What Should I Do? - Saint Louis,MO

A counciler once told me that a womans gut instinct is 90% correct. I wouldn't leave her alone w/him again. Better to be safe than sorry. Have you asked her about someone touching her inappropiately?

You can never protect her too much! I personally would never leave my daughter with any man other than her father.

If you even have an INKLING that he may do something...DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT leave her with him. And I am not overreacting. By the time I decided to take action for my daughter it was too late. It has affected her all her life and she is now 27 years old.

Go with your gut feelings, they are almost always right and do NOT take any chances with your baby. Think how you would feel if you didn't take action now and realize when it is too late that your instincts were correct. Now days you just never know about people and the nicest person could be that pervert that nobody expected to be like that. Good luck and cherish that baby like nothing else!!! All she has to protect her are mommy and daddy.......

It's okay to trust yourself. If you think someone might harm your daughter, it's okay to keep her away from that person.The worst that happens is...you've kept her away from someone... You are right in that your daughter might not react the way her father expects if anything does happen. She could become the opposite, a super clingy girl who does inappropriate touching to adults and appears almost sexual at a very young age. She also might not have any major changes in behavior... Do what you gotta do for your piece of mind and your child's safety.

I was also molested when I was still a child. I know what it feels like to question yourself, and wonder about overreacting versus vigilance to keeping our children safe.

It's also okay not to be "the perfect mom". Just be your daughter's mom, rather than some idea of what "you should be/do".

J., I think it's completely natural that someone who WAS molested as a child would have an extra ration of fear for her daughter.

But whether you are or are not "over-reacting," if both you and your daughter's dad have any concerns about it at all, you shouldn't leave her in the roommate's care. Since, by definition, you're not there when it happens, the only way you can be completely certain that it's not happening is not to leave her alone with him. Whether that means finding a sitter for her when both parents have to be out, or even finding a different roommate, you need to make yourself comfortable about this issue.

Good luck to you!

YOU MUST TRUST YOUR GUT ON THIS!!! If you and her father have both had this feeling, there's a good chance it is right. Even if this man is a stand-up individual who would never hurt your daughter, what is the harm in not leaving her alone with him? I believe that we are equipped with a sense about people most of the time, but especially as women, we tend to ignore it because we are afraid of offending someone. What is worse - offending someone, or having your daughter molested? If your daughter loves this man, they can still spend time together in supervised situations, and no one is the wiser, but everyone is protected. Please trust yourself!

J.: Please follow your instincts and make sure that your daughter spends no time alone with your roommate. As parents, we really need to listen to that inner voice. I don't know you or your situation, but I would not let a man that I didn't trust into my house wit my children. Just because you were molested does not mean you are overreacting. If anything, your history may make you feel like you are powerless to act or may make you doubt yourself. Please listen to what your gut is telling you.

We all have a little voice inside us to warn us when something is not right. Many of us don't listen, and later regret ignoring that sage advice. Don't wait for anything concrete, get this man out of your daughters life NOW--tomorrow may be too late. You don't have to apologize for making the decision--it is your duty to take care of the child, not worry if you will offend him. It can save this little girl years of heartache and emotional trauma and scars--I know, I've been there.

Get him away from your daughter, a mother's instinct is never wrong. Considering her age, she wouldn't know he is doing something wrong if it feels good to her or if he makes it into a game.

Good luck,
D.

J.,
I pray you will listen to you intuition and your child's father intuition. Your daughter is too important to make the mistake of not doing so. Change your living arrangements and childcare. Please do not leave your daughter with someone that does not feel safe to you.

Blessings to you,
D. R

This seems like a no brainer to me...if you think your roomate is molesting your child, get him out!!! No questions ....period. A 15 month old child is not old enough to convey whether or not something is happening so it is your responsibility as a parent to do what you feel is right.

You should listen to your instincts and honor that. If you have any reservations about this person you need to put the child's safety FIRST.

Go with your gut feeling. It is not worth the risk where your child is concerned. This happens all too frequently and then you could also face charges for endangering your child if something should happen. What is a 40 yr old doing living with 27 yr olds???

What? If you even have a TINY feeling he might "do something" then never,ever,ever let this guy around your kid! Especially after what happened to you! She is 15 months old - she will get over it if she doesn't see this man again but she won't get over it if he "does something" to her

Why would you wait to see if something happens? Get out, kick him out, just get the roomate out of your life. Scale down your expenses live on credit WHATEVER, just get out of the situation. Why don't you trust your feelings and even if you don't trust yours why don't you trust your boyfriend's? How long did your situation go on before someone noticed? She may like this guy, but she is 15m and won't remember leaving him. If something happens to her she will never forget him. Much Love! Trust Yourself!

GO WITH YOUR GUT!!!
God is prompting you here. He's telling you that you need to get this man out of your lives right now. That guy needs to move out tomorrow!!! If not for your daughter's safety, for your own.

Please trust your gut. I was molested by a very close family friend. If only my parents had trusted their feelings over not wanting to "rock the boat..."

You should know the signs of someone that was molested, just watch for the signs. Has this guy had past issues of molesting kids if so go with your gut instinct. Mothers know best. Altho not sure how much a 15mth would show signs. Does your daughter go to him or go near him at all when your around?

I was malested to for many of my childhood years and i no how it is to have a feeling like you do about a person. You get an uneasy feeling inside you. My best advice is to not let him watch her anymore. Follow your gut entstenct you know what its is like to be molested and the impact it had on your life. I cant tell you what to do. But if you do deside to keep letting him watch her, watch there reactions together. Some babys dont understand what is going on and even if he does do anything to her she my not react in the way you would think, like cry, not want to be around him. So just pay really close attention to the relationship between them and how he is with her and you will probably get your answer.

Well, first of all I've got to ask why you feel that this man might inflict a form of harm to your baby? Second, I would find out his history, has he ever inflicted harm to anyone else or another child? That's something for public knowledge. Honestly, though if there's nothing to explain these thoughts then it probably isn't occuring. But, I will say 90% of the time a parents feelings are correct. It's that maternal instinct.

I always say go with your gut. There is a reason you feel insecure about this situation. Find another "emergency" alternative for your child.

If you have the slightest suspicion...never leave her alone with him again!! At least until you're sure he hasn't done anything to her! Have you asked her if he has touched her? Would she be able to communicate that with you? Do you ask her what they do when you're gone, or have her show you what they do...I don't know the man in question, he may be totally harmless. But if it were my kid and I had any suspicion, I would go on the defensive and find out fast...better than what "could" happen if you chalk it up to just being an overreactor.

I was abused be my father when I was little. I have two girls ages 2 and almost 4. I would trust your gut instinct. You said your ex had the same feeling. Trust them. I would rather be safe than sorry. Expecally concerning my girls. I would never want what happened to me to happen to them.

Good luck, I will pray for you and the situation.

Virginia

Simple, tell him good bye and get another roommate. dont wait until it has happened. besides if you feel this way, it is sure to stress your household, and is that the type of atmosphere you want your child brought up in....... always worried, watching, wondering, Hoping, and not trusting yourself.

Why do you have this 40 year old roommate? I'm a little confused.

Jaime,
TRUST YOUR GUTT FEELING!!!!! You and your baby's father are her first and foremost advocate. Don't wait for her to be afraid of this person and then respond by not letting him watch her!!! IT WILL BE TOO LATE!!!! Do not leave your child with this person if you have even one time felt uncomfortable with them or even had an 'uncertain' unexplained feeling about him. Find someone to care for your child who meets your standard and don't worry about hurting the adults feelings. In the end, your child will thrive in a safe, loving environment!!
B. Harter (mother of three...10,8 and 2 years)

I was abused as a child to. I had a strange feeling that someone had been doing something with my daughter to. But just like you I thought that I was just overreacting. Now that I look back I see it completely different. She start acting really weird. She became really interested in her body and everyone else's. And she didn't have a problem with the person who did. At this age they don't know it's wrong and they don't remember much. Still to this day she plays with herself at times and always wants to see others. With a lot of talking she's getting much better. Listen to your gut. If this persons doing it they won't admit it. Just watch your daughter she will tell you.

Go with your gut, you can never overreact when it comes to your children's safety. Especially if both of you have had that gut feeling. Always better to be safe rather than sorry.

Oh my goodness. If you even have the SLIGHTEST uncomfortable feeling, I would get rid of the roomate. I would NEVER take chances with my child. You are NOT overreacting. You are a GOOD mother with a difficult past who loves her child. And I wouldn't worry about hurting your roomate's feelings, because the safety and wellness of your precious child is WAY more important than any roomate. Please, take my advice, before something bad does happen and you regret it for the rest of your life. Protect your child.

TRUST your intuition! That's what it's there for. Why take a chance? That's your daughter's well being you're talking about. Don't leave her alone with him.

I don't have family close to where we live, but I am in a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. We have a co-op where we trade points for sitting for each other's children. I know other moms groups that do that as well.

If you have a feeling, that "feeling" is trying to tell you something. Listen.

I would not leave my child with him! If you and your husband are both having these feelings, trust it! Figure out something else to do for a babysitter, and tell him you feel it would be best for her. You could also ask him to move out...that your family is just needing the extra space or something... and I guess as a last resort, get a nanny-cam, although if it is happening, that would put her in a position of having it happen again so you can prove it which would not be good...

I will say a prayer for your daughter and your family.

B.

I would never, never leave my daughter with an adult man alone, other then her daddy. I hear so many times about young girls being molested. My personal philosophy is "Why give it any opportunity?" It only take to things to tempt molestation to occur. 1. Availability: Your roomate definately has this 2. Trust: It also sounds like he has this. If he has any thoughts of doing something inappropriate with your daughter, you would not know for years. She is way to young to protect herself. She is a precious, baby girl! I have always learned to trust my mother insticts! Everytime I have I was never, never sorry! Even if this guy is a saint, it is NOT WORTH THE RISK that he may not be one. If there is the slightest hint of doubt you need to find someone else to watch your little girl. No matter what it costs! You can always pay off debt, you can never give her back what a molester is capable of taking away.
I am a 40 year old mother of 3, I have been married to my best friend for 18+ years and I am finally able to be at home with my children. I had to work when the oldest was little. Sometimes you don't get to choose. My husband use to think I was overprotective, but we have been really surprised over the last 18 years what some people are capable of. Now he thanks me all the time for being so protective of our children. I pray my children and yours will never have to endure what you did as a child. God Bless!

My response is the same as everyone else-----trust your gut! God gave this instinct to you. You have it for a reason. I hope everything works out.

A mother's instinct is very strong. Follow your gut and do what feels right to you. You will probably make someone mad, but you have to put your daughter first. Good luck!

OKAY you obviously know what to do now...... but how to break the news to your room mate...

I would tell him, that NO OFFENSE TO HIM, you just DON'T KNOW HIM THAT WELL, so you want to hire a professional to watch your kids, or you can say your "mom" wants to watch her, even if you are really taking her to another friend or something.... he should understand that a grandma gets priority over him watching her.... (even if it is a little white lie for your child's safety!)

I can tell you don't want him watching her, but don't know what to tell him, without "accusing" him of something...

I myself was molested and a child and my oldest daughter was to at a daycare we took her to when she was 9 months. All I know to tell you is trust your gut....if you have a feeling then only allow him around your child when you or dad are around.

I think some mothers can overreact about wearing a jacket outside or even curfew. But when it comes to the safety and health of your child, no, you're not overreacting. Especially in your situation. This is not something to ignore. If you have a bad feeling, I say go with how you feel. And do what you think is best. No matter what.

Are you insane? ANYTIME you even think something could possibly be going on its best to assume that it is until you know otherwise. The damage that will happen to your child will have effects that last a lifetime. Your child is not worth maybe stepping on someone else's toes.

I personally have 4 kids, I have friends who have ignored feelings of what MIGHT happen, and have ended up sorry later. I as a mom would rather be safe and risk offending an adult than ever have the guilt IF something DID happen. Having experienced it yourself, wouldn't you want to take every precaution possible not to allow your daughter to go through the same experience and hurt?

AS A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST, WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO HAVE
THESE THOUGHTS...........ACT UPON IT. TAKE HER TO A DR
AND HAVE HER EXAMINED. CHECK IT IN EVERY WAY AND NEVER
TRUST THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN TO YOU TO
ANOTHER. AND, YES, MOLESTED CHILDREN ARE USUALLY MOLESTED
BY THE PERSON OR PERSONS YOU WOULD LEAST EXPECT. UNLESS YOU
HAVE A PROVEN TRUST IN A PERSON REGARDLESS OF WHO THEY ARE,
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THEM.

MY E MAIL IS ____@____.com TELE: ###-###-####,
YOU ARE WELCOME TO CALL IF YOU WOULD LIKE AND WE CAN TALK.

TRUST THIS STILL SMALL VOICE OF GOD WHICH COULD BE WARNING
YOU......PRAY, AND SEEK GOD'S DIRECTION.

GOD BLESS, N. J ANDREW, PhD

You were given instincts for a reason. You know what you've been through because of having been molested as a child. Do you really what your daughter to live through that? It is your choice to live with this man...not your daughters. It is your responsibility to protect her. You've got these feelings for some reason. DON'T leave your daughter alone with him! Pma L.

Having been molested also I agree with everyone else trust your instinct!!!!

BUT, why is he still your roomate????? I would get my daughter out of the situation and fast!

Imagine if you DIDN'T do something and your daughter gets hurt. What's more important? Your friends feelings or your daughter? You don't have to accuse him, just say it's time for him to move out b/c you and your family are ready to live your own lives. And never, ever leave your daughter alone with him. You're more instinctive about this issue b/c you've been through it, not b/c your paranoid. Trust yourself!

It is always better to be safe and go with your gut than to learn later that you didn't protect her when your gut told you that you should. I was moletsted as a teenager, and ironicly that was the only time that I got along with my stepdad. The molestation left me isolated, with no one to go to, but to go to my stepdad who was doing horrible things to me because he was the only one who knew what was going on. Your daughter is so young that she may not understand what is going on (if something were to be going on) to her, and may not react badly to the guy if he were doing something bad to her. Please go with your guy and be on the safe side and protect your child. If your gut is telling you (and your boyfriend) that this guy might be cabable of harming your daughter then you need to imediatly get away from him, and move into a different apartment right away!!!! Don't think that you can keep an eye on him while you or your boyfriend are home and still keep her safe. My stepdad did things to me right under my mom's nose.

If you think there is even a CHANCE that he might, he may already HAVE. WHY do you have a roomate??? Get rid of him! Its not worth the money you might be saving on rent. This is your child and you need to do what is best for her! Your daughter is way too young to let you know in any way that something "wrong" is happening. Please Please Please get out of this situation.

Trust your instincts! Your daughter may not act negatively towards him if it is behavior she has "learned" to expect from him. I regret times in my past when I didn't trust my instincts, thinking "I would know" if anything happened.

I am sorry to say this but I would not take any chances! You need to ask yourself what makes you feel that he is doing "stuff" to her? Does he touch her in certain ways? You know you can look up registered sex offenders or you can go to your local police station and they can point you in the right direction. I would not go by the way she acts around him! She does not know what is right and wrong just yet! I wish you the best of luck and you and your family are in my prayers!

I think you definitely need to investigate this one. I wish I could tell you how... but I'm not really sure what would be best. She is too young to tell you if something is wrong, so we as parent, have to protect them. I think it would be better to probe/find out---you may risk losing a roommate...but the alternative if you don' is far worse if it is true! Hang in there!!! Be strong!

First of all, I think you need to trust your gut. I was sexually abused by my father as a young child, and subjected to lewd talk and inappropriate behaviors as I got older. I am VERY protective of my own daughter, 3 years old now. IF I had any suspicion about someone, I would either keep her away from that person. I would also suggest that you consider speaking to a professional about your past, just to keep some perspective, and for advice on how to handle your current situation. I spent about 5 years seeing a therapist before I got married, and it was the best thing I ever did for myselt. I ended up going back aroung the time my daughter turned 2 because it was getting harder for me to manage my 'triggers'. Things changed for me once I became the mother of a little girl. Just a suggestion . . . it really helped me.

What makes you and your husband think this man MIGHT do something to your daughter? If you both have had these feelings, then something is probably not right. Also, in my personal experience, your daughter may or may not act differently around this man. I think each situation is different, so I wouldn't rely on that alone. If she IS crying and not wanting to be with him, I would take that as a sign that something is wrong, but I wouldn't rely on her NOT crying, etc. as a way to know something ISN'T wrong. Did that make sense???

If you have ANY doubt at all, then you need to eliminate any possibility of anything ever happening. It is your duty as her mother to protect her. She does not have a voice yet, YOU are her voice. You would never want her to suffer the burden that you have. If something ever happened, could you live with your decision to allow it to happen by denying your feelings? Wouldn't you much rather your daughter's father losing a friend than you spending your life trying to repair your daughter if something did happen? Another thing to think about is; if something happened, would you fault her father because it was his friend? Think about all aspects of this situation. Keep your eyes and ears fully open. I will pray for your family and situation. Good luck and take care of your baby girl. They grow up fast. God bless you all.

Do NOT let this man watch your child! You were given instincts for a reason. Even if you can't explain why you feel uncomfortable, it's okay. You don't owe him any explanations. Your child's well-being should come first.
She may not act uncomfortable around him because she is too young to understand what is or is not appropriate. If you were molested when younger, I imagine you would want to do anything possible to prevent that from happening to your own daughter. I'm sure this is an awkward and difficult situation, but I bet you'll do the right thing.

Oh my goodness! It's better safe than sorry! Honey - there are reasons we have "feelings" and we should NEVER deny them or think that we are overracting! You can NEVER EVER EVER be too careful when it comes to your children!

J.,
I am a FIRM believer in mother's intuition! In my opinion, you should ask him to move out. I would not tell him why except that it is best for your family. I have 2 little girls as well and it was once explained to me like this- No man will ever love your child like her father. Don't take a chance on your daughter. Don't let your own history repeat itself in your daughter's future. Your role is to protect her at all cost.

I say follow your intuition, if something doesn't feel right, don't put your daughter in a situation that may be dangerous for her. The last thing you will want is anything to happen to her and then you make the decision. Be proactive and make it before that becomes an issue.

Trust yourself!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH, If you have any suspicions at all, I absolutely would NOT leave him alone with her! I have 3 girls, and I won't let any man babysit them under any circumstances, that way I won't have to worry about it! She will not necessarily not want to be around him if something is going on....Especially if her dad is also suspecting it, I would say PLEASE go with your mothers instinct and keep her away from him!!!

Children who are molested are usually very playful and and show alot of affection toward their molester. I can tell you from experience that if you were molested when you were little, more times than not you think someone is doing the same to your child. All I can say is go with your gut.

If you are worried, you should follow your instinct, especially having been molested yourself. I wouldn't say that she would necessarily scream & throw fits if he were doing something to her. Alot of times they make the child think there is nothing wrong with what they're doing. She may not be able to tell that his attention is wrong. He would probably make her feel like it was something "special". I would absolutely sit down & have a heart to heart with her. Maybe just asking vague questions would get her to speak up.

Always follow your gut!!!

Don't take chances with your baby. I would ask him to leave in away you can still be friends without living together and make sure he is not alone with the baby.

Always go with your gut feelings. I just went to a meeting last nite, and there was a speaker who was the 1st female cop in St.Louis, and she said, "Always follow your gut feeling" Even if you can't explain it. It might be easier to use him for a sitter, but definitely not worth it. I would trust your Mama instincts!
Jess

Always follow your intuition , the world today permits so much suffering . find a different sitter .

If you both have the same suspsions the roomate should go. Even if nothing has happen. That way you know she can't be hurt.
C.

You can never ever be to careful. Stop letting her stay with him now. Kids for years do not tell their parents. These perverts have a way of getting to little girls nd boys. $ out of 5 children molested are from people you know. You are taking a chance on messing her life up forever. Please think this over carefully, and everyone thinks it is always someone elsle's kid. This is more the normal today than not. Keep your baby safe. God be with her. She may love him, she does not know right from wrong yet, you don't know how these pers take their time and or scare them when they are older. NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! PLease. God be with you and I pray you make the right decision,J.

Don't let him watch her!!!!! Trust your gut instinct-I too was molested when I was younger and I have a 13 month old little girl-you can bet if anything like that ever pops in my head, that person will not be around her alone EVER. Trust your gut-you are her mom and you have to protect her from harm. Good luck

Personally, I think you should follow your gut. Even if there isn't a problem, it's better to be safe than sorry. You never know how a little one like that will react to danger.

If you have the slightest feeling that something might be happening to your daughter get her out of the situation!! Do not take that chance. Your daughters well being is WAY more important than the chance that you might hurt your roomates feelings. Make him move out and do not leave her with him ever. I just think that a mothers instinct should never be overlooked. Good luck to you.

Girl, I am a child advocate and a red flag is a red flag. Especially when two people feel the same way.
Do not leave her alone with him ever.
She is too young to distinguish the difference between right and wrong touch. He may be touching her in a way that is wrong and yet it comes across as funny to her. Please, please read books to her, age appropriate of course, about this subject. Please, please read books for yourself and your husband to gain knowledge on how to deal with this for life.
I wish at the moment I could pull the books titles out of my head for you, but I just moved and they are in storage. Even going through an airport you will have to explain to your daughter about security people possible touching her and how and what they are doing and what is right and/or how they could actually touch her wrong. This is a sad world we live in. I wish you the best, but you are a mom, go with your gut at all times, never, ever second guess your instincts.
With Care, M. N.

How did it come about that this person is your roommate? Many times molesters seek friendship of people who have children and become quite close with the families. Trust your gut when it comes to your kids no matter what the consequences are. It's not worth the risk to your child to protect your roommates feelings.