Am I a Mom or a Maid?

Hi, A. -
With regard to the cooperation from the kids, my response is what works for me with my daughter, and is fairly simple. If I ask her to help me with something and she refuses, I tell her "OK, I'll do it myself, but later on when you (for example) want me to take you to the video store, I might be too tired". I usually try to give her back whatever reason she gave me - she's too tired, she's watching TV, she has a sudden and mysterious stomach ache, whatever. She always seems to come around and cooperate. Good luck.

Hi, I have an endearing story to tell you. My husband did not grow up in a clean house, his parents worked a lot of shift work and the kids did a lot of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. So....you'd think he'd do more of that type of thing now. He used to do laundry when we were first married and did a lot of the cooking because he got off work 1 1/2 hrs before I did. But now we have been married for almost 8 years and have a 4 yr old daughter. I don't complain to him except about him leaving his dirty clothes in the living room and pop cans all over the place. I am happy that we have a working dishwasher. Anyway, he basically does not complain about if the house is messsy. He usually comments on it being clean, but usually doesn't help clean it unless we have company coming. Two years ago for Christmas, he was home with my daughter and I had to work. We hadn't really gotten each other much, $ was tight. So he rearranged the living room and cleaned the kitchen up. He did dishes and even scrubbed the floor w/ a brush...it's horrible linoleum to clean. I was so excited and felt so loved. He made that Christmas very special! So, even if they don't help every day, if they don't complain every day I don't mind either. He basically does outside chores and vehicle maintenance and I do inside ones. Just had to put in my 2 cents and share a good memory about my hubby and housework.

I read most of these responses and felt like I had to put in my two cents. I'm a stay at home mom of two one is in school and the other is 2 I also watch my 1 year old niece. I have been so obsessed about the house being clean that people always respond well you do have two kids you know. So i quit worrying about all the toys being evrywhere and I clean what I can when I can. If my husband says anything my response is you have two hands and you can help to. Staying home is a full time job!!! Now that my son is 5 I think I;m going to have him start helping out around the house.

Wow, the responses I've read seem to draw strong conclusions one way or the other. I don't tend to see things so black and white. Each person and each family is unique and you need to take all feelings and perspectives into consideration if you want to find a happy solution.

I think it would be helpful to first reframe the question. Perhaps it is not so much an issue of rights and duties as it is an issue of respect and responsible parenting. Sometimes it is an issue of the family culture each spouse comes from and the expectations each brings into a marriage. For example, men always emptied the trash in the home I grew up in, but my husband's mother always emptied the trash and was responsible for getting the cans out on trash pick-up days in the home he grew up in. When we were first married, we simply assumed the other was being irresponsible and any time one of us finally took out the trash it was out of frustration and resentment. It never crossed our mind that we might need to discuss the matter and that we simply had different expectations!

It might help your situation to look at it in the light of respect and personal responsibility and what your children are learning in the process. When I was the SAHM, I did much of the major cleaning jobs, but we felt it was important for our son to see each person contribute with some chores and to see each person take responsibility for personal cleanliness. For example, I did the regular bathroom cleaning, but no one was allowed to leave hair all over the sink and counter after trimming a beard or dribbles on the edge of the toilet. I might clean up the kitchen after dinner, but each person could scrape their own dishes and put them in the dish washer. No one was allowed to leave towels or dirty clothes on the floor. If a bed is shared and we got up at the same time, we made it together. Otherwise the last one up made the bed. On the day the sheets are to be washed, that person can take off the old sheets and put on the clean ones and leave the used sheets in the hamper for washing - just as they would change their own clothes.

Keep in mind that some of the best family times are not playing together, but working together. I remember how my 3 siblings and I would share in cleaning the kitchen and dishes each night after dinner. We complained a few times, but those are some the best memories of my childhood. It is also why I like my kitchen clean today. There was a joy in all those hands working together; everyone clearing the table, one washing, one rinsing, one drying, and one cleaning the floor. I must have been very young. I remember standing on a stepstool to wash and rinse.

The way I look at it is that we invest a great amount of love into our families and it should be a love story, not a slave story. We love our families and we love our homes. But, we need to be loved and respected as well. One of the things I read in your message is that your husband seems to have assumed the right to decide what your responsibilities are for you, and you are frustrated and angry, but not sure why. I have found it does no good to just start criticizing each other, nor is it healthy to leave a frustrating situaion unchanged. But it might be helpful to put the issue on the table for discussion in the light of the needs of a growing family and how you are going to teach your children personal responsibility and respect. If you are thinking that you may go back to another career when the children are older, you really need to think about teaching them how to pitch in and develop responsibilities so that things can go smoothly at that time. If you think about it, teaching housekeeping is really more work than just doing it yourself. But it is more joyful and practical. If you and your husband make the effort to teach the family to work in respectful unity, you will be glad for it when the kids get older.

You may want to suggest that, since you work for the family, the family needs to be a more benevolent employer by offering you some perks for your hard work. Perhaps you should be given two weeks vacation, along with a certain number of sick days and personal days. During these times, everyone pitches in to do your jobs or hires someone to do so. This not only helps the family to appreciate what you do, but honors what you do as real work that is to be respected and not taken for granted. Let your husband know that you are looking at this in the light of what your children are learning. It would be very difficult to teach children to take personal responsibility if Dad doesn't. It is also important for everyone to be respected for their contributions. If they are not contributing, there is nothing to respect. Kids need to be given chores and to be shown appreciation for the jobs they do. It is important for children to learn the skills of housekeeping.

Of course, your husband contributes much with his job and salary. Your children work hard at school and learning. But, the fact that you are always on call for the family's needs, that you are responsible for feeding the family, educating the children, and managing a home, shopping, health care, etc., needs to be respected as your contribution. Assuming that all cleaning falls on your shoulders is neither fair nor wise.

I have a cousin who was brilliant at getting the whole family involved in the home. She got refrigerator magnets with each family member's name and the names of all regular chores. She rotated the names over the list of chores each week so that everyone took turns doing everything. The family understood that managing the rotations and making sure everyone stayed on task in a timely way was one of Mom's biggest chores, and that chore didn't rotate unless Mom was out of town and Dad took over.

And I must add that I was really taken aback by one response I read that asked what you do with your time if you're not always cleaning. Boy do I have an answer for that. During those times I was helping my son's school raise money for reference books; volunteering at the school to help kids read; helping to develop a citizens' advisory council for the school board; praying for my son, my family, and my community; running errands for the entire family; previewing music, movies, and books for my son; researching health issues to make sure we did not simply accept medical interventions when natural solutions were available; helping an elderly person who couldn't get to a doctor's visit; tutoring my niece after a stroke; making holidays special for the family; planning religious classes for children; keeping a garden; helping my sister work through a difficult divorce; taking my son to various arts and science events; and enjoying my own love for writing and playing music... just to name a few. I believe all these activities made me a better mother! I know they will make my son a better husband.

In the religion we practice we are taught that, within the family unit, each person's rights and prerogatives (choices) are to be respected and protected and that both the husband and the wife should strive to make their home a nest of love, joy, and laughter. We are also taught to consult respectfully and compassionately in order to solve problems and to treat each other as noble beings. And, we are told that parents are primarily responsible for teaching children to develop their potential for virtue. These ideas created a wonderful foundation for us. We certainly had our challenges, but we were able to keep learning and improving as we grew.

I hope these thoughts help you develop solutions that work for your family.

PS: I loved Karen's long response. Wish she lived next door to me!

Good Morning A., Ok I am 57yrs Young (I wish) And as yet have Never had a clutter free home. I have had the privilege of Not Having to work outside the home UNLESS I wanted to. I worked in a beauty salon until i got preggers with our first son. Geeeeeeeeeeeeez that was over 34 yrs ago.

I loved being home with our son's, as most Mama's do. I played more then took time to clean. They did start doing their own laundry when they were 8 & 10. When I found it in the hamper, or under the beds or toy chest still folded that was a turning point. Even if I had to get out the stool for them to stand on to reach the knobs they did it.
They always did it on Sat. Mornings. Of course I helped they didn't do everything. But for the most part they did. I supervised the folding and PUTTING away. Before I would fold it and lay it on their beds to put away.

To tell the truth my hubby is a lot better housekeeper then I am. FOR Years I felt guilty when he would come home and start picking things up or cleaning the kitchen. I would jump up and try to take over. ( with muttered words under my breath going on lol ) I finally ask him why he was doing this? Was it to make me feel guilty? My Mom did that enough over the years. Lost mom in Aug. loved her a lot, miss her dearly, but I can still hear those words. "Well look at Lady Aster sitting on her Royal @$$". His answer surprised me and I wish he had told me YEARS ago. He likes it, it helps him unwind after working, out in the cold, or in the office all day, dealing with other people who at times behave like children.

I guess A. my feelings were My children will always remember I was a fun mom, and they will grow up and be gone before ya know it. If the cleaning fairy didn't show up while I was sleeping. Well there was always another day. :))

While they were in school I did better, but I am a collector also. Keith calls it Pack ratting.. The RAT!! ;)
Then we OR I started home schooling my boys starting in 6th & 8th gr. To many learning gaps. We moved to TX in 91 and the boys (17-15 then) had friends like never before. Our house was the place where they all crashed at. I never knew how many kids were going to be there when I woke up in the morning.

One son stayed in TX when we moved back home to KS in 98. Broke my heart to leave our eldest son behind. He is here now with a Wonderful wife and 2 beautiful son's I watch daily. Our youngest son got married a couple of years after moving back here. THEY Lived with us for about 4 yrs. ROLLERCOASTER RIDE for sure. I did everything for all of them as our daughter in law.. well lets just say she wasn't into helping and leave it at that. ;) Oh Sorry she did do their laundry. Whoopieeeee
When their second child was 6 mo. old we told them it was time for them to GO. They had 6 wks to find a place. They did but have been back a number of times in their 10 yrs of marriage. We haven't allowed them back for lets see 5 yrs now. They only came they if power was off because of storms or pipes froze up.

Ok I digressed.........lol
All in all A., it's a partnership. Some hubby's love to help no matter what was done during the day. Since I watch the two gr son's everyday, my hubby doesn't expect everything to be done all the time. He does laundry on Sat. We clean up the kitchen together. He travels a lot so when I had NO ONE extra in the house, that would be when I tackled closets and cluttered area's. It didn't have to be put back in order in one day.

It's probably good that for being 57 I am in decent physical shape or I wouldn't last long with a 3 1/2yo & 14 month old daily to chase. At the end off the day though All i want to do is Veg out.

A. if you can do just a little bit each day, it will help. It is neither your job or his job, its a family effort. I make lists, ONE room at a time. Before I would take something from the living room back to the bedroom and find stuff to do there, take something to the office and do stuff there... etc. WHAT a rat race i was creating for myself.

Corbin loves to help Nana. I have a little upright shark vac that he loves to use. He vac's up Zane's cheerios etc. He helps put the silverware away from the dishwasher.
We sing that little cartoon song "Clean up" or what does it take "Team Work" :))

For me A. it's a never ending day. That old Proverb or something, that goes A man works from Dawn to Dusk, a Woman's work is never done. Well that's All of us Mama's and Grand-mama's. Unless we have been blessed with a Hubby that likes Helping.

*Laughing* Yesterday we got 4in of snow, Keith came home right after the boys were picked up, I was out with our puppy Amber. He said Hummmmmmmmmmmmm Why didn't a shovel the driveway today?? Then ran fast with the shovel, laughing his rear off...lol I said Didn't want to take all your fun, so I saved it for you my dear !!!!

A. enjoy being a mom, enjoy being a wife. Life is way to short to worry over some things. Do the best you can WITH NO GUILT placed or accepted. If you need help Ask for it. Don't expect a guy to SEE what needs doing. Like selective hearing, they have blinders for some things right in front of them, or untill they trip over it. (oldest son)

Love ya and know how ya feel. Overwhelmed at times :)
K. Nana of 5

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this is long. Saaaaaaaaawwwww-reeee :))

Hi A.,

I'm responding to your follow up about your son. I used to run our local cub scouts -- not just the den, but the entire pack. At the beginning of each year, I'd sit down the boys and have THEM make up a set of rules for behavior and responsabilities, and what the repercussions would be if a rule was broken. Since the boys were heavily involved in the process (with adult guidance, of course), they took ownership and actually followed the rules pretty closely.

I have found that this method works equally well in the home -- sometimes, anyway -- with some modification. Here's how I started handling chores when both of my kids reached elementary school age.

I asked my kids to make up a list of things that they thought needed to be done around the house. We then looked over the lists together to create one comprehensive list. After this, I asked them to break down each task into each of its smaller components with specific end results. For example, cleaning the bathroom was broken down to wiping off the sink so it was dry with no spots, cleaning around the faucet, cleaning the top, sides, and all surfaces of the toilet seat as well as inside the bowl, etc.

As the next step, we all did the tasks together and timed them to figure out how long a job should reasonably take. In addition, we figured out if doing or not doing a job impacted other jobs. For example, if the kitched wasn't cleaned up, dinner could not be made.

Once we had all this info in hand, I set a minimum amount of chore time that would be accomplished by each child each week and let the kids take turns picking the jobs they wanted to do. I made sure that tasks were pretty equitable and that no one was overloaded. This gave the kids some control over their responsibilities. If the task was not time dependent or did not impact something else, they could do it when they wanted to, as long as it was done by the end of the week.

When all the picking was done, I told the kids that everything is a give and take -- if they helped me out by doing their chores, I would have more time to spend with them doing whatever. If they didn't help me, I wouldn't help them. Also, we tied their allowances to accomplishing the chores, and it was all or nothing.

It took a few weeks to get things going fairly smoothly, but eventually the kids got the message. If the kitchen wasn't clean, everyone stayed hungry until the child responsible had cleaned it -- to MY satisfaction, even if they had to be called back several times. If the dishwasher wasn't cleaned out before dinner so dishes wouldn't pile up in the sink, the child with dishwasher duty got the extra chore of loading the dishes later on, since they had impacted the child (or adult) who was supposed to rinse and load the dishwasher. If they wanted homework help but hadn't done their chores, I refused to give them help until they did, pointing out that I would have to pick up their slack and that would not leave me time for them. The same was true for reading a book, playing a game, or going to a playdate or other activity to which I had to drive them.

Every once in a while, things would break down. When that happened, we'd re-evaluate changing schedules and responsibilites (like school work load) and reshuffle jobs so that the timing made more sense. I won't say that things were always perfect -- I still had to remind the kids to do their jobs lots of times, even into and through adolescence (they seem to lose vital memory brain cells involved in chore-doing during this time. I'm told it's the result of "fumes", i.e., gas fumes and perfumes ;-) ), but at least I wasn't doing all of the work!

As for my husband, he takes care of the "manly" jobs, which include gardening and fixing things. Works for me! Thankfully for both of us, he handles the finances, too, and will even run the vacuum and mop once in a while. Oh, which brings me to labor-saving devices. Get a Roomba and a Scooba. Yes, they're pricey, but they're easy to use, great entertainment (really!) and the kids will even want to run them (at least until the novelty wears off). But, what could be better than having a robot sweep and mop your floors for you?! Plus, I think these bots do a better job than any of the humans in my house (including me). If you haven't heard of them before, check out irobot.com (and no, I don't work for the company).

Wow, hot topic here. I have read all of the responses and you have received some really great advice.

My response is simple: my husband puts up with so much *&^% at work, I feel that the least I can do is pick up around the house. He works just as hard as I do.

Having said that, he will happily fold the laundry that I place in front of him while he is watching the game!

You mention that 90% of the mess is yours: maybe by getting your clutter in order he will be more motivated to help with the other chores if he feels like he's not just cleaning up after you.

Make it a team effort and I bet you will see results. Good luck!

A., I have always been a single mom...until a month ago. But I remember once I told my kids I was going on strike because I was sick and tired of doing everything and no one was helping yet they were asking for more and more ignoring my simple requests. I locked myself in the bedroom except for their basic needs and provided only the food they really needed. No extra goodies or requests for dinner. You got what you got. No rides to friends' houses. No laundry washed.
I got letters shoved under my door. Apologies. Tears. Hugs. The house was cleaned.
Women/moms are taken for granted because of our nurturing natures but we are PEOPLE TOO! Sometimes we have to remind those around us Let them know what they would be missing without you.
Fortunately I just married an angel. He takes very good care of me. But when he forgets, it doesn't take much to get him back on track lol.

I think it all depends upon what he is contributing to the family. What I mean is that my mom always did ALL the cleaning but my dad did all the repairs. He would fix the cars, the sinks, the toilets...you name it, if it broke he fixed it. He was always working on something in the evenings ...vaccuums...one time he had the dryer torn apart in the living room to fix it. So, he was busy with that and my mom did the dinner, clean routine. My dad also did the mowing in the summers and etc. They were both always busy working on something. My husband absolutely stinks at fixing things. So, he helps clean and I tinker with things and/or call my dad for backup. I think if he is lounging around after work while you are left with everything else, then he needs a wakeup call. I finally had to tell my husband that he was a big boy and could pick up after himself. I also told him that I was jealous that his job ended at 5:30 everyday, but mine kept going and going and going. I used to work full time and we split 50/50 the household stuff. When I started staying home, he started giving me things to do. Can you call this person? Take that to this place? etc etc etc. I finally had to tell him to start chippin in and that the dishes don't do themselves. I have a friend who was fed up one night and finally said, "I am not the only one who ate tonight, but I am the only one who cooked. So, someone needs to get in here and help me." She was talking to her husband and children. I hope that helps. I just think you gotta see if he is actually doing something besides watching you work. If he is lounging and you are working 18 hour days, then he needs a reality check. That's my opinion.

Hi A.,
I had to respond to this because many women have issues in this area of their life. If being the home maker (Domestic engineer) in your family is your only full time job then you should gladly do whatever it takes to run the household for your spouse and children. The "Maid" part would only apply if you are both sitting in the living room (where-ever) and he asks you to go get him something (beer, water, etc.) You can do it but don't let it become a habit.
The other issue is if you are both working full time and the house/kids are still your responsibility totally. I have never had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom! Enjoy it while you can.

Your son breaking down and putting up a fight has always worked, when he was one and too frustrated to pick up his own toys, he cried, you gave in and did it for him. You will have a VERY rough week of retraining yourself and your kids. They are capable of so much more. Imagine his wife, would you want her cleaning up after him, the three kids and cooking and cleaning while working a full time job, too, because it's just too hard for him to help out? You are responsible for making him a contributing member of the family. I know he did a half-a@# job of cleaning up the coffee. The consequence is, that he will have to keep recleaning it until it is done properly. Ask him questions calmly like, Is the mess completely cleaned up or are you waiting for someone else to come and finish your job? Who did you expect to finish it for you? Is this the way it is supposed to look? Tell him, Unless I bought that item to decorate that space, it does not belong there. Pots and pans go in the pots and pans cupboard, not underwear, right? so do your shoes go in the foyer or on the shoe shelf in your closet, which place was designed for them? Get him to think about what the proper way things are to be done. Did you buy the peanut butter and bread to decorate your floor with? Then the logical thing is that when a half-eaten peanut butter sandwhich falls on the floor, it must be cleaned up, completely. You need to make a list of appopriate chores for each child to do and kids as little as 12 months old can put away their toys in a basket if you sing with them and make a game out of it. In my opinion, beds, laundry hampers, bathrooms and toys can all be handled by any child over the age of four. Ask him to do a chore and then send him out to play, trusting his word that it is done. After about 15 minutes ( long enough for him to get engaged in play) check his work and if it's not done properly, call him back in to finish the job properly, let him figure out what's wrong. This will really make him mad, but he will soon learn that his own lack of responsibility and trying to do a half job is what's causing him to have to do the job over and over. The first time he does the job right, leave him out to play and tell him that you noticed what a good job he did cleaning up his things and taking care of his chores, ask him if it felt good to do a good job and be able to go out and play? The self pride is what will teach him to be a responsible adult in the end.

We had this same problem in my home when my husband told me he cleaned the house FOR ME. FOR ME really I thought this was OUR HOUSE. He said well it needed to be done and you usually do it so yeah I cleaned the house for you. So the day after that comment, I called him all day to let him know all of the things that I had done for HIM like I did the laundry for you, drove the kids to school & got them ready, emptied the dishwasher, cooked meals, dropped off dry cleaning and the million and one other things I did for HIM that day. He got really tired of me and realized all that it takes for our life to function normally. Needless to say he has never cleaned the house FOR ME again. But when he does clean up he needs to be praised all day for it, I have learned whenever he does anything that I would like him to continue to do I overly praise his efforts tell him it looks fabulous, it has made my life so much easier, thank him for doing it ect. then he does the task again without my asking just to be recognized again. Sorry to ramble, but sometimes you just have to wonder about men.

Lots of responses, so maybe someone mentioned this, but I was just listening to Dr. Tony Evans (a minister) on the radio yesterday and he was talking about how men are to love their wives and women are to respect their husbands (there's a great book about that - "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs: by Emerson Eggerichs), but the part that relates to this was that a woman's main job is to help her husband be the best husband/father/head of the family he can be. It's not to be the maid or the cook or the seamstress. You are a team and you have to help each other. Yes, you stay at home, but your responsibilities are an overall goal to raise your children and help your spouse through life together. So while his main task is going to work to bring in money, and your main task is to care for the children and the home, it's not solely your job to clean, cook and sew. You have to help each other. That said, my husband and I both work full-time and I do all of the laundry, dusting, sweeping, mending, etc. and 75% of the cooking, diswashing and childcare. He thinks because he cleans out the gutters once a year, mows the lawn 8 months out of the year and takes out the trash once a week that we're even. :) I just try to focus on the positive and praise him for his efforts. Then I think about how if I was a single mom, I'd have to do it all by myself. (Not to say this always works - I have my blowups about it, too.) Best of luck to you - just know you're not alone - and I think from the huge number of posts, that's probably pretty clear. :) Hang in there!

Guys are objective thinkers. Make a list of chores - everything that needs to be done - then assign the ones to the kids that they can do. Ask dad if he would pick 2 or 3 from the list and that it would be a great help to you. We are a team. Let him pick and help him see that his participation would demonstrate to you that he cares what you do. Post the list. As he sees all the things on the list, he may not realize what you do each day. [Some guys just won't help - if so, count your blessings that he is a good provider and daddy to your kids. There is much to be thankful for.] God Bless.

At 9 years old, your son should be helping with things around the house, especially cleaning up after his own mess...no wonder you feel like a maid. Check out the book "Setting Limits for your Strong Willed Child". It should help you come up with a game plan to get your children on track for obeying, listening, and doing their part. That should eliminate part of the problem. As far as the husband not being supportive goes, you need to explain to him that you have a choice, to be a full-time maid or to be a full-time mom. You have choosen to be a full-time mom and you need his help to keep the house in check. Perhaps he can have specific jobs he is in charge of, vacuuming, taking the trash out, whatever it is. Then praise him to high heaven when he does it (even though you don't get praised for every little thing you do)....it will help encourage him.

Good luck.

Wow. Lots of good responses, esp Kathy and Karen.

In short, I think the "I-bring-home-the-bacon-so-I'm-off-the-hook" arguement you're getting from your husband is a cop out, plain and simple. You're in a partnership and the best marriages call for all hands on deck.

My household is reverse. Hubby's a SAHD with a part time teaching job, so I'm the main breadwinner. It is a constant battle to keep the household in working order, and I see my husband working so hard to care for, love and teach our children first and foremost every single day. Housework is a distant second priorty, though he does so much more than I would expect to that end as well. Therefore, I do whatever I can to lighten the load. This shows my appreciation and respect for what he does.

You are not crazy for feeling bad about dismissive comments from your husband ON TOP of him not helping out. I think the hardest things for you to do will be to ask for help and draw the line.

Good luck to you, A.!

HI A.,

Your first update went out with the daily digest; I imagine you've touched a tender spot with many of us (me, included!) :-)

you've gotten lots of feedback on the husband helping out issue, so I'll chip in on another front.

In the update, you expressed frustration with your son not helping out too much with clean-up. Though I don't have specific ideas for you, my all-time FAVORITE how-to-address-stuff-with-my-kid books are the Positive Discipline series by Jane Nelson. They are wonderful: full of no-nonsense, practical, dignified and respectful ideas on helping kids grow into self-sufficient, helpful, respectful beings.

best of luck, and congratulations on having the courage to address this with your family!
C.

No it is not your job to do all of it ! I am a SAHM of a 4 yr old and a 17 month old. I to have a lot of clutter lol, but I am in the process of getting rid of alot of it. The way I view it is, it is the SAHM's job to take care of the kids, but the house "duties" are BOTH mommy and daddy's job. Its not fair for the mom to take care of the kid(s) AND do ALL the house work. My husband was and still is kinda lazy when it comes to housework. I flat out told him either he cleans or he gets out because its not fair that I should clean up after myself, my girls AND him. He has gotten better but not great. I also have left him alone with the kids and a messy house for a day while I went and ran errands. When I came back the house was worse than when I left. So I asked him why the house was not cleaned and he said "I cant do it, the girls were acting up and wouldnt let me do anything". I think that made him see how hard it is. I make lists for him so he knows what I want him to do.
Now on the other hand I think that if the house is in order, and clutter free then I dont see why the SAHM shouldnt be able to do the cleaning. If I had a place for everything in my house and I didnt have piles and stacks of "stuff" everywhere in my home, I personally would have no problem do ALL the housework. But, that is in a perfect world and we dont live in one lol !!!! Good luck !

You can not look at it as chores, take it from the TEAM concept.....Meet your children where they are explain it to them on their level. Make it fun to help. Choose a sport (Basketball, baseball, football,ect). Sit them down and have a pep rally for your home team, its you against the the Dirt Mongers (or some other made up team) and you can only defeat them together. Make it fun to help not a pain. Come up with some rules, consequences, rewards, ect. Have a chart and every play (time they help with no fuss) they gain a point, and develop rewards for the points (Trip to the Library, Rent a video, ect)

i didnt read through the other responses but as a former SAHM here is my 2 cents.

if the children heard any part of those comments by your husband they will believe it. you sit them down and tell them that those views are wrong.

i taught my boys to help by physically grabbing their hand and making it do whatever it was that i had told them to do. granted this was before they were in third grade but its still not too late to start.

if he throws a fit tell him- you have every right to throw a fit if you so choose but go do it in your room because we have the right not to have to hear it. then when you are done you can come out and finish this job.

i KNOW it can be easier to do it yourself. i was lucky my husband never thought they way yours does. he traveled for a living so he felt "obligated" to help out when he was home.

my husband took the do it himself road rather than force the kids. then spent the last of their teen yrs wondering why the oldest didnt have any responsibility for anything. dad never made him pay for or work off the $200 phone bill, never made him fix the holes in the walls and doors, and didnt make him pay for the $300 tire and wheel he ruined- while most likely driving drunk. hmmmmm no mystery to me!

on the flip side. there were lots of times when they were in grade school and even jr high that they would make us or me stay in our room for a suprise and they would clean the house. they even brought me breakfast in bed a couple of times.

here is an idea that i stole... tell them you are hiring a maid. my boys got a small allowance then-- i would put a mark next to each chore of theirs that the maid had to do and take a dime away from allowance for each mark. I being the maid of course. at the end of the week when they had no allowance it started affecting them.

kids love to please. they love to feel needed in the family unit. they NEED to feel like their presences is needed or they will feel like you could do without them.

it is not easy. especially if you dont have support from husband. but i promise you, your kids will learn, and they will feel loved, and they will respect you for it.

feel free to email me if you need support!

Hi,

RE your update, I have just started reading "Positive Discipline". http://www.positivediscipline.com/ It addresses just this, how to get kids to be more self-reliant, take responsibility and so on. I'm always recommending books, I'm a reader, and I know that getting a book is not a quick fix, but this is a long term lifestyle change, a change from the frustrating approach where you feel you're always nagging. It's a guide to helping put the onus on the child in a positive way that actually builds the child's self esteem. It could also be a guide for helping you learn to set boundries in a positive way. You deserve equal status in your home!

As moral support (and from all the replies, I see you are getting a lot!), I do not think you should be a maid because you are a SAHM! I think a good Mom should try to guide the family toward self reliance (which comes hand in hand with good self esteem!), not serve the family like a slave. You could think of it as another part of teaching kids how to function out in the world. They need a model if they are to learn how to treat people with repect, and how to expect respect from others. It is hard to put your foot down and to figure out how to do it in a calm reasonable way so as to command respect. It's a process, and takes a lot of bravery.

All the best,
C.

When I was SAHM, I was responsible for the big stuff - I vacuumed, I did 90% of the cooking, still do 100% of the laundry - and I did it when my husband was at work. I love LOVE love flylady.net - she helped me get it all under control.

That said - you screw it up, you fix it. You pee on the toilet, you wipe it off. You spill the coffee, milk,juice, kool aid, you wipe it up. You tracked dirt in, you sweep it out.

Because there is a job - keeping the house clean, mothering the 4 year old.. and then there is life - picking up after yourself. Your husband is showing HUGE disrespect by expecting you to do everything, and your nine year old is picking up on - and mirroring that. AT the same time, it really sounds like your major frustration is not being able to get on top of everything. Let me repeat. Flylady.

Oh - all of the rest of the stuff that you do, including his laundry, sex more than once a week, chauffering the nine year old to his friend's house, the movie, and the mall - those are extra, and if they don't do extra - I would not either.

There have been several times when he was in the mood and I suddenly got the urge to vacuum the bedroom. And unload the dishwasher... or, again, when they were sleeping in at 6 am on Saturday morning (nothing ridiculous - 6 is a normal time to get up on school and work day) - I would turn on all the lights, vacuum, and start cleaning the windows. Once the house was clean on Saturday morning, I wouldn't do another thing.. cereal for breakfast, sandwich for lunch and dinner - and feed the baby. The two big babies can fend for themself.

The next week - or the week after, when they realize this is not a one day thing, I would let them know what they can do to help me - and then the rest of the day, I would cook and they could do the dishwasher. I would also interrupt TV watching for the husband to wipe the pee off the potty, or to pick up his dirty clothes out of the floor and put them in the hamper - this almost cost me my marriage, but it worked... both on him and the older kids.

It's been 3 years and another baby since then, and I am no one's maid. I do take care of my family - they never go hungry, they always have clean clothes. They also take care of me - I am never stressed out to the point of not knowing how I can get everything done - I know I can count on my team... my kids, my stepkids, and my husband - because they want the cooking and the laundry and the chauffeur service to continue - and, I think - because they love me. :)

Good luck.
S.

Hi, A.. Well, you've answered some of your own questions. Since the daddy shamelessly lets you -- and the rest of the family, apparently -- know that he thinks you have to clean up after everyone else, his sons, who are going to do everything that Daddy does, will have the same opinion.

Now, I do believe that in a couple, if only one of them is working, that the majority of the basic housework belongs to the stay-at-home partner. But that does NOT mean that the SAHM becomes a domestic slave or a maid. It's not your job, in my opinion, to pick up dirty clothes that others are too lazy to toss in the hamper. If your son or husband makes a mess, he needs to clean it up, just as any NORMAL, considerate person would. You are not on this earth to make everyone feel like he is wrapped up in a cocoon. Everyone needs to take responsibility for his own person and his own messes. The exception, of course, is a baby, who is unable to clean up after himself.

Now, with that said, if your 9-year-old has no idea how to wipe a mess, he needs to be shown. It's not always obvious to a small child how to do it. My own parents were not very smart and expected me to transition from no cleaning responsibilities at all, to sweeping and mopping an entire 3-bedroom house, in one day flat, with no training. And no rewards, either. I had no idea how to do it right. The fact that I was a girl did not give me instant, inborn knowledge of how to do it, either, which I guess they thought it did. So show your boys that it doesn't hurt their masculinity at all to wipe up a spill.

The fact that they have gotten away with it for so many years means that it will not be easy to re-train them.

Your husband needs to be informed that for a boy or a man to not take care of his own business is just plain un-manly. I'm serious. A real man takes responsibility for HIMSELF as well as his family. So he needs to show his son how to be a good little man. Otherwise, the boy is going to grow up lazy, self-indulgent, and disrespectful to his mother as well as to other women. Dad needs to set a good example of how to treat a woman with dignity and respect.

And you've got to stop giving in to your son! He's WAY too old to be throwing himself on the floor and having tantrums! That's something kids half his age do. You're basically training him to throw tantrums, because you're letting him get away with disrespect and disobedience every time you tell him to do something normal. So don't give in. Yes, take something away. Set it up so that he has to do what you tell him to do BEFORE he gets to do what he wants. And stop giving in. You have to be strong so that he will grow up as a strong man with good character.

I hope everything works out for the well-being of your son and the whole family.

Peace,
Syl

wow, lots of strong opinions both ways. i work ft, so i have not been in your position. i consider myself kinda lucky that i can play that "i work a full-time job too!" card, actually lol. hubby has no excuse! because martha stewart i am NOT. i do think that if i was home with my son i would feel obligated, and hubby would expect me to, do all the housekeeping myself. yuck! BUT, you kinda have a point when you look at it as, you take care of kiddos all day, that IS your full time job. and it is your family's home,not just yours. i see no reason why the FAMILY can't be responsible for their living space. this is one of those discussions that probably should have been had before, laying down rules and expectations of what would happen when you stayed home from work. since it didn't happen, you have to expect to compromise a bit. maybe you can keep up the majority of the housekeeping during the weeks, depending on when you have the kids with you (although i do think since one is in school and the other is almost 5, you should have no trouble at least keeping up with the clutter), and then on the weekends do a "family cleaning time" to wrap up the loose ends. just a suggestion. hope you find an answer that works for you!

Hi A.. I havnt worked in over 11 years, and I'm so glad that I dont have to...especially when the weather is crappy or when one of my kids is sick and needs me, or after school I'm here for homework help. Yeah, I think keeping the house clean is my job, my hubby works at the office, dealing w/ people& meetings& conference calls, so it's my job to 'do' the house. Now PARENTING...we totally share that job.One thing we've always done..after dinner and kitchen is done, Todd takes the kids upstairs for showers, teethbrushing, 'picking up' kids rooms, story time or playing the wii..whatever. That way when I go up, all I'm doing is hugging & kissing & tucking them in. Todd also makes them a big breakfast on the weekends. He also takes them to the park , and the dog for a walk..so I can sit for a bit.
I do know how you feel...I believe it does get easier when your kids are older. And you can give them easy chores, too.
Get them to help you out. It's a good habit to start.
And every household is different, of course, but this is working for us, and has for a long while. But if the way things are now isnt working for you, then maybe telling your spouse your tapped out and need help. That way your not begruding him for being a working man.
Gotta find a balance! Good luck.

A., I feel your pain. I am a SAHM as well, but I also manage to babysit here and there and I feel like all the housework is heaped on my shoulders too. I don't think the darling men in our lives realize that being a SAHM isn't eating bon bons and watching soap operas. I think the best thing to do woul dbe to sit down with him, be calm, and tell him how you feel and ask what chores he would like to help out with, maybe you could rotate who does what even, to make it a little more balanced. I don't rock the boat very much because I know being able to be a SAHM is a mixed blessing = )
The only other advice I can give is join flylady.com, she is inspirational and will help you cut down on your clutter = ) I have learned clutter is the enemy. If you have a routine cleaning seems a lot easier. I learned a lot when I worked at Merry Maids and one of the things they taught us was to be very efficient with our time, a routine does that.
Also your children are not too young to start helping out! Make them help pick up toys now and you will be a much happier mommy = )
Lots of luck (((hugs))) we all feel like this from time to time
B.

Hi A.,
I'll try to be brief b/c I see you've got tons of responses. I have a son the same age who also gives me a "smart" responses sometimes about collaborating in the house. When he asks why he has to do something my answer is simply, "We all live in this house, we all take care of it. Sometimes I do things for you, sometimes you do things for me. Even if you didn't do it, I might ask you to clean something up -- just like sometimes I clean up after you even if I didn't make the mess. We are a family, we all do for each other, and we also all clean up after ourslves. It's called collaboration, it's also called self-sufficiency."

I tell you this b/c you said that you don't have a comeback for why your son should do something or why cleaning the house isn't just your job. That's why, in my opinion. Good luck! Teaching this now goes a long way in the future.

Whether a parent works "at home" or "away from the home" does not matter. Mature, responsible adults take on their fair share of "after hours" work, that still needs to be done.
How they split that up is up to them, but should be as close to 50/50 as possible. Anything other than that is not a healthy relationship. Children learn by example, so this is crucial on several levels.
Lastly, you and your husband are equal partners in this family "business". You both "head" the family. You are a Team.
That, is a mature relationship and the example that should be set for children. Doing otherwise sends the wrong message and is counterproductive in raising responsible, self respecting children to adulthood.

Dear A.,
WOW, what great advice, I have NEVER seen so many responses. Take the time, they are ALL very good...
HERE however is MY take on it. Been there done that~
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
You stated that you are a SAHM. Which stands for Stay at home Mom. Not a stay at home MAID. Yes, I do believe it is EVERYONE's responsibility to participate in the every day activities of a home. As head of the household it is your husband who apparently has taken the "role" of the breadwinner.
Thus YOU are now the MANAGER of your home. Every good manager knows that she cannot do it alone. When the workload is heavy, call in more teammembers. IF your team is unequipped, too "new" (little by age:o) and require additional time/ training in their positions, or otherwise inadequate in accomplishing the job successfully....
IT is TIME FOR REINFORCEMENTS!
Call in some friends or a local "Mom group" who can help you re-instate the expectations for cleanliness in your HOME business. This would be the cheapest route, however, it may be time for some professional help which costs more upfront, but can achieve the desired result much quicker in order to give you a place to start.

Now as for your hubby. I would view him / his position as one of the "BIG BOSS" ...(don't rake me over the coals here ladies, just a figure of speech. )
When I was in management we would have weekly, monthly, quarterly visits from those folks from the home office, thus "checking up on things" to ensure all was going according to plan and to verify we were up to speed, and clear on the expectations.

Then as an area leader, I left my core-team to visit the other stores in the area to pass along and clarify the expectations with those managers. I would "work their store" as if it were my own while I was there in order to give me a true sense of how they were running their business. BUT as for the training of that team,...it was THAT manager's job to teach them what my expectations were ...it was MY job to SHOW them by example. The managers then would pass it along to their teams daily in my absence, and so on. I couldn't be there every day , every minute of the day. But sometimes I would have to "fill in" if it was a new store setting or we had a change over of staff, or vision, etc. But this was never permanent. That's Business~

In Life, the House/Wife/Children is only just part of your FAMILY business. Your husband goes to HIS boss and gathers the finances/ THAT IS HIS ROLE...
The HOUSE and CHILDREN is YOUR AREA of the FAMILY BUSINESS. He is the head "breadwinner" BUT HE is in a sense (very loose sense) "paying" you to RUN the home/children by providing for the bills / and etc.. that it costs to run a household/family business.

However, it is HIS responsibility to make those expectations clear by SETTING the EXAMPLE of his expectations whenever the teammembers are present/ or he is IN the family business... or at HOME :O).
THUS being THE HEAD EXAMPLE of his expectations....

Now whether he likes it or not... he HAS indeed accomplished this in the eyes of his children....through their actions they express the example HE has set for them. Unfortuneatly he has not chosen well, do you think?

It is NOT your job to care for him as his Mother. He has/had one of those. He IS however responsible to set forth the expectations for his children's responsibilty. They are not just children, they are future adults.How would HE feel if he started a new job and the boss just said welcome aboard and left him alone just to "figure it out for himself", no training, no expectations set up for what he was supposed to "do".

Each person has a role. You and hubby need to better define these roles. YOU need better expectations laid out for you from him, and he needs your expectations of him...and the kids etc. That's life.

HIRE someone to help you get on top of it for now, and then once the routine has been established and all parties have been given the expectations, yes, it IS Manager Mom's responsibility to follow through, follow through, follow through.........and when those expectations are not met. ~ In Business, a warning is issued two separate times, and then if not met then, ...Well, then the BIG BOSS :O) is called in for review of those expectations once again.... and they are most likely fired. Now in life, we cannot fire :O) or let go of our family members... LOL, but this gives you a plan of attack atleast.

When I began staying home and was RIGHT where YOU are now.... Hubby said to me " Why can't you RUN THIS PLACE, like you would run one of your stores? "....
I said ,"because I can't fire you or my kids@! " LOL ...
BUT , as I giggle again on that,
That is when it hit me and Manager Mom stepped up to the plate. I prepared a plan, took my proposal to him, and he was so impressed ~ HE stepped up to the plate. (Relatively that is how it happened) He actually does waaaaay less then he has ever done because of his example. My children are 9 1/2 , 6 1/2 , and 4 1/2 !!!! he is the reinforcer.Although my oldest complains that she is the only one of her friends that has to do all these chores, I tell her she is probably the ONLY one of her friends that gets paid what she does for her "life role" too. Even our 4 1/2 yr old has job expectations set aside for her. Whatever the task is, the quality of the finished product is HUGE!The finished job then receives a fair and adequate wage for services rendered which is age/time in service / job type appropriate :O) ! .... I am not a calendar person, because every day lends itself to different tasks, so it is a come and go propistion, but it works for us. They do the work WITH Mom & DAD, Dad then reviews with MOM how those jobs were accomplished throughout the week, and DAD pays them for their job well done or docks their pay according to those expectations.
This is all relative and not exact...and not so cold sounding, but in my mind this is how it works. Dad is a huge softy in my opinion, so only when the house is in shambles by the end of the week is he up to stepping in with the whole "loss of pay" ordeal. :O) It is fun though... and has made cleaning and just normal daily "life" much more hectic because everyone has something at stake. When the youngest doesn't really have anything that she CAN do for that moment, our joke is that HER job is to work on "just being cute". So she takes this role VERY seriously because of the "pay factor" and will literally, go and change her clothing for the job and pose and make gestures and walk around like a princess :O)....She will also expect me to "follow through" with how she is "doing". "How's this Mommy" ,she'll say~ to which then she will strike a pose of cuteness as if getting her picture taken.
Which then makes us all laugh ~
Develop a plan and work it!

HTH~
SaraR.

raisinggodlytomatoes.com best site ive ever seen. well for me this worked and my children are 2 1/2 3 1/2 and ive tried this and have hardly any problems with obedience..

Hi A.,

I read some of the responses, and they are all good. I don't think I know one mom who hasn't had problems organizing her time and household duties while making time for herself, YET. Even ones with maids, or lots of money to keep kids busy and out of the house and from making messes have a hard time balancing time and family and self. I'm a mom of 6 and I've done chore charts, jars with beads so they can visibly and tangibly see their choices. One jar was negative and beads earned here equalled to consequences or privileges given or taken away. Each child had a different color bead and they would earn points for doing things like making their own bed or getting ready for school on time. Extra points/beads were given for doing something without me asking them. They would have a chart on the wall with various chores or responsibilities, anything from making their bed, getting ready on time. Loading or unloading the dishwasher, putting away their clean laundry (for the older ones doing their own laundry). Picking up their toys, doing homework, etc. You can be creative. At the end of the day we would tally the beads and I would mark it in my spiral notebook. Negative beads were given for tantrums, fighting with siblings, not being on time in the morning, etc. At the end of the day we could see where everyone was at, at a personal level, and it helped the younger ones with math, counting with me. So, the next day when one child wanted to go to a friend's house and one wanted to go too, but had not met the goals for the previous day, they NEW they didn't even have to ask, the answer was no and to the one who was good, the answer of course was yes. They didn't have to ask, they knew where they stood. Now, this didn't mean I did/do not have a lot of work to do. It's incredible the amount of housework that I have to do. But it's the only way our household works, I can't do it all. And until our income level goes up, I'm not able to get a maid to come in at least once a week to help with the laundry and kitchen, which are my only two biggest obstacles.

Now, my hubby used to leave his stuff around until I had a sit down talk with him on how that made me feel and it hurt our relationship plus set up a terrible example for our children now and later in life when they are married. It also made me too busy to spend valuable time with him as a couple, and when he just sat around and treated me like a personal assistant and maid, it hindered my desire of intimacy in our relationship because I was too irritated or tired. Our talk made him think about how he was treating me and overwhelming me and teaching our boys that it's OK to treat their wives like that in the future (which could cause serious marital problems for them) or our girls that it was OK to just be treated like their feelings or own health(lack of sleep from being overworked) didn't matter so they would settle for this role when they became a mom or wife.

I wish you the best and I hope that you know, that sometimes you will have to try many different approaches to this subject before you find something that works for your family. Don't give up, at least from this thread you know you are not alone.

PS We decided when we could, we were getting our 18 month old in mothers day out and hiring help once our budget can afford it, but that won't mean the kids can be slobs or that our home can be messy, awaiting some poor woman to come in and have to clean our messes.

I am not a SAHM, I do work full-time. With that being said, I don't think that your husband realizes how much of a "job" being a mom really is. I try to get a majority of my house cleaning done on the weekends and it is a real struggle to get the cleaning done. I even find myself staying up extra late just to try to make the house look presentable. My husband just took a job where he works from home now and it has really helped him see where I am coming from. My children still go to daycare, Daddy is still working even if he is at home, but when he needs a break or has a free moment, he takes care of a few chores for me. He now does all of the cooking (he is a much better cook than I am anyway), he does all of the laundry, and he helps out with a few other things here and there. He's not perfect by any means, but he has seen that it is hard work to juggle spending time with kids, chasing them around, and trying to get house work done. So, I think that he needs to see how a "normal" day is as a SAHM and realize that it all can't be done and that if he is wanting everything done then he needs to pitch in as well. Good luck!

I used to be a stay at home mom. My take on it is simple, yes it is my job to clean the house. Cleaning the house does not mean picking up everyone's clothes and putting it in the basket. It does not mean putting dishes in the sink. It doesn't mean removing everyone's clutter. It means cleaning the kitchen, bathrooms, dusting, vaccuume and moping. These tasks don't take as long as you would imagine if you are not dealing with clutter.

When my ex used to say cleaning was my job I pointed out that picking up after him and the kids was not a part of cleaning. After that I stopped doing laundry that wasn't in the hampers and would not clean a room that was not picked up. I am a neat freak so I assure you this was hell. Everyone caught on but my ex, can't imagine why I divorced such a nice man.

Yes and No. It would be nice if the kids (and men) could and would clean up after themselves. But, I also am a SAHM and if my husband is working to pay for ALL the bills and I am the lucky one who doesn't have to get out of the house and dress up for work, then my job is to TAKE CARE OF THE HOME. It's a fine line. What I do ask for is help with the kids.....he's the dad, he does need and should give the quality time with the kids. I figure if I can get through one basket of clothes and not have to break up a fight, then that's helping out. You have to figure out a situation that works.

A., I feel your pain. I'm having the same issues with my dear husband. I quit my teaching career of 18 years to move here so that my husband could take his dream job. We have 3 kids, 11, 7 and 4. I am constantly picking up clutter left from the kids and him. It irritates me so much. He's made numerous remarks about how the house looks worse now than when I was working. He thinks I don't do anything during the day except read or watch tv. I've started keeping a daily log of my activities so He can see that I'm not a couch potato---but that's another story. I'm compulsive enough to keep it clean, but the clutter is impossible to manage, plus having to do laundry, cook meals AND be a mom to my kids. I'm more exhausted now than I ever was while I was working. He wonders what I do all day because the house doesn't look the way he expects it to look when he gets home every night. I'm about to pull my hair out! He NEVER cleans or straightens anything--never has, even when I worked. My theory on my husband's reaction to our situation is that he subconsciously resents that I get to stay home while he has to go to work. He has always been that way in the past when I was off in the summer months. His mother never worked and he hated that. He's not the "a woman's place is in the home" type of guy. I really don't have any suggestions except maybe to get your older child involved in light chores daily. My kids resisted immensely at first, but they know they HAVE to help or I start taking away privileges. I'm very fair about it though. They have at least an hour to do whatever they want to do when they get home from school. After that, they have certain age appropriate chores such as emptying dishwasher, swiffering kitchen, emptying all trash bins from bathrooms, bringing dirty clothes to laundry room, putting clean clothes away, straightening cluttered bedrooms, washing windows, dusting, and the list goes on. I usually have them do at least one chore a day, sometimes more, if I need it. I was doubtful that this would really help much since I tend to go back behind them to see if they did what I asked thoroughly or not, but every little bit DOES help. Even my 4 yr. old asks to do chores! I hate having to make a schedule since I used to be SO busy all the time, but designating certain days for certain jobs has helped me too. I hope you can find a balance and get the help you need. Good luck!

To answer to your "what happened?" You can't make your kid do it. But you can make him have consequences for not helping. Set up new house rules. Everyone does chores. If mom has to do them then they pay you. So offer him a choice, you can either wipe down the counter or you can pay me to do it. Then he pays you with either money or a loved toy. When they actually disappear permanently, he'll get the idea. Either way you are happy (you get paid! or you gethim to help). Check out Loveandlogic.com. I think they have a book specifically for helping and it will CHANGE the way you parent. Good luck!

as a wife n mom u have a 27/7 job. as a working father u do ur 8 or 10 then come home. i think a husband/father has a little responsibility to help at home. he is still a father n should do his time too as moms n wives dont get to stop after 8 hours. ( our work is never done lol). of course this is just my opinion.

A. I do NOT believe that this all falls on you to do - it isn't YOUR home, it's the FAMILY home. The FAMILY can help keep it clean. That being said, you really need to clean your clutter yourself. Once the clutter is gone, the actual cleaning is very easy to keep up.

Have you ever heard of FlyLady? You can check her out on www.flylady.net for some really good ideas about de-cluttering and cleaning your home. Be prepared though - if you sign up for her e-mail list (a great idea if you need reminders) - they will be overwhelming at first. Hang in there - IT GETS EASIER!

There really isn't any reason that the kids can't help clean. We use the timer idea in our home, and my son (2 1/2) helps clean too. He dusts - not perfectly, but good enough - and helps mommy "clean" with a spray bottle of water and a microfiber cloth. He even has his own little broom and dust pan to help clean up messes on the hardwood floors. Make it fun for the kids, and make sure they know this isn't going to be an all day thing. Once the timer goes off, you stop, no matter if it's finished or not. Play for a while, then set the timer again if you need to. Once your husband sees progess being made he shouldn't complain when you ask him for help.

Hope this helps!

First I am going to have to say, with the kindest intention: you are responsible for cleaning up after yourself. It is also a great idea to model cleaning up after yourself to your children and they will learn to clean up after themselves.

If you hate house cleaning they maybe you would feel happier working part time to pay a maid?

Also, you can let the house get a bit dirtier until you have the time to clean. Generally nagging and complaining will cause a rift in your relationship wqith your husband and it is very sad to see things end over housework.

I recommend Love and Logic for Early Childhood by Jim & Charles Fay (You can even find it in the library so you don't have to buy it until you know if you like it).
The book has given me some excellent advice for my 4 year old.
The idea behind the book is to make the child's mess the child's problem not yours.

Although you cannot get your child to DO the house cleaning, you can take steps to free up YOUR TIME for cleaning.

There are two options here:
1. Ask you child if he would like to clean the mess up with a towel or with a sponge. Let him choose the options. If he leaves the towel on the counter ask him if he would like to throw it in the garbage inside or the garbage outside. (the idea is not to worry if the mess is cleaned up to your standards right away - children will get better at cleaning up after themselves.

I can't write the book here, but I can say it has helped me understand what my daughter is thinking. It has also put me in a position of not having to run around after her all day long wearing myself out. Now our time together is more fun and relaxing. That makes a big difference and we are both happier.

I cannot say much about the chore division between you and your husband, there are many options here:

The basic idea uis to find a way to make you feel less frustrated. Fighting probably won't help. However, you can find a solution that satisfies you.

S.

Hi A.,
I would agree that the managing of the household chores falls into the stay-home-parents realm. However, that doesn't mean you do everything. My 9-year-old's chores include: loading the dishwasher, walking the dog, feeding our fish, cleaning the bathroom he uses, cleaning his room (putting away toys, clothes & making bed & vacuuming) and watering potted plants outside. He works about a half-hour a day on these things. My 13-year-old does yard work (mow, weed whack, blow leaves off patio, rake), puts dishes away, washes his own clothes, takes care of his own mouse, feeds the dog, picks up dog poop, keeps his room clean and vacuums the house once a week and wet swiffers once a week. Neither one is a great at housekeeping. Poop in the yard is missed, the rooms are not always exactly clean, but they are contributing and getting better at their chores. It's also worth mentioning that my 13-year-old was born a "strong-willed" child and I really mean that. It WAS NOT easy to get him to do his chores and 9 was a real struggle. We started with just one daily chore that he had to do. I tried everything to get him to do it and it was really hard. So hang in there. I remember resorting to a time out in a shower stall and he couldn't come out till he was ready to do the chore. That worked pretty well. It got boring in there (no toys). I made sure to take out the soap, shampoo, etc. He learned that I really meant it when I said to do his chore. I also used some of the Super Nanny time-out techniques on him when he was 9. I thought he might be too old for that, but it worked well, especially if done just how she teaches it: warning, time out explaining offence, a minute per age in years, then another explanation of why the time out was given, an apology & a hug. Before watching that show, I was always asking the child, "Why are you in time out?" and not getting good answers - adding to my frustration. Taking that element out of the time out made it so much better and ending on a hug was so much more positive than yelling, "Your times up!"
Just know that the more you help your son to contribute, the better man he will be for it. And, if necessary, you should be able to call Dad on the phone to talk to him and Dad should back you up and tell your son that must do what you say.
My advice would to be with starting with the childs room. Work on sorting/organizing the clothes if that is a problem. You have to teach what needs to be hung up, that clothes should be sorting into proper drawers, dirty clothes go in the hamper, things that don't fit go in the donation or garage sale box. Then go through the books, what to keep, what's no longer age-appropriate and should be donated. Then do the same with toys. Once you've gone through together it might be fun to have a garage sale and let him keep the earnings from his stuff. Or go and donate to the local thrift store and then browse around to see if there's anything he'd like to buy there. Then make cleaning the room a Saturday chore (or whatever works for you). I will throw away what is left on the floor if they tell me it is clean and it's not. Next I'd work on doing the kitchen together. If he throws himself on the floor, I'd put him in time out till he's ready to help. You are getting to a point where this child will be growing up very quickly and you will soon lose your size advantage. So I hope you can gain control because I don't know what you do with a man-child who will not listen if you have not firmly established that it is your house and your rules go.
Oh, I should also mention that at age 11 we started letting our 11-year-old mow (we paid him for it) and he soon learned to use all the lawn equipment. Now, at 13, he has two yard clients that pay him $10/hour to weed & mow at their homes. Both are in their 70s and just love him and he is really helping that out at a much cheaper rate than a lawn service and he LOVES earning $10/hour. It really rewarding to me to see him take some of these skills out into the world.
Good luck to you!

A little story. When she was a mom with very young children, she hired someone to come once a week to clean the house. She considered this her day off. When the children were a little older, she no longer needed the help because the children, as well as her husband, all pick up after themselves and, occasionally, pitch in to do a big job together. However, at one point, when the family had moved from Colorado to Texas, the mom felt she needed extra help for a time. One day while she was finishing dressing, a new lady came for an interview. The seven-year-old began showing the lady what his mom would expect in the way of cleaning. One thing he said was, she will want you to move the canisters and clean behind and under them, not just clean the front of the counter. This is a kid who is very observant and one who had been shown exactly how his mother wanted things done. But, listen to this, the father in the family believes that whomever cooks, shouldn't have to clean up, too, so he is the first one up from the table carrying his dishes to the kitchen where he rinses the dishes and loads the dishwasher. Everyone pitches in to clear the table, put food away, etc. It makes fast work of all of it. Then everyone can play. And, that is a part of his philosophy. Work hard, play hard. There is always a reward for diligence. And, just so you know, these folks have a home that they keep without outside help but rather just with consistency. The outside help was always just for a period of time. No one feels overwhelmed and no one feels like a servant. They feel like family where everyone works for the good of all. I pray your family will come to enjoy a lifestyle such as this. There are many rewards. Please don't expect this to happen overnight, but with patience and perseverance and prayer,I believe you can remold your family and find greater joy. (Note: the father in the family I have described works a 40 hour plus week, runs, works out, is a camper, a hunter, an archer, etc. He manages to bring his family into all of these activities in one way or another.)

I have been a SAHD for the past 6 yrs. I handle most of the house & kid responsibilities. But, my wife does help out when she is home.
It is unfortunate that there are so many men that still think the old ways, that women are responsible for the house & kids, & they don't need, or shouldn't need to help out.
Here are a few things to try with your husband if he is willing to invest a little time.
The first is a Bible Study Group called "MEN OF IRON". It teaches men how to be strong for God, & how to treat their wife, family, & anyone else they meet in life. The web site is www.menofironnetwork.com .
The book that this group uses, at least in my church, is "As Iron Sharpens Iron" by Howard & William Hendricks
The next is a movie now available on DVD called "FIREPROOF". There is also a book that the movie is based on. Another book that goes with this is "THE LOVE DARE". These can be found at http://www.familychristian.com . Hope these help.

I can't speak to the husband. Hopefully he's really great about doing all the yard jobs and "manly" chores. As for your son, there is a great book that will help you a ton. It's called "How to fix your kids by Friday." I think I paid $10 for it at Costco and it was worth every penny. It's very light reading and filled with common sense. I had an epiphany with my own kids after reading it. I implemented one of the recommendations which was to dock their allowance for "maid service" and "pet sitting" when my kids don't have the rooms clean by Saturday night or "forgot" to take care of their pets. It was very effective. Also in general, we figure out what my kids value and use that as an incentive. Currently, if they fail to turn in homework on time, they lose all screen time (tv, video, computer) until the following week when homework is due again. It's amazing how much better they are at planning and organizing their time when they have that extra incentive.

my DH helped out more when the kids were little, now that they are older and help out with chores he doesn't do many but will help out once in a while but he works 3-11 PM so is gone from 1:30-midnight so he isn't home a lot to help out especially with the kids but he does call when he gets a break and checks on us and if I need him to talk to them about doing their chores he will talk to them and they listen to him so that helps a lot. You need to work on getting your kids to help out now.. yes they are old enough to help. My kids have been keeping their rooms picked up since they were little which helps a lot. They have to have all their toys picked up before they go to bed at night or the rule is if I step on one when I check on them later then I will pick up the toy and throw it in the trash so they learned early that toys need to be picked up every day.
Here is a little chart that may help you pick some chores for your kids or this is about the age my kids started doing these things.

age 4, dusting, vacuuming, taking out trash, picking up their room.
age 5 loading dishwasher, wiping baseboards, putting clothes away.
around age 7. carrying down laundry and sorting it by whites, light colors, dark colors, jeans, towels, delicate dress clothes.
age 8 helping cook dinner, wash laundry, sweep and mop kitchen floor, fold towels.
age 10 clean bathrooms (although probably could do this earlier--especially with the antibacterial wipes but do a pretty good job by this age where you won't have to go over it.
mowing lawn--could probably by age 8 but depends on how strong your child is as far as pushing the lawnmower and how much they know or understand about safely using it.

Now our kids are 16, 13, and 8 and can do everything. If I am gone and need dinner fixed, I will call and one of them will make it. I usually make them a daily chore list with 1-2 chores on it for each child and they usually have them done within 10-15 minutes and seems to work well. We all work together and as long as everyone does something everyday nothing seems overwhelming and the house doesn't get that bad. Now as far as the clutter we have a bit of a problem with that as well. Our house is only 1000 square feet and doesn't have big closets or many places to store things so my computer desk is usually cluttered but is a roll top so can close it for fast hiding but I do try to de-clutter it once a month at least or around tax time when I can put the stuff away for good. We do the best we can but as far as the house being clean, it is pretty good most of the time. We have a very busy life. The kids are very involved in several activities and I am very involved at church and also sub part-time at the schools so we are on the go a lot so having everyone work a little each day really helps stay on top of everything. Laundry seems to be the thing that can get out of control if we don't do a load or 2 everyday.
Since we have such busy activities, I started a chore chart several years ago for the kids and pay them a little for each chore. .50 for dishes, wiping down table and counters, trash, folding a load of laundry, dusting per room, vacuuming main floor, sweep and mop hardwood floors, .25 for each load of laundry washed, vacuuming room downstairs, 2.00 for each bathroom if very clean, 5.00 to mow or shovel snow, 2.00 for cleaning out vehicles--vacuum, clean windows and dash.
there are a few others too but this is just an example. I mainly started this so I could see how much they were helping out and when they need money for their trips and youth outings it comes off their chores so they need to work for their trips, campouts, movies, and any other outings that come along.
I do not pay them for cleaning their room or putting their clothes away. I feel this is their responsibility and if they don't keep it clean and I have to clean it then I charge them for cleaning it up and is usually 1.00 fee or if really bad can be more but most of the time they keep their rooms picked up and I don't have to clean them very often.
When the kids started helping more--it relieved a lot of work from me and don't have to worry about doing all the housecleaning now but is very helpful when the kids are little to have some help and if your hubby can't help then maybe you can hire a housecleaner 1-2 times a month and have them do the extra stuff you don't have time for.
You do need to talk to your hubby about your feelings and see if he will put in 10 minutes of his time a day to do one or 2 chores to help out even if vacuuming, taking out trash, helping the kids pick up their toys, putting a load of clothes in the washer, or washing dishes. I really don't think 10 minutes is a lot to ask and maybe do a different chore everyday.

A.,
Wow! You've had a lot of responses! I probably could have written the same post as you a few months ago...(Except that I only have an 18 month old). I've had to change my perspective though, to stay sane! I am happy to be at home with my daughter, but I see my title as "CFO" Chief Family Officer...not simply SAHM (Stay at home mom).
I am a mom AND a wife and my duties do include having fun and playing and teaching my daughter, but they also include making the house a "home" while my husband works outside the home. That DOES NOT mean that I'm going to be treated like a maid though! My husband is VERY messy...and I feel like a broken record. He takes things out, won't put them back where he found them, towels on the floor, dishes on the computer desk, no toilet paper in the bathrooms when it runs out, won't even wipe the counter or floor if he spills something. To put it simply, he's a slob, but I knew that before I married him. I finally realized that he doesn't even notice messes!!! So after years of asking, begging, nagging, pleading, I've accepted these things won't change. BUT when he DOES do something...like take the trash out or wipe a mess or clear the table, mow the lawn, shovel the driveway...I approach it almost like with a child...I PRAISE HIM and tell him how much I appreciate it, how much I RESPECT him for providing for us and helping me at home. It really works! He seems to be doing more and more without my asking when I take this approach. Now, in my head, I'm thinking..."Why do I have to praise him for wiping pee off the toilet seat...it should be a given, right?", but I guess you just have to find what works. I've also found, with this approach, our home is a happier, more peaceful place. Now, please know my house is usually somewhat messy and lived in (I do my best to just keep it NOT DIRTY) and there are more smiles than ever. My husband is not a stickler and wouldn't care if the house was always a messy disaster area, but I cannot live that way and it's not healthy. I try to have "catch up days" where I do some more intense cleaning while he plays with our daughter if I got behind during the week because of illness or a busy schedule. If your hubby tends to complain that it's not to his standards, that's when I'd really sit down and have a talk. He probably just has no idea how much work being CFO really is!
So my thought is, no, it's NOT ALL your job, but a lot of it does fall into your job description as CFO. Try to embrace it and enjoy what you can and use this time to teach your kids to help you and it will give them tools that will help them their whole lives through (not to mention VERY attractive to future spouses! LOL)

Why is it all on you, or your husband even? I would recommend reading the book Positive Discipline A-Z (these techniques work on adults too). You may not agree with all of the ides, but there is a great listing on chores and at what age who can do what. The book also mentions charts. All the chores for the day are listed on a board. Everyone must do one or two of them and then cross it off. No one is assigned a chore, they just pick the two that are left. Cleaning is for the family and not just delegated to one person. Also, if your husband feels he should be excluded find out why. It will be much harder to get your kids to do chores if others are exempt. If you are okay with him not pitching in, then do the chores during the day so that you could make a race with your kids to get the house picked up before daddy gets home.

Good luck and happy reading.

Being a stay at home mom is a blessing and with a husband working, I can see how he may feel that way. If he makes a mess above and beyond what i would consider normal, my husband cleans it up. He also maintains his entertainment center, keeping it tidy maybe not as tidy as i would.

I believe that the house is mine to manage. That means that I know what needs to be done and it is my job to see that it gets done. Getting it done may mean giving chores to the little ones or asking for help from the hubby. however the amount of help I have asked for is limited to only a few chores. He takes out the garbage and picks up his piles of stuff but typically not until he is asked. It is a system that works for us.

If your husband is making messes that is out of the norm, or not picking up after himself then I would say it is an issue. If on the other hand he is working full time and keeping his things picked up I dont see a problem with it. His job is outside of the home, yours is in the home. You are your own boss, and you can decide when something is cleaned and when it isnt.

I would not think it is worth fighting over. Your kids are old enough to help. I may be on the other side of this issue but I would tend to agree with him. If you were working outside of the home I could see where this would be a problem, but if you are there during the day, I can see his point.

Being a mom is not our job it is our duty, just like being a dad is his duty. He works and he is a dad. You work, at home cooking and cleaning, and you are a mom. The job is one that is never ending but it is what it is. What a blessing it is to have it as a trade off though. I woke up this morning to snow and cold, I did not have to get up and go out. I am willing to make that trade off.

Wow! What a great question! My husband and I just fought about this two days ago! We've also fought about it in the past, this is just the most recent.
I looked at him and straight-faced told him that I'm done being his maid. He got defensive and asked me what I meant. I told him that I'm done cleaning up after him. I'm done picking up pop cans that are left all over the house, espeially by the computer. I said that if the kids spill the pop cans on the keyboard, it's his fault, because I'm done. I'm done rinsing his dishes. If they're not rinsed, they're going to sit in the sink with me nagging at him everyday to do it because I'm sick of dishes coming out of the dishwasher dirty all the time because he leaves salsa sitting in it. I've been done cleaning up his clothes for a couple of weeks now. If he doesn't put them in the basket, they don't get washed. All of a sudden he realizes that he has no clean clothes. I don't mind doing the laundry, I'm just sick of searching all over because he doesn't clean them up. He learned on that one.
I also told him that if he wants a maid, to move back in with him mom because she has always cleaned up after her 4 boys. Always!! Even after we got together, she would clean his room for him and pick up his clothes. I'm not his mom. Drove me nuts! He didn't like that I said that to him, but he's cleaned up after himself and rinsed his dishes. We'll see how long it lasts.
Stay strong! Don't be afraid to stand up to him a bit. He may think it's your job to do the cleaning, but he doesn't have to be so unhelpful to you. Sometimes, you need to say the things that you're thinking. Even if it's to make you feel better!

Your kiddos are at the perfect age to help with chores. My four and six year old wipe the sinks and love to clean the inside of the toilet with the clorox toilet wand. We have a certain time everyday that are set aside for chores. Often, I set the timer and we race to see if we can get one room done under so much time. They love that and feel proud of themselves when it's done. We also have a small vacuum that is perfect for the kids to operate, not too big and bulky. Something that I see a lot in the books I read and research I see on the internet is do not pay them for their chores done. If it's one of YOUR chores they do for you, sure give them an allowance...but, they need to know that cleaning and keeping up the house is a family job, not just your job.
Maybe you can ask your husband what chores he thinks is fair for him to do and if you have to remind him, that's ok...eventually he'll do it w/o reminding and then you have to praise him like there's no tomorrow!

No , you are not the maid , I know where your comming from , I work 2 jobs , and my husband has been laid off sence Nov. , but when I get home after he's been home all day not doing anything but running doing what ever he wants , I still have to cook , clean , do the wash , help the kids with the home work , while he likes to watch tv . So one day I told him he really needs to help out , these are his children to , and even when he did work he still didn't do anything , so I stopped doing his wash , and his dishes , he does help alittle more now that he's on his own with his stuff , but you just have to make them understand ! No mine still don't do much , but it's taking some off me by him doing his own stuff , and my 10 yr. old has to help as well as my 7 yr. old and my 6 yr. old , they have had chores sence they have been about 4 , yes they where little at first like picking up all their toys , helping sort the cloths for washing , that also helps teach them their colors , and now they help , with the dish washer , the laundrey , making dinner , cleaning the bathroom , putting their cloths away , making bed , what ever I need my 3 can do , not only that it teaches them to be clean , and they like helpping , it makes them feel more growen up , and as for the husbands the kids help better then he does ! Hope this helps

What you want to demonstrate to your children is that housework/cleaning up is everyone's responsibility, because everyone lives in the house.

I have always found that when you present children with a task and then say, "This needs to be done before (something they want to do - watch tv, play video games etc.) happens."

It puts completing the task in their control (you no longer need to remind them) but has a built-in incentive (they want to do the fun stuff, so they get the task done).

The hard part is to watch and wait. Don't hover, don't argue with them. Repeat the above statement and go about your business but make sure you follow through. When they complete the task, thank them and move on.

I highly recommend the book "The Secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf. It will make your life tremendously easier.

Good luck and hang in there.

T. Y
SAHM of three (8, almost 7 and 14 months)

If it really bothers you that much just sit down with your husband and tell him you can't handle all of this and really need some help. I'm sure if you talk to him and tell him how you feel, he'll help you a little. Tell him your true feelings and don't be nasty and nagging or you won't get any help. I see so many bitter women on here and more than likely they just keep their feelings to themselves and expect their husbands to be mind readers.

So when your 3rd grader is at school and presuming you have the 4.5 yr old in some sort of pre-school/mommy's day out program, what do you do with that time? That would be the perfect time to get that house dusted. I work FT, and after 10 years of marriage, just recently got a cleaning lady. Sometimes you just have to be strong and get up an hour earlier or go to bed an hour later once a week, and make that time dedicated to cleaning the house. I do believe that it is your responsibility as a SAHM to manage the house. Go to the internet for some organizing ideas to make your clean-up easier for you.

I'm also a Sahm of 2 kiddos and 1 more on the way.When i'am pregnant I do alot less and as time nears for the due date the last trimester and getting bigger I rest.The bathroom gets cleaned but only a deep cleaning once in a while I stay on top of clutter and get my kids to help my son is 5 and he picks up his own mess sometimes without being told and for my daughter I have to be on her she is only 2 but it is important that she helps put toys away.What is helping me keep a clean house most of the time is I HATE CLUTTER,I don't like dishes to pile up somethimes it can't be helped and the laundry it never ends.Also go into each room and get rid of what you don't need expired broken kids don't play with anymore and toss it and don't look back.I don't like to cook that much and my husband hates it because he wants food at least being prepared or ready when he gets home from work I get so mad because he doesn't see what I have done the rest of the day and his comeback is well your a SAHM and it is your duty to get things done around the house the store food on the table.At least my work is inside and not out he does all that there is know way that I could.SO my advice to you is you can let things go competely in your home and hope that he helps or get a few things done everyday.By the way when my husband gripes that he doesn't have underware in his drawer and his clothes are all clean but in the basket when he gets up in the morning I just say well they aren't dirty I just forgot to bring them up

I'm not sure what to do about your husband (other then the nasty comments) You could ask him to at least clean up after himself. He is a big boy now. I leave my husband home alone with the kids for a whole day every once in a while like to go Christmas shopping. It seems to remind him how hard my job actually is. (My kids like it because they get to eat Pop Tarts for all three meals. LOL) As for the 3rd grader, chores are a great way to instill responsiblity. My third grader has to keep his room clean, his bathroom neat, feed the cats, and set and clear the table. Also 4 1/2 is definately old enough to set the table and put toys away.

I hope this helps

Hi A.,

You have some reading to do apparently:)

Just wanted to share with you what I was taught. My mom would tell me, if I wash the dishes, then I should wipe up the counters, stove and the table too. It's a package deal. Teach your son that too. Explain it to him like this...What good is it to take a bath, if your gonna just clean your feet or just wash wash your hair? If your gonna take the time to wash one area, might as well clean the whole package and feel better in the end. Maybe your hubby can understand that too. Anyhow, does he think he is on vacation where he just has to come home and get R and R? Where is your R and R?

Good luck!

I am a SAHM of one and one on the way - I am pretty good about tiding up around the house, but bring in a housekeeper once or twice a month to do the "real" cleaning. My hubby is fine with it and enjoys the fact that we can have family time together without stressing over housecleaning. Yes it is a little extra money, but so well worth it. My money not only pays for a clean house, but also more family time and less stress on me (which in turn leaves my husband with a "kinder" wife . . .hee hee) I still clean up a little here and there, and by the way so does my husband. He has no problem with pitching in on chores. We also have certain chores that our four year old does (i.e. fold laundry, put away dishes, empty trash bins) Myself and my husband both agree that spending time with our daughter far exceeds the importance of a sparkling toilet bowl. Fourteen years from now I'm sure I'll be more proud at raising a great kid - not having a clean restroom. Best of luck, I hope the counseling will help your husband see that shared responsibility benefits the whole family, not just you.

first let me tell you - i am NOT a good housekeeper!!

that said, i think getting the kids/father involved in decluttering is a fantastic way to get the whole family into cleaning, on a larger scale than daily, to get rid of the stuff that's making your life miserable. take old toys to goodwill, get rid of stuff you haven't looked at in 10 years (2 years or 6 mos would be even better, but at my house it's 10 years. usually LOL). have a heart to heart about the stuff that is going to stay - 'really' sentimental, or is it just an attachment for no real good reason?

and i agree w/ the few posts i've read that you've got to be stern w/ your son about his participation. turn everything off and make it very quiet in the house, let him get bored and then he should 'get it' that if he helps, he can get some privileges. they are PRIVILEGES, not rights. let him earn them.

just remember, if you son grows up the way he is now, he's going to make someone a bad husband. do you want that for him? to be arguing about housework w/ his wife? it's on you to bring him up to be a happy man, and that starts now.

good luck!

OUCH! No, you are not a maid. I can see that when we are home we take on the majority of the house details, but you are not the only one living there and you are not the only one making the messes.

Getting the kids to help will take 2 things, one you have to stand up to them, and two your husband has to back you up. If your husband isn't on board it's time to get him there. You don't have to be mean or nag or even yell. Just take a week off, go on vacation... visit the relatives or somewhere with a girl friend and leave the kids with him. Make sure the house is clean when you leave, and he knows you expect it to be that way when you get back. DO NOT make precooked meals for him, this is a learning experience. Odds are he will will catch on fast!

One thing that helps me motivate the kids, especially boys... we eat dinner late, generally around 7. If the kids homework or chores aren't done by dinner they get to eat a cold meal well after everyone else is done. It doesnt happen often, but if I am going to take time to make a meal and do my share, they will take time to do theirs as well.

With older kids, I give them more and more responsibilities until they move out because I want them to know how to take care of things when I'm not there everyday to help. So younger ones help sort laundry and older ones do their own. They wear the clothes, they can wash them. At 15 they have to start cooking once a week so they know how. Trust me, this is one that is easier done by mom, but an invaluable learning tool. Then, once a week everyone helps sweep, vacuum, scrub and the like, even the 3 yr old "helps". General picking up has to be done daily or I would be burried alive, and that just isn't going to work well for me.

With clutter, I keep a box in the garage marked Goodwill and things get tossed in it until the box is full and my older son drags it off to the drop off bin. I also keep boxes for my older son and his wife of things they may want around their house that I no longer need. If they don't need it, it goes in the Goodwill bin.

My biggest problem is paper!! It piles up until I am sick of it and then I toss it in the shredder or file it. I finally bought 2 clipboards, one for things to do, one for bills to pay. At least things are sorted and seperated so I can pretend to have a grasp on it.

I've heard of a tactic that plays on positive reinforcement. You buy one of those tubs of cookie dough and say loudly, "I'm making cookies!" then you pop them in. When they come out of the oven, say, "Who wants a cookie?" When kids or husband come running, set a timer and assign tasks. Say, "The cookies will be cool enough to eat when the timer goes off. I want you to wipe down the counters until the timer buzzes and then help yourself to a cookie." Or something to that extent. It's hard to argue with someone who just made cookies so you get the task you want done with no whining or battles. Now, you obviously don't want to give cookies all the time, but a timer is a parents best friend. You will be amazed at how much more cooperative a kid is when you say, pick up your toys until the timer goes off, because just saying pick up your toys is so overwhelming, but when you give it a very definite cutoff time, it makes the project much more doable. I do private behavior training in homes and this is my biggest trick. (by the way, I'm sure you've gotten other responses about Flylady.com, but I wanted to tell you I joined Jan 1, and my house looks amazing. It's like behavior training for adults and she uses timers for everything. They really do work. If you are looking for a away to keep your house clean while not being overwhelmed by the massive task, check her out. My husband and I are so glad we did.)

to your xtra question, how to get a kid to help? My daughter is two and when I ask her to do something and she refuses I tell her she can't do anything else until she does it. First pick your battles, a few consistent tasks/chores AND cleaning up after self and then the key is sticking to your guns. When it comes to kids, as sad as it might sound, whoever's the most stubborn wins. When he lays on the floor and cries about it, let him, all its doing is grating a nerve, it doesn't actually hurt anything... ignore it, walk away, whatever, but don't give in. When he tries to get on the computer, watch TV, play in his room, anything, tell him 'no not until you do what I've asked'. You can do it. and if not then you need to own that not listening to him whine is worth the 'maid' stress; but really they have to learn to some level of cleanliness and they have to recognize that a family functions as a unit where everyone helps each other.
o, and on the first question with the husband, maybe i'm a loaner on this, but I'd say 'yes' as a SAHM it is your job... i mean, it doesn't warrant him being a slob and not even finding the trash can when he opens things or finishes things or whatever, but really 'housewife' means your job is the house and kids. The kids should be helping and he should be spending time with the kids after work if nothing else, because they need his influence, but caring for the house and children is what you signed up for and he pays the bills, I assume he puts in ahard 40 every week to take of you. Otherwise, if you'd rather work part-time, contribute to the financial support of the house, and he share the housework that would be a different story and you should be willing to discuss that with him. I work 36h in 12h shifts overnight on the weekends (she's with dad) so that i can be at home with my daughter full-time during the week; twice a week I go 24hrs without sleep so that i can be her caregiver; I am the housewife and the breadwinner as is every single mother. and though many of them may choose that role, some of us would be very appreciative of the opportunity to only have to clean house and care for the kids.

There is a movie, called "Mom's on Strike!" with Faith Ford.
I am trying to find it to rent it because what little I saw on TV showed me that the movie would get the message across, without your having to say much!!

Personally, I think it is all your responsibility, since you are a SAHM. However, raising those children is your primary responsibility, so sometimes the other stuff just doesn't get done. If your husband has a problem with that, then ask him to hang with the kids while you clean or clean while you hang with the kids. Just remember that housework is not that important, and you don't want to destroy your marriage resenting him over it. Good luck!

My son is only 2 and therefore too young for lists, etc, but thankfully he LOVES to help, and I find things for him to do all the time. ie: he mops (with the Swiffer) the living room and toy room while I mop the kitchen. While my son likes to help, I'm in the same boat as you with my husband thinking it's my job to do everything but go to work for him. I'm swamped with one kid!

I used to be the type that would stay up late after my son went to bed just to get the house cleaned, but after a couple months of watching my husband sit on the couch with the remote and just being too tired because I got to bed too late, I started leaving things undone. His dirty socks would stay where he left them (instead of me putting them in the laundry), his dinner plate would stay on the counter (instead of me rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher), his empty pop can would stay on the counter (instead of being rinsed and put in the recycling), the toilets would go uncleaned, etc. Magically, these things disappeared after a few hours or a few days. Things still aren't the 50/50 parenting that I need it to be, but things are better especially now that our son is old enough for him to play with, which has REALLY helped. I stay at home with our son, so I actually look forward to cleaning and picking up while my husband entertains our son in the evenings after dinner. Believe it or not, if it goes uncleaned long enough, he'll do it. And if he tells you to do it, I agree with another mom that says you put the lists on the fridge of what it takes to keep your household clean and organized!!!!! Maybe even go so far as to tell him to choose 10 things on the list that he needs to do daily, weekly, etc. Assign the remaining tasks between you and your kids.

I know this is long, but one more thing I did for my husband was I made a list of every little thing that needed to be done in the house, with our son, etc (including feeding, bathing, putting him to bed, etc). There were about 70 things on the list (literally!), and I put a check next to the things that *I* did and a check next to the things that *he* did. I like to think it opened his eyes about how much really needs to be done and how overwhelming it can be for one person to do it all every day.

I wish you luck, and I hope you know that you aren't alone!!!

It's a never ending battle, I have the same problem, I asked my husband to clean the toilets once for me when he even asked if there was anything he could do to help. He said "I'm not cleaning toilets". I asked him if he thought he was above it and his response was, "It's not my CORE job". That didn't go over to well. I told him that statement was going to come back to bite him in the _ _ _!
Anyway, what I "try" to do is write down all the chores that have to be done regularly then I make a schedule. On Mondays I will clean bathrooms, Tuesdays-Vaccuum, Wednesday's mop etc.... that way your not doing everything on one day. It works to some extent. I try to always keep my kitchen clean on a daily basis, that's about it. I have a 7yr old boy, 5yr old boy and a 3yr old girl. I haven't started them on chores yet. I at one time stopped doing my husband's laundry all together. I get what I can get done as a "mom" he's a grown man he can do his own laundry. Then I started doing his laundry and putting his clothes (folded) in front of his closet so that he would put them away and 1/2 the time he can't even do that but I still don't put them away. Best of Luck----Happy Holidays

I feel that breakdown feeling when I battle with my kids too. I always take the opportunity to have them do something in return when they want something like a ride to a friends, a certain food at the store, friends over, internet time, xbox time, etc. Give and take. I found it much easier to tell them a chore they are in charge of for the week, like emptying the dishwasher or taking out garbage. The following week they do a different chore. That way they learn the chore and you get help. It's very tempting to take the garbage out when YOU want to and not wait for them, but try to let them do it. Give them a time of day when it needs to be done each day, otherwise it gets put off.
As far as the hubby goes - I can relate! Why is your job 12 hour days while he gets 8 hour days and a nice paycheck? Try something like "I'd like some time with you tonite, can you help with ______ so I can get off work early?" Ask him to do the dishes with you after dinner so you can chat. Or see if he can do the dishes while you get other stuff done. Find the easy stuff you know he can do and ask him to help. Tell him how good it makes you feel and how it makes you feel respected. He wants to be respected too, so be sure to tell him you appreciate him going off to work every day. I think men need a good solid week at home with the kids before they can fully appreciate a stay-at-home wife.

We've had the same fights in my house over the years. I've always worked part-time (some from home, and the rest flexed around preschool/school schedules and in the evenings). Our solution last year was to hire a lady to come in and clean twice a month. It seemed extravagant at the time, but wasn't that expensive-we saved money in other ways-we only eat out twice a month, clip a few more coupons, rent movies at the library instead of going out, etc. Some weeks I have to pick up a few more hours at work, but for my peace of mind--it is sooo worth it. I just pick up and spot clean in between. That way I get to enjoy my kids and not have to spend all my days cleaning.
I also don't worry if my house is spotless. As long as it is fairly clean, I'm content with that. I figure one day the kids will be gone and I'll have all the time in the world to clean. For now, it's more important to enjoy my kids. I see no need to stress myself out to have a spotless house.
Talk to your husband and see if there's one or two things he can do during the morning/evening to help. My husband just empties the dishwasher in the morning and loads the dinner dishes. It's amazing how those 2 little things help me out so much. Other than that, I do the housework, laundry, cooking, errand running, etc.
Now that I only have my youngest (almost 5) at home during the day, it's so much easier! He loves to help clean and pick up. He can use the swiffer, wipe the walls with magic erasers, pick up all his toys and help empty the dishwasher. My older two (6 and 8), are in complete charge of their rooms-picking them up, putting laundry away, bringing laundry to and from the washer, vaccuming if it needs it between the time the cleaning lady comes, making their bed, etc.
Cleaning the house isn't really as overwhelming when everyone helps out. I know I have the luxury of having someone come in and help out, but like I said, we decided we could give up some other things in order to have this one. It is one of the best things we've ever done for our marriage. I'm so much happier and less stressed out. And when Mommy's happy, the whole house seems to run so much smoother.

I have found that when I make a list of things to do for my husband it's easier to get things done. They are more willing than we think. He has never said it is my job,( it's both partner's job to help each other in the house. ) That is a male chuavanist remark..might come from his childhood raising..and I am not one of those women that think men should not help. God put us together to be help meets and that includes house cleaning.) but his excuse used to be I don't know what you want done and it's never done right for you anyway. So with that we would have heated discussions..over and over..I had to look inside myself really deep....I was too picky and it scared him off..

You have to respect yourself and your husband....and not be afraid to discuss things out loud alone with him to settle the dust....excuse the pun....not in front of the kids. Write him a letter of how your really feel and ask the Lord to bless that letter of communication between you....and keep it loving not vindictive with your requests of how you expect his moral and emotional support...that you are not the lone ranger and you need his help desperately to get stuff done and to help your son to be more respectful to you too by dad's actions toward you.
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NOW, if you are the clutter bug, you must ask the Lord to change you and help you to clean up your own mess.You can conquer this for yourself....You are a miracle in the making and if you turn MOM upside down it spells WOW. But, Remember A., it takes the same amount of time to drop it on the floor as it does to hang it on a hanger or fold it and put in the drawer or throw it in the hamper.
Take one corner or section at a time. Sort it out, keep or toss piles...worn out or good to keep....like or dislike...I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but clutter is a spirit and can really cause you lots of frustration. That is why I said pray about it and ask the Lord Jesus Christ to come into your heart and ask for HIS peace, love, joy and forgiveness in the Holy Ghost.
Your son has never been trained by you at an early age to help you in any way. Make it a game and or tell him it really helps you and you love him very much and you appreciate him for it. But of he has heard his dad and you bantering back and forth and heard him tell you it's your job...the disrespect has been planted in his little heart against you. WOW....have I been there and had that happen to me years ago with my boys...who are men now and have their own children and demand the same things that I had to demand of them.( What goes around.....does....come around ).

So now in my older age, I just accept what my husband of 19 years does for me, and correct it as I go. Sounds silly doesn't it? But it works. I am so ticky when I fold clothes, he rolls, I fold. Get my meaning?

I hope this helps you in some way. You are who you think you are. " What a man thinketh, so is he."
So you speak out over yourself....I am a Mom and not a maid...but Lord as I do all of this stuff that I have to do...I do it as unto YOU Lord. I thank YOU Lord for the changes in me and eventual change in my family as YOU teach me what and how to teach them.....AMEN and AMEN. Be blessed and smile through it all. It'll all work out with love and patience.
Y. M

Someone once told me. When it comes to the problems between you and your husband. Who's job is it to do what etc... If you are at fault for 40% of them(as you said the clutter) then you take responsibilty to fix your 40 or whatever % and see if he starts to fix his. You may be surprised how well it works. And remember Love is patient.
Good Luck

Although you say that most of the clutter or mess is yours, he should still help out with the day to day mess. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, things like that, I think should be equally shared responsibilities. After all..you both eat, and wear clothes, and walk on the floor. Your a STAY AT HOME MOM, not a STAY AT HOME MAID. I stayed at home from the time I was 3 months pregnant until a month after my son was born, so my hub got pretty comfortable with me doing everything. But when I went back to work he was still so used to not helping with the housework that I started to feel overwhelmed and resentful. So I just talked to him and told him that Im not his mom so I don't want to have to tell/ask him to help clean up. After all, he did help diry it! He still didnt really improve much so I told him if he wanted clean clothes to wear then he was gonna have to start doing his own laundry! It's not being mean its just making him take more responsibility for himself. Maybe after he has to start doing things like that, he'll realize just how much your job really entails. I hope it all works out for you two and you find some middle ground that your both happy with. Happy Holidays!

A.,

I think you need to get some Love and Logic training in. There are many books to help you with this. The one thing I have learned to do is not say "NO". That just instantly triggers a battle and tantrum. If my child asks to use the computer, I say " sure you can as soon as you ____". If they ask for an item in the store I tell ask them "did you bring your money?"

I only wash clothes that are in the laundry basket. If they do not put it in there and they have no socks left, they have to wear dirty socks.

My kids get an allowance each week. It is not tied to if they do chores or not, regardless they get it. However, If I have to do something they were supposed to do, they will get a bill for my time.

There is so much more I can tell you, but I think that the books or audio could do better. Also, you can find some places offering a class from time to time. I believe Mercer Island Covenant Church is having a class. It would be good for your husband to go, as it is a team effort to get kids to be responsable and do their part.

You really need to talk to your husband about the housework and your expectations. you obviously have different ones from him. Does he really understand that or are you assuming he should just know? Sometimes it just takes for him to do a day in the life of you or a week. go visit your family for a weeka dn have him stay home and do all that you do. Make him a list of everything that needs to be done. Play dates, and such that your kids do. he needs to cook healthy meals and all, so he can see what it is you actually do everyday. Maybe he just needs a wake up call.

Good luck

Couple of things:

1. I think it is hard for husbands to realize what a SAHM really does all day. I would suggest keeping a list of EVERYTHING you do in a day and show him that you are not just sitting on your butt all day. This may not make him help, however, hopefully he will see that you are busy all day as well taking care of the child(ren) and the house and that is why everything is not just the way he wants it. I saw that someone suggested flylady.com and this is a wonderful resource.

2. My children are required to contribute to the family by doing chores, however, children also want to feel like they are in control of their own lives. They get tired of always feeling like someone else is making all of their decisions. Obviously, at a young age, they cannot be in control, however, I give my children choices. I allow them to decide how they contribute, from a list that I have made. This way they feel like they get to choose and I'm happy with anything on the list that they do, but they have to choose from the list. This works in other aspects of their life as well, I've learned that children who feel they have some control behave better. If you'd like more information about this, please let me know. I have an email saved in my draft email folder that explains in more detail this method.

Good luck!

flylady.net and the house fairy. You're not the maid, and flylady is the way to get some peace and cleanliness in your home and it will spead to your kids, promise!

Hi A.,
Sorry to hear your troulbles. I have lived with this issue for over 27 years. I had 3 boys on top that. But one time
I told my husband it turned me on to see him clean the toilet. I don't know if this will help you or not.
But unfortunately being home it does seem to fall to us. Unless of course you can afford a housecleaner. Even if they could come once or twice a month. This is a big help.
But start training the two at home now how to do simple tasks. I can remember dusting furniture at 3 or 4 years old. My father-in-law tells us he was washing dishes at 5. So to me this sounds very reasonable. If everyone pitches in, the task does not seem so overwhelming. My best to you!!!

Good luck! I'm also a SAHM and my husband works out of town/out of the country 90% of the time. When he is home it is a whirlwind though and I'm normally exhausted from taking care of everything while he's gone. I do believe it is largely my responsibility, since I'm at home. I really do appreciate all the hard work my husband does, for the good of our family. However, I am not the only person living in our home so I don't feel as though it is my job to clean up simple things after everyone. My son is already learning to pick his toys up and keep his room neat. My situation is unique though because my husband is gone for days and even weeks at a time...there are only so many hours in the day for me to cook, clean, mow, rake, chase the child, etc. He rarely helps clean, cook or pick up. I understand he works a very demanding job, 12-16 hour days, but there are no days off when you're a mommy. It's fallen to me to do all the outside as well as inside work...in addition to raising our 17 month old. I need to be discussing this all with him though instead of fussing here... The responsibilites seem endless when you become a mommy. I wouldn't trade it for the world though!!! One of my friends has two adult children who live across the country and she has said before that she wished she spent more time with her children and less time keeping her house perfect. Now, her kids are gone and she has all the time to clean she needs...they grow up so fast a balance is nice.

A.,

I read your "So What Happened" and your questions at the end. You might want to think about your children helping out in a different way, what kind of adults do you want your children to become? An adult who sees something that needs doing and does it, or an adult who walks away and leaves without even trying to help?

When I thought about my son's manners this way I realized that when they are young I had to be more firm and stick to the rules always.

If your child is talking back to you after you asked him politely to clean up something he created, you might want to take away all of his privileges for the entire day....no computer, no tv, no phone, no friends over, etc. Even if he had something planned, call his friends parents and cancel. If he continues to throw a temper tantrum you may have to extend the punishment to include the next day. If he is still upset then send him to his room, he is not just reacting to the new rules, but is also playing to your emotions hoping you will relent and he 1) won't have to clean up the mess and 2) will get back all of his privileges.

If you are consistent your children will learn and begin to follow the new rules, it may take a few weeks, but if you stay firm the new rules will stick and hopefully you will start to see a change in your children.

I would also recommend you and your husband privately talk over exactly what you will say to your children about the new rules. Then sit your kids down at the dinner table and calmly and politely tell them about the new rules and why you are putting them into place. They cannot leave the table if they are upset, but instead have to voice their feelings and concerns. What they have to say may not change your course of action, but at least you will have listened to what your children may be feeling.

Finally, you may need to teach your children how to do the tasks. They may not know how to vacuum a room and being asked to do so may seem very overwhelming.

Check out www.flylady.net. Marla Cilley, the creator of the website, has a number of Control Journals that you can use to set up daily routines for the entire family to accomplish. Having the routines put down in a book and seeing each one crossed off may help your kids to realize that cleaning does not have to take hours every day, but only a few minutes. Here is the exact link: http://www.flylady.net/pages/control_journals.asp

Marla and her subscribers also have great suggestions for turning housework into a game so your children want to help out rather than run away from housework. Check out her home page and scroll down to the box with the title "Flying With the Kids!"

Good luck!

-C..

It is your duty as a mother to teach these children how to survive in the next life. The life where they won't have a maid, the life where they will not be living with you because they are adults and you have prepared them well.
Start with the lesson 1, wiping all of the counters 3x a week. For that, if the job is done as expected, he will earn $1, 1/2 of which will go in his bank and 1/2 of which he can spend. No more treats that you used to buy at the store, no more TV, no more video. Take it all away, the educators say it is not good anyway. He can start to read. Once he is cooperating, you praise like crazy, and introduce the next chore, to be done in the week. Mt grson has quite a few that must be done before he leaves for school daily. You will have to persevere, this child raising is a difficult job.

Sounds like you both came into this with different expectations of what married life and parenting were supposed to be like, but forgot to discuss those ideas with each other before you committed.
NOW might be a good time to sit down together and discuss this.
Each of you gets to express what you want, and what you believe you should be giving and receiving from this partnership, and neither of you is allowed to put the other down or belittle them for their desires, beliefs or expectations.
Once everything has been laid out in a friendly, supportive manner, then you can begin the planning , compromising, and working together that should have ideally begun before you married.

I wish you the best.
:o)

You are a mom and a wife not a maid. My husband had a chest beating episode early in our relationship and I pointed out that he lives here too. My husband is a slob and at some point I stopped picking up after him and went on strike! He would leave dirty clothes where ever he took them off, dirty socks on the floor by the couch, dishes never brought to the sink... you get the picture. I refused to go and find his dirty clothes and wash them. HE started bringing it the laundry. If he cooked and left the mess in the kitchen, I owuld move everything over and make sandwiches for dinner the next night. I know it seems gross and it bothered me to no end but he needed to know that I am not his mother and I was not here to serve him. He finally caught on and has changed, mostly! They don't get that we are so busy with kids all day that who thinks about making sure the house is spotless. If something doesn;t get done, it doesn't get done that day and that is that!

hello, it was kinda like that here until i got a job working second shift. then my husband realized just how hard it is to keep the house clean. see if you can take a mini vacation(away from home, it doesn't have to be far just out of your house) see if he can keep up with the kids AND housework. my husband is much more understanding, we have 4 wonderful kids who are kinda messy

Hi A....
I would say as a mother, you are also a maid! I work now, but was able to be home for about 3 years when my boys were really small. During that time, I did it all, still do 99.9% of it(smile)! I had the same overwhelming feeling you had. I sat down, made a schedule of 1-3 things to do everyday Mon-Fri and then nothing ever got too bad. I would most definitely include my kids in helping. As a mom of 2 boys, one of my goals is to teach them to be able to take care of themselves and know how to clean! I used to be so frustrated that my hubby wouldn't help out...number 1 they don't normally see what we see that needs to be done. Now, I'm learning, while all my guys are in front of the TV, they can fold laundry! I hope this helps you, I would suggest NOT trying to do everything in one day, that doesn't work for everyone!

Hi A.,
Kids not doing what you tell them? It's called spanking. Yes, even at 9 years old. How many times have you spanked your children? My guess (and I truly am being sympathetic and non-judgemental...honest) is that you could count on 1 hand how often. It seems to be considered old fashioned and harmful these days, for some reason, but it still is a relevant and EFFECTIVE treatment for disobedient children. As far as the husband, I assure you, as many other mamas have done, he does not know what goes into being a stay at home MOM - not MAID. Do what many of the mamas have suggested and write it all down in black and white. Take a week of days and log everything you do hour by hour...or minute by minute if you want to get that technical. Then at the end of that week, hand that HUGE BOOK over to him for a little light reading. Tell him, THAT is what I do all day, every day, 24/7/365. His job ends when he clocks out at work. Why should it when your job never ends? He should be working along side you when he gets home from work, because you have been working just as hard as, if not harder than him all day long. I agree with a previous post...you will be in divorce court sooner than you think if you don't put your feet squarely on the floor and stand up to your husband and your children. You are not a maid, not a slave, not a piece of trash for the rest of your family to grace you with the gift of kissing their feet. Come on, girl. Be strong!

First off you must own your part in this situation. Your husband AND son act as they do because you allow it, and have from the beginning. It is apparent that your son, as well as your husband, are controlling you. You need to set down some very harsh boundaries and CONSISTENTLY adhere to them. Tell your son he is going to help with chores and if he doesn't... no privileges. No X-Box, no bike riding, no TV, NOTHING but total boredom. As for your husband, he needs to understand he sets an example for your children and by him using the age old excuse housework is womens work is just appalling. He needs to change his attitude and set a positive example. If all else fails, you can fall back on the one thing YOU control. No hubby help, no bedroom rumba!

hi...
ok, so i have to say something here. i too am a SAHM, and yes all the housework should fall on our shoulders...let me repeat that, housework, which should not include cleaning up after everybody else, as human beigs we are responsible for our own droppings and clutter rats and raccoons we are not. housework are things like; dusting, sweeping, moping, vacuuming, dishes, house laundry, ironing, switching out seasonal clothes, changing sheets, cobweb control, toilets, bathtubs showers and every so often cleaning out closets, cupboards, refridgerators and toyboxes, washing screens, getting dust bunnies out from under beds, sofas recliners and from behind dressers and above all else day to day organization and reorganization. what a SAHM and her family can share is cooking, shopping, personal laundry, cheaffering, scheduling of home repairs, home upkeep, dr's. appointments, extra ciricculars, outings, daytrips, and vacations...homework patrol and school stuff; functions, meetings and the like... bills, bills and more bills, and whatever else there may be knowing full well that most of it will fall on your shoulders, and being ok with that. what we don't do...wipe up their crumbs, hair spilt milk, juice, soda, water , spittle, or pee; pick-up their toys, clothes, dishes, paperwork, latest project, backpack breifcase, glasses, or dry cleaning; put away their toothbrush/paste, razor,beauty products or whatever else they seem not to care much about. all of this of course does not apply to your younger children, but at about 2 1/2 they can start doing small things, or at least be shown how to, then asked, then together, then told, then hopfully on their own at least sometimes. yes the upkeep and daily freshening up of our homes is left up to us take pride in that but if your husband cant wipe the sink up after he's shaved, throw away his razor and shaving cream, he'll be pissed, he'll go get more and he may do it again, so should you. he'll learn eventually. can't pick up their clothes...collect them all in a garbage bag leave it in the garage, eventually one of them will ask for something, send them out to the garage let them look for and wash it. so you don't want to be so harsh get a big laundry basket, plastic tub or cardboard box, label it "where's my _________?" anything left where it doesn't belong at the end of the day goes in it. Tell everyone "if you leave it out this is where i'm putting it!" for dishes simply place them on their bed, if they'd rather watch tv, forget to pay the cable bill (suspend service till they get it) just tell them you didn't feel like it, especially useful during husbands favorite sports season, even if he didn't cause the shut off he'll get on board getting the kids to take part in helping out you could do this with electricity and water if you can survive without them. tell everyone in a family meeting what the new plan is before you begin any of it. explain the family is a unit for it to run smoothly, eveyone must do their part, try some examples "what if dad didn't do his job...?" let them fill in the blanks; no money, no food, no new clothes, no cell phone...the horrors be silly with it, make it memorable. "what if mommy didn't do her job...?" stranded at school with no hope for making it to soccer practice, no heat or water - very cold w/no showers...go to school stinky. no electricity...no wii... move on too their jobs, which comes back to you or daddy because you both are to busy doing their jobs you then can't do yours properly. enjoy the talk don't make it a you have to or else kind of talk, share your frustrations, get everyone involved and make them aware of any new consequences, because no human should be capable of walking away from pee they just left on the toilet seat, or jelly they just glopped on the counter, if they are, they are truly inconsiderate and completly deserving of what ever wrath you lovingly rain down upon them expectations should be age appropriate of course as should consequences. if your husband is a major culprit have the discussion with him seperatly, privatly and prior to the family talk. good luck and be strong remind them...this is our house, we all use it, we are all responsible for taking part in making sure it runs smoothly and to everyone's benefit. but this (pick up stray item) is your favorite blue sweater, and you are the one using it, so you are the one responsible for it, and it is to your benefit that it gets picked up.

A.- I have linked the cleaning to a "pay for performance plan" just like at a regular job. I wish I had begun this at your kids age, not in the "tween" time as I have. The temper tantrum at 9 is nothing like the two day long silent treatment at 12. I learned if you give in to the crying the child just learns how to get out of the job. I am trying to turn it around and make them realize they have to to teh job and there are consequences for their actions. The earlier you start, the better the child's foundation. Hope this helps and hang in there!!!!

Hi A.,

I know you have gotten a lot of replies on this! However, I felt compelled to answer. I am a mother of 5, stepmother of 4 and at one time we had 7 of the kids living with us. So I do know how hard it can be to keep things done. You can't be perfect and so don't try, get done what you can and move on. Maybe a list of what you want to accomplish and then mark them off when they are done. I didn't understand one comment you made that 90% of the clutter is yours, so your husband and kids only have 10% of the items in the house? I think you are being hard on yourself!!!

The kids were taught from the time they were young how to help me with the house work, things like folding washcloths while I folded the towels. Then helping put them away. This worked well with helping with some of the little things around the house. Your 3rd grader is old enough to help you in many ways, from helping set the table to cleaning it off. Picking up and putting away all of their stuff, putting clothes away, the list is endless.

Now as far as your husbands attitude, I don't care if you are a stay at home mom raising 2 kids! He can help with some of the mess around the house too. Many times boys are raised that it is the womans job to do the housework and therefore beneath them. Well, here is one thing you can do -and someone I know did this, I loved it. Your job is to keep the house clean - find out what it would cost to hire a cleaning company to come in and clean the house. Oh and you are the cook, how much would that cost? The chauffer, the shopper all of these things take time and energy to do and if we had to pay someone to do them it would put us in the hole! However, it does give you a sense of value because there is NO WAY your husband to pay someone else to do what you do! And who else would love your kids the way you do!

Don't be so hard on yourself, and one way to get things done is take one room at a time, get it cleaned and then move on. Even if you only get things deep cleaned once in a while it's okay! Do the every day things everyday, it will help your peace of mind. Organizing is the best tip of all, because once I got things organized as in I do the laundry these days and do the dusting and cleaning this day, it made my life easier. You may not change your husband but you can make things easier for you! And if you have a son, teach him to clean things up, that way you know you will not have a daughter-in-law some day going through what you are! That is what I did with my boys, one does great about helping out, the other one could do better but he in no way feels it is all his wifes place to do things.

Hang in there!

Just a second to put in my 2 cents. Check out the Love and Logic dvds/cds at your library. I've heard how terrific it is from several people and DH and I finally watched our first one on Sat AM. Helped INSTANTLY!! Good luck!

I don't know about your husband but, my husband works 70 + hours a week. Sometimes I get aggrivated with him when he doesn't help me clean the house but, I realize that he is the bread winner and he works so much that when he gets home he wants to relax. Most of the time he has so much work outside that he has to do.
No, I'm not a maid (Yes, I feel like one, sometimes). I'm a stay at home mom and it is my responsibility keep a clean house, cook the meals do the laundry and take care of the kids. He does his job.

I am sure you have a lot of great suggestions. My thoughts are that your children's behavior may have something to do with the parents attitudes around housework/cleaning. Is it regarded as a punishment or an undesireable activity? You may want to try re-framing housework into 'Home Blessing' or something where taking care of your home is seen as a mature act of self care. If you can get your husband on board, that would really help. Try to make positive comments when you see a nice clean room. Start a cleanup morning on the weekend with fun lively music, designate areas of responsibility and reward the family with a trip to the ice cream store.

It may take some time to turn it around but I really think that is the key for everyone to internalize the importance and reward of picking up after themselves. It will make you happier too.

In terms of punishment for not doing it, that depends on what you and your husband can agree on as to what is expected of your children. They should be expected to clean up after themselves, and especially, they should be expected to listen to you and respond to your requests. If not, then whatever it is that is distracting them should be removed (toys, TV, future playdate, etc.).

Just some thoughts...I really appreciate you posting this since it is obviously a common problem among almost all moms!

Good luck,
N. (Mom to 2yr and 5yr)

Why is it that some people don't understand being a sahm IS a full time job. I have a 4 1/2 year old and two in school. Some times I feel like I run around all day cleaning up after my 4 year old, picking up this and that. Then when our older kids get home pick up after them.

I'm not sure i have any advise for you except for the fact that it isn't "your" job to clean the house. It should be a family effort and he should share part of the job. I would personally be really ticked off if my husband told me it was my job to keep the house clean. Even though I am home during the day I have lots to do and he helps when he gets home. We have a standing rule in our house if one cooks the other does the dishes.

Good luck.

Hi A.,

I just finished reading your last entry..."So what happened"... Let me tell you about a BIGGER problem that you DO NOT want to encounter down the road. I have a very close friend who is recently going through a divorce and has three kids. Two teen-age boys and one newly teen daughter. They are spoiled BRATS!! Their mom does EVERYTHING for them because if she didn't then nothing would get done! The two boys actually tell her to her FACE "No, I dont' want to or I don't feel like it...You are such a nagging B******!" I can't even relate!! I have two teen-age daughters that BEST be helping me or else!... and they know it!! My husband and I set FIRM rules down in our house when our girls were very young. All I can say is it really does work having "guidelines and consequences".. my poor girlfriend never did or didn't have any back-up and now look what she is up against. You don't want to be in her shoes so keep up the persistant reminding to the kids to help clean up or else...remember,it is EVERYBODY's house.

Good Luck,
C.

Kids may need you to break down the task (put all your toys away vs clean your room) and they may need you to follow them at first. Especially if they don't want to do something. If my child lay on the floor instead of wiping the counter then he'd get a warning. If he continued to lay on the floor then he'd have x consequence. Like no computer time for a day. I'm sure that he won't like it, but that's his choice. Let him know that x = y. My stepdaughter loses allowance. That's where it hurts for her. Or she won't get a ride to the mall. All kids have something that matters.

We also clean together as a family twice a month. The kids have chores and if they don't do their chores, then they don't get their allowance. And we don't dole out money for candy, movies or anything else, either. That's what allowance is for.

Also, if his father is saying that cleaning the house is your job, you need a talk with him, too. HE needs to set an example. Men can wash dishes, too. Men can put a plate in the sink, wipe a counter, feed the cat, rinse toothpaste out of the sink. Just because you are home doesn't mean everyone else gets to make messes just for you to clean up. That's unfair. Your husband isn't a child. He can be a man and put the wet clothes in the dryer once in a while to help you out. Come on.

Let me introduce myself, i am a married ,mother of 2 young adult children and seems like I was in that situation a while ago. But you gotta let the children know you are the one who is in charge. My husband wouldn't stand up mfor me so i had to do it Don't let the child do any thing untillthey get what you ask them to do done. yOU ARE NOT THEIR FRIEND -- SO DONT WORRY ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW TAKE CARE OF THE SITUATION AND WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW LATER..

Yikes. I would stop doing anything for him until he is prepared to help you. I would also sit down with your husband and your son one night alone and tell him that some things are about to change. You explain to him that there are a number of things that you do for him...list them....then tell him that from now on he will do the chores that you list and until they are done, he will no longer watch tv, play video games, play on the computer, play sports, go to a friend's house, etc My son is almost 6 yrs old and lately ALL he wants to do it watch tv and was not helping clean his room at all. My husband and I sat down and told him that from now on, things are going to change. Everyday when he gets home from school he is to do his homework, clean his room, and then he can watch tv...and not until. This was a few days ago and so far it has worked. He has asked if he can watch tv and then clean his room and I say, "no, you know the deal, don't ask again" and I walk away. You are the boss, show him so he learns to respect you. :o) W.

I think he should do somethings around the house if he is home. Does he work a 8-9 hour day?? Also try putting on a childs movie and clean while they are inthralled in the movie and check on them every few minutes . Good Luck

Division of labor in any relationship is a tricky thing. Many full time working moms do all of all the housekeeping. You need to think about al the work that needs to get done around the house. Does your husband take care of mowing, raking, painting, home/car repairs, etc? Do you ever do "his" jobs? How much of your housekeeping is cleaning or clutter management? What can you do to minimize the clutter? There is no easy answer here. You may have to sit down at some time when cleaning is not an issue and talk about this with your husband. Do you both really want a division of labor that neither of you will ever cross? Will you both pitch in when the job needs it? Keep in mind, if your husband insists that all the housecleaning is yours, how will you deal with that?

Have you heard of Love and Logic? It has some great ideas about how to react to this. It takes your time and energy to do these things. 4 1/2 is still a little young to be too harsh, but the 3rd grader could definately get this...If you are spending your time and energy cleaning up after them then you couldn't possible have enough time and energy to do the things they want to do. For example: your 3rd grader wants to go to a friends house but didn't clean the counter as you asked. "Oh, I am so sorry, I spend all my energy cleaning up the mess in the kitchen so now I don't have any to take you over to your friend's house. Maybe next time I ask you to clean the counter you will help and I will be able to take you." This is not a punishment, but a logical consiquence to his actions. When he argues you can say, I love you too much to fight with you and I just don't have the time I have to do some cleaning now. If you would like to help me, maybe I will be able to find the time and energy to take you to your friends when we are finished. "Love and Logic", teaching them life lessons to help them make responsible choices and become responsible adults. Good Luck! Mine are 2yr and 3 yrs so I haven't had the chance to use it yet, but I almost can't wait to see what happens. Oh, and because they are young I would keep in mind your standard of clean and theirs may be different. Baby steps to get this started and then you can be a little more tough on the level of "clean". Hope this helps!

I could write you a book as I'm in a similar spot...hate to clean and love to stay home. However, I don't have time right now.

The bottom line is this: YES! the cleaning/scouring is entirely yours. You are a stay at home mom. It's your job. Do we like all the aspects of it? No. Are there duties we hate as a SAHM? Oh yeah. But I bet your husband has some things about his job he hates but he still does them to bring home a paycheck and support his family.

Another bottom line: Your nine year old needs to have some boundaries put into place. You have taught him that he can do what he does. Now you cannot change the rules on the family without telling them...so you and DH need to sit down, talk about how you want to put this out there for your kids, and then do it. For example, if your son asks, "Can I have computer time" and you say, "not until your room is clean" he should know a-what clean is, and b-that you mean what you say...no computer till it meets those standards. Whining and crying are not acceptable forms of communication in healthy children. (I forgive a bit of whine when my kids aren't feeling well.) When my kids are at their worst I have to think about those Supernanny shows where it is usually the mom's behavior that changes and then the family behavior follows suit. Like it or not, we're responsible for what kinds of behaviors we get out of our kids.

Frankly, if you don't like the way things are going, you can always go get a full time job. That way, you do have the "right" to ask your husband to pitch in on half the housework. You have to ask yourself what your priorities are, and what you want out of this time in your life. There is nothing wrong with being a working mom, and maybe that is what you need to do for yourself and your family. Hire a maid to come in with some of your salary, perhaps.

I have realized something about our "icon" moms...June Cleaver and the sort. They love to clean, iron, etc. Most of us regular moms do NOT. So it's going to be a struggle for us. So much for the fairy tales!!!

Go to Flylady.net and read everything!! :) It will have the answers to all your questions.

You need to tell them that you are not their maid. Being a SAHM means your job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Shouldn't you get a day off? If you are strong enough, and able to, you need a vacation. Even if its only for the weekend. Go to a hotel for 2 days. Tell them that it will be their responsibility to clean the house. Make a list of all the things you do everyday. Maybe that will help them to see your point. Or, decide when your day ends. Make a start and ending time to your work day. Your husband has that, correct? I was a SAHM mom for 3 years. I got so stressed from the 24/7 work. I went back to work. Now, everyone in the house helps. My sons are 7 and 6. They have a chore list of things they must do everyday. If they are not done...no tv, no games, no computer. It took a few temper tantrums, but they abide by the rules now. And my husband...I stopped cleaning after him. No clean laundry for a few days got him to do it. I also taught my boys how to fold their own. You have to be creative, but you can get them to help. You are not the only making the mess. YOU NEED A BREAK!!! Also, when your 9 year old tells you no, stand up. He is a child. You are his parent. He has no right to tell you no. If he wants to break down, let him. He can act like a 2 year old or grow up and become a decent big boy. He can decide. When my boys decided that they didn't want to clean their room when I told them to, I took drastic measures. I removed EVERYTHING from their room except the beds and clothes. I put all of their toys in boxes in the hallway. They could look at them, but not touch. They had to earn them back. Each time they did something without a fight, one toy back. If they did it without being told, two toys. When you take the things away that you have given them, it works wonders and makes them see that things in life must be earned. Everything will not be handed to them on a platter. To this day, they must earn what they want.

I know you posted this a while ago, but an update just came through and it seems like you may still be struggling. I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you! It's no fun to have to fight with your kids and feel like a maid. :o) OK so husband first.

Some men really have a hard time with this. I found that once my hubby saw that I was putting effort into keeping my stuff put away and working with the kids on their stuff, he was much more helpful. However if you're waiting for him to just jump in and clean, you may be waiting a long time. :o) I still have to ask, but it is much more light hearted and not a conflict at all. I just ask with a smile and a please, and he's all over it!
So now the kids. Your nine year old is perfectly capable of some basic cleaning, and should be expected to take care of his own messes. Sit down with him when all is calm and tell him that you've noticed that the house has gotten a little out of hand and that you and daddy have a plan to get things back in shape. Everyone will have their part. Explain that his part is to put his own toys/dirty clothes/school stuff away each day and if he makes a mess accidentally (like spilling coffee) he needs to clean it up. No biggie, just wipe it up and move on, but if he fusses or throws a fit about it there will be additional work. (we call that Cinderella Therapy in our house! The worse the attitude about work, the more the work you have to do. When the attitude improves the work is reduced). Also, let him know that one day a week he has a family job. At 9, it could be taking the trash and recycling from the house to the outside bins on trash day, or dusting. Again if he throws a fit, just calmly say that when he's done with his fit he needs to get his job done, and when he's done with that he needs to come to you to find out what additional job he will have for throwing the fit. Try VERY hard to stay calm and unflustered. Just make a statement and walk away. It will take several times for him to get the deal, but he will if you stay consistent.

The deal for the 4 year old should be the same. He needs to clean up his own toys etc. and at least help to clean up his accidents. (since he is still young, spilled milk will seem overwhelming, so just stay cheerful and get him helping do the easy wipe up. 'here's a paper towel for you and one for me. Ready, set, go!) His weekly job, could be to help fold towels from the dryer and put them away, or help put away the siverware from the dishwasher.

Start small, once new habits are established and just part of daily life, more helping can be added. This type of thing is a long term project, so there will be setbacks and victories, just be prepared and keep your eyes on the long term benefits. Not only will the house be tidy, the family will be happier, you'll be less stressed out and maybe your kids will help out their wives without having to be asked!

Last note... don't worry about keeping everything scoured and fully clean everyday. Go for generally tidy each day and fully clean once a week (or not, if life is extra busy). Keeping expectations realistic will really help with your overall sanity. :o)

Oh my goodness - you clearly hit a hot button! I didn't have the time to read through all these responses, but I'm sure they fall all over the spectrum. Obviously there is no right or wrong answer, it's what works for your family and what agreement you can come to. As far as the thing with your son refusing to clean up after himself, I think that is a problem and I would highly recommend this fascinating book that I just finished reading called "Parent Effectiveness Training." You can probably find it at the library.

But as for your husband, the two of you need to come to a consensus on this and again there is no right or wrong. I think his assumption is a common one that since you are a SAHM that includes being a homemaker, too, and keeping the house clean. To be honest, that would have been my assumption, too. If you disagree with this assumption, I think you are going to have to lay out your case for why that should not be and what would be a fair way to divide the chores.

My husband and I both work more than full-time running our own business, so housework is the last thing on either of our minds. But I do all the laundry and kitchen clean-up because, honestly, he just wouldn't do it to my standards and I'm enough of a control freak, I wouldn't wany anyone else messing with it. But to be fair, he does the kitty litter boxes (ever since I was pregnant with our first child) and he always collects and carries out the garbage (when I remind him). And he pays for the twice-a-month maid service that does everything else. So, that works for us. You just have to find what works for you.

Have you read or listened to "How to listen so yourkids will talk and how to talk so your kids will listen"? It may help. J.

Honestly, as a SAHM, no price can be paid for the amount of work to be done.

I'm sure I'll get beat up over this: Your husband should not be performing housework, especially if he's out all day earning a living. He deserves to come home to a clean house with a decent meal. Men aren't that complicated.

That being said, being a SAHM is a privilege, especially in these times. SAHMotherhood does not mean neglecting yourself or home to be a "MOM". BEING A MOM IS TWO FULL TIME JOBS, NO BREAKS, NO THANKS, NO PAY, NO INSTRUCTIONS REWARD ONLY AFTER THE CHILDREN ARE GROWN - If you're lucky. ;)

Otherwise, the maid, the cook, the housekeeper, diaper changer, budget balancer, taxi service, errand runner, homework checker and wife (hardest) are all ONE and the same YOU. Perhaps you didn't know what you signed up for.

I hope this wasn't too brutal a reality. Try working full-time, cleaning a 5 bedroom house, managing 2 different school schedules, braiding hair, fixing breakfast, laundry, balancing budgets, and WIFING. Then come talk to me.

Develop a system which includes your 9 year old. He should be told what to do, not "asked". Your husband can also help by being mindful of leaving his things around and taking the kids while you do something for yourself - it all matters.

No matter what, how your family lives reflects on you, and, many things WILL BE SAID about a WOMAN WITH A DIRTY HOME.

ME: Married 17 years, 2 girls, 11 and 4, work full-time outside home. Lives in NJ, (most moms had better be working) part-time student. Exhausted.

I struggle with clutter and chores too. Sometimes I feel that too much of my life is trying to make people do what they don't want to do. Too often that someone is me!

My children have a short checklist that they need to do before having any screen time. It's ridiculously basic -- today clothes, hair brushed, teeth brushed, bed made, homework done, a small laundry pile brought upstairs and put away, and a zone in their room cleared. The little kids only pick up 20 things. I assign the older kids zones that take about 6 minutes on weekdays or about 15 on weekends. We have mixed results. Two kids rush to do their chores. Two keep trying to sneak on the computer with only partial lists done (when caught they do fifty push-ups and two extra jobs for mom.) One of my children has given up all screen time because she doesn't like lists.

I briefly had good results with tidies right before dad came home. We would gather together, pick the most cluttered hot spot, and flip a coin over whether we'd do our best for ten minutes or the whole job.

I've had some good results with flylady's advice -- especially putting out my clothes the night before, and some good days inspired by Don Aslett. Keeping a Don Aslett book in the bathroom is inspirational.

I've had good results with doing dishes and laundry on the phone. I have a friend that does housework with me and we laugh so hard it feels like it does itself. Since we both have children, we encourage each other to positively respond to the children and don't get hurt by sudden needs to hang up fast.

When my husband gets into "what DO you do all day" mode (It's happened a few times), I leave him alone with the kids for three hours. He generally realizes that I do more than he had noticed. I am blessed by him. We don't work together well as a team, but he loves to cook and he hates a nasty bathroom.

I have my kids clean with vinegar and water. It can't hurt them or the bathroom/kitchen and there is a lot less toothpaste on the mirror now that they have to do it themselves. I know the bigger issue is with hubby but teaching your kids they are part of a family will help too.

ps My 4yr old loves the spray bottle

Read "How to have a new kid by Friday", by Kevin Leman.

'Nough said. DO IT.

You are not a maid or a slave!!!!! so stop treating yourself like one!!!! Yes, if you are SAHM it is your job to take care of the home, but NOT TO BE A MAID OR SLAVE or be ABUSED!!!! Tell your husband and sons are a human being, you love and care for them and YOU DESERVE help!!! Stop taking it!!!! Stop doing it!!!! Be recognized and acknowledged!!! YOU ARE SOMEONE TOO!!!!
Will your boys learn to take care of themselves much less a wife or children of their own if they learn this behavor?!??!!? and how will they treat women?!?!?!?!

I agree totally with Jenifer H.

I'll be honest, I used to work full time and life was very hectic. I thought that SAHM's had it so easy and that they do not have the right to complain. I now stay at home with my kids and needless to say, I am embarrased that I ever even felt that way.It is so much harder than I would have ever thought. The reality of it is that when my husband gets home at 5:30, his day is done. Mine ends when I go to sleep. Sometimes it does not end then either (teething baby, sick or hungry child, bad dream). Because I stay at home I am the one to also get up in the middle of the night. The funny part is that I get up earlier than everybody else. Your argument has been one that I have had many times. Do you know what ended all of the arguments? I started working part-time nights. My husband then knew what it was like to take care of three kids by himself without relying on me. I have had a different husband ever since. Since this happened I have had another child and I no longer work nights (my husbands request). As I said, I too have been judgmental in the past about SAHM (until I knew what I was talking about!)In your husbands defense, you never know what somebody's day is like until you've done it yourself. Also, people treat you the way you expect them to treat you. You need to demand more. And if 90% of the clutter is yours, then maybe that is what is frustrating him. If he doesn't see you taking care of your mess, then why should he? This is not an easy battle. Good luck!! :)

Girl do I feel your pain!! I know this was posted at sometime ago. I have a 2,3,7 and 16 year old. The oldest does a great job keeping is own room clean buttt, when it comes to take the trash out he says yall waited all day long for me to come home and take the trash out? I guess we did. My 3 year old is the helper she likes to do laundry even though at times she doesn't fold right I never say anything negative to her. What I do is give each child her own little basket and tell them to go around and pick there things up. Usually before dinner if not then they don't eat until its done. If they just flat refuse to, then I tell them ok I will but them in my bag and you can't have them back. My bag is a big trash bag that I put things in that they refuse to put up. Kids know what they are doing. And for the most part we give in so we don't have to listen to the whining. I myself am guilty. I also try to keep the dishwasher empty so they can empty plates and put in. Or a sink of soapy water. Like I tell my 7 year old wich is a boy. At school you have to empty your tray and place it so do it here as well. I live here Im not an employ. Just stick to it and make some cleaning things fun. Always say things like, hey Noah you do such a great job vacuuming the rug could you help me out and do that for me. Girl I know from first hand experience it can get tuff. Sometimes I feel I just want to throw in the towel. But hey I have two older children as well and when they were growing up I went on strike. Yes strike!! The fun part was my son wich was around 13 at the time had company over. When he asked me for something I would just say I can't I no longer am responsible. they got the point. But anyways good luck and oh yes hubby should help wether he works or not no one could afford to pay a women for all that she does. Its not a job most men could even HANDLE! wishing you the best. D. S.

Of course I'm sure tons of women feel the same way - men don't notice things like women do...and kids? Forget about it! I feel justified in asking my husband to help because I also work full time, so I can sense frustration on your part - feeling guilty for being a stay at home mom and asking for help. When I was first married I thought - He's a grown man! He should know what to do - I know what to do, so why should I be his mom and tell him? So after a huge fight, we compromised....I decided I would give in to my pride issues (I can do it all myself!), and he would give in to his not helping issues (lazy? oblivious??). So that worked ok, but it has kind of come down to I have to ask him repeatedly and give him 'chores.' He is supposed to take out the trashes, put his own clothes away, and bring down the hamper.....but that doesn't mean I don't have to still ask him to do it....and I also ask him to vacuum sometimes. I will say, "Let's split the vacuuming, would you like top floor or bottom?" That way he knows that it's not a choice whether or not to vacuum...and I am pulling my weight - but he gets the choice of what he wants....or I'll say - the kitchen needs to be mopped and the bathroom needs to be cleaned - which would you like help with? The choice usually helps!!
As for kids - repeat, show, repeat, show, etc....and yes! Take away all privileges - they don't need to have fun while you clean...and if they don't do it right - make them do it over....and if they whine and cry then take away dessert....they'll eventually learn! :)

In response to your response :) I can tell you what's made a giant difference in our house. A friend of mine instituted a form of discipline that never thought would work at all, but not only did it get her kids in line, but we tried it and it works like a charm in my house, too.

If one of my younger children is told to do something and they whine, cry, throw themselves down, whatever, I squirt them with water in a spray bottle. I'm not kidding, just like you would with a cat. They will move heaven and earth to not get squirted. It has interrupted temper tantrums, stopped whining mid-syllable, stopped fighting siblings before punches are thrown...in short, it accomplishes what we are going for and doesn't harm anyone.

I never dreamed it would work. In fact, I refused to try it because it sounded so stupid. While I was gone one day and my teenage son was in charge, he tried it (because he was sick of the same stuff we are all sick of!) and lo, and behold, it worked!

My five year old is the one who will do what you described your son as doing...whining temper tantrums and making it so hard to get him to work that it wasn't worth it to try. Now I stand there with the spray bottle and if he starts in with "I caaaan't..." I pick up the squirt bottle and aim it in his direction. He snaps his mouth shut, and starts working on his chores. On the rare occasion that's he has continued, I start spraying a fine mist and stop when he stops, so far that's not been more than four squirts.

You might have had this suggested already but it never hurts to hear it again because its just that good and I swear by it... go to flylady.net. They have the best housecleaning ideas and helpful tips to get your kids to help. I think they call it "camp" for the kiddos. You have to look around their site and do some reading but its all great stuff and they have a great sense of humor, too. I get the daily email sent to me and read it when I have time. The basic concept is to do a little bit at a time. Something that has worked for me in regards to the husband is to sit down and define tasks that are his and yours. Yes, you will have more tasks but yes, he needs to do his part, besides picking up after himself. But if he knows that something is his ONLY he might be better about it. Instead of him thinking he is "helping" you, he will know he is doing HIS job. Maybe give him 2 tasks: emptying all trash cans and the dusting. If you end up doing these sometimes, he will know that you are "helping" him and maybe he will be more inclined to help you, too. Good luck!

I work FT and my husband is a FT student. We have two children, a two year old and a three month old. We both have had time to stay at home with the boys because of either school breaks or maternity leave.
We both take care of the boys. We both clean. And when one of us was staying home, the other did more work on the house because we knew how exhausting it can be to watch two young ones!
I really like the idea of going out with your girlfriends for a day. That's great! One way to have the conversation, though, is to talk about division of labor, like some others have said. Your husband works full-time. While he is working, does he also have the responsibility to clean the office he occupies? Is it his job to vaccuum as well as answer phones? Or is there someone else that has that job? Has the building "divided the labor" so each person can concentrate on their job? Yes. It is the same at home. Decide what you are supposed to do as a SAHM, and decide that together. Then divide up the rest.

I guess I am old fashioned in the sense that if you are a stay at home mom then the majority of house cleaning will fall on your shoulders. Does he shovel the walk.. mow the grass and take care of other things in the house? My husand has always helped when I ask but rarely does it on his own. That is my own fault, men do chores differentl then women do and we tend to find fault in the way things are done. Somethings are just not high on their priority list. De-stress... not everything needs to be done right away. Set your priorities...taking care of your husband and children come first. As far as the issue with your 9 year old son having "fits" about cleaning. I would start with one chore that he is responsible for. You may have alot of tears or fights but that is the way it is. Don't get angry.. just firm and give him a choice of what his chore will be. Taking out the garbage.. empty the trash in the house, doing dishes.. emptying out the dishwasher. Picking up toys or whatever you decide. Once you have that one chore accomplished then you can start giving him extra duties. Let him take part in what chore he wants to participate in. You will get alot more accomplished with little issues then forcing the issue. Being a wife.. mom.. housekeeping etc is a hard job but so worth it in the long run. Set your own priorities and be sure to take some down time for yourself. Homes don't have to be perfect to be happy.

A., We are going to show a seven week video series on dealing with child discipline by James Dobson at the Nazarene Church in Vale starting March 9th. Child care will be provided through 6th grade. Snacks and games for the kids and valuable information for you. We will have posters and info around town and hopefully something in the paper. Hope I meet you there.
S. B.

You and I sound a bit alike as in our house, the clutter is mine too. I just cannot get organized especially when it comes to paperwork and clothes because there just isn't enough room but some things I just can't see throwing away when we might still need them.

As for the house, sad as it is I see your husband's view and it's something mine says too though I still buck it sometimes. LOL In reality, he is gone 10 hours a day so he should not have to come home and clean the house too when I am home all day. Now granted, at night we clean up after dinner together. Hubby does the dishes while the boys and I vaccuum and wipe down the table and put food away. He does help vaccuum as well. So while I agree the husbands should help, I agree with them that we are the ones home all day and if you think about it, are you really working all day with your 4 1/2 year old? I'm not saying that to be smart. I am home with a 17 month old and then I have 2 school aged children. While they are at school, I know there are times during the day I could be doing more like right now when I'm on my computer instead. LOL

You and I should touch base if we find what works for us. Like I said, we are similar in this it sounds like. :)

I am one of the lucky ones I guess, my husband has always helped around the house. He can cook, he can dust, run sweeper, do laundry as since day one and we have been married 45 years. My children had chores to do, if they didn't do them, they didn't get to go............Period. I have done same with grandchildren, however at their own home they do nothing. Their mom didn't make them when little and now they are teens and it's worse. She is a single mom raising two boys and a girl and it was easier to just do it, they will not help her do anything now. She is busy making a living also and can't stay up with it all so her house is a wreck. Now when those kids are here and I need help they do it. I think it is because I had rules and they knew they had to follow them.

If you don't make them do it now, it only gets worse. NO it isn't going to be easy, but do you want your son to be like his DAD? My son didn't want to do either, but he and his wife work different shifts and he takes care of the kids, he cook, he cleans. Good luck.

I missed this one the first time around, and am not going to even try reading all the other responses, so if I'm repetitive, please forgive me. My thought on this is yes, you are the stay at home mom so most of the housework is probably your responsibility. However, husband and both children need to be responsible for cleaning up after themselves and not simply leave messes for you. You mentioned the cup of coffee your son spilled. How do you get him to clean it up properly... no play or priveledges until the job is done, period! It sounds like you may not have the backing from his father on this that you need, and if so I don't know how to tell you to get it, other than to perhaps simply sit down with your husband at some time when neither of you is upset already over this issue, and explain that from now on you will expect him to pick up and clean up after himself, and to back you in having the children do the same. Then, if he makes a mess, leave it! Take care of your own messes, and do the regular household chores, but let him figure out how to pick up and clean up after himself. Unless he's a total slob, I would think this would get his attention.
I hope you noticed that I didn't say your husband and son should pick up after themselves, but your husband and the children. Your 4 1/2 year old should have been learning to do this already. At that age, there are the requirements aren't quite as heavy, but a child of 4 1/2 can put away their own laundry, get out their own clothing and dress themselves, pick up their own toys, and yes, clean up spills they make. They may require a bit of help from time to time, but that's part of the learning process.
I am currently waiting out a two year old who thinks it's funny to take off shoes and socks, then whine because he can't go outside to play. He is fully capable of putting the socks back on by himself, and I will help with the shoes when he does that. Until then, no outside play, period! He thinks he's more stubborn than I am, but I'm sure he's wrong on that point.

My advice is to break the pattern immediately. Your pattern that is. Sometimes in an effort to get it done fat parents give intoo much. It seems easier, but the end results will mkae life very difficult. Requiring a child to clean their own mess is one of the first stpes towards learing about accountability, and it must be done. Your son is not fighting with you, he is playing with you and he is the lucky winner.
Take him by the hand, lead him to the mess and stand there until it is done. If he moves away, put him back.....until it is done. It make take 10-15 minutes at first, but he will get it. If he starts to scream or cry. Take him to his naughty chair and sit him there until he is ready to clean it up. It it is a mess that cannot wait (stain) make it clear that if you have to clean it up, he will not be allowed to play with any of his toys that day. Then stick to it

Dear A.,
I'm not sure what to tell you as far as your husband. If you stay home, I think all men expect it. My advice, as an older Mom is to make your kids do more. They are old enough to help. If you don't make them help now, they won't help later. That's where I am now. I wish I had made my kids help with the every day household chores from the beginning. Sorry I'm no help with your husband!

Hi A.,
I am neither married nor do I have children...however, men need a little thing called reverse psychology. Set something aside just for you and a girlfriend or 2 and treat yourself to something. tell him that he will need to watch the kids and help with the house. Have him do what you do during the day. If he knows what's good for him, he'll shut up about it. The day before show him around of what needs to be done. Make a list if you need to...that's my brother, i'm going to feel so sorry for his wife. Anyway, make a list, let him know that you'll be leaving early in the morning and that you might come in real late so he'll need to make supper, clean the house, get the kids ready for school or anything they may have. My aunt did this and my uncle has straightened up his act. Well, I hope this helped to some degree. Good luck and God Bless!

Merry Christmas,
A.

I have stayed home and ran my own business or I have worked full time outside the home. Either way my husband and I agreed upon responsibilities ahead of time. If I was to work he had to decide what he was to do to help and he chose laundry and he was always able to help with car pools to sports, He emptied the dishwasher. It was a team up to a point but was understood by all, that I did not have maid written across my ---. When I was home full time I did feel that the house and kids were my job to a point. Husbands learn by how they were raised. If their Mom was a stay at home do everything woman then the men think we should be too. Sorry honey times have changed. We would have date nights to talk so it would not become a fight.I picked what was the most important subject to bring up(pick your battles) He was gently led to help more. Just like the kids lots of praise when they do help. They need to learn that they reap rewards when you get help and am not so tired. Men are children in many ways. Complain they shut down. Praise and they like all of us listen and respond. You both become happier people. Yes it takes time. Nagging will get no where. We have raised our children and have been married over 40 years and he brings me coffee in bed and still does the laundry.

I also took a few weekends away with my girlfriend to the ocean and my husband was left with the children. He realized what I did then and appreciated me more. I appreciated how hard he worked for us and he learned to appreciate how hard I worked at home too.

It is important to make time for your children, your husband and yourself.

It was not a spotless home but it was clean just messy sometimes. The biggest lesson I learned was to not sweat the small stuff if a towel laid on the floor a little longer because my son wanted to cuddle so be it.

Our house was lived in and loved and the neighbor kids were always here. I loved the house full of laughter rather than yelling.

You sound like a loving caring Mom just relax and it is a group effort. Involve your husband in family time and remind him what a great guy he is.

Good Luck

A.,
You are the MOM. You need to teah both of your children that they MUST clean up after themselves. Their future spouses will thank you. Everyone can clean up, they just need a little instruction. My Mother had us clean before the TV came on or we where taken to any function on a Saturday. Yes I complained, I was a child. At age 4 I had to help fold laundry, mostly the towels and socks. By age 9 I was mopping floors and running the vacum.
Now I am so glad my mother showed me the correct way to clean so many things.
Now to the husband, I have found after 22 years I can get him to clean nothing. He had 4 sisters who helped his mother. He sees it as woman's work. Boy do I hate that!!!!! My brother cleaned right next to us and he is fine. Men need to learn as little boys that housework is done by everyone who lives in the house.
Good luck!!!!

My house is very similar. But I have my kids help with the house work. Your third grader is old enough to start learning now. My girls are 10 and 11 and have been helping clean the house since they were 6 and 7. They dust and clean their bathroom, vacuum, and do windows. They just started with the toilet a year ago. My husband won't clean unless I ask and then it is only vacuuming. He says his responsibility is the outside of the house, I don't mow, and mine is the inside.

If he's not going to help voluntarily then he doesn't have the right to complain. My husband knows that now. If he is going to complain then he can do something about it himself. It took years (we've been married 13 years) for him to realize this. My house is not the neatest in town and never will be. I value the time I have with my kids more than a clean house. That was wise advice I was given by a little old lady in our church when I was pregnant with my first. Don't worry so much about how clean your house is than the time you spend with your kids. Enjoy them now. Good luck and God Bless.

I will tell you something my exMIL said to me when I asked her to talk to her son about giving a hand. This is when I was a working mom of 1, and then did daycare for 50+ hours a week in our home. She said that there are just some things that women are expected to do. See why she is EX-MIL? LOL No, really. He was totally okay with me coming home, and later not even doing daycare if he didn't have to wash the toilet, even though his mother ALWAYS worked, cooked, and cleaned the house, NEVER expected the husband or boys to pitch in ever. And, her house was clean. You could also tell she never had a moment to eat. :) Our minister tried to encourage this 19yo how it would help him later on in the night if he would help with the dishes and do acts of kindness for his wife. :) TRIED.

This is a delicate balance to approach him with though. He does work all week. I don't know that it is the work that is too much as it is time management and organization. And, actually the BIGGIE, is doing it ALONE for so many hours a week. Most men don't work alone all week. You may explain that to him. That you would like him to do some of these things together. Tell him he motivates you better on things you have to do day after day and week after week, while the kids just keep getting the stuff dirty.

And, my DH (now) would help when I worked with him and we had 2, but he didn't like it at all. He also did his share of complaining when I needed his help when we had 4 children under 7yo, and I was home FT. Now, he probably does better cleaning than I do, as we have 7 children, and I homeschool them. But, it is out of necessity.

Recently, I was on the couch for 40 hrs nearly straight from this bad illness we are all getting. I told him when he got home, I really needed him to do the dishes, as some of the kids are sick too. He told me he wasn't. So, I tried to plead for him to stay home on Monday. He gave his boss the option of letting him off for his sick wife, so of course, he didn't let him be off. So, the man isn't perfect.

Now, he does see the mess now(its been 11 yrs), and will lend a hand on his single day off and order the children about to get them to clean their messes while I run errands (usually for alone time). So, perhaps that would help you. See if DH will help the children learn to clean their own rooms. If he is delegating, and supervising, the cleaning is getting done and the children are learning good character skills and work ethic.

Oh, and chore charts for the children would be good to start now if you haven't already. Otherwise, when they are in their teens, they will have already learned it isn't their job either.

I wish I had seen your post earlier. After getting a few comments like that from my husband, I reminded him that my job as a stay-at-home mom was to take care of the children. They are my first priority and everything else takes a back seat (I still made sure the most important stuff was done). If he wanted me to make the housework my top priority, I'd have to hire a part-time nanny to care for the kids.
I then listed everything that being a full-time mom entailed and then everything that needed to be done around the house so he could see how overwhelming it was to be responsible for EVERYTHING.
It was a real eye-opener for him. He is now MUCH more helpful, even if I have to ask him to do specific tasks.
I also made a simple list for my 6-year-old of things that HE is responsible for. He knows exactly what is expected of him and there are consequences for not completing them.
One thing that helps is having my husband and son work together. They do an awesome job cleaning the bathroom and putting laundry away. It's good for children to see Daddy helping and doing his part around the house, and it gives my husband a chance to have some one-on-one time with our kids.

I have two suggestions:

1) If you can find time, read Positive Discipline--then hold a family meeting and come up with some solutions.

2) If the solutions don't work, hire someone to come in and help. This may seem frivolous since you are a SAHM, but it will be well worth your sanity. I hired one to come in once a week when I was working full time. After I quit my job to be a SAHM, I kept her on. She comes every other week now. She spends two hours and does the floors, bathrooms and kitchen. It is a great investment and a wonderful feeling to take my son somewhere for a couple of hours and to come home to a clean house. I've asked my husband to consider it a gift to me. He doesn't complain much, because I am much happier.

BTW in the evenings before bed, I ask my son to clean up his toys, clothes, etc. While he is doing it, I say, "see daddy's shoes are out and he is putting them away." My husband gets the message and goes along.

Well, I know what you mean, but to be blunt, you probably made it easy for him to be the way he is. Don't let that happen to your kids!! If you teach them to be responsible and helpful now, that will go with them into adulthood. My kids were dusting and vacuuming at age 4, or before. Heck, when my son was 1 we got him his own small kiddie vacuum, and he loved it. It was great when he got the age when I actually expected it of him. A 4 year old can run a dust cloth over tables. Have your 3rd grader clean the sink and tub, and you do the toilet. Ask your husband if just once a week he can run the vacuum for you on whatever day you guys decide. Then clean up the 90% of clutter that is yours and you just might be feeling better. Ask for help, or you will never get it!

I'm a SAHM too. I also sometimes get frustrated with my husband for not chipping in as much as I'd sometimes like. Being a SAHM means that being a MOM comes first. Your kids come first. Cleaning comes second. However, since I am a SAHM, I do believe that most of the cleaning is my responsibility. My husband does the yard work, takes out the trash, and has a few other chores he does, but cleaning is mine. I get frustrated when he makes a mess and leaves it to me to clean up, but if it's my mess, I definitely clean up after myself.

You've gotten some good tips about helping to divide the chores. Try to involve everyone to do their share. Your 3rd grader is old enough to help load and unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, dust, cleanup after his/her self, sort laundry, and do other chores after school or on the weekend. Your 4 year old can start helping in small ways too by cleaning up after his/her self, dusting areas down low, etc.

I would say that as a stay at home mom, you are responsible for daily chores (bathroom cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, cooking, laundry, etc.) Your husband works hard all day to provide for your family. Even though you may not like housework, it must be done. I would say, you are responsible for all the common areas of the house (kitchen, living/dining, bathrooms, master bedroom). Your children should be responsible for their bedrooms and bathrooms. I would have a family meeting and let them know that you will do a cleaning of the house once per day and then if it is messy after that cleaning, then whoever makes the mess has to clean it up. For your younger child, help him with the cleaning, so that he can learn how to clean and it can be straight to your satisfaction. For your older child, any chore that he does not know how to do, it is your responsibility to teach him. Teach him by modeling the chore for him. I would not do the chore for him, except if he chose not to and paid you for doing it. That way at least you get paid for it. I would restrict both of my children from tv or electronic privileges as well as having friends over or going anywhere until their homework is done and their areas are clean to your satisfaction. I would also make a point to have a date night with your husband and work on your marriage/courting again. Best of luck with all this. Flylady.net does help as others have suggested.

Hi,
I know where you are!! I used to work full-time and do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning,etc. and still have to be in the mood for everything everyone else wanted to do.I started having frequent meltdowns and had to quit my job,because ,it all became too much. Now my kids ,even the 4 year old(small ones for her) have chores.If the older ones fight me on them they lose privliges or earn extra chores.There is no place on us that says MAID .We should have help also.It teaches our children responsibility for when they get out on their own.

go to flylady.net there you will find answers to your questions. Yes it is hard to keep house when the other 'adult' doesn't help, but you can do it :) and there is also a link for the housefairy there- that is for the kids to learn to help with their stuff. good luck- S.- mom to 9- 7 still at home

I am so lucky, but it took a lot of work.

I too have a 4 1/2 year old. When I ask him to do something that is expected of him, like start to clean up after himself, and he throws a tt, I realize it is a temporary battle. I don't want to raise a selfish man, I want to raise a responsible, generous and clean young man. So, my 4-year old must do it. If not, he gets a choice: Do it or time out.

My son watches me clean and tidy up and you should see my 4-yr old's construction site on the side of the house. All his trucks are neatly lined up. It's kinda cool. (I snicker to myself.)

Now, pertaining to hubby, that is a different story. I have been with my mine for many years and I am married to a wonderful guy.

Before kids, he had to help me. We both worked and I believed that chores were 50/50. Well, I still may have done most of the work, but he did a lot.

I remember though, it wasn't easy. At the beginning, I would ask him to do chores, and he would throw a tt like a 4-year old. I realized that he would only get upset when I asked him to help, but I stood my ground.

Now, WOW! We have kids. I am a SAHM. He gets up and helps me with the morning chores, before he leaves for work. We both work all day! I don't sit on my butt watching TV all day. I take care of my kids and keep the house tidy.

Then when he comes home, we both do child care and clean! Sometimes, he will even do it all for me as I have worked hard all day. He will clean the kitchen after dinner and bathe the kids and put them to bed, if I have to do other stuff or need a little R&R.

We are a team. My job isn't 8-5 and neither is his. We don't view it like that. We share tasks. Just because he is the bread winner, doesn't excuse him from chores.

Look at it this way: If he was a single parent, living in an apt, he would have chores, right?

My kids are too young to clean right now. But I am not going to raise sons that, when/if they marry, expect a wife/maid.

Anyway, bottom line is: Stand your ground mom. If mama ain't happy, nobody happy!

Some mom's can get their homes spic-n-span and watch the kids all in 8-9 hours per day but I can't.

One last thing: I firmly believe that when the family members all pitch in, they appreciate their home and what it takes to keep it up, more!

Good luck!

If your husband wants your sons to grow up responsible and respectful of others, he needs to set an example. It sounds like your children are picking up on this and are refusing to clean up their own messes because they see your husband refusing to help with messes he contributes to (dishes, laundry, bathroom, etc.). I stay at home with our child and a half, and my husband has always been busy, first with full-time work plus school, now with medical school, but while I assume responsibility for general upkeep of the home, he helps clean up around the house because, in his words, he contributes to it. Have you explained to your husband the problems his attitude will cause for your children? If they go through life thinking other people are responsible for cleaning up their own messes, not only are they likely to litter, but they're likely to get into trouble socially, at school, and with the law, expecting you to fix the mess for them. It's a whole life attitude.

I love books by John Rosemond, such as "A Family of Value", where he states very clearly and common-sensically that one of the duties of a parent is to teach their children respect for others and responsibility for themselves. If a child doesn't learn how to respect their parents, they'll never learn how respect other people. Good luck!

Hi A..

I see you've gotten a lot of responses. Id like to respond to your update. I see why this would be a frustratig situation: in your mind your son does a pretty superficial job of helping out and in his mind he's helping. It also doesnt help that your husband has reinforced the kids poor behavior. What I would do in this difficult situation is:

with your sons:
- let them know how you feel when something is messed up. Ex. "I feel overstretched when I need to clean ___ (and rattle off a list). I would love if you could help me out by putting your clothes away (or by wiping the counter clean so that no coffee stains are showing)

with your husband:
- I would make up a list of chores and the length of time it takes to do them. I would probably keep track of my time for a week and let hm see that all you have to do probably surpasses 10 hours a day. Let him know that youre at the end of your rope (men sometimes need the problem to be exaggerated a bit in order to react) and that your mental health is at stake!

I know these seem like quick fix solutions and Im sure there is no quick fix but this might be a starting point. Good luck!!!

Hi A.,

i have raised 5 of my own and have helped in raising 26 foster children. You need to run, don't walk to the library and get a copy of "Parenting with love and logic".
At our house we do "think it over" time, and fast and snappy drills when the child won't comply. We sit on them if all else fails (until they do it, MY WAY, RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, FAST AND SNAPPY).....My kids are grown, now. They are all good students who have been successful at a young age in both jobs and relationships. No child should expect you to do anything they are able to do themselves. It is neither good for them or for you.

V. in Alabama

I understand your frustration.
When my kids were younger, I would set up the vacuum in the room I wanted done, and have the child do that room. I set it up in the farthest place from the door, so that at least there would be some real vacuuming getting done.

Picking up - get a basket or bag for each child. Have them go through the room and pick up all of their things. Whatever is left, they obviously don't want, goes in the trash. All it takes is once... trust me.

The bathrooms - OMG! When you figure this one out, let me know.

My Mr. used to give me a little bit of hard time about the house. I left him home for the weekend with a pile of laundry, 2 kids, and list of times and places they had to be. That took care of that.

When you clean, have your younger one - who probably isn't in school - help you. My youngest loved wiping counters and cleaning sinks. It wasn't perfect, but I didn't care! It was done.

Have your kids empty the dishwasher. That's an easy chore that they can do. They might not know where everything goes, but they'll learn. You'll need to stand there and tell them where everything goes the first 10 times, but they'll get it.

The kids' rooms - I can't stand the messes in there, but they are their rooms. I shovel them out once a year when they go to summer camp. Other than that, I leave them be - with suggestions of vacuuming, picking up, putting away, etc. The threat that works best - no friends until that room is picked up the way Mom likes it. Then walk away. The choice is theirs.

Good luck!!!
xo
LBC

Most men I know of (from what my friends tell me about their husbands) are the same way, including my husband. My husband & I have talked about this many times. He needs me to tell him what to do ('go put the laudry away' 'go unload the dishwasher', ect.). I feel like I have to treat him like a child when it comes to cleaning (we have 2 boys). I agree with most of the moms that a SAHM should do most of the actual cleaning (laundry, bathrooms, ect.), since we are home all day. However, your husband & children should help with: the trash, dishes, general picking up & putting away laundry. They should also help when you ask them to help with other cleaning. Unfortunately (like with my husband) it is just something that you may have to accept (forgive me if I am being too blunt). I am a SAHM of a 1st grader (soon to be homeschooled) & a 3 y/o.

God Bless & Merry Christmas!

A.,

I know you have gotten alot of emails. If you find mine through all of the other ones... give me a call ###-###-####. I am a professional organizer, family coach, speaker, etc... and I speak on the very thing you are struggling with. The name of my business is Get Organized!

You are the boss.. you do not except the word NO. While I don't do FREE calls... for you I'll make an exception. I have some creative ideas you must follow to have success.

Alot of this comes down to the lack of parenting.... a problem that you created. Not in call cases but we need to talk.

But remember you are still raising them and that takes years... and well maybe a life time.

Looking forward to earing from you.

L. B.
www.GetOrganized.ws

I don't know what goes on inside your marriage, but you do. And I guess you'll have to figure out what kind of man you married, and if it's possible to have a serious, calm discussion with him about fairness.

I work part-time and my husband works full-time, so of course I do more housework than he does. However, the hours he's at work are the hours that I have work -- either at my job, or at home. Once he's home, all duties are shared. And that's how it should be for you two, as well.

I laid the groundwork for a shared partnership long ago. I was raised a feminist, and have long believed that women shouldn't have to do the lion's share of the housework simply because they are women. I married a very good, decent, fair man. I told him what I wanted from marriage, and he agreed. Because he is a good, decent, fair person, he understood all along that I wasn't going to wait on him, and that we were in it together.

He has always done half the parenting, when we are both home. He likes a neat house, and he has always contributed to keeping it neat. Here are some of the things he does: make breakfast for the children 7 days a week, pack their lunches, volunteer in their classes, walk through the house once or twice daily putting things away in each room, do the major grocery shopping run once a week, and wash dishes some of the time. When I'm sick, he steps up and does all the dishes, does all of the bedtime routine, etc.

It is possible! Good luck.

Just reading your request, I can feel your frustration, but this did not happen overnight and it will not go away overnight!!!!! You have trained them to respond this way, because it WORKS for them. I suggest that when they ask you to do something for them, just respond with their same actions.....this is for your extended response as what is happening now with your children. Stop being a push-over, they are training you instead of you training them...You are the MOTHER and HEAD TRAINER !!!!! As far as your husband, they are much harder, it takes sugar and spice !!!! When he does help, praise him and tell him how much it means to you and how helpful it is when he does just small things. Explain this gives you more time to do the major things that are necessary. Are you a stay at home mom? It is harder for a man to feel responsibility for the major cleaning when you stay home, but husbands should feel part of the team.....your work is 24/7/365...you deserve some "relief," try to help him to see this...it can be very rewarding for your entire family. I speak with tons of experience, and I cannot say I was always successful, but these are things that have worked best for me...Keep your eyes on and heart on the good times, not the bad, it certainly will become overwhelming.
Good Luck..na

Hello.I hope you are doing better.I would say my opinion is you should talk to your husband and let him know it is not only your responsibility to clean.I'm sorry to say I use to have the same problem with mine before we split and I said I'll just through it away then you'll have nothing.Which I probably wouldn't really.But I think couples should help each other with things Cleaning,taking turns changing a diaper,cooking,ect.Have you tried telling him just because he married you doesn't mean you are his personal slave.He should help you out.What does he think would happen if you were really sick or in the hospital?would he just leave it .Hope all goes well
irish

Oh my gosh, I have the exact same issues! I am in the process of trying to come up with a chore chart and yep, my husbands name is going to be on it too. I am not a SAHM unfortunately but still, your husband need to understand that to set a good example for your kids you have to practice what you preach. If you want your kids to do chores then they need to see mom AND DAD doing them as well. If your husband just sits there watching tv while you do all the cleaning then your kids will think they don't have to do them. I would try talking to him about it and tell him you just can't do it all. If that doesn't work then try not cleaning and see how he likes living in his own messes. Some one once gave me a great idea for when you can't get the rest of the family to rinse there own dishes and put them in the sink. I haven't tried it yet but I plan on it if they don't start doing it. you go to the dollar store and you but a set of 4 dishes for each person in the home but each set needs to be a different color. Then go home and remove all the dishes in the house and tell each person what color is theres and they are to only use their own and if they don't rinse their dishes and put them in the dish washer and they end up with nothing to eat on when you serve dinner then, well I guess they don't get to eat till they wash their dishes. I don't know if that is even an issue for you but if it is I think its a great idea. I too have a 9 and 1/2 year old but a girl. She is the exact same way and I tend to do what you do. To save the fight and the crying its just faster and easier to do it myself but its really teaching them bad habits. Just last night my daughter informed me at 9:45 as I am fighting with her to get her upstairs and in bed that she has some home work that she forgot to finish. As I was telling her that it should have been done friday when I asked her if she had any, she was making every excuse like usual, she tells me well its only 5 words gosh. about then my husband (her step dad) jumped in and he kind of yelled at her (which I am trying to get him to stop doing) he said it doesn't matter Amber it should have been done Friday and in the snotiest voice I have ever heard she yelled back at him and said "Oh would you just stop!" I about flipped my lid. I looked at her and said "You are grounded from the phone and computer" Now, the problem I am having is we tend to threten her all the time but we never stick to it. She always manages to worm her way out of it. After this happened it prompted me to get out the poster board I bought several months ago to make a list of house rules on and actually start it. the first rule of course is, No phone or computer until all homework and chores are finished. So, maybe you should try a chore chart so that everyone knows what is expected of them and when even your husband. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you should have to do everything. On teh weekends when I am home with my kids (my boy is 1 and 1/2) I can't manage to even get 1 area cleaned. kids consume alot of time I don't know how anyone manages to keep a clean home when they have little ones attached to their legs at all times. I hope you find something that works for you. when you do, let me know. I'll try just about anything at this point! :)

Please read and re-read Kathy's advice....Karens is wonderful too...I wish I had the gift of words to say things the wonderful way they did. Somehow you and your husband need to sit down and talk things over in a calm and loving way...remember that you dont just want to talk about who does what but you want to talk about what you are teaching your children throughout the whole process. I agree that most of the housework is your responsibility, since you are a stay at home Mom...but your children are old enough to be learning to help with things....pick up after themselves..."Make" their own bed ( You cant be too picky about the results..it's the effort you are going for here!!!). Dont sweat the small things...relax...enjoy your family...believe me they will be gone before you know it!! My youngest is now 25 and I swear it was just last week that I was wiping her fingerprints off the front window after she stood and watched for her Daddy to come home from work!!!!
Life is meant to be lived...and families are meant to be loved...
R. Ann

If you are lucky enough to stay home with your children all day while your husband is working all day at his job, you should not be offended that part of your "job," in addition to raising children, is to keep the house running and clean. With that said, you are not a "maid" and each family member should be respectful enough to pick up after themselves. Based on your later response, it sounds more like your kiddos are wearing you out and you just don't have the energy. Involve them, not as a chore, but as a "helper."

You are a trooper for being able to put up with this as long as you have. My kids are 5 and 3 and I feel that way much of the time. What has helped me is to keep my own mess picked up and clean as much as possible. The little ones really do learn from example. Each child knows that they must keep their room picked up, and I don't have to remind them to do it very often. My son doesn't get into bed until is toys are picked up in his room - by his choice now. My daughter needs a little more help with it, but they have different personalities. It's difficult to get them to pick up the playroom, but I think that is because it gets so messy. When it's really messy, they don't know where to start. I have to be in there and help them by asking them to tackle one thing at a time.

I am really working to keep my stuff put away, because this theory works on my husband too. He told me yesterday that he stopped hanging up his clothes because he noticed I had laundry on the end of the bed one day. I guess he figured if I am getting lazy, he can too! What an eye-opener. I know that I lead by example for sure now. The kids are getting it and if they don't I keep them from their games, tv time, playing with friends, until their job is done. Yes, it does come to that on occasion.

I'm a work in progress and always battling my clutter issues, but this is what works for me. Good luck!

I'm responding to you update. I think it's time that you put your foot down. Strip the bedrooms and the video games from your home. Rent a storage locker if their at school if you have to. Unplug the computer or put severe parental controls on it, no computer for the kids. Then you will have more time to deal with your clutter fixing the source of blame and the kids won't have anything to do but their chores. Explain that after a week if they have done what you have asked without prompting or having to redo it then they can buy back one thing. Clothes first, boring toys next and video games/computer last. This is a severe route but it does work. My big kids clean up really fast when they are asked now and they do a great job. They were about 5/6 when we used this method and we only had to do it once.

I am with you here, but I don't see the cleaning issue. Yes, as a SAHM, the home is your responsibility as many have said BUT, as a parent, it is your responsibility to raise your children to be responsible. And that means taking care of their home, which means chores. And that includes your husband.He is teaching the children, by his actions, that Mom is the maid. And that is why you are feeling like one. If your child doesn't do the chores you lay out for them, then you have to follow through and take the computer, and I mean physically, away. What I see in your response is your child telling you what to do and you do it. It should be the other way around. He doesn't have to say no to discipline him. If the outcome isn't as you like, then that is reason enough to discipline. Be firm. And I'm guessing you won't get support form hubby on this one. However, you could explain that daddy works outside the home, that is his responsibility, and we are at home, and this is our responsibility. I also like the flylady.com, it gives a decent perspective. Good luck!