Advice for New Stepmom with a 17 Yr Old Stepdaughter That Hates Her

You really can't expect anything else. His children have had both their mom and dad for a really long time, now you come in. She sees you as a threat. She has no interest in getting to know you, she's 17. She's learning to become a woman, and she has enough to deal with without daddy's new wife coming in .
Divorce is hard for everyone, but it ruins children. Just leave her alone, definitely don't try to mother her and know that she's almost out of the house. When she gets older and gets married she'll come around. Just be pleasant and suck it up.

Based on my personal experience as a step-daughter and the wife of a step-father, I know you're not in an easy position. Especially as the "new" wife and recent step-mom to teens. And all the more if the ex-wife does not speak well of you. It sounds like you're the unfortunate target of a whole lot of feelings, many of which are probably lingering from the divorce and the split of the original family. If you were in any way involved in that split, then the feelings would be amplified all the more.

A quick side note about the lying; your SD does not want you meddling in her private affairs. Privacy toward parents is completely normal in this age group, and there isn't going to be a realistic way for you to get yourself invited into this girl's life.

So, I would stop trying. You and your husband would do well to decide what the groundrules are for your blended home. This should include everyone treating each other with respect, and everybody doing their fair share to keep the household functioning smoothly. And your husband will need to be the enforcer – to whatever degree he succeeds, you'll have some basic courtesy and cooperation. This won't be an easy task, though, unless he's already on good and respected terms with his children.

For yourself, I'd suggest you just respect yourself, and behave with consistently kind but cool dignity around your SD. Take care of your own needs, and let her little cruelties roll off of you. Unless you were a home-wrecker (and she's likely to see you this way even if you had nothing to do with the divorce), she won't like you no matter what you do, BUT she may come to respect you if she learns she can't "hook" your feelings. Learn to take a lot of deep breaths, and take occasional time-outs if you feel she's getting to you. But make it look like you just need to go do something important.

This girl does not know enough about you to really hate you, so try not to take it personally. She hates the situation, the divorce, the torn family. She may be extremely angry at her dad for all of that, and you are a handy target. She's young, and hasn't had much life experience. And she's a teen – a trying enough time for most kids even without the domestic complications. If you are able to allow her to have her feelings without resenting her for it, life will be somewhat easier for all of you. Resentment doesn't heal anything.

My best to you, D.. The next year or two will probably feel very long. But deal with your own feelings – that will give you plenty of work. You can grow in the face of all this hostility. Keep picturing yourself as a calm, determined woman, a happy wife, a dignified human being. And then be those things. If you'd like any additional support in this endeavor, I'd like to suggest you check out a website called TheWork.org.

I think Peg summed it up really well....be gracious to yourself...it really has nothing to do with you as a person...so as hard as it may be let her know you will always be there for her and when she's disrespectful or non-cooperative her dad needs to handle it..so i would talk to him about setting firm rules and consequences for breaking the rules. He will have to be the one to enforce those consequences. If he needs guidance I suggest he read Love and Logic for teens!!

I agree with JoAnn C. None of this is your fault, but it's a little late to develop a relationship with her, and she's almost out of the house.

Maybe over a decade or so she will warm up to you. It will obviously take a while. Just keep being nice. You have to be the adult, since she's a messed up kid.

I grew up with a step-mom since I was 7, I left home at 15 because I couldn't stand it anymore. Now, at 32, I am happily married with four children, one of which is from a previous marriage. Her and my husband get along fabulously.

Seeing the sides of both ends (parent/child), all I can share with you is that you must have true clear intentions. If it is happiness you seek with your husband, take a deep breath, because your stepdaughter is going to fight every one of your efforts. Why? Because she can. All your efforts should be towards keeping her father and you truly happy... keeping the home happy... do only your part, whatever your part is.

I'm not saying be a martyr in this by torturing yourself by trying to be nice to her. Just be genuine. I can guarantee you that she will come around, if not sooner than later, because generally, people want happiness. She will see that you aren't such a bad person and put her own guard down.

Yes, just be genuine...
"Do or do not, there is no try." ~Yoda ;)

wow, it's up to your husband/her father to address this. No matter what you do, she will resent & disrespect you. I wish you Peace.

It sounds like your SD has a lot of anger in her about the divorce and the presence of you in her father's life. Was it the same way while you were dating? Maybe some family counseling would help get the issues out on the table and at least teach both of you to be civil. Dad does need to step up to support you and demand that she be civil to you. Good luck - it is hard having teenagers and having one that is hostile towards you is very difficult.

As long as you can honestly say that you didn't do anything wrong, or you aren't trying to exclude the children or making them feel as though you'd rather they weren't there (which is what happened to my sister and me at this girls age), then act like it is your house. Which it is.
I have a 5 yo step daughter (obviously much less attitude from her), but the principles are the same. You have to have your husband onside, and make it clear that her petty attacks don't effect you, because you are an adult. She is a child, and acting like one. (I'm 22 so I can see exactly how she is acting and it drives me crazy).

Don't single her out, don't call her names, don't act much differently to how you would if it was a harmonious relationship. Give her no ammunition (even though I'm sure she'll find some where she can). Don't clean her room, don't clean up after her, don't buy her things, make her understand that behaving like that, isn't going to get her anywhere.

Or you could try and call her out on it. If you could handle a full on confrontation with her, then why not do it. Give her a chance to get it out and give you a chance to remind her that her father loves you, not as much as he loves her, but he loves you and you are important, and you will be respected in your house.

You won't ruin her relationship with her father by demanding respect and appropriate behaviour. In about 5 years, I can guarentee that she'll look back, and realise how badly she was behaving.

DO NOT leave the situation. If you do that, she's won. It's your house. Act like it.

xx

I am a child of divorce. I agree with Peg M.
Remember that your husband loves you for a reason. You love him for a reason.

Let that be your touchstone, each time SD treats you with disrespect. Have a calm demeanor and maybe some sort of code word you can say to your husband so he knows you are having a hard time with step daughter, so you can excuse yourself and not be in harms way.

I know you want her to like you. I know you want to be close to her. I am sure you are a good person and want a happy family, but right now you are dealing with a person that looks like a woman, but deep down inside.. she is age of the child, of when her family dysfunction began to happen..This could be a 7 year old emotionally you are actually dealing with. She will need to find peace in herself.. and gosh knows that could take quite a while. Many of the moms have made good points about how you should hang in there. .It takes super human strength and a VERY strong love for each other for you to stick with this..

Just give SD a wide space with her dad.. She is trying to keep her territory safe (in her own mind).

I also suggest counseling for you. It will help remind you that there is nothing wrong with you. It will give you some support. Speak with your husband about how you and he can be strong for each other.. but that you understand how if this is hard for you, imagine how hard it is for each other person involved in this situation.

Make a family plan about respect and what each persons role is and behaviors that are expected and have your HUSBAND be the one to speak with his daughter and ex wife about HIS wishes.
I am sending you strength.

I would consider a number of things: first lock your house - your husband's ex-wife should not have a key to your home. Your husband should be playing some supportive role in the difficulties between you and your stepdaughter. If he is not, you might consider the two of you (husband and you) going for counseling on how to handle/manage blended families. These are less uncommon today than in the past and there are qualified therapists out there who should be able to help the two of you determine how you will navigate these difficult times.

I will only touch on the part about your stepdaughter. Most 17 year old girls, hate everyone. Well teenage girls in general. My 15 yr. old neice is like this. Disrespectful, snotty, dramatic. "Hates" anyone who has an opinion about the things she does, or life in general. They know everything at that age, dont want to be told what to do, and surely dont want anyone ruining a "good thing" for them. I'm sure you are a threat to her. Stealing her dad's attention, or supporting him in any decision to set limits with her, or influencing him when he may have been more lienent.

The real problem lies with him. You are his wife, and he should not allow her to disrespect you ever. He needs to show her that you are united, if she thinks she can drive wedges between you she will. So he needs to set her straight and let her know that you be respected. period. In the meantime, I would quit trying with her. She probably enjoys the fact that you are making an attempt and she's shutting you down. So just stop. i'm not saying being mean or rude, but I would be as nonchalant about her as possible. That may make her realize the world, and yours isnt revolving around her.

You've gotten a lot of advice, and I didn't have time to read them all, but I just wanted to tell you from my own experience that it is best to be patient and let her be. My dad remarried when I was 16, a little over a year after my mother died. I treated my stepmother horribly, and she just smiled at me, left me alone, and only stepped in to help if I asked. I eventually warmed up to her and now she is a wonderful mother-figure and grandmother to our children. But I was very angry! As an adult, I can understand why they remarried and why my dad was quick to do so. Your situation can get tricky because it sounds like his ex may or may not be instigating stuff...but if I were you I would just ignore your stepdaughter's behavior, take a step back, and continue to be nice to her. She may or may not come around, but it's really all you can do. (And I'm afraid her dad can't make her like you either...sorry.) :(

This is not an attack, I simply can not find any other words to say this because in many ways I can empathize with your stepdaughter. If you choose not to read on understand that it may never change.

From some one who still hates her stepmother, you probably did something no one is willing to discuss weather you know it or not. I have not discussed what mine did simply because she will NEVER understand in how many ways she hurt and mentally screwed with an 11 yr olds mind by doing something she totally thinks is ok to do. To actually attempt to discuss it will ruin what my father and I have rebuilt and I am not willing to do that, but continue to have hate and distain for her I can live with that. Many girls especially those who have a relationship with thier mother want NOTHING to do with the stepmother, many because the mother wants nothing to do with her either. My mother did not even know until a few weeks ago the real reason of my hate towards my father's second wife, and she admitted then that if I had spoken up she would have done something, but it would have made things between me and my father harder then they already were. She knew I did not care for her and said that was ok, I do not have to like her but I have to respect her. And at 11, I chose to hide that information and live with it deep down for quite some time to save my relationship with my father. I did however respect her when I had to spend time with her, only because my mother told me I had to and that is just plain how she raised me. She may see her blocking you out as a way to show where she stands in the divorce, but that she still loves her daddy. From a hurt and upset product of a poor stepmother (not saying you are; but to her you probaby did something very wrong) this may never change, can you live with that?

Hate to say it but this sounds like a really bad deal.
How long have you been married to this man? Why were these issues not dealt with prior to your wedding? I think you should have gotten to know his kids way before you married him. Something is wrong with this equation. Did the kids come to your wedding, were you just sprung on them as a surprise, how long has dad and their mom been divorced?
Moving in next door to the ex just seems very, very odd to me. Sorry but I just can't give you any advice except that y'all need to get around a table together and get this out in the open as you will not be able to tolerate this disrespect for very long before you completely lose it girlfriend.

First, don't apologize for venting.. everyone needs to do that sometimes, and this is the perfect place for it.

Second, step back from this. You can't make her like you or love you or even tolerate you. Her father has to insist that she respect you, that is his responsibility. Understand that to her YOU are an interloper. She is really still a child, and 17 year old girls are notoriously wrapped up in themselves. She is struggling to maintain what power she had or feels she had over her father before you came into the picture. Girls want and need the attention of their dad.. and here you are getting in the way of that! Try to understand how the little girl in her feels.

My advice - do NOT try to converse with her. Respond to her politely, remembering always that she is a child. Don't respond to the power plays at all. Her goal is to annoy you enough to get you to leave. DON'T leave! It is the worst thing you can do.

Read up on how to positively extinguish negative behaviors. There are many good techniques, and you can read about them online.

Peace!

Your husband needs to put his foot down with his daughter and his ex wife. They may not like you BUT THEY NEED TO RESPECT YOU!! You are his WIFE and he loves you! Talk to your husband and ask him to stand up for you. With his daughter, she'll learn to love and accept you. Hang in there! Good luck!