Neighbor Taking Advantage?

There's an old saying: If someone takes advantage of you once, shame on them. If they do it twice, shame on you.

I can understand why you don't want this to continue, but you should have put a stop to it long ago if you weren't happy with the arrangement. Don't be resentful. She didn't put you in this position, you did by not speaking up as soon as you realized you weren't happy with the situation. Take it as a lesson learned and don't offer to help her out again.

As for how to politely tell her that she still owes you for last week, I would say "I know you have a lot going on, but I'd like to remind you that you still owe me for last week. Please bring the $20 tomorrow. Thanks."

So often the best thing we can do is to put an end to a bad situation and move forward. That's exactly what you are doing, so you go girl!

Having family/friends/neighbors provide childcare so often sounds perfect, but it's so easy for one party to feel taken advantage of and it can get complicated very easily. It's not just you :-)

I think you're handling it well. Finish the school year (1 more week), and you're done. Perfect.

"Susie, you haven't paid me for last week. Also, if I am going to continue to watch 'Joey' we need to set some written guidelines. I began watching him as more of a favor because he was having trouble at daycare and now this has become more of a part-time job for me. I don't mind watching 'Joey' but in order for me to not feel overburdened I think an agreement spelling out our arrangement would be best for everyone."

Sit down and make out your plan ahead of time. Think back about the different things that are starting to bother you, if you don't want to do those things say so. Raise your rate if that is what you would like to do. Open and honest communication is what is required in this situation.

Good Luck

M.

Forget about getting the money. All you're going to get is being treated badly when you ask for it. Just tell her that you will not be able to watch him anymore starting one week from today. When she asks why, just tell her that her expectations and your expectations are not the same and you have decided to do something else that pays you more than $2.50 an hour. Leave it at that and then don't say yes to ANYMORE babysitting.

If she dumps you as a friend, then you will know that she was never a friend in the first place.

And yes, you've been taken advantage of a great deal. Why you'd continue to put up with this is beyond me.

In Oklahoma child care gets about $11 per day for after school care. So $55 per week. This includes transportation to pick them up from school and for snacks too.

I'd tell her you can't watch the boy anymore and that's that.

If you truly don't want to hurt her feelings and want to avoid a fight them you might want to do a part time job for a while and make sure you're out of the house when she needs child care.

Give her a final date and then don't be home during the time she needs you for a while.

when i was a young woman i too had difficulty differentiating between 'setting boundaries' and 'creating conflict.'
don't wait until you're a crone to fix this. there's really no need to let resentment build up just because you thought you'd do a nice thing. she might be a user and she might stomp off in a huff and never speak to you again. it's very possible.
now put that into a 7-year-old context. what would you say to YOUR kid if another kid did that?
so, worst case scenario, you redefine what works for you and she has a cow and never speaks to you again. you feel squiffy and uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and then the vast relief of being out from under this chafing situation sets in.
what will probably happen is that she will be a little flustered and embarrassed, but will then see the benefits and probably actually be a little grateful to know just exactly what to expect.
when i was a new mom i had caregiver who worked out of her house and was willing to accommodate my fluctuating retail schedule, which was (and is) rare. being clueless (and broke. and cheap) i adjusted what i paid her one time because i'd picked my son up early. the next time i brought him she met me outside, and said in a tone quite courteous but also unsmiling 'your check was a little short last week. our agreement was that you would let me know the hours you needed me to watch brian, and that's what i expect to paid for.'
i almost dropped the baby in my mortification. wrote her a check making up the balance on the spot, and we had a terrific relationship going forwards.
if she didn't pay, speak up. you really don't need to ask how to be polite about it, do you, if you stop and think about it. yes you do need to be polite because you're a polite person. but you don't have to twist yourself into a pretzel over it.
'marylou, there's a problem. i'm already watching your child for a fee that's become unworkable for me, and now i've tutored him for a week and not been paid at all. from now on i'll be expecting $100 a week, and that's what i'll need to be paid even if you don't bring him for some reason. i'm drawing up a contract now, and if you agree, i'll need it signed and returned to me by this friday. oh, you can't afford that? okay, well we can knock out the tutoring and it will be $60 a week. still too much? i understand. we'll miss basil. i hear there's a new home daycare opening up on marigold avenue. have a great weekend!'
khairete
S.

She's taking advantage of you. The only way to deal with this is head on. 'Mary, we need to talk. You agreed to pay me XXX amount to tutor your son in math and I haven't seen a dime of that money. In addition you didn't pay me last week. I'd really like to get the money that we agreed to so that it won't effect our friendship moving forward. Honestly I'm feeling like you are taking advantage of me.'

It'll end well or badly but at least you won't have that resentment moving forward. You'll have stood up for yourself and will be able to set health bountries moving forward.

Michelle G said it best. Sometimes, business needs to be business. I say that from both perspectives of being a child care provider and having had to arrange child care for my son. I hired a neighbor dad for that and we went out to coffee and wrote out an agreement together which worked for both of us. That was 4 years ago and we are all still friends. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she wants to do right by you, be up front with her and put the ball in her court. Either she'll rise to the occasion to formalize what was once a loose agreement or she will find other arrangements.

I agree with most things Doris said below. However, I would add as difficult as it is and as much hurt and or resent that you might feel, she didn't necessarily put you in this position in as much as you allowed. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but rather I am speaking from past experience and I too have allowed people to take advantage of me over and over.. In my case, I was a big enabler and co-dependent, these traits were so embedded into my thinking and behavior that I didn't realize I was doing then and like you felt resentful.. I often worked OT without payment for years.. gave and gave to friends with nothing in return.. The only way your resentment will stop is to stop doing what you're doing. It s ok to tell her you don't want to babysit over the summer or tutor her child. Consider this, you are letting her off the hook every time you don't say anything and she gets to feel good about her choice while you feel bad.. stop watching him now.. don't wait for school to end.. it's ok to take back YOUR time... this is a good lesson learned... and going forward, listen to your gut instinct, we get certain feelings for a reason.. somewhere along the line, you probably wondered if what you are doing is a good idea... listen to that inner voice.. it will help guide you so that you don't continue to be taken advantage of in life.. clearly, the woman looks out for HER own interests, YOU have a right to look out for yours.. do it now... I would mention the money because IF you don't, you regret it.. or at least think about it.. if confrontation is what you fear, the neighbor sure isn't afraid of it when she deducts money for any day you didn't watch her child... clearly she isn't in fear... this is she and her husband's problem..you have a right to your boundaries, however you must work on having more boundaries.. you can do this.. it's difficult but you can do this.. she owes you a ton of thanks.. too bad if she gets pissy or not over the tutoring money.. you are due the money.. ask her for it. .
good luck

I have been through things like this and my pay was this: a lesson learned. Polite is whatever you believe polite is and you can ask nicely however, that might require you bumping into eachother and I think you paid yourself by not accepting anymore of her 'work'
I had to do this with someone some years back who had me babysit a brand new baby and older sister and it was ridiculous. And even after I told her I couldn't anymore, she still called and asked. So take it easy on yourself and realize that we know yes indeed you were taken advantage of and now you won't be. Enjoy your freeness!!

People only take advantage of you if you let them. You have given her notice that you can't do it any longer so that's good. She should be able to find another provider.

I would actually give her a printed bill showing what she owes, INCLUDING the tutoring you have done. I would nicely say she doesn't have to pay it all at once (since she will be paying for now for someone else) but that you would appreciate it if she would make it a priority to pay you back all of it since you did her a favor for so long.

I understand about being pissed and it would be hard to move on, especially if she lives next door. But really, if she doesn't pay you, you don't watch her kid anymore and you chalk this up to a big lesson learned and move on and don't dwell on it. If someone asks you a favor next time you will be ready to say, gee, I did that for someone once and it really bit me in the butt so I told myself I would never do that again...sorry. JMO. Good luck.

I think that what started out as goodwill has turned into her taking advantage of the situation. I realize you are neighbors and it might be uncomfortable, but you need to get a written agreement and she needs to pay you what YOU require, not what she thinks is appropriate. She's welcome to put him back in the other program if she doesn't like your rates or rules. If she were anywhere else, being late would be $1 a minute, and 3 strikes she's out. If she's really your friend, all the more reason to say, "I care about you and your son, but I can't do x without $y." You might want to start with "I need the money from last week, and if you want me to tutor him, that's an additional x per day."

If you want to take the easy way out, stay firm with the last week of school and never again. If your children and her child are friends, make sure that summer playdates don't turn into free babysitting.

I have this inner policy that if a person doesn't pay me/pay me back it's a lesson learned.
This has BURNED me countless times!!! I'm currently in a loose situation similar to yours, but the neighbor is much more manipulative than yours. She's told me stories about weird things another neighbor that helped her out has done, how much the other neighbor charges, how horrible her boyfriens is/was to her, how horrible her landlord is, etc, etc.
I can not give you advice about how to get her to pay.., because mine has forgotten to pay more than she's remembered!!
You are NOT overreacting. I wish I ever would have tried it and stuck to my original 'no more room in the mini van' excuse. Just be glad it's over soon and keep it that way!!

Keep a record of what she owes you and hand her an invoice. If you want to settle up by trade of sitting hours on weekends in the summer, fine, but she owes you. She might be able to take your kids to the zoo or some other activity as a trade as well. Get creative and I'm sure it will be fine.

Of course you could have put a stop to this a long time ago but I know where you're coming from. It's hard to believe some people act the way they do so you let it continue thinking you must be the one missing something. With age does come some wisdom and experience dealing with other mothers. I have been taken advantage of plenty. Not like you but lots of smaller ways. So don't blame yourself. It's good you're now going to change things though and going forward you'll be more conscious of how people can be. I think it comes up way more once we're mothers bc of all the needs created by kids that weren't there before. Single or motherless women usually just don't need so many favors or help so it's unchartered territory. Just be aware she's not necessarily the only "friend" who will take advantage. I've finally learned I can only control myself and if I do favors, I am aware of the reasons I'm doing them which makes me less resentful. It's usually not to help the mother if she's the ungrateful sort... It's bc my child benefits from the playdate or me hosting yet another talent show practice when the other mother never does but it's fun for my child. Or I know the mother isn't a real friend but I just enjoy her company bc she's funny so I'll do the extra. Lessens the blame. Glad summer is coming so you can easily end this situation.

Heck no, you are not overreacting. You are under reacting in a big way. I am kind of amazed at you that you have let this go on for so long. Yes, you should feel resentful, but you also have to take the blame because you have let this happen. A very inexpensive home daycare would be more like $10 an hour. Tutoring is $50 and hour. You need to work on valuing yourself more and valuing your time. Your time is worth this. Before agreeing to anything you should have had her sign a contract saying she will pay you x amount an hour for child care. Then once tutoring started you should have told her your price and agreed on it. You have been taken advantage of in the extreme! Remind her today when she pays you to not forget to pay for last week as well. Please never help this woman again...it will just refuel your resentment. Please start valuing your time more.

Lesson learned. A short time is a short time. She did not pay you for the times she said. No more watching child.

You have your own life and your own family to care for. She must learn how to do the same. It was nice that you could do it for the time that you did. Now you have moved on and she must find someone else to do so. They will drop her like a hot potato the first time she does not pay.

You are in control of what you do or don't do. If you don't want to do something you don't do it matter what the sad sob story is. Your life your rules.

Have a good summer with your family only. Plan trips and be gone so that she cannot beg for your help. She is a user and not a friend and only a neighbor not family.

the other S.

PS You can't please everyone all of the time.

I agree with Doris Day. Say no. If she asks why, I agree to say that you are both on different pages. She hasn't paid what she offered, and you haven't demanded that she pay before her kid arrives. She keeps asking, and you keep saying "yes", or at least not saying "no". If you want to make this a professional arrangement, draw up a basic contract and invoice her for what she owes you (dates, hours, rate). Add in the "extra money" for tutoring, even though it was not a specified amount.

Yes she is taking advantage. But you are a little bit at fault as well for not insisting that she treat you professionally or even decently (e.g. not telling you about her husband).

If you are in a professional day care/babysitting situation in your own home, you have the right to tell the child what's expected and what's allowed. You discipline him as any teacher/tutor/day care provider would.

If you confront this woman and she turns on you, then she wasn't your friend to begin with. She's treating you will little regard or respect. But you have to put your foot down.

O. more week of school?
Chalk that $ up to life experience. You're not gonna miss 20 bucks and you're a who lot wiser now, right?

I did not read other posts but sounds like by your swh that you understand what happened.

You have two different sets of standards. She has the mushy, opportunist stadards where she takes advantage of things. Which is a COMMON trait.

Try not to feel personally attacked because she didn't act as you would have acted. That isn't your fault, and you didn't raise her. Try to forgive her if you like her, and don't get sucked in again.

If you decide to ask her for the back pay, that would be great! Do it in a clear, non-guilty way. "Hey, when can I get my money from last week and tutoring?". If you don't say anything, she probably won't step up because she may have convinced herself you have let her down now that you have said you won't keep watching him. She seems to have that type of personality. And be prepared for her to avoid paying you, and be prepared to choose your emotions if that happens..

Or you could let it go and decide not to be resentful. Chalk it up to experience and keep her at a distance going forward. Whatever you you decide to do and how to feel is totally up to you. Her actions are all on her. You should be proud of the valuable service you did for her and not feel bad.

Yep.. You being taken advantage off.
If you have nothing to lose ... Ask her to pay you what she would have paid for after school and that is with no tutoring. Like others have said, obtain things in writing.