Lie to My Daughter or Tell Her Truth, Please Help Me Make Right Decision

My M. answered he lives in x. Then when I was older, he lives in x and we don't see him very often. Then finally, he left when you were young and only came back a few times.

I have never seen any good come of lying to kids about anything other than Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy.

The truth always wins in these situations. It is going to be tricky though because you already told her a lie that is going to be hard to explain. I would just try to explain that not everyone has a mom and a dad and that she only has a mom and whoever else is there to help you out. Talk about all the people that are there for her grammie, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins and I would even go as far as talking about family pets. It will be hard to do and she will be sad but if you tell her the truth now it will be easier in the end.

You don't include the real story, but I assume her father could easily see her if he wanted to? I would say if it feels like a lie, then you shouldn't be saying it. Why make yourself feel like a bad guy because of him? That being said, you needn't be so honest that you say "Dad is a jerk and doesn't want to see you."

Sadly, regardless of what you tell her, she will come to understand pretty soon and know her father doesn't want to have a relationship with her - even if you kept up the pretense of a hard working father in some exciting place.

I think it is better to keep things factual - like tell her his name, show her pictures, tell her where he lives, etc. I owuld leave it at that and don't let him be a mystery man. But don't volunteer information nor make excuses for him. If she starts to say, "why doesnt' he live here and see me?" let her know she is a wonderful little girl, and tell her that her father is making bad choices and doesn't know how to be a Daddy right now. And point out all the wonderful people and men she does have in her life who love her - it is important she knows that not all men should behave this way.

Sorry you are going through this. I feel terrible for her and you. I know this is kind of different, but my daughters don't have any grandfathers. My father is abusive and my father in law abandonded his family 20 years ago. My 6 year old started asking around age 4, not about a grandfather but about "Mom's father." I basically was factual and said they weren't good men, they didn't treat their families the way they deserved to be treated with kindness and respect, and if people don't treat you well, they don't deserve to know you. That sort of thing. It hasn't really been an issue beyond that - yet.

Stop lieing to her! As she gets older, she is going to start expecting to see him and will be even more hurt when she finally understands that he was never really there for her TOO see. Little ones this age understand more than we give them credit for and are a lot more resilient too. Sit down with her, tell her the truth, have lots of hugs and call it good. She'll still want to know about him, but it will be easier to talk to her about it if you aren't lieing about it.

I'm not sure you are lying. She has a father, and he's far away and can't see her. As she gets older, you can explain that "far away" sometimes means distance, and sometimes it's more emotional.

At two, she's probably not asking super complicated questions. When she says "where's my daddy?" you can say "He doesn't live with us. We're so lucky we have each other!" and switch the subject. When she starts asking why he doesn't live with you, you can explain that different families work in different ways. Not telling her the whole grown-up truth is not the same thing as lying; it's being developmentally appropriate.

Good luck.

my nieces father was never in the picture. when she asked where he was, we always named the town that he lived in and left it at that when she was young.as she got older we would tell her "he lives in ___, with his family." why lie and then continue to lie as she gets older. it might cause her to resent you later when she finds out. or confuse her.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy!! You can omit the parts where he doesn't take the time to see her... she'll figure that part out on her own. Just explain that lots of families only have a mommy (or just a daddy, some have 2 mommys, some have only grandparents, etc)... there are probably lots of good children's books out there explaining family dynamics. I was very honest with my girls... and they took the fact that biodad wasn't in the picture at face value, and they know that my fiance is their REAL daddy, the one who loves them and works hard for them and tucks them in at night. Before my fiance came along, they knew that I was both 'mom AND dad' in a sense... Children adapt remarkably well, but it's important to teach the value of honesty. If you lie now, you'll have a lot of explaining to do when she's older and wiser, and that would make you the bad guy. Don't lie!

I agree 100% with Ami...don't lie to your little girl. She is going to have to face the truth that her Daddy just isn't interested in being part of her life sooner or later...and if you continue to lie to her...she is going to lose her trust in you when she does find out the truth. You cannot change the fact that her Daddy doesn't want to see her, but you CAN be there to love her and tell her that it is going to be alright. I don't know how old your little girl is, if she is old enough to understand that you have been less than forthcoming with all of the facts...you need to apologize to her and tell her that you were simply trying to protect her feelings...and were continuing to hope that your ex would somehow change his mind and be a part of her life. Tell her that you are sorry that he has made this decision...but that you will always always be there for her.
Do you live near family? Is there a Grandpa, Uncle or some other strong loving male figure in her life? It so important for little girls to have a good man to learn about male/female relationships from.

J. - if you lie to her - it WILL catch up with you - the truth ALWAYS comes out - whether you like it or not.

Once she finds out your deception - she will never ever be able to trust you again...especially about lying about something sooooo important.

At the age of 2 - there should be a simple way to tell her that her that her biological father isn't available or has chosen another path - but above all else DO NOT LIE TO HER!!

If you watch the movie "Dear John" you will see the affects of LYING to a child about the whereabouts of the other parent.

You can also find a counselor or someone who has experience in developing the right way to tell her the truth....I've NEVER had to tell a child that their bio parent didn't care enough to be around.

Tell her she doesn't have a father? And it's a miracle if he shows up? This is your kid's life, it isn't a game.

You don't lie. Kids aren't stupid and if you do lie she will find out. Just like if she lied you'd find out.

Not every kid has a father at home. Some don't have mothers. You tell her that families are made in very different ways, and yours doesn't have a father living at home. He isn't with your family right now. And someday maybe she'll get to meet him. If you don't think that's going to happen, don't string her along. Just tell her sometimes fathers aren't around and as she grows she will see that families are made in very different ways and hers is just fine the way it is. I like Dawn's advice about asking the doctor. You could ask a counselor to help you through this if you think she'll never see him.

But please don't lie.

If you don't tell her the truth now, when are you going to? She's going to find out one day, somehow.

All you need to offer for an explanation right now is that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. You don't need to badmouth him. Let his actions (or lack thereof) speak for themselves.

At this point, how you approach your references to him will affect how she views men as she grows up. If you're bitter, she'll grow up with that. Not trusting or liking men. I'm sure you don't want that for her.

Do not lie to her, the truth always comes out. I would stick to age appropriate answers. Keep them short for now, reassure her of the people she does have in her life, like you, grandma, grandpa, etc. When she gets into school she can make fathers day gifts for grandpa, uncle, etc. It is difficult I know, but lying isn't going to change things for her. I have been there with my son, so I know how hard it is to not have a dad in the picture. On the bright side I did remarry when my son was 3 to a wonderful man who loves my son as a dad should, and he is 26 now. Good luck!!

If your ex isn't living in a very far place, you should not tell her that. I was a little less than two when my father died, and people tried to convince my mother to tell me something that wasn't true - he was on a business trip in Cali when he died and when I'd ask for my father, some relatives would tell me he was still in California, and she'd correct them and tell me he was dead even though I didn't know what that meant. If your daughter asks where her father is, tell her an age-appropriate explanation. More details over the years as she gets older but for now, something along the lines of that you and her daddy used to be married and are not any more should do fine. It's hard for a child to understand that a parent would choose not to know them and spend time with them, but that is the reality of the situation.

you need to say daddy doesn't live with us and leave it at that. no made up stories and at 2 the only thing she is going to ask or know is what you tell her. She may notice he is not there. you just say he doesnt live with us. no need to go into big long drawn out tales about why. he/she does not need to know that stuff. it sounds more like you are needing the comforting than she does at this point. don't make it into a big drama if he has been gone from her life she doesn't know any different there are lots of books at the library that talk about all the different kinds of families there are. (mom and baby --- mom and dad and baby--- grandma and baby etc....) it takes all configurations for a family not just a mom and dad

My biological dad was never really a part of my life. He pretty much told my mom that he wasn't ready to "settle down" with a family. She had him sign over custody (she was scared that one day he would try to take me), but never tried to get child support. I always knew who he was--she'd show me pictures and tell me stories and sometimes he'd send a birthday card or little gift, but I only saw him a handful of times from birth until ~6y/o. Then, I didn't hear from him for many years. I had very little contact with his family, but they were always nice to me. I finally "met" him when I invited him to my high school graduation--and we visited each other a couple of times through college. ...Now, he's pretty much disappeared... so...
I say just give her simple responses that she can understand. Help her to not feel "unloved" or "unwanted" and try to let her have a relationship with his family (if they are good people and want to know her).

if you lie to the child about her father, then its only a matter of time before someone comes along and tells the child the truth, and they wont be very nice about it, more then likely, better that she hear the truth from you, then hear it from some busybody who doesnt like you.
K. h.

It is more than okay to tell your child you don't know the answer to something...NOBODY knows everything! Simply tell her that you don't know where her daddy is (or, if you do know where he is, say you don't know why he doesn't spend time with her), mommies only know MOST things, not ALL :)

By not telling your daughter the truth when she is able to understand will show her that lying is fine and thus when she gets older it will be second nature to her. Besides, she is the innocent one and telling her that her father and you were together when she was born but that he and you were not getting along and thus decided for her benefit and both of yours as well that being apart would be better will show her that it was not because of her that things went south, just that adults sometimes cannot be together.
My oldest son and I lived on our own from when he was 3 after his father and I split up. His dad did not even come back into the picture until my son was 5 (then he was there every other weekend) which was crazy to me but my son grew up realizing the fact that his dad is "around" but he can't depend on him. That was my issue too.
Children are more resilient and will understand more than you know. Some more than others.
But - the fact that you have to ask whether it is right or wrong to tell the truth - you know the truth to this question already. Don't tell her something that isn't... her feelings will be hurt more by you continuing this falsity.

Do not lie to her. At some point, she will get older, figure out you lied to her on an ongoing basis and it will create trust issues between the two of you. At this point, I think you should say as little as possible because she won't really understand anyway. I would just say what I always told my daughter about her absentee father, "he loves you the best he knows how and it is his loss that he's not around." That way, you're not saying anything bad about dad - if you do, you will regret that also. Hold your mud, don't lie, and just let her know that it's his loss, not hers.

In addition to all the sage advice about not lying to, is there any way you can copy this Q&A off and mail it to him? Or email it to him?

why do you need to tell her the truth and confuse her. and why do you need to lie to her. the truth is daddy lives at x and you live at y. but she will understand when she is older what a real daddy is. the truth is mommy and daddy cant get along. why lie? as far as why doesnt daddy come see me she needs to ask her daddy that instead of you making excuses to cover for him. he is the one doing it and he should be the one answering for it.

I wouldn't advising lying, when she's older she will probably find out the truth then be extremely upset with you for lying.... not to mention it's very hypocritical... I'm sure you'll be teaching her not to lie then she finds out you are lying... not good for the relationship.

Never a good idea to lie. You can follow up whatever you tell her, you can follow it up with talking about the family that she does have who love her. Some families have lots of grandparents, some have siblings, some don't, some have an Uncle Bob, some don't, etc. Even close friends can play the role a father figure.

I just read a GREAT book called "Bringing Up Girls" by Dr. James Dobson. I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone who has girls. It does talk about the importance of a father to a daughter, but also talks about how you can find a substitute father figure.

Even older children would have a difficult time wrapping their heads around why daddy doesn't live with them. Tell her she doesn't have a father-and if he ever shows up-unlikely-say "it's a miracle!"

Truth. Not all daddy's can be a part of their kid's lives. I wouldn't use work as an excuse though. You don't want her to freak out about you working.

My mom left my biological dad when I was 1 and I had no memory of him. Finally met him at 19 and realized there was a lot of years of "angst" that weren't really necessary once I found out the truth. I wish she'd handled things a little differently and just been basically honest with me, so I wasn't expecting him to come someday. Then disappointment, anger, and thinking I wasn't good enough, blah blah blah. A lot of years of stuff that didn't need to be.
I would say that everyone has a father but not everyone lives with their dad. You were married but then he left because he just wasn't a man who knew how to be a good husband or dad yet. Now he lives and works far away.
That is not talking bad about him, but it is the truth because a real man would be (a) husband enough to understand his responsibilities as a father and (b) man enough to face his daughter and give her the love she deserves. It's a very simple truth, and honesty is the best policy, as long as it's simple enough for her age level. This one is.

I agree with the others that you should never lie. It will hurt your trusting relationship with her later on. It's not always the truth that hurts, but rather the incorrect way you say it.

Research children's books that are written for such an situation.

Do I have a Daddy-Jean Lindsay
The Family Book by Todd Parr
Love Is a Family by Roma Downey
Who’s in a Family? by Robert Skutch
Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss
Raising You Alone by Warren Hanson

These may help you find the words. Good luck!!

The lie you are telling is that he doesn't come because he lives far away? Does he live far away? Far away is a vague term. Clearly it is far enough away that he isn't making the effort -- it may be emotionally far away, not physically far away.

If you have already started with this position and that child is only two, sick to it. However, if she is intersted in Daddy -- she could draw him a picture and you could mail it to him. You just need to be ready for the hurt when he doesn't respond. That hurt is going to happen sooner or later. I think the most important thing is for her to know that she is a wonderful child and that his lack of involvment says nothing about her.

In addition, there is also the possibility that if she does send him some pictures and a photo of herself, that he might make some effort. Would that be ok?

Good Luck, this is a tough one. Two is awful young for reversing your position.

Truth and I hope you at least have some pictures of your child's father and know something about his family. As a child gets older and even as an adult, not knowing is awful. I would also continue to send him photo's of the child and if he's not paying child support, get that started to.

Been there not fun not knowing a thing.

Blessings