Is She Too Young to Hear the Truth?

My daughter was about 3 when me and her dad split up she not to young they need to know are they will ask more and more questions if you try to make things sound to good she understands more then what you think If you dont tell her now some whst she may have a harder time with it later Its better they know the other parent isn't coming are doesn't want to then they don't expect it later on.

I have an 18 year old son who has seen his "dad" 3 times in his whole life! I was very lucky to have a friend that gave me the best advise ever.... when kids ask a question always tell the truth in a positive way and only answer the question that they ask. She told me that parents tend to go way into depth and it is confusing.... EXAMPLE: When my son asked at the age of 5 or 6 where babies come from... I said " the birth canal". He said "oh...!" My advise is keep it short and simple and answer thier questions in a age apropreate way. They only ask what they need to know. Discusions of my son's father expanded over years... not just over one question. Good luck!

G.,
She is not too young to hear the truth.

Just becareful to not say anything negative about him. Say he is absent and that is about it. You don't know where to find him, so honesty with a kind heart is the best policy.

Just let her know that you think she is a wonderful little girl and that the man who helped you make her doesn't know what he is missing out on. I dealt with the same situation myself, so I know how heartbreaking this is for you to see her go through this. Just try to make extra special time for her to spend alone with you with your undivided attention. That seemed to help my daughter understand how very important she was to me. It helps her sense of worth, when she would think about the person missing in her life.
Hope this helps.
Hugs,
G.

It's tough and there will be many more questions in the future, I imagine. I always go for the truth...even if she can only handle a little bit of it. If you don't know where he is, etc..that's probably the best you can do right now. As she gets older, she'll ask more probing questions and that's usually a good sign she's ready for more. Yes, it's sad, but I believe lying to her now will only cause problems between the two of you later.

Hope it goes well, and I'm thankful she has a mommy who loves her! Hang in there!

Listen I have 2 children and their fathers have nothing to do with them. When they ask I tell them that I don't know where he is and that I am sure that he loves them in his own way. Now my son is 12 so I can get a little more detailed with him and I tell him that I feel sorry for his dad because he is missing out on a really cool kid. It's really hard to decide what to tell them but you know what to do if you just look in your heart.

Definitely don't lie. Tell her the truth, but make it age appropriate. As to what is age appropriate, only prayer, introspection, meditation, and maybe some outside help can determine that for your family. Answer only the questions she asks though....don't offer more information. Remember she is only three and does not have the ability to process most of what you wish to tell her....And remember that she is half of him. No matter how you feel about him, if you disparage him to her, you are telling her that half of her is bad. Don't make him a hero, but try to monitor your word choice and keep your emotions in check.

Good luck!

G., I have been a single mom to two wonderful kids. An 18 year old, and a 10 year old. They have two different fathers however, due to perhaps my lack of better judgement in men years ago, neither father is involved in my childrens lives. However, no father is better than a bad father. I was always honest with my children, never bad mouthing their biological dads, but telling them the truth. No father is better than a bad father. I was honest from the very beginning, and although it was tough I decided that honesty was the best policy. Also I used my father as a stand in dad, they both love their granpa and he was always great about being there for them, I also was good about helping them build relationships with my brothers, that way there was always a male figure/role model in their lives.
Just stay honest, and she'll understand, besides your young, you might find a wonderful man who will love you baby girl as his own, and that G. will fill the void she is missing, but make sure she comes first!!
Goodluck

i think you are right in telling her the truth. you don't know where her daddy is and you don't know how to get ahold of him. just keep and it short and simple. and don't say anything negative about him to her...she will resent you for it later on...especially if they end up with a realtionship later on. I know that from experience. my mom used tosay awful things about my dad and i hated her for it.

I believe you should tell her the truth. My daughter began asking questions at an early age too and I told her that I didn't know where he was or how to get in contact with. He had seen her once, when she was 6 months old, and called several times but never saw her again. He always said he wanted to be apart of her life and I was fine with that, but I don't think he could deal with being a dad or something. She is almost 10 and has always asked about him. My daughter is wise beyond her years though and luckily she's handled it very well. As she puts it, why would she want a dad that hasn't wanted anything to do with her. Like someone else wrote, just make what you say age appropriate...but always be upfront and honest. Good luck.

I dont think she is too young to hear the truth as long as you say it in a way of not putting her dad down. No matter of your feelings for him she has to develope her own. My daughters father and I split up when she was 6 weeks old. He came around in october for her birthday and was gone the day after Christmas. I was always left picking up the pieces. She is now 17 and when he called wanting to see her this past october "she" not I told him she was busy. She refers to my current husband as her daddy. She doesnt hate or dislike her bio father she just has her own life. You daughter too, will decided her own opinion of her father.

Whatever you do, Don't talk bad about her dad. Let her daddy tell her and make his own excuses to her. Don't be the bad guy, let him bury his own hole, or you may have problems down the road.

Okay first off, He stinks and you are there doing a good job! 2ndly yes, tell her the truth but make it no big deal. She will respond to it the way you present it. Just be factual.
and calm. Dont cry, dont be apologetic, dont make him the bad guy...She wont be scared for life...You can do this!

G.,
My folks got divorced before I was born and we lived in a different state than "bio-dad". I was lucky enough to be surrounded by extended family during those early years and I think that filled any "void". I can't help you with explaining it to your daughter, but i do know that my mom never talked negatively about him. She didn't speak about him with love either, but not having a bad view helped when I showed interest in trying to have a relationship with him when I was older. Now we kind of have and Uncle-type relationship....he is definately not a "dad", but someone I keep in touch with every once in a while especially now that I have a little boy. I do remember my mom always telling me that it was "his loss" when I would get upset from not hearing from him for my birthday or Christmas. She seemed to make the effort to take the emotions that could easily be used to bash him into making me feel important. I am sorry that I can not help you with explaining it to her, but the fact that he lives in a different state does help explain why he is not around.

If I was you I also would tell my child the truth!! Maybe it might help her to see a photo of her dad. But remember to never tell her anything neg about her dad. Just that he moved to another place and that you aren't sure where he is. Also you can tell with her asking that she is needing a male in her life. If you have any male figures like your dad or brothers even a friend that might spend time with her that would be good for her to relate with a male.

Awww first of all, BIG HUGS to you! I was a single parent for about 2 years. My 3 year old's father has NEVER seen him or anything. He left whenever I was pregnant (I am in West Virginia & he moved to Florida!!!) He has never called or anything since he's been born. I know how tough it is. I met a great guy last year & we have a new lil one in our life now. He came around before Jayden turned 2 so he has been here in his life about a year & a half now. Anyway, he is the only daddy Jayden knows. Jayden calls him daddy (all of this he did on his own). I still am honest with him about his biological dad. I don't want to wait til he is older & tell him Jason isn't his real dad. I want him to know all along. Honesty is best. Whenever Jayden asks about his birth father, I tell him he is in Florida. He says he wants to go see him & I tell him maybe someday but not right now because mommy can't call him because I don't have his number. He doesn't question that answer & just says, OH & goes along on his way. It is tough, I know. I couldn't imagine having him come in & then disappear. I am sorry you have to go through this. I hope it gets easier for the both of u!

Hi G.!

First of all, props to you! I know how hard it is being a single mother, and you need to give yourself a pat on the back! I was in this same situation growing up, and barely knew my father. I would get a phone call from him every once in awhile, but rarely seen him. He remarried after my Mom left him, and he started another family. Not til I was 18 and pregnant with my oldest daughter, did I spend any real time with him. I agree with the other gals, that honesty is definitely the best way to go, but a little at a time. I wish my mom had told me more about him when I was younger, as I had this fairytale in my head, and he ended up being a very abusive man, and he sometimes seemed crazy.

Just always remind her that you love her more than both a mom and dad could. Someday, you'll meet the man of your dreams, and he's the one that your daughter will remember. My oldest daughters tell me that when they get married, they want me to walk them down the aisle, as I've always been both mom and dad to them. Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy! The fact that you asked this question, shows what a great mom you are!

i don't have any experience with anything like this, but in general i'd say it's never a good idea to lie to your kids. you are setting a precedent that it's sometimes ok to lie, and that could come back to haunt you. however, because she is so young i wouldn't volunteer any extra information either. when she asks,"can we call daddy?" i'd do like you've been, and say, "no, sweetie, we don't have his phone number" and leave it at that. i wouldn't go into why you two aren't together and what a jerk he is, etc. when she's older, she'll figure things out for herself as far as that goes. whatever you decide-- good luck!

G.,

I know it's hard. My ex is so wishy washy that sometimes he wants to see our son and sometimes he doesn't. My son and I are in therapy and he doesn't even talk about his dad. Telling her the truth is very important according to my therapist. Sometimes I just tell him I'm sorry, because I have told him numerous times that he is not coming. We can't change the behavior of these men and we shouldn't have to. It's hard, but try to move on. She is young enough that she will forget him. I do have male friends and let my son see his 3 grandpas as much as possible. It really does seem to help. Good luck to you.

J. W

G., I have a four year old who has never seen his natural father. I have been lucky however, because the man I have been dating since my son was 6weeks old has taken him under his wing. Do you have a father or male friend who you would trust to spend time with her? I know she thinks she wants her daddy, but honestly you might be waisting your time explaining to a three year old and you might do more harm then good. no I wouldn't sugar coat it, I would just tell her that he is away and that she's so lucky to have a mommy that loves her so much. I'm not sure but I think there are books out there that explain the different kinds of families. Do you know what I mean? I thought I seen something like it on sesame street once. like some children live with grandparents, some live with mommy's some with daddy's and some live with other adults that take care of them. well I'm not sure if this helps, but I hope so. If you ever want to talk my email is ____@____.com Its on myspace. good luck chris

You are doing fine - you aren't bad-mouthing her father, just stating the truth. It is definately hard to know how much to say, but you can reassure her (probably more when she is older) that he is the one missing out on having a wonderful daughter in his life. Let her know this was him wanting to start a new life but that she has many people who love her. When she gets into school, hopefully she has an uncle or grandpa that can "fill in" when there are functions when Dads are to attend.

I am a stepmom & my stepson's mother is MIA - he hasn't heard from or seen her in about 4 yrs. She left when he was 3 & was only in town maybe 1 or 2 times a year before that. He is 10 & I feel lucky that I have been able to be there for him. It is a very tough situation and it is SO HARD sometimes not to just let it all out & express how you REALLY feel, but it isn't the right thing to do! Some day they will figure it all out themselves. And you are the lucky one because you will be there for every step of their growth & get to take the pride in knowing you have done a wonderful job!
Good luck - we are here for you!

I was in a similar situation when my son was young. My husband saw him only a handful of times and then moved to a different state and advised me he did not plan on being a part of his life. My son is now 8 and I sitll have not told him the truth about his biological father. I didn't want there to be feeings of abandonment that stayed within him. I honestly think that three is too young to tell her the absolute truth. I think just telling her you don't know where he is and that you will let her know if you hear from him would be sufficient. Children can be so sensitive about issues that deal with their mom and/ or dad. I would hate for her to be too young to understand if you told her the truth and then feel as if she did something wrong to maake daddy go away. Even telling children, when they are young, that it has nothing to do with does not keep them from feeling that way. That is why I have not told my son the whole situation yet. I think even at 8 he would have too hard of a time digesting the truth. I hope this is alittle helpful. Feel free to contact me if you would like to talk more. ____@____.com

I personally think honesty is the best policy. Don't tell her everything. I think telling her daddy is not around and you have no way of making, i guess making is a bad choice of word, him come around is the best thing to say. I had some friends that their entire lives were lied to about such things, and they ended up resenting there moms! Still do for that matter. One in paticular. Although, his mom always told him that his dad was dead. He wasn't dead just didn't want to be in his life. So he mourned all the time for someone who wasn't dead and didn't care about him. So now he likes his father more than his mother. He figures at least his dad was honest. Which is weird! So just tell her the truth in the most careful and truthful way possible. You don't want to be the one who pays in the future!

I know it's hard on you trying to explain to your daughter where her dad is.Eventualy she will stop asking,when he does come around again it wont mean that much to her and she will see his pattern they are very smart.
I went through a bad situation like that my husband and I divorced whwen my daughter was 4 The agreement was he could have her in the afternoons every other weekend until she was older,thank god when it came time every other weekend he was still living with his parents.
On Friday,his weekend he was supposed to be on his way my daughter would stand at the front door and wait with her little suitcase.Hewouldnot even show up..I stayed strong MAD Heartbroken the way she acted wanting to see him.Don't talk bad or anything they see as they grow up later on.She is now 22 and let me tell you we still talk about all those times,she loves him but knows what he did.. Good-Luck.

Truth knows no age. Tell her the facts about her father's behavior. Since you don't have any ideas as to why he fell off the face of the planet, don't try to justify or make excuses for her dad. Sometimes people, even mommies and dadies, can't be what we want or need them to be and it's not our fault. We make our own decisions ans it's just best to understand that now. Follow your heart--you know what's best.