Father Wants Nothing to Do with daughter...question

I have a dughter that is 6 years old. Her dad did the same thing when she was a baby. He to this day has never called. Just let it go and dont talk about him. If he never shows up, you can tell her that he didnt want to be a daddy and that you were always there to help her and teach her. You love her like a mommy and daddy combined. Let her know that you will always be there for her, no matter what.
Kathy

I am very sorry to hear about your situation and can honestly say that I am going through this myself. However, I have no advice on this because my daughter is only 1 month old and I was wondering that whenever you do decide to tell her if you could send me and let me know what you did, because I am going to have to do the same thing with her. I haven't talked to my ex in 3 months and I can't get ahold of him to even let him know that she has been born. Please get back with me so that I could be prepared when she is ready to ask me. Thank you so much and good luck with your situation.

M.,
Sorry to hear of your situation (daughter too!). I have never been in your place as a mother, but I was once that little girl. My dad has never seen me. Nor I him. From a mother's stand point - I would ask if it would do more harm than good to let him back into her life later. Meaning, find a way to contact him, request he gives up parental rights. If he agrees, then you know where he stands, and he'll have made his choice. This will make it easier to handle your daughter's questions later on. As for talking to her about it - Don't force the topic. But be honest with her. I grew up thinking my mom's first husband was my birth father til I found out otherwise at age 14. This was a huge blow. Just don't mention him. Until she is old enough and starts having questions. Then answer them honestly. Just let her know that he made a choice (maybe he wasn't mature enough to be a dad)and you raised her yourself according to that choice. But when she is ready, if she decides to find him, or let him back into her life, then stand by her. Go with you gut, it usually is guiding you the right way. Good luck to you both.

Hi M..
My daughter is 14 now and her father has been in and out of her life since she was 2. It is very rough on her. She has gotten to the point now of not wanting to talk to him at all.
He has hurt her many times, but not showing up or canceling on her at the last minute.
Not to mention all the birthdays and christmas's that go by without a phone call or even a card.

I know that it is very hard, but if I could go back, I would've let him completely walk away then and not have pushed the issue. I think it would've been much better for her and eaiser if she had never remembered him.

Feel free to contact me.
Good luck honey. I know what you're going through. Your baby girl will be just fine. Just be the best Mom for her and don't settle for just anyone, because you think she "needs" a Dad. Use her for the reason to find the "BEST DAD".

God Bless you both,
H.

Personally - I would not mention it at all. Leave that spot open for the day when you do find someone who lovingly wants to fill that role.

hello M.! i agree with almost everyone in a way! you dont want to force the conversation. if and when she brings it up sit her down and tell her what happened with out making her father sound horible. you dont want her thinking the worst about him when she doesnt see him. if he wants to come back into her life you have to make sure he is going to really be there. you dont want him in and out. it would hurt her even more. i dont agree with the one who said to leave the roll to someone who wants to fill it. you cant expect a man to step in and say i will be the father. if it happens than it does but dont wait for it to happen. you dont need and man to make you or your daughter happy. also you dont want your daughter seeing guys in and out of your home. its not good for her! not saying you would do that but you know. well i wish you the best of luck!!!!

at this age she isn't goig to ask, she has no idea what a dady is or that she doesn't have one, and growing up without one it will take awhile ecspecially in this day and age for her to realize there is a question to ask, i have 3 children of my own and a SD and my oldest is by a different man than my younger two and he lives with his father while my youngest two and my Sd live here and then my SD has a half brother at her mother's home,it's never been questioned, they have never asked why they have different daddy's and they are now 8, 6, 6, 4, they have also never asked why they have so many extra grandparents, my parents and my grandparents are all divorced, so there is a ton of family, we just have different names for everyone. but the point is that if she grows up this way it won't seem wierd and it will be a long time before she ever thinks anything of it. one thing to remember if it does come up though or if he shows back up in her life, do not bad mouth him to your daughter, even if he is in her life and worhtless there is a chance that as her father he will end up on this pedistool and bad mouthing him will only make her resent you, if he does come back around let her make her own desicions in regards to what she thinks of him and feels about him. best of luck.

M.,

I am in the same boat with my son....although I have been lucky enough to find and marry a man that claims him and treats him as his own.

My son will be 5 Oct 18th. His real father has not seen or been heard of since Sept. of 2004. I have no idea where he is at or any number to reach him(not that I would want to). I know it may seem difficult, but in most ways, it's better that way.

Just to see what my son remembered, I showed him a picture of his real dad....I asked him who it was....he said grandpa. He has no clue who he is. Your daughter is about the same age my son was when I divorced his father so she would probably not know either.

My advice to you is always be honest. So far, my son has not asked me if my husband is his real dad. But when the time comes, if he ever wants to know I will tell him. If he ever wants to know why his real father never saw him ect. I will leave that burning question for my ex. I figure I don't know why he never participated in my son's life and so he will have to do the explaining himself. I will not poison my son's mind with something I don't know either.

Whatever you do, just don't ever let him come in and out of her life as he pleases....I have seen this happen many times and it just tears kids up.

I hope that I have helped you. You will be in my thoughts. If you need to talk, feel free to e-mail me ____@____.com Luck!!

S.

My husband and I have been trough this with the mother of his 2 children, which he has sole custody of. She never came/comes to see them. She lives 10 minutes away, has our address, # and e-mails. Unfortunately for you, when he does come around it is important for you to let your child see him. We let the girls make the decision on whether or not they wanted to talk to her (on the RARE occassion that we did see her) when the youngest was 11. Your child will be hurt and blame herself, that is the hard part especially for you. You can't bad mouth the other parent all you can do is try to give an explanation for your exes behavior. Eventually, not for a while, but eventually, your daughter will be able to make the decision on whether a relationship is what she wants or not. It is going to be hard and you will cry because your child will be hurt, but you can do it!!! GOD LUCK!!!

just like your ex, the fater of my child is the same way. i don't recive child support , which is good, cause i don't want him thinking he could just pop back in to her life. to answer your question. to me it is a decision you will have to make. no matter what you do or say, you are going to feel like you didn't do the right thing. but go with your heart. let her now the truth, and answer any questions she has.

I can totally understand where you're coming from on this one. I have a daughter who will be four in December and her "donor" as I like to call him, saw her the day after she was born, and hasn't seen her since. He even pays child support every week, but still has had no interest. My advice would be to just let sleeping dogs lie. Your daughter is at a very impressionable age right now. If he is in and out of her life at this age, I could have major traumatic effects on her. Not knowing what your relationship with him is, I would advise you to let it go. Look at it as sort of a blessing in disguise. Do you really want anyone in her life who doesn't fully care for her and what she is going through? There may even come a day when he decides to clear his concience (sp) and want to show up in her life. At that point, you would have to make a decision on how you want to handle it based on your situation and you're daughter's maturity level. I have been lucky enough that my fiance has taken my daughter and is raising her as his own. We have been together since she was 3 weeks old, so he is the only dad she has ever known, and at this point, I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me at ____@____.com. I'm also on myspace at myspace.com/jaekin2. Good luck. J.

Hi,

I was/am in a similar situation. My daughter is now 13 years old and a happy kid:)You cannot change the circumstances however, you need to file for child support because he may (like many abscent fathers) breeze in and out of her life over the coming years. It is important ...when she asks...that you tell her how she came into this world and who her father is. Refrain from saying anything negative other than you attempted to find him...etc...
As she gets older...she may create this idealized image of him...but it is important you allow her to figure out what kind of father he is. Any influence or (not telling her) "may" end up creating more problems than I know you want her to struggle with. With my daughter....her father was present through the first year and then vanished...he came back into her life when she was 5 and then left again when she was eight. Although, I made sure when she was five that he filed with the court for visitation before seeing her. He showed up periodically and then eventually disappeared. He showed up last christmas and I allowed my daughter to decide if she wanted to see him...and she decided not to. There have been some hard moments....but I am there when she gets upset or sad about it. I just let her know how much I love her.....and tell her that her father makes his own choices that he will probably regret someday....however, it has absolutely nothing to do with her. The other part to this is making she your daughter has a father figure in her life...and uncle, a grandfather, a friend. You want to be very careful how you introduce new men in your life....I am now married...but my husband did not meet her until I knew we were serious and moving into a permanent direction. The only thing you can be is honest with her, and be there when she wants to talk about it. My parents (who are divorced) have been a huge part of her life. They spend a lot of time with her. I believe all of those things have helped her through those times she has felt abandoned and rejected by her father.

Best Wishes,
R.

M.,
I agree with Faith....you dont want to give her a false fantasy about who her father is and when she does ask questions just answer them honestly. At her age she only knows who loves her and makes her feel safe, she doesnt see mommy daddy differences or even recongnize she doesnt have one...not yet anyway. Having no father is much better then having a bad one that will repeatedly let her down. Trust me.

Hi M..

My girls were barely 6 and 3 when my ex-husband and I separated. They're now 8 and 5, and they haven't heard from their dad in about 18 months. We don't know where he is, and neither does his family (who we've remained close to). He has essentially fallen off the face of the Earth.

In my case, my girls remember their dad (especially my oldest), and they periodically ask about him. Your daughter will likely ask when she gets a little older, too. In the meantime, I agree that you don't need to force the conversation. Anyway, I tell them that their daddy loves them, but he isn't well enough to be a good dad to them. (He's an alcoholic, and they know this about him.) I also teasingly say that I'm glad I don't have to share them with anyone.

I've learned that kids are very observant and intuitive, and you really don't have to say a whole lot to them. They'll get it on their own sooner or later. Here's an example of what I mean: I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has been in our lives for about 2 years now. He has 4 great kids of his own, and he has eagerly accepted the role of "dad" to my girls as well. Last weekend, my oldest daughter spontaneously started listing all the good things about him. At the top of her list was the fact that he's honest, he keeps his word, and he's always there for us. She recognized - on her own - how important these qualities are. I asked her if she feels the same way about her dad, and she said no. She said she loves him, but she doesn't really know anything about him. Enough said.

One last comment regarding another mom's response: If your daughter's father agrees to relinquish his parental rights, he is also relieving himself of his child support obligations. Of course, if you're not getting child support anyway, it doesn't really matter. Just something to consider.

Good luck to you. Being a single mom isn't easy, but it's a whole lot better than staying in a bad relationship. :)