Advice for Dealing with Strong-willed Child

Out of 5 kids, 4 of mine were like this. A couple were worse than the others and I blame my hubby because I was quiet and compliant like my passive kid...LOL Anyway, you're doing a great job. Stay on top of discipline and win every battle. Explain things to her, discipline her when she disobeys etc. Don't cater to her extreme pickiness. Stay 100% consistent and matter of fact. It does get easier!! My kids are all older now and doing great (except my 17 month old who's having a meltdown at the moment because I put him down for a nap!) ;)

OH, I have a strong willed child. My best advise, PICK YOUR BATTLES!

My 16 yr old has always been VERY strong willed.

We never spanked. We used time out for her toys, her, re-directed, and rewarded good behavior.

Whatever you do, don't squash this personality feature. My daughter has thrived and I know a lot of it is from her strong willed nature. She puts a lot of pressure on herself to have everything just right, especially grades.

When she was about 7 she was interested in martial arts and we thought it was a fluke. She LOVED it and she is a black belt. She learned so much more than just self defense. She learned self discipline.... she has taught herself how to play the violin ( we also got private lessons) she is a champion cheerleader with her kicks, her grades in AP and Honors are awesome.

It takes a LOT of patience but you can guide her and she will be just fine when she gets older. Communicate with her a LOT and never stop being there for her. She does need you, and she loves you.

When we are talking about daughter's childhood, in her presence, we talk about everything she did, all the characters she played out, etc.

Ours went through the NO stage, Bossy stage, whiney stage, drama mamma, you name it.

Hang in there and know that all of us with strong willed children have gone through a lot of tears and patience but right now, we are seeing the benefit and I wouldn't change anything in the world.

Hi H.,

I WAS a child like that and my daughter was like that when she was younger... take heart - they do grow out of it a bit by the time they are 7 or 8 (but then the tween attitude kicks in *sigh*).

In my daughter's case it was a control issue - she wanted to be in control, so part of it is just expanding what she is able to have a say in. I found that the more involved I was with her the easier it was - let her do it herself... even cut her own sandwich with a plastic knife - or have her come over to the counter and ask her how she wants it and cut it right then, rather than just brining her the sandwich already cut (cuz how she wants it today is not how she will want it tomorrow and next week.... well, she's gonna want it a completely different way!!!!).

I also had to mirror her emotions a lot. "I see you are mad because the sandwich is cut in triangles. it's frustrating to not get what you want isn't it?" or "Oh my, I see the water got on your shirt. that's frustrating. what should we do". All you are doing is validating that it's ok for her to be frustrated about those things. I found if my daughter felt like we belittled what was important to her (even if it really truly was a silly issue) then she would get MORE upset than when I validated how she was feeling, even if I didn't agree.

I also taught my daughter "next time". So, for the sandwich incident if it wasn't how she wanted it this time, she could have it however she wanted "next time". If the slide wasn't free at the park today because bigger kids were playing there, well then we could do the slide "next time". She really took to that expression - seemed to make things not so "the world is ending" for her.

With the 'spirited' ones you REALLY have to pick your battles. For the teeth brushing / water spilling... teach her just to go hang up her shirt and put on a new one.

Hang in there mama!

Wow. This is my daughter. Especially the part about cutting the sandwich wrong or getting water droplets on her clothes (or any number of other seemingly minor events). Either can cause a total meltdown. It definitely sounds like you have a strong-willed (spirited) daughter.

You have a couple of book suggestions below, but I'm going to add some more.

The first and most important book is probably "The Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. If nothing else, you will gain an understanding of your child. Understanding her is the first step. The book will also give you suggestions on discipline techniques.

Second, (I'm reading it now) is called "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelson. This might be my life saver. It explains the difference between punishment (of which there are a couple examples in the other posts), permissiveness, and discipline. I find that my very sensitive daughter does not respond well to punishment (time-outs as punishment, spankings, etc.), but is doing much better with positive discipline techniques. Given that spirited kiddos are really (really!) good at yanking our chains, it can be pretty difficult to maintain our composure and correctly apply the positive discipline techniques. I will be practicing these for a long time.

Other possibilities are "Setting Limits for the Strong-Willed Child" and "The Explosive Child." My daughter has sensory issues in addition to being spirited, so the explosive child book was very helpful.

Obviously, we are not at the end of the wild ride. Frankly, the ride is unlikely to end soon. But, I want as many tools (and the most effective tools) at my disposal to help my daughter help herself to be successful. And, frankly, to calm things down in my house a bit.

Thank goodness spirited kids have so many interesting and compelling qualities (independent, enthusiastic, observant, sensitive, persistent, energetic, imaginative) to balance out their more challenging qualities.

Good luck!

Sounds like a future CEO and your retirement plan. Extra patience, she is extremely intelligent and likes her things certain way.

My daughter can be the same say. Two books that really helped me were "Disciplining Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie (because it helped me to understand that these kids are the way they are and like to test the boundaries constantly, so consistency and following through every time is really important - as well as stating ahead of time what your expectations are) and "1-2-3 Magic!" by Thomas Phelan (because it also helped simplify things and gave me another tool in my arsenal). Now that she's turned 4, I am starting to see a little bit of light at the end of the long dark tunnel that was the Terrible 3's. I really hope that all that strong-willed attitude will work to her benefit down the road!

My son is like this too. My first suggestion, is to pick your battles. Just make sure you win the the ones you pick. Second, control what you can easily control. For example, my son likes to "earn" extra minutes to stay up at night. So throughout the day, he can earn or lose these extra minutes based on his behavior, helping with chores ect..... Taking and adding minutes is easier than trying to "get him to do what I want". It works for us.... Good luck, kids like this are challenging. Try reading "The spirited child". It was a great help.

I suggest Dr. Kevin Lehman How to have a new kid by Friday. I did this study and he will be speaking in person in our area next month. My DD is a very spirited girl..Oh my. I think you need to take a step back and look at the big picture and pick your battles wisely. Also, be consistent. At her age its still best to use action and resulting consequence.

Well, when I read the first line I thought you were writing about my daughter but she's almost 5. She doesn't tell me "no" but the rest of your description fits her to a T.

My best advice is to be consistant and pick your battles. Don't engage her bad behavior but rather praise her good behavior. For the clothing, I started getting out a school weeks worth of outfits out at a time and she can then pick any one of those for that week. On the weekends, it's whatever she wants as long as it is weather/activity appropriate. I require that her hair get brushed and be tangle-free but outside that, it's up to her on any given day (unless there is something special). This has helped a lot.

My third, also a girl, is this way, in a BIG way. She' only two, but started the difficult behavior at 9 months (my older two never did anything defiant or angry before 18 months!) and has taken much more discipline. She is leaps and bounds ahead of where she was, now she's better than most typical two year olds, but for the amount of discipline it has been, I'm amazed how difficult she still is.

All I can say is, SOME kids are like this. You're doing great. The discipline you have been using has helped immensely and she would be off the charts terrible if you had not been firm. You'd be suspecting her of disorders by now. I come from a massive family, and some of the kids were this difficult. They all turned out great and happy by about 5 years old. Being firm for wrong behavior does not squash strength of character, it channels it. They still have extra spark and spirit in spades, but are very good.

My daughter has control of her impulses, she just has a lot more scary impulses and a huge temper! Sometimes when we hit a rough patch, I really firm up on the discipline, like give less warnings before acting when she tries tantrums. She never carries one out, because shes not allowed, but she still needs warnings and occasional discipline if she's let out the warning shriek a few too many times in a day. We had to outlaw and discipline "no" with her, because she used it as an intro to a melt down and constant defiance, so now she knows not to say it. Even if she does say, "no" she immediately knows she's on thin ice, you can see it click in her own mind as soon as she says it, and she won't launch into a fit from there.

I also really step up the positive attention and nurturing during these phases, because she is worse if she's bored and frustrated.. Giving lots of choices is fine, but avoid it as a way to avoid the confrontation when discipline is needed. Never back down, remain calm, and she will continue to learn. As much as I sometimes feel it's and endless battle, I am amazed how good she is now and lots of people compliment her knowing how difficult she has always been. When you stand back, it's just the typical spirited way, nothing more. I look forward to her strength going forward in life :)

This book has been great with all of my kids, even her Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. It was really rewarding recently to spend time with a friend exactly my daughter's age, only with a much nicer nature, for a few days. Her daughter is a typical undisciplined two, only gets time outs and uses them to tantrum, and my daughter behaves way better! She minds what I say, and at least she'll control a fit rather than launching into it, even though she still gets mad. My friend's daughter just goes with each fit as it comes along all day, so she's CONSTANTLY crying, whereas mine isn't. It hasn't been easy, but it's worth it to keep at it.
Good luck!

My daughter has been like this since day 1. She wants everything her way or no way. After going through 3 1/2 years of wanting to pull my hair out a friend suggested I start a marble jar. She gets marbles every time she does something right. I have started ignoring the bad behavior (as best as I can) and really rewarding the good behavior. I took her to Target and let her get a toy, I set it up on the top of the fridge and when her jar was filled up she got her prize. It worked. Her behavior started to get better and she wasn't so cranky all the time. She still has to have things her way and I have to still pick my battles but I really do notice a huge difference.

I suggest it's possible she has a sensory processing disorder based on your statement and description of how picky she is. I recommend asking her pediatrician about that possibility and/or ask for an evaluation by the school district. If she were less than two the program would be called Early Intervention. I don't know the name of the program for the older age but it's also funded by the federal government. They will test and provide services if needed.

My grandson, at 9, still has an extra set of clothes at school because he cannot stand for any part of his clothes to be wet. To be in a good mood he has to have more consistency and organization in his life than his sister needs, although they're both strong willed. His sister isn't bothered by sensory issues but he is.