Stupid 5Th Graders! and You Were Right.

Well...I would go talk to the parents. I would also have no problem to tell the school that if the harrassment doesn't stop IMMEDIATELY, meaning one more cat call, one more bully statement, that you are involving the police. Have NO restraints about calling the police. YOU need to protect her. The military base should be doing more though. My dad was Navy and I grew up on bases...this mess was never tolerated and the parents paid the price for their kids bad behavior.

It's not just bullying that the boys are engaging in but sexual harassment. Your daughter deserves to feel safe in school and walking home, so I really hope that the school takes this seriously.

Your daughter needs to learn to keep herself calm when the boys do this sort of thing, or at least remain calm on the outside. Teach her to breath through her nose and concentrate on that to remain calm. No reaction is the best reaction. Then when she gets her first chance she can report their behavior, and they won't be able to say that she retaliated in order to try to get her trouble in return.

They're doing this simply to get a reaction out of her. Maybe some of them like her, maybe some of them think her reactions are funny, maybe some of them are just mean, maybe for one or two of them it's a grudge. But it's all for the reaction. If it weren't your daughter, it would be another child and it WILL be another child. They'll get bored if she doesn't react.

When my daughter was getting bullied (but not sexually harassed) she figured out that all she had to do was look at them scathingly and then roll her eyes. If it happened during a class or in front of her friends at recess, she gained enough confidence to say, "Did you really just say that out loud?" and then walked away. She sticks up for the kids who are bullied now. I'm really proud of her.

EDIT: What happened with your daughter happened to me as a child too.. ie. being sexually harassed. Luckily my school took it seriously and my mom did teach me some steps to take control. I was bullied by a particular girl from kindergarten through high school and a couple other girls from middle school through part of high school. It's so much worse with girls because they get so mean and emotionally and verbally abusive. At least boys are upfront and just plain old obnoxious. Girls are more subtle.

I would go to the other military member's home and have a talk with them. That behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.

While it's true that we cannot control other people, only ourselves. This is not about control - this is about integrity, manners and civility.

If the other parents don't believe it - video tape it - record it - put a recorder in your daughters back pack and have her turn it on when he starts talking - that will be proof enough for the parents.

As to the school? ANYONE on patrol MUST be a good citizen. A boy was caught teasing a girl and he was yanked from duty. The patrols are supposed to be responsible and trustworthy students...

Good luck.

The thing is.... she is being bullied, and by a gang... of boys.

Even if you empower her... she will be and can still be, bullied.
Some of the most confident and outspoken children... get bullied or get retaliation against them.

But yes, it is wrong and kids need to be guided on how to handle it... along with, how to go to the Teacher and school themselves, to REPORT misconduct.

My daughter, was bullied in Preschool and in 1st grade.
And these bullies that bullied her.... are still in school and bullying.
But so, ever since Preschool and Kinder and 1st grade... my daughter got talked to, about bullying already. AND she has seen ME... stand up to other people and report these incidents too and document it.
There is no ONE thing to tell a child... because, at least for me, I talk to my daughter, in a way that I know will reach her. I tell her the common sense things... ie: ignore them, tell the teacher, you are not wrong, speak up, etc.
And last year or so, ABC tv had a show on bullying. And we watched it together. It was really blunt. Kids bully other kids even online... a bunch of kids had made a website, SOLELY to bully another kid and talk awful about her. She was.... a kid that had spoken out to them and defended her friend from being bullied from them. Now, she herself, was a victim. On the website, they even said things like "she should die....", "Everyone hates you..." etc. And another child in middle school, was BEAT up, right outside her own home. And she ended up in the hospital. 2 other girls, went to her home, followed her, and beat her up. Right in the middle of day.

It is very disturbing what is happening to your daughter.
You need to DOCUMENT everything. AND video or tape them, TOO.
AND follow up with the school and MAKE SURE they are doing something about it.
Because, it can get out of hand, very quickly.

Keep in mind, teach your daughter about life... but keep in mind as well, that even strong confident kids.... get bullied.
You tell your daughter, they are BULLIES. That is what BULLIES do... and it is being done as a gang. Of boys. Which... this is very disturbing.
This is what hate looks like and feels like.
You teach her how to choose friends and how to stick together.... and back each other up.
Does your daughter... have friends???? Her girl, friends???
I also, would not want her walking home, by herself... anymore. She is being... followed and harassed, in a very alarming manner.
The way the boys are harassing her... and bullying her... is very very disturbing.

*As an aside: Not that this is a cure for anything, but my daughter takes Karate. She wanted to.
She loves it. It also, builds the character and confidence of a child and their ability to defend themselves. Over the course of their training.

Allow your daughter to call the police and make a complaint. An officer on a parent's doorstep alledging harrassment and sexual harrassment charges is often enough to stop the problem.

You Go, Momma!

I didn't read your earlier post, and I know that any one of us moms would do our best to stick up for and take care of our children, especially when it comes to bullying. But I must say, I think you did an excellent job, so I am encouraging You! And singing your praises this morning.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your daughter, I would just say to keep it up. The only thing about telling her that there will always be people like this is that I wouldn't want to frighten her or make her gloomy about the world. I don't know if you are believers, but you could pray with her for her and him. She really needs to know and feel that there is nothing wrong with her, it is obviously this boy who has issues. It's a shame, because he could actually turn out to be a wonderful and caring man. I agree, stupid 5th graders.

Also, I am sure that the mom of this boy would be horrified, so when you go to speak to her one on one, do not attack. I'm afraid the hostility would make her either shut down, or fight back. If you go in with a concerned attitude, not judgmental, I have a feeling she will be much more responsive.

Best of Luck,
KATIE

L., I just wanted to be in touch and say I'm sorry that this is added to the mix for your daughter. I had replied to the earlier e-mails and was so happy to hear that the teacher had been so great, and now -- this. As others have said, this is not just bullyiing but sexual harassment.

You are right to have your older son there with her for a time, but eventually he won't be able to do that daily. The assistant principal said she'd handle it, but how? I am curious exactly what steps she plans to take, and I would advise you to ask her for the specific steps -- which ought to include her talking in person to the parents of the one boy who is so badly harassing and following her (and not just her sending them a note or e-mail). She also ought to talk to whatever teacher is in charge of the student patrols; usually there is a teacher "sponsor" or "advisor" for patrols, and that person also should talk directly to the boy and/or the parents.

Follow up; ensure that these talks actually do take place, and take place in a certain time frame, so that the principal and patrol advisor can't let weeks pass by saying "Oh, we haven't been able to reach those parents yet...." It sounds like the school is being responsive but I would definitely ensure they know you will keep tabs on them until you know the parents have been spoken with and the boy put on notice.

Frankly I'd like to see the boy given a one-day suspension for this with notice he will serve a much longer one if he does it again. This behavior does not seem like normal teasing, bullying or harassment; it seems to have stalkerish, sexual overtones (becaues of the the "she likes lots of boys" origins of it) and that is worrisome.

As for your daughter, you already know the drill: She has to learn not to react because any reaction, whether it's anger or tears or anything in between, fuels this fire.These kids need to tire of it, which is hard on her. Of course the other alternative is that the one kid who is following her might get a real shock if she turns on him and screams down the neighborhood (not at school) that "This kid is following me and harassing me and I want someone to call the police RIGHT NOW!" I hesitate to advocate that, not knowing how he might react; some bullies back down instantly when confronted, especially by someone they think is weak and won't talk back, but others could get worse. And as others noted - if you have to tell the school and the boy's parents that you will call the cops next time he follows and catcalls at her, do so. Then really do call them if it happens. You and your daughter will not be popular for that, but it might finally put some fear into the whole pack of boys.

Be aware of one thiing: If he loses his patrol spot because of this he may make your daughter's life even worse for a while and you need to warn her, if that happens, to hold up her head and not put up with any, um, junk over that. He deserves to lose his spot and if that happens it may convince other boys to stop.

Have you also talked with her classroom teacher and let her know all that is going on, that you have talked with the principal, etc.? I think her added support just being attentive to your daughter right now could be helpful, even though she can do nothing about the stalker-boy. If the other boys who are bullying your child are in the same class, though, I would expect the teacher to help deal with them, at a minimum by talking to the entire class (with the school counselor there) about gossip and bullying. (If that happens, your daughter should NOT be made the example! It would be horrid if it came out as "We're all here to talk about Sally and these boys..." Any good counselor and teacher should know better but ensure they know not to make a class counseling lesson about one incident or one child!)

Please keep us posted.

Boys can be mean, especially at this age. They tormented me when I was in 4th and 5th grade. i really wished that some of my girl friends would have stuck by me. If she has a lot of girl friends, encourage them to stick with her to form a strong front. Unfortunately, if they get the attention from her and know it bothers her, they will keep it up. Bullies like that usually stop when they realize that they are not getting that power from their victims, then they move on to other victims. This isn't the same situation, but my son drives my daughter nuts, teasing her to get a reaction (good practice for when she does encounter this later on). I try to teach her to either ignore him or say something like, "whatever!" (kind of the old sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me of the old days). Some of the American Girl books deal with this kind of thing and self esteem. I would encourage you to read them with her. Also, the school guidance counselor should be helping to resolve this issue.

Hi, L.:

This bullying situation needs to be addressed with all parties involved.
Inform the principal that you need to have a restorative conference so
everyone involved is held accountable.
Contact: www.IIRP.edu to obtain and facilitator or your local mediation center. This is a greater problem than anyone realizes. If the students get by with this, the school is in for a bigger problem.
Good luck
D.

L.,

I'm so sorry your daughter is having to deal with this. It just breaks my heart. Poor lamb. Jessica's suggestion of the eyeroll could do wonders. Really, your girl just needs to remember what a joke this kid is. Not he's telling a joke, he IS a joke. A sorry, sad joke. Tell her to think, "How pathetic" and walk away. She could even practice it with you. Acting out her reaction a few times would help.

Please let us know how this turns out. The kid should really be taken off the safety patrol for certain. I dread this happening to my kids and hope I can equip them with the tools to empower them as well. The best of luck with this, L.. Give your sweetheart a squeeze from me.

Wild boars, the lot of em.

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give you, but I think lots of folks brought up some good ideas here already. Talking to the parents is a good place to start, but don't expect help or cooperation. We know that WE would be horrified to hear our child is behaving in such way, but you will be amazed at how many parents are not willing to address bad behavior in their own children.

Also, involving the police seems reasonable to me. I'd be willing to do it in the same situation. Fifth-grade bullies need to be scared straight so that they don't become adult bullies.

Good luck!

Ughh...I hate this stuff so much.

I was bullied a lot in high school - I was a mean girl that ran with another group of mean girls (all insecure in hindsight) and we always picked one girl to "exclude" - and senior year it was me. Man did that hurt. I swore one day if I had a daughter (and son for that matter) I would teach them to stand up for themselves and realize those kids are NOTHING BUT SHEEP. They follow the herd mindlessly - and if she (your daughter) is reacting to their taunts - she is totally feeding into it. So frustrating.

My advice would be to tell the boy off (once and for all) and then ignore, ignore, ignore. Get involved with her girl friends, find someone to walk home with her to help stop the teasing - and if that doesn't work - well I don't know.

The only thing that stopped my bullying was finding new friends and staying away from the mean girls. It was hard - cause they had a lot of fun tormenting me and it totally brought them all together but eventually it worked - they grew tired of baiting me and watching me walk away.

So sorry for your little one - I hope this day never comes for my kiddos - but they will be armed to realize that they have the power to NOT allow those little assh*les to ruin their day/week/month.

Good luck.

I got harassed by boys in middle school and remember the horrible feeling well! I went to the principal, told him what was going on, he hauled the boys in and told them they'd be suspended if they continued (and I was to tell him if they did). The boys need an authority figure to step in and give them a SERIOUS consequence if they harass/bully your daughter further. As for your daughter, does she have any good girlfriends at school? She should ask them to accompany her as she walks through the halls at school, at lunch, and to walk home with her (if they can't, maybe a trusted family friend or relative) so if the boys start harassing her she'll have someone on her side to say "Leave her alone, what you're doing is inappropriate!" Hopefully just having someone there with her will be enough to deter these boys. The most important thing is that she feel supported and protected, it's also important that these boys learn how to respectfully treat girls and what's good vs. bad behavior.
Best of luck!
L.

Just a quick thought, could you give her a digital voice recorder for her pocket or a small Flip video camera she could discreetly hold to record the boys so she can get the proof needed to get these boys in trouble, You may need to tell the teacher you are giving it to her so the teacher doesn't take it away.

Also the fact that you are telling her this is not okay and teaching her not to accept it is a very important life lesson.