What Do You Do When Your 14-Year-old Daughter Is Being Bullied by Several Kids

I honestly teach my kids to handle bullies in the same way that I do.
It's not "politically correct" and it's not "safe for school", etc... And I don't care. Because none of that is life.
So when my kids encounter bullies, I teach them to handle it the way that I did/would at that age. And so far, it's working, and it's building their confidence nicely. Other parents may not like it...but those other parents are also not responsible for the comfort and confidence of my kids.

In short, to deal with a bully, you take their toys away. It's pretty easy to diffuse a situation and shut someone up. You just have to have the guts to do it, and we work on that part. So far....I've been right every time.

Okay, as a mom of a kid who was bullied, I have to disagree with some of the advice given below. Strongly disagree.

You don't say what your daughter's age is, and that has some factor in this. "Teach her to stand up for herself" is easier said than done, folks! And it implies that she's just 'letting' this happen. Not the case. Kids being mean-- the responsibility for that falls squarely on the mean kids shoulders. Sometimes, especially in a group, standing up for yourself can be very, very hard. Kids may not even know how to go about it. Their bullies may even mock them and further tease and harass or hurt the child further.

When we tell our kids "stand up for yourself" there is the implication that they are letting the bullying happen, and that's not the case.

I strongly suggest talking to the school counselor ASAP. One resource I found which really speaks to young girls and the more social bullying that happens between friends is this book:
http://www.amazon.com/My-Secret-Bully-Trudy-Ludwig/dp/158...

There's also a read-aloud video here of the book:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xFoR2fiv4s

I also found these helpful:
http://bullying.about.com/od/Responses/a/6-Things-To-Say-...

This site has other related articles.Do talk to the school counselor. Kids can be scared, frightened, or too ashamed and stunned to speak out.

The only kids who pay attention in the anti bullying sessions are those who don't bully in the first place. The bullies think they are above the rules or play it off as 'just having fun' all the while knowing that they are being bullies.

Madeline needs to get hobbies and interests that will build true friendships and distance herself from her 'friends' who treat her so badly. Talk to the school counselor and see what he/she can do to help out.

Is the bullying verbal? Teach her to use her mouth to give back what they dish out.
If it's physical, then teach her to use her fists.

It's tough - it really is.
I think the BEST thing to do is to get your daughter involved in some new activities so she doesn't have much time for her current friends.
Having friends in other places besides school is a good thing and it broadens her social circle.
Busting up the peer group can be a good thing.
I lost a bunch of friends at around that age because they were getting involved with sex way sooner that I was ready to be.
I didn't need being looked down on because of it.
I eventually made new friends and really blossomed in college.
Don't interfere directly but keep her too busy to have any time for these 'friends'.

I agree with Diane D.

One of my sons is a very gentle soul. Always had a good group of genuinely nice kind friends.

Then there is a neighbor kid. He's been in our lives now about 4 years. This neighbor kid considers himself to be son's friend, but all along has put him down, said the most rude things (I think) and I just watched my son take this. This kid comes off as older and more mature and a know it all and for whatever reason my son was sucked into this.

I had a sit down with my son and I explained he didn't have to be friends with this kid. In fact, I wasn't going to welcome this boy over any more. I would prefer he not hang out with him. The boy became way more interested when my son was no longer available. Almost bending over backwards to be friends with him.

It's a life lesson. If your daughter does not have to deal with these friend bullies, it's up to her to find kind friends. It's up to her to make some changes. If these girls are on the other hand seeking her out and making her life miserable, then there has to be some involvement on your part. And the school's.

Talk to the guidance counsellor. They may have a perspective and advice on what to do.

Good luck :)

You don't say what these kids are doing or saying. "Bullying" is a big (and IMO over-used) word. It may be the case or it may be that you have a gentle soul dealing with the rigors of middle school. Honestly I don't know where you get "growing and flourishing as a young lady" MS and early HS are hard on the old self esteem, it's a rocky road out there Dad, buckle up.

My 13 year old (eighth grade) gets in the car nearly everyday after school talking about how her friends and classmates act like jerks. She tells me things they say that many would call bullying. We discuss strategies for dealing with it, her sister talks to her about her similar experiences in middle school. My kid is pretty emotionally tough so she deals with this stuff differently than some kids might, but all in all she's pretty miserable right now. Feels like her "friends" are two faced, her classmates are mean and there is a general immaturity and cruelness to her day. Sadly, that has been our experience of middle school, myself and husband have similar memories.

We talk about what she may be contributing to the situation and what to do when it gets really bad. She can speak up... "Mom it doesn't matter what I say these kids will never stop". She can walk away..."but then I'll be all alone at lunch". She can put up with it and go along to get along "they are just so bitchy and mean". As you can see, no easy answers.

I guess my advice before you go into protect mode would be to define bullying, help her see that all kids struggle during this time and whatever you do don't feed it.

If she is truly being singled out and bullied with a group of the same kids ganging up on her day after day then you need to speak with the school. She must be clear and specific about what they are doing and saying. Be very careful opening up that kettle of fish!

Go to the school counselor and talk to her about it. You do NOT want to end up at the hospital because she has decided to try to hurt herself over this. ANY parent who has gone through this will beg you not to let this go.

Respectful of her wishes? What are they? It might be possible to switch schools, but it sounds like she doesn't want to?

She needs to learn how to stand up to bullies. It's all about attitude. What Fuzzy says is true. Maybe she can enroll in something like martial arts or theater, both activities that give a person confidence to speak up. Bullies never pick on kids who stand up for themselves.

Ask your daughter if she wants to learn how to stand up for herself, and go from there.

And she should talk to the school counselor.

I have a 16 yr old daughter that was/is verbally bullied by "friends". We talk about it. She was bullied freshman year by a couple of boys, one of whom had been a "friend" through middle school. My daughter cut herself. The counsrlor at school saw it and she was taken out of school until she was evaluated. I allowed her to be put in a hospital for 5 days--and got her out of there on the 5th day. It was the worst place for her. So many girls that had been bullied and made to feel worth less than they are. Even by family.

Anyway, my daughter still has "friends" that bully her even if some would say it is just being mean. She is on the track team at school. She has been told that she doesn't know how to run, how to do this or that. She is one of the top runners and her coach gives her advice as he should and praises her. He does this with all the girls so it is not just more attn to her. Unfortunately, as we know even in the adult world, some people just feel better by putting someone else down. This is the talk we had last night. If the bullying seems to be really getting out of hand and getting worse, I would speak to the counselor or social worker at school so they are aware. But also empower your daughter so she can keep herself above the others. I always tell my kids that it is what they think of themselves that is most important. There will always be someone that thinks they are not good enough or do not try hard enough and others that will criticize just so they feel they are better.
And I do agree, bullies do not see them selves as bullies. They don't pay any attn to those talks at school.

friends that bully are not friends. talk to the teachers and counsellors of the school, find out what they can do to help. if they won't do anything consider a different school or homeschooling. not fitting in at school and having schoolmated ruin your self esteem is something that will make relationships hard for the rest of your daughters life

it sounds like madeline needs a lot of help and support in learning how to create boundaries and stand up for herself. i get how hard it is to watch mean kids being mean to your nice kid, but you can't change the world. you CAN empower your own kid.

take your anger and frustration and channel it into helping her. role-play, read books about it with her, enroll her in martial arts (not so she can beat anyone up, just to help her understand her own personal power), get her involved with different groups such as volunteer or sports or academic communities that have different and nicer dynamics, get counseling for her if she needs it (no shame if she does) and help her devise specific immediate tactics for dealing with the bullies while she works on building herself up. it's not an immediate process. it takes time.

it sounds as if you're looking for validation in confronting the other kids. it's not completely out of the question, it's just only going to be of limited help. she's right in assuming it could escalate matters, and it still comes back to you not being able to change outside dynamics.

empower your child.
khairete
S.

I agree that saying she needs to stick up for herself is way easier said than done. If you have a quiet, mild-mannered kid, she isn't going to just start being loud and assertive, especially under these circumstances. I read a book called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends (can't remember the author's name, but it was on Amazon), it's about lots of areas of raising tween girls, but there was two (maybe three) chapters all about bullying, and it laid out a plan of action to handle these situations, without requiring your daughter to be someone she's not and doesn't ask you to interfere when your child doesn't want you to. But don't let this continue, it won't get better. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.