I'll be headed to my high school reunion next weekend. It's been many years, and while I've been in touch with a few people for decades, and I've connected with a few more on Facebook over the last couple of years, I'll still be seeing a lot of people for the first time in 25-40 years. It's a "mega" reunion with people from other classes too, and some teachers who are still around.
One friend has said she isn't going because she "just can't face it". She went to her college reunion a few months back, and survived, but says she really can't endure questions that make her explain why she hasn't married or had children. She seems to have an active life and many accomplishments - performing in musical theater, for example, and finding joy in kayaking on her local lakes and streams. But she can't be convinced that these topics will carry her through the reunion.
So that got me thinking. What are the best questions you've asked or been asked? And what are the dreaded ones? Not that I think I can convince her to come - but I'm wondering what questions/topics you have faced that were great, which were uncomfortable, and what you wished someone had asked or said instead. "So, what have you been doing for 40 years?" doesn't seem quite appropriate! Happy to hear all your suggestions/stories/anecdotes.
I agree there will likely be some old stories - my husband isn't going for the very reason you mention, that he would be bored. Certainly asking people "what do you do for fun" is a great, open-ended question. I'm not sure my friend is being silly - I think people have been through all kinds of hurts and disappointments, and it doesn't hurt to be sensitive to that. And it does remind us all that we can be so focused on marriage and children that we assume everyone is on that path. It's funny how we women want to be seen as more than that - yet we fall right into comfortable (for us) patterns and banter in large groups or social situations. I think having some artful dodger answers would be helpful - do you have suggestions for something lighter and more upbeat than "that's too personal"? I hate to see her feel forced to bring (and pay for) a guy just to have an escort who will be as bored as my husband would be. I'm trying to use her situation to make myself a more sensitive and thoughtful person, so I appreciate your input!
A good question is something like "what do you do for fun these days?". That gives those who have kids the opportunity to talk about them if they want, but also the opportunity to take about other things.
Also, instead of "what do you do?" Which can be hard for some people, how about "So what do you do with your time?".
It's not so hard to make small talk that is inclusive if you think about ahead of time.
I went to my 10 year high school reunion over 10 years ago...didn't go to my 20th. Frankly, everyone seemed to spend most of their time telling stories from our high school days. My DH was bored silly. After we left, he made a point of asking what all of those folks were doing NOW. I couldn't even say since it had not come up in conversation. I think that your friend is building this up to be way worse than it would be. If she feels that uncomfortable, she should bring a good guy friend with her. That way, she could just introduce him as her "friend" and let folks wonder.
Well I'm not big on going to HS reunions I guess if I hadn't moved away I might go but really who cares? The people I care about from HS ... We stay in touch.
I think to a question like "why aren't you married". I'd say : I love my lifestyle or freedom, I never met someone who could keep up with me. Or turn it into a question: are you happy in your life / marriage ? It's pretty rude to ask someone that question and a big assumption that marriage / kids is what everyone desires and that just isn't true.
Your friend is being silly.
Guess she still has some growing up to do!
If she's living her life, keeping busy, enjoying herself, then why isn't she proud about that instead of feigning shame over not being married w children.
She's not tied down, she can do as she pleases with nary a by-your-leave - and marriage/kids isn't for everyone - some people try it and really suck at it.
It's not everyone's cup of tea!
AND - most importantly - if your friend doesn't like a question - who says she HAS to answer it?
She doesn't owe ANYONE any explanations!
Side stepping a question can sometimes be an art form - politicians are experts at it.
She can say "No, that's too personal" or answer a question with a question or out right lie (who at this reunion will know any difference?) and tell a tall tale or obfuscate an answer that sounds satisfying yet conveys little or no actual information.
i went to my 20th, and was rather taken aback to find that things hadn't changed much. i started at my high school in 11th grade so didn't have history with them, and wasn't particularly popular or outgoing while i was there. and all the people who were uninterested in me, and vice versa, were still pretty .... uninteresting. and even some of the ones i made friends with were pretty distant.
probably my own fault, of course. social situations aren't really my forte.
there were about 2 people there it was genuinely nice to see. but for the most part it was meh. haven't bothered with any since.
sorry not to be of more help.
khairete
S.
