Advice on What to Do About My Daughter's Father

Quite honestly hon, I can't understand why you want someone in your life and your Daughters life that didn't want her to begin with. Isn't it convenient that that gentleman can decide when he is ready to be a Daddy and then just walk right in and take up room in her heart? You choose to grow up and accept being a Mommy, how come it's so hard for him? We all make choices in life, and it seems to me that he made his chioce 3 years ago when you told him you were pregnant. If he wasn't ready to be a Daddy when you concieved his child, why on earth would you think he is ready to be a Daddy now? I know it's hard for your Daughter not having a Daddy like other little girls, but it is so much better than having a very part time Daddy. If you don't have plans or desires to make a life with this man, and you are hoping to one day find someone who will be a Father to your Daughter, believe me, it is so much better to leave him out of the picture now. If you would like to have a future Husband adopt your Daughter, I would leave her biological Father out of the picture and let her have a clean slate to be able to know a love someone who really wants her. I'm talking from real life experience. You mention wanting the financial help, if he hasn't offered, and you can make it by yourself, please consider continuing to do that. He should have been willing to help financially, no matter how small from the beginning. Since he hasn't, it sounds like it will take a court order and it could be a constant problem for you. I have been in this situation and my advice is to make a clean break. Say good bye and mean it, and then go on with your life. Your a good strong, loving woman that understands the value of life, you can make it on your own and your Daughter will benefit from it.

Good Luck,
Marcia

I can not tell you what to do, I can tell you what I did. I had some of the same fears that you have now. My son never met his biological father, he never wanted my son and would rather I had an abortion. I was concerned for years that he would change his mind and come back to me later for his "rights". I kept thinking that if I stayed out of his way he would stay out of our lives. Child support is something that I did not think he would want to pay, and therefore I was not sure he would aks for any rights but I was not sure.

Keeping a low profile worked. When I finally did get engaged and we got married my husband wanted to adopt my son. We went through a lawyer and was told that his father would have to be advised and asked to sign a waiver. I voiced my concerns that instead of signing he would ask for rights and things would get all messed up. I was assured that this would not happen. He had never met my son, never shown an interest and never contributed to his care in any way. He had for all purposed abandoned him. The lawyer told me that if he did ask for rights that would immediately be required to pay back support which would mount into the thousands of dollars. We waited and were informed that after meeting with an advisor he had signed over all rights to my son and my husband was able to adopt him.

I dont know what you want more. If you want your daughter to have a relationship with him then you have to deal with him being a part of your lives and having rights. If you want him to give up his rights I would keep a very low profile and ask for nothing from him. The longer he goes without giving you anything or being involved the easier it will be to move on if you get married.

I have to say that I wish my sons father would have cared. I wish he would have made an effort of some kind. After a few years it became easier to just accept that he did not care and to this day has never made an effort. My son is of age now and he could look him up if he wanted to, he has no desire to. I think any man who makes a baby and walks away from it, is not worth bringing back into that childs life. But that is just my feelings on the subject.

Iwent through something very similar with my daughter. She's almost eight now, and luckily for her, her father has been aroud for nearly five years, but I had to work to have him in her life. It was very hard for me to get to court, and her father owns a successful business in St. Louis, so locating him wasn't really a problem, or rather, it shouldn't have been. I took the approach of calling him often, and letting him know that he was missing out on some very important times in her life. I took a very proactive role in getting him in her life, but I had absolutely no fear of him getting angry or violent with either one of us.

I know first hand how hard it is, how confusing it is as to what to tell your beautiful child why their dad isn't around. I was so worried that she would internalize him not being there, and somehow think that she wasn't good enough, which we all know isn't the case. Luckily I got him involved before I had to really explain to her that her father just wasn't a good enough person to know how to be a father to such a wonderful person. I know we aren't supposed to talk bad about our children's fathers, but in this situation, I felt like she needed to know that the problem wasn't her, it was him.

My daughter has a relationship with her father, and he's consistant, most of the time, but she doesn't have as good of a relationship with him because he missed out on vital bonding time, a point that I kept reminding him of when he wasn't around. You should let this man know that he's slowly damaging any relationship he could hope to have with her, and he needs to take the initiative to establish a relationship with her, him having pictures, doesn't substitute for her having a father in her life. I did, by the way, send my daughter's father pictures on a regular basis. He has them framed in his house which sometimes bothers me, and I will be honest, I still have a lot of anger about those years, but as her mother, her one functioning parent, I felt it was my job to facilitate their relationship. I really could go on about this all day, if you want some support from someone who has been where you are today, please feel free to write, your situation sounds a lot like mine. Be strong, and love that girl with all your heart, as I'm sure you do, she is a gift, and it's his loss to not be in her life.

I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you how my husband is after his father abandoned his mother and himself before he was born.
His father said he wanted to know about his son, but not know his son, as my husband was growing up. They met only two times, once when my husband was 7 years old, and once when he was 10. My husband's father was in the military and said he wanted to establish himself as my husband's father so my husband could get benefits as a child of a military man. He never did.
My husband still considers himself as having family out there that he does not know and has never met. He wants to meet them and know them. My family is very big, and he wants that (he knows his father has many relatives). But he does not want to force himself on them. And apart from my asking about it, he does not bring it up.
My husband is happy, a great father because he didn't have one, and is really enjoying life. He does not regret not knowing his father. He regrets his father not knowing him. He only knew his family the way they were/are, and he is very loved and cared for by them. He feels that as long as he is loved, and he has family, although he would like to know his father's family, he really can't ask for anything more.
I hope this helps.

I agree with you as far as not giving out your personal address until you're 100% confident it's necessary & safe. Get a PO Box & use that. I'd also establish that he is the father and ask him to either sign away his right or that you expect child support. He can't have it both ways & at the same time make it most difficult for you. You may not need the money now, but you could always put it away for her education. You are asking so little from this man but do what is right for your child.

I'm not sure what to say to your daughter since I've never been in a similar situation, but you might be able to find a book or article online or in a library, although I'm certain someone will have good advise on this website.

When it comes to the legal situation, get that in order, establish paternity. If you wait, one day you might not be able to find him or he might not be willing to cooperate & until then it'll always be on your mind. Get that straightened out, then proceed with whatever next seems most important to you. One step at a time.

You have a lot to deal with! First of all, you need to see a family lawyer and find out what your rights are before you make any decisions. Secondly, from what you have told me about him, I think he is interested in his daughter only as a hobby or fantasy. He's kind of liking the idea of having a child out there somewhere and would like to see her and be the daddy, but really has no idea what that involves, no thought to having any responsibility for her, and probably no conern for her emotional well-being.

My father took off when I was a baby, so I had no memory of him and never felt abandoned. My mother always told me that my father was not responsible enough to be a dad. She never said anything bad about him other than that. What this did for me was to never expect him to be a dad to me, and he never was. He did disappoint me from time to time, but because I knew that the way he was was his problem and not my fault, I was shielded from the heartbreak and rejection that kids feel when dads can't function as a father. I saw him only 4 or 5 times during my childhood, and then when I was a teenager, I finally met my half siblings and we started seeing each other every summer. Even though I stayed with him for most summers, he was never a father to me, and that hurt a little, but really, I didn't expect that from him. And I really credit my mother for being honest with me and telling me the truth - he's got problems, he's not a responsible person. To this day, I couldn't tell you if my father ever loved me or not. But that doesn't hurt all that much at all because my mother was (is) so wonderful, loving, protective, caring...I got all the love I needed from her and didn't feel the need for a father (most of the time.)

In your situation, if he wants to see his child, he should want to badly enough to make all the arrangements and make it happen. I would send photos, but not your address, and no promises. He has to at least have the will and the responsibility to arrange a trip to see her. Maybe you meet at a your mother's house or some other relative's, so that there are other people around and he doesn't know where you live. I would NOT go visit him - you are putting yourself and your child in a situation that could be out of your control. If he wants in her life, he has to set that up himself. From the amoutn of effort he has put into seeing his child thus far, if you leave it in his court, you have nothing to worry about. He's not going to go to any effort at all. All you have to deal with is the legal side of things should you get married.

The best thing you can do is protect your child from the emotional harm done by an absent father. Let her know that you will always protect her

Who knows what the future will bring. My best advice is to take things one day at a time and not to think about how the future might or might not be. We have no way of controlling other people or making them do something they do not want to do. You probably won't get money from him, but with shared custody you will lose the control you currently have.

If you are scared of this man then the best thing to do is to keep civil and not to seek more contact.

Get more familiar with Missouri laws. Missouri will contact him in an attempt to get child support. If he refuses then according to Missouri law he must sign away rights or become a fugitive and be prosecuted....again his choice. A friend of mine went through this and she has sole rights now because the Dad lived in another state and refused child support....no DNA testing necessary.

You are a strong woman and you made the right choice to keep your child. You have the power to handle this in any way YOU want. How your daughter feels about it later is up to her. Later is still a long time away and your discussions about her father will expand as she gets older. My friend had a picture of her babies Dad and that may help a lot...at 4 she is just curious and mysteries only make a preschooler more curious. Reassure her that her Dad is okay and he loves her and wants her to be happy...and right now that is with mommy and that makes mommy very happy.

Take care and keep your head up!