Very Strong Willed 3 Year Old Boy

Yes, determine what is most valuable to him. What are his favoriet activities or toys. Start taking things away (put favorite toy(s) in a box where he can't find them). Even treats can be taken away for misbehaving. See how it works. You have to be consistent. Have community buy-in from family and sitters. Everyone has to be doing the same thing with this child for him to get it (it's called consequences).

I had a daughter who needed something other than the methods you mentioned and found a way with her that helped us a lot. It came in the book "How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk." You might see if it's helpful to you.

good luck,
S.

I think that 3 is a very difficult age. Whoever said "Terrible Twos" was so wrong! It should be "Terrible Threes! At that age, they are learning independence & how to control different situations. My son went through the same thing. Nothing that we tried worked. We kept on being consistent with the "time-outs" and eventually he took us seriously after awhile. He is almost 4 now, and he is not acting like that anymore. I think it was just a phase that he was going through. Be consistent and patient! This time will pass!

wow, this sounds just like what I've gone through with both my boys! I don't know if it will work for you, but it has been slowly but surely working for us. The boys do actually listen now.

My husband actually developed this game and it works for both of us. When they start into a fit, physically set them down on the floor or ground on their bottom. Tell them to stand up. Help them if they don't right away. Tell them to sit down. Tell them to stand up. Keep going until they start to change their mood and applaud them with lots of praise each time they obey. As they get good at doing this each time it is necessary begin to add things like go get that toy. Now put it on the shelf. Now pick it up and bring it over here. Sit down. Smile.....etc. Make it fun and repetitive. Sit. Stand. Sit. Stand.

It sounds stupid and weird, but believe it or not, it has worked so well. We can now actually halt tantrums with our boys (one is 5 the other is just now 3) in an instant and quietly in the store even, with this game. The key is just standing there holding them still long enough to get their attention to play the game. Also, don't say its a game just say something like, "let's see if you can hear what I'm saying" or for the younger (age 2, etc) "can you hear me?" "sit down, now stand up, now pick your nose". Seriously, it works for us. Hope it works for you too. Good luck and take lots of long deep breaths. :) We understand how that feels! :) S.

Mother of 2 boys and 2 girls. (girls are so much easier, but boys are so entertaining)

I read the book "how to make you child mind without losing yours". This was a great book. It talks about reality discipline. For example, if your child doesn't want to eat dinner then you throw the food down the disposal and the child can go to bed hungry. Maybe next time he will eat what is served. It works on the priciple that reward and punishment do not work. We use praise and make every thing have a real world consequence. I ask my daughter to put on her shoes and if she doesn't then she can walk to the car in her socks. If she doesn't remove her clothes before bath time then she gets put in the tub with her clothes on. Her actions have a consequence. It may seem harsh but my daughter is better behaved. She knows that I will not let her get away with it. It is your job to guide your child to make the correct choice. I hope that helps.

Strict nap times and strict play times with you. Create fun activities to engage him and keep him thinking. Give his lots of outside exercise. Limit tv to almost nothing. Be firm in what you say to him, don't give in no matter how weak you feel. His bad habits will only be harder to break as he gets older.
Keep your temper, Show him control by demonstrating this to him.

D.,

I am a mother, a grandmother, a teacher, and a writer of parenting columns.

I am guessing, but I assume you are trying to get your child to pick up toys, come to meals, get his coat, brush his teeth, and other similar everyday tasks. I also think he is tuning you out to keep your attention on him. Parental attention, in any form, is a powerful motivator, far more powerful than stickers or candy.

To be effective, you have to stop all forms of nagging, reminding, and second chances. And, any discipline needs to include withholding your attention. To begin this, I suggest that you cuddle on the couch and read a book to your child. When the book is finished, with your arm around him, you say, “John, there has been a problem. When I tell you to do something, you don’t do it. In our family, when I ask you to do something you need to do it. Do you understand? Okay, we are going to practice that now. Then you can go play.” Then you tell him to pick up a specific toy and put it away. Tell him once. My bet is that he will do it because you are paying attention to him. Give him a big hug and a thank you. Tell him that is the way things work in this family. Don’t gush! If he doesn’t do it, don’t let him play. Bring him back to the couch and say, “You can play when you are finished.” Have a book to read or some picking up to do so you are not paying attention to him, but you are supervising him. When he finally does what you ask, give him a hug and thank him. Tell him he can go play now.

Do more practices over the next few days. Always do them when you are feeling cozy and can spend some time with him before the request. Give no reminders and keep the thank you calm and simple.

If he does not do what you tell him, take him to the couch and say, “You need to do what I told you.” By withholding your attention, he is given the responsibility to do what is necessary to get that attention. Keep your directions simple and meaningful.

After a few days, begin to tell him how helpful he is. When you thank him, say, “Thank you for doing that right when I told you.” Tell other people that he has learned how to do what he is told. And, remember, if your child is not getting quality attention from you on a regular basis, he will find other ways to keep your attention on him.

Good luck,

D.

Hi, I am a SAHM of three children, the oldest being 5 years. A few things I have learned through the years is that children are not DUMB! They are very bright and very observant and they will do what it takes to get your attention, positive or negative! My husband and I just recently adopted a method that a friend of mine of 7 kids does. Basically it goes; you tell them once in a gentle toned voice and that is it. If they do not respond then they get disciplined/trained(usually a spanking, they seem to work best for our family). After you have disciplined or trained , as I like to call it(you are training them to listen to your voice and respond) then you get down to there level and explain to them why they were disciplined and reassure them that it is because you love them and it is in their best interest that you are training them. Touch and praise is key as well, give lots of hugs, hold their hands, kiss their foreheads as often as you can! And most of all, keep your heart and attitude right! Never discipline out of anger, if you must, send the child to there room and calm down, pray, then go to your child gently.

Like I said earlier, kids are not dumb! If you are inconstant, they will run with it. If you are yelling and negative all the time, you will reap a rebellious child. If you are unfair in your love with another child at home, it will cause jealousy and the child with act out. Also, if they are whinny or constantly fighting with siblings, it is straight to bed for a nap or rest time. Again consistency is key, he is no longer a strong willed child but you are a strong willed (yet gentle and loving) mother! Hope that helps!

You will love this resource:

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Enjoy,

K. :)

There is a great book that I love called "How to raise a Spirited Child" it helps us give our strong willed children new labels and helps with ways to understand them better it has really helps me with my daughter. :)You might want to check it out.

I had the same issue with my daughter (now alost 9) and finally figured out that when I pull her into my lap, hold her and talk calmly to her, she listens. Another thing that worked for me, when in public, is to turn her to face me, take her hands in mine (the contact causes them to pay more attention), get down on her eye level and talk softly, that way she has to strain to hear me, which means she is indeed listening.

Maybe choose your battles, ease up, go with the flow and ignore unwanted behavior? worth a try I spose.

I have a three year old boy as well. Try toy time out. That seems to really get through to our son. We worn him that we will put the toy out in the garage (for how ever long you decide). He doesn't like to lose his toy(s) for the day. We do time out at our house but it is mainly for me to get a breather. :) GOOD LUCK! J. G.

My son is 4, almost 5. I deal with a lot of behavioral issues. I've learned that consistency and discipline is the key. Also, don't forget to KEEP CALM. This is a very hard thing to do. I am one who tends to get caught up in the action. I used to raise my voice all the time. I tried spanking, yelling,...etc. I had to try and redirect myself. I learned that if I'm upset, he gets upset.
We have a method here called "Three Strikes Your Out." The first time I point out what no-no my son is doing and explain to him why he shouldn't be doing that thing and what it does to people/things. It's hard, but try to make it simple and word it so that they have to think about why they shouldn't do whatever they are doing. Second time, I point out what he's not supposed to do and what punishment is going to follow if he continues. Third time, I don't even sit and explain or allow myself to get angry. I get up or stop whatever I am doing and I walk over to him and place him in time out. I make time out a minute for each year he is...BUT if he's throwing a tantrum, he stays in there for the duration of the tantrum. Let him know that if he keeps throwing the tantrum, he'll be there longer. Also, IGNORE him when he's in time out. The more you tell him stop kicking, punching the wall, headbutting...anything, the more he'll do it. Children will do anything, even if they aren't supposed to, just so they can get your attention. I make sure to talk WITH my son, not TO him after he's finished with his time out session. I ask him if he did something because he was angry/sad. Helps him understand feelings.
We also have a Tomorrow Basket here. If he threw a toy or doesn't pick up a toy/book that you asked him to, you place it into the Tomorrow Basket. I started that with my son when he was 3. Start giving him small chores, or as I call them "responsibilities" around the house. I know it seems young, but I did this with my son and it seemed to help. It could be something simple as putting away the plastic dishes you have after they're finished washing. My son takes out all the itty bitty garbages around the house, makes his own bed, and picks up his room. He now loves to help out. Makes them feel important.
Just remember, consistency and discipline. I'm STILL learning this, as my son isn't much older than yours. I'm not sure if any of this helped, but it has me. I've just learned to redirect myself and no so much my son all the time. I had to learn that yes...he is learning and is smart, but he's also only 4. I also had to sit back and realize that I'm his mother and that I can't allow him to make me angry or upset. It's my job to stay cool and do what I can to make things just a bit better. Doesn't always work, but if I keep in mind...it's me or him...I would rather choose to cool my jets and work WITH him on cooling his...it helps. Good luck! ~B. :D

You have to figure out what his currency is (what is the most important to him). No discipline is one size fits all. It could be time alone in an empty room, it could be a time out (try using a spare car seat if you can't keep him seated). He may also just be begging for attention if you are busy doing something else. My toddler only gets bad if I am trying to make dinner or spend time with his sister, or otherwise ignoring him. If your boy improves while you are playing with him, then that is most likely the issue and you'll have to find how to balance his needs.

try reading and trying out 123 Magic book Worked wonders in our house. Try natural consequences- take away stuff they value. Follow through and be consistent. Remember, a 3 year old who tests and has tantrums is doing everything they should. They are asserting their independence and starting to make decisions. Unless it is a health and safety issue, let him feel his power. Leave situations where he can't follow the rule if dangerous and a discussion and warning haven't worked.

Lay down with him and talk to him for a short while and let him know that you are getting up and he can too after his nap, and if he is good and listens you will lay down with him his next nap time.

Hi D.,

I am the mother of an almost seven year old and I didn't really have an effective parenting strategy until he was five years old and it had gotten really hard. I have a few wonderful books that I would love for you to read and would be happy to talk with you about. I just know that the longer that you wait to gain that fellowship and to have your childs heart the harder it gets. Believe me I know first hand. I am untangling alot with my son. It starts with fellowship and tying strings. Let me know if you are interested.

M.

If you can find some reading time, there are a few books out there that I would recommend:
Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie.
Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka.
Good luck....I'm in a very similiar place!

Be strong, be consistent with intensity of punishment for same level crimes and don't back down. If you need a break, stop and get away make sure he is in a designated spot, then go back and deal with the issue. When he is doing well, it is good to give him something that he feels he can assert control over. You make the decisions, but make sure he feels like he also has some say and control over his little environment. Giving him small tasks that he can execute on his own is a huge esteem builder and he thinks he really is getting things done. Let him have the choice.

When he does do wrong, let him know what he did. Why he needs to be punished. That you love him, and want to see him do better next time. Then do what you feel fits the crime. Let him calm down, but don't allow him to get out of control. He needs to learn how to control his emotions even if he does not like it when you are correcting him. Then, ask him to tell you what he did wrong. If he wants to do the right thing now, and then let him show you by giving him a few easy and short commands before he is allowed to go back to what he was doing. Pointing to different areas of the floor and telling him to stand still. Or pick up a toy and bring it to you, etc. If he misbehaves again, he still needs to be corrected so back into a private space for more punishment until he knows and sees you are serious about this, and you are consistently requiring him to behavior and act a certain way, anything apart from that gets a consequence.

D.,

When your son is an adult, you will be very glad that he is not easily manipulated by others. In the meantime, remain calm, remember who is the parent, and who is the child, and think of your discipline and limit-setting as the blanket you swaddled him in when he was a newborn. It helped him to feel secure and reassured him that you would keep him safe in this big, scary world.

At three years old he is discovering that he is a separate entity from the world around him and that he is able to have an effect on his environment. He needs you to show him where the boundaries are, and what the natural consequences of going beyond them are.

Consult the parenting books to help you determine appropriate boundaries for your son and your family, but NEVER leave him without the security of the "swaddling blanket" that is your responsibility to provide.

D. T

My son is 2 1/2 and showing some of the same signs. He will put himself in the corner instead of doing what he is told. I have started reading- The New Strong Willed Child - by James Dobson. If anyting it is helpful in showing you that you are not alone and that you are not a bad parent. I have not finished it yet, but it has made me determined to show my son that I am the parent and he is not in charge.
G. R

One important thing to remember, if you are yelling at him, he can't hear you.
Take a deep breath, and say, this is a differnt chld from my first, so what worked with the first one needs to be thrown out the window and start over again.
When he is out of control, hold him by both his upper arms, bending down so you are eye to eye, them speak to him, if he is looking everywhere except into your eyes, keep getting his attention til he looks into your eyes and understands , listens and hears what you are saying.
Then when you take something away, he will understand, but you being mad and showing anger is not helping only makeing it worse, he then is reacting off of you.
Standing my son in the corner does not work, he will be 5 in May. We have him stand and hold his arms in the air, up to the ceiling. This is much harder then being in a corner, but make sure the TV is off and other kids are out of the room so this does not trun into a game. after a few mins, he will want to put his arms down, they get tired, but make him wait a few. Always remember 5 mis to a chils seems like an hour.

Good Luck

These little guys minds are like a mouse running on that wheel, going so fast, that they don't know which way to stop.
If a doctor, pre school teacher or anyone else says your son is overactive and he should be on meds. tell them to take a flying leap. If a child is hyperactive, meds. should be the very last resourse. FIrst work on his diet. Is he eating alot of foods with refined sugar ? what about alot of those juice drinks? And juice itself should be cut in half with additional water as the juice companys are now competing with the other drink companies that they are now adding more sugar.
When my daughter first started school they said she was hyperactive and the doctor put her on retalin, she got sad, depressed and cried, I took some and it kept me awake for 3 days, this was back in 1977 So I refused to give the meds to her again instead I let her drink coffee and she was never classified as be hyperactive again.

This reminds me of a saying about if you focus on the problem, you will not get rid of the problem. What I'm getting at is maybe you should forget about "discipline" for just a short time, and spend time connecting. Just some smatterings of time, like 10 minutes every hour, or an hour or two chunk of time where you just try to get into his world, what he loves, and do that with him or make his favorite food and eat it with him and love on him like crazy. Then go back to the discipline methods and he may be more receptive to them because he feels overflowing with love and connection to you.

32 years ago the Lord blessed me with a strong willed son who was my first child. A tender daughter came 3 years later. I was a single mother from about the time my son was 5 years old and I know exactly what you are dealing with. I also tried spankings, redirecting, and more but what I found the most effective was making him stand in a corner, facing the wall while I stood tight against him. Just make sure that the amount of time he spends in the corner is age appropriate (3 years=3 minutes). I hardly ever took my children out for dinner and only to friends who knew me well. Having a strong willed child is really a tough road to travel but just be very strong and consistent, which these kids really need. I also used to read the book, "The Strong Willed Child". I hope you have either a husband or a man in your life that can help you with him, when he grows older. After my divorce, I used a "big brother" who happened to attend our church and he was wonderful. One last thing, be sure to praise him whenever he demonstrates good behavior, which in the past, he didn't and then talk about it. Sorry so long but so much to tell, haha. Email me if you would like for more information or support. God Bless You D., B.

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...

Hi D.,

I have a very strong willed 4 year old boy. I was at a point where I didn't know what to do and what I was doing was inconsistant and not working. I just recently bought the book above "Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child by Robert McKinzie. Hopefully this link works for you, just copy and paste in the address and it should take you right to the amazon page for this amazing book. It was only 10 dollars and you can preview some pages before you buy it. This book explains how to teach, talk and displine children in a logical way as well as the differences between strong willed children and compliant children which in the case of the writer he had both. It gives simple instructions and it only took me a few days to read through. I can already see a difference in behavior, I definately recommend this book to anyone with a child strong willed or not.

I know how you feel! My son was also a second child and he too was (and still is) strong willed. It is extremely important to set boundries while he is young, or you will have one heck of a battle ahead of you.
One thing that I found that worked well for my son (and still does and he is 10) is give him a five to ten minute warning that he needs to stop what he is doing to move to another task. For example "you have 10 minutes left of play time, then it is time for you to take a bath". Try to give him some choices during the day too. At this age it is common for them to want to be in charge and havea say so in what is going on.
The other responses have good ideas too, books are always a good place to go for advice and ideas! Whatever medthod you choose, it is extremely important to be consistant and follow through!!!!!

Pray :). Really. Our almost 5 year old has been - for the lack of a more PC / parent friendly term - horrible since he was 2. He doesn't listen, is mean to his siblings, talks back to anyone, does what he wants, and throws a major fit if anyone disciplines him in ANY way.

Reading some of the other responses... they are great, and on our other children would work very well, but with P would send him over the edge. Like refusing to eat, throwing down the disposal (works well for kids that can reason and control thier impulses). Doing this would cause anything near him to be thrown or someone next to him hurt. I don't say this to offend anyone, so please don't let it - it's just that there are different types of 'stubborn' - I'm sad to say I've learned this over the last 3 years. It's not been pretty.

Probably the best book I've come to find is the Explosive Child (keep in mind I don't agree with all of it, or perhaps even most of it - but you'll probably relate well with the other parent's stories).

I have no advice but a big ****HUG****! Hang in there - they aren't little forever and there is a reason God made super fun, spoil the kid like crazy babysitters!

~M.

Kneel down so you are at eye level and tell him in a soft quiet voice that yu nee him to behave and do what you say. I have a friend who is a young mohter of 6 kids the youngest is almost 5 monthe old and her 3 redhead daughter has a habit of yelling at the teop of her lungs. I tried the above and it worked only i told her that her yelling hurt my ears and I counld not understand what she said, and if she wanted me tp listen to her she had to lsay it in soft qiet voice andit works most of the time sometimes she forgets and I just remind about her soft quite voice and how much easier it is to be heard. Hope this helps

I have two children as well. One thing that I have found that works is giving two choices to my son, both of which I am OK with. Then he fells like he is getting some of the control he craves and I still get him doing something that is appropriate. For example, I pick out two outfits for him in the AM and he picks the one he wants to wear. I also set the timer for 5 minutes, if he is not dressed and ready to go, he goes in his PJ's. That only took one time, he always gets dressed for going to child care now. By setting the timer you are taking the fight out of it. The timer goes off, not you!

Also consistency works best. It sounds like you have tried lots of discipline techniques, which is understandable! I suggest picking the one you like best and do it ALL the time and don't switch when it is not working right away, some time it takes time for him to see that you mean it and you are sticking to it. This is the hard part, but if you do stick to it and ALWAYS do what you say you are going to he will learn to trust your words. One day my daughter would not get ready for her Ballet class, which she loves. I warned her if she did not come to get dressed, we would not be going to class. She moved supper slow just to show me she was in control, so I calmly told her behavior was showing me that she did not want to go to class, so we did not go. Boy she was mad, but that was her natural consequence. It is hard to miss a class when you pay all that money, but it teaches an important lesson. She gets ready really fast now.

Last bit, I would skip the spanking. It teaches children it is OK to hit. I know how tempting it can be, but really it backfires when they are teenagers!

I wish you all the best!

Sometimes, in some situations the best that you can do is to completely ignore him all together, or the behavior. It sounds as if he is trying to push your buttons and show you that he doesn't care. Try taking away some of his favorite toys and putting them in time-out. For example, if you find that he's throwing his toys around and hitting people with them, take the toys away.
I have found with my boys either taking away priveledges, or adding more chores, yes, even at that age, will sometimes work. Be sure when you are talking with him that you are on his level, perhaps put him on the counter, and you sit down on the floor so that he is looking down at you. For some reason, that really seems to help as well, they tend to feel less intimidated by what we are saying and feel like they are starting to have a bit of control where you want them too.
Finally, when he is in time-out, are you talking with him? The one thing that I see when parents are putting their child in time out, is that they are still talking with the child, still causing the child to be more agitated. Don't speak with them at all.
The last peice advice I have, check out the 1-2-3 Magic... and it's worked, like it says, Magic.

My almost 5 year old boy was just like that from 18 months to almost 3 1/2. I just kept at it and didn't give up and now he is a great 4 year old. There were three things that seemed to work for him: 1) I had a "tomorrow shelf" (our fire place mantle) where I would put things if he was not behaving. For instance, I would say to him "if you do not stop hitting your brother I will take "X" (whatever he was playing with at the time) and put it on the tomorrow shelf" He could see his beloved toy which was torture for him. I only had to use the tomorrow shelf a few times because he knew I meant business. 2) I would send him to his room to sit on his bed. He did not like being isolated. I still use this one on occasion (like yesterday when he kept calling his brother "fart"). 3) I would give him a choice: "You can choose to put your coat on and go outside to play or you can choose to not put your coat on and then you have to stay inside." I would say he made the right choice about 75% of the time. If he made a bad choice I would tell him I felt sorry for him that he made a bad choice and maybe tomorrow he would make a better one and then I would walk away from him. He is really a kid who likes to be in contol of his own life and this one worked great once he could understand what I was saying.
Like I said these things did not work overnight and I had to keep at it and I thought I would lose my mind at times. But it seems to have worked. I wish you luck.

I am having the same problem. I am so glad to hear that it's not just my son. We are in the same boat as you, my mother in law gave me a book by Dr. Dobson called The strong willed child. I've started reading it and so far I haven't found anything we haven't already done. I have found that if I take away toys (favorites) for a full day usually the next day he is really good then it gradually goes back to not listening. Just keep on telling him that you love him and don't want him to get hurt and that is why he needs to listen. I hope it gets better for the both of us.

D.,

I can relate 100% to what you are saying. My second son has been challenging, strong willed and I have struggled to get him to comply with discipline. It is very hard! I am learning that continued consistency is the key! If a time out in a chair doesn't work then have a back up consequence, like placing him in his room or other place like the bathroom or just somewhere that he wouldn't like.

Take away toys if these are important to him. Spend time playing with him or being at his level. These are a few things I am working on.

We recently turned to counseling with my son. He is a sweet boy, quiet, shy around others but at home he is aggressive towards his older brother and towards the dog. For being 3 is very in touch with his feelings. Reasoning with him doesn't work and taking toys away from his room makes no difference.

If books aren't helpful to you then I would recommend talking to your pediatrician and seeing if they would recommend counseling. I am a quiet person myself and feel very challenged by my 3 year old's behavior especially since I have a 5 year old son is easy going and compliant.

Best of luck to you.
M.

We have found the book Parenting with Love and Logic to be a very helpful guide with our 3 year old. Also unplugging from Power Struggles has been good too. I know just how frustrating it can be though. So much work sometimes. Hang in there!

hi D.,
don't know if this book will help with a 3 year old, but I have tried some of the points in a book called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn on my 5 year old with great results! it's worth a look if you are at the end of your rope :)
good luck!