The "Dad" Conversations

Have him call him "BD" as in bonus dad.

That what I call a very close friend of my. She "bonus mom." Can't get away with calling her my "BM" though I think she would find that funny I did call her that.

Marry your boyfriend, and then your bf can adopt him.

It's dangerous for a child to start loving a "boyfriend." So I hope you make this work.

Story: When I was a kid, my mother had many boyfriends. They came and went, some lived with us, some didn't. Most of them I either disliked or didn't pay any attention to. Mostly I hung out at my friends' houses.

When I was 12, she had the first boyfriend I actually loved. We lived with him for a bit. When the inevitable breakup came, I dealt with it, as I was used to change, and to burying my feelings. I do remember searching for him in a bar in Mexico one time, and finding him there, dead drunk, and walking out crying. That was the last I saw of him.

A couple of years ago, and about 40 years later, I learned that he had died. He had gone on to have a wife and a child. Anyway, I looked at his obituary, and his picture, and cried for 3 days. I was crying for the loss I had experienced 40 years ago.

Don't have your kid fall in love with people unless you are willing to commit to them (and vice-versa). I hope you and your bf are planning on getting married sometime in the near future.

I do not think he should call any man DAD unless he is adopted or you actually marry a man.

You never know where the relationship will go and how unfair would that be? My mother dated different men that were very special in our lives. One she dated one gentleman for 5 years. We adored him..

My sister who is younger than me, tended to become VERY fond of these nice men, but my mother never married any of them, even the man she dated for 5 years. Thank goodness, our mom always reminded us that these men were very special to us, but we were not actually related and that was ok, because we were always going to have special people in our lives, but never be related to them.

I have best friends that I am closer to than many of my relatives, but they are not my sisters.
It is important for your son to understand this.

MOM, you set the tone. Do not be scared of being a parent. Your son will not be crushed, he will feel safe knowing the boundaries and not confused and hurt in the future

Just tell him that we love lots of people in our lives, but moms, and dads are not people we pick.

This gentleman is obviously very special , but it still will never make him a dad until there is a total commitment for a LIFETIME.

Not to be harsh, but this is why experts recommend NOT moving in with a boyfriend until you are sure of your relationship, meaning marriage (or its equivalent non-marriage relationship, for those who want to permanently commit with out putting it on paper for whatever reason). Are you marrying him? If you don't know the answer to that, your son should NOT be calling him dad and he should NOT be sharing a home with the two of you! It's not fair for your son to fall in love with this father figure who is playing house with you if there is anything less than 100% commitment between the two of you that your relationship is for real and is for keeps.

My husband and I were single parents when we met and our children were each 3 years old. AFTER he proposed, we bought a house and all moved in together a couple of months before the wedding (the kids were 5). My son immediately started calling him "dad" and my husband wasn't ready for that and said "call me [first name] instead" and it crushed my son. It took him years to work back up to calling him "dad" again.

Your son knows that your BF isn't his biological father. If he doesn't know that, then it's high past the time for you to have had that conversation, so please make sure you talk to him and let him know who his birth father is and why he isn't there. Then maybe temper his expectations a bit with "maybe someday mommy and [BF] will get married and if we do, you can call [BF] daddy and we'll all be a family. But right now, we're not really a family so it's best if you call him [BF]."

And you and your BF need to figure out what your status is. If you're going to stay together, for goodness sake get married! And if he's not long-term material, slowly put some distance there and don't make the same mistake in the future. Your son deserves stability.

I don't know if you are eventually considering marriage or not but I would not want to give my child the impression that something was more permanent than it really is by allowing him to call him Dad. Until your relationship is committed as a marriage I wouldn't go there.

Wow. It depends upon how your boyfriend feels about this. But I would say no, because if the two of you end up not staying together your little boy would be so hurt. If you get married see what steps you need to take so he can adopt him. You can tell your son that your bf loves him like a son and MAYBE someday he will be able to call him dad but not right now.

No. Until he is dad, don't pretend. Pick out another special name for the guy so he's not just calling him Jack (or whatever his name is), but still not dad.

And your son is 6. He knows this isn't his dad. You won't crush his heart telling him what he already knows. Tell him the truth. Dad is a very special name for a very special guy. But we're not there yet. How about instead of calling him dad, you call him ________ so he knows you think he's special.

You must have a commitment from the man you are living with. If your guy loves you and your child, there should be no problem with him being called dad. If that isn't going to happen, he should move out and you should move on.

Keep us posted.

Blessings......

Your son knows your bf's not his dad, but he cares about him.

The question is, are you and your boyfriend ready to be more than just live-ins? Does your boyfriend want to be your husband and your son's dad? That's the big one. If BF is not and won't ever be interested in being dad, then you have a choice to make. If he is, then you have some conversations to have. When you get married, then BF becomes dad - don't know what the legal parts would be, but family-wise that's where it would go. Till then, he's just a BF.

Once you both know what you want from the relationship, you'll be able to give your son more of an answer. Good luck!

I would discuss it with the boyfriend first. He has not asked you to marry him yet. Would he be willing to adopt him? Because if the Bf is not up to adoption etc then he is not ready to be called dad. It would be very tramatic for your son if he called him dad and then you break up with the boyfriend and he doesnt want anything to do with your son anymore.

I don't think your son, at 6, is asking if this guy is really Dad, he just wants a Dad in his life. However, until your boyfriend is your husband, I personally would resist the temptation of letting him call him Daddy. Maybe come up with another "special" name for him in the meantime? But you're right, at some point you will need to have a conversation with him about why he doesn't have a Daddy present when some of his friends do. Good luck!

i would say if your bf makes the commitment that hes there forever even if you 2 should part why not...if hes not there for the long haul than no...but i assume he wouldn't move in without being there for the long run

I would encourage your son to call your BF by his first name. Calling him "dad" will only confuse him.

Your child is your FIRST priority, the guy comes after him. You don't want to hurt your son, yet you will be because you are not being responsible. I would Never have let this man move in my house unless you married him. He should not call him Dad, because you are not married to this man, nor did he adopt your child. If he decides to walk for whatever reason, then what ? 'daddy left us ?' NO !! You have opened the can of worms here and need to do one of two things, have him move out, and he can still be a part of your lives, or if you decide to do the wrong thing and have him live in your house - you have to have your child call him by his first name.

This is really messed up - because you are also teaching your child its ok, to live with someone before marriage - I don't feel that's right. Your bedroom and life should not be an open door for new men to come in - and in the process your child becomes attached to, and he doesn't understand what his relationship is to them in the big scheme of things.

I feel sad for your child really. I am a single mom and would never do this. No guy will ever move in my house unless we were married.

I would talk to your boyfriend about it and possibly have him talk to your son about their relationship. I have a friend who started living with her boyfriend recently (they are very seriously committed, but not getting married). He has started to take on a dad role in her daughter's life because he real dad was never around. She explained to her daughter the idea of "different kinds of dads" and the girl now knows that she has the dad that "made her" and she has the dad that "cares for her each day." However, he talked to her about his role in her life before she started calling him dad. It helped both of them be comfortable with where they were at, and it helped the boyfriend understand that he wasn't just committing to the mom, but to the daughter. But, yea, I think it'd be best to talk to your boyfriend and have him proceed with talking to your son. If he's serious about being with you, he'll be willing to define his relationship with your son to your son and you.

I feel it is important to talk with the boyfriend first. Does your boyfriend AND you both feel that you would be comfortable if the boyfriend committed himself to your son? You see, once he accepts that title, he has accepted a position. Dad is not a nickname. It is a relationship. Your son loves him like a father, depends on him like a father, obeys him like a father, lives in the same house with him like a father. So, in the child's eyes, the man has already assumed this position and feels he has every right to use that title. It is not only because the child wants to have that natural security, it is a matter of honoring the position your boyfriend has assumed.

If you think about it, this sweet child has no idea what DNA has to do with anything. As far as he knows, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and has feathers like a duck, well then why not call it a duck?

BUT, what this sweet child also does not understand is the importance of commitment. He does not understand that this is an experiment, that this is just a 'maybe dad'.

So, I would put this to the boyfriend. You are both adults and have to consider what it means to set a child up for a real possibility for torturous feelings of abandonment later. If the boyfriend truly loves your son, understands your son's need for a father, and is willing to commit to your son in that way, AND, if you truly feel your boyfriend has the strength of character to be loyal to your son even if your relationship with the boyfriend fails, what is wrong with letting your son honor him with the title?

Parenthood is not just about the biology, but the commitment. If someone is my sister, she is always my sister. If she abandons me, I live with the knowledge that my sister abandoned me the rest of my life. Once you call someone wife or husband, there is no going back. If the marriage fails, that person is now and forever either a wife or and ex-wife, a husband or an ex-husband. I've never heard of an ex-father. We don't even give that position a title. He becomes my mom's ex-whatever.

If you feel the whole thing is too experimental at this time. Then you might explain things in those terms. You can try to help you son understand that you both feel honored that he wants to 'give' that title to your boyfriend. But, you can also explain that these types of family titles are permanent and that it might be better if he waits till the grownups decide to make things permanent. Then you might try finding a middle ground that allows a more appropriate sort of title that honors the temporary position that has been assumed.

My son adopted a handful of Aunties and Uncles who were not relatives. He feels a marvelous bond with them still as an adult. Some did not live nearby. I would not suggest the title Uncle in this situation, but you might consider something like Daddy Mike (whatever his name is). My son never said that one of his adopted uncles was HIS uncle. He just called him Uncle John. Your son can say, "That's Daddy Mike" instead of, "That's MY dad."

It allows the child to have a special title that honors the love without attaching words of ownership. He refers to you as "my mom". He can refer to the two of you as "my mom and Daddy Mike."

These may seem like semantics to some, but words can be very powerful and situations like this can be so very confusing to children. Anything you can do to help him get some clarity and feel dignity is golden.

Hope you find these thoughts helpful in coming to your decision and that you all find a comfortable and supportive way to handle things. Best of luck on developing that sense of home and family that allows everyone to thrive.

Okay I have written three answers and erased them because honestly this is a tough one. I know everybody is saying after the wedding but sometimes there isnt a wedding- I have been together 20 years no wedding- I have friend that has daughter that calls her ex boyfriend dad- she visits him and his new family just like she would an actual dad she was in the same kinda position the father ran out this new guy loved her and has ever since. Maybe if you think this guy will stick around for him even if he isnt with you "dad" might be okay. Talk to your boyfriend about it as weird as it is "dad" is a very heavy name to carry. Hope this helps

what does your BF think about it? what do you mean by 'crushing his heart'?, does that mean you are afraid things might not work out between you & BF & your sons heart will be crushed? i feel sad for your son......it is not wise to move in with a man when you have a child, so yes you should be very worried about crushing your sons heart, especially since he has a weakness for men & is craving that father figure. Its never to late to make it right. Find out were BF stands in his commitment to you & if he's not ready for marriage or at least getting engaged & setting a date then consider moving out till he is. You and your son both deserve to be happy but do it responsibly!!!

I'd be honest with him. Your BF loves him and isn't dad in the sense that they share genetic code, but he's still someone who cares about him very much. I think you should talk to your BF and see how he feels about being called dad and let him talk to your son about it. Even if he doesn't want to be "dad", there's more to a father than a title. And perhaps wait for that title til he's your husband and/or adopted your son.