Tough Decision ... Advice

Have a talk before hand and do NOT introduce him as her dad. Take it with a grain of salt. She doesn't need to be confused and feeling down because "dad" pops in and out of her life all the time. My best friend was always let down by her dad popping in and out... it's sad.

I would tell him that he can not pop in and out of her life, and that if he wants to see her he has to commit to regular contact, phone calls, and coming down at least once a month to see her. JMO

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If he sees her, you should NOT tell her he is "Daddy." He can just be Jim, or whatever his name is.

You can take it from there. If it turns out he truly wants to be a permanent part of her life, that would be a good thing for her.

I would talk with him first about what his intentions are. At 2 1/2 she will not remember this day, but I still would tell him that he will not be referred to as "Daddy" during this meeting. I would have him meet you at a park or other neutral location. He does have a legal right to see her.

You had an unconventional relationship before you got pregnant, and you will continue to do so as "co-parents" whatever his level of involvement. It is up to you to instill in your daughter knowledge that her father's comings and goings have nothing to do with her, just his own insecurities, and when he is feeling strong enough in his own skin, he feels capable of being a parent. Otherwise, he feels entirely insufficient. Maybe he will only feel like enough of a man to be a father a handful of days out of her life. That's on him. Teach her that no one else determines her self worth. It's a good lesson for every girl to learn.

D. L, he made a mistake, but now seems to want to turn that around. Don't be one of those women who tries to get revenge on the dad under the guise of protecting your child. Besides, your daughter may end up hurt anyway if he's not at all in her life. Even worse would be if she resented you for not allowing them to have contact.
My biological father was in and out of my life which I didn't like, but everything I learned about him I learned from my experiences with him and I'm glad I got to know the type of person he was for myself rather than have someone tell me.
You and this man were once friends so you know him. I think in the hopes of keeping things amicable and out of court and most importantly, for the sake of your daughter, he deserves a second chance.

he has rights. especially if you are getting child support. right now he could just be a special friend. see what happens. he told you up front he didnt want, couldnt afford, etc.... but she is a part of him.

I agree with the meeting at a neutral location and not introducing him as her dad. While she is playing you two can talk about his future intentions.

I think he has already made a HUGE commitment to being absent from her life. Sounds like he is going through whatever turn-of-the-road-current-mid-life-crisis at the moment, and needs to see her to make amends to himself. I would let him go to court for visitation...not as a way to mean to him but only as an avenue for him to prove he is committed to being "IN". And I would explain it as such. Perhaps if you hadn't had to file for child support, I might view it differently. And I do not equate child support with visitation...but I do equate the efforts behind each area.

I would MUCH rather tell my daughter one day when she is grown that her bio-donor made the choice not to pursue his legal right of visitation or parenthood, rather than tell her I took her to a park and let him physically see how beautiful she is because he asked for it and he STILL decided not to be involved. I am trying to keep her future daddy issues to a minimum. I think it is okay to decide against parenthood in general, but not okay to abandon a child that you actually meet.

And, on a side note...I have read tons of responses on mamapedia about how a text, email or facebook message is a cowardly way to make amends or resolve personal issues...and I tend to agree. He should have called. I think he he still a coward.

Your daughter is not an exhibit....to be visited and seen every once in awhile to satisfy his curiousity. It is unfair to her to create that dynamic. It is not fair to her to have to be presented to him a few times to "kick start" him into wanting to be a part of her life. She is not a puppy at a pet shop that you mull the decision of pet ownership. As a grown-up, he made a choice he has to live with.

But you get to make the choice of what your comfortable with, of course....I can only say how I would handle the situation. (and have, actually) Although you do say yo don't want him to pop in and out of her life....and that is exactly what he is asking of you at this point.

I know this is hard to go through, best of luck to you.

I absolutely think she should be allowed to have a relationship with her father. I would let your daughter know who he is, but not to hype it up or let her think she will be seeing him often, just every once in a while. Who knows, eventually, a great father/daughter relationship may develop between them. It's best to just be honest with her even from the beginning.

I would also suggest meeting somewhere other than your home & where there is something for her to do. I would also suggest that you introduce him as your friend & let her take the lead. Let her invite him to play & it's okay if she doesn't.

Don't have any expectations or long talks. Little kids have big ears. This may be a one time thing so don't make it a big deal or "talk" unless he wants to see her again.

I would talk with him and find out more about what he wants. If he wants her to know him as Dad then he needs to act as a dad, meaning he needs to do more than just pop in and out. If he doesn't want to be Dad then ask him how he would feel if y'all didn't tell her. If he wants to be able to just pop in and out then he can just be a family friend.

She's so young now that she would only be hurt by his decision to not be involved. When she's older and can understand I would explain about him being her biological father, and the reasons for the decisions that were made. Him not being involved does not mean that he doesn't care, but she would not understand that until much older.

It's hard to judge what kind of person he is from the little information that was given, but I think because he has been honest with you from the start that he would probably continue to be honest with you. Talk to him, and do your best to keep talking even when y'all have disagreements.

Can your first meeting be grownups only? To hash out what his intentions are / logistics you both can live with without her listening in/ being a distraction?

I would think that if he's unwilling to have a face to face with you it would bode ill for the future, and there's a LOT that would need to be discussed.

I would introduce him as a friend of yours... and let him know that it is the ONLY way you will allow him to come visit her. He's proven to you he is not too interested and introducing him as Daddy will really mess her up if she doesn't see him again for another 2 years. If he really cares about her, he will understand.

As much as I agree with all of you about his needing to be in or out... The law is on his side to do what he pleases.

I feel you completely. I have these thoughts and worries over my grandson and how attached he is getting to her boyfriend and the what if questions in case his seed donor comes back into his life.

What you can't afford to do is make the guy mad. Most guys do this when they are finally paying. If he gets mad he'll insist on seeing her more and on his turf. It would look bad for you if you do anything to hamper him from seeing her.

I would just have him come and talk with him while he is there and try and keep the conversation light. Make sure he knows that if he wants to talk about anything heavy that it should be on the phone after he goes so that you and he don't scare her.

I agree with Jen. Either he commits to being an active, regular part of her life or he's out. No in-between. Harsh? Yes! But so is having your daughter grow up wondering why she wasn't good enough for her father to be involved in her life.

My parents split when I was three. The only time I had regular contact with my dad was when he remarried. My stepmoms would bully him into including me and my sister in his life. It wasn't until I was in high school/college that we really got to know one another. Now, we're very close. BUT, the "popping in and out" was very, very difficult to deal with...plus, it drove my mom bananas, which drove EVERYONE in the house bananas. Not a good situation at all.

Good luck.

Hi,

Thats a hard situation to be in. What I would ask yourself is, what are you most comfortable with??? Would you like to talk to him before he comes over? Do you want to ask him what his plans are or what his intentions are? I would personally want these questions answered before allowing him to come over. Also, I would make it clear that its NOT ok to pop in and out of her life. If he would like to be in her life, you will certainly make it possible. But if he doesn't want to--then he still needs to continue child support and he needs to stay away from her so it doesn't confuse her. Its better for her to get this worked out before she starts asking the daddy questions. Be clear on what YOU are comfortable with and what you want to happen. Let him know your intentions and see where it leads. I wish you and your daughter the best.

M

I had a friend who was in a similar situation. The father of her son didn't ask to meet him until he was 7 or 8. She told him that he could come over and he would just introduce him as a friend of hers that the sonhadn't met. It ended up being a good thing since he never saw the child again. You could alway as the father what his intentions are as far as being in your daughters life.

First, I would not meet at your house. Meet at the park. That way she can play and he can sit by your side and talk and he can watch her play.

Tell him that he is not to say anything to her about him being her father.

I do believe that he should be allowed to see her because he is the father.
Try to have a pleasant day together and try not to bring up anything from your past.

Dress your BEST, look sexy ~ you want him to think damn she looks good.
You want him to MISS what he could have had.
Trust me, he will walk away thinking all about you.
He might even dream about you. = )

Who knows, maybe he is ready to be her father.

Take it one step at a time and try to smile and relax.

He is who he is and you can't change him, well you might be able to leave a good impression on him to where he can't stop thinking about you. LOL...

Good Luck.

I wouldn't mess your little girl up, she deserves better than a "pop in/pop out" kind of father. Definitely talk to him first, you need to let him know how this is making you feel and your expectations of what a FATHER is. He made his choice early on to be a "free man", so to all the sudden feel an urge to see a child he's never met could be a sad situation for a little girl that is clearly happy with her mommy. This is a very delicate situation that shouldn't be handled lightly. Don't allow this man to manipulate you or catch you off guard just to see this little girl. Has he hit a mid-life crisis and is trying to re-capture his youth? He may be striving for that "young" feeling again and by having a little child in his presence could be what he's craving. However, when mid-life crisis is over, is he going to leave again and upset a stable little girls life? Be smart in your choices with this man and no matter what, ALWAYS put your daughters best interests first. She deserves a loving, stable family life.

I have/am dealing with the same type of situation. A couple differences but basics are the same. The father didnt want him but when state hit him with child support he text as well. My advice is to see him first and be completly prepared for all mixed emotions. You may look at him as your daughters father that isnt ready. He may want more of the friends with benefits. I think at her age itll be okay for them to meet, seeing she may not fully understand what "her own dad" is supposed to be like. Just always remember that you have all control right now, basically she is your child. Dont let him make you feel any shame or guilt. You now have a blessing which you already know. It is up to you how you introduce them and you dont have to if youre not ready.
My son met his dad when he was 2, that happened on the 4th time of making plans to meet. It hurt me more than what I could imagine, i spent too much time wondering how he couldnt care for this amazing child as much as I did. Finally it came to is im not the same person as the father, there is no way we will care the same. My son is now 4, knows his dad as dad, but his dad is still an absent father. Seeing him either every other month then going to every 6 months. My sons knows they play when they see eachother but dad has to go home when its all said and done. Not even sure if im making the best choice on that. But if you meet him, dont break or atleast not in front of him. You are the one raising your daughter. Also be ready on if you tell friends or family, but same with them its your choice. Good luck and stay strong!

I feel like you need to find out what it is he has in mind for this child. Is he just curious? If so you can send him a video and photographs.

If he wants to be her dad, he needs to be honest first with himself and then with you.

Legally he is her dad and has rights. But emotionally, she is a little girl that once she learns the meaning of the word "daddy," she is going to want and need him around, not just on his terms and not just on yours. Keep it in mind that she eventually is going to want to know what the circumstances were when she was conceived, when he left and all of his inquiries..

Take very careful steps. Make sure he explains his intenions and that you set up some rules that protect her.

First let me say don't lie to the child. Tell her up front who he is. Kids have a unique way of seeing past the bull with people and seeing exactly who they are. You don't want to be the one she resents. Leave the door open for him to see her and if he doesn't step through it often then the only person your daughter can place the blame on is him. Your daughter will have more respect for you if you be truthful and not try to shield her from the situation. Give her a chance to form her own opinion of him without a word from you. In the long run she will be better off.

Tell him if he wants to make the commitment to be her father and be a presence in her life from now on -REALLY -then he can come see her. Let him know very frankly that it would be both cruel and incredibly unfair for him to pop in and out of her life, so if he just wants to know what she looks like or something -you'll be happy to send him a picture. Make sure that he understands if he takes this step that this is IT -he is now going to need to truly act like her father and see her on a regular basis, talk to her, etc. and be involved in her life. If he's unsure right now, introduce him as a friend of yours and meet up with him at a playground or something one afternoon, but I wouldn't let her know that was daddy unless he decides to truly step up and be one.

Talk first to find out what his motivation is. Than make your decision..