Should I Still Try to Help??

Sounds like the husband knows that she is this way. I am assuming that is why he asked you to keep an eye on her. I would tell her straight up exactly how you feel. Her lifestyle, carelessness, and lack of responsiblity have made you choose not to be her friend any longer. Tell her this after you get the phone back. Make no appoligies about it and wish her luck then leave. There is no reason to have drama about the situation. Tell her husband that you cannot watch over her that she is a grown woman and has made some bad choices and left you feeling overwhelmed. Good luck. One bad apple destroys the bunch.

take back the cell phone, don't lend her any more money, and definately don't cover for her in any way. . . but be there if she needs a friend or an ear or a shoulder. . . she needs to (as her therapist suggests) grow up and learn to take responsibilty for her actions and herself. Her husband might be upset at first, but it is better that he finds out if she can take care now than when he is next deployed and maybe you are transfered elsewhere.

She sounds like a girl I know. I dropped her!! I was tired of the lies. Tired of the rumors of her going out and living the party life. Granted, she never asked me for money, but she would ask me for other things. Being a good friend to her was important to me, but I got tired of it!! Since I have stopped speaking to the person, life has been much better for me. No more drama, that wasn't even mine to begin with. No more phone calls asking for "favors". I have a piece of mind knowing that I did all I could for her, but I had to let it go.

Oh, boy. Though you promised her husband that you would look after her, you have no obligation to enable her behavior. Take the phone away from her. Tell her that giving her money puts you off your payment schedules. With all due respect to your friendship, you are not her caretaker. I get that you want to be loyal to her, but with loyalty comes mutual accountability. You're not being loyal by helping her continue down this road. Neither can you stop her. All you can do is not contribute to the madness.

I do think that you should address the rumors with her and just let her know that, while it's none of your business to share it with her husband, you wil not participate in it. Don't offer up your resources to help her. It's not your job to make sure that she is reachable when her husband calls. They can work out that schedule together, and if she will not make herself available to receive his call, that's for them to work out. Cable is not a necessity. If she eventually has the money each month, then that's when the cable can be turned on.

Bottom line--we all do what we want to do. For you to keep covering for her (bailing her out of money jams, lending her the telephone when she has made it apparent that talking to her husband is no priority, etc.) only prolongs her facing any accountability for her actions. She's an adult with little responsibility, and you are helping her to remain that way. Not your call and not your problem.

"Should I try to help??" What you can do to help is to stop "helping".

K.,

I first want to say a heartfelt "thank you" to you, your husband and family. The sacrificies that ya'll have made are greatly appreciated by this American and her family!

Now for the friend issue. One, please get your phone back. If not, turn it off. Being a friends does not mean supporting her. You are not responsible for her. She is a grown woman who is making some bad decisions. You HAVE helped! Sometimes, the only way to show your love and caring is to show tough love. Now, you need to stand firm.

Is your husband aware of what is going on? I know you may not want to burden him, but you need to let him be aware of the situation. Let him know that you are handling it but that you just wanted him to be in the loop.

Please keep all bills. Once her husband comes home there is no telling what she may tell him. Should a problem arise, be sure to have your documentation ready. She may and try to tell him she was helping YOU! I would limit my time spent with her. I don't think she is really a true friend because a true friend wouldn't put you in this situation. GOOD LUCK and THANK YOU!!

I know I am going against everyone else's advice, but I have come to realize a few things recently. A few months ago, I would have agreed wholeheartedly that you should not get involved. However, I have realized recently that the relationships we make are so important! If this woman is repaying you, and if she is helping you, doesn't she deserve some compassion? You do not have an obligation to give her the cell phone, especially since you will end up being responsible if she cannot be. I do think that there are lots of ways you can help without running the risk of enormous phone charges. (How far away is she? Could you let her use your phone at your house?) I also say that your first responsibility is to your family, so if your family is being effected by this situation, then you should not be putting yourself and your children at risk. However, if she is a good person around you and she does act well around your family, then I don't think you should abandon her. What she needs is support and if you can provide it, then do so. If the money she needs to borrow is small and will not hurt your family if she is unable to repay, then you may be the support she needs to become a better person. If your family is being effected by the friendship, then I would tell her that you are unwilling to hurt your family and that you cannot continue this friendship. I would need to know more about the lies, but I had a friend who was a compulsive liar, and I believe most of the lies were said because she was ashamed of her situation. None of her lies hurt me or my family, and I know that she only wanted to be in a better situation. I hope this helps!

WOW. You remind me of myself. I used to frequently get into situations such as these. I love to help people and pour my heart and soul (and frequently money) into their cause. I don't remember when I finally realized what I was doing was unhealthy for me and them. I have changed the way I deal with things now by using a simple rule. I call it the "back legs kicking" rule. I have to tell a story to explain this rule:
Back in the old days, when a farmer found his horse down in the morning he would attempt to get her up on her feet, and if her back legs were kicking in an attempt to get herself up, he would continue trying. If she was not willing to help herself, he would leave her (or put her down) and take care of all the other animals that needed his attention as well. Moral of the story... If the horse (friend) is not willing to help herself, then nothing you do will save her. Additionally, if you waste your time, energy and money trying to help, you are taking away from the other animals who would actually benifit from your services.(In your case that would be your children or other friends)
So... now when I help people, I look to make sure their back legs are kicking, and if they aren't I tell them this story and express my concern for their well-being, and let them know I hope they will re-assess their situation and start kicking their legs. I then back off and let them take care of their own problems. From what you have written, "Carrie"'s back legs aren't even moving, let alone kicking....
Hope this helps...

Sometimes helping out is being honest. You might sit her down, remind her that her husband is returning soon and would be hurt to hear the rumors of her behavior. Offer to help her with budgeting, write one out, then when she needs money you can ask if she stuck to the budget.

You having a past due phone bill could affect your marriage, I would tell her that, and ask that it be paid ASAP.

K.,

I feel for the dilemma you are in. You made a promise to her husband and want to be a friend to her. The fact that her therapist was confronting her with her irresponsibility and she did not want to hear it is a big red flag to me. It sounds like her husband has some idea or he would not have asked someone to "look after" her. With your good intentions, you are still enabling her because you are suffering the consequences of her bad decision rather than she - so she is not forced to learn from them.

There are certainly many options besides dropping her or continuing to do more of the same. I would encourage you to sit down after your children are asleep and write a letter to her explaining your concerns and what you need. You can re-write it until you think it has the right balance of compassion and honesty and then decide whether to give it to her. It will at least clarify what you really want. My guess is that if you confront her, she will shut you down. Her behaviour sounds like that of someone with a lot of inner confusion and pain so she is likely to be very defensive. I hope that you find a way to do what you feel is right without being hurt by her decisions.

Wow sorry this has happened to you. Well I am glad that she has paid you back, that is something although she still owes a hefty amount! I don't know anything about the rumors of course, but it really sounds like this lady is in teenager mode or something. Her husband's away and it's time to play kind of thing. I think that getting your cell phone back is a must. I know she pays these things back but until she does that eats into finances dedicated to taking care of you and your children. The fact she doesn't have money so often is definitely a concern. I don't know what her husband expected but you cannot think that you will change her habits by looking after her. It is really great that she was there for you and I am pretty sure you showed a lot of gratitude for that but it doesn't mean that she can take advantage of you because she was a good friend. Alot of times when I find myself in these awkward situations I think, "what would my husband have to say about this" or I just talk it out with him. Would he want me in this situation? Men have a far less emotional and much more practical approach often times. It has really helped at times to nip some of these situations in the bud as I have had a tendency in the past to attract somewhat leechy friends. So I say get the cell back, just tell her you can't afford it when she goes over, waiting to get paid back puts a kink in your finances and then don't loan her anymore money. If she sticks around after the financial cord is cut, then she is probably a good friend who got into bad habits. If she goes when the money goes, she probably was never much a friend at all. Best wishes and thanks so much for sharing your husband with our country to keep us all safe!:) I really appreciate all you military wives do for our country as well!

Hi K.,

Wow...you sound like a Good Samaritan to the nth degree! I guess I'd go by the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) when dealing with this. You're friend sounds like she needs help in all forms. It's possible she has an addiction (from what you've said about her) that she's trying to hide from everyone (definitely herself). I agree that you should take your phone back (before she runs up more charges) and not 'loan' her any more money. You want to help not support her.

Good luck! God bless....

A.

Most of the posts I've read say to "cut her loose". I have to disagree to an extent. Not sure if you're Christian, but if you are, you have to decide why you've been put in her life. She sounds as if she may need a level-headed friend. I would not lend her anymore money, though. She should be responsible for her portion of the phone bill. Give her a copy of the bill with a deadline to pay you back. I have a friend who is drama, drama, drama. I'm still her friend. I just take her with a grain of salt. She sounds like a good friend. Not everyone would step up to help with kids. She is the best friend SHE knows how to be. As far as money goes, I would politely say that you just don't have it this time, that something came up. But I would still be there for her emotionally. When her world crumbles around her, which it very well may, she will need a good friend (YOU) to be there for her. She may be young and have a long road ahead of her.
Good luck,
K.

Hi K.,
Some people will advise you to keep it up/cut her off. I suggest a compromise. Let her keep the cell phone with the understanding that she continue to pay you back. As for the rumors, don't waste any time trying to find out the truth. Her behavior is her business, not your responsibility. If her utilities etc get cut off, let her tough it out. Tell her you are unable to float her loans anymore. Don't explain why. If she is running around on her husband that is their issue, not yours. You cannot be held responsible for anothers choices. Many people knowingly or unconsciously create drama in their lives to make themselves feel important to show others they are strong or to force others to prove they are worth the extra trouble. You have been fortunate to have her help you out in a crisis. Though you have helped her out in the past, you do not owe her or her husband more. When people create this kind of drama, they don't Want it to stop. They just want to know others will come to their rescue. Her husband and she will have to work it out when he returns. You are not her conscience. Good for you for recognizing it is time to cut back her dependency on you. The drama is not good for you/your family. HTH

I didn't read the other comments but IF I were you...I'd first get my cell phone back and then let her go as a friend. True friends do NOT do this to you. I'd just stay away from her, she sounds like trouble. Yes, she may have helped you once, but you have given her what sounds like a lot of money; my opinion is that you don't owe her anything! As far as the promise you made to her husband, you did the best you could, and if he doesn't appreciate it...it's his problem not yours. I know this is easier said than done, but your life doesn't need a lying leech.

It's great that you are so compassionate. You can still treat her with compassion but do it without giving her money and by all means get your cell phone back. As someone suggested, you can limit her time on the phone (and there should be a clearly stated limit) by allowing her to use it in your home and in your presence but do not allow her to keep it. She's a big girl and needs to grow up and accept responsibility. By allowing her to use you this way you're also enabling her to be irresponsible. You can't change her and shouldn't feel guilty because of the choices she makes. You can set the limits of how you help her and you should feel good about yourself because you care enough to listen.

Hi K.
I've been through 4 deployments, so I've seen situations such as yours. First and foremost, you need to get your cell phone back. Second of all you have to stop loaning her money. You have to take care of YOU and your children. You and I know that there is extra pay when our spouses deployed. You and I know that when our spouses deploy that certain bills go down, such as food, car insurance and cell phone because our spouses aren't home. She is the only home, so she has money. When we come home, we come home to our children. When she comes home, she is coming home to an empty house. She is probably going through some things that we can't really understand. That's still no excuse for some of the "rumors" that she's doing. Now going back to the money situation. She may "not" have money. There are some soldiers who don't have their wives on the accounts and things of that nature. So I'm gonna tell you the truth. You need to get the FRG leader and Rear D involve. Even though sometimes "rumors" are true, sometimes there are just HATERS in the world who are spreading stuff. So if there is something serious were her husband isn't doing his part, Rear D can make sure that she has money. Also, She can get an AER loan from the Army. I'm also concerned about the fact that her husband asked you to keeep an "eye" on her. It's one thing if the husband said be my wife's battle buddy. It's very different when he says keep and "eye" on my wife and why he wants you to do it. That's an indication that there is a problem with their marriage. When he comes home, that problem didn't change, and reintergration is going to be hard for them. So you could also recommend her going to the Chaplain. Everything that is said to the Chaplain stays with the Chaplain unless we tell them differently. So if she's a real friend of yours, she will understand why you want your phone back, why you want your money and why you're telling her to see the Chaplain, and talk to the FRG leader and Rear D and get an AER loan. Oh and when you get that $800 back, put it in a savings account. So when you hubby returns, you, your kids and your hubby can go to Disneyland and enjoy each other. I hope this help :)

Wait, she's paid back "most" of the phone debt but still owes you $800?!?!?! And she makes MORE money? And she has NO children?
Honey! You've been doing a good thing, but you've got to take care of yourself and your family's finances (obviously the way you have been so that you're in a position to be this generous). Get the phone back and cut your losses. If you're concerned about your friendship with the husband then be honest with him, certainly no one could have done more to take care of his wife in his ,and he could find no legitimate fault with you. Sometimes, in order to be friends with someone it is necessary to maintain a certain distance which might include talking and visiting, but does not include lending money or bailing someone out of every crisis. People like this live in crisis mode and will always demand that you bail them out. It can literally go on and on w/o end. Otherwise why would her husband even have felt the need to ask someone to watch out for her? He knows!
Good luck though, I know how hard it can be to say "No More"

I have encountered MANY people like this and have found that there is NEVER enough that you can do to help them dig out of their financial hole. If you gave her $1,000 then she would quickly get further into debt.

Stop enabling her to continue in her irresponsible lifestyle. DEFINITELY ask her to return the cell phone explaining that you are now in debt due to no fault of your own. If she refuses to return it then cut it off via the phone company.

NEVER again loan her money. She is an adult and you are also not allowing children to suffer since she doesn't have children.Fill in the money pit and no matter what her emergency is..never give her money.

I applaud your dedication to your friend and her husband but you have done way more than the call of duty. I think you are being used by this person and would no longer give her financail help. I would also try to contact her husband and let him no what is going on before he gets home. you are a true friend but enough is enough. God bless you and your family.

I would have taken the phone back after the 2nd month that she went over on minutes. By all means, take it back now. With the way it sounds like she is getting with you, you may not get the rest of the money back that she owes you, though. Cut her off financially. You can be her friend and watch over her without having to foot the bill for her. She obviously is blowing her money on going out, probably on clothes, and quite possibly on excessive amounts of alcohol and/or illegal drugs.

I wouldn't tell her husband about it right now. He has enough worries where he is. But, as soon as he gets back I would call a meeting with him and explain what all has been going on, money wise, rumor wise, etc. He deserves the right to know if she is cheating on him. She could be carrying around some STD now, that she could pass on to him.

Well, being a friend does not mean that you let friends destroy your life or theirs. It is totally up to a person to look at their actions from someone elses eyes. It is not that someone just wants to tell them what to do, but that they can tell them about their ways. Her husband obviously views you as a responsible, trustworthy person and he knows how his wife is. Take a firm stand on the things that you want from your friendship with her. The phone will definitely be a thing that I will take away. (like a child, huh) Make the suggestion for her to get one of those pay as you go phones that you can get a card with an add minutes as needed. Hate to be harsh, but since she doesn't have any kids let her sit in the dark if her lights get cut off. The cable is not important, so the T.V. time can be used for doing something constructive. Sometimes you have to let people fall in order for them to see that they can be the beginning of picking themselves up. You obviously don't want to disappoint the husband with him having enough stress with the job that he his doing. Be a good friend to both the husband and wife and distance the things that you don't need to be involved in. You definitely don't want any of her lies to get you tangled in and ruin things in your family trying to protect her. Your family values and morals come first.

Be strong show support where needed. Good Luck to you and your family.

you should definatly get the cell phone back. She will probably get upset and you may never see the other money she still owes you, but you have to quit enabling her.She is NOT your responsibility. Her husband just asked you to watch over her (probably meaning, stay her friend). She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. Maybe sit her down and explain that you cannot keep paying her way out. You have your own family to support. Seems that by getting her to go to a therapist you are helping her enough. Be strong and say NO to everything else.

Girl, please, Carrie is alot of things, but she's certainly not your friend. Do not make her problems your own. You have done what was asked of you by her husband and that was to look out for her, not that you owed her anything in the first place. You have done that and more. Like your husband and hers, I have been a soldier, serving my country in the Middle East. I didn't need anyone to babysit my man because he was just that; a grown man. There are limits to everything and apparantly you have reached yours. Get your cell phone back and cut her loose. Friendship is a beautiful two-sided relationship that should be fun, easy and a source of joy. This girl is only using you. If she wasn't doing wrong, she could turn to the one who should be her best friend in the whole world, her husband. Good luck!

A little about me: 39 year old single mom with two beautiful daughters, ages 19 and 14.

It's time to clean out your friend closet.

Carrie does not need to be told by a paid professional she needs to take responsibility. She already knows that and doesn't want to - that's why she quit seeing him.

With her husband away from home for long periods of time she gets the best of both worlds - married, loving spouse and someone to pain attention to her - then single party girl.

Since you know now this about her - and you probably know in your gut the rumors are true - you have become an accomplice to her lies to her husband.

I would strongly recommend you get your phone back from her and cut ties with her immediately. I would also tell her husband about it once he returns so that he can have a conversation with Carrie's husband.

Carrie is not your friend - even though she's helped you in the past - that was her buying your silence regarding her activities. Surely there are other people within your military / church community that would help you if needed.

Good luck.

You have helped as well as trying to get her to help herself. Do not feel bad at all about taking the cell phone back and no longer supporting her financially, although I think you should still try and support her emotionally as a "friend" if she will let you. She has taken advantage of you and that should stop now. God Bless you and your family - we will pray for both your husbands safe return.

K., I hate to say it but you have tried to help. She can only help herself at this point. I feel she is taking advantage of you at this point. I would get the phone back immediately and not count on ever getting that $800 back. When her husband asks what happened, just tell him the truth. I'm sure he knows his wife pretty well by now. You need to look out for your own family. I hope she does seek counceling and gets her life together. She just sounds very irresponsible and you cannot fix that.

I havn't read all of your responses but you sound like a very good friend who is giving & trusting. Excellent qualities by the way. This person is taking advantage of your kindness and you are too nice of a person for this to happen to. You need to get your cell phone back immediately and close the bank. She will figure out how to take care of things. As for her husband, I'm sure he will be greatful for what you have done. I would even go as far as calling him and letting him know. If she is really your friend, she will understand why you need to take these steps. Best of luck to you

Maybe by helping you are enabling? She sounds very immature. Its no wonder her husband wanted her to be checked in on. Here is what I would do. First, get your phone back. It was nice of you but that seems to be a bad idea. Next, go to office depot and get this woman a planner, or a calender, or some other organization tools. Next, go to her house and help her get organized. More than likely her husband was the one who paid the bills and did the family finances. She may just not know how to stay on top of it. If he is deployed then she should be getting extra money for hazardous duty and him being over sea's so obviously she just doesn't know how to manage it well. Be a good friend by helping her to help herself!

No I think you've helped enough, for her to have stopped going to the therapist, obviously she taking you for a ride, I think you should tell her husband, and you don't need friends like that. Good luck.

I'd bet money she is on drugs... It sounds the same as a few people I know (and stay away from)

You are a great person and a wonderful friend. Ending this relationship does not change any of that. But you also need to consider the message you are giving your children about letting people take advantage of you and keeping secrets that can seriously hurt people. Call your cell phone company and report the phone lost. When she asks tell her the bill is overdue and until the payment has been PAID IN FULL, it will remain off. Then start to distance yourself. Do not make yourself available. When she asks for help, JUST SAY NO. It sounds simple, I know it is not, but you can do it!! Say a prayer for the strength to get thru this and you will. Everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves. You are not doing her any favors by saving her. She will find someone else to take the brunt of her actions, I promise. As far as telling her husband, I say pray about that one too. If you are hearing these rumors, you are not the only one that knows, so if you do not tell him, someone will.
Good luck sweetie!! You can make this a positive for you and your family. Stay strong. God Bless!!

I haven't read the other responses, but I know where you're coming from. I've been in similar situations with my family. All I can say is, END IT NOW! It will just keep getting worse. She will have to learn to take responsibility for herself and her actions. I can't imagine what you ladies go through as military wives, but I do appreciate the sacrifices you make. She needs to step up and take on her own rather than making you shoulder the burden of 2 households.

The rumors may be just that- don't take them into consideration unless you know them to be true. Maybe her husband was the one who gave her stability and kept her from going all out financially, etc. I'm sure it is a tough adjustment to not have him there. The issue here is she is taking advantage of you. You should not have to be responsible for your own children and a grown woman too. I agree that it sounds like she needs to see a therapist, but unfortunately she will have to decide for herself that she's ready.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I just wrangled myself out of a tangled web of my own so I know just where you're coming from.

Sounds to me like she is old enough to take care of herself. I would ask for the cell phone back first of all, because with three kids I'm sure you don't have the luxury of spending whatever you want on your cell phone, especially if it wasn't even you that incurred those expenses. Sounds to me like her husband might have felt that she might need someone to look after her, but really, i feel like he wanted someone to "spy" on her. You have enough on your plate with a deployed husband and three kids to have to deal with a grown woman. I can understand that she did you a huge favor before, but you'd have to ask yourself "haven't I done enough already"? It's just my opinion, but if she makes more more than you do and doesn't have any kids, then she should be able to afford a cell phone by herself. If she is just spending her money going out and partying, then it shouldn't be your obligation to help her with a cell phone that she abused the priviledge of you letting her borrow, by her going well over the minutes. There's a saying that goes if you want to lose a friend then lend them some money. It's kind of what's hapeening. Good luck with your situation.Try talking to her and let her know you appreciate what she did for you before but she is a grown woman and you can't be looking after her like a 4th child. Again good luck! i'd say you've done enough!

Sounds like it could be a gambling or drug problem, either way you should get your cell phone back and maybe let her come over to youe house at a certain time to call her husband, that way you won't have to worry about anymore overages on the minutes. Suggest she try CCCS to get her money problems in order.

Definitely stop the financial bleeding and get your phone back... or call the company and tell them you can't find your phone and please put a freeze on the account until you do "find it". Of course if she perceives your attitude towards her changing, you should assume the remaining $800 owed to you will not be paid back. Perhaps it will be easier to swallow the lost $800 if you see it as money you would have spent on childcare when she stepped in to help back when you had emergency surgery?

I'm not sure where I stand in regard to when and how to tell her husband... On one hand, there's the question, Should he be distracted with this issue while he is deployed? (Really, he has enough to worry and focus on?!) However, if you think the fact that he can not get in touch with her is distracting him or causing him excessive worry, then close the loop with his request... Send and email or letter, etc., and explain (without details) that something's going on with her and you've tried to help as much as you could but that she's shutting down being receptive to your inquiries, suggestions and friendship.

As for your message to her, tell her you care about her, that you're worried about her but that you can no longer not involve yourself or your children with whatever chaotic influences she is fostering. (Honestly, if she's burning through that much money and her lifestyle is spurning rumors of affairs and irresponsibility, then it sounds like drug use... She's using whomever she can and whatever 'attribute' she can offer to fund her next party.)

you sound like a good person and you're trying to keep your word....however, do u think her husband would want u to help her/enable her to be irresponsible and making the choices she is? she's sounds like she's taking advantage of you. she knows that you're there to bail her out...she sounds like a teenager! it's time for u to set boundries...helping her would be to pick her up if she had a flat tire, not giving her $ and cell phones, etc.! that's not your job or responsiblity! obviously noone needs to talk for that many minutes. it's hard to confront someone, but if u don't put a stop to it...who will?

It sounds like Carrie can be there for you, as she was in the emergency. I wouldn't drop her cold turkey. I would, however, get my cell phone back, as she has abused that privilege. If you can, get her a T-mobile prepaid phone. If you put $50 worth of minutes on it, I think, you get free nights and weekends. That puts the responsibility of paying for her phone service on her. Is it possible she has a drug habit?

Hi K.,

Bless you, you are a great friend! I appreciate how hard it is going to be, but I think you should stop giving her money. Please know that I do not take these words lightly. I firmly believe that if someone asks for your shirt you give them your cloak, but it sounds as if she might have an addiction issue or something. How DOES one spend so much? Does she shop all the time at designer stores? Can you see with your eyes the stuff she is buying? If you're not seeing bags and bags of stuff coming home from the mall or a new car in her driveway and evidence of simple wasteful spending on junk, I would strongly suspect that she's spending it on junk she's putting in her body. I know you don't want to be a part of that!

Maybe it isn't fair to suspect these kinds of things, especially of one who has cared for your children, but she lies a lot and she blows so much money that she can't pay her bills? Sounds like the behavior of an addict.

I would ask her for the phone back and maybe tell her husband that you had to cancel the line. (Cancel the line if you have to). I don't know what her husband's life is like while deployed but maybe you can arrange for her to be at your house at a specific time when he calls. You might have to chalk that $800 bucks up to charity, but at least that amount won't grow.

It is hard to believe but a dear friend from my childhood ended up a coke addict. He started at the age of 35. Professional, degreed good guy who spoke at my wedding. He lives on the streets now. These things can get good people and reduce them to mush. I hope this isn't the case with your friend, but it does sound fishy.

First I would get my phone back, immediatly. Second it does sound like she is really young and immature. This very well may be the first time she is on her own having to maintain everything herself. I know what a big adjustemnt it can be having a husband deployed for the first time, having done it a couple of time myself. That being said, it does not excuse her using you. You might want to let her know there is tons of help available on base. The family support center offers classes on financal management, and other support services. There is also military one source available, and a ton of other resources out there.
Remember you can't help her if she can't help herself. I personally wouldn't totally abandon her; but I certainly wouldn't put myself out for her, and definitly do not loan her any more money.
Hope this helps.

Take the therapist's advise and let her take responsiblity for her actions.

You can't help someone if all you are doing is bailing her out.

Helping and being taken advantage of are two different things.

Is she going over the minutes talking to her husband? This was the purpose of loaning her the phone or is this one more advantage she is taking? You have access to the phone records.

Tell her you are sending the records to her husband to work out a payment plan for the remainer of the phone bill she owes.

All I can say is that you are being too kind! It sounds like your "friend" is taking advantage of your good ,kind heart. You told her husband that you would do your best, and you have done way more than that,so you are under no obligation. Your first responsibility (while hubby is away )is to yourself and your kids.If I were you i would make sure that you let her husband know(without going into any details)that you have to make some hard decisions and one of them would be to cut back on your obligation to his wife - just so that he is at least aware that something is going on but you do not have to alarm him but at the same time you are protecting yourself in case she tries to tell him a totally different story which might not necessarily be the truth.Be strong!

As an Army wife myself, I can tell you I cannot STAND all the drama with some military spouses! I don't get how she (and others like her) can't seem to cover expenses, b/c I know how much extra a soldier makes while deployed!
I think you should cut her out of your life. Sad to say, because I know how hard it is to find friends when you're moving around all the time. But I think that it's doing you no good to deal with her all the time. I think you need to get back your phone ASAP and *hopefully* she will repay whatever she owes you, but unfortunately when you lend out a phone like that, the other person has no financial obligation to pay any charges they incur on your phone.
Also, seeing as her hubby thought it necessary to ask you to "keep an eye on" his wife, there was probably marriage problems long before the deployment. And if she didn't see it absolutely necessary for him to get a hold of her whenever possible, then (not to be judgmental) but it seems to me she doesn't care too much for the marriage.
Next time a guy asks you to keep an eye on his wife while he's gone, let that be a red flag for future drama if you are involved with a woman like that! I think you should chalk this up to "lesson learned" and just move on. If her hubby asks you later why you walked away, tell him honestly that there was too much drama 24/7 and you had enough to handle running a household and raising 3 kids while your own hubby was gone. I wouldn't tell her hubby about any suspected cheating unless you actually have proof and he asks specifically. Best to just wash your hands of the situation and stay out of it!
Good luck!!!

K., you have been a SAINT. Old girl is lieing to you.
I would ask for my cell phone back and all the money she owes me. I would not care if she did not have water or lights etc. If people do not want to help themselves.....what else can you do. You have a family and you sound like a good christian woman who has really tried, but this woman "Carrie", is a user. Discard and move on with your life. When her husband comes back, tell him the truth. If you have any respect for him, the truth is all he needs to hear and he will know exactly what to do. I am sorry, if I sound rude or mean but you don't need the drama or the loss of income dealing with a user. Get her out of your LIFE ASAP.

I wouldn't because you've more than done your part. Carrie needs to get her head out of her butt and decide what she wants in life. If other people always bail her out financially she will never see the need to be responsible for her actions. I feel like she has more than taken advantage of you! I feel really sorry for her husband! It's probably a good think they don't have kids. I would most definitely get your cell phone back! $800 is a LOT of money. You have your own family and husband to take care of and the last thing you need is a grown person running up an $800 phone bill! If she had priorities in line she could afford a cell phone but she obviously doesn't want to be available or responsible. Get the phone back and if her husband calls you can tell him that you had to get the phone back because the bill was too high. He's gonna have a lot to deal with when he gets home having a wife like her. If you can raise your kids and support a roof over their head with less money than she gets, there's a huge problem! You can't help those that don't want to help themself!!!

I think you have been extremely generous and very helpfull to this woman but she doesn't seem to be very grateful and doesn't seem to think she is doing anything wrong. The amount of money she has used with your cell phone is unreal. You really should get the cell phone back as soon as possible. If you continue to help her then you will be enabling her to continue this behavior. You will be doing her a big favor in letting her take on and fix her own problems. I hope this helps you.

I would agree that she really needs to step it up and take responsibility for her actions.
A couple things:
1. It is not your responsibility to spy or "rat" on her, HOWEVER, it is TOTALLY within your rights and within reason to send HER dear hubby the phone bill and ask for some recoup on the bills. It is also within reason to let him know that "as of now" you are no longer in a position to help her out with "her bills" due to financial strain. You don't have to give details, it's his job to find that out. If she lies to him, that's on her, not you.
2. You are not her mom.... stop "cleaning up after her". (no more money lending, it will only lead to a HUGE fallout in the future!!) I was once told by someone VERY WISE, NEVER LOAN MONEY UNLESS YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN!!
3. Don't worry about the money that you already lent her. Consider it gone and forgotten or she can and will make your life worse.
4. As for the phone you lent her, call the phone company and report it lost and get the phone deactivated. You can always get the same number back on a "new" phone or get it reactivated when your hubby gets back.

I understand the military life. I used to be in too, but there are just some things that are not your responsibility. It's one thing if you guys were super best of friends and she just needed a little help. This and you have gone above and beyond. Take care of your own so that you will be ready for your hubby coming back.

Good luck.

Sorry to be kind of harsh about it, but it sounds like she's not really into caring about you and yours, just herself.

First of all, let me say that I honor your family and your husband for the sacrifices you all make for the benefit of the rest of us. I don't know that I could do what you do so I applaud and respect you for that. Second, this is NOT how a friend treats another friend. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty and she is obviously unappreciative. Whatever tangled web she has weaved for herself undoubtedly leaves you in the lurch and possibly connected to her alibis. The addage "birds of a feather" comes to mind and I certainly wouldn't want a seemingly upstanding wife and mother such as yourself to be involved or accused of something untrue. If you end the friendship now, you'll never see your unpaid cell phone balance but it might be worth it in the long run. When her husband returns, I would hope that he figures out the real person he married. He apparently has an idea or else he wouldn't have asked you to "help" her. I've had worthless friends in the past and the only person who ends up hurt is the honest one (being you). People without a conscience don't feel remorse and rarely (in my experience) do they have a change of heart. Best of luck to you.

Oh honey WHAT are you doing??? Not trying to be rude but come on. Cut her off turn off the phone and take her to Judge judy for the balance she owes. She is worthless and if the husband knows what a flake she is how dare he ask you the mom of 3 kids to WATCH over her. My mom used to always say if you have to ask you already know the answer. Cut it off while you are still ahead sounds like this chick is draining you in more than one way. Best of luck I hope it works out for you.

Dear K.,

You have gone above and beyond your call of duty. It was inappropriate for Carrie's* husband to ask you to look after his wife. He obviously knew there was a reason she needed to be looked after. Carrie* has taken advantage of you and will continue to do so as long as you accommodate her selfish needs and fund her irresponsible behavior. I understand in your post that you may have already confronted her on some of the issues. If you really care for her and value her so-called friendship, you should talk to her and explain your position entirely. You will have to set some boundaries and stand by them. If her friendship is not important to you, it’s time to cut all ties with her and you need not explain yourself. I personally see your relationship with Carrie* as one-sided and think it would be best for you to move on. Your "debt" to her for watching your children in your time of need has been fulfilled. You are a great person for doing what you’ve done and I would be proud to have a friend like you. Carrie* obviously didn’t respect the person you are.

HTH

Get you phone and money back. Then cut her off completely!!!!

She is taking advantage of you. You have been a good friend in helping her but it is her responsiblity to care for her household. There should be plenty of resources for her to get help with financal planning, etc through the military. You don't need the stress and aggrivation. You have your own family to take care off. Why didn't her husband get her a cell phone before he left anyway.

I know I am responding to this a bit late--sorry. I just got to my emails.

Anyway, I had to let you know that it may be that your "friend" has a gambling problem. The scenario you described sounds just like one I know about where a wife and mother lost EVERYTHING--her house, her kids, her freedom, when she actually embezzled money from her company to only gamble it away!

My advice to you is to get out of the relationship. You have tried your best to help her. I think the $800 she owes you will never be paid. If you stick with her much longer, it could easily turn into $8,000.

Dearest K.,
I know you are having a battle right now with what to do because you want to be a loyal friend and help her out like you promised but if I were you I would get your cellphone back and then talk with her husband tell him everything that is going on be honest don't sugar coat it if he is your true friend he will understand and not hold anything againist you. I would ditch the friend to me she doesn't like much of a friend I would want to have. Friendships are a two way street and it seems this one is only one way and it is you that is doing all the giving in this friendship or you could say you are giving 110% and she is giving maybe 30% in the friendship. In a way it was kinda pointless for someone to ask you to take care of his wife while he is gone but I honestly think all he wanted you to do was make sure she wasn't cheating or anything not paying her bills and making sure she has a phone and I bet he doesn't know everything he should know. You just need to be honest if people are your true friends then honestly will only hurt them a little while and in the end you are still friends. :) Have a great day I hope I helped a little bit!

Hi,
First of all, you have been a great friend..but Carrie is taking advantage of your generosity. By continuing to provide her with a phone and/or money even after she owes you so much, you are only enabling her. I would talk to her husband when the chance arises, even if you have to write him and explain the situation. I am sure that would be terrible news to get while you are deployed, but I am sure he will be glad that you were honest with him. After all, he asked you to "keep an eye" on her so he knows there could be problems while he is away. There comes a time when you have to look out after yourself and your daughter and from the way things sound, the relationship between you and Carrie is strained and causing problems in your life, which more than likely you do not need....I am sure just being alone with your daughter and your husband being deployed is enough! My heart goes out to you since you have tried to do the noble thing and help your friend, but if she continues to take advantage, she is not really your friend...sounds like she needs help- and you have given her the name of a therapist but she doesn't go. Try talking to her again and just let her know that you can no longer afford to help her out, that she will be on her own with her debts. Good luck!

There comes a point when you have to take care of yourself. Knowing myself, I would probably not ask for the cell phone back as long as she pays for it. As for the partying, and the payment dramas, I would just stop talking to her as much, and stop helping her when she asks for it. Simply tell her that you aren't able to help out right now. Since she doesn't have children and it sounds like she's not expecting or anything, I would just let her take care of herself from now on. She and her husband will have to deal with their marital issues.

First, an amazing THANK YOU to your husband for his service.

Second, you are a mother with 3 kids. Your only responsiblilty is their welfare. This friend is NOT a relative, or someone you are indebted to. I hate to sound cruel, but you are not her mommy, and do not need to be surrounded by all of this. I would nicely ask for my phone back, and end it. I do feel bad for her husband, but it is not your mess to clean up.

Good luck.

Wow, what kind of friend takes advantage in such a way. And, she STILL owes $800 for the calls she went over on your phone; that is unbelievably selfish. I am a very forgiving person and a very dedicated friend but at some point there comes a line that is crossed in which enough becomes enough. You said you have called her on her deceit and if you have not let her know how she is overstepping your friendship then you should when you tell her that you cannot handle anymore. Your promise to her husband has been more than fulfilled and for the sake of your own sanity you must stop now. The question you need to ask yourself is "Are you her friend because you really love her as a friend or are you friends with her because of a promise you made to her husband?" Sometimes a friendship that takes so much hard work is not worth it. A friendship should never be work; it should always come natural and never with any pain.
As far as her husband is concerned; if you are friends with him then you should tell him why you are no longer able to keep your promise. If you do not tell him then you have to know that she will feed him many lies that will make him angry at you. I am not saying that you should betray her trust (not that it matters at this point) and tell all the dirt but if you care about his friendship then think about what you would want if you were in the same situation. Discuss it with your hubby and ask him how he feels about it; maybe he can help make the decision so you do not feel so alone.
If you are not ready to just let her go then at least tell her that your money situation is no longer in a place where you can afford to lend her any money. Also, that your cell phones are going to be cut off due to having such a high amount due and you cannot afford to pay it right now. (Make her feel guilty for putting you in the place you are in.) Tell her you need the phone back so that your husband will have it when he returns and will hopefully have enough money to turn it back on. Find out how much it would cost you to turn it off for a while and then turn it back on. Or, what if you report the phone stolen and they will automatically turn it off for you. She will see only that it is not working and you tell her that you are not able to pay for it anymore because of her going so far over your minutes. Ask her for the phone back and then wait a little while and call your phone company back and tell them you found it and have it turned back on. I am not big into fibbing but she almost leaves you no other choice.
You are in a very hard place right now and my heart goes out to you. If I were in your shoes I would just tell her that being her friend has become too hard and you just can't do it anymore. I have been in your place before but with a friend that was very moody and mean at times not realizing who she hurt or offended when she had her outbursts. I now see her only once a year at a birthday party for a mutual friend. We pick up where we left every year which is nice but I never let it go any further because I know she has not changed.

Best of luck to you and I hope it all works out for you.

Blessings to you and yours.

To truly help "Carrie", you must stop enabling her. It's great to know she has helped you in your time of need (surgery), but that's just what friends do. She has issues you are NOT responsible for and should NOT even be a part of.
It's time to pull that cell phone (or have service disconnected/temporarily suspended). Do NOT put yourself and family at risk to help one who will not help themselves.
Period...the end.

LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND!!!!! CUT IT LOOSE. You have your own responsiblities to take care of, you dont need another kid to raise. Let her fall on her own face and just inform her husband when he gets back what you tried to do and that you couldnt anymore. Get your money and cut her off!!!!

Is there anyway to get the cell phone back from her or get that one turned off? If she's running up your bill, that's being not only inconsiderate but that's simply mooching (forgive the lack of a better word) from a good friend. Yes, she's paid back some of what she owes but it seems to be escalating from what you wrote. If it were me, I'd be strict & hold my ground. Just tell her nicely but firmly next time she askes, just say something like "I'm sorry, I'm no longer able to help you pay your bills. I'm having to live on a strict budget now & I'm just no longer able to help you out as I once was before" & leave it at that. If she refuses to give your phone back, turn that one off. Even if you have to get another phone for your husband then sometimes you just hafta do that. I too, helped out someone that just kept mooching off me. Then this person started getting into my house while I was at work, stealing from me, threatening me if I didn't hand over every penny I made to them. I lost my home for at least 6 mos & had to have all the utilities cut off b/c I couldn't make the payments since the 'friend' kept taking my money. I finally had to get a P.O. against the person. I'm sure your situation isn't yet that harsh or may not even get that extreme but there's always that possibility that it'll just keep getting worse if you keep helping her. I know you want to be a good friend & are a good friend & may feel obligated but you can only do so much for someone else. This sounds like it's becoming a comfortable habit for her, knowing she can always get money from her friends rather than accepting the consequences of her overspending. Have you tried to find out if she's having a drug habit? I know that's probably far fetched but from what it sounds like you're describing someone who may have a drug habit or else something is going on that needs to be addressed. If you find there is no drug habit, perhaps you can just sit down w/her & help her better manage her money. It'd be up to her, however, to stick to that but again, you can only do so much for someone before it takes a toll on you. Good luck!!

Hey u did the best you could with what u had. Now its time to drop this friend. It will be hard to just walk away but sometimes people like that dont give u a choice. I had a friend constantly did stuff like that and even told me that i could not be in her wedding because i was pregnant( i was only a few months along). Trust me its time to move along. Do NOT buy her a prepaid phone or anything else! That is her job to keep up with stuff like that.

To me it sounds like your friend might be partying with some drugs. That would explain the lack of money and the extreme overage in phone minutes. Your "friend" has definitely abused her friendship privileges because she knows she can. She's a grown woman and can take care of herself or learn to. I say get your phone back before it's too late! and stop supporting her! You have your babies you have to take care of! God bless you! You sound like a really good person!

You have done enough! It could come back to haunt you because when they come back, they could blame you for continuing to give her money!!!
Your daughter does not need to see/be around this either.
Just tell her you won't say anything but please do not come back to visit your family.

Get hold of her onbuds man and let them help her, your money needs to take care of your family. Her husband needs to know that she is having money problems he also may be able to help.

K., unfortunately some people take advantage of even the slightest kindness. It makes those of us who give and don't mind doing so, weary and frustrated. It's good that she is at least making an attempt to pay you back! However, it doesn't seem like there's any reason for what she's doing. She apparently has the money or has been able to come up with it. Why can't she get organized enough to take care of her bills to start with? If I were you, I would most certainly get the phone back. A cell phone, cable, internet... those are not necessary. She can manage without. I never even go over 450 minutes a month. How on Earth is she exceeding 1400!? Without owing you money, she'll be able to turn hers back on! If you're willing, let her know that you're there for her and will help her where you can, but that you can't keep going w/ this cycle of borrowing money.

Rumors usually do have some basis. Being what they are, they do get blown out of proportion usually, but some of it is probably true. If she is indeed out partying, etc, then she's finding funds somewhere... they don't need to come f/ you anymore.

There are just some people in this world who cannot seem to maintain a financial responsibility. Those people have probably always had someone there to take care of those details for them. Draw a line w/ your friend. If you want to maintain the friendship, it's the only way. Allowing her to continue taking advantage of you will only hurt both of you in the end.

Blessings,

L.

I agree with your friend that said to get your phone back and end it. For assistance/resources Carrie* should call 211 or go to Texvet.com. You were smart to advise counseling because her issues are beyond what you could or should try to handle. I feel bad for her husband but it sounds like Carrie thrives on drama and really doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions. The situation is probably overwhelming for her. I guess it's good she doesn't have kids. Good luck.

call phone co. and say phone is lost so it needs to be turned off. Then tell your "friend" the remainder needs to be paid before it can be turned back on. Hope she gives you the phone back, and if you're lucky.....your money.

Without having read the other responses, I will tell you this.....

Friends don't put friends in these situations.

And, as long as you "help" her, it sounds to me that you are only hurting her. It is so kind of you to not want to see her suffer, BUT, you have three children of your own -- there is no since assuming the responsibility of raising a grown child that you didn't give birth to and you have no way of controlling (for lack of a better word--meaning, if it were your teenager, you could ground her or something -- but, it's not so you can't).

You should let her know that you would like the two of you to remain friends but that you feel in an awkward position and that you would prefer to back out of it. I think you should request the phone be returned to you and DON'T go down and co-sign for her to get her own. (give her a day or two to get her own, but that's as far as I would go with your kindnes....don't leave it open-ended or you may find yourself not being able to reclaim it). She's "grown up" enough to get married, have a job, go out and party, and take care of two pets.....then she can handle her business herself.

And, while I am sure you appreciated her assistance with your emergency situation before, that doesn't make you indebted to her for the rest of her life NOR does it give her the ability to lean on you in the manner she does..... You basically have assumed the parent role, which is admirable, yet apparently unappreciated. And even as such, in the Bible, it's a sin as a parent to assist your children in this manner when they are married. (This was something I never thought of, never looked at as a sin, nothing. But, I went to a marriage seminar....12 weeks....one week was this very discussion. It was very enlightening and helped me understand the importance of teaching my kids not to come to me all the time for help once they are married.)

By no means am I trying to offend you at all.....just offering my thoughts in hopes that it may help you one way or the other to get out of this situation that you seem to have been tangle up into. You sound like a very loving, nurturing, kind, and caring type of friend that anyone would be blessed to have. So, don't give of yourself to those who don't appreciate it....there are too many others that would!

I myself have a "top 5" rule. I'll explain...... You are most like the 5 people you spend the most time with. So, surround yourself by the kind of people you would want yourself to be. And, don't hesitate to evict someone from the top 5 should they begin to become something you would not want to be represented as. Yes, I have evicted people from the top 5 before....four in fact that pop into my head immediately (of course, not all at the same time...this was over the years). One of them all but sat in the floor begging me to remain friends with her (I had a sticky note on every phone in the office with her phone number on it that said "I'm not here if this person calls" so that they could compare to the caller id--BUT I accidentally answered it one day! UGH!). I told her if you you have to teach someone over 30 yrs old how to value your friendship and not gossip about you then that person is not a "natural" friend and not someone I want to be around. (To set the record straight....I just "backed out" every time I separated myself from someone...just stopped returning calls and emails....I never called someone up and said "Sorry, you can't be in my top five anymore...have a nice life!" I am not a cruel person).

I think I have rattled enough to you and I hope maybe at least one part will help. You are obviously a good person that has been drug into a bad situation in the name of your charitable nature. BUT, remember....charity starts at home...especially when you are trying to run your home and family while your husband is deployed!

And, many thanks to you and your husband for the huge sacrifice you have made on more than one occasion in the name of our great country!

OH! And then I read the comment of Sharon W. (below)....She puts it very perfectly!

Best of luck to you.....

Get out while you can. Cut your losses and move on. She obviosly does not care whom she hurts. I am sure her husband will be understanding. He asked you to help her out, not take care of her.

which number/s is she racking up minutes talking to?? her husband??