Telling My Five Year Old About Her Biological Father

Maybe you can tell her that her Daddy wants to legally adopt her and you are going to have a party to celebrate. Let her ask questions from that point on. Children seem remarkably resilient and accepting of people who love them. Then maybe you can explain that another man was lucky enough to be her biological father, but Daddy is the luckiest of all because he gets to be her Daddy. Don't have to go into all the whys and wherefores. Just always emphasize the love that is present in the now.

My mother left my father when I was less than a year old. She remarried soon after and so, I was adopted by him. I've never met bio-dad...only heard negative things about him all my life. Adopto-dad has been the only father I've ever known. I wish I could tell you how my mother told me but I can't remember. It seems I always knew I had a bio-dad but I just didn't care. I had my daddy and I was fine.
The only advice I can offer is not to make a big deal out of it. If it comes up tell her as if you were just telling her the sun is shining. It's just a part of life. Children take their lead from their parents. If she feels you are uncomfortable, she will be too.

Hi S., It's been a while since I studied peds, but as I recall, 7 years old is the age of reason. In other words, her brain is not yet able to comprehend what you want to tell her. Some time after 7, you can get a book for her age level, about how babies are born. You can then give her a simple one liner about her biological dad. If she wants to know more, she will ask. D. G

I am an adopted child (with different circumstances). I grew up always knowing that I was adopted. My parents always stressed how much they 'wanted me" and it's always made me feel very lucky and very special. I believe that the truth is always what's real and what we should share it. Let your daughter know that she's special because she has two daddies...one that takes care of her and loves her and one that helped her to come into the world. As she grows you can share more details as appropriate but I wouldn't wait any longer to share this truth with her. I would use books to help you along the way...I'm sure your local librarian or bookstore folks could point you in the right direction of some great kids books that deal with adoption themes. Ultimately you will make the right decision for you and your family...these are just my thoughts....

this story hit home for me. im 24 and was raised from the time i was one with a step father, never knowing my biological father. i'm not sure that this will work for you, but my mother did a great job in letting me know i had a father and a daddy. from the time i was young my mother and i would randomly browse through photo albums. as all kids like to do, we would name people and she never hid the pictures of my father from me. now that im older, i know the pictures where only in that photo album for me, not because she wanted them there. i didn't get it when i was younger, but as soon as i put two and two together (almost like a light bulb going off), i realized i have a different biological father and then began to ask questions.i think this was good for me, because when i put it together, i think i was then mature enough to understand what she was about to explain to me.my mom then explained the situation to me, and in more detail as i got older. i never felt like anything was kept from me, because he was always there in a since. anyway, i wish you and your daughter tons of luck with whatever you choose to do. i know how complicated and difficult this is.all you can do, is the best you know how. i think in time she will appreciate that.

Please, please don't mess up what you have already. It sounds like you have to perfect situation in that your husband has already adopted your daughter and the biological father has given up his rights.......what is the problem? Leave it alone and don't make a mess of your already wonderful life. Do you know how many other women would love to be in your shoes?......it just irks me that women like you who are so blessed still want something else.........What do you hope to gain by telliing her?Why upset your daughter, husband and other child? That is insane!! I don't hear you saying that the biological father is knocking your door down to see your daughter. Get over it and count you blessings!!

Hi S.,
Here's a thought. If you have a picture of her biological father, put it in to a photo album with a bunch of other family pictures. Then, when the opportunity presents itself, go through the picture album telling her about everyone in there. She may not understand a lot of things, but you can always go back to the old stand by. Any male can be a father, it takes a true man to be a Daddy. Your current husband is her Daddy, and the one who loves her as his own. You won't be hiding it and it may end up being more special this way. After all, most of the time you're just stuck with family. He CHOSE her as his daughter, just as he CHOSE you as his wife.
Blessed Be

Personally I wouldn't rock your daughters world right now. She is safe and secure knowing that your husband loves her and takes care of her and is her "Daddy". You could cause her more harm than good. She's too young to understand right now and if her biological father doen't want to see her and she wants to see him, that could hurt her even more. Just let things be for now and when she gets older like close to a teenager then reconsider but I wouldn't tell her unless she asked. I hope that helps.

S.,

I am an adoptive mom. When my son asked me questions about his birth/adoption, I answered everything with great honesty considering the age. Since your first husband never really fathered your daughter, except genetically, (never was there for her)I would not say anything to her until she asks. When she is ready for the advice, she will ask. My son is now 16; he knows everything that I know about his birth parents.

S.
I have went through this already and i know how you feel. but a 5 year old wont understand and you really need to wait until she is 12 or 13. she wont mad really, but she will be curious about her biological father but she will know who her daddy is!!! She will probably act out on your husband and you will most likely here your not my dad but you need to tell her the truth about what happened between you and her father without laying blame on either one of you but let her know he chose not to be part of your life, and your real father is the one that loves you and has raised you. My son understands what i have told him and he wants to meet his biological dad, but he wants to wait a little more to see if he changes his mind. He asks me questions from time to time and that is ok, i tell him the truth!! He has asked me to contact him to see if he would be willing to meet him and i told him i would when he was ready, but that the decision wasnt mine to make it was his "dads" on wether that would happen or not.

She is definitely not ready for that conversation. Give her a few years and she'll ask on her own... Or she won't. Does it matter? Yes, it would be best to tell her before someone else does, but wait until she is old enough to comprehend that your husband is her Dad and that she just happens to come from someone else's DNA, but it doesn't mean her Dad, your husband, loves her any less than your son.

I know she is young, but she will understand more than you think. I would suggest telling her some now. I had a very close friend growing up & her mom did not tell her until she was 14 that she had a different dad. It was devastating. I think the sooner you tell her the easier she will take it. Be prepared for lots of questions though. It might help if you have any pictures to show her. If not, just tell her as simply as possible. If she gets too upset about it or you don't want to handle this delicate situation on your own, do not hesitate to ask for professional help. Child psychologists are used to dealing with these issues. Your insurance may even cover it. I hope this helps.

Hi S.. I know the of the situation you are in. I have a friend who has raised her oldest son who is now going on 13 since he ws 2. He knows that she is not his biological mother and doesn't care. His birth mother abandoned him when he was a year and a half, and his faternal grandparents had him until my friend and her husband could get him. (The bio. mom lived in Florida and my friend and hubby lived in Cali.) Any ways He says "my birth mom didn't want me but God made sure I got a better mom. She loves me more than I could aske for and in my eyes she is the only mom I'll ever need."

Hey S...it's T..
I just had to add my bit of info to this. You know my mom is an adoptive parent and has 5 kids....the older three have known about there birth parents since they were three. The younger two will know around then too. Children have an amazing coping ability. My mom always told them that there birth parents weren't able to take care of them because they weren't ready so god gave them to my mom and step-dad. NONE of her kids have issues with that information. It was never made a big deal and they have accepted that that is the way things were meant to be. One of them even knows she was adopted but still thinks that my mom had her....just in her heart. Obviously you should definitely talk to your hubby and figure out together when the best time and way would be to tell her....but don't wait. She will understand and if this is something you want her to know then now is a good time. Don't go into great detail about how the split happened, but matter of fact tell her the basics. She will be fine, and as long as you don't make it out to be a big deal, she wont either.
Good luck
Talk later
T.

Hi S.,

I had the same situation with my daughter who is now 13. My advice to you would be honesty as soon as she is able to understand anything. I told my daughter when she was about 5 years old. I was married to her stepdad who she thought was her father. But, when she was five years old, I sat her down, showed her pictures, and explained that her father that helped me make her was the man in the picture. I explained that her daddy in the house was her daddy who loved her, read her books at night, bought her special gifts, gave her piggy backs and more. I told her that her other father was not around and I did not know where he was, I'm sure he loved her, but he did not want to be with us. I told her that it was okay because Mommy would always be with her and her daddy loved her to absolute death. He called her his "Big Time". I answered her questions and made sure she knew that she had two fathers, but one daddy who loved her and would always love her and one very important Mommy who would Always be there no matter what her daddy's did!

Today, I am re-married a second time. Her stepdaddy and I divorced a few years after that talk. But, Mommy was still there. She is now 13 years old and loves my husband and he loves her. We still talk about my first husband, the only man she ever knew to be daddy. We remember great times and she tells me how much she misses him at times, but that she loves Matt, my husband. She tells me how much she appreciated the fact that I always told her the truth to help her understand. One day she wants to look up her biological father and I totally support her and will help her when the time comes. I've kept pictures of him and him with me for her to look at from time to time.

Hope that helped a little.

A.

I have friends whom have been the child in similar situations, and the older they were when they were told, the harder it was for them to take. I would suggest by starting out using simple explanations to your child, maybe even see a counselor and have it done there. The child isn't going to fully understand but I've seen if they know when they are younger and grow up knowing, it's not a big deal to them as opposed to having it sprung on them at age 16 or something like that.

R.

Hi S.,
I had a friend who went through pretty much the same thing..I can tell you that telling a child at her age is way too soon. Wait unitl at least 10 or 12 before telling her. She has a wonderful daddy and I dont think it will turn out too well if you tell her at such a young age. My friend waited and she also spoke to a counselor about it before she did and they said that a child any younger than 10 or 12 doesnt understand that her real father left because of Adult issues. She will find some way to blame herself. When she is older you can explain to her why you waited to tell her because it was an adult issue and she did not need to know until she was old enough to understand that it was not her fault.
I know this is a very hard thing to go through. I wish you the best of luck with this.
Take care,
J.

dont show that you r worried instead act happy because when a mom shows she is sad the kids get a bit depressed too...im actually an 11 year old girl and trust me!!! i wouldnt want my mom to tell me something like that after such along time of keeping it a secret. as a kid I advice u 2 tell her a little bit later because she is too young to understand fully the situation i would wait till she is around 6 or 7 to tell her something like this but also it is a good idea to start telling her a few things slowy and slowly so she gets used to the idea instead of just spilling it all out on one random day of her life

S.,
What you are wanting to do is great, by telling your daughter. It is hard to know when to tell a child. I am almost 50 and adoted. I don't remember how my parents told me, but I have always known as long as I can remember. My thing is don't let your little hear you or someone else talking about it before you tell her. It comes better if you are just honest. Good luck and blessings to you and your family.
P.

S.,
I am 36 years old that also came from a divorced mom and dad. My parents divorced when I was 8 and at that time my dad chose not to have anything to do with me. My father has since remarried and has a daughter that is 20 and could be my twin However I know that there is an age difference I really wish at times that I did not know who my dad was, my step-father took the daddy role in my life as well as my grandfather. I have always begged for my dads love and actually saw him about 2 weeks ago after not speaking with him for over 2 years. Did it hurt...yeah just as bad as it did he walked out of my life. He treats me more like a person he sees on the street than my dad. He has never been mean or ugly to me just cold.He has always, always blammed my mom. Did mom walk out on me...NO he did so he has no one to blame but himself. I have a 13 year old son and a 10 year old son that he has only seen once. I have often said that "Any man can father a child but it takes a special man to be a daddy" I am sure when she is older if her dad is like mine and it sounds like he is she will know that if you do choose not to tell her that you only had her best interest at heart. Good luck with whatever decision you make

I recently had this discussion with my 5 year old son. Although I knew it was something I would have to discuss with him eventually, I did not want to do it at age 5. However, my son came home from school with questions one day. Apparently the theme of the week was "family" and he started wondernig why his last name was different from mine and his sister. I sat him down and very delicately explained to him that his father and I seperated when he was just a baby and when I met my now ex-husband he fell in love with him too and decided to raise him as his own. Like your situation, my son's biological father wants nothing to do with him. He does not pay his child support obligations nor does he call or even see him on his designated weekends. My son has not seen him biological father in several years. I think that children are smarter than we give them credit for. My son still has some questions from time to time but he is over all satisfied with the answers I have given him. It helps that my ex-husband gets my son on the weekends when he has visitaion with our daughter. He is still his dad even though we are divorced. Explain to your daughter that your husband is not her biological father but he is her dad...he loves her as much as he loves your son. Your daughter will continue to have questions, most likely all of her life, but you can explain things in more detail as she gets older, for now keep it simple. I hope this helps a little.

I've been in a similar situation. The father of my 7 year old was out of the picture by the time she was 1 and she doesn't remember him. She started asking questions when she was about 3, and I always answered honestly. I told her he couldn't be with us but it was ok because she had lots of other people in her life to love and support her. She's never really questioned it or shown any distress. Kids at school ask her where her father is, and she just tells them that he's not a part of her life. It doesn't bother her at all. I think as long as your child is loved and knows how special she is it's not going to hurt her. She may feel hurt if you hide the truth from her, tho.

I know you have already gotten 70 messages about this but i just had to put my 2 cents in. I just weent through this with my daughter and i found a picture of him. she was asking about god at that point and how she got her. i told her i berry (her father) and god made her. she asked who berry was and i showed the picture. i told her dustin didnt make her but is her daddy and she knows that we live with him and hes been around forever it seems like lol. your child has the right to know. as for the people who say dont tell her or wait until shes 10 NO NO NO. I had a friend whos family did that and the boy is not to happy with his family for hiding it all these years. they waited til he was old enough to understand. WHATEVER. I was adopted and i was told even as an infant and im glad i was told. how horrible to go your whole childhood and think your family is your biological family just to find out as a teen that they lied to you! kids 10 and up have enough to deal with, puberty boyfriends girlfriends please dont throw this in the mix! with that said good luck lol

My ex-husband had the same situation as your daughter. His mother had hid it from him. Be sure to be honest with her. If she has any questions about her biological tell her. At her age now I don't think she would understand, but when she does understand sit down and have a talk with her. The main thing is to just be open and honest.

I had a friend who adopted 2 kids and they celebrate the their adoption day, kind of like it was a birthday. It made the kids feel special. Maybe you with the new baby you all could celebrate a "family day" on the day of her adoption, I think keeping it a positive event would help matters. Children need to know that they are blessed and loved. She may ask questions later and just take them as they come. Best wishes to your new family!

I was in the same sitution my husband and I told her about a year ago just enough so she knew that my husband loved her and really wanted her to be a part of his life. We asked her if she had any questions then and she had none. I was afraid that someone would say something and she would be upset because she was never told. We did have a couple of his aunts that had said something about being adopted.
good luck

I definitely think she is too young to try to explain this to her now. Actually, in this situation, the only reason she even needs to know is for her genetic health history, and as long as she is a dependent of yours, you don't need to worry about that. I would try to wait to explain this to her until she is old enough and mature enough to understand that regardless of anything that happened in the past, what is important is that she has a mother and a father who love her dearly. No need to try to tell her something that will probably only confuse her and possibly hurt her at this time.

At this point, it would only confuse and hurt her to know.

When she's older, perhaps in her teens, then you could discuss it if you really feel it's necessary.

I personally wouldn't tell unless directly asked - even though she never knew him, finding out that her biological father willingly gave up his rights will hurt her - it's a rejection of sorts. It doesn't seem as if there is anything to be gained or any benefit to her by telling her.

She knows your husband as her daddy and loves him - it could drive a wedge between them since she may feel weird about continuing to call your husband daddy.

What does it matter where her genes come from - as long as she has two parents who love her? I think it's something that's best left until she is a teenerage or young adult... she's far too young to have to deal with something like that now.

just my two cents...

IMHO, she is too young to understand this at this point. If he's legally adopting her, wouldn't her last name change or have you always used his last name for her? If it changes, that would be a good time to discuss it with her perhaps. I just think she's awfully young to understand 'a different daddy'.

If you have some sort of counseling available to you through a local church perhaps you can talk to them about it or even her pediatrician depending on your relationship with her doctor. But I would guard how I presented her birth dad. She doesn't need to feel he didn't want her, she may come to discover that when she's older but that's a big load to carry for a small child. When she's older you can sit her down and talk to her because her birth dad may have a change of heart & at least want to be acknowledged. Am I rambling?

Bottom line...I think she's too young to process this information at this time. Later, yes, but not now. You are blessed to have such a wonderful man in your life...he's the real daddy here.

That's a tricky question. I was raised/adopted by my grandparents when I was 3 days old. I was always told and had lots of interaction with my biological mom. She's always been a big part of my life. Never with my biological dad. I've never met him or any of his family. I've never wanted to. I always felt loved by my grandparents. I've always thought of them as my parents. I never felt as if I was missing out on anything. It sounds like your daughter is getting all the love and attention she'll ever need or want. I don't know how to answer your question. But it sounds like she's got lots of support no matter what you decide to do.

that is tough. But obviously since he gave up his rights and wants nothing to do with her, then he has said his peace, and doesn't want her coming to find him down the road either. I know it's hard to accept that the father of your child would not want to be part of her life, but how much more hurtful would it be for her to find out? SHE is the one rejected by him, not you. I think it's great your husband adopted her and you are a happy family! Hopefully the need for her to know will never come up, like a medical emergency or something. I don't think any good will coem from telling her since he doens't want to know her. As far as she knows she has a happy family! I have a few friends in similar situations. frind A-the situation is just like yours. She remarried, had antoher baby,a nd he adopted her son. one happy family! I'm not sure if the boy knows since he is only 5 as well. MY other firnd her son is 7, and while the DAD hasn't been around all this time, he now wants to meet him and be part of his life. For the last 5 years this little boy thought that her husband was his real dad. He took the news well and accepted the "new dad", but still hasn't met him. So it's really what you think is best. TElling her son was best for friend B, but it has also caused some more stress in the house, as far as dealing with who has rights to what since the other guys is still the father...Lucky for you, the line is clear..he has no rights, doens't want them. What does your now husband say about it? would he be hurt if your daughter knew he wasn't her "Real" daddy? i know my friends husband is still dealing with those feelings.

Though you've many who've shared allow me to do the same. This is a taboo subject in my family. So I'd like to vent. In second grade my teacher asked me what's your dad's name? I said, Bruce. No she said it's Ronnie. That is how I found out. Then I had to deal with that plus my mom's anger that teacher had told me. She didn't have a right to tell me but I have alway resented how it came out. That did seem to be about the right age. She married again and I've had a fabulous "step dad" who adopted me.
Now Bruce has been involved somewhat with my son. We live in different states. I've never told him that Ken, step dad is not my dad. My son 8 is asking questions. Mom doesn't want him to know. I respect that yet that bridge must be crossed I'd like her involved but don't think that will happen. My husband told son that Bruce is his grandpa. I was furious as mom was. Lying I said he's just a friend. Yet he is not my dad so was it a lie? It's our skeleton and my husband has no right to say a word. I too don't know when to tell him but he does seem old enough and curious. I just don't want to rock my mothers world or hurt my step dad.
She always told me to be honest if I were having sex. Like lying was worse than having it or getting pregnant yet she wasn't with me on this very subject. I don't know when she would have done it. But she's unwilling to do so now with my son so... It makes me sick that I lied to him yet he isn't my dad so was it a lie?
Do tell her but at this age 8ish. She deserves the truth even if it age appropriate. Then let her talk freely. I never had this, even till this day. Though my bio dad did try to reach out several times during high school. Mom discourage it totally. I feel I can't reach out to him till she and step dad die. Though I'm not too inclined to do so. Sorry to ramble. Let her vent , I've so enjoyed it now. Shelly

coming from someone who knows talk about it somtimes not alot but let her know what is going on so she isnt surprized later on

I would tell her when the paperwork was done and she became officially his. Even if she doesn't understand it now, she will when she is older and it will make sense. Maybe even take a picture of her with her Daddy and the judge or with him holding the papers. I wouldn't go about by saying he isn't her Daddy, I would say that he is but just now the rest of the world will know it, too. Because she and her brother are different in that her Daddy didn't come into her life until she was already born, but that he loved her from that first moment and always will. Just anything along those lines. Good luck!

I have been trhu your situation except i was never married the first time. I have a 14 year old son that my husband adopted back in 2003 when he was 9. He had my maiden name and always felt left out because his brother had a difeerent lastname(same as my married name.)His biological father digned over paternity. Once you have adopted a child(stepparent)they destroy the original birth certificate and make a new one and you have to go to Raleigh NC(your state capital) to get it. So whether he is on the original one or not makes no difference because once the adoption is final your husband will be on the birt certificate. My son knows he is adopted and we gave him a choice of his name but yet he does not know my husband isn't his biological Father. We explained the adoption(because iwas not married when he was born)as this was a way to legally and officially for him to be taken care of if anything happened to my hsband. I do not plan on telling my child till it comes up or he is 18 years old. Achild at 5 does not have the mentalility to understand what has happened in their life. Like i said my son is 14 now and has no clue that his daddy is not his biological father. and one day he will but i also have the proof that his biological father didn't want anything to do with him and it wasn't my fault.

it's like talking about sex. When they ask, tell them the truth, but when they are done asking, then you are done talking. Don't burden them with too much information. It may be a good ice breaker to go through some old pictures with her and tell her who the people are, including your old sweetheart. There is no shame or harm in letting her know that you loved someone so much that you had a baby with him. Now she has a father that loves her so much that he wants to take care of her and provide for her forever.
Good luck!

Hi, sweetie. I know all to well about your dilemma. I to have a daughter with a different biological father from my son's . I met my husband when my daughter was 4 months old. She is now 16 and my husband is the only father she has known. We struggled for years about how to tell her . We were both worried about how the news would effect her . One day after her 13 birthday and the time felt right , we felt she was finally old enough to understand . My husband and i both sat her down at the kitchen table , my husband explained how two 16 and 17 year old kids found each other fell in love and how the girl (me) had already had a little girl, and how he actually fell in love with her first and how much the little girl meant to him and myself . It was at the time the appropriate way to tell her , she excepted it very well and it was a huge release . My husband is very supportive and loving . As long as they have that , i believe she will be just fine. When we told my daughter , we continued to monitor her for any kind of emotional distress. I have lots of talks with her about her biological father and half siblings. She now has contact with all of them , and it's her choice . I don't push her to contact them she does it when she wants to . We are so very proud of her and love her with all our hearts . I wish you luck and many blessings . God Bless

Hmm, that's a tough one. But at some point, she's going to notice he's not in any of her baby pictures, or someone is going to say something to her that will give it away. Maybe you can make a big deal about the fact that she's being adopted now and say "_______ wasn't there when you were growing in my tummy, but God (or fate, or whatever you believe) sent him to me to help take care of you, and today is a special day because he is going to make you his forever" or something along those lines. Once you open a small line of communication, in a few years when you tell her the whole truth, she won't be so shocked.

From the perspective of the child (I was adopted):
There was never a time that I didn't know I was adopted. It was spoken about freely in our home and there was never any resentment about it. There was no bad-mouthing about the bio family, which I think is important. Your daughter will never remember her bio father, she will only have one "Daddy". But I believe if you spring the info on her when she is older, she will feel lied to. Imagine being a teenager and finding out the whole family was keeping a secret about you. Give her information, just keep it age-appropriate. Perhaps now you begin with the adoption -- "Now we all get the same name!" Then as she gets older, answer her questions honestly, but with the child in mind. There is really no need to tell a child that her bio parent didn't want her. Maybe you explain how the father was too young and couldn't be the best dad. But now she has a great Daddy. Keep your own personal feelings about the father leaving out of it. Please keep in mind that this feels like a big deal to you (and it is) but to a kid, as long as their parents love them and are honest with them they feel safe.

My advice to you would be to wait. If she is only five she may be too young. You will know when it is the right time. I have the same situation in my family with my Aunt and she still has not told my cousins. they are now in their 20's. I think that she is wrong for not telling them but that is her decision. I know that her fear is that my cousin would want to meet him and the father wants nothing to do with my cousin. She doesn't want him to get hurt. As long as she knows what a father means, biological does not mean they are a father, she will be fine. She already has a wonderful father. You and your husband should decide together when to tell her, but I would not hide it forever. Good luck to you both.

That is a tough question. My situation is not very similar, but may lend some insight. I have a stepson that lives with my husband and I. Every other weekend he would go to his mom's. My husband and I have another son who started to take notice of his brother's absence around age three. We would just tell him his big brother was "going on a visit." That worked to close the topic for a while, but then he began (around age 4 or 5) to notice conversations referring to Eric's mom, like "Eric, your mom called," or "did you leave your coat at your mom's." We then told him that Eric is still his brother, but he did not grow inside of the same mommy. He didn't press the issue and we didn't push anymore explanation. Perhaps he will grow to be more inquisitive about the topic, but for now, he just loves his big brother without question.

That is a heavy topic to dump on a 5 year old. If the subject has never come up then why approach it when she does not understand or have a clue? If your husband is a good father how could you be doing her an injustice? My daughter grew up without her father. She had a stepfather that did not turn out well either at the time because of us being so young. My daughter is now 33 and has discovered her half sister. They are talking now and have exchanged information about themselves and their lives. To hear what she(her half sister) had endured makes me ever so grateful that I NEVER subjected my daughter to the pain that he would have caused her. You can always tell her when she is mature enough to handle it. But 5...let her love her new father and be a happy well adjusted child. You have nothing to feel quilty over.

my daughter is facing the same thing we have not told her 3 year old yet maybe some day we might but no time soon he gave up his right to us that says he dont want her at all from maddog

Hi S.
My name is V., and I am connected to a huge resource for
your question and questions related to yours about adoption, etc. First, let me share a few thoughts that came to me from what you wrote: I hear you saying you now have a loving father for both your children, but how does he feel about the question of telling your daughter what is true. If you have not had that conversation yet, perhaps his perspective will help you know what is best for her, their relationship, and your family right now.
I am thinking that checking this out with people who have been through it before will help you come to a sense of confidence how you would like to handle it. Surely, I would not take any action until you feel an sense of confidence, and shared confidence between yourself and your husband. When or if you tell your little girl, she will be looking to you and your reactions to bumper-board a sense of "OK" in where she goes with it. Also, your sense of security about it will give her much more room to
have her feelings and move through them without feeling like she has to take care of your feelings before she can have her own, no matter what they might be.
So, let me refer you to www.infant-parent.com
This is the website of a wonderful man named Dr. Michael Trout who has specialized in working with adoption dynamics for many years. There is also an Umbrella Organization invested in everything imaginable about babies
called APPPAH - The Association for Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Health at www.birthpsychology.com just FYI
But if you email your specific question to the
Infant-parent Institute, I am thinking it might be helpful.

Blessings,
V. Jeter

My husband has a son from a previous relationship, but him and son's mother were never married, just real real young. She has told his son that my husband is his real father and he has a picture of him. We haven't seen his son since 2001 when he was 7; he is now 14. If you have a picture of your ex, i suggest you have a sit down and talk with her about it. Tell her she has 2 daddies, your ex and your husband. Tell her that her other daddy had to move away and hopefully will want to see her one day. I don't think she'll be too worried about her other daddy right now; but it'll make it easier on her in the future when she asks about him. I wouldn't make too big a deal about it right now, she probably won't care. But if you open the door, she may eventually "walk through it" and you can open up about it. If your ex doesn't wanna have anything to do with your daughter, it's best not to say ANYTHING at all; chances are she'll never meet him and will never ever know about him. But if you feel that she should know about him, i'd approach the subject slowly at first and wait for her to ask more about him.

Sara,
I have been very close to the situation you are in and as I told my relative at the time, there is no need to go there unless it specifically comes up. Is the biological father on the birth certificate? If so then it will eventually come up, but not now. She is too young for this information. If you were to try to tell her, she might have any number of reactions as previously listed, but the most important thing is that it may have damage to her in the future.
If she is lucky enough to have her true daddy (that would be you husband now) then let well enough alone until it becomes necessary to do otherwise. If when she is older (teen years or later) you feel that she should know or it somehow becomes a question needing an answer, you will have had plenty of time and it will be easier for both of you.
I hope this helps

S. AKA Shazzizme
FIGHT LYME DISEASE
www.ShazzArtisticVisions.com

Hi S.! I am 44 and was raised in a very similar situation to your family's. I never met my real dad and was raised by the man my mom married when I was 2. My parents didn't talk to me about it...I eventually figured it out on my own. However, it caused a lot of hard feelings and resentment. I was nearly 40 before I found information on my bio father who was already deceased. My advice is to be as open as you can based on her maturity level. Obviously, it is a difficult concept for a young child but it should be discussed openly to avoid the idea of "hiding". It will help her trust you in the long run....
Best wishes!
J.

here are some ideas that a friend of mine in a similar situation tried: she made a photo album of her child's life from pregnancy through current age. the pregnancy pics showed her first husband. she would show her daughter the album, referring to him by his first name, and talking about how her daughter was growing in her belly at the time. all sort of matter of fact. the album included pictures of when her second husband became involved. when her daughter was a little older, they had conversations about different types of families, what it means to be a mommy and a daddy (not just biological, but caring for and raising children), etc. she never had to say straight out - this is your biological father - but over time it felt like she had been honest and open and respectful of the situation. hope this helps.

Hi S.,

My boss(who is also a very dear friend) experienced a similar situation. She had a child with her first husband who turned out to be involved in some type of illegal activity, so when she found this out she quickly divorced him. About a year later she met her current husband, and he adopted her son when he was about 1 year old. Austin is now 11 years old and she just broke the news to him a few months ago! My boss's very best friend is a therapist and she frequently talked with her about the situation and was not sure when to break the news to her son. I think 5 years old is too young, and she probably won't completely understand so I would think that waiting till she is older would be best. (The therapist agreed that was best too!) There is no perfect time to tell, and I don't think you should plan a date for it or anything like that...only you know when the time is right. The situation will come though, and just be honest and let her know that you did what was best for her, etc. Hope that helps; take care!!
Alex

S.,
I know how I felt when my mother told me about my biological father. I was 19 and pregnant with my only child.

Yes, I felt resentment and didnt like mother very much at the time.

My circumstances is a little different. I think I would start telling her now. If she has questions honestly answer them. Keep telling her until she does understand. Children remember more things than parents think they do.

Is she changing her last name once she is adopted by your husband? If not she may wonder why her brother has a differnet last name than her and vice versa when your son gets older.

Best of luck to you and her when you do decide to tell her.

I am in the almost exact same situation. Let me know what others say. I have no idea how to bring it up.

Thanks,
JZ

S., I think considering the circumstances, I would at least wait to tell her. I also have a 5 yr old DD and they don't understand logic much at this age. I tell my DD that there are some things that she will better understand when she is older and I leave it at that.

I also wanted to share that my Mom had me and she and my dad never married, she got Pg with my sister and then married, and he adopted me to give me his last name. I didn't find out about this until I was 11 yrs old. That was hard as here I was a pre-teen trying to find out about myself and everything seemed like a lie and a big blur.

If I may suggest maybe waiting a few years maybe when she is 8-9 but don't wait till she is 10-11 yrs old or older, plus you might be dealing with hormones about that time too.

I must share too something that you may not have considered, when I found out that I had a different dad than my sister and the one who I grew up knowing as daddy... there became a sort of distance and he now knew I knew... I often felt like an outsider.. then when I met my bio-dad... he was happy to meet me but never really wanted a relationship with me... and never has really made an effort to get to know me... or have a relationship with me. As old as I am and I am older... LOL
I tried last year when my mom died, I sought him out, and all and I have been the only one to do the calling, and writing cards or whatever... so PLEASE think about the possible of the long lasting rejection she may feel or get from her bio-dad.
It is only natural at some point to want to find that part of you, that is why so many adoptive children go and look for their birth parents... some often get rejected just the same and it can be tragic and heartbreaking.

When I tried to connect to my bio-dad (the dad who raised me past away in the early 80's) I just wanted some comfort since I just lost my mom... I left empty and still missing something I never had anyway at least from him.

It isn't about keeping a secret, I also would like to add that maybe as your DD gets older you can mention that you were married before and that will at least open the doors for more conversation. (I was married before and have a 19 yr old son, and I remarried & my DD is only 5, she knows I was married before to my DS father)

I know I made a long post but I wanted to share this with you and if there is no hurry to say anything then wait, or write her a letter and you can read it to her or she can read it when she is a bit older. Tell her what happened in the letter, and how when you met your new DH how much he loved the both of you etc... That will help so much when and if you decide to share that with her.

I know you will do whatever is best for your family.

S. - It is never easy to relay such news. I have a similar story. I did not relay the news to my daughter until she was about 6 or 7. I am not saying this is the right time - I do not know if there is a perfect time to tell such news. At that time she was able to understand much of the news. Not until she was a teenager did I tell her the rest of the horrifying story. When I did - I never made him out to be the bad guy. They learn that soon enough on their own. The good news is, you have more than I did - you have a replacement. Another wonderful man that loves her and is providing for her the way it is intended. That, to me will ease much of the hurt and pain.

I hope this helps.

Hey S.,

This is like my life story. My mom got pregnant in high school and they got married when she was 3 months pregnant, but by 7 months he had decided that her best friend was more appealing. He left my mom and the divorce was final shortly after I was born. My biological father never wanted anything to do with me. When I was 9 months old she met my (adopted) dad. They were married when I was 4 and I was in the wedding so I always knew that he wasn't my biological father. They started the adoption process which wasn't complete until I was half way through Kindergarten, but I remember the school would not let me use my "new" last name until first grade beacause I had already learned how to write my old last name.

Anyways, when the adoption was final, my mom got out her wedding pictures from her and my biological father's wedding and showed them to me. She pointed out that I looked like him and has simular traits. But then she explained to me that because I was really special that my (adopted) dad had chosen to love me and be my dad! They made me feel as though it was an honor and that I was a special little girl.

As an adult, I have always felt that anyone can be a dad, but that my (adopted) dad chose to be there for me. And he always has. I have never felt like he was not my "real" dad. In many ways, we get along better than my mom and I do. Mainly b/c her hurt over the past keeps her from getting past it. My (adopted) dad's family in awesome too. I have never been treated differently than any other grandchild. My life truely is better because I was adopted by my dad.

I hope any part of my story helps!

Wow, Amazing at some of the comments here. I tell you what has happened to being honest. Honest relationships will last not deceiving someone. Also I don't see that you want more it is you just have a sincere heart. Your daughter will appreciate you telling her instead of her hearing it from a family member or at school 'by accident.' Often times other people like to throw a bomb and watch it blow up at a child's expense. Believe me someone is sitting back waiting to tell her and rock her world. Why? Because they are jealous and want to see you hurt and don't care if it effects a child emotionally. I would like to commend your desire for honesty S.. I can relate to a blended situation my daughter is 6. You do owe it to your daughter to let her know the truth and just let her know that she is blessed to have 2 fathers and then go into detail of what actually does a daddy do. You will be amazed at the responses, she probably will tell you he does things for her; reads to her, is there when she is sick, etc. Then you can conclude it by saying so see your dad does all those things for you and loves you very much. Also out of sight will be out of mind so she may not even elaborate past the conversation. May do as my daughter did, Can I go play now. I hope the conversation goes well and let me know if you want to talk further.

S.,

I would definitely pray hard about this and seek God's wisdom. This is such a delicate issue. I have a 22 yo son whom I gave up for adoption. I am now married with two girls. I told them pretty early but have some regrets about the journey afterwards. Ask God for wisom because the Bible says that if anyone lacks wisdom, to ask, and He would freely give it. This is a very difficult situation and I know this is stressful for you. Be assured that God's timing is perfect. He is never late, but always right on time.
I will be praying for you and your family....
W. from Indiana

My exact situation except a son. I met my now Husband when son was 1. We told our son last year, he was 12. I didn't think he could understand it completely before that and wanted to make sure he could understand that his biological Dad left because of himself, not anything my son did. My Husband was in the conversation and told my son he loved him. We agreed ahead of time to let him know that if he wanted to meet his biological that we were comfortable with that, it was up to him and wouldn't hurt anyones feelings! He asked a couple of questions and a few more the couple of weeks that followed. I am glad we waited until he was mature enough to handle the situation and completely grasp the whole story. My hubby and I do have 4 children under this oldest son and told him he could tell them when they are 10 yrs old or keep this info to himself, it was his choice. The next in line is only 8, but son says he wants to keep it to himself, so we will see. Good luck, just be open and honest when the time comes and stress that it's not her fault just that biological wasn't ready.

My suggestion would be to involve her in the legal adoption process, explain to her that she had a biological daddy and a "real" daddy, her biological daddy gave her some trait that is like her biological daddy. For example: her eyes or hair color. But, her "real" daddy chose her to be his little girl. Have him talk to her about all the reasons he wants her to be his little girl. Make it a way cool kind of thing for her. If you have a court date take her with to court. Have a big family party to celebrate when the legal adoption is over with. Take a negative thing-having her biological father reject her-and make it a positive thing-she is such a special little girl that her "real" daddy chose her to be his little girl. Then stop talking about her biological dad unless she asks about him and hold your breath and wait for her to become a teenager and ask again. You should have plenty of time between now and then to think about what you are going to say to her when she asks again.

I would wait defenatly until she is way older-teens maybe or 11 the earliest.

Be honest with your daughter and start within the next year or so, I am sure you will be able to tell when she is ready. I believe that as long as she understands that your husband now loves her, will always be there for her and will always be her "Daddy" she will be able to cope. And I think that your husband should be involved in the conversation, he needs to tell her that she is his daughter and his world and that it is not a birth certificate that makes them Daddy and Daughter. By the way you speak of your husband, I am sure the little girl knows that already. In this day so many homes are broken and i think that children just want the stability of mom and dad and aren't so concerned about them being biological or not, the longer you wait, she may resent you for it later. And of course, make sure she understands that the reason for her biological father not being in the picture is no fault of hers. I hope this helps. God bless.

I could be totally wrong, having never dealt with this situation myself - but i do know several families who have dealt with this. It seems to me that the families who have the least problems later on are the ones who are honest from the start. You don't have to "explain" everything to her now, just matter of factly make mention, when appropriate, of the fact that "so and so is your daddy, even though this other person got me pregnant with you" (or however you want to put it). It always seemed the kids who dealt with it the best were the ones who knew, but didn't make a big deal out of it. The thing is, she will accept it right now and it won't freak her out, but if she waits until later to find out it could. Good luck!

I was just reading the other responses and felt I had to add to mine - I REALLY think you should start telling your daughter now. The moms who say "don't rock the boat, don't upset her now..." they are assuming it WILL upset her. It WON"T, as long as you handle it calmly and don't give her too much information too soon. It's just like talking about sex with kids - if you handle it very matter of factly and give them only as much info as they can understand at the time, they will accept what you tell them. If she learns now, then it will never come as a shock. It will just be something that "IS". But the one who advised you get together with you new husband is right. Make him part of the dialogue.

my mother was in your very same position. she told me when i was 8. i understood. it was still a little unsettling and i had a lot of questions but that's normal. it didn't effect my current relationship with my new daddy- he's the most amazing man i've ever known and i wouldnt have it any other way. Mom broke it to me at 8 and it worked out just fine.

hope that helps!

I think K. M had a great idea! Otherwise, maybe start a conversation about all the different kinds of families out there - some have a mom and dad, some have 2 moms, some have 2 dads.....but that a family is the people who love and take care of each other. I wouldn't make it a serious conversation - the more lighthearted you make it, the more lighthearted she will feel about it. Also, I wouldn't tell her that her bio dad doesn't want to be a part of her life - just that she was created out of love.

I kinda had the same situation, her father left me when I was pregnant. I met my husband while I was pregnant with her. She always thought he was her daddy until one day her real dad showed up and wanted to be daddy now after 6 years. We had to tell her the truth. She is 10 now and I don't really think she totally understands. If the real father is not around and is not going to be a part of her life, I would wait until she is alot older and just live your life to the fullest.

I wish I had some sage advice on this topic. My mom was adopted by my her "step father" (I use that for lack of a better term). She always knew though because my grandmother didn't divorce her biological dad until my mom was five.

I also have a friend whose mom was in a very similar situation to yours. She got pregnant at 16, never married the father, and at a young age she married her wonderful husband and he adopted her daughter (my friend). I'm not sure when they told her about it, but I know it was early. It was never an issue. Their only mistake was that they didn't tell her younger sibling that she was bioglogically only her half sister. I'm not sure why they kept it from her, but last I heard she was 18 and still didn't know.

And lastly, I have another friend whose step dad adopted her when she was a baby. They never told her that he wasn't her biological father until she was 18!! This was a really bad decision for many reasons.

If I were you, I think I'd go ahead and explain it to her now. Tell her that your husband is, has always been, and will forever be her "real" dad. The relationship should be even more special because he chose to be her dad. As for explaining where her biological father is and why he didn't stick around, which she'll be curious about eventually, I definitely wouldn't talk badly about him to her. My grandmother made that mistake when answering my mother's questions, and she's never forgotten it. Just give her the facts...he was young, he wasn't mature enough for a family, we should be happy he didn't stay b/c we are much happier with daddy. Then maybe later in life you can give her the details.

I wounldn't hide the fact but maybe right now she needs stability. And after all, a father is one who loves with all their heart. Blood now a days does not bind people as much as the feels possessed by those we are around. There will be a time when your daughter might want to know and all I can say is be honest about that loosers lose and her REAL fathers gain of a beautiful angel. She will have to deal with it in the end, but make sure she knows you both are their for her. Hope this helps a little.

I am not sure I would make a special effort to explain the whole story to her now, but I would make efforts to read stories about different families. Some have grandma living with them, some have many kids (others only have one), etc... At some time a story about a single mom would open up a chance to mention that this story could have been you two. I wish I had a good one to recommend. I love books and they offer a child so many more ways to relate. If I find one, I will let you know.
I think knowing that you both love her will make any discussion easier!