What Should I Let My Husband Get Away With?

I got lucky!! I went back to school 2 years ago. My husband was great, even though on my early nights I was cooking and cleaning, taking care of the kids, and homework, he was there when I had my late nights. he cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids ( all 4 of them), and helped me with my homework ( I suck in math and he's a contractor). You need to sit down and talk with him, ACTUALLY talk!! Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. And then listen to him on how he feels. He might be feeling "less of a man" because you might be working towards becoming the major bread winner of the family. But I can tell you this much, from experience ( previous marriage) if you don't stop his DEMANDING attitude now, it's only going to get worse. gl

S. -raising a family is a partnership. Your hubby should respect the fact that doing housework, studying for grad school and raising a son IS work. Unfortunately, stay-at-home moms don't get the praise that others sometimes get when working for others. You should try to have him understand what your day consists of and that some help would be appreciated. My husband works from 5:30 am to 6pm and STILL helps with laundry, dishwashing, reading to the kids at night, showering the kids, and vacuuming as well as the outside things that need to get done. Yes, he helped out more when we BOTH worked and didn't have kids. Then, somewhere it started to dissolve and I started to feel like a MAID (as you put it). If you talk to him, maybe he'll understand how much it would mean to you for him to help out. Communication! I just hate for you to continue what you're doing w/out talking to him about it b/c it may turn into resenting him (& you don't want that). Good luck!!

My husband is Navy and he works hard. To put myself in your husband's shoes, I used to work as well and would frequently allow/force him to pick up the household chores. We finally had to divvy up the chores so that our house wasn't a wreck. As a "single mom", I now do all of the cleaning and cooking but I no longer have a job outside the home. The main thing is to have each familiy member pulling his/her own weight and contributing to the household.

Give him a heads up. Tell him that if his clothes aren't in the hamper they don't get washed. And follow through with it. The first few times he runs out of socks and undies he'll get it. Just say where they put where they belong. Men forget, we need help too. My husband forgets to help me every once in awhile. So I remind him. I work full-time just like you and I'm not the only one living here. My husband does all the cooking and takes out the trash, loads and runs the dishwasher, and brings down the laundry hampers. But sometimes he doesn't realize everything I do. I can't remember the last time he set foot in a grocery store (it's safer and cheaper for us that way). If your hubby wants to act like a child treat him like one.

Hi S.,

What chores did you agree that he would do. ie take out the garbage, load the dishwasher, give the baby a bath? what. If you haven't agreed to any then set up the ground rules. ( just like you do for your children). Ans then the the reward thing with him too. if he completes all of his tasks in a timely fashion without being reminded, give him sex.

Stop thinking that him earning a living is such a great feet, just remember he would have to have a job whether you and the kids are there or not.

If he doesn't get the hint put the dirty dishes in his side of the bed. that will get his attention.

B.

I know exactly what you mean. My mother in law was a maid and a slave to my father in law for 60 years!!! It's a fine line. I don't work and I know I could be doing a better <<wifely>> job, but I won't be a slave either. Very early on when our five kids were little, I stopped doing his laundry. I'm doing it more now that the kids are all out of the house, but even then I don't always fold it. I put it on his bed and let him do it. I know he complains about the mess around here, but I know where he is coming from and I know I'm not a meticulous, organized person, although I am trying. I gather the garbage, but I leave it outside for him to drag to the curb. One of my kids used to do this, but they are gone at the moment. I joined flylady.com which is very helpful. I hightly recommend it to you (get a new mailbox for the information.) Flylady says do your part first and try not to get after the spouse. Maybe by your example he'll come around. So don't clean up his socks. Just leave them there, but clean up your socks and get your kids to help clean up their stuff. I am cleaning disfunctional and I know it, but I have some routines and I learned them from Flylady.com. Her motto is <<babysteps>>.
I'm always far behind, but she says, you are never behind! So it makes me feel better to some degree. Get a friend to go on the sight with you. It is very helpful.

your husband should be doing more to help you out my husband used to be like that until i said ok enough is enough since you dont want to help clean then im not going to clean and i didnt either and when he got tired of seeing a mess then he started cleaning i only cleaned up after the kids and myself and he got to see how much of the mess really was his and he thought it was so easy to stay home and clean and take care of the kids so i went away for a week end left him a list of what needed to be done left him the kids and shut off my cell believe me not to many things on the list got done now he does some laundry he'll do dishes if need be trash and he'll even cook dinner once in awhile and he works full time just because we are home all day doesn't mean we have to be thier maid they can pick up after themselves

Hi S....
Ok, my response is a book, bear with me now... please, it gets to the point...
I was married at 26 years old and now i am 30-- with 3 beautiful boys!!! For the longest time, my hormones were wacko and I felt like I was on major overdrive. I did all the housework: cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash, organizing the house (when we first moved into our first apt, second, and finally, the one we are living in now-- since July of this year. I did everything!!! I gave my husband a job-- the only one- organize the office. 2 months later, I have set it all up-- including putting the computer together. I set up all the furniture, assembly and arrangement as well... then had to host my brother in law's bday party meaning, the 45 unpacked boxes had to be unpacked and organized in less than a week! I am telling you this cos I think men have this thing where they still have to grow out of their "singleness mindstate" and or buried conciousness of taking their wives for granted. I was married 3 years, pregnant over 90% of the time and doing sooooooooo much more than my body could handle. My husband used to just shut me out when I asked him to cook dinner when he got home earlier than normal. Finally, I got fed up and told him that we needed to talk about what is going on.
I think it really was useful to have someone to be there with you- to open his eyes, and yours of reasons why things happen the way they do and if there are any underlying issues to why your husband just doesn't want to help. (I am a christain and went to our pastor and his wife) and had a "marital counsel". It was very informal but it truly did help. Today is our 4 year anniversary and at the beginning of 2006, all has been great between us!
Tell your husband that you two need to really have a sit down, but before you do, write down the things you want to share with him. The pastor's wife told me to use the "I" method instead of the "you"= blaming game. Encourage him and praise him for the good that he is doing for the family. Tell him that "I know that you have been doing so much for our family working hard." "I truly appreciate the hard work you put in for us to survive and I am appreciative of your support as I go to school and spend time with our son." "Can we discuss the housework and the other resposibilities at home? I feel like I am working very hard as well, and would appreciate some help..."
Maybe not exactly those words, but I know you get the point. Just be positive in your approach. the last thing you want is your husband feeling like you are nagging him. My husband says that if I ask him to help nicely, then he will help. Open his eyes to how much you do as well in your marriage and family!
I hope it all works out!

My husband is the same way because he works he has done nothing since the baby was born NOTHING.. I thought I was the only one. Last week for a couple of days I went on Strike at first he thought I was joking. I was not!!! This week he has done a lil bit Next week back on stike until he does more work. We are not maids or slave.. Taking care of the kids and the house are fulltime jobs too*-*.

Sometimes it is important to say how you feel to your husband without saying one negative thing to him.For instance,"It makes me so happy when I hear that you see what I am doing and offer to help. It makes me feel loved and appreciated."
It would make me feel so loved and appreciated if you would ____. " Or you can ask if you both could have a meeting where you could look at a list of household chores and see what he might be able to take off of your plate.
It help me sometimes in my marraige. Sometimes I just hvae to say, "I don't feel romantic when I am constantly doing doing doing and I don't feel like you really see me or appreciate me. I would like to hear that you do appreciate what I do, and maybe that you could volunteer to do some of these things with me or instead of me.
Resentment only makes you look like a negative woman, bossing makes him look like a kid, and not communicating these things leads to no intimacy. So I hope one of these helps.

My husband and I lived in the basement of my parents house for almost the first 3 years of our marriage. He stayed in our rooms and did NOTHING! He stays home with our kids and at that time worked just weekends. He had it easy. He left garbage all over, didn't do laundry, nothing. He would just take care of the kids, and when I came home, I would feed them, bathe them, put them to bed, clean and do laundry. He would stay downstairs and play videogames. We finally moved out to our own place in April, and we had a long talk. He wasn't happy with where we were living, so he withdrew and hid, while I had to take care of everything. We decided who would do what, and we stick to it. I bathe the kids, but he puts them to sleep at night when he's not working. I do the dishes, and he takes out the garbage. I pick up our apartment, and he vacuums. I clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. We split everything evenly. The only thing we didn't split was the laundry. I do laundry at my mom's on Sundays when he's at work, and I bring it home folded. He puts away all the kids clothes and his, and I put my own away cause I am very particular about it. This works very well for us. Every now and then I will come home and the garbage is full, or there is a bowl full of food on the counter or the dirty clothes are on the floor, but we work as a team. That's what you need to do. Sometimes just talking to them, like I did to mine, helps clear the air.

Hi S., in the beginning my husband was a saint, then after being married for a while he started slacking. So, one day I decided that if he wasn't going to pull his weight that I wouldn't do anything for him. I would do the laundry (only for myself and the kids), make dinner (but not for him), clean up after the kids (and my mess too). One day (about 2 weeks later) he asked why he didn't have any clean socks and I replied "because you haven't washed them". Since that day he washes dishes, gives the kids a bath, vacuums and helps with the yard work. When I noticed he was helping, I started doing the usual things for him again. Sometimes he works 14 hour days so he is very tired and doesn't feel like doing much, but on those days he puts the kids to bed and then goes to sleep himself. Good luck to you.

Have you actually talked to him about it? I know my husband will do a lot of stuff *if* I say something. He'll never volunteer for it, lol. How much he helps depends on how much he's home, and I get more out of him on the weekends than during the week. I refuse to take responsibility for setting out his clothes or ironing, though. I wash them and put them away, that's it. If he wants something specific that's not clean, he knows where the washer is.