What Do I Do? - Vallejo,CA

I understand your pain. When I was a single parent as a rule, I never let a love interest into the life of my child unless he was more than just a boyfriend. You don't indicate how old you are so it is hard to guage the time factor.

I'm married now and 44 years old. So at some point in my adulthood I decided it was more important for me to like the guy, develop a relationship with the guy, learn his character and habits which takes over a year, and then possibly introduce him to my son who is much older than yours.

I hope you aren't living with your boyfriend. My great-grandmother always said that playing house is dangerous for us women because we can distinguish fantasy from reality in our hearts. I didn't understand her while she was telling me this at 12 but I came to learn the truth of this statement.

I would encourage you to try to do as much as you can for yourself and your son without BF. Act more like a single (I'm not talking about dating others). I'm talking about being responsible for you and your son's well being. Why should your BF be allowed to have a relationship with you and your son where he doesn't know where it is going?

Don't you dare say a word to BF. Just show him life without you and your little one and see what happens. He's been your BF for 3 years and I think that is plenty of time to know if he wants a commited relationship with you and all the responsiblity that comes with it or if something else is going on here.

Before you invest more of your or your son's heart in this, kindly withdraw, wait and see. Maybe he isn't the kind of man you want to have father your son. I hope this wasn't too harsh but helpful.

I'm sorry, and I'm not trying to flame you or anything, but this isn't surprising. This man is your boyfriend, not the father of your child nor your husband. He told the truth: maybe one day. If you want another answer, then you have to make that happen, you know? It's like not saving for retirement then being surprised that you can't retire because you have no money. If you want your child to have a good, stable father then you make that decision before getting pregnant. As for how to deal with it now, tell him that you're ready to get married and if he's not ready, then I'd like to say leave him, but where does that leave your son? You have to plan for life. It is not a surprise to get pregnant, it doesn't just happen. You make it happen. Now you're in a situation that is really heartbreaking for your son. I hope your partner agrees to get married and adopt your son. If he doesn't then maybe you should cut your losses.

Why are you upset over this? You guys aren't engaged. I agree with showing your son his dads pic and information about him. I would talk to your bf about getting married since it sounds like that is what you want.

It sounds like your son is confused and really can you blame him? He wants a father, he has this man in his life.

Do you love your BF enough to get married? If so, I think the time has come for you guys to go ahead and do just that. Talk with your BF and maybe he will agree...then your sweet lil' son can have a daddy!

I understand your feelings...I would be upset with my BF too...especially since he has been the only "Father Figure" in your son's life, since he was a newborn, right?

Time to have a talk with the BF and see what comes of it! If nothing else maybe you could talk with the BF and let him know that it wouldn't hurt for him to give your son some reassurance that he loves him like a son and feels like his daddy, even if he isn't yet!

Why are you with a guy who would say that to your son? Either marry that guy or get out of that relationship if there is not going to be any commitment. Look what randomly living with this guy is doing to your son.

I don't get it. I would never let my child bond with a man and love him as a father, when we had no intention of getting married. Now the kid will have his heart broken.

There are many unknowns about your situation...we don't need to know the answers to them but they make a difference in how you should handle the situation. Is your BF reluctant to commit or are you both not ready? Do you and BF handle your son as if your BF is his father (as in does he love, nurture, and correct your son...you know, all the things a father does)? If the answer is yes, then you should probably talk to your BF and tell that all though he may not really be his "DAD" he is already daddy to your son. Your BF maybe should have said something like "Maybe one day it will be official but I already think of you as my son". Of course, that is assuming that is how he feels. Kids this age don't get the difference between "dad" and biological father. If your son doesn't already and wants to, are you ok w/ him calling your BF daddy? I don't suggest that unless the child wants to AND you are close to making things official but it sounds like he may feel left out of having someone to call Dad.

I don't think your boyfriend intentionally hurt your boy. Sounds like a spur of the moment, safe answer. If your son has been asking you constantly about his dad, you should have answered him in age appropriate answers. You created confusion in his eyes.

Tell him who and where his dad is, show him a picture. The kid has a right to know, and when he is older, he should know more for health reasons. Just let him know his biological father didn't treat the family nice, but maybe one day he will show up, but you can't make any promises.

As for what the boyfriend said, maybe he just never really thought of it like that. Maybe he has but never talked to you about it. Have YOU ever talked to him about it? I don't think I would be that hurt by it, but can see how it can be hurtful and confusing.

Really, he hasn't even committed to be your husband yet, so you can't really expect him to say he will be the child's father on the spot like that. It honestly sounds like a reasonable answer to me given the situation.

Maybe a deep discussion on what melding your two families together means to everyone is in order. Just remember, you put your child in this situation yourself, without ever clarifying anything.

I agree. It sounds like your BF was caught off guard. Plus, men generally have a difficult time with the brain/mouth functionality. LOL. If only they thought before they spoke.....
He could have meant it as maybe one day you guys would be married and THEN he'd be his daddy.
Just calmly talk to the BF to make sure you understand what he was saying. Then let him know that you think maybe you misunderstood him and that worries you because your son may have misunderstood as well
Good luck.

Tell your 4 year old that for you BF to be his "dad" you & he would have to get married first. Are you living together? Id so, this child is probably pretty confused about his statement and he may think he IS his dad. Not sure how old your son was when your new BF and you got together, so hard to say.....
In his defense, your BF was probably caught off guard by your son's comment and that seems like a pretty "safe" and "generic" response.

Tell it to your son straight. Tell him who his bio dad is but that BF has filled this role all these years. Hopefully you and BF can have a conversation about where your relationship is going before then. I'm sure that he said that because he doesn't want to promise something that he can't. Will the bio dad give up rights for an adoption? Have you talked to your BF about why he said this?

Most children might assume that the man in their life IS their father. The fact that your child is aware that your BF isn't his father lets us know that your BF is certainly not acting like a father or a caring person. I can't imagine that your son was asking your BF to adopt him - as if your son knows the legal ramifications of an adoption. It sounds as if he's asking your BF to love him and pay attention to him and "be his father" - you BF just said NO. Give your BF the boot.

It sounds like there are many obstacles to your relationship with your bf. His kids do not like you and your son is longing for a father figure. You have to decide if this bf is worth the obstacles. If you do decide that he is, be sure that your son is given the attention that he craves from a father figure. If you have a son, your bf has to understand his role in your relationship and that he also needs a relationship with your son. He can't just have you, he gets both of you! Good luck!

First of all, I don't know what you expected your BF to say. "Yes" before talking to you, or "No" and really hurt your son's feelings. I think he did the best he could to respond in a difficult/uncomfortable situation. Also, since he hasn't asked you to marry him, perhaps in his mind this is not a permanent situation. It is very difficult when one parent is absent. It will get worse when he goes to school and the other boys start talking about their dads and things they did with their dads, etc. I would sit down and have a conversation with my boyfriend about where the relationship is headed. If it's not to marriage, then I think you and your son need to make a break sooner rather than later because the longer you wait, the more your son will be hurt. As for what to tell your son, you have to tell him that his dad chose not to be around and that is his loss because he's missing out on being with a great kid. It will always hurt your son, no matter if you remarry and he gets a step dad, the fact that his real dad chooses not to be around will always hurt him. There is nothing you can do about that, but be supportive.