for ourselves. I think we do this subconsciencly or passive agressive. It sounds like you and your mom are like a lot of mother/daughters in which they are alike but don't see it. My daughter and her dad are like that. They are always complaining about the same things in each other. I laugh it off since I see it. My oldest son and I are a lot alike also and for that reason he knows which buttons to push to get me, which he did when he was a teenager but now is much better as an adult. Your mother thinks she is being helpful when she says things to you but she really is just adding to your stress. Take the good advice and ignore the rest, like the diagonoses of Aspergers. You know your daughter and would see something wrong.

I don't think you need to stop talking with your mother but you do need to put boundries up. When she starts going through the roof over hearing your sister in laws name, tell her you will talk with her later and hang up instead of defending it or listening and arguing with her. It won't take long she will either learn to keep her temper under control or she won't have as much audience for the drama. To be jealous of the granddaughters having a close relationship to her other grandparents and aunts is just crazy. I am glad my grandchildren are close to both sets of grandparents and while I don't see my oldest son's kids as much as his wife's family does, I would never ever be upset by the closeness of them. A child can't have too much love in their lives and we have to appriciate every bit we get.

Most of all remember, you are the mom and an adult and you can control how much you put up with as far as your extended family. When you start calling names and such it puts you back in that child moment when you are the rebellous teen rather then an adult so do yourself a favor and be assertive with kindness and if you feel yourself losing it, remove yourself from the situation by hanging up the phone or leaving the room. Maybe your mom will learn from you that way.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this negativity. My mother passed away almost 5 yrs ago and I would give anything to have her have a relationship with my kids. But i would also stand up to her if she were to have disagreed with me on something. After she passed it became apparent that she was the glue holding the family that she made to the family that she was born into. We were close to certain members of that family off and on over the years in different periods of our lives. But I have also received letters telling me how rotten I am for not bringing my kids down to their houses, an hr away, so that they could meet my daughter. My youngest is now 18mos and I feel that if they really wanted to meet her, they have 2 feet and cars, with weekends off, no excuse. only 1 member of my mothe's family has actually met my second daughter, because she cannot get around so I took my girls down to see her. I guess you have to pick your battles with your mom. But if it were me, I would distance myself a little from her at this point. No, I don't think it's your place to bring your children down to see her all the time, nor plan your time around birthday parties, nor have to explain why you are ready to leave a party with 2 little kids. Good luck, I hope you are able to resolve things with your mom. I know tension can really bring you down emotionally. Good luck, stay strong. Do what is best for you, your kids, and your husband!!!

First, Autism is not a disease. It's a neurological disorder. There's a huge difference. I'm just putting that out there. Please don't ever call it a disease in front of parents with children with Autism again, okay?

Secondly, from your description your mother doesn't spend a lot of time with your children so she doesn't know your daughter well enough to have an accurate opinion on whether your daughter has Autism or not. Your mother isn't a neurologist I take it, so her opinion is not a medical one and therefore doesn't hold water. Let it float off your back. All it means is that your mother is concerned about your daughter and loves her and it's not intended to criticize your parenting.

That said your mother does have boundary issues and self-entitlement issues. I don't see the problem with the e-mail since if she had called you or said it face to face it probably would have devolved into a huge fight with insults being hurled back and forth. This way she stuck to her own thoughts and you have time to digest what she said and either ignore it or address what you choose to address.

Personally, I would respond with, "Thanks for your concern, Mom. We appreciate how much you love Angela. Love, Mommy Of 2." That's it. I wouldn't even have the argument with her. If you believe at any point that your mother has valid concerns about Asperger's disorder then you can choose to have her evaluated by specialists and not because your mother "made you." Shyness is not automatically a symptom of Asperger's Disorder, but there's so much more to it than shyness. Autism has a lot of social concerns and shyness is just such an inadequate term.

Shyness is a personality trait that can be outgrown. It's not a medical condition or neurological disorder.