Ok..... So I have my upstairs neighbor. They are military so they dont have any family to help them here. Around October she asked me if I could take her kids to school and pick them up because one of her cars was not working and her husand goes in to work at 5 am and gets out after kids get out of school and she since que takes care of a few kids at her place for extra cash she couldnt take them all at the same time wither. She offered to give me $20 a week and I told her that it was ok I didnt need the money I would do it whille she got her car back. Well a month ago my husband lost his job. My neighbors have both their cars and I still take and pick her kids up after school so that she can run her daycare business. A month I commented her I was starting school online and she said if it was ok if we went half on her internet bill and I could use hers. She pays $30 a month and she said to give her $15. 1st I didnt expect for her to get the $20 I gave her for the first month of interne becasue of the favors I do for her. But she did so I let it go...... Today I told her that if she remembered I was not going to get her money for doing her the favor of taking and picking her kids up but since my husband hasnt worked for so long I was in need of some cash just to put some gas on the vehicles.....well her respond was.... well I can just start taking my kids to school now.. how much where you tinking of me giving and she also mentiond oh by the way are you still going to need the internet this month because if not I am going to disconnect it my bill just got here. Should I be upset at the fact that she is still charging me for $15 dollars after all of this thime I let her make money by taking her kids to school and picking them up while she stayed home and took care of other kids. Is it fair what she responded? I feel used. Oh and I asked her once if she would take care of my kids for 2 hrs becasue I had an appointment and she said yes she would charge me $30... are you serious? What do I do? I dont want to have problems with them becasue they are my neighbors and I atleast have to see them for anotehr 4 months till our lease is over. on top of it all I have my husbands constant nag that she is just using me that I should stop, that why doesnt she give me $$ for gas, and on and on and on... that I am too nice and dumb for letting people take andvantage of me....... Am I too nice or to stupid to realize this.
Ok. So I let her know a week in advance that I was no longer going to be able to take and pick up her kids to and from school. She immediatly told me ok I can start doing it tomorrow. She right away said oh and I will be disconecting the internet but I had already made an appt to get my own service connected. I did tell het thank you so much for letting me use your internet (and payed her some more money).... She had no response and never thanked me for the many times I took her kids to school, From there on she has tried to avoid me and the noice from upstairs has been louder. This Friday my husband tried to tell herl husband if they could keep it down because we could not even hear our own tv from the noice they were making. Immediatly she comes down screaming and using pofanity towards my husband. Now I know she is upset at the fact I no longer serve her as a school bus. Well we just asked for a apartmetn transfer and they allowed it. I do not think it is fair for me to go through a big move just because of them. But hey it is what it is........
Oh and about the comment in regards to all military wifes being gold digging ^&%^$$....That was not nice.. By putting that they were military family was just to show that they had no family colse by nothing more. I do not think of military wifes as being that at all.....
Thank you all for your comments. They did help me a lot unfortunately the results were not as I expected.. oh well ;)
Quite taking her kids. And don't use her internet. You are too nice and maybe a little naive! She is using you for anything she can get out of you. Internet use and kids to school should be a wash/even out. But she's one of those that doesn't see it like that.
Life is not fair and she is playing out of bounds.
She is using you. Break ties and stop helping her period. Dont give her any money period- for anything.
I wish you were my neighbor. You sound awesome and a lot like me.
She sounds like the two women I ended "frienships" with and whose kids are not allowed to play with mine anymore. They did the same kind of thing. From now on, no favors either way. That is the only way to not feel used. She should have shame, but she doesn't. She is wrong, but you do have to set boundaries because she will use you up if you don't.
They are not taking advantage of you, they offered to pay you 20 a week, you declined.
There is nothing wrong with them changing their minds when you change the parameters. She was willing to pay when she needed it, willing to let you continue since you weren't charging and now that she doesn't need it and you want to charge decided to drive her kids herself.
Your neighbors have done nothing wrong and really I don't see why you are seeing yourself as a victim of their behavior.
Why don't you make it easy on both of you and carpool. She can take the morning and free up some time for you to have me time and you can take the afternoon.
Your not stupid, but you are too nice. This woman is taking advantage of this yes. It was rude of her not to give you money for taking her kids all this time, and it isn't nice of her to just use you like this.
Get your own internet, and stop doing things for this woman. You can still be friendly but if she asks any "favors" just say NO!
Your time is valuable too.
I don't think you are too nice or too stupid... I think you are passive and I think that instead of -hoping- your neighbor would reciprocate favors YOU should have made the terms clear. When you saw that both their cars were fixed you should not have kept taking their kids to school for free.
You should have tolde her that it was your pleasure to help, but now that their cars were fixed you either wouldn't do it anymore OR she could pay you X dollars. Instead you kept doing it and hoping the terms would change. Your neighbor is just up front and you're not. You need to learn how to be that way instead of just hoping for things then being sorely disappointed and feeling used when it doesn't turn out the way you hoped. Best wishes.
Doesn't sound to me like she's taking advantage of you. She offered to pay you to drive her kids and you said no. Then when you changed your mind about the money she said she can just drive them herself. I'd probably make that same decision too if my car was working again.
Why don't you guys carpool? No need to feel sorry for yourself - she sounds like a decent person, just not one who's willing to give you things for free.
It's a learning lesson for sure! I'm assuming this is the neighbor you have had trouble with being too loud upstairs??
Unfortunately you set the situation by not accepting money initially. She's not kind and going to fill up your vehicles. I would never rely in her her for internet services. What if she doesn't pay her bill and you don't have access for school or it takes a while to get your home reactivated? Verizon messed up at my home and I was without service for TEN days. I can't risk that and had to take my work laptop out of the house to use it. I'm not sure if it's even legal, maybe it Texas it is.
Just go about your life, let it go. Best of luck to your husband in finding a new job.
Hi E.-
Yes...you are being taken advantage of.
When (not IF) you get your own internet (I am assuming wireless)... make SURE you block it...she sounds like the type that may 'use' your connection if it is not secure.
Secure it!
Be cordial...but keep your distance IMO.
Best luck!
michele/cat
Get your own internet and stop taking her kids. Just cut out the business/money side of everything. Yes, she is majorly taking advantage of you.
She is a user AND you are too nice. I would cut the ties that bind and stop dropping off and picking up her kids. Get your own internet service. The money you would save by sharing hers isn't worth it.
Now that you know that she likes to take full advantage of your kindness, you can kindly accept any money she offers to pay you for any future favors. But then she probably won't ask you for any more favors ;-)
honestly, I have a problem with categorizing this whole issue as "military family". Doesn't mean a flip if they're military or not! Some people are just users...
BUT she offered you $ for driving her kids to school & you refused. As far as I'm concerned, you blew it. You had a chance to make some $$ & you refused. This is one separate incident. & when her car was fixed, you always had the option to "open your mouth". Quit trying to sound like a victim! :) You had options, so did she....you're both at fault once that car was repaired.
Moving on to the internet services.....it's never a good option to share/split bills with friends, family, or neighbors. Lesson learned!
I seriously would not be upset over any of this. You're not a victim until you allow yourself to be one! & don't ever let anyone say that you're "dumb or stupid"....not even your husband!
Well, you told her you didn't want the money! Now, yes, you are too nice. She knew your husband wasn't working and she could have been thoughtful back. You now know her true character.
I would tell her that you will not be taking her kids to school and picking them up and NO I don't need your internet service. As for watchng your kids, well she is running a business. Again, you are the one that told her you didn't want the money. Apparently she does!
Yep, she's using you. I'd rather have it be awkward for four months, then for her to think you're a door mat!!
You kinda got yourself into the mess by not taking her offer to pay, and to keep taking the kids once thier car was fixed. But she does sound like a user to me and should have offered now and then to pay you, or fix you dinner or make cookies or whatever now and then. She shouldnt have asked for money to watch your kids for a short time either knowing how much you do for her. Get your own internet and make sure its blocked so she cant use it. She may even try and see that its blocked and ask. Your answer will be "nope, dont feel like shairing anymore."
And I agree with Cheryl O. Gypsymommy's comment about "military wives being gold diggers" was rude. I was a military wife and was never that way. I give way more than I take and probably the best neighbor anyone could have. I know several other families in the service and not one of them could fit that discription. I can only thank my lucky stars I dont have a neighbor like you.
Listen to your husband. He is right.
You're too nice...give some people an inch and they take a mile. No good deed goes unpunished. Cut ties with her, get your own internet and stop taking her kids. Looking on the positive side, it's a lesson learned and it's only four months before you can move.
Yeah I would just cut my losses and move on. Don't do her anymore favors and just get your own internet. Some people are just this way, they don't know how to give and take.
I think she's just a selfish person. I'd be irritated but I'd also take it as a lesson learned--I need to be more explicit about my needs and expectations.
GypsyMommy since you are a military wife, how can you not be exactly what you described in your comment? According you you most are. You seem to fit the mold; after all it takes one to know one, right? Sounds like you discovered too late that military life is not roses and fine wine and you are angry about it.
Being a military wife is a tough job. My daughter is a military wife and she is far from what you described. Grow up and take a grammer and spelling class so your children will have a fighting chance.
You should be glad I am not your neighbor. lol
You should feel used because you have been! I'm military, have no family here and one vehicle and my husband works very long hours. Guess what - I do everything for myself! Wouldn't dream of taking advantage of a nice woman such as yourself, but obviously your neighbor could care less. I would either get my own internet or walk to the library or coffee shop to get it for free. I wouldn't pay her a dime!! Many states have a lowered price for those in need. Do yourself a favor and don't do her anymore. I think she has used her quota for life!!
Since you agreed to not accept payment when you first started to carpool, you can't just expect her to start paying out of the blue. You need to talk to her a renegotiate the deal. If she is not willing, just walk away.
I do not see a problem with exchanging service for service. From your post, it seems like she does. If she is not open to renegotiation, you need to walk away. She should be understanding of DH being out of work and you now needed gas money. That is not unreasonable.
If you do cut ties, you can use free dial up internet or go to the library.
I don't think you were too nice or stupid. You chose to act unselfishly for someone who needed help. Don't' think that doesn't go unrecognized by the one upstairs who reads our every thought, motive and action. You did a good thing. Tides changed and she took advantage. You can't know if she was using you for sure of if through miscommunication, stupidity, or selfishness she felt entitled. Don't regret the help you gave her. But now decide if you want to clear the air or cut her off from any more favors. She's a neighbor so I'd encourage you to clear the air. You have brownie points in heaven so feel good about that.
You weren't dumb - just being nice. I probably would have also offered to drive the kids for free if I'm going there anyway.
Unfortunately, your neighbor isn't as kind. I wouldn't have charged you anything to use my internet - I'd have to pay anyway whether you were using it or not.
I would, however, be a bit miffed about her asking for money when you asked her to watch your kids. She didn't get that you were asking as a neighbor/friend, she responded to you as a customer.
I think at this point I would not drive her kids, not use her internet, and never ask her to watch your kids. Bottom line, keep you and yours separate from her and hers.
You did say no when she first offered to pay; however, she also should have at least been giving you something toward gas money if she had the least bit of thoughtfulness. It sounds like you initially did the school trips to help them out in the short term, and she (and you) let it go on and on. Why shouldn't she? It benefited her business at no cost to her. I think there's fault on both sides here -- you let it go on after their car was fixed -- but she is the one who took advantage of you.
I would immediately tell her that you are not going to continue this Internet payment deal; get your own Internet access. You simply should not rely on someone else, anyone else, for Internet access if you must have the Internet for something as important as a class. Just tell her you are getting your own account. There's every chance that she may then say, "Oh, how about if I pay YOU for some of it and use YOUR Internet" or something like that, but don't do it if she goes there. You can legitimately say, "No thanks, I need it much of each day for classes and schoolwork and am not interested in sharing the cost or the service."
I'd keep things light and cordial and just know that you've learned she might indeed be at the core an OK person, but she did take advantage of you and you let her do so when you kept ferrying the kids. If you and she were good friends all this would be different, but since you are not close friends at all, she was using you though she might never have thought of it that way.
To Nice. When we are to nice others step on us. Iknow you think of others and so want to help but sometimes you need to think of you and your family first. That does not mean hurt someone else but saying no. If its hard for you to ssay no just say maybe I'll think about it. Sometimes its easier to say that then get pushed into a yes
I wish there was more kind hearted people like you!!! Just cut your loses and move on. Yes you were used but what can you do, just keep your distance from her.
You lost me at the part where she got her car back but you were still taking her kids to & from school. At that point, YOUR service became HER business expense! She took advantage, but you allowed it.
You agreed to take the kids until she got her car back. And sweetly declined payment because it was a FAVOR. Then she let it go on and on--for FREE.
You were used by this woman, military wife or not.
Get your own internet and just tell her you changed your mind. It's none of her business at that point.
Win/win, right? She takes her own kids and you pay for your own internet. Neither is beholden to the other.
Sorry--sounds like your intentions were good, she sounds like the O. with the attitude. Wants everything for nothing. Let her cancel her internet--and make sure YOU have a secure link for yours...so it stays just YOURS.
Good luck!
Yes, I would feel used in that situation, too.
Politely distance yourself from her. If she asks for favors (taking the kids to school), smile politely and say "I have another commitment" (which could be something as simple as needing to do the laundry! But you don't have to tell her that).
Don't offer to pay her for internet--use the library's computers (free) or if you have a laptop/iPad, use the free internet at places like Panera's, etc.
Don't kick yourself for doing nice things--that doesn't make you stupid. She is a user, and unfortunately they are out there. But there are lots of nice people around who would appreciate the help & favors. Help & favors are social currency and in a good community help bind it together more.
Look elsewhere for the help you need--church, or sometimes parents in your kids playgroups can be helpful for the occasional babysitting, etc.
Bottom line: she has taken advantage of you, and now she's being unfair about it. First issue - the internet. I agree with another responder - get your own internet for your class (if your class is over, maybe wait on the internet if you can, until your husband finds a job and it's more affordable on your own). Second issue - her children. You should stop transporting her children. The rest of us with jobs find a way to get our kids to and from school/daycare. You had great intentions in the beginning when you were helping her, and she had a legit reason to ask for help. Those reasons have now been resolved, so now it's her responsibility. They are her kids after all. Good luck!
And as far as GypsyMommy, how disrepectful! What a horrible generalization! You should feel embarrassed for having said what you did - especially being a military wife yourself.
In a perfect world people would respond in kind for services, etc., but remember you waived the cash for taking her children and you called it a favor. Once her vehicle was operable, that would have been the time to say, "Oh great - you'll be taking your children to and from school now" and call a halt to that activity. Her finances and budget may not make it possible for her to operate without compensation and if what she is offering is fair, you should pay it. By the same token, you should require of her what is fair compensation for what you do. My policy is for everybody to say what you mean and mean what you say so that there are no misunderstandings.
Hopefully you will be moving or your USER of a neighbor....and yes you were too nice (not stupid) in the first place. Don't beat yourself up...just learn from this. I would rather have you as my good neighbor then the one up stairs from you.
Even though their is just four months to go...I would suggest distancing yourself from this person.
Blessings...
She is going to have bad karma for sure:)
you should feel used. but its you that allowed yourself to be used. you should have taken the twenty dollars a week she offered in the first place. you should stop asking each other for favors as it seems its causing a missunderstanding and a riff in your friendship. you also need to explain to your husband that you turned the money down when she offered. i dont think it was a dumb thing for you to do at all. i think you were being kind and expected for others to be kind also. instead ppl take advantage for sure! but you cannot ask for the money for the time you already put in because you told her you did not need the money. i probably sound harsh and i dont mean to at all. i say things in black and white. it seems like your a kind person and people are lucky to have you for a neighbor to offer your help. i am always greatful for people who are hard working and volunteer there time. God bless you and you family. Prayers for a great job for you or your husband soon.
