Am I Being Unreasonable?

Yuck...not unreasonable...wouldn't let my kids do that if i had any feelings that something might happen...

Goodness...that would be a big fat he|| no with an added over my dead body. If hubby doesn't like it too dang bad!

This post has gotten so many responses it is obvious this produced a strong reaction in a lot of people. LISTEN TO THEM! The fact that you are using those terms, which I can't even bring myself to repeat, means you and your boys are ALREADY being conditioned. They are terms pedophiles use to make themselves feel better about what they are really doing, raping children. The children don't want to be raped, there is no love or dating involved. Do everything in your power to protect your children from your FIL. He is conditioning them! That is most likely why he is so close to them. It would greatly benefit you to attend a class or community meeting on recognizing sexual predators. That is what they are. And they prey on children, the most innocent and trusting prey. I heard a lot of women saying they were abused as children because their parents didn't protect or believe them. You do not want this to be you or your children! For the benefit of your children and their love for their grandparent, the most I would ever allow is PERSONALLY supervised visits. If your husband isn't supportive, don't discuss it with him, just do it yourself. There is always the possibility he was molested and doesn't realized it himself. And how many of his father's views does he agree with? I would take the children with you and not even leave your children with their father, based on his lax view of his father's opinions. How can you be sure he won't just consider your fears silly and leave the boys with his father while he runs to the store? And if your relationship has been rocky, and god forbid you should separate, you will have no choice in how your husband deals with your children, no way to protect them at all! If something does happen, I would DEFINITELY bring it before the judge and express your fears to them! I am certainly not wishing a divorce on anyone, but just be aware that when they are with your husband, you have 0 control over the situation.

Having my children molested is my biggest fear past having them die. If I were in your situation I would never let them out of my sight, as exhausting as that may be. Take them with you and maybe some of your family can help you there and give you little breaks if you need them. We only get one chance at an innocent childhood. Once it is shattered it is gone forever, there is no getting it back. Please please protect them. My heart and hopes go out to you and your boys for their protection.

No- you are NOT being unreasonable - you are being careful and smart. This man-- your FIL -- has a life style that not only puts your children at risk ( if they are alone with him for extended periods---nevermind his friends )--- but if you allow your little boys to be in his company for extended, unsupervised time- you put your custody of them in danger ---- All it would take is one of your children making an innocent comment to a teacher or a doctor, nurse, school nurse, friend of the family- neighbor--- anyone- and you could answer a knock at the door and find CPS or DSHS -- or the police --- on your porch and find your boys wisked off to god-knows-where while an investigation is held. - could take months- --- PLEASE don't compromise--- please dont--- you wouldn't send your boys off to play unsupervised with a sweet, lovely dog that only bites occasionally---right????????????? --- your FIL has a life style and a belief that compromise the safety of your little boys. Please-- I know whereof I speak-- please believe me.

I promise- you won't be sorry for being careful- but you could grieve forever if you take ''just a slight risk'''.

Sigh
Blessings, J.
aka--- Old Mom

You are not being unreasonable. Any person who considers "cross generational" dating and "boy love" an acceptable lifestyle is not a good option for unsupervised visits, let alone overnighters. There are very good reasons why something is making you uncomfortable.

Stick to your guns. I once discussed how to handle a young adult male who was paying way too much attention to my oldest son (then 5) with my son's doctor. As he so wonderfully put it "If you are wrong about this person, the worst thing that will happen is you may owe that person an apology for misjudging him. But think about what you will face if you are RIGHT."

There is no way I would let my boys stay overnight with anyone who even came close to that lifestyle. I may be a little strong on that, but how can you protect your children when you aren't there?
Good luck

Your mom radar is going off....listen to it.

Short answer... NO. NEVER take chances with your kids. NEVER. Even if it means arguing with your husband. Just say that you are not comfortable leaving them overnight without you. Talk more about that, maybe less about why. Good luck and great job taking care of your boys.

You need to stick to those instincts God gave us women. If it doesn't feel right or safe, don't leave your children there.

You are not being unreasonable. Listen to those bells and whistles going off. Those flashing red lights are there for a reason.

My ex has a history and when my son's in-laws family came to town I had to carefully word my concern over anyone staying at his house. Luckily I did not have to say much to the moms--they got the idea it would be a bad idea.

If you are a stay at home mom you have no work obligations why not tell your family that you would like come early to help out. Or tell your husband you will go with him and the boys.

Use this opportunity to strengthen your marriage not rip it apart. You do want to have the risk of not being able to control what an ex-husband does until it is too late.

If you go with them the problem is resolved. If you stay at FIL house have the boys sleep in the same bed or at least the same room with you or you may not get any sleep. To make things easier maybe you could stay with your family and just visit FIL. This would give you one space for you and the boys that would be safe. Your family should understand if this is a small town.

I reread your request and realized that it is unclear if the two trips are near each other in time. Go on both trips if necessary. Spend more time with your family than originally planned.

What ever the cost keep your boys safe.

While your husband may believe there is no way his father could harm your children. He should appreciate your strong mother instinct and respect your wishes. I speak from experience when I say that it is will change your childrens lives in ways that will affect their lives forever if anything did happen. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

It is probably pretty obvious to all -- that you're not!! Do not put your children in harms way for anyone including a family member
Good luck and be strong for your kids

You squint your eyes like clint eastwood and say, "over my dead body, and yours, will my children ever be unsupervised with your father."

And you mean it.

Now, if that means you have to miss the wedding, or take your children to the wedding, then so be it.

YOU need to be willing to make sacrifices to keep your children safe.

If your husband doesn't like your stand, or your FIL doesn't like it, too bad. Remember the inner peace you will have knowing you are doing your duty toward your sons. This is not something you have to argue about or convince them that you are right. Just take your stand and be firm and let THEM spin their wheels until they run out of gas.

It would be NICE if your husband "got it," but if he doesn't, that isn't something you can control. You CAN control yourself, what you do with your time, where you go. You can ask your husband to stay with the children or you can make other arrangements -- can you swap childcare with a friend? But ultimately you cannot MAKE your husband do anything.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. Sure, it's UNLIKELY that anything would happen, but these things DO happen, and considering your FIL's views and his friends' views, YOU have more reason than other people NOT to take a risk. I DON'T think you are being overprotective. This is your JOB to make sure they are safe -- please, please, please do not consider going to this wedding to be more important than looking out for them.

I was harmed by my grandfather and Father. This is serious. Stick with your concerns and stand your ground on this one. You are a good Mom!!

I have not read any of the other responses but I just have to say DEFINITELY put your foot down on this one! I would never trust anyone alone with my children that even had a "thought" that this was okay. The fact that he has many friends who are involved with, well let's call it what it is..pedophiles..shows that this FIL does not have good judgment. Your boys are too young to protect themselves. I would fight this with my whole being. In my opinion Your fil is lucky to be able to spend even supervised visits with your children. Just the fact that he associates himself with these horrible people makes him "guilty by association". Your husband will just have to understand how important this is to you. You have every right to protect your children!!

You are NOT being unreasonable. You are the mom. Protector of the children. If it feels wrong, don't do it! You have every right to just say no. And too bad if someone's toes get stepped on. Maybe everything would be just fine. But if it weren't, you could never undo what happened. And there you would be wondering why you went against your instincts.

Your job as a mom is to always do what is right for your kids. If that means that you and your husband don't always agree, then that's an adult issue that needs to be resolved. Put your foot down lovingly. You might suggest that since your boys don't see the other side of their family that you'd like the boys to stay with someone on that side. Otherwise, can you or your husband adjust your travel plans so the boys are always in your care? Also, if your husband really doesn't see the potential harm, will he hold the same standard when he's there with the boys and your FIL? Maybe it's time to see a counselor about it.

You know the answer, listen to your heart. You would never forgive yourself or your husband if something happened so why take the chance. One weekened could be the beginning of the end of your marriage, and your life as you know it and your childrens innocence. It is not worth pleasing your husband for. Stand firm, be calm and fair and let him know it is not negotiable. Good luck!

I know you and your kids love your FIL, but really...what kind of person maintains friendly relationships with known pedophiles? I don't care how "great" he seems...by tolerating this behavior he's condoning it, and a person like that wouldn't get within miles of my children.

Not. O. K.

Unless your FIL clearly and absolutely believes his friends' choices are evil and wrong and obviously commits to keeping his grandchildren within sight at all times (presuming he himself is not a potential threat)--ie unless he has already drawn this line clearly for his "friends" and you and the boys, which it sounds like he has NOT done--this is in no way a reasonable situation. If he tolerates (or supports) these opinions (and presumably lifestyles), his judgement of what is acceptable in terms of supervision and even supervised contact is already unacceptable.

Proof in the pudding is not required, if the mold is visible in the ingredients before you start.

If your husband is choosing to be that blind, and with a father who openly tolerates this, I ask the obvious question: was your husband exposed as a child and either repressed or hid it? (I don't need an answer, of course ... I just can't imagine having a child and being that blind. My family's and my Ex's family's shortcomings--and our inherited shortcomings--stood out in pretty high relief once we started raising kids!)

It sounds to me like no kid, family or not, should ever be left alone with your FIL ... :(.

When it comes to your children's safety, there should never be a compromise between you and your hubby. If he considers something unsafe, it should be out, no questions asked and vice versa. Chances are pretty good that your boys would be fine, but if there is even a teeny tiny chance that it could be unsafe, then they shouldn't be put in that situation. If, God forbid, anything did happen, you would always blame your husband and he would blame himself for not listening.

J.... i've got 2 boys (3 and 4) and just reading your message put my stomach in knots... your job first and foremost is to protect your children... i ditto everyone here who says 'trust your gut'... there is nothing worth putting your children at risk... even if it could be a remote risk... don't take the chance... absolutely not... and can you trust your husband not to make any executive decisions (without you) and honor your requests not to leave them with his dad if he takes the boys on his own?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Trust your instincts. Even if your FIL would never touch your boys, he can't keep his eyes on both of them every second while they are with him. And if a "friend" drops by to say hello, well, a second is all a person needs to do something your child will never forget.

Tell your husband no way - that you are willing to compromise on other issues but not on this one, end of discussion. Have him head out early to enjoy his float trip and you and the kids meet him there.

Trust your instincts! The safety of your children has to come first. It is NOT worth the risk that something could happen. They are at such a vulnerable age. Being molested as a child can leave serious psychological scars for life! I was molested as a young child and to this day it haunts me. If you have not already talked to your boys about what to do and say if someone tries to touch them then I would do that as soon as possible. It doesn't need to be said in a way that scares them, but they need to know that it is ok to say "no" to an adult who tries to touch them innapropiately and that they should tell you if this happens.

You're right! Your job is to protect them even if your spouse thinks you are being unreasonable. Make changes to the travel plans so you are there, or make sure someone from your family takes the children so they aren't left with you FIL. Even if he doesn't touch or harm them, whose to say what company he keeps and how closely he will watch over you children since he sees nothing wrong. It's simply not safe to leave you children with someone like that period! Your husband may not accept his father as a risk, but fight your stance by presenting the possibility of his "friends" being a high risk. This will help make him less defensive and able to hear you. Otherwise, you'll need to figure out how to keep the children with you and not with your husband if he is going to insist on leaving the boys in his father's care. Plus the boys are not too young to understand private parts and appropriate touching. I would talk to them about this and prepare them. Children are taught to obey adults, so they need to be taught when it's okay to say no to an adult and stand their ground too!

My thoughts are with you!
A.

i don't quite understand what you are talking about, but anytime something in your gut makes you feel something isn't safe for you kids, you have to listen to that. I think you have to come up with a compromise and have your kids stay with your parents when you husband leaves on his trip. Or you have to make sure to go down there before he leaves so your kids are with you. the whole thing sounds a little creepy to me. listen to you gut and stick up for yourself and your kids. good luck

J.,

You are not being un-reasonable at all. Put your foot down on this - for the safety of your children. I like one thing someone said, that you will not be sorry for being careful, but you could grieve forever over not being careful enough.

Jenn

Trust your instincts. You are being a loving mother to your children and nobody else's feelings are important here. When I was young, my mother had male friends babysit me and I was molested on a couple of occasions. The last incident occurred with a family friend and I told my mother about it. She did nothing and in fact, our family continued to have social contact with this man's family for years. The result: my relationship with my mother is virtually non-existent. She did not protect me or validate my feelings and left me vulnerable to horrifying experiences. Protect your children and your relationship with them - nothing is more important.

If I was you I won't let that man even see a photo of my kids. He is a preditor and this is how I feel about preditors. I would keep him away from my family as far as I can. It sounds like your kids like him and they are close with him. He won't need much time to harm them as he doesn't need to establish any closiness prior to that. Trust your instincts! They leave in a different town, so I would take advantage of that and keep him as far as possible from my children. And do not expect your husband to suport and understand you. He is his father. And do you really need to go to that wedding?! God bless you all and keep you save!

I would never let an outspoken pedophile in my home. Period. Do not let this man condition your children. I am not suggesting you do this, but if it were even an argument with my husband, I would leave him too.

Hi J.,

You are not being unreasonable at all. Always go with your instincts! You are the caretaker of your children. Their safety comes first.

Believe it or not, there are a lot of adult's who refuse to see their elderly parent (or other relative) for who they truly are.....especially when it comes to being a pedophile.

There are so many pedophiles, here, there and everywhere. It's just so disgusting. I don't have a clue as to why these people are the way they are.

We don't take any chances with our daughter at all. No man and woman can be trusted. Yes, we're protective over and her innocence is important. Too many children get sexually abused, and believe me, pedophiles are extremely sneaky, manipulative and will go out of there way to get near children in any way they can.

So, you are right to feel the way you do! Kudo's to you, and stand up for them at all times. Kids get scared to tell their parents or any adult for that matter when they are approached by a pedophile, cause a pedophile will most likely threaten the child verbally. Paying close attention to adults is always a must.

Since hubby can't respect your wishes, you should just be blunt with the FIL and tell him (next time he asks for an overnighter) that they can stay the night, but I'll be staying there too. I would do that in a heart beat. Kids safety FIRST.

I wish you strength and Good luck J.!\''/

I would NEVER, EVER, EVER leave my kids alone with him! you should not. It is as simple as that. If your husband can not understand this, that is another issue. Your issue is to do everything to protect your kids. you know in your soul what is right.

i would avoid confronting your husband about his dad's friends at this point (since he's obviously not going to change his mind) and argue that they're too young to be spending the night at ANYONE'S house without mom or dad, even if only because they'll be looking for you at night. (of course this only delays the debate because what do you say when they ARE old enough?) can't you all go together and you and the boys can stay at your FIL's while your husband is off floating? then you could supervise. can you come up with some fun place to go with the kids and your FIL so they don't have to hang around the iffy friends?

good luck and stick to your guns!

Dear J.,
That is so tough! I think that a compromise is definitely in order. Have you considered having the kids stay one night at their grandpa's and then having a relative pick the kids up for the rest of their stay? I don't know any other solution other than not going all together but that seems a bit drastic. I understand your concern. I wouldn't blame you for having these feelings. I believe that if you at least give it one try you wont be giving up. Then when the boys get back to you I would ask the 5 year old about how the stay at his grandpa's house went. Before the boys go to their grandpa's I would have a private conversation with them about safety and caution them about things that you might think would happen. That way, your boys know what to do in the case of an unexpected situation. I hope this helps. Also, don't be upset with your husband for wanting the boys to grow closer to their grandpa. Your husband seems to have a good relationship with him.

This is another adult abused as a child saying:
PLEASE, Trust your "Mommy radar"!

Keep it up, J.. It is so worth it!!

You are definitely not being unreasonable! Stick to your gut feeling about this. It's too bad that your husband cannot see that his dad thinks very differently about what might be "good" for little boys. It is clear from the friends he hangs out with and with his professed approval about "cross generational dating". There is no way your husband can know for sure what else his father believes or might do with his grandsons if unsupervised. He has given you more than ample reason for you not to allow that to happen. Many, many children are molested by people who are family members--does your husband think they announce what they are going to do ahead of time? It is the parent's responsibility to protect their children if they possibly can. You are being very wise to object to this. I pray you will be able to convince your husband.

no not in a million years are you being unreasonable! make your husband read this! and make it a practice of never leaving your child with anyone that will have people around your children that you have never met! this situation is especially uncomfortable and wrong!

ABSOLUTELY NOT! Do not allow your children to be alone with this person. I know it must be tempting to get a break from the kids but I would NEVER chance it. I would think twice about leaving husband alone with kids as well.
Good Luck. Some things are worth standing your ground on.

My SIL work for CPS and Judy C. is right. As their parents(this applies to your husband also) if you knowingly place them in a potentially harmful situation then you could be charge with "child neglect" and lose custody of your children. Once that happens you have to jump through multiple hoops to regain custody. All that aside, no amount of family ties is worth putting your child in danger! I also get the same vibe as Kristen R. You might want to discuss trying to get you, your husband and FIL in counseling to work through these issues. You never know how it might help your husband?

J.,

It sounds as if you are getting great advice. Even if your husband is not going to the wedding, why are you not saying you are staying with your parents? I can see your husband wanting to visit his father, but the situation is about your side of the family also... maybe there is some reason that you need to stay with your FIL. If so, has this been an issue before? Have you discussed your ideas and concerns with your FIL?

I still vote that your kids have a parent present, but mainly since I do not know all that has gone on up until now, I would present the side that the kids are still too young to be without a parent.

Good luck and God Bless.
T.

J. - I have a similar situation, although on your husband's side, I suppose. My father has been convicted of a sexual crime involving children (he never was involved directly with children, though). I know that he would never harm or be inappropriate with my son, but I rarely leave the two of them alone. My husband doesn't feel comfortable with it.

I do not think you are unreasonable at all. You are concerned about the safety of your children and seem to have a valid reason for it. Are there other arrangements you can make for the kids? I would hope your husband can come to an understanding that, although you love your FIL and want the kids to have a good relationship with him, you're not prepared to put them at risk, no matter how smal it may be.

I hope you two can work it out!

Absoutely NOT! You might not be able to make your husband understand and that is not the issue at hand. Keeping the boys safe is the issue at hand. I would NEVER allow them to stay with him, good job of standing your ground!

You are not being unreasonable. I know it can be hard to stand ground with the husband, but i think in this case you must. Just let him know it is not your FIL that you are so much worried about but the other people that your children may be exposed to while there. Also, that if, god forbid, anything did happen, you would not be able to live with the decision that you two made, and you don't want there to be blame pushed on anyone here.
H.

You have just told yourself the answer. You know in your heart that your children need you to protect them.

Nope, not at all. You do your best to protect your children.

Hi J.,
I do not think you are being unreasonable. You have that mommy intuition for a reason! It is great that you love the FIL and the kids to do. I have a similar situation with my in-laws and I will never let them watch my children unsupervised. It must be hard for your husband, so I would really work on find some ways to meet him eye to eye on it. Stay true to your mommy intuition! Good Luck
B.

Trust your gut- we have instincts for a reason! I would also stop discussing it with your husband and just make your plans. Bring your kids to the wedding and leave when it is time for them to go. Kids usually rally at special events and stay up later.

This would be one of those things you would hate yourself for later. And let's just say that your FIL wasn't the one who did something to them. What if one of his pedophile friends was there making inapropriate comments to your kids or worse. You just don't know- but you do know that something is not right.

You are not crazy. You know exactly what the danger is. Trust your gut!

If you are uncomfortable with it, do not allow them to stay alone with your FIL. Your boys are very young and it is your job to make sure they are in a safe environment. Your husband should be supportive of you, however, if you can't get him to understand STAND YOUR GROUND! FYI, I have two boys ages 4 and 9 and I have never left them with my FIL for other reasons. Good Luck!

No, you aren't being unreasonable. If you have an instinct, listen to it. I realize that you husband has a different opinion, but just explain that you aren't comfortable with you FIL's environment. Try not to pinpoint particular people, but say you just don't feel right about it. Yes, maybe you are blowing it out of proportion because they have different values. Maybe they are completely innocent, but why take that chance. Talk to your kids about appropriate touching and rethink your plans. There must be a way to work it out so everyone is happy. Do the kids have friends they can stay with? Can your travel plans be reworked. I hope you stand up for yourself. You are doing the right thing. The love of a Grandpa can still be wonderful, just under your terms.

J.,
Wow... Trust your gut on this one !

A mothers instincts are best and you absolutely should follow yours and not allow your children to stay alone with you fil.