The Dreadful "Where's MY Daddy?" Question

Karine,

I think at 2yrs, all she wants to know is the obvious. I don't think she is old enough to put the two together in the emotional effects and sense of it yet. So, tell her the truth. You have a daddy and he is far away is probably all she needs to know at this point. As she gets older, then you can add the other stuff. She sees others with a M. and a dad, and just simply want to know where hers is? Don't complicate it for her and only answer age appropriately what she asks. If she doesn't ask it, quite likely it's not bothering her.

I think the best policy is honesty, even if it's hard. I lived with my parents from the time I was 2, but wasn't adopted officially until 8. They didn't talk about my parents and I was afraid to ask. When I did hear offhanded comments, they were not nice. My "uncle" spent a lot of time with me and I always thought he was nice, and I never wondered why the attention. He had a different last name then me, so it didn't click. When I was adopted, he suddenly stopped coming around. I found out later that year that he was my father. I was broken hearted to suddenly find this out. It wasn't until years later though that he and I had a discussion about what had really happened. I had struggled for years wondering what happened and why no one talked to me. I had a lot of abandonment issues. As an adult I have been able to speak with my father and my birth mother as well. But I wish that everyone had just been open and honest with me from the beginning. Tell her who he is. Explain the best you can that his intentions may be good, but he isn't going to always be there. As she gets older, don't be rude, just honest. He loves her, and he may try, but he isn't always going to be reliable. My birth father was only 18 when he had me and had a lot of growing up to do, it would have been better if they'd simply told me this. Instead I wondered for years if he hated me. Also, there is nothing wrong with defining daddy for her. I clearly have a father, the man who had me, and a daddy, the one who raised me. She may not have a daddy right now, just a father. But she should know she has one.

My dad left when my sister was two and never saw her for two years. She clearly went through some stuff about it--they're just trying to figure out their world at that age and want to know why one family is different than another. If you have to tell her her daddy is far away, I would do that, calmly and simply. NEVER lie to a kid--there's no good way out of it.

However, if it were my child, I'd focus on what IS there. I would say something like "Families come in all shapes and sizes. You and I are a family." and maybe talk about the other close relatives. My son is two right now, so I know their attention spans aren't long--that should cover it!

I think it's great to focus on God, as the other poster said. Maybe not in direct answer to her question, but in general. "God is always there to take care of all of His children."

I also would encourage you to live a full, happy life with your daughter, bringing good people of both sexes into your life. The stronger and more complete you can be, the more she'll be able to look to your example. And part of that is not settling at all in a new love relationship! Only the best will do :-)

It sounds like she's bright and sensitive--I wish both of you all the best!

I guess I would tell her the truth without tearing the man apart. Tell her she has a father, who he is, and he lives far away. If she asks why he doesn't come to visit her often tell her "I don't know why. Sometimes people don't do things we want them to do. It's not your fault, it's nothing that you have done. Then tell her that you love her and will always be there for her. I'm not sure I would say that the dad loves her because she should know that people who love you don't abandon you. Don't get into the whys that he isn't around, just keep it simple and short. Encourage her to ask HIM why he isn't around the next time you see him. That should be a humdinger.

Karine,

Please take this for what it's worth, just advice. I grew up with my dad barely in the picture and an abusive stepfather. So, I have a lot to say on trying to find another daddy.

Don't.

You're last part of the post meant alot if you re-read it: "But I also thought there would be another man to replace him and distract the reality of the situation." Don't look for a distraction. You are postponing the inevitable - the disappointment that you and your daughter will feel. If you start now to slowly explain that her real father doesn't bother with her, but you love her unconditionally - she will get it. That is why your friends w/o fathers turned out the way they did... strong women. They overcame the pain and hurt that the dead beat caused.

Please look into using the men already within your family to create a better understanding for your daughter. She needs some type of male relationship that is important with growing up to be a woman. Father, brother, uncle, etc. She needs a male relationship when her real father is not there.

It will seem like eternity to explain the hurt and pain that this will cause her - but she will understand.

Please read: Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Parents-Mess-Their/dp...

Good luck and God bless :)

Hello Karine,

I also am in a similar situation except my 3 year old's dad is an alcoholic with other issues. I think you are doing a terrific job by not speaking of your daughter's dad in a negative way....that is probably more damaging that an absent parent. All situatins are unique however I feel that our actions and reactions in front of are kids are the backbone of how we structure their foundations. I decided that I will tell my son that his dad loves him very much however he does not live close by and cannot come by to see him, as he gets older and can understand better, I will start to tell him that his dad also has things that he needs to accomplsh before he can be a great dad to him...I will stress that it does not mean that his dad does not love him....he loves him very much, he just can't be us/him right now. Making my son still feel loved by his dad is important to me....he is DAD! I plan on keeping my son very busy and very happy as he grows, therefore, he won't have too much time or a longing for his dad. I do believe as time goes by there will be questions and issues that arise however I feel that if I am a strong role model that loves and respects my son, we will be fine at the end....regardless of what dad decides. For me it is easier if his dad just stays out, having to deal with my sons emotions and disappointment when dad does not live up his responsibilites breaks my heart and my son's. With that said, make sure you are over yor daughters dad too, you may be sending mixed messages to her if you are not completely over the relationship. I also am a 40 year old mom and I adore my son! Feel free contacting me anytime. Maybe it would be good for both of us!

You should not lie to her. You are not "protecting" her by lying about the facts. No, it will not be easy. But those are the facts of her life. Even if you found somebody '"worthy" of calling a dad' the fact is that THAT man IS her father. There is no need to predict her future and tell her he will let her down; or soften things by saying "he lives far away" when it isn't true.

You should keep whatever you tell her very simple. When she is older and ready for more information, she will ask. You could say, "not all families are exactly the same, with the dad living with the mom and kids. With us, your dad lives ___ and we live __." Then let it go until she is ready for more info later. At her age, a simple, "that's just the way things are" is plenty of information for the "why?" that she will inevitably ask. At her age "why" isn't a request to know why you and he didn't make it as a couple... it's just a standard question to ask at the end of every other question... don't confuse it for something more right now.

Yes it will be difficult for you to answer some of the questions you are now faced with. But you can't lie about anything to try to make it easier on yourself. That is just not fair or right. The fact is, that man is her father. He may not "qualify" to be a "Daddy" but he IS her FATHER. That is something you can't ignore.

On another note, if he isn't paying support, take him to court. The Dept of Revenue, Child Support Enforcement Division can help you with that for a small fee (like about $10 or so I think.. at least that USED to be what it was).

my son is calling everyone daddy right now too. His dad visits him sometimes. It hurts me some but I know this is what is best for us right now. He is 23 months old. I just tell him the name of the person he is calling and then I have pictures of his dad and sometimes we see him around so I say there is your dad. I understand how you feel. I try also to not say negative things and then I will just let them have what ever relationship the dad wants. Probably not much of one in my opinion. I am joining you in the dad- less boat lol. 30yo with one child.

Hi Karine. Welcome to the club. You are not alone. I have an 11 yr old daugther, I'm 48 and a single mom also. My daughter's dad and I were never together. When she was a baby he use to see her like three of four times a year. He would come to visit our house and say he wanted to have a relationship with her and started the relationship and dissapeared.He has been doing so since. The last time my daughter saw her dad was in May 2008. Now that she is bigger it is much easier for me to help her cop with the situation. I have gone to psycologist and psychiatrist for advice. Which I recommend you do the same. Also you can start by explaining to your daughter that she indeed has a dad, but he does not live with you. You can tell her that everyone has a dad but not all relate. It will not be easy, but not impossible. There were times when I cried with my daughter when she wanted her dad. But as time passes by, she has noticed that I am always there for her. On good and bad times. I always assist to her school activities, church activities and she takes ballet and jazz classes and I assist to her recitals. I work full time and I am also a full time mother. i wish you the very best with your daughter. My daughter has turn to be such a beautiful and mature teen. Your's will also.

Although I am sorry to say I don't have an answer, I have a parenting coach (child psychologist) that I see a couple times a month for answers and I will talk to her. She is GREAT with resources and guidance. I just wanted you to know that there is a mom out there thinking of you and wishing you the best in one of the biggest decisions you will make in your daughter's life.

You have made me stop today, count my blessings as I have a father and mother married 62 years and a 3 year old daughter who has a great daddy. I will do my best to find a bit of good advice. I am sure there will be loads of moms with good advice in this area.

Best of luck and God Speed.

From a caring mom,

H. Ulrich

Good morning Karine,

I read your request and i completely understand what you are going through. I unfortunately do not understand you as the mother's point of view but i can tell you that i know exactly what your daughter is going through. My biological father was never around. To be honest with you, i didn't even know who my biological father was. My mother led me to believe up until i was 8 years old that my brother's father was my father, too. For one reason or another, my biological father appeared in the picture when I was 8 years old. He contacted my mother (through my great grandmother) and she had no other choice but to sit me down and tell me the whole truth. I am going to tell you this because i honestly feel that you need to be honest with your daughter no matter how old or young she may be. The lie hurt me much more than the truth. The secret is what tore me up completely. I was very smart for being 8 years old. Never underestimate the intelligence of your daughter. She will love you no matter what. Just to tell you, my mother is and has always been my best friend. I never blamed her for my all the things my father never did for me. This was pretty much the sequence of my dad being in my life... At 8 years old i spent 1 weekend with him. I saw him twice. I didn't hear from him until I was about 11 or 12. I saw him then about 3 or 4 times. Then i saw him again at 16. By then he had been run over by a truck so i was working part-time and i took care of him for a weekend. With the little bit of money i had at the time i stocked his fridge with groceries and made dinner for him. I never heard a thank you. I didn't see him until i was about 17 or 18 and introduced him to my now husband. After all the heartache i underwent i no longer wish to hear from him. I made all the effort to have him in my life and because he is and will always be a dead-beat dad i simply gave up. I am now 22 years old and happily married. I didn't consult with my husband but did this anyways. I know his birthday is in March so i went and bought a birthday card and wrote him a letter. I told him about all the great things in my life. How i got married, graduated from the University of Miami and all other happy things in my life. Sweetheart, it is now November and i have not heard from him once! This is the closure that i truly needed to forget about my dead-beat father and move on with my new and happy life. Please do not make the same mistake my mother made with me. I understand that you want to protect your daughter but you won't be protecting her with a lie. Be honest with her from now and i bet she will eventually realize when she gets older that she does not need a dead-beat dad in her life. You are all she really needs. Don't feel bad for being a single mother. You are her mother, her real father and her best friend. I learned to accept that from the very beginning. Her real father will be missing out on your little angel's life but its his loss not yours. Stay positive and be honest. The truth may hurt but it won't sting like a lie. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and truly hope that everything works out for the best for you. You sound like a wonderful mother. Keep up the great work. I'm sure your daughter will feel like one luck little lady.

Lots of love,
J. S.

I'm not in this situation and never have been but I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy. Whether it be for adoption or losing someone if you just say it how it is they don't ask as many questions and you don't have to keep your story straight. It may come up later but if you are honest all along there isn't the bitterness that lying can cause. I have a 2year old and I would explain it that your father is far away and not that involved because he hasn't learned how to be a Daddy yet. When he learns how he may come around more, but he may not learn, we will have to wait and see. Until then, you have a mommy, a grandma and many people who love you very much. I would ask how it makes her feel and if she thinks she is missing something without a dad and try to soothe her fears. I might also do pictures and show her when he was around or show pictures of the two of you and how you guys haven't lost anything by not having a dad. Good luck and just know that love will get you through it and she is most likely just curious about family structure and male vs. female differences.

Tell the truth and let her deal with the fact that there are people that will let you down in life. It will only allow her to learn how to deal with people in life a little better.

every decision you make will have to be your own. that being said, my sisters daughter (now 15) NEVER saw her father. he knew who she was and where she lived, but never came by. she was in the NICU for 2 wks after she was born and he never showed up or called to give family history that might have been benificial. when she asked where her father was, we never lied. we told her the city where he lived and that he had a family (he got married after she was born). she knows the situation behind everything. we were always very open with her, and she feels as if it's his loss. she did have male figures in her life (her grandfather, a few uncles, etc.) at the age of 2 everyone who is male is a daddy. if your daughter says there's a daddy. just say, it could be. my 3yo son still says there's a daddy. my SIL has a 6yo who's father was there for the first few months and then left. they have no idea where he's at. my SIL did remarry when her daughter was 3.5yo, and the guy she married is awesome. he treats her daughter just like she is his. and she thinks that he IS her real father. she doesn't remember her real one. and my SIL is leaving it at that. and that's her decision, but what will happen if her real father comes around (like he said he would do with his eldest daughter in same situation) and she has no idea who he is? and there is a court order for visitation so she would have to go with him? in my opinion, and it's only that, right now if she asks where her father is name the town where he lives. if as she gets older she asks why he doesn't come around, tell her the truth in that he was ready to have a family. adjust the truth to what she will understand for her age. but you know what, i had a verbally abusive, alcoholic father that i WISHED wasn't there. and GOd does things for a reason. maybe it's for the best he isn't there. and if you love her they way she needs to be loved what really is she missing??

I'm in a similar situation... my daughter is 2 1/2, fortunately for me she and her her father have never met so she doesn't ask where he is and she has her grampa. We are close w/ his family and they definetely like me more than him at this point (he has issues to say the least lol). I still love him to a degree and would never say anything bad about him to her. I agree that I'd love to find another guy that would be a good father for her but thatls easier said than done. I could never lie so I'd tell the truth just an abridged version and making sure to mention that he loves her. We should all do a single mom playgroup support group

My niece has never met her father. My sister and he were divorced before she was a year old. He also never made a child support payment, even though it was only $25 a month. She has never asked about her father or any of his side of the family. He did not try to see her after the divorce. She has had my father and my brothers to act as Dad to her, until my sister remarried when she was 10 to a wonderful man she calls "Dad". She is, without a doubt, the nicest girl ever, caring and genuinely warm and loving - this has not affected her negatively at all. She is currently in her 3rd year of College, will get her Bachelors next year, then is planning to go on for her Masters. My reason for telling you all this is to let you know others are in the same situation as you (though I am sure it feels like you are all alone in this). There is no reason this will have to negatively affect your daughter. Try not to worry - even though I know that is easier said than done! God Bless you and your family.

DON'T LIE!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever you do, don't lie. Don't make up stories that aren't true, she will find out later and hate you for it, not to mention never trust you again.

If you handle it very matter of fact, she will be fine, in fact she will handle it better than you are at the moment. People don't miss what they don't have.

After divorcing while my oldest three(now grown)children were young, their father became a dead beat dad, moved across country, worked under false names, etc... to avoid child support. He would call the kids once or twice a year, make promises he never kept, tell lies, etc... Yes, it ripped my heart out. They got sad once in awhile, but for the most part they didn't even think about it.

I was always honest and told them their father and I could never get along again, but he was their father and if they could have a relationship with him they should.

Two of the three still don't speak to him. When we all moved across country, and they were young adults, I hunted him up for them. I took two of them to visit a few times. (One of them had no interest in ever seeing him again) Of those two one never saw or spoke to him again, and the other speaks to him once or twice a year. They don't hate him, but he is a stranger to them and they don't go out of their way for him. As they became adults and two of them parents, they understood the whole situation.

Keep it simple, some kids have daddys around and some kids don't. She has a mommy who loves her very much. She will be fine.

I am a single mom by choice and read some really good books that deal with why a woman would be single (death, divorce, dead-beats or donors)... and it had lots of great advice about how to answer those questions... has worked very well for me so far.

Two titles I've read cover to cover and gone back to over and over are:
1. The Complete Single Mother: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Concerns by Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness.
2. The Single Mother's Book: A Practical Guide to Managing Your Children, Career, Home, Finances, and Everything Else by Joan Anderson.

Good luck!
K.

One of the best things my mom did for me was to tell me that my father was not ready to be a daddy yet because he still needed to finish growing up. She never talked in a negative way about him, and it made it possible for me to establish an adult relationship with him many years later. He will never be my dad (that title is reserved for the wonderful man who helped to raise and eventually adopt me), but he can be a part of my life. Even if you never find a person to fill that daddy role, your love and honesty will be just what your daughter needs.

i empathize for the hard situation that you and your daughter are in. my advice is this, be really careful what you say about him, one day he might be able to earn "daddy" something that your daughter obviously wants. it will be a hard and probably long road for him, but if he gets there, don't let that future relationship be tainted by calling him a dead beat, or saying that if your father was here this might be better. not only will it hurt him, but it will be so much harder for your daughter too. i know it will be hard,my situation is different, and i have a hard time not talking back about daddy when i'm emotional, but think of it as pouring poison into her ears, it will affect all her relationships with men.

My son has a dead beat who has been in and out of his life for the last 3 years. I have been remarried for the last 3 so now he does have a real dad but that still doesn't leave him wondering. When he was little I'd usually use the "he's working".....and then it would end at that. He'd go through cycles where he'd ask and then when he wouldn't. I figured when he was old enough - he'd figure it out for himself what kind of person his dad was. His dad hasn't been around now for a few months and my son hasn't even asked. I think she will forget and it's stage right now. I'd make sure your time together is busy and always keep her looking forward to spending special time with you. YOU ALSO BE CAREFUL because some men only prey on women with children for that fact. Be choosy and choose wise. Meet lots of his friends before she is even introduced. Make sure it's stable and a long term thing before she is involved. She will have a good daddy again.....and mommy too. Good luck!

Oh my heart breaks for you and your precious little one! The only thing I am confident of is that as much as my heart breaks, Father God's does infinitely more.

I have worked with children for over twenty years as a teacher and a minister and many, many, many of those children have dead beat dads or no dads. I have shared in your dilemma from a professional standpoint and from a heart that cares. I do not walk in your shoes but have tried to figure out what is best to say to the many children, some who are now adults, entrusted to my care over the years.

After much study on the issue, much prayer and experience, I have found that, regardless of the circumstance, there is one fact that will always comfort and always "hit home" with anyone who believes there is a God. That fact is that Father God cares about and loves that child whether or not their earthly Father does (or knows how to show it anyway). People fail. Boy oh boy do we fail...but God does not!

How do we know God cares so much? The proof is in His Word. God is very concerned for the fatherless. In fact, there are at least 41 scriptures that mention them. One familiar one says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling".

This may not always seem tangible but if your little girl can believe in Father God, it is better than having no father to believe in at all!

She can trust Him. He created her and loves her dearly!

You can trust Him too. Ask him to give you wisdom and strength. Trust your life to Him if you have not already. HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!!!!!

Karine you sound like a wonderful mom who so loves her child. Congratulations on loving your daughter so much. I first would say I agree that he has not earned the title of daddy by showing up every so often. But I have to say you are allowing him to be a dead beat dad if you are allowing him to see his daughter without keeping his end of the deal and paying child support. You might not need the money now, but this money could be saved for school. If she is at two asking about her dad it will not be long before she asks you if the man she sees in the park is her dad. You should be ready and talk to her with what you feel is the right response before you all are together again. Do what you feel is best for you and your daughter. Enjoy her!