Well, I've been dating someone for about 10 years now, we met when my daughter was 4 years old. Her father was not a part of her life for many years, and i'm not really sure why. I've always wanted him in her life but he chose otherwise. So the man I became involved with, has been the father figure in her life since that time. As all relationships, we have had some tough times, which resluted in him making the decision that we should go our separate ways. No that is not what i wanted, because i didn't feel the issues were unsolveable, they were issues that we could have very well worked out. But neither here nor there it's been 2 weeks now since the relationship ended. My daughter did have a good relationship with him, not as close a father, but they had a good relationship, and i could see as time passed on it was progressing. I do believe she was a little reluctant to get too close in the beginning, because she has and i think she still does wonder why her father is not around, I've never lied to her about her father, and i have been truthful when she asks why he doesn't call or come around. And i tell her I don't know, which i really don't know where he is, why he hasn't called, and i also told her that he has our contact information, so if ever wanted to call us he could. So i'm wondering if i should tell her now that the guy I've been dating for all these years will not be coming around anymore. I'm just afraid that she will not understand why, yet again someone will not be around anymore. Or is it that i'm making too much out of this. Although she might not really notice any difference, because we didn't live in the same household. So ladies please offer some advice and/or sugggestions about how to hanle this, is anyone has actually experienced this in their life before...Thanks Much!!
Hello moms, well things did not go as i had hoped they would. I found out that My daughter had sent him an e-mail sometime ago, and she had asked him why he didn't come around anymore. How all this came about was, he called the house one morning telling my daughter that he was stopping by, so i asked her he's stopping by for what? So i then called him to ask what was going on that he was stopping by, because I had not spoken to you, so I'm just trying to find out what's going on. Well apparently he had told my daughter that he was going to stop by and bring his daughter because they had not seen each other in a while. Naturally I got upset about it, and was about to try to talk to her about the relationship thing when they left. But because I was so defensive and I was upset and let that show. So my daughter tells me I already know things are not going to be the same mama. She was a little upset but I'm not sure if it was because of the relationship are how I approached her about it. So I left it alone, and did not say anymore about it. Some of you did mention that she had probably figured something was wrong, and kinda felt she did as well, but I just wanted to explain to her what was going on, her own father walked out on her and now this man has done the same. I'm just trying to protect her feelings and make sure she realizes that it has nothing to do with her. So I did call my ex and asked him what was his response to her when she asked him why he was not coming around anymore, and his response was "I didn't answer the question". That really upset me, because this was his chance to explain to her especially since she had asked him, and he tells me he does not think there is nothing to explain. Agian his way of not having to communicate about things. So I'll just wait to see if she brings it up again and just tell her what happened.
Tell her briefly that the two of you are no longer seeing each other. Also, let her know that you will answer any questions that she may have. Good luck and I certainly hope that you find a man that will love you forever! K. O.
You said you have always been truthful with her about her real dad, why not about this situation as well? 10 years is a long time to be with someone and even though it is not a divorce, I think a lot of the same feelings will be present. Be up front and honest with your daughter. She is at a very important time of life when she is learning who she is and what relationships are all about and keeping all of this from her is not going to solve any of the problems for you or for her. Sit down with her and have a good mother daughter talk and don't be afraid to give her the full story so that she knows it has nothing to do with her. Let her judge for herself so that she can learn from your mistakes and hopefully avoid them in the future.
first of all i'm sorry that the men in your life have dealt you such crappy deals. but yes, your daughter will notice, and yes, it will hurt her. you'll need to talk to her about it. i hate to say it but these are the two main men in her life and they've both abandoned her. that's how i'm sure she'll feel. it will probably always color how she sees men. all you can do is try to be there for her and make sure she knows YOU will never leave.
the other thing i'd have to say is, try to give her an actual reason if you can. "i don't know, he just left" is kind of a cop out answer and usually there's a lot more to it. she's a teenager now, and she'll need more than that. dig deep and try to be honest with yourself and her. you may not have "done" anything, but explain to her that you can't be both people in a relationship, and it takes two to make it work. speaking of which, if they had a decent relationship, could she call him? if he's the one that left maybe he can explain to her that he still loves her and it wasn't anything she did.
i dunno, just my two cents as the teenage daughter of divorce. from my experience i wouldn't ignore it hoping she'll bring it up - she may never do that. and not talking about it won't make it go away. good luck to you and your daughter.
L.,
Kids are smart, especially teenagers, she'll figure out that something is different. It would be best to bring it up first and let her know. This break-up is different than her father not being around. She needs to know that it's is not anything she did but that things just didn't work out.
Tell her. This will be a good life experience. Be gentle & open for q&a. My mom discontinued dating a man when I was 18 that she had dated since I was 6. I was an adult & already in a engagement with my husband. I knew she needed to get out of that relationship b/c she always told me so! So, finally it happened, but I was older than your dd. I was closer to him than my dad for those years & they never lived together either. I guess it didn't really bother me b/c she always said she needed to break it off b/c he wouldn't do the ultimate commitment - marriage (long story). I did kinda miss him since I was used to him for so many years, but not that it ever ruined my life.
HTH
J.
Im no expert but I would ask him if he would be willing to talk with her. Maybe it would be a good idea for both of you to sit down with her and explain it, that way she can ask questions and get answers from both of you. I cant imagine that he wouldnt be willing since they had a good relationship but some men are weird =P
This way she gets a better understanding of why this is happening and maybe (if you feel comfortable) if they both want to maybe they can get together once in a while for a couple hours?? Every girl needs a positive male figure in her life and if he is that figure then having them get together is a way for her to get that then I think its great! Of course every party would have to be willing. I would ask him before telling your daughter this idea though. You dont want to get her hopes up and then have to turn around and tell her that he didnt want to. I hope this helps! God Bless and good luck!
Does your ex boyfriend still want/willing to be in her life? My parents split when I was one and a half and although my dad tried for a while to be the best he could, he lived half way across the country with his new family and by the time I became a teenager we were do disconnected that it was just a matter of time before our differences split us apart. We have not spoken in 6 years now. It is really hard to accept that a parent doesn't want to be part of your life so I feel for your daughter on that one. I did get really lucky that a great guy lived down the hallway from our apartment and over time became my step-dad. He was by far the dad he did not have to be. Of course that relationship ended up in marriage so it is a little different. My step-brother on the flip side was involved in a relationship similar to yours where they dated for years. The woman had a daughter whos father wasn't very involved and over the years my brother had formed a great relationship with her. Eventually the relationship he had with her mom didn't work out but he still takes her to the coffee shop to help her study, listens to her when she needs someone, takes her to concerts, etc. and is there for her as a friend/fatherly figure. Unfort. for your daughter, if her bio-dad doesn't want to be part of her life, there is nothing she or you can do. I have found that through talking to other people, it is a lot more common than you would think. I could never imagine turning my back on my daughter but not everyone feels that way.
Good luck!
DUH! She's 15 not 5. She's at the age where she needs to have really good examples set for her. this is one. Of course she will notice. Why would you even think that she would not notice a person is gone from your life. xplain to her simply that it was not working out and you won't be with him any longer. Talk to her in a way so she learns to resect your decicion and you for treating her like an "almost" adult.
I would wait for her to bring it up (unless you feel that it is better to beat her to the punch). I suspect that even though you are trying to save her heart from being broken, it probably will be anyway. You didn't mention if your daughter had healthy relationships with males at school? Does she have friends that are boys or boyfriends? If not, I suspect you are already having issues of abandonment...you might want to consider some family counseling... a few sessions may be all you need.
L., sounds like our lives have been very similar.
Your daughter is 15...not 3...she's going to notice when he doesn't come around anymore. You don't have to go into details, just just tell her the truth.
She'll need to hear it hasn't anything to do with her...lest she blame herself.
I would think if he was willing to be a part of her life all these years, he would still want to be? If he knows the situation, and you asked him to still be that "father" figure for her, he just might. She's old enough he can come pick her up to go to dinner hang out etc, and not have to see you face to face if that's the problem, that's what phones and email are for to arrange things. IF she is still wanting him in her life, maybe she could ask him this herself. It's not fair to her, as she didn't ask for this, and I would HOPE he would realize this! He has to know he's had some kind of impact on her life! Best of luck, and I hope he continues to be her friend and somebody she can turn to when needed!!
It may be hard but the truth is always the best way to go.
You should tell her the truth she is old enough to understand it.
Hi L., so I know that being a teenage daughter is rough and it was about that time that my own parents divorced, but she probably can understand more than you think. She might have seen things in the relationship that lead to the ending. Being that her own dad was not present, does this guy still want a relationship with her? shoot he has been the dad for 10 years right??? As far as the "biological donor" have you not already saught out child support? evan if you can do it on your own that money is a great way to say "we can afford college, a car, ...." I think she will do fine if you give her the credit she needs to survibe it and most importantly young girls get their relationship abilities from what they see so help her to have a positve self esteem and to know what she wants in life, instead of settling.
Good Morning L., If it were me, I would talk to her now. It's been a few weeks already and she knows something is up. You can tell her that you had some problems you both just couldn't work out and decided it was best to let go now before they got bigger. It was really no ones fault everyone has differences that can turn into problems.
Of course L. since it has only been a few weeks there is always the chance if you started talking with him, it's been long enough for cooling down or off you might be able to work it out. Worth a try after 10 yrs of a relationship. I know you have to be heart broken also.
Good Communication with anyone is the right step in any relationship. Open and Honest, truthful, no sugar coating.
Respecting & accepting each others difference's, thoughts, idea's and opinions good or bad.
I pray the best for you and our daughter.
K. Nana of 5
I think you should wait until she brings it up. Girls this age have a lot going on in their lives friends, boyfriends, school hormones etc. Don't add on to all the stress if any. If its really bothering her she will come to you and than you can tell her. My husbands' father left him when he was just a baby and his mother remarried twice before he was 9 and his grandmother who he was very close to died when he was fifteen. He feels abandonment a lot and its very hard thing to deal with on his part and others especially in the trust department. I understand the others when they say you need to tell her the truth but the truth can come when she asks about him. If the two were very close and you feel she will notice him gone then tell her but being that he was not the father and i don't know the relationship, I think you should not make a huge deal, but when the time comes to tell her, she will understand it had nothing to do with her. Also, do you think this guy who left, will he stay in contact with your daughter? Maybe that will help with you telling her the situation. Well I hope this helps a little. Good luck!
I think if it were me, I would wait until she comes to you and ask the question of why he hasnt been around. You can always just tell her that things werent working out the way you thought they would and you both decided to call it quits or whoever wanted to breakup just let her know, she is 15 so I am sure she will understand. I know it has to be hard on her to not have her dad around then she gets somewhat close to this new guy and now he isnt gonna be around anymore. Just let her know its not her fault, (I know alot of kids blame themselves) things just happen between a man and woman.
Good Luck
Hi, L.. I believe your daughter is definitely old enough to hear that you are ending your dating relationship. She is at the age where dating is starting, so this is a great chance to talk to her about the dating process and what that entails. I think she will be more receptive than you might believe. As far as her father goes, she can seek him out when she is older if she feels she needs that relationship. You will need to be the stable force in her life to teach her about male/female interactions. I know it is good for a daughter to have a relationship with her father, but she doesn't really know otherwise, so I don't think it will be so detremental to her, as say a dad who is around and doesn't interact with his daughter. God Bless.
